Hey, here are some cool things:

Dogs with moustaches

Hilarious!

Southland

Dreamy!

Continue reading this post »

I spent like an hour trying to figure out if it's possible to write about Dwight King & Jordan Nolan's heritage in a light-hearted way that didn't make me sound like a racist. I failed.

Anyway, they're both giants (6'3", ~220 lbs.), both can score & fight, and both are going to be playing with Mike Richards. The lines are kind of weird (I give them 3 Murray's) but hey, why not. It's 10 AM, who gives a shit. Besides, they've been playing together in Manchester with Linden Vey, who plays a similar style to Richards. Maybe it'll work, I dunno.

I've been playing around with a theory in my head that the Kings don't really need a "goal scorer" as much as they need a) guys who can screen the goaltender, and b) guys who can get the puck to our current goal scorers in high traffic areas. King & Nolan are both big bodies for the front of the net so we'll see if they can open up some room for Mike Richards to work.

All in all, I'm pretty excited to watch these two to play. Only one of them will likely stick for any length of time but they'll be fun to watch, at least. I'm optimistic!

By the way, does anyone know how to clear Google history? I don't want someone to look at my computer and wonder why I googled if it's still ok to say "Quadroon."

Prediction: Kings win, 3-2. Goals by King & Loktionov. Jordan Nolan beats the shit out of someone.

(*Heavy breathing)

(*Heavy breathing)

"Yeah yeah yeah!"

(*Heavy breathing)

"Nice pass."

"Wheel wheel wheel!"

(*Heavy breathing)

"C'mon, boys!"

(*Heavy breathing)

Continue reading this post »

Man oh man, this is pretty awesome. Hockey-Reference (which is fantastic) allows you to sponsor player pages, right? Well, I pinched a few pennies here and there and I was able to purchase a page. Not just any page, mind you; I purchased the page of the greatest, smartest, most pirate-y player of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

KELLY HRUDEY'S PLAYER PAGE!!!!

Yep, now this very website will stand alongside Kelly Hrudey for the rest of time until October 11th of this year, as a testament to his greatness and forti... wait, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK???

Dwayne Roloson? Better than Kelly Hrudey??? You gotta be Goddamn shitting me. That prehistoric fuck is the worst. Fuck it, new post:

Dwayne Roloson: History's Greatest Villain

Continue reading this post »

Ken Hitchcock

+

Darryl Sutter

+

Refs who decide to let everything go

+

The Kings' ability to shoot

=

Continue reading this post »

Last game's clock controversy sure did get a lot of people talking, didn't it? Boy was that informative and in no way dumb. Anyway, it got me thinking: what are other ways the Kings can help themselves win games?

-Heat up Daryl Evans and throw him onto the ice so opposing players will trip over him

-Place a thin layer of plexiglass at the goal mouth behind Quick

-Post the opposing team's salaries in their locker room, thus igniting a class struggle and sowing dissension among their team

-Convince another team's fanbase that their best players aren't "real leaders," thus causing them to eventually force said best players out of town Good job, guys!

-Back up the drainage in the visitor's locker room

-You know what, let's just smear shit everywhere

-Play the Black Eyed Peas during the game and hope that the other team is so embarrassed for the Kings that they just leave

-I don't see anywhere in the rule book where it says a robot can't play hockey

-Place the Castle Doors in front of the visitors' locker room, put a brick wall right behind it

-Can we hire actual knights? We should try that

-Use the Kiss Cam on 2 opposing players and watch it get real awkward when one player jokingly but not really says, "We should totally kiss just to show them up"

-Murder

-Give Bailey big tits, have him hang out behind the visitors' bench

-Play the Ducks

Continue reading this post »

Ugh, you people again? Son of a bitch. Here, read these from over the break and stop bugging me:

This article on CBSSports was a pretty good overview of how different NHL stars are used by their coaches. The important part:

3) Where would the Kings and Devils be without Kopitar and Patrik Elias this season? Not only are they the top point producers for two teams that have little offense after them, but they have also been doing it under less-than-ideal circumstances for offense, while both spend significant time every night killing penalties for two of the top penalty killing teams in the league. Kopitar, for example, logs 2:28 of shorthanded ice time per game for the Kings, while Elias checks in at just under two minutes per game. Of the 25 players on the scatterplot above, only nine of them play more than one minute of shorthanded ice-time per game. Twelve of them play less than 10 seconds per game.

The article has a few flaws (you shouldn't really compare QualComp across teams) but it gives you an idea of the pressure that is on Anze Kopitar night in, night out. A lot of guys either have to dig themselves out of a hole by starting in the defensive zone or they have to play tough competition, but Kopitar is one of the few guys who has to do both. (As an aside, both Joe Thornton and Ryan Getzlaf play the same role as Kopitar. California centers own.)

It's funny, when the Kings traded for Mike Richards everyone said, "Oh good, now some pressure will be taken off Kopitar," but... nope? And seriously, why should the Kings take pressure off Kopitar? Kopitar is awesome, he should be playing in the toughest situations. Doughty should (and is) too. Your best players need to be your best players.

Continue reading this post »

Tim Thomas isn't the only hockey player with unpopular beliefs. Let's take a look at the controversial opinions of some of hockey's biggest stars:

-Steven Stamkos refuses to say "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance because he's not quite ready to rule out Quetzacoatl.

-Joe Thornton believes the State Animal of California should be the wooly mammoth. He also believes the State Flower, State Mineral and State Name should be changed to wooly mammoth.

-Anze Kopitar really misses the Kings Castle.

-Joffrey Lupul thinks that it is sometimes appropriate to commit a crime, like shoplifting to feed your family or rape if you're bored.

-Ryan Getzlaf plans on raising his kids in the "Greek tradition."

Pavel Datsyuk believes it is perfectly acceptable for the female to decapitate the male after copulation.

Continue reading this post »

Is it bad that I'm looking forward to not having to watch the Kings for 8 days after tonight?

Prediction: Kings win, 0-00. What should I do during the break? Maybe I'll learn how to sew. Is it weird that "sew" is pronounced with a hard "O" but "sow" is pronounced like it has an "A" in it to anyone else but me?

-Oh god I'm so bored.

-I said this in the off-season:

I'd like the Kings to sign him early and then move him to a wing so Andrei Loktionov can play center. If that happened I think I'd actually really like Jarret Stoll, mostly as runoff from my love of Andrei Loktionov. But it probably won't (and even if it did I still wouldn't really like him)

I was wrong: somehow I hate him even more now that he's a winger.

-If Brad Richardson or Trevor Lewis could finish then Andrei Loktionov would have like 30 assists by now. If he would just shoot the Goddamn puck he'd have like 20 goals.

-Oh hey look, another stifled breakout. Good job guys.

-Games like this make me think I could play in the NHL.

-I want to shoot Brad Richardson into the Sun or trade him to Nashville... well not Nashville, he'd end up scoring 15 goals a season there. Columbus.

-What will the Kings' bottom six look like next year? I should ask Quisp.

-The Kings should call up Marc-Andre Cliche. I don't know how but they should do it. I just like that guy.

-Justin Williams is cool too.

Continue reading this post »

You know what my favorite thing about having Mike Richards on the Kings is?

It's not the fact that he's really good and he's smart and he seems to try really hard.

It's not that he does that thing great players do where he seems to get a 3-step jump on people because he's noticed where the puck is going before anyone else.

It's not that he's actually not as much of an asshole as I thought he'd be or that he jumped in after Brenden Morrow destroyed Kopitar last week.

It's not that he's pretty much what you'd get if you turned Canada into a hockey player.

It's that he is all of those things... and Anze Kopitar is pretty clearly better than him. It's not even all that close!

Anze rules.

Continue reading this post »

Yeah the Kings are playing the Canucks tonight but who cares?

PUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYY BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Full starting line-up can be found here.

Best

Fumble

Look at this little guy! Perfect ears, Solid whiskers, those "do me" eyes... gotta tell ya, this pup's got it all. Plus, Fumble's a pretty underrated name. A good way to tell if a dog has an awesome name is if you can't yell it without smiling. Try yelling, "Goddammit, Fumble, not on my duvet!" and try not to smile. You can't do it! Can't be done.

Worst

Brandy

Hahaha you look stupid, Brandy. You look at the yin and you think, "Wow, there's no way that dog could look stupider," and then you see the yang and you're like, "Welp." Go ask your heathen gods for a new face, Brandy, and then kill yourself.

Continue reading this post »

Booooooooo

Booooooooooooooooooo

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I mean,

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Prediction: Boo boo boo boo boooooooo. Boo boo boooooo!

How is Anze Kopitar still alive?

***

Remember when Mike Cammalleri talked about how excited he was to be in a "real" hockey town after he got traded from the Kings? Do you think he still feels that way? I've always thought that passionate fans were mostly terrible for a franchise.

Prediction: Kings win, 4-2. Kopitar has 2 goals, 2 assists, and then gets his head lopped off. He's ready to go tomorrow against the Oilers.

Subj: Dustin Penner

A few days ago, I e-mailed blogging superstar Derek Zona the following:

Subj: Penner

My Dearest Derek,

What the fuck.

Sincerely,

Rudy Kelly

Zona wrote back that he didn't know what the fuck but over the next few days he did e-mail me a few interesting tidbits about Penner. Like the following:

For some reason, Penner has been averaging shots from really far out this season. If I had to guess, I'd say it's not so much that he's shooting from farther out as it is he's not getting shots from in close to help bring those numbers down. Penner seems like he'll throw the puck on net if he doesn't have a passing lane, which accounts for the farther shots out, but then he's not getting set up in tight to get rebounds and tips that will bring his shot distance down. That's something he's corrected in his last few games, at least, as he's been driving the net a lot more. Hopefully that holds.

Continue reading this post »

(I've tried to rationalize the Kings' goalscoring woes. I've looked at charts, I've ran the numbers, I studied the tape and I've got nothing. What do I do now? Where do I turn when I'm completely out of rational options? I'm completely lost and alone. I guess there's only one thing left to do; I guess I need to turn to a higher power, a being who can hear my thoughts and maybe, just maybe, heal my soul.)

Dear Kelly Hrudey,

Are you there, Kelly? It's me, Rudy. Yes, your #1 fan. So... how are you? I am not so well and I need your help. I know you and the courts told me to stop writing you but this is important. And there are no pictures this time so you won't get disgusted. You see, I need your help. The Kings can't score. Yep, your Kings, the guys who once averaged over 3 goals a game, can't score a lick. I know it's probably you punishing them because they're worshiping a false idol (and I agree, Quick shouldn't be wearing your number) but I can't help but think maybe it's my fault. Is it my fault? If it is then I'm sorry for whatever I did.

It's been so long that I don't even remember how you score in the NHL. I watch NHL On The Fly and it seems like I'm watching a different sport. How is that guy open in the slot? Are you allowed to go there? Hey, can you shoot in the corners and not the goaltender's chest? These are the things I ask myself.

It's affecting my everyday life. I'm slumping. I'm dropping dishes, I'm falling down, I'm trying to have sex with belly buttons, I can't do anything right. Is it because I made fun of Tim Tebow? The other 2 people who hate Tim Tebow as much as me are my friends Emilio and Meg. Emilio's a Penguins fan and his whole team is dead. And Meg's team... well the Sharks are OK but Meg has boils all over his body and that's not good.

What is going on? Am I being smited? Is the word smoted? See, I can't even write good no more.

The dictionary defines "Smite" as

Continue reading this post »

Holy shit guys, I'm so excited! I snuck into the last Wednesday's practice and I recorded this exclusive footage of Bernie Nicholls training the Kings on how to score goals. It's pretty revealing stuff. Make sure you watch it before it gets pulled!

Continue reading this post »

At this point, I'm hoping that if I keep bringing up how poorly the Kings' shooting luck has been, eventually it'll go away. So let's try this:

-Goaltenders facing the Kings currently have a .941 save percentage when at even strength.* That's like the Kings are going up against Tim Thomas & Tuuka Rask every single time they play a game. That's the highest in the league by a tenth. If that held (it won't, but if it did), it'd be the worst save percentage since Behind the Net started tracking it by about a tenth.

*Hearty thanks to Gabe Desjardins for not only pointing me in the right direction but also for not calling me and everyone else a moron. He's like Stats Buddha, forsaking True Enlightenment to explain to everyone what CORSI is.

-On the power play, the Kings have the 4th highest save percentage against in the league, behind the Canadiens, Sharks*, and Blue Jackets.

*There you go, Meg.

-The Kings have the worst shooting percentage in the league, at 6.7% Remember when I pointed out the dip in points of the Kings' best players, then noted how low their shooting percentage was compared to previous seasons? Since then, the Kings have gone 6-1-3 and their shooting percentage has actually gone down. Just... what? Why?

-If the Kings shot as poorly as the 29th worst shooting team in the league (the Columbus Blue Jackets at 7.5%), they'd have about 9 more goals this season (~93 to 84). That translates to somewhere between 2 and 3 additional wins.

-Luckily, the Kings bad luck shooting has been counter-balanced by the good luck Jonathan Quick has been having. I'm almost inclined to believe his save percentage jump at even strength this season is legit (.921 last year versus .931 this year), but he's currently saving shots when short-handed at a higher clip than at when even strength (.933 to .931). That's going to fall quite a bit, probably right when the Kings' power play heats up. Jonathan Bernier has been way underperforming, though, so I imagine he and Quick's numbers will start trending towards one another.

-So... shit, I guess. Frequent Jewels From The Crown commenter and giant nerd stats enthusiast Rick Knickle has just started up a blog pointing out a lot of fancy (and legitimate) reasons the Kings are going to get better: Fenwick, PDO, all that jazz. I look at this stuff after almost every game to remind myself, "The Kings are good, it's bad luck, things will change," because otherwise it's so easy to start blaming people. I want to blame Anze Kopitar for not shooting on that 2-on-1 in overtime or Trevor Lewis for not burying his set-up in the 2nd period or Dustin Penner for being all Penner-y but I know I shouldn't. I want so badly to pin this on someone, especially Jack Johnson, but it's not true or fair. I can only look at the numbers and know that someday, somehow, it'll be OK.

Or maybe it doesn't. ...Fuck.

Continue reading this post »

Point:

So now, General Manager Bob Murray needs to make a real deal, a genuinely impactful one, a move that signals the start of reloading for next season because, let's all admit it, this season is a goner.

He needs to trade ... Ryan Getzlaf.

Counterpoint:

Hahahahahaha you're really dumb.

5. That one day

4. Remember that time? Hahaha, amazing. You'd think the blood would make it worse, but nope.

3. Oh yeah, that was awesome!

2. Hahahahahaha... oh man, good times, good times.

1. WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAA THAT WAS THE BEST!!! OH MAN, NOTHING WILL EVER TOP THAT!

So I go to the mountains for 2 days and when I come back I find out that:

-The Kings beat the Canucks

-They manage to score 4 goals

-Mike Richards is playing wing

-Andrei Loktionov has his best game of the season

-Slava Voynov is hurt

-Corey Perry and Nick Lidstrom are driving each other to hockey rinks

What the fuck, people. This year is strange and different.

Continue reading this post »

3 New Year's Resolutions

1) Start skating out

2) Learn to cook

3) Somehow legalize dog-human marriage

3 Most Depressing Kings Stats

1) Jack Johnson- 28 GA (most on team)

2) Team shooting percentage- 6.7% (Last in league)

3) Andrei Loktionov- 17 Games, 0 Goals, 2 Assists

3 Best Movies I Saw This Year

1) 50/50

2) The Black Death

3) The Descendants

3 Players I'd Like To See In A Kings Uniform Before This Season Ends

1) Tuomo Ruutu

2) Dwight King

3) Dustin Penner

Continue reading this post »

Hey, you know what's awesome? Pooping. I'm doing it right now.

Is it weird that I drink coffee while I poop? My sister thinks it weird but the way I figure it, brown in brown out, right?

Poop poop poop

Prediction: Kings win, 4-1. Goals by Kopitar, Brown, Voynov and Clifford. You all wonder why you ever come to this site.

This one has to be short because my parents have the world's worst internet connection and every 5 minutes everything crashes on me. This whole week is going to be sporadic, actually, because I'm going to Mexico for a few days and then I'm going up into the snow and then I'm going into space so I won't have internet for a while. I'll see what I can do, though!

In the meantime, a few things to discuss:

-Should the Kings try to trade one of their young defensemen (Martinez) for a guy like Tuomo Ruutu?

-Should the Kings see if they can trade Jack Johnson for top-six help?

-Why are Gagne & Williams playing like dickheads?

-At what point do the Kings try to get Jonathan Quick signed to a long-term deal? When they do so, does Jonathan Bernier become available?

-What is this burning sensation when I pee?

-If the Kings don't make the playoffs, should Dean Lombardi be fired? No. What are you, retarded? Shut up.

-Is Boxing Day lame as hell? Yes. Yes it is.

Prediction: Kings win, 3-1. Goals by Kopitar, Williams, and Gagne.

Part I: The Airing of Grievances

The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I'm not big on complaining but I guess I'll give it a shot.

Meg- Earl tells me your writing stinks! You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe...I lost my train of thought.

Justin Williams- You used to be cool but now you're playing like an asshole. Stop jacking off and make quicker decisions.

Matt Greene- You stink.

Jack Johnson- I'm not fooled, I know that 2nd goal against last night was your fault.

Continue reading this post »