I was warned.

Earlier this week I finally picked up my UFC Best of 2011 DVD from the library after reserving it back in March and patiently waited for two months for the folks ahead of me in the reserve line to watch. Admittedly I didn't remember much of the original review in the above article before I popped in Disc One that evening.

First things first, my DVD player is a bigass piece of machinery. It's an old JVC three-disc player I've had for almost a decade and it's had its dodgy moments before. I popped in the CD and it almost destroyed it because it was not reading at all. Tried it in a different tray and again it wasn't reading and in fact it wasn't even spinning properly. Finally tried the final tray and it worked without a hitch. It's never done this with any other disc before and because of that I didn't even venture into Disc Two.

With everything all set, here are some observations:

• Two Full Fights. This disc was made for people with ADHD. The only full fights shown were Cain Velasquez vs. Junior Dos Santos and Wanderlei Silva vs. Chris Leben, and that's only because they lasted a combined 1:36. Everything else was just highlights, and not even complete ones either. I seriously cannot believe they edited out the ending to Brock Lesnar vs. Alistair Overeem and stopped after the body kick that knocked Brock down. In reality, the fight ended when Brock was turtled up and Overeem landed a hard right to the body that finished Lesnar. They also did not show the end of the 4th round of Shogun vs. Henderson where Shogun badly hurts Henderson, mounts him, only for Shogun to get reversed. The deep neck crank Dominick Cruz had on Demetrious Johnson wasn't even aired and they went from round 1 all the way to round 5.
  
• Ass-Backwards table of contents. Why the HELL would you start with the heavyweights and finish with the bantamweights? Seriously, the first fight is Cain/JDS and it ends with Urijah Faber vs. Brian Bowles. I'm no content expert, but it makes way more sense to introduce the best of the year by introducing the new weight classes and ending with the monumental free title fight on FOX in your marquee weight division.
• Dubbing and editing. The UFC really needs to stop doing this because no other sports organization even attempts this retroactive correcting of commentary. Joe Rogan's complaints of the Wanderlei/Cung Le stoppage are not included, Mike Goldberg's hilarious "WANDERLEI SILVA BEATS CHRIS LEBEN" now says "WANDERLEI SILVA BEATEN BY CHRIS LEBEN", and I'm pretty sure some of the Cain/JDS fight pre-knockdown was re-dubbed by Goldberg.
• Disc Two is utterly pointless. Granted, I haven't put in Disc Two and probably never will. This disc is supposed to be exclusively "bonus fights" because they weren't bothered to put in any other interesting bonus material. Every single bonus fight is basically the full fights of the highlights in Disc One. Total dumbassery.
  
• Way too many quality and key fights/fighters left out. This entire recap was basically about the guys already at the top of their division and then the likes of Tito Ortiz, Wanderlei Silva, and Big Nog. They left out Fitch/Hendricks, Shields/Ellenberger, Jung/Garcia II, Guillard/Dunham, Guillard/Lauzon, didn't even INCLUDE Michael Bisping, and countless others. Phil Davis had no highlights, ditto Dustin Poirier, Renan Barao, Travis Browne, Jim Miller, and I'm just rambling on at this point so let me stop there.
  

As someone who thinks the UFC has done an excellent job with putting out these DVDs, this is their worst one by far and it smells of a product that was rushed together and hurriedly put to market for the purpose of instant sales. Well if you seriously want to buy this piece of garbage, this is the table of contents for each disc:

Disc One - Highlights

Cain/JDS (full fight)

Kongo/Barry

Big Nog/Schaub

Mir/Big Nog

Lesnar/Overeem

Shogun/Jones

Jones/Rampage

Ortiz/Bader

Evans/Ortiz

Couture/Machida

Jones/Machida

Shogun/Forrest

Shogun/Henderson

Silva/Belfort

Silva/Okami

Sonnen/Stann

Belfort/Akiyama

Wanderlei/Leben (full fight)

Wanderlei/Le

GSP/Shields

Condit/Stun Gun

Penn/Diaz

Edgar/Maynard 2

Edgar/Maynard 3

Guida/Henderson

Donald Cerrone highlights (with practically no highlights of Nate Diaz's mauling of him)

Aldo/Hominick

Aldo/Florian

Cruz/Faber

Cruz/Johnson

Intro to Flyweight Tournament

Faber/Bowles

Disc Two - Ten Full "Bonus" Fights

Edgar/Maynard 2

Silva/Belfort

Cruz/Faber

Penn/Diaz

Guida/Henderson

Silva/Le

Shogun/Henderson

Hominick/Jung

Jones/Machida

Lesnar/Overeem

Now note, this is just the DVD because apparently there are more full fights on BluRay, but it's still pretty much a highlights program you're watching. Supposedly they cut out Nate Diaz's double middle-fingers towards Cerrone.

At least it was free for me and I'm thankful my local library system has many UFC DVDs for me to check out. But for your sake, DO NOT BUY THIS AT ALL. It's not worth your time, it's a lazy production, and is a gross misrepresentation of the "Best of" 2011.

No no no no no this is not a jab at Struve ... although if it was he's probably cut above his left eye. But he is a focal point in this post. With Junior Dos Santos' starching of Frank Mir last night, the world #1 heavyweight has added to arguably one of the best resumes in the sport if not one of the greatest resumes for an entire UFC career. Here are his 9 UFC opponents and their Bloody Elbow/USA Today rankings at the time of their fight:

UFC 90 - vs. Fabricio Werdum (Rank at the time: #5; Current Rank: #5)

UFC 95 - vs. Stefan Struve (Rank at the time: NR; Current Rank: #19)

UFC 103 - vs. Mirko Cro-Cop (Rank at the time: #15; Current Rank: NR) -

UFC 108 - vs. Gilbert Yvel (Rank at the time: #22; Current Rank: NR)

UFC on VS - vs. Gabriel Gonzaga (Rank at the time: #13; Current Rank: NR)

UFC 117 - vs. Roy Nelson (Rank at the time: #18; Current Rank: #14)

UFC 131 - vs. Shane Carwin (Rank at the time: #5; Current Rank: #7)

UFC on FOX - vs. Cain Velasquez (Rank at the time: #1; Current Rank: #2)

UFC 146 - vs. Frank Mir (Current Rank: #4)

If you're keeping score, that's:

- 8 ranked opponents (at the time of the fight)

- 7 finishes (Cro-Cop fight is a verbal submission)

- 6 currently ranked fighters with four of them in the current top 10

- 3 former UFC HW champions (although I don't really have any arguments if you do not include Carwin).

- 2 unanimous decision wins so dominant that Dos Santos had a 30-26 scorecard in his fights against Carwin and Nelson.

- 1 former UFC HW title challenger (Gonzaga)

- 1 guy who is the only man to ever submit Fedor (Werdum).

- 1 former PRIDE World Grand-Prix Openweight Champion (Cro-Cop).

What makes Dos Santos' rise to the heavyweight summit so incredible is that he started his UFC career by fighting and KOing a top 5 heavyweight and never had a substantial drop in competition. At no point in time has he ever been brought up the traditional way like many other of the recent contenders. Cain Velasquez fought Denis Stojnic and Jake O'Brien, Shane Carwin had stalwarts like Christian Wellisch and Neil Wain to play with before getting matched with the big boys.

Another contributing factor to Dos Santos' impressive victims list is he pretty much had to wait in line for his title shot, thus always getting credible opposition while waiting for his call. JDS holds the longest winning streak in UFC HW history before even fighting for the title. The following list does contain the most recent title shots granted as well as Frank Mir's numerous title fights attempts (interim and unified).

UFC Winning Streaks Before Title Fight

Junior Dos Santos - 7

Cain Velasquez - 6

Shane Carwin - 3

Frank Mir's fourth title shot - 3

Frank Mir's first title shot - 3

Frank Mir's second title shot - 2

Frank Mir's third title shot - 1

Brock Lesnar - 1

No coincidence the top 2 on that list are undoubtedly the two beat heavyweights in the world, is it?

Dos Santos' 7 fight winning streak is also the 2nd longest without fighting for a UFC belt. Jon Fitch holds the record by going 8-0 before GSP turned his face into Grimace from McDonald's. Even then, Fitch's debut was at middleweight so he had 7 in a row at welterweight, so take it for what it's worth.

Junior Dos Santos is not only a special talent, but he has the potential to be one of MMA's all-time greatest heavyweights. He has not even lost a round during his time with the UFC. When your worst win was then just 22 and making his UFC debut, and your second worst win is a guy who holds a TKO win over Cheick Kongo and is one of only two men to ever KO Semmy Schilt in MMA competition, you know you've accomplished.

The only realistic challenges for Dos Santos right now are Cain Velasquez (whom he's already beaten), Daniel Cormier, Alistair Overeem, and maybe Travis Browne. After that, who's next? Jon Jones? He's beaten the best of the best for so long that he's closer to cleaning out the division than we think.

Sit back and enjoy the ride everyone, we're witnesses to a potential legend in the making.

WE ARE YOUNG LIVE. Welcome to the 4th edition of the Friday Caption Contest, the competition that brings out the funniest out of the Bloody Elbow community.

Last week's winner was menckenstein for this gem on Mike Goldberg's inner thoughts:

"Don't kiss Joe on live TV. Don't kiss Joe on live TV. Don't kiss Joe on live TV. Don't kiss Joe on live TV." - menckenstein"

_________

The game is very simple. I post an MMA-related picture (although an exception is made this week), and you make a funny. There are some basic rules though:

1.) No GIF editing or PhotoShops. They aren't captions, they don't count.

2.) Nothing too sexually graphic, although honestly if that's your entry then I suggest you go back to the porn you're watching on the other tab.

3.) No racist, homophobic, or sexist slurs. This disqualifies Dana White from ever winning.

Everything else goes. Movie/TV references, music lyrics, Goldbergisms, you name it. Post as many captions as you please.

Rec the funniest comments and the top 5 in rec totals go into the final poll. The deadline is 10 PM ET. Afterwards the poll goes up and you vote from there. Results are posted the following week

_________

Normally I post an MMA picture, but this is a boxing one that I could not pass up. Also, it cockblocks any inkling of a prediction you'd have of me choosing a topical Jon Jones pic.

Manny Pacquiao's face is your domain for hilarity. AND HERE WE GO!

____

ENTRIES ARE CLOSED. VOTE NOW!

Welcome to another edition of the BE Caption Contest. Last week's winner by two votes was HuskerHammer for this gem:

"I brought the carrots, where the hell is the bus?"

___________

The game is very east. I post an MMA-related picture, and you make a funny. There are some basic rules though:

1.) No GIF editing or PhotoShops. They aren't captions, they don't count.

2.) Nothing too sexually graphic, although honestly if that's your entry then I suggest you go back to the porn you're watching on the other tab.

3.) No racist, homophobic, or sexist slurs. This disqualifies Dana White from ever winning.

Everything else goes. Movie/TV references, music lyrics, Goldbergisms, you name it. Post as many captions as you please.

Rec the funniest comments and the top 5 in rec totals go into the final poll. The deadline is 10 PM ET. Afterwards the poll goes up and you vote from there. Results are posted the following week.

__________________

On that note, can anyone tell me what Mike Goldberg is thinking as Joe Rogan is talking during one of their UFC broadcasts?

EDIT: Contest closed, VOTE NOW!

Nick Diaz's shocking no-show at tonight's charity event at the World Jiu-Jitsu Expo is just one of a long line of notable disappearing acts. Some notable, plainly real, "it was like it was yesterday" ones include:

-- Rousimar Palhares' TUF Finale bout with Alessio Sakara was canceled after Palhares accidentally arrived at the TUF House instead of the Palm's Casino, entered the Octagon, and sat in a corner and waited for Alessio to arrive. No one noticed this until three days after the event, and Rousimar allegedly tore off his own leg out of sheer boredom and confusion.

-- Jonathan Goulet unexpectedly pulled out of his fight with Jeff Joslin in a regional Canadian MMA card in 2005, citing "he had slept longer than he anticipated". It was later found out that Goulet didn't properly uncork a champagne bottle and the cork had knocked him out cold for six hours.

-- Jorge Gurgel pulled out of an openweight grappling tournament against veteran Dean Lister in Rotterdam, Holland in 2007. Gurgel claimed he could not fight Lister that night as he was "working on his striking".

-- Amir Sadollah's fight with Derek Downey at UFC Fight Night was canceled as Amir lost track of time writing and acting out the multiple bad jokes in front of a mirror in preparation for his post-fight speech with Joe Rogan. A furious Dana White gave Sadollah a main event slot to be enacted sometime later this year.

-- Jamie Varner entered and then bailed on a Jiu-Jitsu expo in Las Vegas, NV when he was completely unprepared for guys who didn't want to bang, but to grapple instead.

-- Brendan Schaub no-showed against Justin McCully at UFC 113, instead choosing to spend the day playing the banjo in the park.

-- Mike Goldberg skipped UFC 56, and UFC's production team rushed to get Matt Vasgersian in as an emergency, whilst Goldie, unbeknown to everyone else, opted to stay at home and read Rime of the Ancient Mariner, the original manuscript of Beowulf, and boxercise.

-- Bob Sapp circa 2007.

So forgive Nick Diaz, won't you? Everyone needs a 90th chance.

Okay, I screwed up and forgot to do this last week, but as Mike Goldberg would probably say, "An elephant never forgets lightning strikes twice".

First of all, let's get to last game's winner, as voted on by you the Bloody Elbow reader. EliotMatheny is your winner with a comfortable 34% of the five-option vote with this caption of Brandan Schaub's KO loss against Ben Rothwell:

"Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro FI-GA-RO!!!"

IRodC and Menckenstein take 2nd and 3rd place consolation.

____________________

Here's how you play, I post an MMA-related photo and you make a funny caption. There are only three basic restrictions:

1.) No GIF editing or PhotoShops. They aren't captions, they don't count.

2.) Nothing too sexually graphic, although honestly if that's your entry then I suggest you go back to the porn you're watching on the other tab.

3.) No racist, homophobic, or sexist slurs. This disqualifies Dana White from ever winning.

Everything else goes. Movie/TV references, music lyrics, Goldbergisms, you name it. Post as many captions as you please.

Rec the funniest comments and the top 5 in rec totals go into the final poll. The deadline is 10 PM ET. Afterwards the poll goes up and you vote from there. Results are posted the following week.

____________________

This week's photo is the infamous Anderson Silva vs. Chael Sonnen staredown from two years ago, with a rematch nearing in about two months.

Good luck mutherfukers.

Many moons ago, Anton Tabuena started the Bloody Elbow FunnyBone contest. Basically he took a funny MMA photo and you made a funny caption, the winner is voted on by you and then we repeat the cycle. It's fun, it's entertaining, and Anton stopped it because he joined the staff, and their "behind the scenes" version of fun is too graphic to be shown even on 4Chan.

I'm sorta bringing it back. Basically every Friday I'll post a picture related to MMA, mostly the UFC but other orgs too, make a humorous remark, and the best ones get voted in a poll.

Three basic rules:

1.) No GIF editing or PhotoShops. They aren't captions, they don't count.

2.) Nothing too sexually graphic, although honestly if that's your entry then I suggest you go back to the porn you're watching on the other tab.

3.) No racist, homophobic, or sexist slurs. This disqualifies Dana White from ever winning.

Everything else goes. Movie/TV references, Goldbergisms, you name it. Post as many captions as you please.

Rec the funniest comments and the top 5 in rec totals go into the final poll. The deadline is 10 PM ET. Afterwards the poll goes up and you vote from there. Results are posted the following week.

Got it? Got it.

Without further ado, let's get this party started!

As it's been the most popular image amongst sports fans all week, we'll kick things off with Brendan Schaub.

Good luck mutherfukers.

UPDATE: Contest is closed. I've chosen the top 5 rec'd captions and put them up for voting. Results will be revealed next week but I'll probably close the poll once this disappears from the promoted fanposts.

I don't write post-event recaps. Today is no different. I'm here to apologize on behalf of Jon Jones for his disgraceful actions last night. They were out-of-order, unpopular with the fans, and he should really be ashamed of what he did over the span of 25 minutes against Rashad Evans. Jones is too busy getting fans, so I will apologize not just for his fight, but the last 13 months or so. I'm addressing this to the MMA fans who hate Jon Jones for whatever reason.

I'm sorry Jon Jones was too boring for you in his comfortable win over Rashad Evans. I'm sorry that he put a dent in the side Rashad's forehead that resembled a 1997 Nissan Altima being on the wrong-end of a head-on collision with a Ford Excursion. It was a 5-round decision so lopsided that anti-Jones fans out of spite gave a maximum of two rounds to Rashad on the basis of a head kick in the 1st and a right hand in the 3rd. Two judges gave Rashad one round as ammunition for anti-Jones brigades to say "HEY! Rashad took a round off of him, maybe Phil Davis can take 3!". I'm absolutely certain that the entertainment value of the fight would've improved tenfold if Jon Jones simply lost the fight. And not just any loss, a loss where he looks like he just started fighting last week and Rashad would have his way with him. Evans would have landed a right hook from hell and Jones would've dropped like a bag of sand, all whilst looking limper than your penis at the sight of an orgy in Central Park consisting of nothing but hobos and senior citizens who look like Estelle Getty. Jones didn't oblige, and I am truly sorry.

There was no correct outcome for Jones that involved him winning. The decision win was blasphemous, a quick first round stoppage would've been an anti-climactic end to a heated feud, and any form of a brutal KO or submission would undoubtedly raise questions about how evil Jon Jones is that he would willingly put his former bestest friend in the world to sleep.

I'm sorry Jones doesn't have the suspect chin that you've completely made up on the basis that Lyoto Machida kinda caught him off-balance that one time. Not once did Jones look wobbly last night, or in any of his previous fights in his career. How dare he have super-human athletic ability combined with Herculean strength AND the chin of a not Brendan Schaub? That's a crime against nature and I simply don't condone it and neither should you.

I'm sorry that Jon Jones' striking isn't really great but he has outstruck every fighter he's faced. His use of standing elbows, jumping shoulder strikes (which Clay Guida probably taught him), push kicks to the knee, leg kicks, body kicks, head kicks, side kicks, and Kix, is simply a gross "urbanization" of MMA and has no place in this sport.

But most of all, I'm sorry that Jon Jones has soundly defeated all of your heroes with minimal effort, one of the primary sources of your anger and animosity, and will do so again when he puts Dan Henderson on his back, elbows his face into a disfigured mess, and then when Jones realizes Henderson can't be knocked out, he will advance position and choke Henderson worse than David Carradine's self-submission in that Thailand hotel. Shogun, Machida, Rampage, and soon Henderson, all of your idols, all falling to this cocky, overrated, smug 24-year-old with the weak chin and suspect gas tank. I pity you because it must feel difficult to watch someone who first competed in MMA back when George Bush was headed out of office become the best in his weight class faster, better, and more quickly than any current UFC champion not named Anderson Silva must be a complete pain to see. I mean, he's not even done developing physically and skillwise! Isn't that just a bitch?

These past 13 months have been hell for the common Jon Jones hater. He's 0-4 in the trash-talking mental mumbo-jumbo of each fight preview (but he was always destined to be 0-4 in this regard), so he combats that by beating the tar out of anyone he faces. 16 rounds down, 2 submissions, 1 TKO, and a comfortable decision win later, the level of disapproval of Jones as a person and fighter has reached its zenith.

I'm sorry Jon Jones is too good for your mere mortal eyes, and your denial and refusal to accept him as the badass of 205 by reason of "He's fake! He's cocky! He's pretentious! He's a douche!" and other irrational arguments is merely humorous to Jon. He hears boos, he elbows the guy you want to win in the face really hard.

I don't know if Jones is going to do as you want him and get violently knocked out, but I'm sure he'll piss you off even more by crushing heads like cars in a junkyard. But I just want you to know, that I'm sorry on behalf of Jon Jones for what he's accomplished and what he'll accomplish in the future that will you piss you off for no sensible reason whatsoever.

Once again, sorry.

Six weeks of no UFC means six weeks of no Civil War. Well it's back so this is a friendly reminder to anyone in the BE Civil War to make your predictions! There is actual UFC going on this Saturday and it's in the land where health care is so good that doctors pay patients $5,000 just as an act of gratitude for surviving flawless open-heart surgery, the air is clean, the women are gorgeous, and features American annoyances such as IKEA and ABBA.

There are only two events left in the season so make the most of it! Luke Thomas' Beard is out to get revenge on anyone who ever doubted their ability to not finish last! Oh wait, THREE members of the team have been banned from BE? Including the captain? And we routinely have at least one deserter? And I'm leading everyone in my team in points? Never mind, we're just going to limp to the finish line.

This sucks.

#RallyForMarkHunt

Yes, TUF Live is a brand new thing in it's first season on a new network. Well so far the ratings haven't seen any substantial increase from opening night. If anything it's stagnated. This thing has gone fifteen seasons and has provided us with some of the best fighters in the world like Forrest Griffin, Rashad Evans, Michael Bisping, Nate Diaz, and it was the catalyst for Matt Serra's shocking win over GSP. And just like any other television show, no matter how much you fiddle with it, no matter how many tweaks to the program, and different casts and characters you get, they run their course with the viewing public.

Let it go.

Now.

Of course as long as the ratings hover around the million mark there's no reason to cancel it, but is anyone here really bothered if the show goes? It used to be a show dedicated to finding the best fighters/prospects outside of the UFC, putting them in groups, physical challenges yada yada yada and giving the winner a $100,000 contract. You know the story about Bonnar vs. Griffin and all of that jazz so I won't delve into it. In 2005 only the hardest of hardcore MMA fans could've known about Chris Leben, Josh Koscheck, Kenny Florian, Diego Sanchez, Forrest Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, and so on pre-TUF. Now? It's 2012, technology --as it normally does-- has rapidly advanced. The coverage of MMA is light years beyond what it used to be. There are scouting reports, Bloody Elbow, MMA Junkie, Tapology, other MMA organizations on cable and digital premium television, raw footage on Youtube, and as a result "fighter searching" becomes a hell of a lot more accessible for every fan of the sport, not just Zuffa's team. They aren't unearthing new talents, they're finding retreads. James Krause, Micah Miller, Scott Junk, Wes Sims, Mike Wessel, Rob Yundt (didn't make the show), Bryan Caraway, and countless others all have at least 1 fight under either the UFC or WEC and ended up trying out for TUF. That's not finding "The Ultimate Fighter", those guys are just trying to re-enter a Zuffa org. with a better contract than they previously had.

The up-and-comers didn't go away, they found better alternatives. Because as long as you don't win TUF and aren't even deemed worthy to get signed after elimination, Bellator, Titan FC, Strikeforce, previously the WEC, and anything else HDNet airs are decent landing spots. Ben Henderson did not make the cut for TUF 9 tryouts and went to the WEC. His purse for beating Anthony Njokuani on the preliminary card of WEC 38 back in 2008 was $5,000. Meanwhile, Louis Gaudinot, who was on the main card of the TUF 14 Finale last December, made just $8,000. Not much of a difference is it? Henderson eventually got main card time thus television viewership (not to mention the numerous bonuses he's managed), while Gaudinot is relegated to FUEL TV and Facebook. Obviously it paid off for Henderson as he's now the #1 lightweight in the world.

As a result, you have seasons like TUF 8, in which Efrain Escudero and George Roop are the only lightweights left from that turgid cast, and they're on borrowed time with losing records in the UFC. Ditto for TUF 9, as Ross Pearson is the only lightweight from that season still around. Even at welterweight it's just James Wilks and DaMarques Johnson, and it's hard to describe them as anything other than mediocre.

The Ultimate Fighter was brought up as a last-ditch effort to save a dying brand. It worked successfully and brought millions of fans to the UFC and MMA in general. It's now so bad that the UFC is hurting themselves by keeping this thing alive. There's no need to try it with women fighters, or with flyweights, or with mixed-race hermaphrodites, the show just doesn't click anymore. There's nothing discernibly different from watching Court McGee vs. Kris McCray and the Friday night Bellator tournament. Honestly? The latter is arguably more relevant and higher quality MMA 9 times out of 10. And it's also free, just like TUF, one of the many justifications for keeping it.

You had a good run, TUF. But it's time to move on. Everything has a shelf life and this show is not an exception to the rule.

After a classic fight between Frankie Edgar vs. Ben Henderson was close enough to merit a rematch, along with the Carlos Condit vs. Nick Diaz interim title earlier that February, there's been some controversy over the rise in immediate rematches. Diaz of course avoided a potential rematch by retiring from MMA because you know bro it's like, whatever man. UFC President Dana White has an idea to combat this problem: Seven round title fights. I was in Las Vegas over the weekend (and boy has a lot changed since I left there in 2005....primarily the fact that I could probably enjoy going to the Las Vegas Strip now. While there I caught up with White as a big fan of his and asked him what his thoughts were on these rematches:

"Here's the thing with title fights, they're so fucking close most of the fucking time, that five-rounders aren't enough," White proclaimed. "I know I've made the mistake of having three-rounders as main events lately and now all of them are five, but I'm definitely looking into the possibility of seven-rounders. I bet you that if you asked the average person on the street if they wanted two more rounds of Edgar/Henderson, they'd say....."

"Who the hell are Edgar and Henderson?" I interjected.

"Well no shit you stupid (redacted)," White retorted. "But these fucking fans would LOVE another two rounds of those two going to bang. Hell, I might just make all main events seven-rounds but if certain title fights are close we're going back to UFC 1 days. That's right, we're going to have no fucking time limits and the title will be decided when there's a finish."

My unlikely extended conversation with Dana White included several discussions about the UFC and MMA in general. I've included a small excerpt....

On cutting King Mo: "Listen, there are things you just shouldn't say in public. What King Mo said was utterly disrespectful to that fucking bitch and he needed to be punished. He's never allowed back in a Zuffa banner again for as long as it's still 2012."

On Dakota Cochrane: "I wish him the best outside of the UFC, it's unfortunate he didn't make it to the house, and the whole gay porn thing is really not a concern of mine......"

On Dennis Hallman: "He's injured right now so he doesn't have a fight booked but if he comes into the cage with a fucking sissy-looking Euro speedo I'm going to cut his ass that night."

On international cards: "We're going to Liverpool sometime in the Fall and we hope to set up Diego Sanchez vs. Matt Riddle. The UK people are great and they love a fucking great boxing match, they practically invented the sport as we know it, and these two are going to duke it out like Hagler and Hearns or Gatti and Ward. The air in the building will be electrified and fucking swollen when those guys throw"

On Johny Hendricks' upcoming fight vs. Josh Koscheck: "If he wins, he gets a title shot. If he doesn't win I don't give a fuck because he knocked Jon Fitch fucking senseless. He saved me the embarrassment of giving him a title shot for good, and for that Hendricks always has a place in the UFC. What he did on New Year's Eve is almost better than motorboating Kate fucking Upton."

On Mike Goldberg: "He does a great job of describing the advertisements and reading them off in detail even as the fight is going on right in front of his fucking eyes, plus his style of speaking really hits home with our Yoda speaking audience. Which reminds me, by 2014 we want to have a UFC card somewhere in Outer Space. Inter-fucking-galactic fighting is a great dream of mine, and eventually we will hold an event on The Super Star Destroyer Executor."

Yeah yeah yeah you know what day it is. You should've figured I was posting nonsense just by reading the title.

Hey there new MMA fans! If you're confused by the lack of UFC cards over the last few weeks, then kindly teleport yourself back to 2005. Afterwards, return to the present-day and realize how awesome it is to be a MMA fan and a fan of the UFC. I understand that this sport is not the easiest to follow, particularly when the UFC has never really put much emphasis on explaining the rules, grappling positions, strike techniques, etc. The majority of the terminologies you may be unfamiliar with are often spewed out of the mouths of Mike Goldberg and Joe Rogan, the leading commentary pair in our beloved organization. No need to worry, as I have got it all covered. I will break down the most uttered phrases in the UFC (okay, mostly the nonsense from Goldie and Rogan) and make it so that even the common fan can grasp it.

Striking

• Stand-and-bang. Possibly a sex position, but a phrase used to describe two fighters who sloppily trade punches with each other. It's not very technical, but can generally be fun. Perhaps one of the greatest moments of "Stand-and-bang" is Chuck Liddell vs. Vernon White, a fight in which White was knocked down 162 times but managed to almost survive a tiring Liddell, only to be knocked out by a short punch to the eye.
• Dirty boxing a la Randy Couture. When a fighter has his opponent in the clinch and punches him from short distance, whether via uppercut on the inside or holding the opponent's head and landing short hooks over the top. Please note you cannot use "Dirty boxing" without mentioning Randy Couture, as Couture apparently is the pioneer for this maneuver in the eyes of Mike Goldberg.
• ROCKED! When a power punch of any sort lands flush, a fighter is deemed to be "rocked" even when he isn't.
• PUNCHES in BUNCHES. Combinations.
• Knees reminiscent of Anderson Silva. Any Muay Thai clinch with a knee to the head immediately invokes the memories of Anderson Silva vs. Rich Franklin I and II. It's also a really stupid thing to say multiple times over, so I advise you MMA newbies not to use this as a reference every single time a fighter has the clinch.

Grappling

• Random Eddie Bravo terms. Joe Rogan will abandon any formal calling of grappling positions and submission attempts due to his long affiliation with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt Eddie Bravo and his 10th Planet gym. It's hard to pinpoint which term means what, but don't ever get into a discussion with a serious MMA fan and mention "Rape Choke", "Crackhead Control", "Gangsta Lean", or get excited over anything to do with "Rubber Guard". It is often rumored that guillotine chokes are going to be renamed the "French Turtleneck" in Bravo's gym.
• IT'S DEEP! A submission attempt that is deemed to be close to finished thus leading towards a tapout, but is only ever accurate 4 times out of 100. Noted dullard and professional troll Jacob Volkmann set a record with 37 "deep" d'arce chokes against Danny Castillo, but Castillo managed to escape every time.
• Omoplata. A shoulder-lock submission often blurted out by Joe Rogan any time he sees an inkling of a smidgen of an omoplata process. It is a move rarely ever finished in MMA and to my knowledge has never been successful in the UFC. The day there's an omoplata victory in the UFC is the day that Rogan will get an erection so hard that he'll have to thaw it out in the refrigerator at his house that night.

General Fighter Descriptions

• Explosive and Athletic. The fighter is black.
• Hardworking and Relentless. The fighter is white.
• An MMA Legend. Almost every relevant Japanese fighter who has ever fought in the UFC.
• Ever-improving. The fighter has a terrible facet of his game and the UFC covers it up by saying it's steadily improving. It is often used to describe Jake Shields' stand-up, Dan Hardy's ground game, and Matt Riddle's everything.
• Tough Battles and Setbacks. The UFC wants you to believe that they have the best fighters in the world, and that even the lesser tier they televise are all quality. This is why 90% of the time they stubbornly refuse to call losses "losses". An actual paraphrase from Matt Brown's recent fight against Chris Cope in the pre-fight buildup saw Mike Goldberg describe a list of "tough, entertaining battles" against Chris Lytle, Brian Foster, Seth Baczynski, Pete Sell, and John Howard. He went 2-3 in those fights but if you just say "tough battles" it'll always sound like he's a killer!
• (SUBJECT) 101. A common terminology Mike Goldberg has no clue how to use. You remember English 101 in high school right? Well replace the subject and put in the name of any notable fighter or a type of fighting style like judo, and it becomes a course. During Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva, Sonnen got a takedown and Goldberg shouted "Chael Sonnen 101!". Similarly, when Yoshihiro Akiyama judo-tripped Chris Leben that became "Judo 101". Any complex move, including Jon Jones' spinning elbows or Edson Barboza's wheel kick, would probably be slapped on with a 101 tag. Then again, when you listen to Mike Goldberg talk, you can understand why he can't even grasp the idea of "102" or "201".
• K-1 level striker. Above-average kickboxer.
• WAR. A term used by Dana White and Lorenzo Fertitta to describe fighters who are favorites of theirs on an arbitrary metric of "bringing it" with wild inaccurate punches and any other strike along with a disdain for ground fighting. Leonard Garcia and Dan Hardy are at the top of this list, and White also made it clear that he thought Sean Pierson vs. Matt Riddle was the best fight at UFC 124, despite Riddle landing punches at a rate worse than even Tim Tebow completing passes. Dana White goes along the lines of calling any striking slopfest the equivalent of the Arturo Gatti vs. Micky Ward trilogy. Let me say right off the bat it is March 2012 and there is never going to be anything in MMA that you can legitimately say is the equivalent of Gatti vs. Ward.
• Meteoric Rise. When a hot young prospect gets on a winning streak and makes his way to the UFC PPV main cards, Goldberg will make a point of discussing that prospect's "meteoric rise to the top". To this day, no one has had the heart to tell Goldberg that meteors also fall and crash straight towards the Earth.
• OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE. Joe Rogan's assertion that every victory is an outstanding performance, even when most of the time it's not. Similarly he likes to use "THIS IS THE BEST PERFORMANCE OF (FIGHTER'S) CAREER!" , most notably in almost all of Michael Bisping's finishes and Joe Lauzon's destruction of the vaunted Gabe Ruediger.
• UNBELIEVABLE!!! Again, a Roganism whenever a fight ends in a stoppage. Sometimes the word fits, like when Matt Serra defeated Georges St. Pierre in the biggest upset in UFC history, other times he utters it for the totally predictable KO of Tommy Speer at the french-fry grease soaked hands of Anthony Johnson. Rogan really took it too far when Jonathan Goulet was knocked out due to an unexpected gust of wind and screamed "THAT IS THE MOST AMAZING KNOCKOUT IN THE HISTORY OF THE UFC!".

Between now and April 9th there will be no UFC event. It’s a blast to the stone-age era when you used to wait 6 months between shows, much less 6 weeks. The closest fill you’ll get as far as a UFC fix is simply to watch The Ultimate Fighter Live on FX every Friday night at 9 PM, as it premieres this week. In the meantime, I’ve taken a closer look at some fight statistics for the first three months worth of shows.

Why don’t we start things off with the endings, shall we?

Percentage wise, the numbers breakdown as such:

Unanimous/Majority Decision = 38.7%
KO/TKO = 30.7%
Submissions = 22.7%
Split Decisions = 5.3%
DQ/Draw/NC = 2.6%

Not surprisingly, unanimous and majority decisions rule the roost. The finishing rate so far is 53.4%, and is on pace to be an improved percentage from 2011, which was below 50% at the halfway point for the first time ever.

Next up is the finishes by round. Have there been more stoppage victories in the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd round? What about any 4th and 5th rounders?

NOTE: The asterisk refers to Carlo Prater vs. Erick Silva, which would’ve been a first round TKO finish, but Silva was DQed for illegal shots to the back of the head. Therefore, it can’t count as a legal stoppage.

Easy numbers to digest. 62.5% of this year’s finishes have come in the opening round, 25% in the 2nd, and only 12.5% in the 3rd. Obviously of the 5 to come in the final round, two have come in the last couple of weeks, with Tim Boetsch’s comeback KO vs. Yushin Okami and Martin Kampmann’s dramatic guillotine choke over Thiago Alves. Only four fights have been five-rounders and three of them went the distance, and since the switch to five-round non-title main events, not a single one has seen a finish past the 3rd round.

This table breaks down fight results for every weight class thus far, including the recently added flyweight division from last Friday’s UFC on FX 2 card.

To refresh everyone’s memory, the two catchweight fights were Vitor Belfort vs. Anthony “Stomach Grumble” Johnson, and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson vs. Ryan Bader. Both Johnson and Jackson missed weight, and both lost.

PERCENTAGES

Flyweight: 50% OTHER, 50% KO/TKO (duh)

Bantamweight: 62.5% DEC, 25% SUB, 1 KO/TKO

Featherweight: 45.4% SUB, 36.6% KO/TKO, 18.1% DEC

Lightweight: 41.7% DEC, 33.3% KO/TKO, 25% SUB

Welterweight: 46.2% DEC, 23.1% KO/TKO, 23.1 SUB, 0.8% OTHER

Middleweight: 63.6% DEC, 18.1% KO/TKO, 18.1% SUB

Light Heavyweight: 66.7% KO/TKO, 33.3% DEC

Heavyweight: 66.7% KO/TKO, 22.2% DEC, 11.1% SUB

Catchweight: 50% SUB, 50% DEC

As easy as it is to attribute the rise in decisions to the lower weight classes (as holds true most of the time), the bulk of the decisions belong to welterweight and middleweight. In fact, 20 of 33 fights lightweight and below have ended in either a KO/TKO or submission.

Another interesting note is just three light heavyweight fights so far after 7 events. And two of those were on the last FX card. Of course, the next two cards will be headilned by light heavies (Nogueira vs. Gustafsson and Jones vs. Evans).

The final table focuses on submissions, more specifically what type of submissions are being used to end bouts.

After only two armbars in ALL of 2011 (Nate Diaz vs. Takanori Gomi and Diego Brandao vs. Dennis Bermudez) we’ve already had two plain ol’ armbars and two other variations of it. Charles Oliveira’s calf slicer win over Eric Wisely is the first in UFC history. Rousimar Palhares sports the lone heel-hook with his mangling of Mike Massenzio’s leg.

No kimuras and also no triangle chokes either, but Chael Sonnen hasn’t rematched Anderson Silva yet.

So what have we learned after 3 months? The rear-naked choke is the submission of choice, welterweights and middleweights are ruining the sport with boring decisions (as I gloss over the fact that 4 of 7 Fight of the Night awards have gone to a decision), and heavyweights tend to knock people out.

That’s it for now. I’d think of more things to explore but my brain is literally fried (in Mike Goldberg’s incorrect sense of the word “literally”). We’ll do this again with more numbers and more stats towards the end of the year.

UFC Undisputed 3 released earlier this week, to rave reviews of many. As you all know I received an advance copy many months prior to the official release date, detailing all of the game's glitches. Well now through some connections with THQ and a little bit of wiretapping, I've retrieved some early plans for the next edition of UFC Undisputed 4. I'm not entirely sure I should even post this, as this could compromise their entire developmental stage, but I'm going to gamble on them not acknowledging this the same way they don't acknowledge the fluidity of their striking graphics.

Continue reading this post »

MMA is a sport for losers. I used to love MMA until I realized I hated it. There are just so many things wrong with this "sport" I don't know where to begin. My reasoning is sound, contradictions are nonexistent, knowledge is superb, my logic is perfect, and my reasoning is as circular as an oval.

1.) Too many decisions. Go watch a typical UFC or Strikeforce fight and 45% of the time it ends in a decision. I hate decisions. They're the wimpiest form of victory ever created and it is painful to see how many decisionfest champions there are in the UFC. Frankie Edgar doesn't knock anyone out, Jose Aldo has defended his title three times by decision, but none of them beats the decision king known as Georges St. Pierre. GSP should totally stand for "Gudges Score Papers". He has had so many decisions in his career that he frequently makes his day-to-day life. St. Pierre often wakes up in the morning and decides "Do I wear a leather jacket or a raincoat?" He then drags it on for 25 minutes and then chooses raincoat, but then apologizes to his friend waiting at the door, promising to finish making his choice quicker next time. GSP is bad for this awful sport with his stupid ass lay-and-pray ways, which leads me to....

2.) The ground game is boring. Seriously, who sees grappling and wrestling as fun? I see it as pussies who are too afraid to duke it out with their fists. I think the ground game is a hell of a lot like gay porn. And as a heterosexual male who likes women (although they rarely like me back), I know exactly what gay porn probably looks like. I mean, name any straight guy who tries and then enjoys beating another guy by trying to wrap his legs around a man's face? Creepy. Not only that, but the ground game in MMA features a lot of sexual sounding terms. Lay-and-pray, ground-and-pound, back mount, north-south position, rape choke, etc. Every time I watch the ground game I feel like the dry-humping style of Cole Konrad should result in a finish of another sort. It's a well known fact that ADCC tournaments feature pre-fight lubricants. I much prefer striking, which leads me to......

3.) The striking is too sloppy. It sucks. It just does. Even at the highest level. I think it's a bunch of boxers who flamed out in that sport and came to MMA and learned a few things. These guys have terrible angles, awful punching technique, and tend to just swing wildly. Oh yeah, and MMA fighters have weak chins. I know that because most KOs end with some lucky ass haymaker landing, just like Anderson Silva vs. Forrest Griffin. I can't stand Anderson Silva. He's too smart for a worthless sport like this. I wish mental harm on him so that he takes up soccer instead.

4.) Not enough guys who WAR. You see Arturo Gatti fight? That son of a bitch could WAR. He would be in so many epic fights even beyond the Micky Ward trilogy. Who really WARs in MMA? I'm thinking Jorge Gurgel (who was smart enough not to use his stupid grappling skills and duke it out like a man), Matt Riddle, Dan Hardy, and Leonard Garcia. None of those guys can strike for beans, but they bring it. All of them have rock solid chins and bring their best every single night. It's fascinating to watch. Sure they land strikes as often as Mario Mendoza could hit a baseball, but they are warriors who WAR and should never leave the sport.

5.) Jon Jones. Someone take the horseshoe out of this guy's asshole because what a lucky prick this guy is. He trains in MMA for only three years and now he's the best LHW in the world. No one trains in any sport that quickly and becomes the best at his craft. Jason Pierre-Paul needed his entire childhood to become one of the best pass rushers in the NFL, for god's sake! Jones is cocky, fake, and I hope that Rashad Evans gives him a good ol' fashion lay-and-pray decision win so that I can enjoy watching Jon Jones lose and still find a reason to hate why he lost. He beat all of my heroes from PRIDE like Quinton Jackson, Shogun Rua, and the biggest PRIDE star of them all Lyoto Machida. I don't like Jones' fighting style because he has no jab, tries these amateurish flashy elbow thingies that belong in Karate Kid, and acts like he's all that when in reality he's only beaten a washed up Quinton Jackson, a banged-up Shogun, and an overrated novelty fighter in Machida. He hasn't paid his dues and is everything that is wrong with this sport. He's also with Greg Jackson MMA, who is my source of bitchiness when I wake up in the morning. His fight camp (if it can be called that) and his stalwart of boring and/or overrated jokes like Donald Cerrone, Leonard Garcia, Jon Jones, Georges St. Pierre, Diego Sanchez, and Clay Guida will be the death of the sport I suddenly stopped liking after Nick Diaz lost a fight.

I don't like MMA anymore. In fact I outright hate it in the same way I hate seeing Sofia Vergara's chest, puppies, kittens, food, drink, daylight, the thing that Peter Frampton used to make his guitar talk, and the ability to speak my mind.

MMA sucks. So so much. Sometime over the last few days was the straw that broke the llama's neck.