SB Nation User Blog: Porcus

JoePo: Fire the whole team

Porcus — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 06:11:14 -0000

JoePo: Fire the whole team

Well, not really. But in a KC Star column, he shies away from going as far as "The Firing Squad: Dave Owen Edition". At the end:

I’m not blaming Hillman or the coaches or any specific players for this. To be that bad at something, it takes a full team effort.

Well yeah. Plus you wouldn't want to get banned from the Royals.

[Edit: I see now Craig based his work on a JoePo blog post. Updating this fanshot appropriately.]

Offday 6: Offdays So Boring They Cause Crime

Porcus — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:36:00 -0000

How could I keep from doing an offday post once I realized the direct correlation (and therefore causation) between offdays and brazen robberies? 100% of all robberies directly outside my front door have taken place on offdays. Therefore I plan to fight off my boredom tonight by stalking the streets with my softball bat.

Of course, 100% of all my dominant pitching performances in my slowpitch league have been on offdays too. That means we can expect around 30 total strikeouts from me on July 16 and 23.

So, what's everyone drinking tonight?

Offday 5 Open Thread

Porcus — Thu, 28 May 2009 08:13:59 -0000

This is only the fifth offday? Ugh. And it's a mere three games until the next one, with another following weekly until June 29. Dig in, everyone. It's gonna be a rough month of Mondays.

Said month hasn't even started yet, though, and here we are with an offday. What will we all do when 7:10 rolls around and there's no Royals game? You might suggest I watch the Cavs-Magic game. I might laugh in your face. If it's not Royals baseball, then it's filth and I want nothing to do with it.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to take the mound again in my pursuit of the Metro Omaha Softball Mens and/or Coed* D-League Cy Young Award.** I made my career pitching debut two weeks ago in long relief for the coed team, going 4ish*** innings, striking out one, and probably taking the loss because my team can't play defense.

* Both teams are managed by the same guy and share several of the guy players.

** They will create the award and give it to me after my dominant season.

*** All stats are guesstimates because I don't have a statistician around... I could probably ask my manager for a copy of each scorecard, but he would probably punch me in the face.

Last week, I started in the men's game and went the distance, giving up maybe four earned runs (along with around 20 unearned). I didn't get any strikeouts, but I did get a batter called out when he stepped on the plate reaching for an outside pitch. Heh heh heh. Try to match that, Greinke. I also threw a runner out at the plate... from about ten feet behind it.

In the coed game, the manager pulled a Trey and decided to give someone else a chance pitching. In a Ho-Ram-as-starter-like performance, he gave up about 10 runs in the first inning. Someone else came in for relief in the second, and I got the call from the sheepish manager to mop up the rest of the game. I did fairly well, recording another strikeout and who knows how many or how few earned runs. I did notch a bizarre inning-ending double play on an infield fly call... one of the baserunners mistakenly kept running and rounded third, then thought the inning was over and started trotting across the field. I wasn't paying attention and thought it was the batter. The umpire awkwardly refused to call the play dead, and after a moment of confusion, I tagged the wayward runner for the third out.

Tonight, the mens and coed games are scheduled at the same time, so I will face either the Master Batters* or the Slumpbusters, respectively. I have no idea what the league standings are, what is at stake, or anything other than my own teams' records (mens: 0-4, coed: 2-3). As Greinke might say, I just know I have to go out there and pitch good.

* You stay classy.

I estimated my season FIP and other stats in a text to Minda, but my phone has forgotten them.

We will not discuss my batting.

Whooo-weee!!!!

Porcus — Thu, 21 May 2009 06:49:22 -0000

Whooo-weee!!!!

This story is showing up about 30 times in my RSS reader.

Please, people. Publish feeds responsibly.

(At least if you're gonna inadvertantly spam a story, make it less gushy.)

Offday 4 Open Thread

Porcus — Mon, 18 May 2009 22:37:15 -0000

Wow, I was so bored I forgot to create the Offday Thread.

Things could be worse, I suppose. This should be Offday 5, but that Opening Day rainout spared us. Maybe I should make Rainout Day threads too.

So what's everyone doing tonight instead of watching the Royals? I have a game of ultimate frisbee to play, and then I'll spend my evening cursing the gods and mourning alone because Greinke's not pitching on my birthday.

I might vacuum, too.

Offday 3 Open Thread

Porcus — Mon, 11 May 2009 06:46:48 -0000

It's safe to say that the last three weeks have been the most entertaining stretch of my entire life. But alas, Offday 3 is upon us. Our wussy players have to be a bunch of wussies and take a day off. They're in the middle of a couple of west coast series, isn't that already like a vacation?

It may be good for the team, but this offday could not come at a worse time for us fans. There's nothing for us to think about all day except the three-game sweep KC just suffered, Soria going on the DL, and Thir Thidney going to the bullpen (will this work?).

And while team and fans alike are reeling, we have nothing to look forward to but the already-do-or-die opening game of a two-game series. Luckily, after this there are no more two-gamers in the season. I don't know if I could take the stress of any more, especially when I see that there's another offday every single week until the end of June, when an electrifying three-week Royals baseball binge will bring us into That Which Is So Boring That It Shall Not Be Named. (Though we may have a little more interest in it this year; perhaps both a starter and a closer on the AL team?)

Personal note: I see Hoch is the projected starter for tomorrow. Meche had better follow on Wednesday, or it'll be much less likely that Greinke will pitch on my birthday, May 20. In Kansas City. Against Cleveland. Hillman can do whatever else he wants, but if he makes it so there's a decent chance to see a perfect game on my birthday, he's fine in my book. For what more could I ask?

Well, time to wrap up this offday rant. I have to pace myself for the next month and a half. I know everyone will be so bored that they'll read the offday posts, so I have to be on top of my game. Looking back, I see that I randomly ended all my paragraphs with questions. Therefore, I'd better sign off thusly: You stay classy, Kansas City. I'm Porcus?

Bloomquist is red-hot Royal

Porcus — Mon, 04 May 2009 05:41:33 -0000

Bloomquist is red-hot Royal

The story itself is startling, but here's what I want to know: whom do we blame for all this talk of "the hot hand?" Especially "riding" it? I hear it all the time, and I hate it.

Greinke on the importance of the SI cover

Porcus — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:38:49 -0000

Greinke on the importance of the SI cover

"So it’s a mistake. They’ll probably sell their least amount of magazines in a long time — except when NASCAR was on the cover."

Offday 2 Open Thread (Debut: FRNS)

Porcus — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 05:26:46 -0000

Welcome, welcome, to another glorious offday. I've noticed a delightful trend this season: one hundred percent of all offdays follow days with games in which Kyle Farnsworth blew it (or Trey Hillman blew it vicariously through Farnsworth)!

So not only do we get to spend all day thinking about how bored we are and how much we'd rather be watching the Royals play, we also get another whole extra twenty-four hours to ponder how absolutely, unbelievably stupid it was that Farnsworth pitched the day before.

With that in mind, I mentioned this in the game thread, but I think it was lost in the blind rage. I have discovered a very important statistic which I think will be revolutionary. My name will soon be up there with Bill James and other Fathers of Statistics or Whatever. The statistic, FRNS, is formulated thusly:

A team X has a pitcher Y, whose name is Kyle Farnsworth. Every one of X's losses that can be directly attributed to Y counts for that team as a FRNS.

The Royals currently lead the majors in FRNS with 3. Curiously, no other team has any, though there were similar anomalies in past seasons.

How useful and revolutionary will the FRNS be? Well, I think it will be a reliable predictor of playoff appearance and performance. My hypothesis is, if a team's FRNS is too high - the Royals are a good example, if they continue on their pace for 35 FRNS this season - they have a zero percent chance to make the playoffs. In fact, they won't even come close. Everyone will laugh at them. Similarly, I predict that season FRNS rate and playoff losses will be closely related; a team with a high enough FRNS rate is sure to get a FRNS or two in the playoffs, and then they'll lose and everyone will laugh at them.

I'll be watching the Royals closely now to keep track of their FRNS (and their FRNS+, FRNSIPVORP, FRNSPBCNTR, tFRNSoXRBeNPi, and all other derivatives). I'll keep you posted as the season drags on.

[Note: I picked on Farnsy, but this is actually all Hillman's fault. But I wasn't sure if the Royals have more HLMNs than FRNSs. Probably. Someone else will have to keep track of that.]

Offday 1 Open Thread

Porcus — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 19:35:07 -0000

After a glorious nine-day streak of pure Royals baseball, we suddenly jolt to a halt so the wussy players can have a day off and travel to Texas like the wussies they are. We fans aren't so weak. We're prepared to watch games 162 days in a row. We'd love to do that.

Instead, here we are, more bored than we've ever been in our entire lives.

So as a service to you Offday-Open-Threadgoers, I've rounded up some prime entertainment. Sure, it's not a Royals game, but it's about as exciting as non-Royals-games can be. Here you go:

Watch paint dry

Watch grass grow (LIVE!)

They're not much, but by the time you're done being excited by them, you'll be about 30 seconds closer to the next Royals game.

*SIGH*