With our arch nemesis Detroit currently shitting the bed like a 4 year old on laxatives, I decided to investigate how their blog, Winging It In Motown was handling Detroits plummet from power.

* Almost none of what follows is based in any sort of legitimate reporting, except the fact that the Red Wings suck and that Detroit makes most of eastern Europe look like Disneyworld.

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So I have this friend who goes to school near Philly, she has a room mate whose father is part of the flyers organization so long story short I will be attending the November 7th Blues Flyers game in Philadelphia and sitting in primo seats. The only downside to this is that I'm afraid that Flyers fans might not respond very nicely to my excessive pride in the Blues (people in Philly threw batteries at Santa Clause for christs sake) Either way it is bound to be one of the most insane weekends of my life and I figured that I'd let you know now so you're not confused when I fall silent after Nov. 7.

Im a slow learner, so 11 things is tough, but here we go

11) Dont go near big blue rats

10) Compound swearing

9) That once you trick someone into going to meatspin, people tend to not click on anything you post

8) The sweater never touches the floor

7) That there are non-family members in the state of Michigan that have not been infected by the Detroit Douche Flu

6) Higher tolerance (but not for people)

5) During the regular season, Sharks are friends not douchebags who killed our best shot at the cup in the past decade

4) If I don't get my morning links, I get grumpy and violent

3) More tolerance (still not for people)

2) David Backes is actually god and if I ever decide to go back to church I had better be wearing #42

1)  Even if you did almost clobber an innocent bystander with a shoe following a Blues loss, there are still people who will accept you

So as many of you know, I often use my education in physics to construct large pneumatic cannons which I then test in my back yard by shooting stuff into the next subdivision. Now for a while people have been constructing a very nice house in that subdivision that I often used for target practice since no one had bought the house. (I'm sure the rotting oranges accumulating on the roof made it a tough sell) However, someone finally bought the house and just try and guess who it is.... None other than John Mr. Sunshine on my god damn shoulders Davidson, seriously. The man is moving into a house only a few hundred yards from mine, so now the question becomes 'do I stop aiming towards his house when testing out my contraptions?'

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Alright, so I've just about finished decompressing from what was the best and most insane summer of my entire life and to get me back into the swing of things, I feel I should share some of the moments that made this summer great. (You guys are like my only friends so deal with it. (seriously, would you be my friend if the internet wasn't between us?)) So strap yourselves in, grab a cold drink (or 8) and enjoy a incredibly biased description of some of the highs and lows of my time as a camp counselor.

Warning!!! This may be the longest and unentertaining post in the history of STLGT...however, it still ranks way above anything ever written for Winging It In Motown.

Being a counselor made me feel this cool every single day....

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Well summer is just about over and that means two things, first camp is now over leaving me slightly depressed since it was one of the best experiences of my life, and two without the constant annoyance of kids and higher-ups making me act 'camp appropriate' I can now return to my normal ruckus raising ways of old. Its a difficult trade off but I'll take it, especially when the season starts back up. Anyway, I'm gonna take some time to adjust to showering daily, eating real food, not having to count the number of people I'm with and no feeling abnormally tall. In the meantime, I recommend researching a way to prevent meatspin from ever being opened on your computer. Peace out guys, it feels good to be back. FUCK DETROIT

via photos-b.ak.fbcdn.net

Sadly the moment has finally arrived, tomorrow morning I will be leaving the comfort of my home and heading off to my job at Camp Lakewood. With this will come a long drought in my visits to this wonderful site since Lakewood gives me just enough computer time during the week to check email and facebook. In my absence I would hope that Carnie will cover the job of unnecessary swearing, DK will keep the fear of meatspin fresh in everyones minds and that Juan and Chris won't realize how nice the site is without me and decided to ban me. I'm sure it will be an incredibly fun summer but I'll always have the feeling that something is missing until I am able to return. Good luck to you all, Go Blues and FUCK DETROIT.

-RFJCC 

Ok i cranked two of the submitted prompts out in like 20 minutes. In my opinion it's not my best work, but you guys seem to enjoy these so here we go...

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Prompt: How did the book Star Girl change your life?(Submitted by Carnie)

         According to Wikipedia, Jerry Spinelli’s novel Stargirl “centers on a new 10th grade student at Mica Area High School in Arizona: Stargirl Caraway, otherwise known as Susan Julia Caraway, an eccentric and compassionate girl who has spent her previous years in homeschooling.” Upon reading this quick description I immediately think of our friend Carnie, but then realize that the girl is described as ‘compassionate’ and realize that I am waaayyy off. As I read further I realize that this is one of those books you give to kids in order to teach them to be unique by acting shit-fucking crazy all the time. Dear god I can’t begin to tell you how annoying this is, especially when I’m working at a camp filled with kids who were spoon-fed this nonsense. Oh I just glanced again at the Wiki article again and found out that this chick plays the goddamn Ukulele…WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT? I mean why not learn the guitar, one it’s cooler and two it scores you way more ass than the Ukulele. (Seriously when was the last time you ever hear of a Ukulele player scoring with anyone other than his or her hand? (Rosey Palms anyone?)) Wait hold up, it seems that Wiki is informing me that because this girl is clinically insane, the narrator of the novel falls in love with her. OH FUCK ME RUNNING, are you serious? I mean it’s dumb for a person to fall like someone solely for their looks, but isn’t equally dumb to like someone because they act like they’ve had a lobotomy? Ok now give me a second to finish reading this plot recap and I’ll let you know how it ends……Oh man it’s worse than I imagined. Ok so like any stereotypical book about high school, the basketball team goes to the state play-offs. (Can anyone here name a novel where the high school basketball was mediocre?) Then it seems that the high school blames Stargirl for them losing in the playoffs. (Brad and Juan I blame the two of you for what happened to the Blues, yea that makes TOTAL sense) Now because of this, stargirl realizes that it’s not cool to act retarded (you think her parents would have told her that) and tries to fit in. In a hilarious turn of events, she fails and returns to being crazy, which causes the narrator to dump her, (seriously this guy might be more fucked up than stargirl) right before the big dance, and response stargirl basically whores herself out to a bunch of guys at the dance. (Wow, now that is and ORIGINAL way to respond to being dumped) She then disappears leaving the narrator, and the reader, wondering ‘what the hell just happened to me?’. In conclusion, I hate books that teach kids to be unique by acting as fucked up as possible. Here’s a tip, if you like doing something, keep doing it. Who gives a rat’s ass if it is conforming or not. It’s your goddamn life so do whatever you want and fuck the rest.(I think I stole that from a movie...)

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Prompt: If you were a wealthy landowner in the South would you support slavery? Would you own slaves?(Submitted by Wennington4)

(This is intended to be humorous, not racist…Please bear with me)

            Ah slavery, the American equivalent of the holocaust (of course since we were first chronologically, does that mean the holocaust was the German equivalent of slavery?) Anyway I’m pretty sure that this question half answers itself. I mean how the hell could I acquire wealth and land without slavers? It’s like scoring 50 goals all without a hockey stick, it cant be done and you’re gonna look like a fool for trying. I mean can you imagine the conversations my neighbors would have once they found out that I was farming my own land?

Neighbor One: Y’all hear about Mister Jennings down the road, I hear he works in the field all day

Neighbor Two: I do declare, you mean he works all day like a common slave?

Neighbor One: Indeed he claims he enjoys the work but I think he wants to fit in with the Negros.

Neighbor Two: Be like a negro? That wont happen till they start recording their music and invent such things as rock n roll, hip hop and afro’s

Neighbor One: Hip hop? Afro’s? Son what are you talking about?

Neighbor Two: I never told you? I can see into the future…

Neighbor One: WITCH! YOURE A WITCH! YOU MUST BURN!!!

(The next day I’m down to one neighbor who smells a lot like smoke)

So yes if I were a wealthy land-owner way down in Dixie I would have a whole slew of slaves to my work, leaving me free to pursue a higher level of education like so many southerners do today. (See what I did there?) Now as for supporting slavery, I’m pretty sure I would question the morality of it on a daily basis and it would probably make me feel bad. Naturally I would counteract this feeling of guilt by consuming large amounts of alcohol every night so I guess my overall feelings towards slavery would be neutral. Of course if we ignore the morality of the situation (I do this more and more theses days, like last week when I robbed to local 7 eleven in order to pay for a hit I put out on one of the prostitutes I was pimping. (I totally ignored morality on that one)) then I think owning slaves would be kinda awesome. I mean who doesn’t want a bunch of free help that will do whatever you need them to do? (Actually today you can just go to mexico for that, but you’ll need a truck, and a friend on the border patrol) In conclusion if I were a wealthy landowner in the South, I would most likely own salves and would probably support slavery just so I would fit in and not cause one of my fine neighbors to be burned at the stake.

(If the reviews stay positive, more will follow!!)

One of you brilliant members (i forgot who and am too lazy to check) asked if they could submit essay prompts for me to defile. What and AWESOME idea. So if you have any essay prompts laying around or feel like trying to make one up(The more obscure the better since I will be forced to make more stuff up) please submit them in the comments. I'll try and destroy all of them in due time or at least until I really offend someone and they make me stop.