You didn't have your party yet?  What the hell are you waiting for?  Here's a shot of Minda and me celebrating the trade and the win with improvised confetti, less-improvised beer, and hats that say "Happy Farnsworth And Ankiel Got Traded Day!" if you look real close.

Dayton traded Ankiel and Farns, oh what a glorious daaaay

Oh, tradin' Ankiel and Farns, the Dayton Moore waaaaaayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

via i303.photobucket.com

WOO HOO

May 27, 2010.  Johnny Rosenblatt Stadium.  Dollar beer night.  What started as a drunken whim near the third-base dugout became an ironic metaphor for the career of Kila "Archibald 'Moonlight' Graham" Ka'aihue.

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MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE

After _______ (number) years as a _______ (ironic adjective, e.g. "die-hard") Royals fan, this recent _______ (negative baseball event, e.g. "trade," "acquisition," "losing streak") has finally worn out my _______ (ironic term, e.g. "loyalty").  I have always been _______ (hilariously false term, e.g. "optimistic"), but this is too much.

The Royals' general manager, _______ (name of Royals general manager), obviously doesn't know anything about _______ (fundamental body of baseball knowledge).  Every move he has made is wrong.  _______ (most recent transaction) is the _______ (cliche such as "last straw").

_______'s (name of Royals manager) ineptitude continues to inspire _______ (synonym for "rage").  I mean, did you see _______ (trivial mistake in recent game)?  Clearly he should have _______, _______, then _______ and _______ with _______, (impossible suggestion which likely would not have changed outcome) then the Royals would have won.  He has cost the team _______ (number above 20) wins this year.  He needs to go, and so does _______ (name of pitching coach or other coach).

_______, _______, _______, and _______ (names of current Royals players) can't _______, _______, or _______ (fundamental baseball skills).  This is even worse than the era of _______, _______, and _______ (names of former Royals players).  _______ (current player) is injured even more than _______ (Mike Sweeney).

_______ (ridiculous condition, e.g. "until the front office is replaced"), I am _______ (self-important adjective, e.g. "officially") done as a Royals fan.  _______ (insincere apology), but I just can't take it anymore.   _______ (final pretentious, attention-whoring statement).

How could I keep from doing an offday post once I realized the direct correlation (and therefore causation) between offdays and brazen robberies?  100% of all robberies directly outside my front door have taken place on offdays.  Therefore I plan to fight off my boredom tonight by stalking the streets with my softball bat.

Of course, 100% of all my dominant pitching performances in my slowpitch league have been on offdays too.  That means we can expect around 30 total strikeouts from me on July 16 and 23.

So, what's everyone drinking tonight?

This is only the fifth offday?  Ugh.  And it's a mere three games until the next one, with another following weekly until June 29.  Dig in, everyone.  It's gonna be a rough month of Mondays.

Said month hasn't even started yet, though, and here we are with an offday.  What will we all do when 7:10 rolls around and there's no Royals game?  You might suggest I watch the Cavs-Magic game.  I might laugh in your face.  If it's not Royals baseball, then it's filth and I want nothing to do with it.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.  I'm going to take the mound again in my pursuit of the Metro Omaha Softball Mens and/or Coed* D-League Cy Young Award.**  I made my career pitching debut two weeks ago in long relief for the coed team, going 4ish*** innings, striking out one, and probably taking the loss because my team can't play defense.

* Both teams are managed by the same guy and share several of the guy players.

** They will create the award and give it to me after my dominant season.

*** All stats are guesstimates because I don't have a statistician around... I could probably ask my manager for a copy of each scorecard, but he would probably punch me in the face.

Last week, I started in the men's game and went the distance, giving up maybe four earned runs (along with around 20 unearned).  I didn't get any strikeouts, but I did get a batter called out when he stepped on the plate reaching for an outside pitch.  Heh heh heh.  Try to match that, Greinke.  I also threw a runner out at the plate... from about ten feet behind it.

In the coed game, the manager pulled a Trey and decided to give someone else a chance pitching.  In a Ho-Ram-as-starter-like performance, he gave up about 10 runs in the first inning.  Someone else came in for relief in the second, and I got the call from the sheepish manager to mop up the rest of the game.  I did fairly well, recording another strikeout and who knows how many or how few earned runs.  I did notch a bizarre inning-ending double play on an infield fly call... one of the baserunners mistakenly kept running and rounded third, then thought the inning was over and started trotting across the field.  I wasn't paying attention and thought it was the batter.  The umpire awkwardly refused to call the play dead, and after a moment of confusion, I tagged the wayward runner for the third out.

Tonight, the mens and coed games are scheduled at the same time, so I will face either the Master Batters* or the Slumpbusters, respectively.  I have no idea what the league standings are, what is at stake, or anything other than my own teams' records (mens: 0-4, coed: 2-3).  As Greinke might say, I just know I have to go out there and pitch good.

* You stay classy.

I estimated my season FIP and other stats in a text to Minda, but my phone has forgotten them.

We will not discuss my batting.

Wow, I was so bored I forgot to create the Offday Thread.

Things could be worse, I suppose.  This should be Offday 5, but that Opening Day rainout spared us.  Maybe I should make Rainout Day threads too.

So what's everyone doing tonight instead of watching the Royals?  I have a game of ultimate frisbee to play, and then I'll spend my evening cursing the gods and mourning alone because Greinke's not pitching on my birthday.

I might vacuum, too.

It's safe to say that the last three weeks have been the most entertaining stretch of my entire life.  But alas, Offday 3 is upon us.  Our wussy players have to be a bunch of wussies and take a day off.  They're in the middle of a couple of west coast series, isn't that already like a vacation?

It may be good for the team, but this offday could not come at a worse time for us fans.  There's nothing for us to think about all day except the three-game sweep KC just suffered, Soria going on the DL, and Thir Thidney going to the bullpen (will this work?).

And while team and fans alike are reeling, we have nothing to look forward to but the already-do-or-die opening game of a two-game series.  Luckily, after this there are no more two-gamers in the season.  I don't know if I could take the stress of any more, especially when I see that there's another offday every single week until the end of June, when an electrifying three-week Royals baseball binge will bring us into That Which Is So Boring That It Shall Not Be Named.  (Though we may have a little more interest in it this year; perhaps both a starter and a closer on the AL team?)

Personal note: I see Hoch is the projected starter for tomorrow. Meche had better follow on Wednesday, or it'll be much less likely that Greinke will pitch on my birthday, May 20.  In Kansas City.  Against Cleveland.  Hillman can do whatever else he wants, but if he makes it so there's a decent chance to see a perfect game on my birthday, he's fine in my book.  For what more could I ask?

Well, time to wrap up this offday rant.  I have to pace myself for the next month and a half.  I know everyone will be so bored that they'll read the offday posts, so I have to be on top of my game.  Looking back, I see that I randomly ended all my paragraphs with questions.  Therefore, I'd better sign off thusly: You stay classy, Kansas City.  I'm Porcus?

Welcome, welcome, to another glorious offday.  I've noticed a delightful trend this season: one hundred percent of all offdays follow days with games in which Kyle Farnsworth blew it (or Trey Hillman blew it vicariously through Farnsworth)!

So not only do we get to spend all day thinking about how bored we are and how much we'd rather be watching the Royals play, we also get another whole extra twenty-four hours to ponder how absolutely, unbelievably stupid it was that Farnsworth pitched the day before.

With that in mind, I mentioned this in the game thread, but I think it was lost in the blind rage.  I have discovered a very important statistic which I think will be revolutionary.  My name will soon be up there with Bill James and other Fathers of Statistics or Whatever.  The statistic, FRNS, is formulated thusly:

A team X has a pitcher Y, whose name is Kyle Farnsworth.  Every one of X's losses that can be directly attributed to Y counts for that team as a FRNS.

The Royals currently lead the majors in FRNS with 3.  Curiously, no other team has any, though there were similar anomalies in past seasons.

How useful and revolutionary will the FRNS be?  Well, I think it will be a reliable predictor of playoff appearance and performance.  My hypothesis is, if a team's FRNS is too high - the Royals are a good example, if they continue on their pace for 35 FRNS this season - they have a zero percent chance to make the playoffs.  In fact, they won't even come close.  Everyone will laugh at them.  Similarly, I predict that season FRNS rate and playoff losses will be closely related; a team with a high enough FRNS rate is sure to get a FRNS or two in the playoffs, and then they'll lose and everyone will laugh at them.

I'll be watching the Royals closely now to keep track of their FRNS (and their FRNS+, FRNSIPVORP, FRNSPBCNTR, tFRNSoXRBeNPi, and all other derivatives).  I'll keep you posted as the season drags on.

[Note: I picked on Farnsy, but this is actually all Hillman's fault.  But I wasn't sure if the Royals have more HLMNs than FRNSs.  Probably.  Someone else will have to keep track of that.]

After a glorious nine-day streak of pure Royals baseball, we suddenly jolt to a halt so the wussy players can have a day off and travel to Texas like the wussies they are.  We fans aren't so weak.  We're prepared to watch games 162 days in a row. We'd love to do that.

Instead, here we are, more bored than we've ever been in our entire lives.

So as a service to you Offday-Open-Threadgoers, I've rounded up some prime entertainment.  Sure, it's not a Royals game, but it's about as exciting as non-Royals-games can be.  Here you go:

Watch paint dry

Watch grass grow (LIVE!)

They're not much, but by the time you're done being excited by them, you'll be about 30 seconds closer to the next Royals game.

*SIGH*

Nobody spoke of it, but all felt it stirring deep within them.  In the depths of their souls, primal and amorphous yearnings shifted like layers deep within the earth.  A tense silence seemed to fall over their consciousness; a persistent distraction from things.  In spite of the chores and pursuits with which they sought to busy themselves, they could never keep their minds and hearts from returning again and again to the question:

How can you spend $11 at Taco Bell?

Ummmmmmmmm...

Ignore that last Fanpost, mkay?

Kristen Peck personally called me to let me know that Cox finished the negotiations, and Cox will carry all the games.

Heh heh.  Oops.

All is forgiven, Cox.  Now I love you.  To reach seventy-five words for this post, here is an ode to Cox:

Cox!
O sun! Life! Eternity!
Light of this world and Cox!
We rejoice and celebrate with song in the sunshine
our great happiness!
Glory to thee! Glory! Glory!

EDIT: Because I consider it some of my best writing, I'll leave the below FanPost intact, but it is no longer relevant.  Cox has finished negotiations and will carry all 140 games.

-----

"MLB: Cox is still at 100 K.C. games; talks continue"

According to Peck, Cox received "some calls" from customers upset by the abbreviated Royals' schedule and heard of other fans upset by the decision.

"We know that there are some pretty passionate Royals fans," Peck said. "The issue that we have is that the sports programming is very expensive. Our research tells us that 25 percent of our viewers are sports fans and the others don't watch any.

"As we make decisions on programming, we have to consider all of our customers."

Warning: suitably coarse language to follow.

At least two of the "some calls" came from me and Steve Perry.  We were answered with this same bullshit last season.

Where to begin?

- Only 25 percent of viewers are sports fans?  SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT OF VIEWERS DO NOT WATCH ANY SPORTS?  IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE?  This is Omaha, Nebraska.  Some people in this city like to follow the local collegiate teams, the whats-their-names... oh yeah, the Cornhuskers.  And that private school... right, Creighton.  And every summer there's some kind of spectacle of baseball here.  Whatever.

Point is, you have got to be shitting me.  According to this boring pdf, Omaha had a median age of 35.2 in 2007, with a median household income of $55k.  So here's a mostly adult population, plenty capable of sending a small fortune every month to Cox Cable.  I don't care what city it is - if you told me that 75% of its population don't watch any sports on TV, I wouldn't know whether to laugh in your face or slap it.

Only 25% of viewers watch sports?  Is that why Cox has at least two ESPN and Fox Sports Net channels in its lineup?  Is that why the town has at least two successful sports radio stations?

What I really want to know is, who the fuck was paid money to produce these findings, and where can I sign up to be paid money to do it too?

- If Cox had to pay for those games, Miss Peck told me, then the cost would be passed on to subscribers.

Well, yes.  I believe that's called "trade," a system in which I give you a pile of my money, and you give me what I want.  I realize not everyone can get what they want from a cable carrier, especially in these tough economic times in which we have no idea how the privately-held Cox company is doing (my guess: they're still getting a lot of my money).  But, let me tell you a couple of stories about that.

First, before I talked to Miss Peck, I talked to some random guy at Cox about the issue.  He gave me this line about having to raise rates if they got the games.  I asked him if that's such a problem, why am I paying so that everyone can get Home and Garden Television in high definition?

He told me, "Well, if you want a la carte cable, you'll have to take that up with your congressman."

Yes.  A representative of a business - and remember, a business is the entity to which I give my money, in return for some good or service, and I may choose not to give them my mony - told me that I should take my customer service issue to Congress.

The mind boggles.

The second story is the letter I got midseason last year.  Oh, Cox was so proud of all they had accomplished.  Extended service to the whole metro area, they declared!  Put the digital signal system into place, they trumpeted!  Obtained even more high definition channels, such as HGTV and the Golf Channel!  Could they have done any more work for the good of mankind?  They were pretty sure they could not!

Oh, and because of all this stuff they did, they had to raise rates.  Sorry.

Yep.  Not two months after Miss Peck told me they were so worried about it, they did it.  Only, they didn't raise my rates and give me what I wanted.  They raised rates and gave me a bunch of shit I don't want.  So I guess it's ok to do that to sports fans, but heaven forbid we do it to HGTV and golf fans!

Wait a damn minute... isn't golf a sport?

Whew, cognitive dissonance attack.  Had to medicate it with huge piles of someone else's money.

- Every other TV carrier in the market is carrying 140 games.  Only Cox is electing to carry 100.  The article tells us that this is a problem in Wichita and Topeka, too.  I guess there aren't any sports fans there, either.  Certainly not Royals fans.  That would just be nutty.

Never mind that Omaha is home to the AAA affiliate of the Royals.  Never mind that all eyes are on a son of Nebraska to continue crushing dingers for KC as he did on Opening Day.  Who cares?  According to Cox's market research (proudly conducted by the AARP, apparently), in a crowd of 100 people, only 25 could even name a sport.

- How much would it cost Cox to carry those games?  Of course they won't say.  Word is that Fox Sports charges on a per-customer basis.  Fine, that gives a little more credibility to the "we'd have to raise rates and we'll never ever ever do that no sir" line of whining.  But let's think about it.

How much could FSN be asking, really?  Back in the bad old days, 2001, Kristen Peck's predecessor said Cox had 180,000 subscribers in Omaha.  How much does it cost FSN to do 140 games in high definition?  Say Cox decided to raise rates solely for FSN.  If rates were raised by a dollar (last year's increase was something like five or six, if I remember correctly), that would make $2.16 million a year, from Omaha alone.  Somehow I don't think they're asking anything that high.

Consider also the fact that every other regional carrier has the full schedule.  Can't Cox (which, I read somewhere I'm too lazy to cite, is the nation's third-largest cable company) afford it?  Are they that strapped for cash? Goodness, it's a wonder they can continue operating at all, let alone add HGTV in hi-def to their lineup.

---

To conclude: what.  The fuck.  Ever.  I currently live in an apartment (my own basement, you'll recall), so I can't install a satellite dish.  But to my fellow Omahans, I advise you to contact Kristen Peck, Vice President of Government and Public Affairs (biography and hilariously high-resolution photo here, phone number 402-934-0256, email address kristen.peck@cox.com, and she's on LinkedIn, where she says she's interested in "getting back in touch").  Express your feelings to her so she can look down her nose at you, the insane passionate minority fanatic of these so-called "sports."  Then follow the lead of Steve Perry, Lee Warren, and me whenever I get a house, and start giving your piles of money to DirecTV.

I might just cancel my cable even though I can't get satellite for now.  I can download my favorite shows.  The only other reason I subscribe?  You guessed it.  To watching fucking sports.  No sense in continuing to pay for it if I can't watch the sports I want.

To conclude my conclusion, and tie it all together neatly: Fuck Cox Cable.

Two vital Midwest cities face an unprecedented threat.  It may be that Billy Butler and Sidney Ponson split their devastating appetites between the two cities.  However, citizens of Omaha and Kansas City must brace for the previously unthinkable.  At any time, both players could be assigned to the major or minor league roster.  We are moments away from a beef and cheese catastrophe.  Many experts are arguing that bacon will be just as strongly affected.

If you live in the KC or Omaha area, use this tool to predict where you can go if you need to obtain cheeseburgers:

http://www.carloslabs.com/projects/200712B/GroundZero.html

Type in "Kansas City, MO" (or "Omaha, NE") and press Search.  From the drop-down menu in the lower left, select "Mk28" 1.4mt, and press "Nuke it" at the bottom.

Here is the meaning of the radii, from the center outward:

1. No cheeseburgers to be found at all; peripheral junk food supply is also devastated.

2. Cheeseburgers may be found in the early morning, and only at establishments recently receiving shipments.

3. Reserve cheeseburger supplies make location of cheeseburgers in this area more likely.

4. Cheeseburgers are likely to be found in this area, though rolling outages may occur in linear patterns as the two players make their meal runs.

Outside the radius, cheeseburger service will only be impacted by other refugees fleeing the crisis zone to seek cheeseburgers.  Watch out for increased traffic and meal wait times as you approach the crisis zone.

In the event of a crisis, we have no idea how long it will last.  Already, the cheeseburger market is being affected by worried citizens moving to stockpile cheeseburgers at home.  Hot dog and Bon Bon vendors are also expressing worry.

Pray we make it through both contracts.  And if Runelvys makes a return... God help us all.

What do you do on offdays?  Me, I stare at the blank TV, feeling desperate.  I might go catch an Omaha Royals game, if they're in town.  But they're definitely not in town today.

Yup.  Sure is boring around here.

Now I have adapted the conclusion of Puccini's Turandot to offdays:

Offday!

Night!  Death!  Nihility!

Darkness of this world and hate!

We mourn and lament with song in the dark,

our great sorrow!

Curses to thee!  Curses!  Curses!

O Offday, like the moon you are changeable, ever waxing and waning;

hateful life first oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it,

poverty and power: it melts them like ice.

Offday - monstrous and empty, you whirling wheel,

you are malevolent, well-being is in vain and always fades to nothing,

shadowed and veiled you plague me too;

now through the game I bring my bare back to your villainy.

Offday is against me in health and virtue,

driven on and weighted down, always enslaved.

So at this hour without delay, pluck the vibrating strings;

since Offday strikes down the strong man,

everyone weep with me!

Offday Imperatrix Mundi