[driving away from police in car with startled teenager]
Teenager: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you know.
Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?
Teenager: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.

Receptionist: May I help you Dr...?
Fletch: Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room.
Receptionist: What was that name again?
Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosen. Where's the records room?

Fletch: Do you have any caviar?
Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.
Fletch: Well, then I better just take two portions of that.

Fletch: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.

Fletch: Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.

[During a proctological exam]
Fletch: You using the whole fist, Doc?

Fletch: I'm John.
Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John.
[they laugh]
Gail Stanwyk: John who?
Fletch: John Cock... tos... ton.
Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.
Fletch: Well, it's Scotch/Romanian.
Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.
Fletch: Yeah, well, so were my parents.

[to a Doberman pinscher]
Fletch: Look, defenseless babies!

Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss.
Madeline: Who's Frieda?
Fletch: My secretary.

Alan Stanwyck: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
Alan Stanwyck: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
Alan Stanwyck: One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?
Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch: We play tennis at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? California Racquet Club?
Fletch: Right.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch: Well, I haven't been playing in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: No, that's "Babar".
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two B's?
Fletch: One B. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No elephant books.

Fletch: You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together.
Alan Stanwyck: Oh? And what was that?
Fletch: Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.

Gail Stanwyck: What are you doing here?
Fletch: I ordered some lunch.
Gail Stanwyck: You ordered it here?
Fletch: Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.

[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]
Fletch: Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

[Fletch has fainted]
Records Nurse: Oh, Doctor, are you all right?
Fletch: Where am I?
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: The records room? Oh, then I'm fine.
Records Nurse: Can I get you something?
Fletch: Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there.

Fletch: [narrating] In case you haven't guessed yet, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doze. I'm talking about the hard stuff, and a lot of it. I've been trying to find out who's behind it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.

Fat Sam: I got some reds.
Fletch: You don't mean communists, do you, Sam?

Fletch: If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.

Fletch: You would have thought that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just *whack*
[mimes door hitting him in the face]
Fletch: , and there's blood...

Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?
Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.
Waiter: They already left, Señor.
Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.

Fletch: [on the phone with Mr. Swarthow] Excuse you?

Receptionist: [handing Fletch a cup of coffee] Sugar, Mr. Poon?
Fletch: No, never, never.

Fletch's girlfriend: [Fletch is listening to a tape of him and his girlfriend having sex] You're not recording this, are you?
Fletch: No, never, never.

Pan Am Clerk: I'm afraid there is someone sitting next to you.
Fletch: Oh, for... God dawd dawd! Who is it, Mr. Sinlindin?

Detective #2: Got a gun, creep?
Fletch: Shamu's got one, borrow his.
Detective #2: [searching Fletch] What have we here?
Fletch: That's my dick.

Alan Stanwyck: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.

Fletch: For an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.

Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large?
Fletch: No, not since breakfast.

[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]
Fletch: Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

Fletch: This little proposition doesn't entail me dressing as Little Bo-Peep, does it?

Fletch: Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.

[Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude]
Chief Karlin: So, what's your name?
Fletch: Fletch.
Chief Karlin: Full name?
Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.
Chief Karlin: I see, And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I'm a shepherd.
Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Officers, could you excuse us for a few moments?
Fletch: Yeah, why don't you guys go down to the gym and pump each other.
Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

[Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]
Fletch: You fellas wanna read me my rights?
Detective #2: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.
Fletch: I'll waive my rights.

Gail Stanwyck: She looks like a hooker. Look at her. Look at her! Could you love someone who looked like that?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.

Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon?
Fletch: Comanche Indian.

[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door]
Fletch: Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.

[after Fletch gets kicked in the crotch]
Gummy: Are you okay?
Fletch: Yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.

Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, assface. I don't work for you yet.

Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyck: Alan's in Utah.
Fletch: I... can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.

Waiter: Gracias, señor.
Fletch: Tierra Del Fuego.

[Fletch has just been incarcerated by the chief of police]
Fletch: Can't keep me here, chief.
Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you in here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.
Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights.

Fletch: [entering through the window] If you're wearing rubbers, leave them outside, would you?

Chief Karlin: [shoving Fletch into a wall] Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! All right?
Fletch: [sees a picture on the wall] Hey, you and Tommy LaSorda!
Chief Karlin: Yeah.
Fletch: I hate Tommy LaSorda!
[punches glass out of the picture frame]

Fletch: In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one to me.

Fletch: Provo, Spain?
Pan Am Clerk: Utah.

Fletch: (singing)Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...

Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
Frank Walker: Who?
Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a grey area.
Frank Walker: How grey?
Fletch: Charcoal.

Fletch: Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.

Fletch: Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo-wee! Oh, boy, I lost. Yeah. Sorry.

Willy: What the hell you need ball bearings for?
Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course.
[leans arm on hot engine part]
Fletch: Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.

[Corrupt police chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint]
Fletch: Thank god, the... police.

[Fletch is driving in the car with the Teenager]
Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.
Teenager: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!
Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.

Gail Stanwyck: Are you always this forward?
Fletch: Only with wet, married women.

Fletch: Why don't we go lay on the bed and I'll fill you in?

Gail Stanwyk: I didn't know you knew the Underhills.
Fletch: Yeah, well, I saved his life during the war.
Gail Stanwyk: You were in the war?
Fletch: No, he was. I got him out.

Fletch: [Fletch bumps chests with his lawyer] He draws the foul!

Gail Stanwyk: I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married. You are trying to hit on me, aren't you?
Fletch: How did you guess? I'm such a heel. I don't know what came over me.
Gail Stanwyk: If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch: You are a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyk: See what I mean?

Desk Sergeant: You better take his picture while he still has a face.

Fletch: You're serious.
Chief Karlin: Ask anybody.

Fletch: Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Gail Stanwyk: Depends on the question.
Fletch: Want some more champagne?
Gail Stanwyk: Yes.
Fletch: Are you still in love with Alan?
Gail Stanwyk: No! I mean, no, you can't ask me that question. Ask me another one.
Fletch: Why'd you let me in?
Gail Stanwyk: Um, because I'm bored.
Fletch: If you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan?
Gail Stanwyk: Well, Utah's not exactly a cure for boredom.

Fletch: [narrating] I had to keep digging... without a shovel.

Gail Stanwyk: I really should change.
Fletch: No! I think you should stay the same wonderful person you are today.
Gail Stanwyk: I mean, put clothes on.

Fletch: Frank, I need to go to Utah.
Frank Walker: Utah?
Fletch: Yeah, Utah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures of it, right?

[last lines]
Fletch: [narrating] When it came to basketball Gail was a loss, but we had our own version of one-on-one and she thought I was the bravest guy in the world. Which, of course, I am. By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?

Fletch: [narrating] As I pulled up to my imitation palatial apartment building, I noticed the familiar red OldsmoBuick of one Arnold J. Pants, esquire, attorney to the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher.
[drives around to fire escape]
Fletch: [narrating] Time to use the service entrance.

With this installment we now reach the half-way point in this countdown.  As a recap, here are Parts 1 & 2.  Here is a brief rundown of who has done what so far:

Shields: 23, 24

Garza: 28, 29

Price: 26, 30

Nieman: 21, 22, 25

Davis: 27

For 16 - 20 we have:

20) James Shields

19) James Shields

18) Wade Davis

17) Andy Sonnanstine

16) Jeff Niemann

Click the jump for the details...

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"Genuine communion," said Demian, "is a beautiful thing.  But what we see flourishing everywhere is nothing of the kind.  The real spirit will come from the knowledge that separate individuals have of one another and for a time it will transform the world.  The community spirit at present is only a manifestation of the herd instinct.  Men fly into each other's arms because they are afraid of each other -- the owners are for themselves, the workers are for themselves, the scholars are for themselves!  And why are they afraid?  You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself.  People are afraid because they have never owned up to themselves.  A whole society composed of men afraid of the unknown within them!  They all sense that the rules they live by are no longer valid, that they live according to archaic laws -- neither their religion nor their morality is in any way suited to the needs of the present.  For a hundred years or more Europe has done nothing but study and build factories!  They know exactly how many ounces of powder it takes to kill a man but they don't know how to pray to God, they don't even know how to be happy for a single contented hour.  Just take a look at a student dive!  Or a resort where the rich congregate.  It's hopeless.  Dear Sinclair, nothing good can come of all this.  These people who huddle together in fear are filled with dread and malice, no one trusts the other.  They hanker after ideals that are ideals no longer but they will hound the man to death who sets up a new one.  I can feel the approaching conflict.  It's coming, believe me, and soon.  Of course it will not "improve" the world.  Whether the workers kill the manufacturers or whether Germany makes war on Russia will merely mean a change of ownership.  But it won't have been entirely in vain.  It will reveal the bankruptcy of present-day ideals, there will be a sweeping away of Stone Age gods.  The world, as it is now, wants to die, wants to perish -- and it will."

- Max Demian

It's that time again for the fans scouting report.  Tangotiger will be collecting data up until the end of the World Series.  Please take 5 minutes to fill out the following link.  Seriously, it doesn't take long, and you, the fans, have seen more of this team this year than anyone else. 

 

JUST DO IT

There was good reason why I never became one with my companions, why I felt alone among them and was therefore able to suffer so much.  I was a barroom hero and cynic to satisfy the taste of the most brutal.  I displayed wit and courage in my ideas and remarks about teachers, school, parents, and church.  I could also bear to hear the filthiest stories, and even ventured an occasional one myself, but I never accompanied my friends when they visited women.  I was alone and was filled with intense longing for love, a hopeless longing, while, to judge by my talk, I should have been a hard-boiled sensualist.  No one was more easily hurt, no one more bashful than I.  And when I happened to see the young well-brought-up girls of the town walking in front of me, pretty and clean, innocent and graceful, they seemed like wonderful pure dreams, a thousand times too good for me.  For a time I could not even bring myself to enter Mrs. Jaggelt's stationary store because I blushed looking at her remembering what Alfons Beck had told me.

-Emil Sinclair

In part 1, we looked at the  26th - 30th best starts of 2009.  Continuing on the countdown I now bring you 21 - 25.  If you use your memory or clicked the link you may have noticed that Jeff Niemann and James Shields were missing.  Well, not to worry, as they comprise this entire list:

25) Jeff Niemann 2.82 FIP, 0.235 wOBA

24) James Shields 2.78 FIP, 0.234 wOBA

23) James Shields 2.44 FIP, 0.254 wOBA

22) Jeff Niemann 3.03 FIP, 0.197 wOBA

21) Jeff Niemann 1.78 FIP, 0.270 wOBA

Let's dig a little deeper after the jump

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Reason number 47 on why football season is not as good as baseball season: there is nothing to do 5/7 days.  They should play every day and if they can't do that they should take their whiny asses to some other job like being a cop or a judge. 

Women are confusing, but I think I've figured it out a little bit, be as vague as possible.  Give no details and in their little brains they are racing to figure it out.  Fun games are fun.

I watched Fargo last night.  It reminded me of just how freaking awesome the Coen Brothers are.  Feel free to discuss their sheer brilliance.

Modern Warfare 2 is less than a month away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Over the next six weeks I will be bringing you the best starting performances by Rays pitchers this season.  Every Friday you will get the chance to rewind to a better part of the season, when the Rays gave us something to do every night.  So how did I pick the guys that made the cut?  Some might use strikeouts or hits or gamescore or some other statistic.  I took a different approach.  First, I gathered the FIP and wOBA for every start.  Then I ranked each from 1 - 162.  Taking the average of the two I was able to re-rank every start.  That's it.  Without further adieu the 26th - 30th best starts of the year are after the jump.

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http://www.hardballtimes.com/main/fantasy/article/clone-wars-chase-utley-and-ben-zobrist/

The comparison is almost spot on, but people don't seem to believe the hype if you look at the comments.  I hope BenZo can rake next year as well, while playing all over the diamond.

Remember when the Rays had the most runs in either league?  Remember when they were the best offense in the game?  Yeah, it's been awhile since we've seen the dynamic offense that carried our beleaguered staff earlier in the season.  With guys like Longoria, Zobrist, Bartlett, and Crawford getting off to hot starts it was easy to bank on runs in bunches.  We knew they would regress more in line with career numbers, but we figured that other guys like Burrell, Upton, Navarro, and Pena would play up to their historic numbers.  For your viewing pleasure:

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