We're screwed.  Screwed like the Russians after the Battle of the Yellow Sea.

When the Kings lost Ryan Smyth and Rob Scuderi, I figured, "Well, I guess Smyth's only out for a month, that's not that bad."  Then I looked at the schedule.  Starting today, the Kings have 13 games and 10 days off until the middle of December.  Right now they're missing their 1st line left winger, 3rd line center, and their #4 defenseman.  Oh yeah, Jarret Stoll is out too with boneitis or something.  Oh, and Thomas Hickey tried to play through a shoulder injury before finally getting surgery, so he's out 4 months or so.  Oh, and I just burned my tongue.  Just not my week, I guess.  Next thing you know, someone's going to try to poison me, then shoot me, then throw me in a frozen river.

Don't worry, though; Smyth should get back just in time for the Kings' fucking 8 day lay off the week before Christmas.  Really, I'm actually starting to think the guy is doing this just to fuck with me, or maybe to get me back for all the times I said I wanted to kill him.  I'm sorry, man, just please stop.  Uncle.

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by Darryl Dyck - AP

We're not scoring enough? Clearly we need more Raitis Ivanans. (AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Darryl Dyck)

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If I had a band, I'd name it Matchsticks and Gasoline; well, either that or Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie

The Kings need secondary scoring.  Hell, the Kings need scoring in general the last few games.  The Kings were forced to move Alexander Frolov up to their top line due to the loss of Ryan Smyth, further reducing their ability to threaten with multiple lines.  Clearly their needs to be something done, a bold step needs to be made by our fearless leader Terry Murray, a-

"I need to play him [Ivanans] more."

WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT???????????

Oh Goddammit.

Of course, I'm not being entirely fair.  The full context of the quote is that the Kings have a lot of games coming up and Murray can't play his top 2 lines 20 minutes a night and he Brad Richardson and Teddy Purcell need to play more and Murray's most likely going to give Ivanans 7 minutes a night instead of 4 and then rotate Richardson, Harrold and Purcell on that third line... but damn, that's an ugly quote.  That's the hockey equivalent of Reverend Wright.

The Kings play the Calgary Flames, which is awesome because it means I get to see Jay Bouwmeester and Craig Conroy.  I love Bouwmeester because he's probably one of the smartest players in hockey and it'll be fascinating to watch him in contrast to one of the dumbest, Dion Phaneuf.  I like to think that Phaneuf and Jack Johnson will start slashing and jawing at each other and then Bouwmeester and Doughty will just kind of look at each other and shake their heads in bewilderment.

Prediction: Kings win, 4-3.  Goals by Ivanans (x4).  Murray tells me to suck it.

Jonathan Quick cost us the game last night.  Well, not really, no one person ever costs a team a game, but he should have stopped at least one of the three goals that went in.  Last night was really frustrating because none of the goals were necessarily bad goals to let in, but all were stoppable with solid positioning.

The first goal, he came out to face the shot but lost the puck off the rebound; while he searched for it (and even stepped away from the puck), Mika Pyorala made a quick move to his right and buried the puck.  But hey, that happens to everyone.  Still, it's not a good idea to start to stand up and move to your right when you don't know where the puck is.

The second goal was a team lapse and Mike Richards did take a hard shot, but Quick still could have gotten it.  It's one of those goals where you'd like to see him make the save but you understand why he didn't.  Still, a more positionally sound goaltender would have saved it.  He dived to the left on the initial cross-ice pass instead of sliding over, then dove back to the right as the puck went behind the net; by the time the puck was passed up to Richards, Quick was so out of control that any shot where he wasn't was pretty much guaranteed to go in.  His stick was out of position, he wasn't focused on the puck, he was kind of a mess.

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by Tony Gutierrez - AP

I hate you so much. (AP Photo/Tony Gutierrez)

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Well, shit.

Ryan Smyth and Rob Scuderi are both out of tonight's game, one with a shoulder injury after stupidly trying to get past a defender at the blue line, the other after twisting his ankle in a scrum.  (Guess which one's which.)  Without Smyth the Kings are pretty screwed since they're kind of weak down the left side anyway so who knows what the hell they're going to do.  I know what I'd like them to do: trade for one of Ray Whitney*, Alexei Ponikarovsky or Andrew Brunette.  But they're probably not going to do that, so we'll probably have to fill it internally.

*How perfect would Ray Whitney be for this team?  He's a veteran guy with an expiring contract that could slot in alongside Jarret Stoll and Dustin Brown on the third line.  The Hurricanes are pretty much out of it already and will probably be selling; why not go for him now?

And in case you're wondering, this is the true genius of Ryan Smyth.  See how he comes to the Kings despite my objections and then starts to play well, making you think he might actually be a productive member of the Kings.  Then he gets hurt, harming the Kings' chances of making the playoffs.  I can't even be happy that he's hurt now because it hurts the Kings.  Well played, Smyth.  Well played indeed.

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Look, leave me alone.  I've been moving and I haven't had TV or anything so I haven't really been able to watch the last 2 games.  I listened to the Thrashers game (at least until 6-0 when I angrily turned it off)* and completely missed the Lightning game, which sucks because Wayne Simmonds introduced someone to the Meat Train and Rob Scuderi got hurt and a goal was called back in overtime and the Kings won in a shootout.  But yeah, I was moving so I can't fill your head with tantalizing visions of Earl going down on a guy or vivid tales like the time I farted in the shower and water was running down my crack so I thought I had pooed for a second.  Nothing to see here, folks.

*It sucks when you're listening to a game in your car and something goes wrong because you can't really get angry.  You'll yell, "Fuck!" and then raise your hand to hit something but there's nothing you can really hit and so you'll just kind of freeze before you angrily twist the dial on your radio, but the knob is like an inch big and doesn't take much effort to turn so you end up using way too much force and slamming your hand against your window or something.

But anyway, the Kings lost Rob Scuderi so Randy Jones is playing.  There, now you can go back to forwarding cat videos or whatever the hell it is you people do when you're not pestering me for information.  God, the pressure of this job sometimes.  Man, I need a break.*

*Puts on worn VHS of 3 Ninjas, unzips pants

Prediction: Kings win, 2-1.  Tomas Vokoun has 50 saves, Quick has 10.

"You fellas have a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. Can you believe these characters? Way out of line. Way out of line. Have a good mind to go to the [commissioner] about this. You know what hurts the most is the... the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the... Except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most."

by David Zalubowski - ASSOCIATED PRESS

"It is American shithead who makes tricks with bricks." (AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

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WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Man am I pumped for this game.  I'm a Kings man tried and true but I sure do love those Atlanta Thrashers.  There's Ilya, of course, who is without a doubt my favorite non-Kings related hockey player in the league.  I don't watch Ilya Kovalchuk enough to know if he's good defensively or if he's a team player, but I like to think he is neither of those things.  I like to think of him as a stone cold Russian badass who says shit like, "Ilya do not have time to backcheck like woman," and then punches Rich Peverley in the face before scoring a hat trick; then he hops into his Lamborghini hot tub and has a threesome with a chick with a Chelsea Smile and another girl with 2 C-section scars.  Badass, is how I like to think of him.

Then there's Maxim Afinogenov, who is exactly like Ilya Kovalchuk except he sucks.  For some reason that makes me love him more than I otherwise would.  I don't know why, I just love Russians and foreign hockey players in general.  I think it's because I'm kind of racist and I can just prescribe personality traits to them.  (This can be seen in my love of Lubomir Visnovsky, who I talk about in the exact same way I talk about a dog.)  Maxim is playing a different game from everyone else.  He's an iconoclast, kind of like Eddie the Eagle or that one guy who shit his pants playing rugby.

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From Inside the Kings.  The quote is Patrick O'Sullivan talking about his time in LA:

"It’s definitely different coming from L.A. where nobody cared and after the game we’d have two people in the room waiting to talk to us. I didn’t know what to expect when I was traded and I didn’t know how I was going to like it. But to me, I think it’s great. You want to play somewhere where hockey is important. It’s everything and more that I thought it would be. The games are sold out and it’s a fun building to play in. Outside of the weather, it’s a great city. In my opinion if you want to live somewhere warm, you can do it when you’re done playing."

Hahaha, what the fuck ever.  You're just mad no girl down here would fuck you because your eyes are too close together.  Go back to your ice palace, you fucking Guess Who? character.

More photos » by Karl B DeBlaker - AP

There are 4 faces in this picture and they are all hilarious. (AP Photo/Karl B DeBlaker)

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-The Kings defeated the Carolina Hurricanes last night, 5-2, on the backs of Alexander Frolov and Randy "The Date Rapist" Jones*.  The game was close until the middle of the third but the outcome was never really in doubt; the Kings were pushing the action almost the entire game and simply had more skill than the depleted Hurricanes line-up. 

 *What the hell kind of sleaze bag is this guy?  He has some sort of weird crusty mustache thing going on.  He just looks like the type of guy that enjoys taking girls' virginity.  I get the feeling he and Justin Williams would not look out of place at the party Jennifer Connelly provided the entertainment for at the end of Requiem for a Dream.

Alexander Frolov had 2 assists on the night, a pretty fake slap shot and pass to Justin Williams that led to Randy "High School Gym Teacher" Jones' goal, and another beautiful assist on Wayne Simmonds' goal to ice the game.  Frolov collected the puck behind the Hurricanes net and faked like he was going to take it out wide; when the defenders came to him, he slipped it between them to a wide open Meat Train in front of the net.  It was a solid night all around for Frolov and he was congratulated on his play by Terry Murray after the game... wait, no he wasn't.  What a surprise.

Randy "Your Girlfriend's Co-Worker who Always Touches Her Back" Jones, meawhile, ended up with 2 points on the night in his Kings debut.  Jones filled in for Sean O'Donnell, which makes sense since Sean O'Donnell is old and could probably use a break every now and then.  The Kings will still use O'Donnell most of the time because he's their rock on the penalty kill and provides security for the rest of the Kings' defenders, but it's nice to know the Kings have someone like Randy "Guy Who Volunteers to Ref AYSO Games Even Though He Has No Kids" Jones to help out on defense if someone gets hurt.

Erik Ersberg played last night in Jonathan Quick's stead and was... okay, I guess.  He allowed 2 goals on 24 shots, but the first goal was pretty bad to let in.  I'll let him slide on the 2nd, since it was more of a screw up by the defense than Ersberg that led to the goal.  He didn't play well enough to justify playing him over Jonathan Quick, but he played well enough to at least let Quick know that he needs to step it up.

Overall, the Kings won a game they should win.  Hooray!  Now on to a game I am really stoked for: the Thrashers, tomorrow night.  Just think of it: Kopitar v. Kovalchuk (if he plays); Doughty v. Bogosian; Fro v. Maxim; Randy Jones v. her unwillingness to drink anything offered to her.  Should be an awesome game.

by Charles Rex Arbogast - AP

Ryan Smyth looks like the preacher from Deadwood in the midst of a seizure. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

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Canes Country is a big fan of Preston Brooks.

Sorry I haven't written anything of substance in about a week; I'm moving pretty soon and I'm working on big changes at work and blah blah blah nobody cares.  In the week since I wrote, the Kings reached the highest of highs and then fell to the lowest of lows.  The Kings defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins 5-2 last Thursday, riding a 4-goal third period and a dominant performance by Anze Kopitar and his compatriots on the top line.  Then the Kings dropped a trap game to the Nashville Predators, losing 3-1 despite the absence of Shea Weber from the Nashville bench.  Finally, the Kings got rocked against the Chicago Blackhawks on Monday thanks to a dominant 3rd period by the Hawks and a lackluster performance by Jonathan Quick.  Overall, the Kings look like they're in a funk.  The quick answer to problems like the one the Kings face right now is to change something, but is there really any reason to change?  Let's take a look.

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