SB Nation User Blog: Stencil

Owen Schmitt Signs

Stencil — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 18:22:55 -0000

Thus ending speculation he'd instead opt to work at a dry cleaner.

Since this is news, I'll just go ahead an preemptively report:

Red Bryant signs.

John Carlson signs.

Lawrence Jackson signs.

A source deep within my skull, somewhere between my amygdalae, confirms it as a near eventuality.

I refuse to post that god-forsaken video of Schmitt crying.

Favre Requests Unconditional Release

Stencil — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:13:42 -0000

The two most annoying things in the NFL, ESPN and Brett Favre, have teamed up to spawn the third most annoying thing in the NFL, the story entirely substantiated by an undisclosed source. Given the juicy details and Fav-RAY petting that concludes the story--

Ooohh!

He appeared to be in excellent physical condition and threw the ball with ease, even throwing a football 50 yards "on a rope" with high school receivers. He has been throwing and running with the team for more than a month.

I'd guess the source to be Favre or Favre's agent, Snaky McCashRegister.

All due respect Packers fans, this makes a lot of sense. We've all known for some time the fact, the destiny, written in God's library that Bret Favre must die on the field, throwing a pick.

Anyway, here's hoping that wherever he lands he sucks. I've never been a Favre-hater, but one can stand only so much this circus sideshow--and I can't standz no mo!

Favre Requests Unconditional Release

Stencil — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:10:14 -0000

Ooohh!

He appeared to be in excellent physical condition and threw the ball with ease, even throwing a football 50 yards "on a rope" with high school receivers. He has been throwing and running with the team for more than a month.

I'd guess the source to be Favre or Favre's agent, Snaky McCashRegister.

All due respect Packers fans, this makes a lot of sense. We've all known for some time the fact, the destiny, written in God's library that Bret Favre must die on the field, throwing a pick.

Anyway, here's hoping that wherever he lands he sucks. I've never been a Favre-hater, but one can stand only so much of this circus sideshow--and I can't standz no mo!

Tatupu Takes the Wrap

Stencil — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 01:18:00 -0000

Well, we can finally put this titillating little saga to rest. Seahawks middle linebacker, Lofa Tatupu, has pled guilty and been sentenced to "one day in jail and ordered to pay fines and court costs of $1,255." You may now resume your life free of this Hyundai wielding menace.

In the by and by, no doubt the sordid details of another sports celebrity's life will surface. But before we sink our teethe into this new schadenfreude marinated tripe, let us pause for a second and consider the deeper questions...like is 24 hours enough time to master the methods of constructing a zip gun? And could this theoretical zip gun be somehow smuggled onto the field of University of Pheonix Stadium?

Shaun Alexander's Network Of Mutuality

Stencil — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:08:33 -0000

In 591 words, Shannon J. Owens has created a masterwork of social criticism--A thorough, incisive and logical article that argues, simply, Shaun Alexander is being persecuted for his devout Christianity.

"I'm asking God to close doors that need to be closed and open up whatever needs to be open so I can go there, win a Super Bowl, impact the team, impact the community," Alexander said. "That's been my goal."

Maybe if playing football was his only goal, some GMs wouldn't have called Alexander, 30, washed up.

Maybe, indeed. Maybe if Craig Terrill didn’t waste time playing guitar he’d have more sacks. Maybe if Deion Branch didn’t waste time rehabbing his knee he’d have more receptions. Maybe if Matt Hasselbeck didn’t waste time hocking Qwest he’d have more hair. Someone needs to wake these guys up lest Tim Ruskell think they’re washed up, because the end comes as quick as an Alexander cut.

And GMs possess little concern for a player's football ability. A new criteria for greatness has arisen, deeper, more powerful, and, dare I say, more sacred than speed, strength and athleticism: trust.

"He's never been known as a very tough player, and there have always been questions about his attitude," an NFC general manager said. "I'm not saying that because he's out there [unsigned] now. I would have told you the same thing four or five years ago. Basically I don't like him [as a back], and I don't trust him."...
But what has a running back with nearly 10,000 career rushing yards, who never has been arrested or embroiled in law-breaking drama, done to engender mistrust?

It's wrong for anyone to question Alexander's motives, given what he has accomplished, and this one reeks of a personal attack.

That whimper you here, far off, like a battered schnoodle, that's Bill Polian enduring the pangs of guilt. The ache of injustice. The burning urination of umbrage. What, indeed, has Shaun Alexander done to engender mistrust? I’d trust Alexander to water my plants, date my sister, even, affix my toupee. What more can one thirst from a multi-million dollar athlete?

Shameful. And exasperating. It's shamefully exasperating, like finding the fly in this Snagglepus suit.

Alexander may be but one man, but his struggle is indicative of a cathedral ceiling that limits all men of great faith. Equality is but a distant vision now, but through the selfless martyrdom of men like Shaun Alexander and the tireless vigilance of social critics like Shannon J. Owens, we may yet live to see a Christian man on the gridiron, in the laboratory or, even, in the White House.

We can pray.

Seahawks News Omnibus: Oh Rocky!

Stencil — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:49:31 -0000

Bernard Sacks the Justice System

"This represents him taking responsibility for what happened and taking steps to make sure it never happens again," said Jon Scott Fox, Bernard's attorney. "He really wants to put this behind him at this time."

If I remember correctly, "what happened" involved punching a young woman's head into a pane of glass.

Bernard's case will be dismissed if he abides by some pretty softball stipulations:

The order of continuance in Bernard's case stipulates he cannot have any criminal law violations for two years, he must comply with the terms of a no-contact order regarding the victim in this case. He must complete a domestic-violence treatment program and cannot possess any weapons. He also will undergo a drug-and-alcohol evaluation and comply with any treatment recommendations. He also must pay $400 in court costs.

No weapons? Damn. And he can't have any criminal violations for two years? Shoot, quite an achievement. In the immortal words of Chris Rock "What'ch you want? A cookie?"

In less depressing news, John Morgan did a podcast at Dynasty Rogues Radio talking about certain Seahawks fantasy prospects. In Troll speak, he's drinking the Julius Jones and John Carlson Kool-Aid. Hmmm...incapacitating.

Seahawks News Omnibus: Rafka-esque

Stencil — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 23:03:12 -0000

In the spirit of unnecessary suffering, SNO (informer) offers Ryan Plackemeier, punter, deadly with the backspin kick, weight lifter, dead in the water with a torn pectoralis. Stick to the kicking, Ryan, the awesome guns can wait.

My Hero

LoJack Corporation is based in Massachusetts. If you want to sound authentic, you have to say every "a" sound like you've just eaten goat shit. LoJack is supposedly the antithesis of "hijack". Um.

Seahawks first round pick Lawrence Jackson is a certified badass and another good guy to root for. End transmission.

Line working on new blocking scheme

Seattle's offensive line is moving to a "zone blocking" scheme. That is, they'll be blocking an area and not a specific defender. For those keeping score at home, you can tally another explanation for the Non-Alexander Reasons Seattle's Run Blocking No Longer Sucks:

Sims Lifting Weights

Mike Wahle

Mike Solari

...and now Zone Blocking

It rained.

Receivers Look Good

Receivers Look Bad

At least we can agree on the Rain thing.

So lustig!

Seahawks News Omnibus: With Cursing!

Stencil — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:21:11 -0000

Here’s your daily Seahawks whatever, and if that sounds half-hearted you can blame a lifetime of bacon dinners.

Plackemeier Suffers a Torn Pectoral: And that about sums it up. Torn Pectorals suck, frankly, even if you’re a punter. More on this as it develops.

Tubbs Takes the Field: Non-believers in medical science might think that figure that looks a good bit like former world beating defensive tackle Marcus-motherfucking-Tubbs is actually 20 wolverines duck-taped into a blue suit, but no, it’s Marcus-motherfucking-Tubbs taking the field in June, participating in individual drills with a smile so big it’s parting the clouds in the vitamin D deficient P. N. W.

That's all this pseudonym has for today. Check back tomato for more bad jokes and profanity.

Seahawks News Omnibus: Zorn in Short-Shorts

Stencil — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:03:40 -0000

Here's a toothsome Update from the men with the pens.

Frank Hughes: Duckett is clearly the odd man out so far in the backfield. Reports are the once rare combination of size and speed is now just large. We'll wait until the preseason to pass judgment. Courtney Taylor is working from the flanker spot, don't be surprised if he's there week 1. And in his play of the day, Hughes describes Red Bryant's dispersal of Justin Forsett.

With rookie Justin Forsett running a sweep to the right, rookie defensive tackle Red Bryant came bursting through the line. Usually guys don't hit each other very hard in these practices, but Bryant came through so fast and collided with Forsett so violently that Forsett went right to the ground. He obliterated him, which predictably drew a lot of whoops from defensive players.

Looks like this Bryant kid is working out alright.

Danny O'neil: Despite Locklear starting, Floyd Womack got the nod at left tackle. We'll see if this carries into the preseason. Left Tackle Womack is a reoccurring character in one of my nightmares. Something about being buried under snow, Saint Augustine and an 8-pack of Old Style.

Mike Sando: Despite working for ESPN, Sando somehow continues to scoop his peers. Sando drops in with info about a sure sign Summer is near, a first Womack injury. This time the ever innocuous knee injury.

Womack wore a wrap on his knee after practice. He was walking without crutches. But given his long history of injuries, this wasn't what the Seahawks wanted to see on the first day of June camp. They could use him as insurance at every line position but center.

Makes you want to harp on the Hawks non-existent offensive tackle depth, but, y'know, I'll let another carry that torch.

. . .

Until the local media graces us with their training camp reports, I present the way we was.

Seattle Seahawks Training Camp 1981 (via bellamyvideo)

Updates to follow.

Seahawks News Omnibus: Brotherhood of Blue and Green

Stencil — Wed, 28 May 2008 18:20:34 -0000

Craig Terrill a big hit on stage, too

Local journalist love, like black holes love suck, athletes who also play music. Well, this comes close enough. Believe me, after clicking that link, you’ll wish it was a Rick Roll. Terrill teamed with Paul Allen’s band, Grown Men, to open for Seal, giving Puppetry of the Penis’s Simon Morley a night off to rest his instrument. Penis puppetry enthusiasts found the act lacked Morley’s grace but was suitably "scrotum clenching." There's no truth to reports Terrill attempted an improvised "Loch Ness Monster" during an Allen guitar solo.

Engram to sign autographs in Olympia next week

"Engram will be signing autographs and selling tickets from 4:30 p.m. to 5:30 p.m. on June 6 at Olympia's Red Lion Hotel."

Bobby Engram is using the event to bolster ticket sales for his Bobby Engram Celebrity Softball Game. Julian Peterson, Nate Burleson, Marcus Trufaunt, Leonard Weaver, Jordan Kent, Chris Cooper, Darryl Tapp and Kelly Jennings are all guaranteed participants. Proceeds benefit Odessa Brown Children's Clinic and the Engram Foundation. The image of Julian Peterson wielding a bat prevents ol’ Stencil from cracking wise.

Play-calling head coaches face unique challenges

Mike Sando writes about the 11 head coaches who still calls plays on offense. Among them, Mike Holmgren. Astute viewers will remember this rare glimpse into Holmgren’s genius during NBC's customary close up of the coaches play card.

Prop comedy. Carrot Top, put down that baby and eat your heart out.