The Twins have now won three in a row, all while wearing the "M" caps that they wore in the '80s and '90s. While these are clearly inferior to the "TC" caps in every conceivable way*, the Twins will likely wear these mistakes until they lose again. Baseball, as we've learned, is as superstitious a sporting enterprise as exists, so even though you can more rationally chalk up the winning streak to some timely hitting from Josh Willingham or a putrid Oakland lineup, there is no way in the name of Hosken Powell that the Twins will stop wearing these stupid and ugly hats until their luck changes.

This got us to thinking of other superstitious things that Twins players past and present have done in order to preserve or change their fortunes. These are all, without a doubt, made up:

• On the days he was scheduled to start at home, Kevin Tapani would walk to the WCCO-TV studios in Minneapolis, strip to the waist, and wrestle a Crisco-slathered Ralph Jon Fritz on Nicollet Mall. If there was no winner after 10 minutes, a draw was declared and Tapani and Fritz would steal Bud Kraehling's Lincoln Town Car and do donuts in the parking lot of the Lake Street K-Mart.
• After every strikeout, Matt LeCroy would eat half a Ziploc bag of homemade venison jerky. After every other type of at-bat, the Matt LeCroy would eat an entire Ziploc bag of homemade venison jerky.
• Twins reliever Frank Pastore was convinced that all the team's catchers were illegal immigrants, and would only pitch to a "real American," which was a scarecrow he crafted from Big League Chew, Joe Soucheray columns and old sunflower seed shells. He called it Jeff Catcherton. Two weeks ago, Drew Butera moved past Catcherton on the Twins all-time OPS leaders for catchers.
• John Castino was deathly afraid of vampires, and would always wear a necklace of garlic cloves and crucifixes in Baltimore, as he'd heard that was a big vampire town from Twins clubhouse manager Jim Wiesner. On a late-season road trip in 1979, Castino forgot to pack the necklace and emerged unscathed in Charm City, only to be swarmed by vampires outside of Fenway Park the next evening. It turns out Boston is the vampire town, not Baltimore, and that Wiesner was just pranking the rookie. Keep your head on a swivel, rook!
• On the days he caught in 1991, Junior Ortiz would eat the same lunch. While not unheard of, Ortiz was a unique case in that he made a big tub of chicken salad in March, and would only eat sandwiches from that batch. The lack of proper refrigeration, Ortiz's preference for "good and warm" mayonnaise and simple science meant that by mid-summer, Ortiz would have catastrophic bouts of food poisoning prior to the first pitch, contributing to his wild-eyed appearance, lack of plate discipline and halting post-game interviews.
• Whenever he was on a hitting streak, Mike Lamb demanded that everyone refer to him as Like Mamb, with a hard "b" at the end. No one ever did.
• When his turn in the rotation came up, Joe Mays would have the team's traveling secretary go to a used record store and have him or her buy all the copies of the Spin Doctors' Pocket Full of Kryptonite CD. Mays would take the discs and smash them to bits with a fungo bat. When asked why, Mays would just shrug and say, "'Two Princes,' my [redacted] ass. [Redacted]."

(*Here's the best way to put it: the only Twin who looked good in the "M" caps was Scott Erickson, and that was only because of the hockey hair and his whole Cobra Kai dojo aesthetic. Scott Erickson should NEVER be your best-case scenario for anything. Kirby didn't even look right in it. Kirby!)

The resistible force (Tigers defense) met the movable object (Twins starting pitching) on Friday night, and the latter gave more, as Anthony Swarzak and Francisco Liriano were battered by the Tigers potent offense in a 10-6 loss.

Things started promising enough, as Brian Dozier drilled a two-out, bases loaded double to stake the Twins to a 2-0 lead in the first. It was short-lived, as the Tigers got to Swarzak for four runs in the top of second on the strength of doubles by Brennan Boesch and Alex Avila. They chased him for good in the fourth on more doubles from Boesch and Avila, with an RBI single from Ryan Raburn ending his night with the Twins trailing 6-2.

With the score 7-3, the Tigers defense reared its ugly, ugly head in the sixth, with reliever Brayan Villareal contributing two throwing errors to Detroit's already unsound fundamentals and allowing the Twins to get within 7-5. And that was as close as it would get, as the Tigers got to former starter/current God-knows-what Francisco Liriano in the seventh for three more runs. In Frankie's very limited defense, the 10th run scored when Dozier whiffed on a shallow fly.

The 8th and 9th innings were marked by me begging the Twins to either make a comeback or just end the damn game and soon. The glacial, effective pace of Jose Valverde made sure neither happened.

Studs: Denard Span had a couple doubles. Josh Willingham had a double. Ben Revere had a couple very nice catches in right. Glen Perkins had a 1-2-3 eighth.

Duds: Swarzak was horrible. Liriano was horrible. I can't even get mad at the position players for any mistakes or bad at-bats when the pitching is such a [redacted] [redacted]show. First base umpire Allan Porter missed a pretty clearly safe Jamey Carroll on a close play at first in the 8th, tossed Carroll (his first career ejection, and he's terribly old) for reacting to his bad call, then tossed Gardenhire (his 61st career ejection, and he's terribly Gardy) for sticking up for Carroll.

Day game tomorrow. I hope it's better than this one. Enjoy your long weekend, everybody. Drive friendly.

Detroit is more disappointing than the Twins. Yay!

Heavers:

Anthony Swarzak

#51 / Pitcher / Minnesota Twins

Height: 6-4

Weight: 225

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Sep 10, 1985

Squatch-y.

Drew Smyly

#33 / Pitcher / Detroit Tigers

Height: 6-3

Weight: 190

Bats: L

Throws: L

Born: Jun 13, 1989

WYLD STALLYNS!

Lineups (courtesy FSN's Tyler Mason):

Twins

Span CF

Revere RF

Mauer C

Yes Pig DH

Mountie 1B

Dozier SS

Plouffe LF

Casilla 2B

Carroll 3B

Tigers

Berry CF

Dirks LF

Miggy 3B

Fielder 1B

Delmon DH

Boesch RF

Peralta SS

Avila C

Raburn 2B

Enjoy the game, everybody.

There was a fair amount of turnover on the Twins roster in the off-season. Six weeks into the season, the upheaval just keeps on upheaving (not a word). Even those who obsessively follow the Twins and their minor-league affiliates could be forgiven for tuning into a game and going, "What? Who?" Twinkie Town, as always, is here to help, with these interesting bits of info on the new members of your favorite baseball team.

P.J. Walters

#39 / Pitcher / Minnesota Twins

Height: 6-4

Weight: 215

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Mar 12, 1985

DID YOU KNOW? Walters is the first adult to go by P.J. since the actress P.J. Soles (Stripes, Rock 'n Roll High School).

Cole DeVries

#38 / Pitcher / Minnesota Twins

Height: 6-2

Weight: 180

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Feb 12, 1985

DID YOU KNOW? DeVries, an Eden Prairie native, wrote what is considered the definitive history of Eden Prairie Center ("The Baskin-Robbins Only Had 22 Flavors, and Three of Them Were Vanilla") as his college thesis, and knows the secret handshake that will get you a free pair of khakis at the Gap.

Erik Komatsu

#25 / Right Field / Minnesota Twins

Height: 5-10

Weight: 175

Bats: L

Throws: L

Born: Oct 01, 1987

DID YOU KNOW? You may know that Komatsu's Twitter handle, @Komobeatz, refers to his side project of crafting hip-hop/electronic instrumentals. But you probably didn't know that his other Twitter handle, @Komocheez, is all about his true love: taking Instagram pictures of Cheez Whiz cheese product.

Scott Diamond

#58 / Pitcher / Minnesota Twins

Height: 6-3

Weight: 190

Bats: L

Throws: L

Born: Jul 30, 1986

DID YOU KNOW? Diamond doesn't consider the Laff-A-Lympics to be a part of the Scooby Doo canon. Don't even ask him about the Scrappy Doo episodes. He'll just get up and walk away.

Jeff Gray

#60 / Pitcher / Minnesota Twins

Height: 6-3

Weight: 195

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Nov 19, 1981

DID YOU KNOW? He's not real. You can't prove it, and neither can I. He's probably Anthony Slama, and this is how he was finally able to get another shot in the bigs.

Darin Mastroianni

#19 / Left Field / Minnesota Twins

Height: 5-11

Weight: 190

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Aug 26, 1985

DID YOU KNOW? His error on Wednesday night was deemed an 8 on the 1-10 Scale of Absolute Delmons, with 1 being only barely Delmon-esque, and 10 being an error that results in a game-winning RBI, mascot-on-mascot violence, and post-game anti-Semitic slurs.

Jared Burton

#61 / Pitcher / Minnesota Twins

Height: 6-5

Weight: 225

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Jun 02, 1981

DID YOU KNOW? His beard's debut album, Skyline Chili, was called "a harrowing journey into the depths of a human soul, and a nice discussion of facing National League vs. American League hitters" by Rolling Stone. The single, "Pine Tar Brown (Song for Joey Votto)," reached #37 on Billboard's Heatseekers chart.

Scott Diamond came to the plate with the bases loaded in the sixth inning. It's a testament to how startlingly effective he's been that I was somewhat surprised when Diamond, an American League pitcher, struck out.

It was one of a few hiccups for the Twins starter, who still improved his record to 3-0 in the Twins' 11-3 blowout victory over Milwaukee.

The Twins got off to a quick start against Brewers starter Marco Estrada. Denard Span stroked a leadoff double, and after a couple long fly ball outs, Josh Willingham killed a hanging curve to give the Twins an early 2-0 lead.

The Brewers got a run back in the bottom of the inning, ending Diamond's scoreless innings streak at 14. They evened the score in the 4th on back-to-back doubles to start the inning, but were unable to push any more runs across.

Minnesota chased Estrada in 5th, when Diamond (BASEBALL CLICHE COMIN') helped his own cause with a single, Span singled, and, with two outs, the slumping Joe Mauer drilled a ball down by his ankles to left-center for a double, scoring both runners.

The Twins extended their lead the following inning against Brewers reliever Manny Parra. Despite Diamond's strikeout, Span collected his third hit of the game, a two-out, two-run single that ended Parra's night. The Brewers got one back in the bottom of the inning, when Ryan Braun obliterated a Diamond breaking ball to deep, deep center. After a double by Jonathan Lucroy, Diamond's night was done, and Anthony Swarzak came in and snuffed out the rally.

A Justin Morneau sacrifice fly in the 7th made the score 7-3. After a 1-2-3 inning from Swarzak, the recently recalled Ben Revere, pinch-hitting for Swarzak, laced a triple into the right field corner. Span followed that with his fourth hit, a bloop single, and after a solid single from Brian Dozier, Mauer hit his second double of the night to make it 9-3. Willingham struck out, then Morneau collected his second and third RBI with a soft oppo single to left. Alex Burnett and Francisco Liriano closed out the game. 11-3, Twins.

Studs: everyone except for...

Duds: Jamey Carroll and Trevor Plouffe, the only Twins starters to not get a hit. And Liriano, who loaded the bases and kept me from posting this for about 15 minutes longer than it needed to. For god's sake, Frankie.

Superstuds: special recognition is needed for the yard work of Span, Mauer, Willingham and Morneau this evening. 11 hits, 11 RBI, 7 runs.

JESUS DO I MISS GAMES LIKE THIS LET'S HAVE MORE OF THESE OKAY THANKS GUYS.

Enjoy your weekend, everybody.

First Pitch: 7:10pm CDT
TV: FSN
Radio: 1500 ESPN
Know Thine Enemy: Brew Crew Ball

A three-game road winning streak seems like too much to ask for. Still, let's ask for it.

Heavers:

Scott Diamond

#58 / Pitcher / Minnesota Twins

Height: 6-3

Weight: 190

Bats: L

Throws: L

Born: Jul 30, 1986

The staff ace by default has not allowed a run this year. He goes for this third win in as many starts. Is this as weird to read as it is to type?

Marco Estrada

#41 / Pitcher / Milwaukee Brewers

Height: 6-0

Weight: 180

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Jul 05, 1983

Has an 0-2 record and a 4.20 ERA to impress potheads.

Yard-leavers:

Twins (courtesy LEN3):

Span

Dozier

Mauer

Willingham

Morneau

Plouffe

Casilla

Carroll

Diamond

Brewers:

TBA

Notes:

• In his appearance on 1500ESPN this afternoon, Ron Gardenhire hinted that Sweet Drew Butera might get the nod this evening while either Mauer or Morneau got some rest. He changed his mind, but it's fair to guess that will happen at some point this weekend.

• He also noted that Ryan Doumit could be back by Tuesday. Per Rhett Bollinger, Doumit is available to pinch hit this weekend.

• Half my Twitter feed is at the game tonight. Have fun, drive friendly.

Enjoy the game, everybody.

Even with the surprise emergence of Scott Diamond and P.J. Walters, the Twins starting rotation is a godawful mess. Everyone is hurt, incompetent or both at the same time. Compounding the problem is that there really isn't much on the farm to help out. And with many of the team's tradable assets at a low value due to performance, unmovable contracts or injuries, dealing with another team isn't happening until the trade deadline nears. That leaves unsigned free agents. It's highly unlikely that the Twins will be able to land Roy Oswalt, but there are other, less high-profile arms out there. Twinkie Town takes a look at these other options. Desperate times, people.

• Glenn "The Malefactor" Thurm. Thurm, 29, is a right-handed finesse pitcher currently serving consecutive life sentences at the Tamms Correctional Center in Tamms, Ill. Thurm, who was given his nickname by local media due to his brutal exsanguinations of drifters, street punks and hobos, changes speeds and pounds strikes in the Tamms Correctional Center (TCC) rec league. Currently riding a 6-game winning streak, which ties the TCC record held by Brad Elster, a convicted pederast/knuckleballer who set that mark in 1995 before being shivved in a riot. "Thurm has the make-up that fits the Twins' philosophy," said one scout. "But getting him out on parole seems unlikely, especially since he ate his last public defender."
• Gustav, the Baseball-Kicking Mule. Gustav, a direct descendent of former California Atoms placekicker Gus, the Football-Kicking Mule, is known as a fireballer who, as his name implies, kicks the ball towards home plate. The 7-year-old grey mule is a classic one-pitch pitcher, as his lack of anything resembling hands makes a non-fastball nearly impossible. He's been clocked at 99 mph, but has issues with wildness, pooping and rutting. The Twins are said to be in touch with Yankees officials to see how they dealt with David Wells.
• Bernie Lomax. Lomax, the titular star of the 1989 comedy Weekend at Bernie's, is the deceased boss of Larry and Richard, who have to pretend he's alive through a series of over-the-top comic set pieces. Can they manipulate his slowly degenerating body through a major league season? "Let's just put it this way," said one team source. "We're watching how the Rockies handle Jamie Moyer very closely."
• Captain Baseball Pitcher. This is actually a fictional character that a young Joe Mauer created for an art class in grade school. As the drawing that still hangs on the Mauer family's refrigerator indicates, Captain Baseball Pitcher is roughly 8 feet tall, and has a cape, a red, white and blue glove, and a spaceship. His pitched balls emit rainbows and stars as they travel towards home plate. Although a work of fiction, a club source says that Mauer is pushing for the team to dress up one of their old players as Captain Baseball Pitcher because, quote, "It would be neat." The source says the team has gone so far as to reach out to former Twin Juan Rincon about his cape size.

It wasn't pretty, but when a loss would put your winning percentage at .250 going into Mother's Day weekend, you will take what you can get. Thanks to some horrible pitching from the Blue Jays, timely hitting from a former Blue Jay and more (mostly) excellent work from the bullpen, the Twins emerged triumphant in the wee small hours of Saturday morning by a score of 7-6.

After a first-inning solo dong by Jose Bautista, the Twins rallied in the bottom of the frame thanks to some wildness from Toronto starter Kyle Drabek, who walked the bases full. Ryan Doumit lined a single to center to put the Twins ahead 2-1. Drabek continued to labor and put runners into scoring position, but Minnesota, as per their 2012 so far, was unable to push those runners across. How badly did he labor? He threw 50 to get the game's first four outs.

With the game tied 2-2, Denard Span drilled a double off the limestone in right to lead off the 5th, and after retiring Brian Dozier, the Jays finally removed Drabek from the game. Fortunately for the Twins, reliever Carlos Villanueva had an equally hard time with his control, and they finally capitalized. After a Joe Mauer walk, Josh Willingham blooped an opposite-field double to plate Span. Doumit was intentionally walked to load the bases, and with two outs, Villanueva walked Chris Parmelee to make the score 4-2. Rather than politely stop scoring, the Twins extended the inning thanks to a diamond cutter (baseball term) by former Blue Jay Darin Mastroianni to make the score 6-2.

Nick Blackburn, given some breathing room and on the verge of a quality start, proceeded to throw one right down the middle to Jose Bautista, who hit a line drive home run so hard that it probably killed a guy in the bleachers. After walking Edwin Encarnacion, he threw another gopher ball to Eric Thames, who hit it where the trees used to be. With the score 6-5, that would be it for Blackburn, who prior to the 6th was almost startlingly adequate, but five ER in five innings is still hot garbage.

After that, it was up to the bullpen and Mastroianni. Alex Burnett got them out of the 6th. Jared Burton and his beard pitched a 1-2-3 7th. Mastroianni lined a single to score his third RBI and make the score 7-5, which was good, since Glen Perkins came in and immediately gave up a home run to Encarnacion, then back-to-back singles. A nice double play initiated by Chris Parmelee and a diving catch by Willingham got them out of the 8th with a 1-run lead. Matt Capps, with a runner on third, got Bautista (!) to pop to third and end the game.

Studs: Mastroianni, Burton, Parmelee (that double play was huge), Doumit, Willingham

Duds: Blackburn, Drabek, Villanueva

Enjoy your weekend, everybody.

First Pitch: 7:10pm CDT
TV: FSN
Radio: 1500 ESPN
Know Thine Enemy: Bluebird Banter

Taking bets as to what awful thing will befall the Twins this evening. I think either a 5-HR game from an un-retired Kelly Gruber or a mass leprosy outbreak on the Budweiser Party Deck. Hell, probably both.

Heavers:

Nick Blackburn

#53 / Pitcher / Minnesota Twins

Height: 6-4

Weight: 240

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Feb 24, 1982

Per Joe C., Nick Blackburn has a 13-game winless streak. While the "win" statistic can be misleading, I think we can all agree that in Nick's case, it accurately reflects his effectiveness. AND HE'S STILL NOT THE WORST STARTING PITCHER ON THE TEAM.

Kyle Drabek

#4 / Pitcher / Toronto Blue Jays

Height: 6-1

Weight: 220

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Dec 08, 1987

Hey, Doug Drabek's kid! DID YOU KNOW: If Craig Grebeck had a daughter named Rebecca, and she married Kyle Drabek, and you were on a nickname-basis with her, and you were trying to get her attention from across a crowded bar, you could yell, "Hey, Beck Drabek-Grebeck!" That would be something you could do.

I think he throws a curveball.

Yard Leavers (courtesy Joe C.):

Twins

1. Denard Span, CF
2. Brian Dozier, SS
3. Joe Mauer, C
4. Josh Willingham, LF
5. Ryan Doumit, DH
6. Trevor Plouffe, 3B
7. Chris Parmelee, 1B
8. Darin Mastroianni, RF
9. Jamey Carroll, 2B

Blue Jays

TBA

Notes:

• Per KSTP'S Doogie "Darren" Wolfson, there's a good chance of a players-only meeting taking place "real soon." I would hope they'll broach of the subjects of starting pitching, hitting, and fielding, and how to do all three much, much better.
  

Enjoy the game, everybody.

The Minnesota Twins, desperate for starting pitching due to injury and ineffectiveness, announced Thursday that they have added a JUGS Curveball Pitching Machine to their 40-man roster, and that it will make its Twins debut as the starter at Target Field on Sunday.

"We like to say 'next man up' around here," said Twins GM Terry Ryan. "Unfortunately, for one reason or another, the men weren't stepping up, so I guess it's 'next machine up,' if you will."

The machine can change speeds from 20 to 104 mph and, according to Twins broadcaster and legendary curveball pitcher Bert Blyleven, has an impressive curve of its own. "You notice that it just drops off the table as it moves through the strike zone," said the Hall of Famer. "JUGS doesn't get too far out in front of itself and maintains that downward plane, which is so important for a young machine."

The move, which some are calling unprecedented and, per Twins Daily's John Bonnes, a "harbinger of a bleak, dystopian, robot-led future that will see us all dead or enslaved," is being allowed by Major League Baseball after it was pointed out to Commissioner Bud Selig that the Pittsburgh Pirates have used a pitching machine as their fourth starter since 1998.

The machine retails for $2,199, but Ryan said that, with attendance down at Target Field, they purchased one off of the internet auction site eBay. "Honestly, we would have made this move last week, but we got sniped at the last minute on a really nice one by a 'HanShotFirst777.' We turned our attention to this one pretty quickly and were fortunate to get it at a reasonable price."

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said he likes what he's seen from JUGS both on and off the field. "It just goes out there and handles its business, throws it over the plate, lets our guys make plays and gets them back in the dugout," said Gardenhire. "Juggy's been great in the clubhouse, too. We just load it up with Silver Bullets after the game and it'll fire 'em out nice and easy to the boys."

Ryan said no more moves are imminent, but if JUGS works out and another starter struggles or gets dinged up? "Well, I know Lew (Ford, former Twins outfielder) is still in touch with some of the guys here, and he swears he has a modified Roomba that can hit the upper '90s and miss bats. We have to keep our options open."

Matt Maloney was designated for assignment to make room for JUGS. Sources say he is re-evaluating his life choices.

With the bases loaded, one out and the Twins desperate to finally cash in on a scoring opportunity, Denard Span hit a one-hopper right back to the pitcher. Every Twins fan knew exactly what was going to happen next: an easy double play to end the inning, and another pillow kicked/obscenity shouted/beer opened.

But sometimes, the other team has its own problems.

Seattle reliever Tom Wilhelmsen, who had walked the 8 and 9 hitters to load the bases, fielded Span's grounder, had his choice of double plays to start, and instead, for reasons that may never be known, threw it to the base that is between first and second, a base that only exists in Tom Wilhelmsenball. Everyone was safe, the Twins plated their first run since about Christmas, and scored two more runs on a Jamey Carroll fielder's choice and a Joe "Boo" Mauer infield single to take a 3-2 lead. The bullpen would breeze through the rest of the game, and the Twins would finally, FINALLY win another game.

The team's offensive slump is definitely not over. Mauer's infield single was sharply hit but benefitted from hitting the mound on its way up the middle, and Chris Parmelee's deep double to start the 7th-inning rally was the only impressive hit of the evening. But beggars cannot be choosers, and Seattle's bullpen gifting a game to the Twins is most welcome.

Prior to that, the Twins had managed to get a few runners on base against Mariners starter Jason Vargas, but, as as been the case of late, were unable to make him pay. Ryan Doumit, with runners on 2nd and 3rd in the 6th, popped up to end the inning, which did not help us forget his sketchy beard or his rec-league attempt at a Mike Carp (whose given name is Mike Carp) double that gave the Mariners a 2-0 lead.

Twins starter Carl Pavano did his Carl Pavano thing, but more effectively, no doubt aided by a Seattle lineup that is not going to make anyone forget Edgar Martinez or Ken Griffey, Jr. He cruised through the first four innings before giving up back-to-back doubles to lead off the 5th as the Mariners mounted their only significant rally of the night. He was done after six innings with just the two earned runs on eight hits. Brian Deunsing, Glen Perkins and Matt Capps each went three up/three down, striking out five and putting a nice bow on what could have been a very ugly game.

Studs:

• Parmelee
• The bullpen.
• Pavano
• Sweet Drew. He was his usual self at the plate, but did gun a runner down at 2nd on an attempted steal, so on the Butera Curve, he did alright.

No more Clete Thomas, no Komatsu in time for the game (per LaVelle), and Justin Morneau is not in the starting lineup.

Heavers:

Carl Pavano

#48 / Pitcher / Minnesota Twins

Height: 6-5

Weight: 250

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Jan 08, 1976

Staff ace Carl Pavano gets his personal catcher/suspected fake arsonist Drew Butera back this evening. So, there's that.

Jason Vargas

#24 / Seattle Mariners

Height: 6-0

Weight: 175

Born: Feb 02, 1983

The lefty was drafted by your Minnesota Twins in 2001, but opted to go to LSU instead. College man.

Lineups:

Twins (courtesy LaVelle):

1. Span

2. Carroll

3. Mauer

4. Yes Pig

5. Doumit

6. Valencia

7. Parmelee

8. Casilla

9. SWEET F&#*@!% DREW

That's a three-catcher lineup, guys. BRING IT ON.

Mariners: TBA

Notes:

• For those into idle speculation, Rochester PBP guy Josh Whetzel noted that Scott Diamond was pulled after pitching three scoreless innings this evening. 1500ESPN's Doogie "Darren" Wolfson further noted that Terry Ryan is at that game.
• No idea what Justin Morneau's status is for this evening or this weekend. I assume we'll find out soon enough.

I held off on writing anything for this morning's feature because I figured the Twins would be making a minimum of two roster moves for this weekend's series against the Seattle Mariners. Well, it's 8 AM Central Daylight Time on Friday, and all is quiet. So much for that.

The consensus seems to be that the Twins should ship Clete Thomas out and call up Ben Revere, and send Liam Hendriks back to Rochester and see what Scott Diamond can do in the rotation. It's hard to argue that either move will turn the season around, but it's also hard to argue that either move hasn't been earned.

Thomas, after impressing everyone with a long home run in his first game as a Twin, has been remarkable in his ability to strike out, including a run of 15 Ks in 18 ABs. Even Dave Kingman is impressed by that. While giving Ben Revere more time to develop in Triple-A is nice in theory, the stark fact is that the team is 6-18, Thomas can't hit anything, and Revere has the ability to run down fly balls and liners from a pitch-to-hard-HARD-contact staff, arm strength be damned.

As for Hendriks, he's looked overwhelmed in his last few starts, and caused the team to tax an already overworked bullpen. Meanwhile, prior to his most recent start, Diamond has posted excellent numbers at Rochester. Per Josh Whetzel (Red Wings PBP guy), Diamond's next scheduled start has been moved up to today, so if you want to read anything into that, go ahead.

If any moves are made today, we'll let you know.

He is going to allow between 3 and 5 earned runs. He is going to pitch 7 innings. He is far and away the most reliable Twins starting pitcher and gives them the best chance to win out of anyone in the rotation. This is how you get to 5-14.

This is Teaford's first start of 2012, as he is taking Danny Duffy's turn in the rotation. He has been romantically linked to country singer Sara Evans and Victoria's Secret model Lindsay Ellingson. The more you know.

Lineups (courtesy Joe C.):

Twins

1. Denard Span, CF
2. Jamey Carroll, SS
3. Joe Mauer, DH
4. Justin Morneau, 1B
5. Ryan Doumit, C
6. Danny Valencia, 3B
7. Trevor Plouffe, RF
8. Ben Revere LF
9. Alexi Casilla, 2B

Royals

1. Jarrod Dyson, CF
2. Alex Gordon, LF
3. Billy Butler, DH
4. Eric Hosmer, 1B
5. Jeff Francoeur, RF
6. Mike Moustakas, 3B
7. Yuniesky Betancourt, 2B
8. Brayan Pena, C
9. Alcides Escobar, SS

Mary Lisa Victor (sp?) has the recap this evening, as I have a dance competition to attend (not my own). Enjoy the game and your weekend, everybody.

Immediately following the game -- which marked the third time the Twins have been swept already this season -- pitching coach Rick Anderson gathered all 13 pitchers and both catchers for a 20-minute, closed-door meeting while manager Ron Gardenhire held his post-game press conference with the media.

--Phil Mackey,

1500ESPN.com

ANDERSON: Okay, guys, I think you know why we're doing this thing, right?

[Lots of muttered yeses and uh-huhs.]

ANDERSON: Starters: we can't keep running you out there and putting us in a hole like that. We're killing our bullpen guys, the innings are taking forever-did you see Plouffe fall asleep out there in right field? He just laid down on the grass and used his glove as a pillow. We can't have that happening again.

LIRIANO: I know, I'm sorry.

ANDERSON: Heck, Frankie, I know you're sorry, but that's just not good enough. You're our ace now with Bakes on the shelf, and I know you still have the stuff to do it, because your last bullpen session was a knockout. You were breaking off that slider like it was 2006, the fastball was popping, and then the Kleenex thing happened.

LIRIANO: Yeah, I know, I feel real bad about that.

ANDERSON: If you lose your shoes, you can't put Kleenex boxes on your feet to pitch in a major league baseball game. It's going to mess with your plant foot, your delivery, all that stuff. And then when the umpire walks out to the mound to tell you to put some shoes on, and you just sit down on the mound and stare into the middle distance? They scored it as a double balk, Frankie.

[LIRIANO sighs, sinks lower in his chair.]

ANDERSON: It's not even a real thing, Frankie. They had to make a stat up to deal with that. And you're still wearing the Kleenex boxes, for pete's sake.

LIRIANO: I don't know where my shoes are, Andy. I'm sorry.

ANDERSON: Have you looked in your locker?

LIRIANO: No.

ANDERSON: ...

LIRIANO: Oh, man, I bet that's where they are. That's a good idea, Andy.

[ANDERSON shakes his head, rubs his eyes.]

ANDERSON: Anyway, Jason and Blackie, I know you guys are coming back from some things, but you've just got to get better the next time out. We don't have any other options. Carl, you just keep going on with what you're doing, and Liam...

HENDRIKS: FRUIT SALAD! YUMMY YUMMY!

ANDERSON: Beg pardon?

HENDRIKS: Sorry, mate, I'm just polishin' up me Wiggles songs for when we sees ‘em next month. Love them Westies. FRUIT SALAD! YUMMY YUMMY!

MAUER: Hey, that's a great song. FRUIT SALAD!

HENDRIKS: YUMMY YUMMY!

MAUER: Heck, that's awesome. Me and mom watch it all the time. Should change my at-bat music.

ANDERSON: Anywho, guys, if I could continue, I-

MAUER: FRUIT SALAD!

HENDRIKS: YUMMY YUMMY!

MAUER: Haha, man, I love that. And it's true, guys. Fruit salad is really tasty. A lot of people don't give it its due, but gosh, in the summer, when you have some fruit salad and glass of the big white, that's livin' right there. Don't want to knock plain vanilla ice cream in a bowl, because that's not how I handle my business, but fruit salad can hang with it.

ANDERSON: Again, guys, we just have stick to the plan. Don't overthink it, just pitch how you know you can, and it'll turn itself around. It has to.

MAUER: And hey, guys, I know we all talk to the reporters, but I really don't want to read Joe Christensen saying that I was poop-mouthing vanilla ice cream. That stuff stays in this room, okay? My mom would be so T.O.-ed if she read that.

ANDERSON: Okay, I think we've cleared the air a bit here. Make them adjust to you, wear shoes on the mound, don't talk to the media about Joe and vanilla ice cream. Let's hit the showers and go home.

HENDRIKS: FRUIT SALAD!

It started off bad, got a little better, then went straight to hell. How bad? Both I and Twinkie Town's Jon Marthaler independently turned on the White Sox game for a spell, despite Hawk Harrelson.

Nick Blackburn, coming back from injury and at a pre-determined limit of 80-85 pitches, dug his team an immediate hole, giving up three runs in the first and generally looking like someone coming back from injury. Josh Beckett didn't look much better in the bottom of the first, with the Twins loading the bases and Beckett screaming at home plate umpire Adrian Johnson about balls and strikes (quote: "That's [redacted] five outs!" at the end of the inning. The Twins only managed to score one run, an impressive, 10-pitch, bases-loaded walk by Justin Morneau (Professional Hitter?). Until a Josh Willingham RBI double later in the game, it was the offensive highlight of the evening.

After that inning, Beckett settled down, with the aforementioned double providing the only other Twins run of the night, and he completed six innings. This was NOT the case for Nick Blackburn. The Twins starter got though the second without much difficulty, but had more trouble in the third, as David Ortiz hit a Thome-esque shot to right to increase Boston's lead to 5-1. Blackburn finished the third, but that was all for him.

Matt Maloney replaced Blackburn in the fourth, and that was all for the game, essentially. Boston hammered him for five more earned runs as he recorded just five outs. He was replaced by Tony Fiore 2012 candidate Jeff Gray who, while not victorious, pitched 2 and 1/3 scoreless innings. Congratulations on being the Twins' best pitcher on Tuesday night, Jeff. Alex Burnett finished the game and gave up the game's final run.

Finally: Nick Punto got an ovation. I don't even know at this point, you guys.

Studs: Gray, Morneau's first-inning at-bat, Willingham, most all of the Red Sox.

Duds: The Twins didn't get a leadoff man out until the 6th inning. Per FSN's Tyler Mason, the Twins' 5-9 hitters were 0-13 with 5 Ks through the first six innings. No pitching, no offense, no chance.

Enjoy your midweek, everybody.

Under fire for a litany of injuries that some say have been misdiagnosed, disregarded or missed entirely, the Twins have announced that they are making "significant changes from top to bottom," both in organizational philosophy and how they treat and respond to various ailments.

"We have a ton of faith in our medical staff and our trainers and how they do their job," said Twins GM Terry Ryan. "But sometimes in this business, perception becomes reality, and changes have to made. That's what we're doing today."

Among the immediate changes Ryan announced:

• The Twins clubhouse will no longer have a Tetanus Room. The Room, which was the only one of its kind in the major leagues, had a floor covered entirely in rusty nails, and was directly between the locker room and the showers. "I'll be honest, I don't know why we put that in in the first place," said Ryan. "Having our players walking barefoot through it every day seems like a misstep. The fact that it was adjacent to our Puncture Wound Annex really seemed to be begging for trouble."
• Trainers no longer using "rub some dirt on it" as the first response to all injuries. "We're a little old school around here," said Ryan. "It's how a lot of us were raised, and I still think there's value to that. But there comes a time when you have to avail yourself of some of the technology that's out there." Ryan made clear that the dirt in question was not metaphorical, but actual dirt. "We had it shipped in from out-of-state," said Ryan. "I think Billy (Smith, former Twins GM) cut a deal with someone. I don't know why there were so many hypodermic needles in it, and I darn sure don't know why it glowed all the time."
• The medical staff will now keep their instruments in a sterile environment. "Again, this seems like one of those minor tweaks, not a wholesale change," Ryan emphasized. "We're just moving them to their own, clean room. Storing them in a burlap sack with old meat and lighters may seem sub-optimal, but they were refrigerated at all times."
• The Twins are now having a sanitation service pick up the garbage from the clubhouse area twice per week, as opposed to twice per year. "It's an expense, to be sure, but one we felt was worth the investment. It would get pretty cluttered in there. Tight quarters. I've never seen flies that size. One of them carried Alexi Casilla all the way to JD Hoyt's."
• Twins pitcher Carl Pavano will no longer be able to raise alpacas the locker room. "We talked with Carl a good, long time about this. He was an investor in a farm that raised those creatures, the recession hit, the farm went under, and Carl was stuck with these buggers. He didn't have anywhere else to put ‘em, so here they are. The dung issues have just become insurmountable. He understands that. We're helping him find them a home."
• The team also announced they are discontinuing Chainsaw Fight! Mondays in the clubhouse. "You don't want to know," said Ryan, who shook his head and moaned when asked for details, but did confirm the exclamation point.

On a cold, blustery, occasionally damp evening, the Twins were able to muster the first run of the game for the first time this season. And that was the highlight of the game.

Rangers starter Matt Harrison pitched 8 strong innings, while his teammates were able to bat around in the 4th against Twins' de facto ace Anthony Swarzak, sending Minnesota to a 4-1 defeat.

The Twins got off to a promising start against Harrison, with Danny Valencia's sacrifice fly in the 2nd staking them to a 1-0 lead. The Twins were unable to add to the rally despite a double by Trevor Plouffe, and that was as much of a threat as they would pose until the bottom of the 9th.

The Rangers pushed past the Twins in the 4th, stringing together four consecutive singles to take a 2-1 lead. After a Luke Hughes error extended the inning, they added a third run.

Swarzak was otherwise steady, with the exception of an Ian Kinsler solo dong in the 7th that gave the Rangers their final run. No walks, seven innings, four earned runs. It's not vintage Johan Santana, but it's the kind of start that the Twins will likely need to capitalize on this season.

With the Rangers up three in the 9th, they surprisingly left their new closer, former Twin Joe Nathan, on the bench, and went with Alexi Ogando instead. Ogando immediately gave up a couple hits and brought the tying run to the plate, but settled down and ended the game without further drama.

Studs

Harrison

Swarzak (grading on Twins starting pitcher curve)

Jared Burton and Matt Maloney. Both pitched 1-2-3 innings. Yay anonymous bullpen guys!

Josh Willingham. Extended his hitting streak to 7 games.

Duds

Luke Hughes. Second game in a row he's had issues fielding his position. This is going to prove unpopular with Ron Gardenhire, if I had to reckon.

M & M Boys. Mauer another GIDP in the 8th; Morneau 0-for-4.

Day game Saturday, s'posed to be beautiful. You should get tickets and go rather than read about it on the internet. Enjoy your weekend everybody.

We now have a week's worth of games from which to draw wildly premature conclusions about this Minnesota Twins team and the expectations we had for them entering the season. Let's revisit them and look ahead to the unknowable, terrifying FUTURE:

• Preseason take: they're going to be better on offense than last year. Small sample size says: INCONCLUSIVE. As of Wednesday afternoon, this was dead wrong. 6 runs in 4 games and an overall anemic attack by every non-Josh Willingham position player was leading to much agitation. 24 hours later, everything is hunky dory. Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau providing crucial home runs at Target Field, Denard Span getting four hits in a game, Willingham continuing to stroke dongs, Jamey Carroll getting game-winning RBI...it's like a dream, man. It's also hard to say if these two games are more representative of what to expect for the rest of the season than the first four. My best guess: expect better than the 0-4 start. Don't expect them to erase 6-0 deficits against really good pitchers on the regular.
• Preseason take: the starting pitchers are going to cause Ron Gardenhire more grief than being stuck in an elevator with Orlando Hudson. Small sample size says: PRETTY MUCH, GUYS. The guy with the second-best stuff on the staff is already done for the year. The guy with the best stuff put the Twins in that 6-0 hole yesterday and wasn't markedly better in his first start. Carl Pavano has been what he is, eating innings and giving up 4-5 runs per game. Anthony Swarzak can lay claim to the best start by any of the Twins pitchers this year, and he was the 7th man in the rotation at the time. Liam Hendriks and Jason Marquis haven't pitched yet due to circumstances beyond their control. The last two games have been great for the team and the fans, but the starting pitching is, in a word, terrible. I have very little optimism that it'll get better. Again: the offense will need to carry this team. When they don't, expect more four-game losing streaks.
  
• Preseason take: the bullpen, outside of Glen Perkins, is even more troubling than the starters. Small sample size says: RIGHT AND SURPRISINGLY WRONG. In his biggest spot of the season so far, Glen Perkins was a dirty, dirty man, making Albert Pujols flail and absolutely looking like the closer-in-waiting. HOWEVER, Matt Capps is 2-for-2 in save situations, and the fact that they were both dicey really weren't his fault. On Wednesday, Denard Span was responsible for Torii Hunter taking second on a lazy single to center and getting into scoring position. On Thursday, a grounder off the second-base bag, plus a Luke Hughes double-clutch and blown call at first on a gimme double play, helped draw the Angels within a run. Neither of these things were on Capps, who pitched around these issues. Also of note: he's hitting 93 on the gun and, per dickandbert, is keeping the ball "down in the zone." As for the rest: Jeff Gray has two wins on three pitches, which is the smoking gun on the validity of the "win" metric. And Alex Burnett, who was wretched in spring training and only came north because there were absolutely no other options, was outstanding yesterday and has pitched four scoreless innings. Is all of this sustainable? Outside of Perkins, I have my doubts. But it is heartening.
  

(NOTE: Jon wrote something about this, too. Read it below, since he said the same things I did, but better.)

As you've no doubt heard by now, Scott Baker is done for the season. He will be having surgery on the flexor pronator tendon in his pitching elbow, with a slated recovery time of six months. So, no, he will not be able to "go out there and push through" this particular issue. Oy.

Three things to discuss:

1. The Twins have a club option of $9.25 million on Baker for 2013. There is no way in hell they will pick that option up. We may have seen the last of Scott Baker in a Twins uniform unless he comes back at a significantly reduced price.
2. The rotation going forward, as best we can tell, has LIam Hendriks taking Baker's spot in the rotation on Sunday and into the future. Multiple sources indicate that Jason Marquis will join the team after another minor-league start on Thursday, meaning in all likelihood that Anthony Swarzak moves back to the bullpen after his start this Friday. As for 2013, well, there's another place to put Kyle Gibson now.
3. The Twins seemed to go out of their way to publicly goad Baker into throwing through this latest setback. This leaves them with a not insignificant amount of egg on the face.

The much-heralded newer, better Twins lineup closed out their pretend game season on a very strong note, with crooked numbers and impressive home runs dotting the landscape. The real games started on Friday afternoon, and the lineup was exactly as good as it was last year for the first 8 innings, scoring zero runs and scratching out four hits against Jake Arrieta and the Baltimore bullpen. The offense finally came alive in the 9th, with Josh Willingham belting a 2-run dinger to make halve the Orioles' lead and make it interesting. The Twins were able to get the go-ahead run to the plate, but Trevor Plouffe tapped out to J.J. Hardy to end the game and give Baltimore a 4-2 victory.

Arrieta certainly merited his Opening Day starter status by going 7 innings, allowing just 2 hits, striking out 4 and just making really good pitches a lot (baseball term).

As far as the Minnesota's pitching, Carl Pavano was exactly what we've come to expect: made a first-inning mistake to Nick Markakis, whose 2-run homer staked Baltimore to a 2-0 lead, then gave the Twins seven acceptable innings of his own. Ryan Doumit Delmon'd a deep fly in the late-afternoon Baltimore murder sun to extend the lead to 4-0, but the run was charged to Pavano (4 ER, 1 K, 2 BB). As noted by multiple Twittererers, Arietta was hitting the mid-'90s all game. Pavano never got above 87 mph.

Jeff Gray entered the game in the 8th and was dreadful, but Brian Deunsing cleaned up his mess and allowed for the 9th to at least be a bit suspenseful.

STUDS:

• Willingham. In addition to his impressive dong, had a very nice outfield assist to Joe Mauer at home in the fifth.
• Jamey Carroll. Made at least three plays at short that I don't think any of the shortstops the Twins had in 2011 would have made.
• The Streaker. A fan stormed the field in the early inning while wearing a cape. The cape moves him from Dud to Stud as Twinkie Town endorses flair in their misdemeanor crimes.

It's Opening Day. Game thread posts in an hour. OPENING DAY.

Scott Baker made a rehab start for the Fort Myers Miracle last night, in the hopes of rejoining the Twins in the next couple weeks. It now appears that this time frame is incredibly optimistic, and that Liam Hendriks is now a very critical part of the Twins' early-season plans.

Baker threw all of 11 pitches Thursday night, giving up a single and a double before getting pulled.

Quote from Terry Ryan, courtesy Joe C.:

"Baker just didn't feel right tonight," Twins GM Terry Ryan said in an e-mail. "He couldn't seem to get loose on the mound and instead of pushing the envelope, we decided we would go get him out of the game. We will evaluate him again [Friday]."

Quote from Miracle manager Jake Mauer Chevrolet, courtesy David Dorsey:

"He couldn't get loose," Miracle manager Jake Mauer said. "I don't know if it's the elbow, the body or what.

The radar guns were 80 to 84 or whatever the heck it was. He wasn't comfortable at all"

And that's all we know right now. The most optimistic scenarios for this Twins team are predicated on a healthy and productive Scott Baker (in addition to Mauer, Morneau, Liriano, et. al.). This is unhelpful at best. More info as it becomes available.