SB Nation User Blog: RFJCC

RFJCC Investigates Winging It In Mowtown

RFJCC — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:41:57 -0000

With our arch nemesis Detroit currently shitting the bed like a 4 year old on laxatives, I decided to investigate how their blog, Winging It In Motown was handling Detroits plummet from power.

* Almost none of what follows is based in any sort of legitimate reporting, except the fact that the Red Wings suck and that Detroit makes most of eastern Europe look like Disneyworld.

My Investigation hit a roadblock the minute it started. I was bluntly reminded that my RFJCC profile was serving a lifetime ban from WIM do to an unfortunate 'misunderstanding'. (Seriously, I thought they would enjoy meatspin) Thus I was forced to dust off SuperDetroitFan an alter-ego that almost gained a position as a story writer for WIM, however today it was only to be used to allow me to take a look around and chat up the base creatures that roamed its pages.

Upon arriving at the blog's home page, my computer immediately began to emit a smell comparable to rotting flesh and I quickly realized that they still hadn't done anything about that homeless guy who was frozen in ice last winter. Even though the smell was unbearable, I covered my nose and dove deeper, searching for people to talk to.

After looking around for a minute, I realized that the place was emptier than love from a stripper. Even though there was a came going on, there were about 46 total comments through the 2nd period, and most of them were made by a MrNorrisTrophy. I tried to chat the fellow up, but he recognized my alias and began demanding that I be banned again. However this won't stop me from making shit up about him that is loosely based upon what I found on his profile. The first thing that I notice was his picture, which made him look like a fat fuck from my elementary school who was dumber than shit and slower than molecules at absolute kelvin. Next I read his profile which basically told me that he uses his love of sports to keep him from focusing that he is a lonely man with a very small penis. (Ok so I made up part of that, I'm sure some women like his small package).

Next up was a mpetrella whose profile pic told that, 'I'm a humongous doucehat who used hipster culture to land a semi hot hipster girlfriend who probably believes that Matt and Kim is the second coming of christ'. Now these two fuckwads combined for most of WIM comments and can be considered the only two remaining detroit fans who also happen to own computers. Neither of them would answer any of my questions, most likely because they were too busy guzzling cum. (If mpetrella's GF is reading this, I recommend dumping him and swinging by STLGT, I'm sure we could hook you up with a nice, non-gay guy who also happens to not be a Douchetroit fan)

And what of their fearless (and might I add ball-less) leader Christy? At first I was impressed to meet a female from Detroit who was not an aging hooker out looking to score some crack, but then the fact that she was a Red Wings fan began to sour our relationship. Now I can't honestly say anything bad about Ms. Christy, she works hard to run a quality blog (even if it is inhabited by shitheads and fuckwads) and almost gave me a job as a writer, even tough I was totally lying to her about my love for Detroit and supposed journalistic skills. All in all she seems like a nice girl, if only we could convert her to a Blues fan.

In conclusion, WIM is rapidly crumbling, many of their followers are abandoning ship to avoid watching the Red Wings return to their 1980's glory. Though it was never in doubt who had the better blog site, WIM has sunk so low that it leaves us only one option, to continue to insult them at every opportunity. I mean what type of Blues fans would we be if we didn't kick those red bastards while they were down?

Famous Last Words....

RFJCC — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:25:11 -0000

So I have this friend who goes to school near Philly, she has a room mate whose father is part of the flyers organization so long story short I will be attending the November 7th Blues Flyers game in Philadelphia and sitting in primo seats. The only downside to this is that I'm afraid that Flyers fans might not respond very nicely to my excessive pride in the Blues (people in Philly threw batteries at Santa Clause for christs sake) Either way it is bound to be one of the most insane weekends of my life and I figured that I'd let you know now so you're not confused when I fall silent after Nov. 7.

Top 11 Things I've Learned from Game Time and Blues Hockey

RFJCC — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 03:25:55 -0000

Im a slow learner, so 11 things is tough, but here we go

11) Dont go near big blue rats

10) Compound swearing

9) That once you trick someone into going to meatspin, people tend to not click on anything you post

8) The sweater never touches the floor

7) That there are non-family members in the state of Michigan that have not been infected by the Detroit Douche Flu

6) Higher tolerance (but not for people)

5) During the regular season, Sharks are friends not douchebags who killed our best shot at the cup in the past decade

4) If I don't get my morning links, I get grumpy and violent

3) More tolerance (still not for people)

2) David Backes is actually god and if I ever decide to go back to church I had better be wearing #42

1) Even if you did almost clobber an innocent bystander with a shoe following a Blues loss, there are still people who will accept you

HOLY CRAP!!!I'

RFJCC — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 17:51:33 -0000

So as many of you know, I often use my education in physics to construct large pneumatic cannons which I then test in my back yard by shooting stuff into the next subdivision. Now for a while people have been constructing a very nice house in that subdivision that I often used for target practice since no one had bought the house. (I'm sure the rotting oranges accumulating on the roof made it a tough sell) However, someone finally bought the house and just try and guess who it is.... None other than John Mr. Sunshine on my god damn shoulders Davidson, seriously. The man is moving into a house only a few hundred yards from mine, so now the question becomes 'do I stop aiming towards his house when testing out my contraptions?'

- I'd like to take a moment to tell my neighbor to stop firing oranges through my bedroom window, and to stop asking me to clean Louie's suit.

-The yellow markers mark where our two houses are...fuck and yes

Poll

Should I stop firing stuff at John Davidson's house?

Yes, you're already enough of a douchebag

17 votes

No, you were there first and an orange to the face can't hurt that bad

7 votes

I refuse to answer because I know nothing is going to stop you anyway

16 votes

40 votes | Poll has closed

Summer Recap

RFJCC — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 03:44:17 -0000

Alright, so I've just about finished decompressing from what was the best and most insane summer of my entire life and to get me back into the swing of things, I feel I should share some of the moments that made this summer great. (You guys are like my only friends so deal with it. (seriously, would you be my friend if the internet wasn't between us?)) So strap yourselves in, grab a cold drink (or 8) and enjoy a incredibly biased description of some of the highs and lows of my time as a camp counselor.

Warning!!! This may be the longest and unentertaining post in the history of STLGT...however, it still ranks way above anything ever written for Winging It In Motown.

Being a counselor made me feel this cool every single day....

The Electrocution- During staff training we had to share a lot about ourselves and naturally I was quick to tell people about my work in the field of pneumatics. Surprisingly, this gave most people the idea that I was super-smart even though many of the stories I told ended in me getting hurt or in minor trouble with the police. (For the record I am fairly intelligent) So one day my unit director comes to me and asks if I know anything about stereo systems, to which I reply 'naturally'. (seriously my room looks like the back half of a radioshack) Thus I am put to work trying to fix the east camp stereo system while everybody else in my unit (east camp) is forced to do team building.( Total score i know) Now during one of these team building session everybody is at one side of the camp dining hall while im on the other side utilizing the only outlet in the entire room trying to figure out what is wrong with the stereo. I had narrowed the problem down to the transformer so I unplugged the stereo and reached in to remove the transformer. Sadly I neglected to remember that when transformers go bad they gain the ability to store mass amounts of electricity which was released into my body the minute I touched it. The shock was so powerful that it made me flip backwards onto my back and burned the hell out of my hand, it was a tough moment especially when everybody began to wonder "Why is that weird kid whose camp name I've already forgotten rolling around on the floor in agony?" Though I wasn't too badly injured, this moment turned out to be a dark foreshadowing of what was to come during the rest of the summer.

The First Cabin- Everybody says that the first cabin is the worst, and for a moment I almost agreed with them. Upon first glance my cabin seemed worse than Detroit's unemployment rate since they were the youngest teenager cabin and therefore refused to be very active in anything we did. To make things worse, I failed so miserably at filling out paperwork (I filled out the same sheet three times and still didn't get it right) that my unit directors made a public announcement to all the counselors telling them that I was no longer allowed to do paperwork. (This actually turned out ok, but it kind of killed my reputation of being a smart person) Fortunately as the week wore on, they turned into the most awesome cabin and easily my best cabin of the summer, especially when all of them joined my floor hockey clinic and we became the most unstoppable team in the history of the universe. Sadly at the end of the week they left and I was informed that in the coming week I would be moved from East Camp (teenage campers) to Explorers (11-12 year olds). I took the news well but I had no idea the type of hell that was about to befall me.

The Second Cabin- So I went to Explorers for the week and almost didn't make it out alive. On paper our cabin seemed ok, a few kids with allergies no biggie, but when they were dropped off, it seems that the parents completely forgot to mention that their children were completely insane. I'll never forget the first night when my kids sat around and compared what medications they were taking while another one went into the bathroom and peed all over my towel. (I didnt find out about this incident until I went to dry off after a shower then next morning...) During the week some of my cabin chased invisible 'shadow creatures' while others cried almost constantly and one of them even managed to fall off a bunk and go to the hospital with 'bruised' back. Ironically while at the hospital the poor kid caught strep throat and had to go home. He also happened to be the best kid in our cabin. As the week wore on, I was so desperate to return to East Camp that I used my night off to attend the East Camp dance. It was the best night of the whole week hands down. At the end of the week, me and my two co-counselors were honored by the Explorer unit directors for managing to survive the week with such a crazy cabin, and I was told I would be returning to East Camp for the next session. I couldn't have been happier.

The Fall- So my return to East Camp was pretty great, I had another totally awesome cabin and got to break it down at the East Camp dance for a third week in a row. However on friday afternoon we had a lost swimmer drill, which basically means you need to get down to the waterfront asap in order to begin searching for a possibly drowning camper. Naturally the minute the alarm was sounded, I took off in a full sprint for the waterfront. Everything was going just fine until I took my first step onto a decent sized hill leading down to the waterfront. It was at this instant that my right knee buckled and exploded in pain, causing me to fall face first down the hill. Upon reaching the bottom I noticed two things, one, my knee was rapidly turning into a volleyball and two, no one was stopping to help me and some were in fact jumping over me to get to the waterfront. Eventually my boss noticed me and helped me up, besides my knee exploding, I was bleeding from both knees, my left arm and my face. (It was a very rocky hill) In most situations I would have been rushed to the ER, but since it was the YMCA and everything was to be paid for by workmans comp, we had to stop off at the local doctors office for a drug test. Now in my 19 years on this earth I have never had a problem with going into a cup, but earlier in the day I had played 2 hours of floor hockey and my body was almost completely drained of all fluids. This led to me literally standing in a bathroom for half an hour willing my body to give me just enough urine to pass as a usable sample which I promptly spilled on the floor, forcing me to repeat the whole ordeal again before I could seek proper medical attention. At the wonderful ER in Potosi they informed me that I had aggravated the ligaments in my right knee and they gave me a full knee brace along with some crutches. On a lighter note I set the camp record for the fastest time in and out of that abomination they call a hospital. Sadly the injury kept me out of a cabin and on support staff for the next three weeks.

The Nation of Tesla- During my time as a cripple, I was put on light duty which meant working in such clinics as arts and crafts. During my time in A&C I typically resorted to vandalizing the tables and making really dumb art projects. One of these projects happened to be a flag with my camp name on it that I carried around on my backpack during the day. So one morning me and another counselor are standing in the dinning hall, which is decorated with flags from different countries, when we notice that there is a gap between two of the flags. I looked at him, he looked at me, we both looked at the flag and before you could say 'I pledge allegiance' we had hung my tesla flag on the wall with all the others. Later that day while me and him were filling out camper swim bands, we decided to start appointing people to positions within our government. Soon we had all major positions filled and a large following of citizens, we even claimed a small patch of land outside the dining hall. Later in the week since I had oodles of free time, I sat down and wrote a letter to the UN demand our nations acceptance. Sadly we never heard from them, but the nation of Tesla still lives on.

Our national anthem was 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'....not my choice

The Day of Unimaginable Shame- So right around the time that I busted up my knee, the was a soccer game between the american and english staff members in which the english won 6-1. For the next month and a half that was all they talked about until I decided to seek revenge in a different sport, this time the game would be floor hockey, a game that me and a few other american counselors were total gods at. (Seriously me and two other counselors once took on 13 teenage campers and half-way through the game were up 5-0 so we gave them our five goals and ended up winning 8-7) So we put up a sign up sheet and began to count down the days till we would get to lay waster to some tea sucking brits. However none of us counted on the fact that a bunch of people with zero hockey experience would sign up for the american team. I will never forget the shame I felt watching the american team play lazy uninspired defense and refuse to pass to wide open teammates in front of the net. Even worse was the fact that I only got to play about 8 minutes during the entire 3 period game because people demanded that I manage the line changes. Despite that I still managed 2 goals and an assist and was a plus 4 for the game, but sadly it wasn't enough, America lost to England 8-6 once again proving that in hockey hard work and determination will always overcome natural talent especially when the rest of the team is lazy as fuck. (I know how Sid the kid felt during his first years in the NHL)

The Raccoon- Raccoons are common place down in east camp and all of camp for that matter, they like to come and raid the trash cans at night and sometimes they even try to get into the cabins. Naturally it was my dream to one night successfully capture a raccoon and keep it in a cage as a camp pet. This never happened due to my crazy laziness and lack of quality supplies. Then when we were cleaning up camp after the last session were going to lock up the dumpster and lo and behold there in the corner was an adolescent raccoon. At first we thought it was injured so I jumped into the empty dumpster, put a blanket over it and grabbed it by the scruff of the neck. At this point I felt totally cool, so I held it up and exclaimed 'I got it!!', it was also at this point that the raccoon decided to prove how not injured it was and the thing went completely apeshit in my hand. Freaking out, I tossed the it across the dumpster where it landed in the corner and immediately turned around and ran at me. I did a back roll out of the dumpster and on to the ground while Mr. Raccoon leapt up on the to rim of the dumpster, look me dead in the eye and then ran off into the woods. Moral of the story, never fuck with raccoons.

We named the little guy 'Teeks'....not sure why though

Looking Back- As I said before this was without a doubt the best summer of my entire life, I made tons of new friends, many of which are equally as insane as I am, and I also have a new respect for parents. (how you raise children without the help of narcotics is completely beyond me) Camp Lakewood is one of the greatest places on earth and even though I never went a week without getting hurt or sick, I cannot wait to return to work there next summer. It's been tough to adjust to living in the real world again, but once hockey season starts I'm sure I'll be back to my swearing and terrorizing ways once again. If you have children, please send them to camp, it will change their lives for the better I promise unless your child is Carnie, in which case I'm soooo sorry. Oh and me and another counselor made a totally awful and cheesy video about camp....enjoy the part where I break dance

Ok I'm Back For Good

RFJCC — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 01:03:26 -0000

Well summer is just about over and that means two things, first camp is now over leaving me slightly depressed since it was one of the best experiences of my life, and two without the constant annoyance of kids and higher-ups making me act 'camp appropriate' I can now return to my normal ruckus raising ways of old. Its a difficult trade off but I'll take it, especially when the season starts back up. Anyway, I'm gonna take some time to adjust to showering daily, eating real food, not having to count the number of people I'm with and no feeling abnormally tall. In the meantime, I recommend researching a way to prevent meatspin from ever being opened on your computer. Peace out guys, it feels good to be back. FUCK DETROIT

via photos-b.ak.fbcdn.net

Poll

How Do you feel about the return of RFJCC?

I think it's totally awesome

10 votes

I think it's totally awesome assuming the YMCA has reformed his devious ways

3 votes

The though of his return just made me vomit

2 votes

Who the fuck is RFJCC and why should I care?

11 votes

26 votes | Poll has closed

I swear this wasnt my fault...

RFJCC — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 17:39:09 -0000

I swear this wasnt my fault...

at least I get a week off out of it and I think I still get paid too

Time To Say Goodbye

RFJCC — Tue, 19 May 2009 13:21:47 -0000

Sadly the moment has finally arrived, tomorrow morning I will be leaving the comfort of my home and heading off to my job at Camp Lakewood. With this will come a long drought in my visits to this wonderful site since Lakewood gives me just enough computer time during the week to check email and facebook. In my absence I would hope that Carnie will cover the job of unnecessary swearing, DK will keep the fear of meatspin fresh in everyones minds and that Juan and Chris won't realize how nice the site is without me and decided to ban me. I'm sure it will be an incredibly fun summer but I'll always have the feeling that something is missing until I am able to return. Good luck to you all, Go Blues and FUCK DETROIT.

-RFJCC

More essays

RFJCC — Mon, 04 May 2009 20:38:10 -0000

Ok i cranked two of the submitted prompts out in like 20 minutes. In my opinion it's not my best work, but you guys seem to enjoy these so here we go...

Prompt: How did the book Star Girl change your life?(Submitted by Carnie)

According to Wikipedia, Jerry Spinelli’s novel Stargirl “centers on a new 10th grade student at Mica Area High School in Arizona: Stargirl Caraway, otherwise known as Susan Julia Caraway, an eccentric and compassionate girl who has spent her previous years in homeschooling.” Upon reading this quick description I immediately think of our friend Carnie, but then realize that the girl is described as ‘compassionate’ and realize that I am waaayyy off. As I read further I realize that this is one of those books you give to kids in order to teach them to be unique by acting shit-fucking crazy all the time. Dear god I can’t begin to tell you how annoying this is, especially when I’m working at a camp filled with kids who were spoon-fed this nonsense. Oh I just glanced again at the Wiki article again and found out that this chick plays the goddamn Ukulele…WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT? I mean why not learn the guitar, one it’s cooler and two it scores you way more ass than the Ukulele. (Seriously when was the last time you ever hear of a Ukulele player scoring with anyone other than his or her hand? (Rosey Palms anyone?)) Wait hold up, it seems that Wiki is informing me that because this girl is clinically insane, the narrator of the novel falls in love with her. OH FUCK ME RUNNING, are you serious? I mean it’s dumb for a person to fall like someone solely for their looks, but isn’t equally dumb to like someone because they act like they’ve had a lobotomy? Ok now give me a second to finish reading this plot recap and I’ll let you know how it ends……Oh man it’s worse than I imagined. Ok so like any stereotypical book about high school, the basketball team goes to the state play-offs. (Can anyone here name a novel where the high school basketball was mediocre?) Then it seems that the high school blames Stargirl for them losing in the playoffs. (Brad and Juan I blame the two of you for what happened to the Blues, yea that makes TOTAL sense) Now because of this, stargirl realizes that it’s not cool to act retarded (you think her parents would have told her that) and tries to fit in. In a hilarious turn of events, she fails and returns to being crazy, which causes the narrator to dump her, (seriously this guy might be more fucked up than stargirl) right before the big dance, and response stargirl basically whores herself out to a bunch of guys at the dance. (Wow, now that is and ORIGINAL way to respond to being dumped) She then disappears leaving the narrator, and the reader, wondering ‘what the hell just happened to me?’. In conclusion, I hate books that teach kids to be unique by acting as fucked up as possible. Here’s a tip, if you like doing something, keep doing it. Who gives a rat’s ass if it is conforming or not. It’s your goddamn life so do whatever you want and fuck the rest.(I think I stole that from a movie...)

Prompt: If you were a wealthy landowner in the South would you support slavery? Would you own slaves?(Submitted by Wennington4)

(This is intended to be humorous, not racist…Please bear with me)

Ah slavery, the American equivalent of the holocaust (of course since we were first chronologically, does that mean the holocaust was the German equivalent of slavery?) Anyway I’m pretty sure that this question half answers itself. I mean how the hell could I acquire wealth and land without slavers? It’s like scoring 50 goals all without a hockey stick, it cant be done and you’re gonna look like a fool for trying. I mean can you imagine the conversations my neighbors would have once they found out that I was farming my own land?

Neighbor One: Y’all hear about Mister Jennings down the road, I hear he works in the field all day

Neighbor Two: I do declare, you mean he works all day like a common slave?

Neighbor One: Indeed he claims he enjoys the work but I think he wants to fit in with the Negros.

Neighbor Two: Be like a negro? That wont happen till they start recording their music and invent such things as rock n roll, hip hop and afro’s

Neighbor One: Hip hop? Afro’s? Son what are you talking about?

Neighbor Two: I never told you? I can see into the future…

Neighbor One: WITCH! YOURE A WITCH! YOU MUST BURN!!!

(The next day I’m down to one neighbor who smells a lot like smoke)

So yes if I were a wealthy land-owner way down in Dixie I would have a whole slew of slaves to my work, leaving me free to pursue a higher level of education like so many southerners do today. (See what I did there?) Now as for supporting slavery, I’m pretty sure I would question the morality of it on a daily basis and it would probably make me feel bad. Naturally I would counteract this feeling of guilt by consuming large amounts of alcohol every night so I guess my overall feelings towards slavery would be neutral. Of course if we ignore the morality of the situation (I do this more and more theses days, like last week when I robbed to local 7 eleven in order to pay for a hit I put out on one of the prostitutes I was pimping. (I totally ignored morality on that one)) then I think owning slaves would be kinda awesome. I mean who doesn’t want a bunch of free help that will do whatever you need them to do? (Actually today you can just go to mexico for that, but you’ll need a truck, and a friend on the border patrol) In conclusion if I were a wealthy landowner in the South, I would most likely own salves and would probably support slavery just so I would fit in and not cause one of my fine neighbors to be burned at the stake.

(If the reviews stay positive, more will follow!!)

Prompts needed!!

RFJCC — Mon, 04 May 2009 02:56:10 -0000

One of you brilliant members (i forgot who and am too lazy to check) asked if they could submit essay prompts for me to defile. What and AWESOME idea. So if you have any essay prompts laying around or feel like trying to make one up(The more obscure the better since I will be forced to make more stuff up) please submit them in the comments. I'll try and destroy all of them in due time or at least until I really offend someone and they make me stop.