[Bumped like Jeff Hardy in a ladder match -- PV]

In light of SMA's most recent serious-in-tone post about DJK, I have taken it upon myself to attempt at injecting some humor back into this very strange and volatile affair. This is the result of that. I've been on quite a professional wrestling kick recently, and found some hilarious parallels between the storylines in the now legendary "worked shoot" that WWE wrestler CM Punk delivered in June and DJK's situation with Iowa. For those that need a frame of reference; here is the video of Punk's promo, here is the transcript of it (for those at work or without great internetz), and here is a terrific article by Grantland's David Shoemaker, AKA The Masked Man, recapping the shoot and providing context better than I ever could. Without further ado...

[Ricky Stanzi lies nearly motionless after a bone-shattering tackle through a table from Corey Wootton]

Ricky Stanzi… while you lie there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I’m dismissed from the Iowa football team with hundreds of questions abound, I have a lot of things I wanna get off my chest.

I don’t hate you, Rick. I don’t even dislike you… I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like Coach Soup or John Hartlieb. I hate this idea that you’re the best. Cause you’re not. I’m the best. I’m the best Hawkeye skill player around. There’s only one thing you’re better at than I am, and that’s kissing Kirk Ferentz’s ass.

You’re as good at kissing Kirk Ferentz’s ass as Chad Greenway was! I don’t know if you’re as good as Tom Arnold  though… he’s a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is…

[Waves to Camera]

Whoops, I’m breaking Bloodpunch’s media etiquette bylaws!

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Since most of us understand math and the intricacies of the cap better than Barry Rozner could ever dream of, a discussion/post dedicated to kicking the tires on the Blackhawks cap situation is in order. I'll try to edit this often in an effort to include any useful, intriguing or noteworthy points or thoughts that come up. The idea is that this can serve as somewhat of a guide for what we can expect with the issues Stanley JMcD will be facing this summer, and hopefully all the related discussions that bog down game threads or link posts can be posted here.

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I did this last year, and it only seems fitting to do it again after a win as important as the one tonight.

IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER.IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER....

Ok that's all...

This afternoon, the University of Minnesota and Athletic Director Joel Maturi introduced their new head football coach...

After a thorough search, myself and the trustees and board members decided unanimously on a new football coach for the University of Minnesota this weekend. The qualities we were searching for are self-evident when you meet our new coach; staunch morals, an aversion to those who seek to suppress him, sometimes-diabolic creativity and a natural ability to bring electricity to the football field with his squad. Without further ado, I would like to introduce the new head coach for the Minnesota Golden Gopher football team... Coach Fester Addams.

"No mercy, trustees! Aim for the artery! The jugular!"

[Brands is actually yelling all of that.--AJ]

[Due to not enough interest, I didn't go through with buying tickets or booking a party at The Vine. I would encourage all FOTP's to still attend the meet, as it's an amazing event, but the I understand if ya'll want nothing to do with Iowa athletics at the present moment. Get ahold of me or the braintrust, however, if you still wanna get together after the meet if you still plan on going.]

In lieu of the BHGP-palooza in Chicago during the jNW weekend and the crumbling of TheFinalGun and Bellanca's tOSU plans, I have chosen to take it upon myself to organize the next installment of "BHGP Meet and Greet". While organizing something for this weekend would prove to be futile and trying to get something going in St. Paul as a resident of eastern Iowa would simply be stupid, I decided to set my sights towards the beginning of winter. And winter in Iowa, as we all know, means wrestling.

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McCann't and I have discussed, as has Bucket and others to some degree, the possibility of having some kind of BHGP gather-a-thon for the jNW game. I know many of us will be attending or around the greater Chicago area, so putting out a feeler seemed like a wise plan. The lady and our respective families are heading up there, and we should have a solid tailgate, and I know McCann't had echoed that sentiment, also saying his place is nearby Ryan Field (correct me if I'm wrong). So... how many of you are going and would this be a worthwhile endeavor to pursue?

  ... continued from Patriot Games: Part I ...

On a dimly lit dock outside of Gary, Indiana...

Ok... this seems like the kinda place Commander Belichick was describing for where Codename "P.P." would be found...

I dunno, Rick... This place seems pretty damn quiet. We should probably move on. Besides, Jeff said he was gonna be meeting us ov...

ARF ARF ARF/ *urinates on nearby trash pile*

Come on, AC... Ace. We've barely been here for 5 minutes. Let's just stake it out a little longer and see what happens... I brought you guys along to provide some support... not complain all the time!!!

Alright, Rick... Alright. This just doesn't seem like the kind of place a terrorist would smug...

... a short distance away on the pier, a figure emerges from the darkness barking commands...

HURRY UP, YOU THUGS!!! THE SERBIANS SAID THEIR CORRESPONDENT WOULD BE MEETING US SHORTLY. BOILER UP.

Sir, yes sir!!

... back at the hiding spot of our heroes...

Holy Hancock's Signature, AC!!! There he is!! And they're meeting a Serbian to get the weapon materials!!

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RINGRINGRINGRING

Iowa athletic office. How can I help you?

... Put me through to Coach Ferentz... s'urgent.

Excuse me... could you repeat that, sir?

Just put me through to Kirk, goddamnit.

... Okaaay... um, could I have your name to let Coach Ferentz know who's calling?

... No.

Um... okay, uh... Just one moment sir...

RINGRINGRINGRING

Yes?

Coach Ferentz, there's someone on the line for you. They refused to give me their name and... well, what they said was barely discernible. I guess it's urgent. It... sort of sounded like... well, like Bill Belichick, sir...

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I was completely unaware that the .gif that I posted, which has subsequently been redacted by the powers that be, would cause such pandemonium. I suppose that may be my own personal problem, but as I had seen it posted previously by a handful of tenured commenters, I thought the irony commonly associated with the specific animation (despite it's horribleness) would fall on everyone. I was wrong, and upon reflection that is both glaringly obvious and indicative of how playing with fire can burn you, especially on the internet. I suppose I can be seen as the individual who fell on the proverbial sword, as the line of acceptability has now been firmly drawn as far as comments and posting pics/gifs go, but I'm no martyr for us more offensive and less appalled types. I sincerely apologize for posting it, and hope that what little cred I may carry with you, my digital Hawkeye compatriots, may be mended in short time. For those like Bellanca who were particularly disgusted with the post, I understand the anger.  However, I implore you to stick around and realize it was a careless and horrible mistake that won't happen again, and is not in any way indicative of me or the other respectable hooligans around here. 

*Deep breathe*

So, the dragon has been slayed. Apologies to everyone.

- SHG

I'm not sure if there was supposed to be one, but for those of you who are stoked to see Boise get their asses handed to them in a hostile environment against an actual opponent, here's your opportunity. There is an obscene number of Tech fans at this game, but I will say I'm impressed that a decent number of Idahoans (or bandwagoners) showed up for it.

Should be a fun one.

via imm.io

I know we're damn nearing three months removed from playoff hockey, but as far as I could tell, nobody has made this comparison on SCH to date. I volunteer to be the first. Once Hartnell was about two months into the playoffs, he was a spitting image of Mastodon's guitarist/vocalist/renowned party boy Brent Hinds. I've heard/seen a number of other doppelganger comments in regards to Hartnell, but this one is just too uncanny to pass up.

In other news, Mastodon fucking rules.

  Uh, yeah... so about that contract... via a.espncdn.com

Edit: It was brought to my attention that Huet's cap hit was not included in the $11.389MM number. I thus changed it up significantly to reflect that.

As we are all well aware of by now, Richard Bloch's rejection of Ilya Kovalchuk's eon long deal with the New Jersey Devils has league wide ramifications. The Hawks and their front loaded deal with one Marian Hossa are specifically coming under scrutiny due to the upholding of the NHL's rejection of Kovy's contract, and this got me to thinking...

With the vast majority of Hawks fans firmly entrenched in the still on-going (albeit decelerating) offseason capocalypse, what happens if the NHL chooses to play hardball and negate contracts like Hossa's? The current CBA does, believe it or not, allow the NHL to do such a thing, and with Mr. Bloch all but guaranteeing that some seriously huge decisions will be made eventually in regards to deals that circumvent the cap, I'm beginning to think toward yet another offseason of potential cap craziness next season. Thus, to the drawing board!

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Ok, so, here's the deal. I'm a superstitious guy. I've made this point on several occasions before. I will analyze games, seasons, and players careers until the fucking Holsteins come home, but I realized I was way in over my head on this one... I simply cannot in good faith predict wins and losses, especially about a season so far away. Try as I might, Papa Zeus is upstairs, lightning bolt in hand, just waiting for my sorry ass to predict something awful, fuck over whatever team I make a prediction for via bad karma/not knocking on wood/etc, and turn me into a piece of toast. So... with that being said... I give up. The other three parts that were written? Ka-put. Gone. No more of that shit for me..

Oh, and not to mention... operating like Mr. Fordy put me in a deep, dark, lonely place... one I never wish to visit again.

So with that said, let the cards fall as they may. Go Hawks.

via antonazucar.com

It's safe to say that despite the chaos that has occurred in college football's first week of the offseason, America-loving Heartlanders who fill the stands of Big 10 stadiums let out a mighty collective yawn in response. Drawings of penises on large painted rocks and (surprise!) a Texas school hiring a whiney head coach elicits zero excitement when compared to the prospects of Big Televen football returning to glory this coming fall. So, without further ado, I present to you the Crystal Ball-a-thon, a completely subjective and likely off-point glimpse into what could possibly happen in Big 10 conference football next season.

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Amari Spievey just declared that he'll be forgoing his senior season and enter the NFL draft.

This is obviously bad news for the 2010 Hawkeye team, but the possibility of Amari jumping ship has been in high profile for quite awhile. He has many obligations and reasons for heading to the NFL, and I'm sure every Iowa fan including myself wishes him the best of luck at the next level.

A college level clone of Nmadi Asomugha, Spievey will probably land somewhere between the middle of the second round to the early third round, but his performance at the combine could change that.

... The Predator.

via i787.photobucket.com

I figured it was about time I followed through with my favorite potential nickname of all of our favorite man (and Yellow Jacket... and Badger... and Nittany Lion... and... well damn near everything) hunter. Not to mention... I think it could be a nickname that sticks for good... and not just because he looks like the terrifying yet noble slaughter-machine. He plays like The Predator destroys... methodical and dynamic and done in the must dominating and horrifying (at least for opposing offenses) ways possible

The only difference between the two of them is that not even Ahnold would dare calling AC an ugly motherfucker. Unless he wanted his nuts fed to him in a souffle.

IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER.IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER. IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER, THAT'S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE. AND WHEN WE'RE GONE FROM HERE, OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL THE BEER....

Ok that's all...

Those of you (and I know there are many of you) who reside in Chicago; Merkle's? Big Shitty? Four Shadows? Home? What will it be tonight for you? I was considering trekking up to Merkle's myself but I like to have elbow room when watching a game and the ability to take 5 steps to my shitter without waiting in line when need be. That being said, if there's a large number of you heading to a specific pub this evening, I'm considering being less reclusive.

What say you?

[Why, you can find it at Black Heart Gold Shirts! ...okay fine no you can't.--OPS]

Amazing... via www.hawkeyebowlgame.com

I was browsing through the happy-fun-time photos of the Hawkeye Huddle in Miami, expecting the run of the mill collection of pictures depicting Dolph with a microphone, embarrassing fans with corn on their head, and Ed spewing whiskey fumes from all orifices. And then I came across this.

I'm assuming Tracie Clayborn had this custom made for her, but she should divulge who and where this person is and what price it cost. Pure, unmitigated fuckin' genius.

(As an aside, and unsurprisingly, DJK's mom (to the right) is hot.)

The 2009 College Football AP All America teams were announced today. This list is always worth scrutinizing, just like everything else any one ever votes on.

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Brian Kelly jumping ship to Notre Dame yesterday reminded me quite a lot of the conversation between Luke and Han in the hangar before the first battle of the Death Star. Lines of dialogue like the header and "You're turning your back on them" are almost too appropriate and obvious, but unfortunately for the Cincinnati players who deserve the most credit for their 12-0 season and second consecutive BCS berth, there'll be no "WOOOOHOOOO, You're all clear kid..." moment here.

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