The Bruce is loose!

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If you're not familiar with this song, you should be.  It's fantastic.

"Dog Shit"

[*dogs barking*]

[Ol Dirty Bastard]
All y'all bitches put your naps together
And all you niggaz put your dicks together, bitch

[Ol Dirty starts singing]
Hoeeeee! Yah ha heh
De, hayyyy! Ah ha he hay
De, haaaaa! Errr hah hahhhr
Haaaaaaaah He hawww, heahh

She flew in like calm breeze
Tall brown skin her weave like palm trees
I went coconuts
Dipped my Dunkin' between your Donut
Don't want it if it ain't no slut, bitch!
Fathership touch ground, like fly on soup
Don't invite me I tear the fuck down
White ones cut my toupee!
Seventh day rester, or scream play
I slump MC slay, it ain't nuttin to bust ass
Bullet him, get him fast
Bitch I don't break out, blast to the next rash
The dog piss on MC's like trees
Got meals but still grill that old good welfare cheese

[Ol Dirty sings again]
Hoeeeeee!
Yeah, hayyyy! Dedicated to all you bitch ass niggaz
De, haaaaa And you bitch ass niggarettes
Bitch! Hoeeeeee! Motherfuckers!

[RZA] Let that bitch go!

Shame on a nuh, who tried to step TUH
the Ol Dirty Bas, put my foot up your UHH
Bitch, you walk around with your bra too tight
It's alright, you still gon' get fucked tonight
Hoeeeeee!

[Method] Stankin ass hoes!

You're the type of bitch don't appreciate sheeeit
Never had sheeeit, so you won't be sheeeeit
That pussy there, couldn't satisfy a hair
on my body, treat me like a lolli and slob me down
*SLURP, SLURP* I'm Doo Doo Brown! Hehahahaha
Tossed salad, oh you in some shit now
Callin me a dog, well leave a dog alone
Cause nothin can stop me from buryin my bones
in the backyard, of someone else's house
Ol Dirt Dog, but I'm not dog out
Here comes Rover, sniffin at your ass
But pardon me bitch, as I shit on your grass
That means hoe, you been shit-ted on!
I'm not the first dog that's shitted on your lawn

[crazy drunken ass ODB singin again]

Hoeeeee! Yeah, heyyyy, de haaaaa
Hoe, ohhaowwohh!
Hoeeeee, de heyyyy
(This is dedicated to all y'all bitches)
De, haaaahhhh
Hoeeeee! Yeah, heyyyy, de haaaaa
Ahahaahaaah

Fuck y'all

I'm going to go ahead and put the odds on the Bulls laying an egg tonight at 80%.  What say you?

Shapiro: Neal, how are you doing?
Huntington: Not bad, Mark. Not particularly good, but, ya know, not bad.
Shapiro: Yes, yes. Yes. Look, Neal, I need a favor.
Huntington: Right, well, let's see, I'll trade you Steve Pearce, Garrett Jones, Zack Duke, Joel Hanrahan, John Perrotto, KDKA, six pierogi, and Robert Morris University for Luis Valbuena, Matt LaPorta, Jess Todd, Justin Masterson, Hector Rondon, Alex White to be named later, Terry Pluto, WKNR, the Lake Erie Monsters, and Case Western Reserve.
Shapiro: No, no, this isn't about a trade, this is, wait, I have Matt LaPorta?
Huntington: Sure.
Shapiro: Really?
Huntington: Hitting pretty well in Columbus, actually. Not as well as Trevor Crowe was, though.
Shapiro: I have Matt LaPorta? Why the heck isn't he in Cleveland then?
Huntington: Well, that's a pretty good question.
Shapiro: Look, no, the reason I called is -- I can't keep track of who plays for my team.
Huntington: It can be a bit confusing. Have you tried Excel?
Shapiro: Yes, of course: Excel, Oracle, Access, I've tried them all, but they just keep getting out of synch. I mean, look: this version says I still have Carl Pavano.
Huntington: Well, yeah, you DO still have Carl Pavano.
Shapiro: No, it says right here: "Pavano's incentives close to kicking in, of no value to a team out of contention, make sure to trade him in July."
Huntington: Well, I wondered about that.
Shapiro: And, of course, the best way to do that was to showcase him twice against really poor offenses, and luckily, we faced Seattle twice in two weekends. Held them to 13 runs in 7 games! It was genius, I tell you. Two Pavano starts against the M's and.
Huntington: Uhm, Pavano didn't start in EITHER Seattle series, did he?
Shapiro: Wait, let me check my notes here. I'm sure we wouldn't have messed that up.
Huntington: He did throw a heckuva game recently, maybe you can still get a nibble.
Shapiro: Okay, look, how do you keep track of all the guys you have flying around?
Huntington: Well, I've stopped using names, for one thing.
Shapiro: What?
Huntington: Yeah, it's a trick I picked up from President Bush. I give them all nicknames and it sort of works out. You know, like when we traded Lippy, Napalm, Biscuit, and Fader for all those other guys.
Shapiro: Lip. I'm not sure that really addresses my issue here, Neal.
Huntington: Suit yourself. I'm not all that attached to these guys.
Shapiro: They are the foundation of your future, you know.
Huntington: Well, kind of. They're more like the foundation of the foundation of the future.
Shapiro: I see.
Huntington: But look, Mark, I think you did a pretty good job building up a collection there.
Shapiro: Well, I appreciate that, Neal.
Huntington: Sure, Mark.
Shapiro: It means a lot coming from you.
Huntington: No problem.
Shapiro: But Neal?
Huntington: Yeah?
Shapiro: Who the heck did I end up with?
Huntington: Well, I mean, I wasn't really targeting the kinds of guys you got, Mark. I couldn't really say.
Shapiro: Damn.
Huntington: Yeah, I mean, I didn't need a catcher, so I wasn't really targeting the guy from Philadelphia.
Shapiro: Well, we don't really need a catcher, either, Neal. We've got Santana, and we like Toregas in a backup sort of way, and we have Shoppach and Gimenez already.
Huntington: Then why did you trade for Lou Marson?
Shapiro: We traded for Lou Marson? That seems a bit silly.
Huntington: Well, I figured since you were trading Victor Martinez.
Shapiro: That really stunk.
Huntington: Yeah, that stunk.
Shapiro: It couldn't be helped.
Huntington: No, it couldn't be helped.
Shapiro: But Marson? Are you sure we traded for Marson?
Huntington: I'm pretty sure, Mark.
Shapiro: This isn't going exactly the way I planned it.
Huntington: Well, I mean, we were never in the running for a Marson or Donald or anyone like that. We don't really have what you call "saleable assets" like you did. I mean, there's Chunky and Flat Top and Rocquefort.
Shapiro: Donald, yeah, he would have been an interesting player, but we already have a pretty young middle infield set up.
Huntington: Mark?
Shapiro: Don't tell me.
Huntington: Yep.
Shapiro: Great Odin's ear hair!
Huntington: Now, you did mean to get the pitchers, right?
Shapiro: Oh, yes. I feel very good about the pitchers. Why, I even got a pitcher for Ryan Garko I like very much. Huge fellow.
Huntington: Yeah, that guy's big. I made my own move with Brian in the pitching department.
Shapiro: I felt a little bad doing that.
Huntington: Not me. Tim Alderson is going to be one of our best pitchers very soon.
Shapiro: You got Tim Alderson? Gad, what did you have to move for him? I didn't even consider asking for Alderson for Ryan Garko. I mean, Garko's a nice player, but you got Tim Alderson?
Huntington: Yep. For, uhm, Freddy Sanchez.
Shapiro: Freddy. Sanchez?
Huntington: Yep.
Shapiro: Isn't he hurt?
Huntington: Technically, yes.
Shapiro: And old?
Huntington: On the old side? I would have to say, yes.
Shapiro: And not very good?
Huntington: I mentioned this was Brian Sabean, right?
Shapiro: It didn't even occur to me to ask for Tim Alderson.
Huntington: You just stocked your farm system with a full third of every gigantic pitcher in minor-league baseball, Mark. I'm afraid you get precious little sympathy from me on the subject of pitching. Have you seen the back end of my rotation?
Shapiro: I do not want to talk about the back end of rotations, since the back end of my rotation is now the front end of my rotation.
Huntington: Hang on, I have another call.
Jocketty: Hey, whizz kid, didn't see that one comin', did you?
Huntington: No, Walt, I gotta admit, Scott Rolen caught me completely off guard.
Walt Jocketty: Who else is on the line?
Shapiro: It's Mark Shapiro, Mr. Jocketty.
Jocketty: Yeah, another whippersnapper. How you like them apples, Hotshot?
Shapiro: Well, I have to say, it never occurred to me to trade for Rolen there, Mr. Jocketty.
Jocketty: That's right, Homeslice. You don't know what it's like to depend on an erratic young third baseman.
Shapiro: Actually, I'm pretty darn familiar with that there, Mr. Jocketty.
Jocketty: Have you ever seen Edwin Encarnacion play defense?
Huntington: Not yet, no.
Shapiro: Actually, I pretty much see it every day.
Jocketty: Well, now I've got the position locked up with All-Star talent, boy-ee. Do you even know who's playing third for you next season?
Shapiro: Truthfully, no.
Huntington: Me either.
Jocketty: That's right.
Huntington: But I'm pretty sure I won't be making eleven mill next season.
Jocketty: Well, that's just.
Shapiro: Or have a history of back problems.
Jocketty: That's kind of over.
Shapiro: Or be 35.
Jocketty: Age is just a number.
Huntington: For a last-place team.
Jocketty: (click)
Huntington: Was it something I said?
Shapiro: I still don't understand how I ended up with Lou Marson, Jason Donald, Jhonny Peralta, and Carl Pavano still on the damn roster.
Huntington: It's a process, Mark. Embrace the process.
Shapiro: So, you don't know who's still on my team, either?
Huntington: Not really, no. But Mark?
Shapiro: Yeah?
Huntington: Have you considered nametags?

 

I found this funny.