As we noted in this space last week, ratings for Adjective SURVIVOR!, our annual method of passing the interminable college basketball offseason, dropped to all-time low with the recently-completed Crotchety Tim Higgins edition of the program. Consequently, the network executives put us on Dan Harmon-style notice: boost the ratings in Season Three, they said, or suffer the consequences.

Let's go big or go home, then. ASSEMBLE THE TRIBES.

Yep: our target for this season's edition of Adjective SURVIVOR! is Scourge of the Living and Kitten Blood Enthusiast (and Wisconsin Badgers men's basketball coach, if we're being technical about his resume) Bo Ryan.

Here's your refresher on how we play Adjective SURVIVOR!, if you need refreshin'.

And here's what I need from you, before we start the contest in earnest next week: suggestions for the list of 10 adjectives we'll choose from. Leave 'em in the comments, if you please.

See you in hell.

This morning, ESPN's Andy Katz confirmed what Anonymous Eagle first reported* on Monday: Marquette and Ohio State are trying to set up a game that would be played on the deck of the USS Yorktown in Charleston, South Carolina, on November 9, 2012:

The game would be organized by Morale Entertainment, the same group that set up the USS Carl Vinson game on 11-11-11 between North Carolina and Michigan State.

* What? You don't consider the Admiral's: "Now I've heard rumblings of another game against a big time power conference opponent. Not sure if it's a home & home series or just a one off" line from Monday's Coffee to be an official report on this game? What are you, the Poynter Institute? I'm counting it. WE BROKE THIS STORY. I DEMAND ATTRIBUTION AND TRIBUTE AND A COLLECTION OF YOUR FINEST MEATS AND CHEESES.

Hit the jump and we'll discuss the confirmation of the confirmation of our initial report!

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[Rubie sez: This post originally ran at Quevedo at the Buffet two years ago. With the announcement that Crotchety Tim Higgins is taking his talents to Del Boca Vista, I figured this was a fitting opportunity to run it again. Miss u, Tim.]

The Admiral sent over this link to an ESPN.com "all access" piece featuring your favorite morbidly obese leprechaun, Tim Higgins. Being the masochist that I am, I read the whole thing.

Friends, my feelings on officials are well known. If you're new to the site (and, if you are, you must be really bored at work, 'cuz this site shouldn't be any higher than 130 on your bookmarks bar), here's a post that serves as a primer. If you don't have time to read it, I'll sum up: I think officiating in college basketball is a joke, and Tim Higgins is at the top of my list of jokesters.

So when Dana O'Neil attempts to paint Not-So-Tiny Tim in a positive light, I'm compelled to respond, in poor facsimile of Fire Joe Morgan:

The brokenhearted Syracuse fan needed a place to vent his rage, and the man in zebra stripes provided the perfect target. ... [T]hey will remember one call: the intentional foul Higgins whistled on Kris Joseph with 18 seconds left and Syracuse down two.

In the minds of the 31,053, that play decided the game.

Let's be fair: that call did decide the game, in the minds of everyone but Tim Higgins. Yes, 'Cuse missed a ton of shots, and, yes, they blew an 11-point lead at home, and, yes, their best player couldn't hit water from a boat, but none of that absolves the referee from doing his f***ing job, especially on a play that happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

But we'll get back to that in a minute.

Hit the jump for more hijinks with Higgins.

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After a yearlong journey, we've finally finished the Wonder Twins edition of Adjective Survivor, and Drunken Hobbit Jim Burr's hetero life partner, Tim Higgins, has an adjective all his own at long last:

Let me be first to welcome Crotchety Tim Higgins to Anonymous Eagle. Unfortunately for both of us, I think we'll be seeing a lot of each other as the years go by.

UPDATE! No, we won't: Tim Higgins is retiring.

And so ends Season Two Point Five of Adjective Survivor, which the critics universally panned as the worst season yet. (One reviewer simply wrote two words to describe the Wonder Twins edition: "Shit sandwich.") We've heard your message loud and clear, kids: y'all are sick of assigning adjectives to referees. In Season 3, it's time to inject some desperately-overdue life into this once-proud franchise.

Next week, we pull out the big guns.

Today marks the end of Marquette University's spring semester. And, if you're inclined to believe some recent (and semi-hysterical) message board musings,* it could also serve as the end of the line for certain members of the Marquette basketball team. If memory serves, at last count, roughly 80% of the roster was rumored to be leaving/on the verge of being forced off the team, with the reasons for the impending departure(s) ranging from the simple (homesickness, lack of PT, etc) to the conspiratorial (Marquette jacking its academic requirements to Ivy League-level standards and retroactively enforcing those standards on the current players).

We assembled the Anonymous Eagle Bureau of Nonsensical Investigations to perform its standard half-assed inquiry into whether these rumors have any legs. We know Aaron Durley's not coming, and we know Jamail Jones won't be coming back, but what else can we expect?

After the jump: we read the Twitter tea leaves for warning signs.

* While we're on the topic, permit me a moment off semi-tangential ranting: in the last month, the Marquette message boards have been polluted with posters talking about what they've heard -- about Buzz leaving for SMU, about kids transferring, about kids coming into the program -- from their "sources." That word -- "sources" -- is being used far, far too often nowadays, and, in my opinion, it's being used inaccurately most of the time. Woodward and Bernstein had sources. You, Generic Marquette Basketball Fan, do not have sources, much like I don't have sources. You and I have things we've heard from other fans who heard something from other fans who heard something from someone who used to work for the athletic department. You and I have whispers passed down through an obscenely long game of telephone. So, if you see me looking skeptical when you're telling me what your sources have told you, you understand why.

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We've reached the final destination.

We're down to the last two adjectives in our quest to find THE perfect word to describe the incomparably incompetent Tim Higgins, who last made a correct charge-block call in 1989. In the last round of voting, SHAMBOLIC was tossed from the ship, and though I must confess some personal disappointment in that decision, I, as always, abide by the will of the people.

Here's what we're left with:

CROTCHETY (crotch·et·y) [kroch-i-tee] adj. Given to odd notions, whims, grouchiness, etc.

FARCICAL (far·ci·cal) [fahr-si-kuhl] adj. Resembling farce; ludicrous; absurd.

The task before you is a significant one, friends: henceforth and forevermore, whichever word emerges as the victor must precede a mention of Tim Higgins on Anonymous Eagle. Try 'em both on for size, walk around for a little bit, ask your friends, neighbors, and congressional representatives. But choose carefully.

As per usual: in the final round of voting in Adjective SURVIVOR, we change the rules of the game: instead of voting for the adjective you want off the island, you vote for the one you want to win.

Clear?

Just in case you're struggling with the concept:

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE.

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE.

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE.

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE.

Got it? Cool. Take us home, Europe.

Rubie sez: having satisfied myself that my proposal below doesn't appear to run afoul of any NCAA rules, and having inserted enough weasel language to protect myself in case it IS an NCAA violation, let's continue our series of posts on how NCAA student-athletes can better protect their own interests.

On Monday, we addressed one of the first things a student-athlete can do to level the playing field with his future employer school: don't sign a National Letter of Intent. Today's issue is semi-related: leaving the school on your terms, or at least something resembling your terms, or at least something not resembling the hideously unfair terms that college coaches are currently free to impose.

As they're currently written, NCAA rules gives coaches and schools tremendous power to limit the potential destinations of a player who wants to leave the program. Transfer restrictions are born of the NCAA rule that mandates that a transferring player must obtain a permission-to-contact letter from his old school for any new schools he wants to talk to. The issue: there are precious few guidelines curbing the school's/coach's/AD's discretion in granting (or denying) permission to contact, and if permission isn't granted, the kid is largely left SOL:

If your current school does not give you written permission-to-contact, another school cannot contact you and encourage you to transfer. This does not preclude you from transferring; however, if the new school is in Division I or II, you cannot receive an athletics scholarship until you have attended the new school for one academic year.

This spring, we've seen example after example of the potential for abuse provided by this power, and the NCAA doesn't seem to be in any particular rush to remedy the issue; witness yesterday's heinous screw-job of Florida International's Dominque Ferguson, who was left with no choice but to enter the NBA Draft after FIU refused to give any -- ANY -- schools permission to contact Ferguson after he informed the school he wanted to transfer.

If the NCAA isn't going to do anything about this issue, it's time for the "student-athletes" to start looking out for themselves.

What do you do about a problem like transfer restrictions? Let's get contractual, after the jump.

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Rubie sez: This was originally a much larger piece, but then I learned that the advice I was going to provide in the second half of my post was potentially a violation of NCAA rules. And I don't want anybody getting caught in that quagmire at my direction. Thus: while I wait to learn if I can run Part II, let's get to Part I.

In the last week, the State of Wisconsin has served as the stage for two of the grosser displays of the all-too-typical treatment given to NCAA "student-athletes" and recruits. First, there was the Jarrod Uthoff Transfer-Gate saga, which served as the latest example of the NCAA's bizarrely paternalistic "we're concerned with the welfare and well-being of our student-athletes, unless of course those student-athletes are trying to look out for their welfare and well-being on their own" credo.

Then, on Friday, came Marquette's seemingly annual contribution to the mess: 2012-'13 recruit Aaron Durley, who'd signed a National Letter of Intent to play at MU this fall, was "released" from that letter of intent and won't be joining the team after all. Of course, if you've been paying attention, you know that, in all likelihood, Aaron's "release" is a release in name only: whether it was done explicitly, implicitly, or otherwise, Durley's scholarship got yanked, and he'll have to scramble to find somewhere else to play ball next season.

For an organization that purports to extol the virtues of fair play and sportsmanship, the NCAA serves as host to one of the more unbalanced playing fields in America: the one-sided relationship between its member schools (and the head coaches and athletic directors of those schools) and its players, who enjoy precious little power in relation to the universities for whom they make mountains of money.

For whatever reason, I've reached Network levels of disgust with this arrangement, and I want to do whatever I can to help the kids take the power back. So: let's set the crosshairs today on Durley's situation, and figure out what can be done about this letter of intent nonsense.

Getting into the finer points of the LOI, after the jump.

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You might've heard that there's a bit of a dust-up happening with Bo Ryan's Wisconsin basketball team right now: highly-touted forward Jarrod Uthoff, the former Mr. Basketball in Iowa who voluntarily red-shirted (cough) last season and figured to have a significant role for Bucky in the 2012-'13 season, announced last week that he's leaving the program. Perhaps predictably, Bo seems to have reacted violently to Uthoff's decision: in addition to the standard prohibitions on Uthoff transferring to another Big Ten school or to Marquette, Bo has apparently decreed that Uthoff can't transfer to Iowa State or to a school -- any school -- in the ACC.

We dispatched the Anonymous Eagle Bureau of Nonsensical Investigations to get to the bottom of this imbroglio, and our crack team of crackpot sleuths managed to find the letter issued to Uthoff upon his exit from the program.

After the jump: what the AEBNI uncovered after an exhaustive investigation.

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Before we get to your weekly helping of nonsense and whimsy, give me a minute to address something that's actually important:

I'm handling the Coffee this week because Dan (better known to you as the Admiral, but I think he'll forgive me if I dispense with the anonymity this one time) is back in Nebraska. Late last week, Dan's mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor -- it appears to be benign, thank God, but Dan's mom needs to have a couple of operations, and Dan's gone back to stay with her and his family. The first surgery -- to cut off the blood supply to the tumor -- was a success, and today the doctors are going to begin the process of removing it.

Hence: a brief request from me: if you get a free moment today, send some positive energy towards Omaha. If you're the praying kind, please send one up for Dan's mom and Dan's family. If you're not, well wishes, good vibrations, and happy thoughts would be much appreciated, as well. Thanks.

Onto buisness:

If you didn't like Community last week -- a Ken Burns-style documentary of a pillow fight -- then I'm afraid we can't be friends. In fact, we might be mortal enemies.

The one of Mike from Monsters, Inc. was pretty good. The rest: meh.

Real recognize real: The Masters edition.

Dannnnnnnng: who ate Betty Draper?

I don't blame you, kids: I saw Donnie Darko. I'd be freaked out too, yo.

Looks like the folks that run Twitter got sick of the "WORK FROM HOME, MAKE $8000 PER HOUR" tweets too. We'll miss you most of all, Pr0n Bots.

Can I get a ruling on Anne Hathaway? Personally, I don't see it: saw Love and Other Drugs, and saw a LOT of Anne Hathaway. And it wasn't bad, but there's something about the face, you know? I think it's the really really big eyes and really really big mouth on the really really tiny face. Freaks me out. Let me know if I'm wrong.

This nice kid? The one who was in the soccer movie where she played a girl pretending to be a boy? Well, that's disappointing. The lesson, as always: taking a taxi (or hell, even a limo) is much, much cheaper than the DUI in the long run.

This upsets me. Freaking Fez.

Enough pop culture for this week; I need to talk about Bobby Petrino for a second. SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP: was that a story that mushroomed into insanity or what? Every time I looked up, things got worse: first dude had lied about being alone on the bike when he wrecked. Then it turns out his passenger was a 25-year-old bombshell ex-volleyball player. THEN -- to the surprise of no one -- it turns out they had an "inappropriate relationship." Then it turns out the bombshell was engaged to be married. THEN it turns out Bobby had hired the bombshell to work in the athletic department a couple weeks before. Good God, man: you don't need to kill your marriage AND get yourself fired AND subject your employer to a doozy of a lawsuit in the same week. Take 'em one at a time.

Marquette Basketball Links:

• Here's the print edition of CNN's story about Marquette basketball's commitment to academics, with some nice notes about Friend of Show Joe Fulce.
• DJO and Jae aren't going to play in the Portsmouth Invitational. Apparently, people think this is a mistake. M'self, I don't see what the big deal is; don't GMs put more stock in individual workouts than a college all-star game?
• Tom Enlund talked to the Bucks director of scouting about the pro prospects of Crowder and DJO.
• People keep wondering how Marquette is going to replace DJO and Jae in the scoring department next season. I don't think that's going to be an issue: between Mayo and Jamil and Davante and the Taylor kids, we'll get buckets. The defense is what I'm more concerned about.
• Welcome to the latest installment of Don Walker and the Non-Story That Wouldn't Die. Here's some free (and unsolicited) advice, Journal Sentinel: the next time you decide to start a series of stories based on piecemeal police reports, wait until all the reports are released and see whether there's actually a story there in the first place.
• The gang at Paint Touches is handing out its individual report cards for 2012-'13. So far, they've covered Davante Gardner, Jamail Jones, and Todd Mayo. As per usual, the kids are doing great work; if for no other reason, check out the reviews to see what Coach Aki Collins had to say about each of the players.
  
• MU recruits Duane Wilson and Deonte Burton played in the Swish 'N Dish Spring Warm-Up at Homestead High School this weekend. From the sounds of it, they looked good.

Random Music Video: It's April from Parks & Rec! ... Wait, what is April from Parks & Rec doing?

You mean to say we watched an entire college basketball season without picking an adjective to describe our favorite pot-bellied puddle of Jame-O, Tim Higgins? We went the whole year just calling him by his Christian name?

How'd you let us get away with that, dear reader(s)?

Anyway: this horse is gassed and ready. Let's ride 'er to the finish line so we can start a new edition, yeah?

In case you forgot what we're trying to accomplish here:

When we play Adjective SURVIVOR!, we start with a person, or team, or referee, or noun. We give you a list of ten adjectives that (arguably) describe that person, or team, or referee, or noun. Every week, we vote one of those descriptors off the island, until we arrive at the preferred adjective for said person / team / ref / noun. Henceforth, any reference to person / team / ref / noun on Anonymous Eagle will be preceded by that adjective.

In seasons past, the "winners" of Adjective SURVIVOR! have included Smarmy Tom Crean -- and boy, does THAT one look more appropriate with every passing day -- and Drunken Hobbit Jim Burr. This season, Tim Higgins is in our crosshairs.

Before we dropped the ball, we'd voted seven adjectives off the island -- including a thrilling episode where SHAMBOLIC and ITINERANT faced off in a 24-hour battle to the death. SHAMBOLIC emerged the victor, leaving these three contenders for the crown. Which adjective will be eliminated this week?

Happy voting.

It seems The Great Poop Tornado of 2012 has spun itself out, friends, as news -- if you can call it that -- broke last night that Buzz Williams won't be taking a job he never was going to take in the first place. As we survey the destruction, we pause to put back on our Sunday-best RUMORMONGERING gear and try to figure out:

via images.icanhascheezburger.com

Since we're in the business of rampant speculation, here's my half-baked take on what's transpired over the last 72 hours -- and, as always, bear in mind: I've got no sources, no inside information, and I probably never will. This is just one man's opinion.

In the last three days, Buzz Williams made one of the more fascinating power plays we've seen at Marquette: trying to leverage interest from a middling program with no sustained history of success into ... something. What that "something" was, I'm not exactly sure: maybe it was a ploy for more money, maybe it was an attempt to assert his place as Head Shotcaller in the athletic department -- I don't know. But I'm pretty sure it was a power play of some sort, for one reason and one reason alone:

BUZZ WILLIAMS IS A COLLEGE BASKETBALL COACH.

Despite the very nice things that people like Howie Magner write about him (and that's not a shot at Howie, who I think is an excellent writer and a very good reporter), Buzz is still a member of that remarkable group of people who have a near-sociopathic need to improve their lot whenever possible. I think of Buzz as the mother raptor in Jurassic Park, systematically testing the holding pen's electric fence for weak spots. Last year, for example, his name was connected to the openings at Texas A&M and Oklahoma and Arkansas, and he got a big pay hike and a rollover (read: lifetime) contract.

This year, SMU became the vehicle to push the envelope to new, previously-unexplored heights. Let's see what happens when my name gets attached to a job that's worlds worse than Marquette in almost every way (save for money, of course), and I tell Larry Williams that SMU wants permission to talk to me. This time, though, it didn't work: Larry Williams called Buzz's bluff, and said: "Sure, Buzz, have at it. We'll give you permission to talk to them. Good luck." (There may have also been a "LOL" in there from Larry's end. I don't feel comfortable speculating that far.)

And that was the end of that -- no boost in pay, no new contract, no bronze statue in Buzz's likeness erected outside the Al -- because, as Jeff Goodman pointed out immediately after the press release was issued, there was never a chance in hell that Buzz Williams was leaving Marquette for DePaul's soon-to-be basement-mate in the cellar of the Big East. When Buzz saw that Larry (and writing all these "Buzzes" and "Larrys" is making this sound like a bad rewrite for a Three Stooges movie) wasn't going to blink, the joint, "we're already looking forward to next year" statement was issued, and everybody retreated to their respective corners. Fin.

Yeah?

Or maybe not.

What do YOU think?

I think we've failed you, loyal reader(s).

In the last few days, there's been a veritable poop-tornado of intrigue, rumor, whisper, and speculation concerning the future of Marquette's basketball program and its for-now head coach, Buzz Williams. And, save for the Admiral's distressingly level-headed take yesterday morning, we've contributed nothing to the maelstrom.

I mean, honestly: what's the point in having a blog unless you're willing, ready, and able to give a platform to every half-cocked "well, I heard from Ferris' friend's pet bullfrog that Larry Williams and Fr. Pilarz were seen at a 24-hour FedEx/Kinko's, furiously photocopying pamphlets explaining why they had to let Buzz go AND shipping what appeared to be a urine sample -- which I can only presume was Buzz's -- to that Olympic drug testing lab in Montreal" rumor that's out there?

This lack of aggression will not stand, man. We've got fuels to fire.

Accordingly: here's your chance to be one of those Anonymous Sources that seem to be all the rage at ESPN these days. No credibility? No track record of reliability? No access? NO PROBLEM, FRIEND. It's a brave new world, and it's time we jumped in the pool.

So: what are you hearing?

SWEET SIXTEEN edition of starters, stats, and beer, after the jump.

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The Tournament Edition of starters, stats, and beer rolls on, after the jump.

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GO TIME! Starters, stats, and beer, after the jump.

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TOURNAMENT EDITION! Starters, stats, and beer, after the jump.

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So, you remember when you had that girlfriend, and you went out for, like, a dozen years or so, and you had some OK times, up until you decided that you could probably do better, so you dumped her -- and you didn't do it very nicely, either; maybe it was over the phone, or written hastily on a dry-erase board -- and then proceeded to tell everyone how much better your life was, how the woman was an anchor on your soul and you were kicking yourself for not realizing it sooner?

And then, about eight years later, after you'd lost your job and your wife and had to move back in your mom's basement and were scraping together pennies to pay for your gout medication, you figured: "Eh, what the hell. Maybe I'll give her a call and see if she wants to go see The Lorax this weekend." And, much to your surprise, she not only said yes, but she canceled plans with her friends who hadn't ditched her a decade earlier?

The Big East knows how you feel, friend.

Which is all a long way of saying: OH HAI TEMPLE! How're things?

Eight years after being unceremoniously booted from the Big East's football membership, the conference announced this afternoon that the Owls are coming home to roost (do owls roost? Whatever, go with it). Unlike the last go-round, however, all of Temple's teams will be part of the Big East this time, with Temple football joining in time for the 2012 regular season and the basketball team (plus all the rest of Temple's sports teams) jumping on board one year later. The additions will stock the Big East with eight football schools and 15 basketball teams in 2012, which helps the football side immensely in the short term (nobody really wanted to double-dip against a conference opponent, I don't think).

Going forward, this is probably about as good a fix as the Big East could hope for, basketball-wise: Memphis and Temple aren't going to make anyone forget Pitt and 'Cuse, but snagging the best team in Conference USA and the class of the A-10 ain't that bad.

It sure is kinda awkward, though.

The last regular season edition of starters, stats, and beer, plus Mr. K's Degenerate Gambling Challenge, after the jump.

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Saturday marks the end of the regular season Big East schedule for YOUR Marquette Golden Eagles, when our brothers and sisters in the faith from Georgetown pay a visit to the Bradley Center in the return match of what probably qualifies as the most frustrating loss of the year, a 73-70 defeat on January 4 that saw MU blow a huge second-half lead and ended with Hollis Thompson delivering a scissor kick to the heart of Marquette fans everywhere.

With the Hoyas in town, that means it's time to trade questions with our best blog friends not named Voodoo Five, the cats and kittens from Casual Hoya. I'm not sure how many of the Casualties are making the trip to Milwaukee, but if you run into someone sporting a gray headband this weekend, show 'em some Midwestern hospitality and spring for the first round of Jagermeister. It's what Jesus would do.

When you get done here, be sure to drop by their site and read our answers to their questions. Without further ado:

Anonymous Eagle: Before we begin, I want you to know: Hollis Thompson haunts my dreams.

Casual Hoya: Dude, that’s just weird. You just had a kid, yet the image of Hollis Thompson occupies your mindgrapes at night? They (read: I) probably have some drugs you can take to help you.

/checks pockets

/finds none

Sorry.

AE: When we did this at the beginning of January, I asked you to finish this sentence: "This is the most fun I've had following a Georgetown team since ..." You said the 2006 team, if I remember right. Has your answer changed in the interim?

CH: No...(not changing it to yes in spite of the greatness of a potential Night at the Roxbury line here). In fact, this team has become even more fun to follow since JTIII benched Markel Starks in favor of Otto Porter and the team decided to be a defensive warlock. Georgetown has so much length in the starting five right now, maybe too much if that is even possible. We're blowing Jay Bilas's mind with all of our length actually.

More Qs, more As, after the jump.

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The last road edition of starters, stats, and beer, after the jump.

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We got starters, we got stats, we got beer, after the jump.

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Starters. Stats. Beer. Jump, yo.

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Starters, stats, and beer, after the jump.

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Starters, stats, and beer, after the jump.

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Starters, stats, and beer, if you'd be so kind as to jump.

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