via www.seriouswheels.com

Have you ever experienced that moment of clarity, that one glorious evening that you never ever forget? If so then you understand what real magic is.

My magic night happened in the fall of 1991.

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I've always enjoyed taking pictures and have enjoyed the occasional photography discussions on this site. I've never gotten beyond the casual stage and I usually just use my phone to snap a few shots. However, I have gotten lucky a few times and captured some really cool stuff. My wife is a little concerned that I'll wind up on Hoarding someday with an eight foot stack of pictures and frames in every room. What's so wrong with taking pictures of a picture and then making a collage? She's silly.

Anyway, last week I bought an iPhone (I know, I'm several years late to the party) and have been amazed. The apps and editing that you can do is incredible. Can't believe it took me so long to step into the 20th century. If you aren't too bored by now, take a look.

My 2 year old runs. All day. Everywhere we go. He runs:

Here we are at a yogurt shop this afternoon. Minutes after Cade finished his yogurt, he ran. He's always in a hurry.

This app is awesome. It grays out the picture, then you add the color back in with your finger. I think I'm gonna quit my job so I'll have more time to work on this:

In our backyard this afternoon kicking a ball around. My daughter kicks the ball and my boy runs. Luckily, we have a steep hill so he sleeps well at night, even with Keith in the room:

Our newborn, Cash, in the living room with a tilt zoom effect. He's my retirement plan. Yes, he will play in the NFL or NBA, or maybe both. At least the PGA. He's a big boy:

The game room with tilt zoom and color spot. Yes, I wear the helmet on game days:

And, for those of you that aren't bored outta your minds waiting for something amusing: I snapped this picture of a wizard driving a T-Top. The scene was so awesome I didn't even edit it. Rock on wizard, rock on.

Fly that flaming Trans-Am to the moon wizard, and tell us your stories when you return. I'll take your picture and we'll rec the crap outta your post.

So, since November my contribution to the greater dialogue has been hit or miss, at best. I've spent countless hours pounding my head against the wall trying to figure out why. Why can't I be a better contributor? What happened to the energy? Where did the passion go? Why am I not spending 6-8 hours a day posting on DTN?

As time went by, I realized the problem was beyond my control. I needed help. I needed to find out why I couldn't contribute. I needed to bring in an expert. I needed science. Yes, science would set me free.

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Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.

You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my wife brought Claire home, I knew she was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Claire joined in later. And two weeks ago, when Claire introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the hill country together, in San Antonio, looking for Phineas and Ferb. So tonight, I make a toast!

-Alan from "The Hangover" (with a few name changed to make this post relevant)

My toast is to wolves, and the awesome shirts they have given us. I also toast the sharks, and bears, and eagles. I'm thankful for my new shirt with an eagle in the cockpit of an F-16. Can you imagine? A bald eagle flying an F-16? We would never lose another war if eagles flew our jets.

Meanwhile, back to the picture. My daughter was thrilled to participate in this historic snapshot. She made me promise not to put it on the internet. I told her I'd only show it to a few of my friends. She has her wolf shirt and Tech visor and is holding our newborn son. He's wearing a blue onesie with a sweet air-brushed wolf that scares all the other babies away. He's two weeks old and already has an iPhone. He broke the high score record on Angry Birds yesterday.

Our two year old (the short one with the same shirt as me) has been wearing his wolf shirt for 23 straight days. His shoes light up and he knows baby karate. If you see him around town, just keep walking and keep your head down. His wolf shirt is really dirty. Plus, he's at least a green belt in baby karate.

My wife snapped these pictures and right away we noticed problems with the color and clarity. I called a scientist/ghost hunter friend of mine to investigate. He inspected the pictures and came to the following conclusion:

Four people wearing a wolf shirt in close proximity can alter the space/time continuum. When this happens, photos lose their color and cats don't land on their feet. This is not common and shouldn't be a cause for alarm. Four people wearing a wolf shirt on the same patio doesn't happen very often so our country can relax. Virtually all photos and cats in America are safe, even after what happened today.

He also said not to worry about the halo over our heads. He's pretty sure it's a force field of awesomeness that was sent to protect my wolf pack. There's a slight chance it could be smog and/or global warming, but it's probably a force field of awesomeness.

This party is lame.  Plus, everybody else is leaving, then making a grand return a few weeks later.  I'm walking out now and not looking back.  I'm putting on my panda suit and smashing all the old macintosh computers in our office.  

GIFSoup

Side note: why do we still use macintosh computers?  Don't they have iPads and stuff now that can really make things easier?  An iPad would make my life easier.  I would probably not feel the need to dress like a panda and smash up the office if I had an iPad.

GIFSoup

I am so done with this place. Don't even try to stop me. I'm gone like Donkey Kong. What? Did you say something? That's what I thought. I'm out. I won't even read the comments. I'm so far gone you don't even know it. This is like the time Jenny left Forest. Peace.

GIFSoup

Don't try to stop me. Don't remind me of all the good times we had. I'm outta here, and I'm not looking back. Peace. Plus, you guys never give me more recs than you give London Raider. WTF? The dude lives in London! I should get at least a 6 rec head start for that reason only. Did you see what London did to Boston in WWII? London Raider holds the record on DTN for recs, and lil' ol' SARR toils away, trying to win your affection. HEY! LOOK AT ME! I'M A LITTLE MONKEY AND CAN TIP MY HAT! GIMME A QUARTER PLEASE! Meanwhile, LR writes something that only an accomplished author can accomplish with beautiful prose and witty comments and you guys fall all over him. Whatever. HELIVESINLONDONWHEREHTHESUNNEVERSHINESEVER. I'm outta here. You guys can have your London Raider. Have fun with your tennis that comes from England where London Raider lives.  Peace.

GIFSoup

SARR is gone forever.  Have fun with LondonRaider.  Forehand, right down the line.  Or maybe it was a backhand, I'm not sure because I like football. Scoreboard.  Peace.

What?  I'm walking away.

I'm not looking back.

What?  I thought I heard something.  What?  Really, I'm not gonna look back.

The competition this year was really stiff and I knew I was a long shot, at best.  There were some really powerful and talented dads nominated and I was nervous.  I jotted down a few notes on a napkin just prior to the announcement, just in case.  When my name was called, I was shocked.  Sure, you always think you have a chance, but it's surreal as soon as you hear your name booming over the loud speakers.  

I tried my best to act casual as I walked toward the podium.  My knees were shaking and I could feel the beads of sweat forming on my forehead.  I cleared my throat and began.  I had a few people to thank.

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Last night I dreamed that Matthew McConaughey walked into my kitchen.  With his bongos strapped to his back, he engaged me in conversation.  "Mike Leach is gone, man.  Relax, bro.  Everything's gonna be alright.  You guys are in a new era, and that era is good, bro."  Then he proceeded to treat my family and me to the sweetest bongo bangin expedition ever.

But Matthew is wrong.  Everything's not alright.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and we've spent almost two years arguing about the state of Texas Tech football.  Here's where we are.

Texas Tech Football led by Mike Leach:

Texas Tech Football, led by Tommy Tuberville:

Please, tell me I'm wrong to think that we are heading downhill fast.

63-6.
 I don't know about all of you, but I'm really pissed that I'm gonna miss out on free mini pancakes.

[Note by Seth C, 11/12/11 1:46 PM CST ] Hi everyone!  Sorry, the wife and kid and I had to do the family picture thing.  Was just a tad bit surprised at the score.  Anyway, the point of this note is to let anyone know that any type of FanPosts similar to cfraider's which just came down will get you banned for ever and ever.  It's not pretty, but don't make my sports' depression even worse.

There is a place where happiness lives.  Sunshine and puppies were born there, in a very safe and sanitary way. This place can pull the moon into the sea while dancing on the head of a pin. This place takes many forms and you can see it all over the country.  My favorite rendition happens to be just a few miles up the road.

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Third time's the charm.  

After presenting the contract & quiz in the weeks after you were hired, and then again last year before the A&M game, we're giving you another opportunity.  Please, please agree to the terms this time.  If you want us to make some concessions, let us know.  We're pretty flexible.  Sure we have some hard & fast demands, but we definitely want to come to an agreement.  We'll even give up on the whole "beat Iowa State thing" if necessary. We know how difficult that can be.  

We've even tried to pitch in on the quiz.  This year, we know you'll pass as long as you choose the answer in bold.  For real. Think of it as an open book exam.

All changes (and answers to the quiz) are in bold.  We're really trying to get on your train.  Sign the contract and pass the quiz and we'll take the speed rail to Championshipville with you.

Take a look.

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I gotta be honest.  This whole Adam James vs. Mike Leach/Team Captain/Who's Your Captain/Redemption Tour for the ol' 82 bores the juice outta me.  It seems that the argument has taken longer to wind down than the background vocals in the Stones'  Sympathy for the Devil 

Just when you think the song is about to end, Keith and Charlie pop out from behind Mick.  

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

And on and on and on and on.

So this afternoon I tried to find a diversion.  I wanted to be constructive  so I gathered my camera phone, my sweet wolf shirt, and some of my kid's stuffed animals and threw 'em in my truck.  With a full tank and a Red Bull, I went looking for trouble.

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We kicked this idea around last night on the post game thread and wanted to open it up again.  There seems to be a disconnect between Tech fans that live in Lubbock county, and those of us spread out across the country.  Maybe even across the world and into the universe.  (Tech fans on the moon are so pissed off right now)

I first noticed this in the days after Leach was fired.  We were in Ruidoso at the time and drove into Lubbock the day after he was canned.  The national radio shows were up in arms about it all and I expected to drive into a city on fire with riots in the streets.  Instead, it was all kinda ho-hum.  Tech Talk guys were actually shouting down anyone that called in to express their anger.  I was amazed that the conversations centered around how awesome it was that a guy as distinguished as Tommy Tuberville would even consider Texas Tech (this was well before he was hired, but he was interviewed and said he was interested).  When we drove back to San Antonio a day later, the radio shows outside of Lubbock were picking up on the dismay and anger again.  It was mind blowing.  

A couple of things I'd like to discuss:

1. The media guys in Lubbock are dependent on Tech.  In most cases their salaries come from Tech, ESPN, or both.  Is that having an impact on perception?

2. What happened to the emotion?  Dead silence in the stadium from the kick-off.  Where is that killer mentality?

3. Will Tuberville ever figure out that we have to play with a chip on our shoulder?  Yes, we've seen an uptick in recruiting, but we'll never out recruit UT, OU etc.  We aren't gonna win the championship because we have the best athletes.  We can only win the championship if we're the meanest SOBs in the state and if teams are scared to come to Lubbock again.  How can we make that happen?

My parents tried valiantly but they finally gave up when I was twelve years old.  They separated and were officially divorced a few months later.

My dad moved into an apartment and my mom, my brother and I stayed in our modest home out in the cotton fields. Somehow my mom made it work for a while, but the summer before my freshman year we had to move into a tiny trailer house.  Then about six months later we moved again.  And a few months later we moved again. And then again.

In each successive move, we found ourselves in a smaller space.  By the time I graduated from high school we lived in about 600 square feet, had 3 chihuahuas, paper thin walls and an aluminum roof that whistled in the wind.

None of this phased me though because I had the Texas Rangers and my clock radio.  

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This donkey might be sitting in a good place, but we are in trouble.  The fan base is split and the team can't seem to figure out who they want to be.  And our coaches look lost.

There are those that are calling for calm.  I'm sure the radio guys in Lubbock are discussing how bright the future is and how in 2014 or 2015 we're really, really gonna put it together and have a magical season.  On the other hand, there are those that are ready to burn the place down and start all over.  I'm somewhere in the middle I guess.   The offense is way too predictable, but it always has been.  For years teams knew we were only gonna run a handful of plays, but now it seems  the order of those plays is the problem.  First down: run up the middle.  Second down: 20 yard pass to the sideline to gain 3 yards.  Third down: five yard pass to James.  Fourth down: punt.  

How can we mix it up?

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I'M JIM ADLER THE TEXAS HAMMER AND I'M HERE TO GET YOU READY FOR THE KANSAS STATE WILDCATS AND GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.  NOT ONLY AM I THE TEXAS HAMMER I'M ALSO A CERTIFIED LIFE COACH!  I MAKE LIVES BETTER WITH MY WORDS!  I TOWER OVER YOUR STADIUM AND WATCH OVER YOU TO MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER.  I WEAR AN AMERICAN CAPE!  I'M THE HAMMER. GET IN LINE FOR THE TEXAS HAMMER!  I'LL BE HERE MOST WEEKS WITH MY AMERICAN CAPE AND MY FREE ADVICE SO TAKE ADVANTAGE! WHO'S GOT THE FIRST QUESTION?  YES, YOU BRANDON KELLY WITH THE HOT DOG, GO AHEAD.

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Friday afternoon we hit the road on our way to where the fun is.  Little did we know that seeing this sunset outside of Sweetwater would be the best part of the weekend.  We drove up to Lubbock to watch a game, but instead we were treated to a series of record breaking field goal attempts.  

I was glad to see some intensity return to the stadium (and tailgates) and really liked seeing Tuberville show some emotion on the sidelines.  But we need that emotion in decision making as well.  We've got to take some chances and I hope Tuberville lets that sink in.

On another note, after months of intense negotiations*, Seth finally agreed to allow me to post stories on the front page.

I came in with a lot of ideas, but you'll see the list of concessions I had to make after the jump.  He's a damn good attorney.

*Intense Negotiations=me begging and pleading and sending him some cash and a ham.

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Ok,  I saw LondonRaider’s comment and will gladly jump in it.  But, I have to jump in it with my own spin. 

So we’ll all find out why Tuberville is so awesome from a guy juiced up on HGH, donkey steroids and RedBull.  He’s also just finished a whole box of Oreo’s and his skin is a little purple. 

Because of this, he can only write in short machine gun bursts and has a tendency to ramble. Some of you may have met him Saturday night.

Trust me, this will be fun.  And kids- never, ever, ever eat a whole box of Oreo’s.  It’s not healthy.

WHY TUBERVILLE IS SO AWESOME!

1.     1.TUBERVILLE IS SO AWESOME BECAUSE HIS NAME ONLY HAS ONE B IN IT BUT YOU WOULD SWEAR THERE ARE TWO B’S I MEAN IT’S PRONOUNCED TUB-BER-VILLE BUT THERE’S ONLY ONE B IN THE WHOLE THING.  THE B MAKES YOU WANT TO HAVE MORE B’S BUT NOT TOO MANY B’S OR YOU’LL END OF LIKE BILL DANCE AND NOT BE ABLE TO CATCH ANY MORE CATFISH THAT DAY.

GIFSoup

2.     2.OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK HERE’S NUMBER 2:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IJUST TOOK AN INTERNET DUMP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

3.     3.OK, OK OK OK OK OK OK HERE GOES THAT TREY:

HE’S GONNA FINALLY WINUS THAT CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4.     4.CHECK IT OUT CHECK IT OUT:

ALLYOU GUYSTHATBITCH AND MOAN ALL DAY ON DTN WERE STILLWATCHIN THE WONDER YEARS ANDHIDIN UNDER YOURMAMA’S BED WHENTOMMY WAS FINDIN GUYS LIKE RAY MOTHERHUMPIN LEWIS AND BRINGIN HIM TO MIAMI TO PLAY AND WHEN I SAY PLAY I MEAN RIPPIN SUCKAS ARMS OFF AND THEN EATIN THE FOOTBALL THAT WAS JUST BEING CARRIED BY THAT LOSER WITH NO MORE ARMS. THEN HE FOUND A DUDE NAMED CADILLAC YOU TELLME YOU DON’T WANT A DUDE NAMED CADILLAC CRUSIN THE LOOP AND I’LL TEL YOU YOU’RE LYIN.

via dillpickleclub.org

5.     5.I WANNA HEAR A DRUMROLL:

HIS MIDDLE NAME IS HAWLEY WHICH IS BY FAR THE BEST MIDDLE NAME ANY MAMA EVER NAMED A KID I MEAN WHO WOULNDT WANT THE NAME HAWLEY? WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES I CAN PICTURE A HAWLEY FROM ANCIENT GREECE AND IT PROBABLY LOOKED LIKE THIS:

via www.nuncscio.com

6.     6.NUMBER 6.  THIS IS FRIGGIN’ AWESOME:

7.     7.RIGHT HERE: HE’S RECRUINTIN SOME BIG TIME PLAYERS TO COME INTO THE HUBCITY AND MAKE A MARKON THE HUBCITY AND BURN THE EYES OUT OF ANYONE THAT WATCHES THESE BIG TIME PLAYERS. PLUS HE’S NEVER KILLED FIVE HOOKERSLIKE CRAIG JAMES BUT THOSE BIG TIME PLAYERS BETTER GET COACHED UP.

8.     8.NUMBER 8. CHECK IT OUT: I REALLY ALWAYS LIKED HIM WHILE HE WAS AT AUBURN AND THEN NEVER IMAGINED THAT HE WOULD BE COACHIN IN TECH BECAUSE THE PIRATE WOULD BE HERE FOREVER AND I WAS REALLY PISSED OFF WHEN THEY FIRED HIM AND I STILL WANT TO GO FISHIN WITH HIM BUT HE’S NOT COACH AT TECH SO I CAN EITHER TRY TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO THINK TUBERVILLE IS AWESOME EVEN THOUGH HE STILL PISSES ME OFF SOMETIMES BUT OH WELL WHO DOESN’T PISS ME OFF I MEAN EVEN WHEN I CALL TO ORDER THE SPORTS PACKAGE IN NOT HD ON SATURDAY I GIVE MY PHONE NUMBER TO THE AUTOMATIC CABLE LADY THEN I GIVE IT TO THE REAL CABLE LADY THEN I GIVE IT TO THE REAL CABLE TECHNICIAN GUY AGAIN SO HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED MY PHONE NUMBER AND WHY DO I HAVE ALL THIS SECURITY PINS TO GO THROUGH BECAUSE HOW MANY CRIMINALS SIT AROUND ORDERING HBO FOR OTHER PEOPLES CABLE BOXES?

9.     9.HERE WE GO HERE WE GO HERE WE GO.  NUMBER 10:  I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO GET PISSED OFF AT TUBERVILLE AND ANY OF HIS COACHES BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING PAID GOOD MONEY SO THAT I CAN TAKE MY DONKEY STEROIDS AND DRINK MY RED BULL AND YELL AT THE INTERNET AND DON’T TELL ME TO STOP THE HGH BECAUSE IM GONNA TAKE IT UNTIL I GET 8 FEET TALL BECAUSE IM SICK OF BUYIN LADDERS ALL THE TIME.  AND DTN HAS PEOPLE THAT CAN SEE THE BRIGHT SIDE AND PEOPLE THAT WANT TO SEE TUBERVILLE COACH HIS ASS OFF AND BEAT TEAMS WITHOUT TALKIN ABOUT IT AND THAT’S OK.  WE HAVE THE YEN AND THE YANG AND NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET BECAUSE BRUCE LEE TAUGHT US THAT.  WE’RE STILL TECH FANS ALL OF US AND WE’LL STILL BE GETTING BEHIND THE COUCH ON THIRD DOWN FOREVER. AND NOBODY SHOULD EVER BE TOLD TO MOVE ON IF THEY DON’T WANT TO BECAUSE THIS ISN’T RUSSIA.

10.  10.I’M SO SLEEPY RIGHT NOW.

via img.ehowcdn.com

BTWBTW THOSE FIVE DUDES KNOW HOW TO PARTY

With the recent retirement of Gerald Myers, I thought it would be fitting to send him off in style.  Sure, he was an all conference basketball player and long-time coach at Texas Tech.  Sure, he ruled the Athletic Department with an iron fist and an absent mind for the better part of two decades.  And we all fondly remember his finest moment-the pep rally at the USA when he hired Bobby Knight.  What a coup!

I'll never forget the smile on his face during that pep rally.  A life's work had finally paid off.  He sat back and enjoyed the fruits of his labor.  Bobby Knight was finally here!  The only thing better was the time Pat almost beat Kansas!

But my fondest memories of Gerald are during the last 18 months as he, the chancellor, and the pony put out some of the finest literary works this side of Idalou.   I took the liberty to compile a top ten list of Gerald's quotes from the newsletters and various reporting outlets.  It's up to you to figure out which quotes are actually legit.

10.  I'm gonna go outside and chew 2 pieces of gum.

  9.  I like hot dogs with mustard.

  8.  People in Lubbock read what they want to hear.

  7.  I swear I'm gonna stab you with my fork!

  6.  These 3 slides from a very important Power Point, proving the bad assness of hills: 

   5.  I never give my coaches goals.

   4.  Two words- Grey Goose and Nyquil.

   3.  We have to finish the floors.  I'm sure there's a cost to that.

   2.  I've got a sign on my desk that says Carpe Diem.  It's an old Russian slogan that means "the customer   is  always right." 

And the number 1 Gerald quote of all time came during the Leach hearing last May in a Lubbock courtroom:

      9:15am Bathroom break.  The deuce!

Finally, to close it out, I'll leave you with an artistic interpretation of a dream that Gerald recently had.  Yes, he's retiring, and the big retirement party is weighing on his mind.  If he had his way, it would play out exactly like this.  Carpe Diem Mr. Myers.  Carpe Diem.

If you are new to DTN, you can study up on all the Gerald quotes <a target=" />here.

Don't hide under the bed.  You've gotta answer the damn door because it's not always the pizza guy- it could be opportunity!

This job market is tough.  Millions are in search of employment and the competition is fierce, but for a fortunate few the search is easy.  Those with specific talents and a unique skill set are highly sought.  The blue chip prospects are flooded with an endless barrage of offers and promises.  Like the most talented high school football stars, high performing employees are recruited heavily.  Luckily, I am one of those blue chip prospects.  I don't have to search on my own because opportunity is constantly knocking at my inbox.

Headhunters seek me out daily and have wowed me with their professionalism and unbelievable offers.  I sort through them all and daydream about the exciting career that awaits me.  Here are just a few of the career opportunities I've received.

Good day,
I am the agent of TheUSAddress company. Headhunter reported us that you are seeking for a work, for this reason I would like to propose you an opportunity to take the vacancy of Shipping Agent. Our organization deals with post transfer around the world and now our company are expanding a new staff to meet customers' requests. If you are goal-oriented, ready to work on the result, laborious, we will be glad to consider you as a candidate for this vacancy.
Our requirements are:
full legal age,
possibility to work in USA,
computer skills Word, Excel.
In return we can offer you a stable profit and career growth. If you take an interest in this vacancy and would like to know the details, please, email us at ________

In the reply, please provide your contact information to reach you.
Have a good day!

Can you say "dream job"?  TheUSAdress company has to be in the Fortune 500 and they want me!  What strikes me about this opportunity are the skills necessary for success.  I am goal-oriented and I'm always ready to work on the result.  And, my best friends will swear that I am nothing if not laborious.  I am so glad that headhunter reported that I am seeking for a work and that this great company are expanding a new staff!  When can I start!  Will I get a company car?

But the headhunter didn't stop his reporting to us there.  Headhunter also presented me with this:

Hi,

Headhunter reported us that you were searching for a job. I am the member of FWS company and would like to offer you an ability to occupy the vacansy of Financial Assistant. Our organization deals with online
website growth and promotion in Europe over many years. Now, we are expanding our interest area in USA. To meet all our customer's interests, we
need to be good organized and highly motivated command. So, we are seeking for an ambitious and responsible worker for this post. We do not require
any special education, because we believe you can do your best over the
work process. All you need is full legal age, possibility to work
in USA, a computer and relevant skills to work with it, and also will to
achieve your goals together with us.

If you take an interest in this post and would like to know more detailed information,
please, email us to __________ . In the letter, you should mention your contact
information to reach you if we need to.

Have a good day!

I am sooo interested in the ability to occupy the vacansy of Financial Assistant.  And again, I meet all the requirements.  I am good organized and highly motivated command.  I also have documentation proving my possibility to work in USA, and I can definitely do my best over the work process. I am glad they are expanding their interest in USA.  We need more expanding interest in USA!

 FWS company seems like a good fit, but there are so many other choices, including:

Hi!

We are seeking for new people who can control the correspondence in your area.

Responsibilities are accepting and sending post,goods examination and sending documents on each parcel.

Minimum requirements to employees!

If you are interested in this position reply to us sending your contact information to e-mail: _______

Best regards

Controlling the correspondence in my area? How effin' cool is that?  This could be a very sexy job!  Will I be an international spy? Do I get a special agent code name? Will my pen be a gun?  Is there a 401k?  

I am especially drawn to the fact that they are so excited about their minimum requirements to employees!  Minimum requirements!  We don't have 'em!  Come join us and be an international spy!  With a 401k and a pen gun!

 Then I heard from Diego Garcia Garcia and my heart stopped:

We have found your profile at a job board website and consider you as a promising employee.
This employment opportunity does not need for any investment and you will not need to give for anything out of your own pocket. No sales either.
Let me know if you're  concern about a part-time job via this email: _______ . Then i will send you a completed  information.

Mr. Garcia Garcia, sign me up!  Any job that does not need for any investment or not need to give for anything out of my own pocket is a job for me!  Please send me a completed information!  Can I call you Diego, or do you prefer Mr. Garcia Garcia? I am concern!

And recently, Artur Crown reached out to me:

Tom Edwards,

UK Translogic is hiring for the post of Package coordinator! IPS stands for "UK Translogic " and it is part of the TCS Micro Limited group.

As an Package coordinator, you will be working from home, as an independent  employee. We expect our Package coordinators to overseeing customers’ package sending procedures.
Salary - $40000 every year, paid in parts, every month.

If you want to know more information about this vacancy, please reply on this email. We will contact you in 1-2 business days.

Artur Crown, UK Translogic  Human Resources dpt.

Of course, I was mildly concerned that the email was addressed to Tom Edwards because that's not my name, but who cares?  $40,000 every year, paid in parts, every month?  Oh, man, the possibilities! Plus, now I know that IPS stands for UK Translogic.  I always wondered what IPS stood for.  I'll probably turn this one down though because I'm not well trained in overseeing customers' package sending procedures.  I knew I should've changed my major.

So, as you can see, my options are endless.  Headhunter reaches out everyday and does the legwork for me. My only work is deciding which sweet job to sign up for. 

Tough decisions have to be made, but I'm ready to make 'em.  My future is calling!

And when you hear that knocking on your door, make sure to answer.  It could be opportunity disguised as headhunter, or it could be Dominos.  The key is you don't know until you answer.

But it's probably Dominos.

Fleece Navitod America!  Happy New Years!  It's your old buddies from the Bell Tower, back once again to make you rest assured!

I know, I know, it's been way too long but you just can't imagine how busy we've been.  We had a huge Thanksgiving party and then all of the sudden it was the Christmas season (Fleece Navitod for all our friends from overseas!)  In between the big parties we had to wrap up a football season, get basketball started off on the right foot, and do some work on the hill.  Now don't you worry- we're gonna get that hill completed so all our student athletes will be injury free.  We had to dig a big hole to stabilize the hill, so it's taken longer than expected.  On top of all that, we've been working with the fine folks at Chuck e Cheese on Gerald's retirement party.  Shout out Chuck e!

As you know, our work is never done. Recently though, we were able to squeeze in a weekend retreat.  We wanted to get away from all the hustle and bustle, do some planning for the future, discuss our awesomeness, and recharge our batteries.  There were tons of getaways available but after careful consideration, we decided to take a little cruise.  And, since PR is our specialty, we wanted to invite some journalists to document our awesomeness and to ask the hard hitting questions.  Our social network is huge, and we could've taken anybody, but we decided to invite the Woodard and Bernstein of Lubbock media.  Yeah, that's right bitches, we took Williams and Hyatt from the Williams and Hyatt show!  This issue of MBTB is dedicated to a recap of the retreat.  Enjoy!

The Big Day-  All aboard!

10:15am:  I picked up Gerald, Pony, Williams and Hyatt.  They had a sleep over the night before at Gerald's so they were all kinda groggy.  But, the late night was constructive.  They built a fort and made waffles.  Pony slept on the trampoline and Gerald made some life decisions from inside the fort.

10:18am: Stopped at 7Eleven so Gerald could go to the bathroom and Hyatt could get a SlimJim.  I gave him a $20 and damned if he didn't spend it all!  He bought three Big Gulps, three Big Bite hot dogs and a six pack of Red Dog Beer.  He said he gets a lot of ideas for his blog from the Red Dog bottle caps.  He also bought five lotto tickets.  Williams picked up two Thrifty Nickels to read on the trip and Pony waited in the car.  He had to put his cognito head on just in case anyone spotted him.  It's still in his contract and he has discipline and he always follows his contract with discpline.

11:06am: Gerald's out of the bathroom so we're ready to hit the road.

11:18am: Hyatt keeps calling me "West Texas" and Gerald "Sunset".  He calls Pony "Pony".

"Hello West Texas, I'm from West Texas, you wish you were from West Texas, Sunset, West Texas.  Hello and greetings.  West Texas.  Rudy's West Texas.  Lady Raiders, Pony and barbeque.  West Texas.  Rudy's special sauce".  Pony. Love that West Texas Lotto.

I think the Big Gulps are gettin' to him.

11:32am: We arrive at the port and wait for our cruise liner.  We have about an hour to kill so we sit at a picnic table and engage in some small talk.  After a few minutes, Williams goes in for the kill.  He says he wants to ask me a question.  Boy oh, boy, here we go.  Let's play hardball!  Let 'em fly Williams,  I'm ready!  I clinch up my stomach muscles and grit my teeth because I'm ready for the hard hittin' action.  I'm ready Williams, fire away.  He pulls out his notebook and begins.

Williams: Will you ask Gerald if Will Flemmons is from Floydada or Paducah?  I can't remember.

Me: (confused) What?  Why can't you ask him?

Williams:  Because he will only speak in Pig Latin from now on.  He made the decision last night from inside the fort.

Me:  Oh yeah, I forgot.  I'll ask him later.  Don't you have any more hard hittin' questions?  Don't you want to know what really goes on in the Bell Tower?

Williams:  Nah.  I met Randy Galloway once.  He told me to get him some coffee.

Hyatt:  WEST TEXAS, HELLO!  God made barbeque.  Get on the PAIN TRAIN!  West Texas! I won $2!  Texas Lotto rules!

Me: Maybe you should slow down on the Big Gulps, Hyatt.

Hyatt: Gotta tweet.  Gotta send some tweets.  Look at me!  Tweetin' about West Texas!  Tweetin' about the Pony! Drinkin' the Big Gulp and doin' the tweet.  Lucky, lucky lotto.

Williams: Crosbyton has a strong team this year.

Me: What?

Williams: Idalou and Ralls.

Me: (still confused) I'm not following you anymore?

Hyatt:  Follow me!  I'm on the Twitter!  West Texas version.  Barbeque!  Doin' the damn thang!  Twitter Lotto.  Lotto Twitter. Follow me at  www.twittertwangwesttexastwittercountryladyraidersinthehousetwangtwangSwoopestwittertwang.com

Gerald: hut-way is witter-tway?

Me: Gerald, stop it!  You know I can't understand foreign languages.

Gerald: Orry-say  ister-may hancellor-chay.  I orgot-fay you are a ucking-fay oron-may from immit-day.

Me: No problem.  Don't worry about it.

Pony:  I'm hot.  This horse head hurts my ears.

Williams: Now let's vote on mullets.  For or against?  The AJ made me give up my mullet several years ago but I haven't given up on sporadic facial hair.  I've been growing a moustache and/or goatee for 22 years.  It's almost all filled in and it looks good with my new golden locks.

Hyatt: I've got the goatee too.  Makes me look tough in West Texas.  Lady Raiders!  West Texas Goatee!  Doin' the tweet thang!  West Texas Lotto king, sittin' right here in this chair!

Gerald: ead-day quirrel-say on your ace-fay.

Me: Gerald, I'm warnin' you.  I can't tell if you're cussin' your boss with that language.  Cut it out or I'll have your ass.

Pony: This bench hurts my fanny.

Williams: (back to reading his Thrifty Nickel) Sweet!  A Fiero for sale in Abernathy!  I'm buyin' that bitch!  My new golden locks will have a chance to flow!

Hyatt: Shotgun!  All-time!

Me: Damn.

Pony: What? I can't hear.

Gerald: amn-day.  Omebody-say is etting-gay aid-lay!

Hyatt:  I'm tweetin' that!  I called all-time shotgun in the new Fiero!  West Texas rules!  Tweet tha thang!

Pony: I feel dizzy.  Can I get some water?

Hyatt:  You can have one of my Big Gulps.  It's a suicide.  Pay me back.

Me: Ok, before the cruise ship gets here, do either of you have any more hard hittin' questions?

Hyatt: Yes, I have one more question:  Can you read my blog?  It's about to get shut down for lack of activity. West Texas.  Bloggin' and tweetin' from the hub city!  Bloggin' the damn thang!  Gimme two hits on my home page! 

Gimme two hits, gimme two hits mister, gimme two hits on my blog. 

Gimme two hits, gimme two hits mister, and you'll never see me no more...

Me: Of course!  I'm sure it's much better than those boatloads of stupid that perveate the web these days.  Have you seen some of the crap that's out there in Double T Nation?  Wow!  By the way, I love me some Lynyrd Skynyrd.  He was a good man.

Anyhow, speakin' of boats- here comes ours now!  Everybody line up.  I wanna get a picture before we board.  Gerald, look this way.  Gerald, look over here!  Say "Tier 1!"  Gerald! GERALD!

There it is folks!  The money shot!  My only regret is that I didn't get in the picture, but somebody had to snap it.  Besides, those idiots can't work a Polaroid like I can.  I'm a Polaroid MoatZart.  I know how to get everyone centered and in the frame.  Sure, we had our challenges, but what great photographer doesn't?  Do you think war correspondents have it easy?  I saw it all, and still delivered.  Williams' new hair was flying, Gerald was distracted by a butterfly, Pony was about to faint and I had to find a stool for Hyatt to stand on, but I got the shot.  I always get the shot. 

If you squint real hard, and look above Pony's cognito head,you can see our beautiful cruise liner off in the horizon. It's so beautiful that you can hear music just by looking at it.

Yes, the cruise liner and retreat was only a paddle boat ride at Buffalo Lake, but that's the point.  It's amazing what a little West Texas humility will do for one's expectations.  Some of you hear the word "cruise" and in your mind's eye you immediately see Caribbean islands, casinos and endless buffets.  Those of us in Lubbock, however, know how to manage our expectations.  We had a great time paddllin' around Buffalo in our four man paddle boat.  Who needs Carnival to have a good time?  We've got a four man paddle boat!  Fortunately, Williams and Hyatt are kinda small so all five of us fit.  And, lucky for us, Williams and Hyatt don't ask any questions.  They have respect for their superiors.  They let us manage their expectations.  We set the tone.  We spoon it out, and they lick it up.  Like little kitties. 

They would never ask why the new football coach deserves a 33% raise after finishing 5th in the Big 12 South.  Sure the unemployment rate is over 9%, and millions haven't gotten a pay increase in years, but who cares?  Anybody that doesn't see the justification is stupid.  They aren't concerned that Bobby's son makes $150,000 per win.  He works hard and deserves every penny! 

Do you see how this works?  We're sellin' you a paddle boat at Buffalo Lake and tellin' you it's a cruise!  Lick it up little kitties!

Do you really expect us and our journalists to understand that a fan base consists of thousands of opinions, and all of them can be legit? Why, that's just stupid. 

That's boatloads of stupid. 

I had a dog for about ten years.  He was a good dog.  Sure, he embarrassed me on occasion, but he was mine.  I hated it when he would eat the curtains and crap on the carpet, on my side of the bed.  I quickly learned to turn on the light and survey the landscape before stepping down.  He was so strategic, the Pentagon could learn a lesson from him. I wish I had night vision goggles to counter his strategic mind.  He knew where to crap, and he knew who was most vulnerable.  My dog surveyed the landscape.  My dog was cerebral.

And no one will ever forget the time he tried to hump my neighbor's kid.  But, who could blame him?  This kid was crawlin' around, looking cute, drinking his bottle.  I know, I know, it's not the politically correct thing to say, but the kid was asking for it.  Luckily, when the conquest was in its earliest stages, there were enough parents around to yell profanities at the dog, swing their wine glasses, and shame him into sulking off into the garage.  He looked so sad.  His shoulders drooped.  It was a bad night but the baby was fine.  He had some pasta and a juice box.

Usually, my dog reserved his attempted conquests for adults.  You're sitting at my table having a drink?  Yeah, your leg is gonna get humped.  Trying to relax in front of the TV?  You better be carrying a stick, because you're gonna get dry-humped by my dog.  Unloading the dishwasher?  Watch out, here comes the Dirty Ol' Yeller! That's what he did.  He was a dog.  He tried to hump things, but he was my dog, and I loved him.

The embarrassments were real.  Every couple of years I knew I would have to smooth over a ruined dinner party or  pay for new curtains, but the highs always made up for the lows.  He was original. He could fly through the air like an eagle, trying to catch his frisbee.  He was great with the kids and they would spend hours throwing things at him.  Always throwing.  Always trying to make a catch.  Running the frisbee was an afterthought.  I guess you could say my dog was a success.  Did he win any Dog Show Competitions? No.  Did he win any "Favorite Dog on the Block" trophies?  No.  He couldn't even put a sensible bark together, but he was a success.  He was the best dog I'd ever had, and he caught more frisbees than any dog I'd ever seen.

Last December, my dog got hit by a bus and he's gone.  But, don't feel bad for him.  He lived a good life, and he went out in style.

He was trying to hump a squirrel when the bus bore down on him.  I take comfort in the fact that he went out with a smile on his face and a conquest under his paws.  The squirrel? Not so much. The squirrel's family doesn't like to talk about it. In fact, the squirrel's family  hired a lawyer and a PR firm.

Now, we have a new dog.  My kids love him.  He doesn't dry hump anybody, but he's a total people person. He loves the camera!  He seems to pose whenever my wife is snapping pictures.  Everybody in the neighborhood loves him too.  "You're new dog is so great!  He's never tried to hump my baby or my cat".  "What a great dog!  He runs and runs and runs and runs and never gets tired.  I just want to grab him by his big ears and squeeze him!"  He goes out every morning and runs through the neighborhood, telling all the other dogs that he is going to win the dog show.  He talks a lot for a dog.  He likes to talk about winning the dog show.

I'm trying.  I'm trying to love my new dog.  There are so many great things about him.  He has an impressive pedigree and he came from a great family.  His ears are so soft and fluffy. If I squeeze them together and spin I could launch him like the hammer-throw in the Olympics.  I want to love my new dog!  I want to throw him and set a new World Record!

But here's the rub-I still like my old dog.   He was an idiot.  He humped cats and squirrels and got hit by a bus. He didn't always make a great impression but he got results.  Sometimes he would get stuck under the couch with a pint of Egg Nog, but he got results.  I miss him.  I miss my old dog.  I miss my old, drunk, squirrel humpin' dog.

My new dog is great, but he's not my old dog, and he never will be.  I'll still feed him, though.  And he is my dog now, so I want him to do well.  I want my new dog to win the dog show.

But, more than anything, I want my new dog to steal my vodka and try to hump a squirrel.  Take charge new dog!

Stop being such a show dog, new dog!  Hump a cat! Try it new dog!  Step out of your box!  You'll never be Governor of Texas, so what the hell!  Enjoy yourself and have fun!  Drink the Egg Nog!  Drink my vodka! Take a squirrel under the bridge! 

I want a crazy, squirrel humpin' dog!  I want my new dog to enjoy vodka and squirrels/cats/babies/legs. I want to watch my new dog throw up on the side of the road, and then later the same day win the dog show.  Is that too much to ask?

 Oh, and the Christmas part of the title?  I just threw that in to tug at the heart strings.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone reading DTN.

Get drunk and commandeer a squirrel, new dog!

Revised Contract & Agreement

Effective October 29, 2010 this Agreement and binding Contract (the "Agreement") sets forth the agreement between Tommy Tuberville (hereinafter referred to as "Catfish Jesus"), the group of pissed off fans (hereinafter referred to as "Buzz Killians") and the group of optimistic fans (hereinafter referred to as "Sunshine Pumps").  Collectively both fan groups (Buzz Killians & Sunshine Pumps) will be referred to as "DTN"

In order to appease the diverse and expanding fan base (DTN), Catfish Jesus agrees to:

1.     Win games.  We're not kidding.  Rebuilding is for towns hit by a hurricane.  We don't have hurricanes.

a.     Beat UT (hereinafter referred to as "You can take a nap on 35 any day of the week") next year.  We're not quite to that 20% threshold yet.  We pissed away a great opportunity in 2010.  Don't piss away opportunities.  UT might lose 5-6 games this year and DTN wanted to make fun of them for it.  Don't rob us of our joy.  We're petty and small.  So what?  UT sucks.

b.    Beat A&M (hereinafter referred to as "Alumni responsible for 97% of maroon automobile sales in the US and Guam") tomorrow.  Wes Welker, Robert Johnson, BJ, midnight games, Nenemiah, Zach, Javorsky.  C'mon dude.  This is not just another game to us.  See above.  We want to make fun of Aggies next week.  Aggies suck.

c.    Beat any other teams on the schedule, including the  mighty Iowa States.  Cyclones suck.

2.     Win championships.

a.     Let's start by winning tomorrow.  Then we'll worry about the next game.  Then the next game.  Let's win the Aggie Bowl Championship.  I'll even send you a belt buckle and a trophy.  We want this game.  Aggies suck.

3.     Ensure that student athletes remain students and graduate.

a.     Exhibit A: We know about Hanspard.  He kept us from a bowl.  Make the kids go to class, and graduate BUT, LET'S BE CLEAR, DTN WANTS TO GO TO A BOWL.  Accomplishing both is possible.  We remember.

b.    Exhibit B:  Tell us what Scott Smith did and let us vote on his reinstatement.  Maybe we could have him sit in a desk at the 50 yard line for a few hours?  A shed?  Did he fold you up and put you in his pocket?  C'mon, what did he do?  Let's get him on the field.  He eats ferrets.

c.     Exhibit C: Suspend players if they fall asleep in the Taco Bell drive thru, donkey punch their girlfriend, or have a 0.0 GPA.  Otherwise, let us vote on their punishment.  We have earned that right.  We're good with the polls.

4.     Fix our administration.

a.     While impossible to accomplish while employed by the university, Catfish Jesus agrees to shed light on the incompetence in the Bell Tower after he leaves the university. 

b.    Catfish Jesus will write a book filled with jokes about Gerald Myers (hereinafter referred to as "Mustardo Jimenez") and Kent Hance (hereinafter referred to as "Silent Scare."). 

c.     The book shall include graphic illustrations and charts & graphs.  DTN likes charts and graphs.  DTN gets distracted easily.  We know Craig James (hereinafter referred to as "I can't even think of an apt description for this meat stick" ) has pictures.  Include those.

d.    Don’t charge $7.50 for a beer at fundraising events.  This isn’t a rich state like Alabama.  DTN is on a budget.  In fact, skip some of the fundraising events and help your young coordinators figure out what the hell they are doing.  Maybe you could pitch in on special teams too.

e.    Keep the Silent Scare on the scouting reports.  He did pretty well preparing for the Baylor game.  He called the onside kick danger, fake punt, and identified RGIII as a potential threat.  He has a future in scouting.

5.     Read the DTN Blog daily.

a.     There is lots of free advice and coaching strategies.  DTN members are here to help.  DTN members are football geniuses.  Several DTN members will be in the hall of fame someday, and most played high school football.  Some still wear their letter jackets.

Assuming all stipulations are met, DTN expects you to retire in Lubbock.  See: Attachment A: A Case Study of David McWilliams (hereinafter referred to as "Kiffin before Kiffin was Cool").  Don’t even think about trying to pull that.  But, if you do, make sure we can get Dana Holgerson (hereinafter referred to as "The Bald Mullett Ballet").  Pull some strings and get that dude back in Lubbock.

6.  Get us back on TV.

a.  DTN is tired of internet feeds and poor radio transmissions.  In order to do this, you will need to:

      i. Put an exciting product on the field and win.

      ii. Say some crazy shit.

b.  We want to try and get Musberger drunk.  We can't do that over the internet.

In return for adhering to all of the above, DTN agrees to:

1.     Cheer for the team.

a.     When attending games in person, DTN will tailgate, eat as much as possible, and carry a flask in their boots.  This is common practice.  DTN will do more of it.  Some will even follow you to Boulder, even if Ray Lewis isn't there.

b.    When not attending in person, DTN will wildly pace their living rooms and yell loudly until the kids cry.  It will be necessary to keep the windows closed so as not to scare the neighbors.  Some will make their father-in-law lay on the floor with one foot on the coffee table.  Some will listen to the game in the garage, refusing all urges to drink another beer.  Some will change shirts several times during the game.  This is DTN's way of helping the team.  You can thank us later.   Several DTN members will pass out at their computer while trying to type funny shit after the game.  Don't worry about this.

c.    DTN will also post 2000-3000 comments in open gameday threads.  Don't read these.  They will make you cry.  We don't want our head coach to cry.  Man up.

2.     DTN will spell your name with only one (1) B.

a.    Tuberville

b.    Tuberville

c.     Tub-er-vill-e

d.     Tubs

e.     Tuby

f.       Tu-b-er-vi-l-le.

3.     DTN will refrain from using these phrases:

a.     You better win or we’ll make you walk the plank.  Wish we had that Ruffin defense!

b.    The captain would not have done that.   White helmets really do keep our heads cooler.

c.     Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean?

d.    Would you like some Captain Morgan with your coke?  ARRRGGHHH you stupid f__!!!

e.    I love me some Cap'n Crunch.

f.    I'm dressing as Captain and Tenille for Halloween.

4.     DTN will petition to remove all Vince Gill songs from Lubbock.

a.     Mr. Gill closely resembles the former coach, Mike Leach (hereinafter referred to as "Krunck")

b.    His songs aren’t that good anyway.

c.     That golf cart video with George Jones was pretty cool.

However, DTN reserves the right to:

1.     Boo if Catfish Jesus punts.  ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE DOWN BY 10 WITH 2 FRIGGIN MINUTES LEFT!

2.     Insist that Catfish Jesus keeps a passing attack. Screw that.  Just score.  Run it, we don't care.  SCORE!

3.     Insist that Catfish Jesus call a timeout in the final minute of a game to score another touchdown against the Maroon Tahoe Alumni Club.  You better pay attention to this.  This is critical.  We'll be watching tomorrow.

4.    Get pissed off and repost old contracts and rants about the glory days of mediocrity.

5.    Buy a Pony voodoo doll and cook it in the microwave.

6.    Bitch about 2nd down draws.

7.    Scream SHOCK THE MONKEY for no apparent reason.

8.     In addition, DTN reserves the right to refrain from calling you "The Riverboat Gambler".

a.     Lubbock has no rivers.  

b.    Gambling is illegal. 

c.    Your gambles have been a big hit on YouTube- in a bad way.

d.    "Gambling" is going for it on 4th and 5 from your own 18 in the 4th quarter, not calling for the victory formation out of the shotgun.

e.    As such, DTN thinks it’s wise to move slowly here.

Having all parties adhere to the stipulations in the contract will ensure success and happiness.  This agreement shall be binding upon the parties, their successors, assigns and personal representatives. Time is of the essence on all undertakings. This agreement shall be enforced under the laws of the state of Texas.   

         This is the entire agreement.

         Signed the day and year first written above.  Sign it this time.

           Catfish Jesus: __________________________________

           DTN :             ____________________________________                 

                                        Matador Intelligence Quiz

                     Designed to gauge your Texas Tech and West Texas Bona Fides

1.      You've given up  touchdowns on onside kicks in two consecutive weeks.  How do you address the problem?

a.    Practice onside kicks during the week and watch films.

b.    Tell the fans not to get up for popcorn because they're gonna see some excitement during kickoffs.

c.     Start the game with an onside kick and dance on the sideline like Yosemite Sam.

d.    Punt.

2.     You lose a game that you should have won.  This is a surprise to DTN because we were sure the "one bad loss" moved to Florida.  Who's to blame?

a.    Wind

b.    Cold

c.     Ray Lewis & Michael Irvin.  And Krunck.

d.    Boise State.

3.     When is it suitable to line up in the victory formation and take a knee?

a.     When you are up by at least 10 points with a minute left.

b.    When you are up by 3 with a minute left in Boulder.

c.     When you are up by 48 points with a minute left.

d.    NEVER.  THIS IS A HINT. NEVER EVER.

4.    Your wife wants to take a quick trip this weekend and get out of town.  Do you:

a.    Fly to Arkansas and hunt a duck.

b.    Squeeze in a few fundraising lunches.

c.    Tell her to shut up because you're trying to win that championship.  She can go to KK's Craft Mall.

d.    Make the quick drive to Ruidoso and enjoy the mountain air.

5.    How do you pronounce Ruidoso?

a.    Rooy-dough-sew

b.    Rio-Dosa

c.    Who cares?  We only pronounce cham pee yon ships around here.  Multiple.

6.     What’s in the flask?

a.     Bourbon.

b.    Vodka.

c.     Rum.

d.    Yep. Water.

7.     It's halftime and you're getting interviewed by the crew from the Oxygen Network.  What do you say?

a.    We just gotta get the running game going.

b.    We need to run the ball better.

c.    We should run more.

d.    We're gonna score 50 points in the 2nd half, and kick their ass.  Then I'm gonna go raise another $25 million tonight.  Then I'm gonna give you a call and you're gonna have dinner with me.  Take it to the bank, sweetie. 

8.     Quick, choose one:

a.    War Eagle

b.    Mystery Yelling Face Painted Girl

9.     You need some new jeans to wear with your shiny Double T boots.  You usually wear a size 26x34.  What size jeans should you buy at Dollar Western Wear?

a.     26x34

b.     26x38

c.      26x52

d.    Seriously?  A 26 inch waist?  Lets get you a chicken fry.  No wonder you're always so damn cold and the wind blows you down.  Get your winter coat on son.

10.  Essay Question:

How does a Poison concert in the 80's relate to college football in 2010?  Explain.

Answer: Everybody scores.  Even C.C.  (hereinafter referred to as Mississippi State)

2010 is all about scoring on offense.  Sure, get you a good defense, but you've gotta score 30+ points to have a chance to win.  Modify your view of the football landscape.  Your former Auburn team scored 65 points a few weeks ago because they had to.  In today's college football you better be able to score.  Screw clock management.  Screw the victory formation.  Outscore your opponents and we'll buy you a breakfast burrito (breakfast taco if you are south of the taco/burrito divide).

Signed contract and completed quiz should be faxed in by midnight. We will  contact you soon to discuss the results.  Thanks for taking care of this, it will really help us at DTN.

We can make changes.  It starts with rolling the eff out of A&M!

Aloha means hello! Guess who's back to save the day? Jiggidy Jiggidy!

First things first. In case you missed it, September was Hispanic Heritage Month. To honor that, we thought we'd sprinkle some authentic Hawaiian words and phrases throughout this special edition of Musings.  Ohana means family! 

Hula Hoop!  Pineapple!

Book 'em Danny!

Blue!

And of course, aloha!

As you know, we've been busy over the last few months but felt it was necessary to reach out to you, Double T Nation, and ease your worried minds.  You've been through a lot.  You're frustrated.  You're tired.  Well, we're here to fix it.  We're here to make you feel better.  We're here to shock the monkey.

We can accomplish that with our soothing, authentic words.  By the time we're finished, the monkey will be shocked.

As always, we have some leadership advice from the Chancellor, Pony's movie review, and a new, digital version of Conversations with Gerald.  Enjoy!

Hance on Leadership:  Stop the Damn Cussing

I've put up with this for long enough.  Stop all the damn cussing during songs.  You think you are at the game to have fun?  Quiet down and concentrate.

That Jolly Roger sumbitch cussed me and look what happened to him.  You don't think I can fire a student?  I'll fire all of ya.  Lemme ask ya somethin'. Who is the only person to ever beat George W. in an election?  Kent Mother Humpin Hance, that's who. I got the chops.

The last thing I ever expect to hear at a football game is a dirty word.  Same goes for the internet.  Cussin' on blogs is bullshit.  Cut it out.

We've got plenty of water in the stadium now.  Next week I'm bringin' the soap and we'll get your dirty mouths cleaned up directly.  Line up.

Ok, so now that I've got the housekeepin' out of the way, let's get on to the fun stuff!

Not sure if you've heard, but our football team is going through some rough bumps. I decided to help where I can.  Gerald also pitched in, even though he's been real busy.  He's been meticulously packing up his ceramic penguin collection.  You've gotta be extra careful so their cute lil' beaks and flippers don't break off.

Anyhow, Coach Tuberville put me in charge of advance scouting.  Here's what I came up with for those mighty Baylor Bears:

Offensive Tendencies:

1. Robert Griffin III is good.  Watch out for him running the ball, or passing the ball, or both.   He's real fast.

2. Be very glad you didn't have to face Robert Griffin II or, heaven forbid, Robert Griffin himself.  That woulda been ugly.  We are lucky to only be playing the III.

How to stop a bear from running loose:

1. A tranquilizer gun.

2. A trampoline.

 We've been breaking down this video all week.  It will really help our defense:

 Keys to the game:

1. Stop Robert Griffin III.

2. Score more points than Baylor.

3. Watch out for fake punts.

4. Don't let them score if we kick an onside kick.

Follow these points and we win!  You're welcome!  Shock the monkey!

Craig's Corner

I'm not even gonna pretend to review Avatar.  The movie was stupid.  Giant blue people?  Really?  And how did that lady avatar's boobs not pop out when she was jumping through the trees?  Not realistic at all and slightly disappointing.

Anyway, coach, I need you to call me.  I've been trying to reach you but can't get through.  You won't answer my emails.  I twitter.  I poked you on Facebook.  I left a note on your car, nothing.  This is ridiculous, we need to talk.

This is not what you promised me.  You don't think I saw you send my boy over the middle in the Texas game?  You don't think I saw that cheap shot by Gideon?  Is there any player on that sideline that was more jacked up for the game after what happened in '08?  And you sent my boy over the middle?  I was so mad I said "fanny" on TV last week, without even using air quotes.

I know for a fact that Gideon had live ferrets with coffee for his pre-game meal.  What's the big deal, you ask?  Because ferrets kill COBRAS!  Ferrets are little, tiny warriors, and Gideon ate two of them!  With COFFEE!

Screw the mongoose and the lion.  Ferrets are the real deal.

You need to call me.  We need to get this worked out.  Or just poke me.

Conversations with Gerald

If you're anything like me, you're tired of all the reading.  Reading and writing is for losers.  Who has time? 

So, with that in mind, we've gone digital!  My interview with a living legend, Dr. Lou, is just a click away.  This is so good we're gonna play it on our new big screen before the Oklahoma State game!

Shock the Monkey

I'm sure you're curious.  "What is all this shock the monkey talk?"  "Sure, I've got the Pete Gabriel song on my cool jams playlist, but what does it have to do with my Red Raiders?"  Let me explain.

"Shock the monkey" is a phrase we throw around in the Bell Tower to deal with crisis control.  We also use it clear our minds and identify potential trouble on the horizon. "Shock the monkey"  helps crystalize our most pressing opponent and/or need. For example:

Lose a game we shouldn't have? - ZAP!  Shock the monkey.

Bobby Knight is in trouble?  We head down to the Market Street Salad Bar and BAZAAM!  Monkey is shocked.

Playing Baylor?  ZIPPO!  Lightning bolt on the way, headed straight for that bear's ass.  I am a palm reader and I see a monkey shocking in your future.

Disgruntled fans? BAZOOO!  Buy 'em a bigger TV.  What's that buzzing sound?  Oh yeah, it's that monkey gettin' shocked!

Grandma is dehydrated at the SMU game?  STADOOSH!  As Charro would say, "Chocka da Moonkay!"

Got left out of conference expansion talks?  MIZZOU! Can you spell Shock the monkey?

Court date with the pirate on Friday? POP!  Case closed.  We shocked the monkey.

We shock the monkey to solve all our problems, and it works.  Everytime.

So, it's time to bear down.  We haven't beaten Texas more than 20% of the time yet.  Or Iowa State.  But, we can beat Baylor if we properly shock that monkey.  

Of course, "shocking the monkey" is only a figure of talk.  We don't actually shock a monkey.  Go ahead lil' monkey.  Finish your banana.  It's ok.  Don't be scared.

Join us Double T Nation!  Join us as we figurely shock the monkey! 

Prepare for the always optimistic Tech fans that will chastise any negative comments. 

Prepare for those fans that throw Leach into the coversation.  "Leach was 2-2 at this point last year."  "Leach lost games he shouldn't have."  "Leach lost his team last year."  "One time Leach lost a game to a vastly inferior team, and then he made them eat ice-cream."  "One time I saw Leach kick a puppy."

Prepare for the sunshine pumping fans.  Most of them live in Lubbock and adapt.  They always adapt.

God bless 'em.  There will be several that show up at the airport tonight to welcome the team home.  "We are proud of you, (clap, clap) say, we are proud of you."  I'm glad they're there.  This team needs support.  I remember they were cheering like crazy when Leach lost all those games.  They did the wave at the airport!  2 bits, 4 bits, 6 bits a dollar!  I think security even let them click the crap out of their clickers. 

But here's the issue, right now. For anyone that has a competitive bone in their body, optimism as our only accomplishment, should be an embarrassment. I love Texas Tech.  I love Texas Tech Football.  I am grateful for the dedication from these players and coaches.  I would welcome any of them into my home, no questions asked, and cook them a chicken. But, we have major, major problems.  I will never be satisfied with "Well, at least we played hard", again.  Screw that.  We are better than that.

I watched this game on FCS and it was humiliating.  My buddies kept asking me to flip back to the Oregon/Stanford or Alabama/Florida or even the effin' USC game.  They were shown in HD but the Tech game was only shown in standard format.  I know, it's a ridiculous point, but valid.  I felt like I was trying to watch the JV game while everyone else wanted to watch the big boys play.  It seemed like only yesterday we were in playing in prime time.  What happened?  Why can't we play in HD anymore?  Why are we suddenly the JV game? Why aren't we relevant?  And, most importantly, why are we getting our asses kicked in Ames, Iowa?

I know the answer. It's the head coach.

Tuberville's time has passed.  He had one magical season in 2004 (when the rest of the SEC was down) and he's become our Katfish Jesus.  But in the last few years he hasn't shown an ability to adjust to today's game.  He struggled in his last 2 years at Auburn and he is struggling now.

I've seen him called "The High Plains Drifter" and Clint Eastwood posters are floating around.  I think the title is apropriate.  He's drifting.

His offense drifts.

His defense drifts.

His special teams drift.

His entire team drifts. No emotion.  Maybe they are tired.  Or cold.

There is no identity, nothing to hang your hat on.  Sure, we are only four games in, but really?  We really gave up 52 points to Iowa State?  We saw a fake punt, and an onside kick returned for a touchdown?  We got gashed, all night in Ames friggin' Iowa?

This team is LOADED.  Offense is loaded.  3 QB's started a game last year.  3 stud running backs.  A full crop of receivers. Solid young defensive lineman (with Whitlock as the anchor).  Senior Linebackers.  Athletic secondary.

At this point, 4-0 wouldn't be a surprise, but 3-1 is mandatory.  Quit drifting. Quit effin drifting.

You can throw Leach's shortcomings at me all you want, but he never had a losing season.  Tell me how bad he lost his team in any year, but he always righted the ship.   He never drifted.

He was never, ever the high plains drifter.

Quit drifting Tuberville.  Right the ship.

Today was a great day because a good friend of mine came home. He's been down in the Dominican Republic (his home country) for the last 6 months starting a new business.  It's great to have him back. 

He brought me an electric tennis racket that fries mosquitoes and bugs when you swing at them.  It's called the Electric Mosquito Trap and it's labeled a family helper. There's a warning that reads while using, don't touch the wire side.  I am reading this straight from the package.  It's red with a picture of several dead mosquitos and it takes 2 double A batteries.  It has a picture of a baby with the Ghostbusters cross through his face. This isn't a toy!

I couldn't believe my eyes, because this is the greatest invention ever. Hours of fun just swatting at bugs like Nadal!  I'm not kidding.  I'm gonna swing it like Nadal!  Up yours McEnroe! I've got an electric racket!

I had to hide it from my kids because it's pretty ominous looking, but I can't wait to try it out. It has hot wires in the webbing.  I'm gonna burn some shit with this!  My dog better hide or she'll have electric racket burns on her ass by the time school's out! 

I wonder-can it cook bacon?

And, of course, he also brought me the greatest gift ever created in the Dominican Republic- RUM.

Dominican Rum.  God's gift to lips.  Brugal.  It's the brand name but I think it means honey in some ancient, romantic language.  "Can I pour you some Brugal?"  "Two fingers or three?" I can see Sinatra saying that to Ava Gardner.

So, being the good friend I am, even to Dominicans, I had a couple of drinks.  I don't want to be rude.  Besides, we live in a politically correct world.  "Have a drink!  Have some Dominican rum!  Where are the limes?  You're standing on my foot. Where's Ava? Fry that mosquito with your electric Nadal racket!"

So I had a couple of drinks.  I swing my new racket around and then I had one more.

And that's when the answer hit me.  After a couple of drinks, and one more, the answer to the Katfish's problems hit me.

I know how the Katfish can be a roaring success.  I jotted it down in about 200 words.  Katfish better read this. It won't take long.

I admit, I first posted this on Seth's  9/29 RRG, at the bottom, but I'm afraid no one will see it.  So much action going on in the DTN these days.  A few glib comments made today will disappear tomorrow.  You've got a funny joke at 2?  It's gone by 3.  Someone posts a picture?  You better look at it quick, cause it's gonna be history soon. 

Oh, the downside of success.  Seth's DTN is one of the most fluid sites on the whole internets.  So I wanted to post my wishing well on top in hopes that it would survive for at least a day.    Only the strong survive.  Katfish, this is strong, and this is my wishing well.

Who am I kidding?  This wishing well belongs to all of us:

I remember reading the "Crabtree effect" and I think it’s probably happening on the defensive side of the ball now. I just don’t want to wait.

In today’s NCAA, you have to have a good offense. And, more often than not, you have to have a GREAT offense.  Few games are won 6-3 in today’s world. Katfish needs to realize that.

The SEC has been dominating, but the offenses of the winnning teams in the last several years have been no slouch. Quick, name a defensive player from Florida. No?

OK, how about naming their QB from 2006-2009?

Hint- it rhymes with "Rebow".  He walks on something.  Something that rhymes with "Potter".

How about Russell? Ingram and Richardson? Bradford? McCoy? Harrell? Pryor? Robinson? Newton? Mallett? Luck? Oregon?

We can bicker all we want about run vs. pass but it boils down to outscoring your opponent in 2010. And beyond. We aren’t going to win any championships with shutouts or 3-2 victories.  C'mon Katfish.  You've gotta see this!

I heard Herby the Doosh yesterday saying that Texas is gonna abandon the running game and go back to more of a spread attack. Meanwhile, we’re bound and determined to run the ball down their throats and win with defense.  Why?  This is two thousand and friggin' 10.  Score!  Pass, run, reverse, flea-flicker, fake punt, who cares?  Just score!

More than anything, I want the Katfish to be able to adjust. Adjust to what will bring us success right now, not what brought you glory at the "U" and the War Eagle.   I don't give a shit where Ray Lewis played his first game.  Score.  Alot.  Now.

If we have to score 50 points a game, I want him to find a way to make it happen. I’ll carry him on my shoulders and let him kiss my wife (on the cheek) if he does.  We could probably go about 59 yards before I have to put him down, but I hope someone films it.  I wanna see it on YouTube.  I wanna carry Katfish on my shoulders and have it broadcast on YouTube.

I want a dominating defense. But we MUST have an offense in 2010 and beyond.  We will never win a championship with a D that shuts out 10 teams.  Why?  Because no one does it anymore!  Defense is great, and I'm glad it's here, but Katfish:

Offense wins championships.

Welcome home Antonio!

By the way, you might need to start bringing back more rum.  It inspires me.  Just like Terence Trent D'Arby.

US

Pronounced "us."   Rhymes with "ill repute."

We are the little guy that got overlooked.  We're not the fastest or strongest.  Lord knows we're not the smartest.  We know because you tell us.  You always tell us.

Yes, we have a big chip on our shoulder.  We don't like being told what to do, especially when someone tells us we can't.  Tell us again.

Yep, we're rowdy.  Sometimes, even downright embarrasing.   Football teams don't like playing in Lubbock.  Some wish that was not the case. Some wish we were more welcoming, but it's not gonna change.  Why?  Because you keep telling us to change. You want us to be nicer.  You freely share your advice with us on ways we can improve our reputation.  Ways we can be more like you.  Hell, even our Chancellor wants us to be more like you.  He wants us to be quiet when you have the ball!  How sweet.  Some students are probably gonna get kicked out of school because they said the F word at the game.  Too bad.  Onward and upward!

We've been knocked down, too many times to count.  And yes, we'll probably get knocked down again.  But we'll get up.  We don't have a choice.  We always get up.

We do more with less, every day.  We have to.  We don't have championship rings but we're proud of who we are.  And, more importantly, we're proud of where we're going.

UT

Pronounced "Ut."  Rhymes with "Hut" or "Beergut".

You're indifferent.  So indifferent that you feel the need to point it out, constantly.  "We're indifferent."  Yawn.  Stretch.

You don't have a chip on your shoulder.  You don't have time for a chip and besides, you're shoulders are so damn big, you can't even see them.

You''re condescending.  You don't lower yourself to the level of those people.  You're the Ut!  You can't imagine having to play a football game in West Texas!  Those people are so mean.  Why can't they be nicer?  We're the Ut!  Luckily, things seem to be getting better.  Lots of construction going on which means Lubbock can restore its tarnished reputation.  Soon, they'll be just like us.  Our little slower, dumber, brother is growing up.  We're pulling for ya!

You have trophies!  Most of them real, a few imagined.  You have spots reserved for more crystal footballs.  Surely, more are coming.  Surely.

You've never been knocked down.  If you were, it wasn't your fault.  Must have been some kind of accidental knocking. 

You've done less with more, for years.  You don't have to, but you do.  In fact, some of you will come on here and tell me how you've lived up to your potential.  You've accomplished all your goals.  And if that doesn't work, you'll tell me how much better the Ut is.  Laughing at yourself, even briefly, is forbidden.  You are more than perfect, even though that's not possible.

You go to sleep every night, comfortable in all that you've accomplished.    Arrogance-check, condescension-check, indifference-check.  Mattress stuffed with money-check.  No laughing-check.  All those rings- che-yeck.

Night, night, you sweet prince, you.

So once again, it's time for the Ut to grace us with their presence.  We're lucky to have you.  Thanks for all the advice, and the pointers, and for agreeing to come to Lubbock once again.  Don't worry, you won't have to stay long.

 Fortunately, you do have a few admirers in town, and we like to laugh at him.

Tech students and all Tech fans: Please don't be quiet.  Please make the stadium as loud as you possibly can!

Be safe, have fun, and let's get this going!