Watching the re-cap of the Michigan- Notre Dame football match I learned this interesting factoid:  There were a combined total of 3 touchdowns scored by both teams in the last 1:12 of that game.  THREE!

And yet the Iowa coaching staff is content to run out 1:17 (with 2 TOs) and head to overtime.  /sigh

The great Vince Lombardi would start every training camp with: "This is a football," in order to reinforce the basics.  For the Iowa coaching staff, I offer this "basic" from Herman Edwards:

(Inside the Purdue Boilermaker's locker room at Ross-Ade Stadium, leading Wisconsin 10-6, Danny Pope gives the following speech to his team...)

"Great half of football, fellas.  Really great half.  We're really stopping the Badgers in their tracks.  We've held them to only 122 yards of total offense, they haven't even gotten into the red zone once, and we even intimidated them into missing a field goal.  Really great half of football...

"IF YOUR A FUCKING IOWA-LOVER!  Do you know what happens if we go out there and beat Wisconsin today, boys?  Sure, we'll have a victory celebration the likes of which West Lafayette hasn't seen in ages.  Heck, we may even be a lead story at ESPN, unless something mediocre happens in the SEC.  But is that one evening worth of fame, notoriety, under-aged binge drinking and wanton sexual activity worth seeing Ricky "Love it or leave it" Stanzi stading there where a god-damn rose in his mouth at the end of the season?  I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!  WHERE'RE YOUR GOD-DAMNED HEADS AT?  Because they aren't in this game!  If your heads were in this game you'd be looking beyond the next 30 minutes of football and looking ahead to the end of the season and our protected rivalry game next season!

"Now, we get the ball to start the second half.  Sean Robinson, I want you to throw an interception."

(Sean Robinson looks at Danny Hope in shock.)

"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"

(Sean Robinson quietly replies, "No, Sensei.")

"Good," Danny Hope replies, "No mercy.  We will lose this game to ensure that Our Most Hated Rival does not go to the Rose Bowl.  And for the last fucking time, don't call me 'Sensei.'  BOILER UP!"

(The team rushes back onto the field to lose in glorious fashion in the second half, continuing to quell the Rose Bowl hopes of the Iowa Hawkeyes and ensuring that next year's protected rivalry will be meaningful.)

While on a golf course in Goodlettsville, TN last week, a Georgia Bulldog fan saw my Iowa Hawkeyes apparel and asked, "Is Iowa going to be any good this year?"

I responded with a string of questions:  How would you feel about Georgia's chances if you had a Senior QB coming back with an 18-4 record as a starter?  How would you feel if one of your starting defensive ends was on just about every watch list for defensive awards this year?  How would you feel if you had 14 starters returning from an Orange Bowl winning team?

The man answered exactly the way I expected him to answer: "Iowa's that good?  Really?"

Yes, sir.  Really.  Iowa is that good.  They were the best team you'd never heard about until just before last year's OSU game when our then second-longest active win streak was touted and summarily crushed.  Yes, sir.  Iowa is that good.

Until recently, only the Iowa faithful were aware of it.  We've even had to fend off the usual Iowa Cynics who claim that a 2-10 season is just around the corner.  

As a Hawkeye faithful, I love being able to win in anonymity and succeed in stealth only to surprise people at the end of the year.  I like to be like the Spanish Inquisition... and no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Unitl now:  Twenty Teams with the Best Shot to Win the Title

CRAP!

Gene Chizik Ready to Turn Auburn Tigers Around  by Mark Schlabach

Okay...mmmpphhhh...I can do this...snort...I can type this with a straight face and not laugh.  If I can drive home...chortle...after chugging a fifth of Jack...snicker...this will be easy.

*deep breath*  Okay, here goes...

The Tigers went 5-7 in 2008...[Chizik] was 5-19 in two seasons at Iowa State

I don't think that's the kind of turn-around Auburn is looking for but hey, in this age of openness and acceptance, who am I to judge?  Viva la difference!!  Case in point...

"I think when Jay was trying to find a guy for this job, he was looking at the big picture," Chizik said. "The advantage for me was that I knew Jay. He knew what kind of person I was then and what kind of person I am now. From the outside, you see a guy who won five games at Iowa State. But Jay was on the inside. He knew me from my time here and knew what kind of person I am, what kind of coach I am and what kind of recruiter I am. I didn't have to sell him anything because he already knew it." (emphasis added)

Umm...well...er...that is...wow.  Don't know that I would openly admit to someone that my AD "knows me from the inside."  It just...you know...oh God...  What's next?

Chizik believes he also was close to turning around Iowa State. He inherited a Cyclones team that went 4-8 in 2006, after going 7-5 in consecutive seasons under coach Dan McCarney in 2004 and '05. Iowa State went 3-9 in Chizik's first season in 2007. Last year, the Cyclones opened the season with victories over Football Championship Subdivision opponent South Dakota State and Kent State, but then lost their last 10 games to finish 2-10.

"I have no question in my mind that we were definitely on the right track," Chizik said.

Maybe Schlabach contractually obligated to call it the "Football Championship Subdivision" but we all know it as D-IAA...the "not quite ready for Saturday" league.  Still, how do you tout going 2-0 against inferior teams only to gloss over losing the next 10 straight?  Perhaps Mark is fearful of his job?  What's even better is that 2-10 is "on the right track."  BWAHAHAHAHA!

 But one of the first things out of Gus' mouth each day is...

last night's dinner...a big wad of tobacco...[fill in the blank]...

...the need for physicality. 

Oh thank the Lord!  That was close.  We definitely ran the risk of getting pulled there...  One final thought:

Auburn fans are used to winning. They'll be asking a lot from Chizik from the start.

Heck, who are we kidding?  That'll be a lot to ask from Chizik four years from now!

I'm still in stunned disbelief at how Schlabach was able to take the story of a lower-tier coach getting the chance of three lifetimes and, rather than talking about some of the glaring failures in Chizik's career, he turns it into a slobberfest that my two Labrador Retrievers couldn't compete with!

Best conference in the country my bloated backside!  BIG TEN FOREVER!!

[Bumped, because if you've never personally witnessed a high-level athlete binge drink, you have been deprived.--OPS]

You probably missed the story about an ISU football player getting picked up for public intox.  Here's the story from the Register.  As my friend, an ISU alum, put it, "Of course you missed it.  It's about ISU football.  No one pays attention to that."  True dat.

However, in light of a certain head coach's son getting picked up on a similar violation earlier, it leads me to wonder if we shouldn't put a new event in the Cy-Hawk Trophy Competition.

An ISU fan proposed an extra two points for the school with the fewest alcohol related off-season incidents.  Pfffft.  Whatever.  That does nothing but ignore the problem and offers no solution.  I say that we should embrace the problem and find a workable (and profitable) solution!

I say it's time to take the "problem" out of "drinking problem."  Let's just embrace the fact that there's not much to do in Iowa in late winter/ early spring and allow our student athletes to use that time in a way that can bring a new level of glory to their respective school!

But not only would this bring a new level of glory to the state of Iowa, it would also bring some extra revenue.  To the best of my research, neither the NCAA nor the Big Ten has endorsed Beer Pong as an official sport.  Therefore, if I understand things correctly, (which I certainly don't) either school might be able to secure a separate sponsorship from Anheuser-Busch, Miller Brewing, or possibly even Lone Star (given Hayden Fry's fantastic work at Iowa).  It's almost like being Notre Dame and being able to negotiate a separate television deal.  This profit-stream doesn't even account for the specialized plastic cup sales or officially logo'ed ping pong balls that are sure to follow.

Help me turn these frowns upside down!  Send an e-mail to Hy-Vee today and demand a beer-pong event for the Cy-Hawk!!

Michigan thanks fans with lower prices was the title of the story on ESPN.com yesterday.  But what's the real story?  Are the folks at the U of M Athletic Department telling the whole truth?  I've borrowed the old "Disgronficator" from The Rush Limbaugh Program so that we can really see what's really going on:
 
"In this challenging time economically, this is our way of thanking our fans who have supported us for decades," Martin said. "Unlike most schools, we had an opportunity to lower prices for football tickets."  Disgronified:  "We sucked so bad last year that we wanted to let people in for free.  This is actually the closest thing we could do and still have any sports at Michigan."
 
Ohio State and Michigan State both announced earlier this month they were slightly increasing ticket prices for 2009.  Disgronified: "...proving conclusively that both teams will beat Michigan in the upcoming 2009 season.  And have more room under the salary cap for 2010." [edited to add:  No, there's no salary cap in college football.  Just smile and nod.]
 
Tickets for Michigan's eight-game schedule will cost $400, the same price as 2007 when Michigan hosted eight games. Student tickets will cost $200, a decrease of $1.43 per game compared to 2008.  Disgronified: "$1.43...which will barely buy their share of the pitcher at the sob fest at Good Time Charly's.  Surely, this will not be sufficient funds to get any sort of drunk on.  Call it our version of a stimulus plan."
 
Tickets for individual games will cost $65 for marquee games against Ohio State and Notre Dame and as low as $50 for other matchups at the Big House.  Disgronified:  "...because, hopefully, if we can beat one of these two teams, people will forget about losses to Indiana or Purdue.
 
Michigan opens the season Sept. 5 against Western Michigan. The Wolverines lost a school-record nine games in Rich Rodriguez's debut with college football's winningest team. Disgronified: "Don't screw our program, RichRod or we'll make you cry like a sissy boy!"
 
Happy Weekend!  GO HAWKS!

As I sat with my assistant watching the highlights of last night's Tennessee/ UCLA OT slugfest, he made a comment that sent shivers down my spine: "Is it cold in LA?  Why is Rick Neuheisel wearing a sweater vest?"

Sweater Vest?  Wait a minute.

via assets.espn.go.com

via assets.espn.go.com

Is this just a simple man-crush?  Is this a desire to "be like Jim?"  Or has Rick found the secret to OSU's power?  Perhaps he has unraveled the mystery of making consecutive BCS Championship Games like a snagged cable-knit.  Naysayers will point to Neuheisel's lack of neckware but I would postulate that the knot is what has kept the power from flowing in big games.  If Jim would loosen up, perhaps his team would be able to win the Big One.

I'm going to ask Carson Kressly to look into it deeper...