Stephen King once said that telling an alcoholic to control his drinking was like telling someone with explosive diarrhea to control his shitting.  

I imagine that this might be a good analogy for how some of you are feeling today (gravedigger.  Yes, that's right. I still love you - - sinner...)  To secdelahc's point, it IS the off season and the amount of Cubs-related news has slowed to a trickle.  To make matters worse, there isn't an off-topic rambling diary today that we can use as our collective toilet!

So to maintain the smell in here, I'll start things off with a little baseball and non-baseball chatter.

It's pretty damn cold here in Cincinnati and it's been snowing ALL DAY. I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about, so here's a hot cup of Kool-Aid to give you that warm and fuzzy feeling about the Cubs.   It has no real news and it has a pretty positive attitude about Lilly, but with an intro like this, how can you go wrong?

Ron Santo is sitting in a golf cart shooting the bull, giving a pair of prosthetic legs a break from hauling around the biggest heart in baseball.
Awww. That's our #7 Cub of all time.  I do love me some Santo.

In college basketball, Florida just got their butts handed to them by unranked Vanderbilt, ending the #1 team's 17 game winning streak.  This finally gives Joakim Noah something to scream about, as he has remained so calm over his last two years as Florida's star player.

Incidentally, Noah also joins Yadier Molina on my list of male athletes I think are really girls.

Furthermore, I will say that 1) Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts are my favorite flavor, 2) I don't watch The Fairly Oddparents but I can list off some subliminal messaging in various Disney movies, and 3) of course I most certainly fear North Korea.  No one likes a dictator.

Don't be gun shy.  Have at it.

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for an undisclosed ailment.

The article says that the condition was discovered during Ryan's double bypass surgery in 2000 and that "he takes medication for it".

"This is something I've lived with for the last seven years," Nolan Ryan said in a statement.

Ryan is in good condition.

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In this god-forsaken time we call the "off-season", we can talk about signings, piss and moan about people we're not signing, and fight with fellow bloggers over atheism and the needless celebrations it excludes.

OR we can do something REALLY productive!!

As some of you know, I am a fan of the show "The Ghost Whisperer", or as I like to refer to it - "My Boobs See Dead People". (By the by, the episode tonight is about a posessed baseball pitcher)

In between my readings of David Herbert Donald and Fabio illustrations, I was perusing a blog by famed medium and co-executive producer of The Ghost Whisperer, James Van Praagh, in which he spoke on the validity of curses. He writes:

Many people ask me what a curse is and if it is indeed a reality. My answer is a resounding "Yes!" A curse is a thought, a creation of energy with an intention behind it. The intention is of a lower level, usually of revenge or of blockage: keeping something from someone or creating something that will happen to someone. A curse can become magnified as more people give it energy. For instance, we often hear in folklore about the existence of various curses: the more you believe it, the more you give it life.

So we've been stepping in goat poop on Sheffield Ave all these years for nothing?!?!? What the crap? (pun intended)

For the half a century following Sianis' tirade, we've tried bringing goats in, bringing them to Houston and getting refused in hopes of transferring the curse - all the while, we could have just stopped believing in it? I don't buy it.

So just to get an idea, how many of you strongly believe in the curse? (Screw what Van Braaaaaagh says, I wanna know)

What was the most clear sign of The Goat? Bartman? Santo and the black cat?

And stopping short of any kind of black magic or voodoo (I don't need that kind of guilt on my conscience, and I really don't like eating chicken heads) what are some ideas of breaking the curse this off-season?

1st prize goes to the most creative response.

Poll

Do you believe in the curse of the billy goat?

56%

No way.

29 votes

17%

Heck yeah! I won't go near one from February to October.

9 votes

25%

Dammit, Sarah, shhh!! Don't anger it!

13 votes

51 votes | Poll has closed

Who's NOT watching this game?

So, whaddya got? Who do you have coming out victorious?  How many children's higher education funds have you gambled on this game?

Either way, here's to a game that will surely be more exciting than the lot of the 2006 World Series.  

Go Rutgers!

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Poll

Who will continue their undefeated streak?

43%

Michigan! Wolverines eat Buckeyes for breakfast. No, really. I mean that literally.

7 votes

56%

Hang on, Sloopy. My money's on Ohio State.

9 votes

16 votes | Poll has closed

Hey Ladies... and Guys, your opinion is appreciated here too.

I was given information through a third party that came from a "rabid" female baseball fan.  Now, her opinion (and sanity) are in question here, so I'd like to get your vote on whether or not you guys agree with this.

This "fan" said that women would most enjoy reading a book about baseball "groupies dishing about their guys".

Now, if you've mentioned the word "cheerleaders" within earshot of me, you probably have an idea of how I feel about this, but don't let that influence your decision here before I smack this woman silly with her own pink hat.

So tell me, is this woman right?  Are readers most interested in a clubhouse brothel?

Poll

Which would you rather read about?

5%

Novel detailing the mystery of why there is a "Disney Vault" and why it is necessary in life

2 votes

5%

Bob and Len's Big Book Of Dumb Jokes

2 votes

40%

Groupies giving you the scoop about A-Rod and Jeter and who has the bigger.... bat

15 votes

10%

Dusty and Mediocrity: A Love Story

4 votes

10%

Hendry's stint on The Biggest Loser

4 votes

21%

Stories from die-hard baseball fans

8 votes

5%

Adam Dunn: Grrrrrrr... (Ghost written, of course)

2 votes

37 votes | Poll has closed

I need a recommendation from you crazy kids for a great lakefront hotel (Sarah wants to tan!) for this weekend.  

I don't want to say that my boyfriend and I are high-maintenance, but the nicer the better.  Anyone who responds with anything that includes "8" or "Ho-Jo" will be punished accordingly.  

Thanks! :)

Well, we've all heard the rumors... and we've all wondered about that weight gain.

But last night, June 13th, 2006, Mark Prior gave birth to a bouncing baby 4-hitter.

The bundle of joy was 6 2/3 innings, weighing in at only 1 walk.  Officials say that it was a healthy start, with 10 fingers, 10 toes, and 10 strikeouts.

After fanning the first four batters, Prior started showing signs of struggle as he gave up a single and a double.

"I was hurting.  I was really tempted to get the epidural," Prior said later. "They were there with the syringe and all, but I've be laboring really hard during these past 9 months - I even gave up the 'leaded' coffee."

The only complication was an unearned run (which the Iowa Cubs made up for later in the game) and the new father was given a No Decision.  

The alleged "baby's daddy", Dusty Baker, was not able to be there for the birth causing further speculation about the relationship between the two.  The "Praker" relationship was first said to be on the rocks amidst trade rumors in the off-season.  

Baker was, however, able to be reached for comment.

"You know, I think it's real good, you know. I think, I ... you know I think pitching is always a good thing to have happen to a team, you know.  You could tell he was laboring out there," Baker rambled. "It's like I say about a good steak, you know.  I say it's better when it's done, and I think that's what Woody, wait, who?  Prior, I think that's what Prior did out there today. I just wish Freddie and Neifi coulda been there, you know, to back him up. You know, he's a real pro. I've never seen anything like that. Have they cut that grass lately? Unbelievable."

Both Prior and game are resting comfortably.    

Alright, friends and neighbors.

Yes, we know. Dusty sucks, Hendry may be his manslave, and Pujols is not necessarily taking enough HGH's to kill a small horse.
It's not that I don't think we should have these debates.  I think we should! But I get bored after I've made my point and being right... blah blah... I'm sure you all know the feeling.

So here's the deal, yo.  In this diary, we're going to focus on the following statement:

It could ALWAYS be worse

Now, I don't want this to become some kind of fate-tempting thread... absolutely NO predictions of injuries to currently uninjured players.  We all know how Lee learned his lesson about that...

Let's say, instead of Lou Piniella, what if Lou Ferrigno was chosen to be our manager?  "Neifi make Hulk ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!"
Or what if instead of just looking like the man in the yellow hat,  Mark Prior was actually replaced by the man in the yellow hat.

Again, this is NOT to bring bad karma onto us, but to celebrate that as bad as it is, it could always be worse.

Friday-
Purgatory
Much, much better than Thursday night.  I sat with fellow BCBer TheGhostofFredMerkle, his friend Aaron, and my father.  The Reds fans directly in front of us were GREAT. And get this - they said they would give us Felipe Lopez... for FREE!!  At first, we shook our heads and said that we wouldn't want him until he was at LEAST 35, maybe even early 40's.  Finally we conceded and came to the conclusion that maybe we could give him a fake Bob Evans senior discount ID, add a couple gray specks, take away Dusty's glasses, and maybe we could get away with playing him.  
But for free?!?  Being the ethical Cubs fans that we are, we told him that we had to give them something. How about Neifi(!) and Freddie, straight up??
I honestly don't understand why Hendry is on the phone so much making these deals.  It took us a total of 57 seconds, including a twenty second debate on whether they would take Dusty Baker in return for one of their bat boys.  Understandably, they refused.
My favorite part of the game was when Bobby Howry stepped up to bat - and ended up on base.  We all yelled "Dusty's a genius!!!" Almost as kick you in the butt as the fact that the shift worked FOUR TIMES on Friday night.
No wait, my FAVORITE part had to be Aramis' "double", caused by the wind catching Austin Kearns' mammoth ears and plopping him down onto the right field grass.  Afterwards, they had a bit of a "Stomping of the Divots" to clean up Kearns' mess.
But what seemed like heaven was turned into a state of limbo in the 9th when Dempster got a little nervous in front of his former teammates and decided to bestow me and my father with a wicked case of acid reflux.  TheGhostofFredMerkle and I tried out many different superstitious acts -- me being in my seat, me going away from my seat and watching it on the TV by the hotdog vendor, me being away from my seat and turning my back to the TV and rocking back  and forth, and finally -- the spirit fingers.  None worked, and apparently me burying my head in my dad's chest and nearly crying ended up doing the trick.

Saturday
Heaven
Barrett's grand slam.  Enough said.

Sunday
The Twilight Zone
First of all, it needs to be mentioned that GABP did NOT order enough scorecards and had run out by Sunday's game.  Yes, Cincinnati, there are people who enjoy keeping score. They are called Cubs fans and dammit, we need our scorecards.  They should feel lucky we won, or Castellini would have been looking at the business end of a hissy fit.
At the end of this game, I was reduced to a limited vocabulary of "Who dat? Who der?"
Perez not only had a hit, but it actually left the park!!!  If that wasn't enough, Freddie came up to bat and made contact too!
Nevin's homerun and countless other "Who is this team and what have you done with my Cubs" moments made it a great game with which to end the series.
Marmo - whom I will from now on be referring to as Marmalade. Sounds trite, but if this kid was a lefty, he would have been in the show a while ago.  I was impressed by two things --

1. His speed.  I was continuously impressed by his ability to go from mid to upper 70's to mid 90's consistently.  
   
2. His composure.  When he slipped while attempting a routine DP, I saw something I would never expect from a rookie making his debut - he didn't panic.  Right then and there, I finally relaxed and started remembering to breathe again.  
   

Time will tell whether this kid can survive (more specifically, I'd give him one more game before they figure him out), but he was impressive and showed a lot of poise, despite his "small bunny looking into the face of a wolf" picture.  

And finally, I had two wished granted.

1. I have always wondered what happens when the KissCam lands on a male and female who are brother and sister.  Well, it happened yesterday and apparently, you just shake your head vigorously and mouth the words, it's my sister.  Turns out, you get a big laugh.
2. I said from the beginning, I don't care if we win or lose, I just want Dunn to fall down.  That's all I want! Well, I had to settle for him diving for a catch that wasn't ruled a catch.  But seeing that goon fall on his face whether on purpose or not, never seems to lose its luster.  Nor does this joke - Grrrr, Dunn fall down to make catch.  Then have to throw ball? Dunn no understand.  Dunn must go now.  Must go give more lessons to Kearns. Grrr, Griffey - you're next.

My seats were amazing.  I was five rows back from the Cubs dugout within an arms throw of home plate.  But besides the miserable score, pitiful playing, and the large sweaty woman who kept wiping her dripping forehead before handing me my hot dog with more salt in it than the Dead Sea... the night offered even more atrocities to keep my therapist busy and well-paid for quite some time.

1.  I got a better look at the cheerleaders
Remember in high school how there were the cheerleaders, and then there was the Flag Corp? The Flag Corp was comprised of the girls who couldn't make the cheerleading team - slightly lumpy, uncoordinated girls who spent their weekends watching taped episodes of Square Pegs and wondering what Pearle Vision store might carry those fabulous plastic rims SJP was sporting.  These are the girls the Reds have hired to "motivate the masses".  They didn't dance so much as pantomime how hard it was to squeeze themselves into the spandex they were stuffed in that was two sizes too small. Their shiny Hooters tights weren't enough to contain the bulging flesh that was trying desperately to breathe.  And they couldn't quite figure out how to use the slingshot they were given to catapult t-shirts into the crowd, resulting in many "misfires" - including one that hit a small child.  The guilty "cheerleader" responded the only way she knew how - giggling and than pointing at the small child, which just confused it more.

2. Good Family Fun
Mr. Red, who is a top-heavy mascot with a stuffed shirt and large baseball for a head, not only ignored children that wanted his autograph, but also decided to take baseball rivalry to a new low.  Around the 6th inning, he got up on the Cubs dugout and grabbed a man's Cubs hat off of his head.  He waved it around, rubbed it in his armpit and then to the horror to the 3 people with human decency in the surrounding areas proceeded to WIPE HIS ASS with it.  The two small children sitting next to the hatless Cubs fan (adorably clad in Cubs gear, BTW) started to cry as if wondering, "Why is Mr. Red doing this to Daddy?" The Reds fans cheered him on in their drunken stupors, and I watched one fan ("Daddy, why does that man's eyes match his Reds jersey?") fall over into another row with his hands conveniently landing on a female Cubs fans chest.   This of course was met with even more cheering from the Reds fans.  I'm not sure if this is all a part of Great American's attempt to have the all-American baseball experience, but I for one was appalled.  Especially with so many children around.  What are we teaching them?

3. Speaking of Teaching
There was a Reds fan father sitting in front of me teaching is son about baseball.  Unfortunately, the man didn't know anything about the sport. He kept confusing a sinker and a slider, and at one point told his son that Adam Dunn was known as "Mr. Defense".  So it didn't surprise us that at one point the kid was devastated that the ump called a ball on one of the Reds batters.  "Nooooooo!!!!!"

My friend Michelle who joined me last night, apologized profusely on behalf of the city of Cincinnati and said she was truly embarrassed at everything she had witnessed.  I, in turn, apologized for her having to watch Neifi Perez pinch hit with a .192 average.