SBNation.com User Blog: Stephen Catanese

#PariseWatch and the end of the world, in 140 characters or less.

Stephen Catanese — Tue, 03 Jul 2012 22:09:32 -0000

The world can relax, if just a little.

KONY 2012 hasn't trended on Twitter for a few months now. The problem is over, the issue resolved.

Joseph Kony, the child-mutilating, murdering, gang-rapist African warlord is no longer a menace. The affluent white guy who had a problem with Kony and made a little bit of YouTube magic got caught running around San Diego in the nude, doing generally insane things. So Kony doesn't matter anymore.

You can stop liking Kony stuff on Facebook and wearing wristbands and telling your friends how SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT THIS ISSUE IS, if you hadn't stopped within a day of seeing the video.

The trend is gone, the impact on society nullified.

KONY 2012 is dead (well, figuratively); long live Zach Parise and #PariseWatch.

What is #PariseWatch, absolutely no one reading this asks?

Well, it's the latest installment of a now-yearly phenomenon during which The Internet adds a new prefix to the word "Watch," hashtags the hell out of it and observes pseudo-journalists as they digitally stumble around and guess really, really hard about what some guy they have zero contact with is going to do.

Steal unverified reports and tweet them without attribution, guess without provocation, spam for the sake of retweeting and retweet for the sake of spamming, 140 characters at a time. Get your name out there and bask in the afterglow of... saying absolutely nothing.

Updates aplenty, news ascarce.

On Sunday, #PariseWatch was imminent and really important. Lots of nothing was reported, but it was reported vigorously. We were enthralled.

On Monday, #PariseWatch was all imminent and really, really important. There was a short press conference in the afternoon where nothing broke and we read in-depth analysis of the nothingness. We remained enthralled.

On Tuesday, the #PariseWatch machine sprung a leak, began to sputter. Patience wore down, the moment drew out. The subject, it seems, wanted to take some time to make up his mind.

"Welcome to the 21st century," The Internet says to #PariseWatch, clearly disappointed in its offspring. "Say goodbye to your trending status, your relevance, your Google Analytics score. You are no longer needed until you are needed."

Just go on the Twitter beast, search for "Parise quiet" and see what pops up.

Fewer and fewer people talking about nothing happening. The most important decision ever, lost in an extended moment.

What movie was it that said life was a series of moments, and to seize yours? I'm sure it was good. Twitter took that, and made life a series of moments. Shorter and shorter moments, each vitally important until they're done, disposed of shortly after.

#PariseWatch? Irrelevant for now.

Give it a few days. It'll briefly be really, really important again. Life-changing. And then gone forever.

Like that Kony guy.

Penguins give up lots of goals, surrender lead again. Lose 8-5 to Flyers and fall behind 2-0 in series.

Stephen Catanese — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 01:17:22 -0000

Pittsburgh may be the only hockey town on the planet where an early two-goal advantage is looked at with increasing skepticism, especially against the Philadelphia Flyers.

For the second game in a row, they jumped out to a quick lead.

For the second game in a row, the Flyers stormed back, answering each punch with an equally devastating counter-punch.

And for the second game in a row, the Penguins relinquished a multi-goal lead on home ice -- two, to be exact -- and fell to the Flyers 8-5 in Game Two of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals at the CONSOL Energy Center.

Pittsburgh is now down 2-0 in the best of seven series, and heads to Philadelphia with a statistical and emotional mountain to climb in what will assuredly be a very hostile, boisterous environment.

Sidney Crosby and Chris Kunitz put the Penguins up 2-0 early, sending the capacity home crowd into boisterous celebration.

All it took to stop the party was -- and no hyperbole here -- unbelievable save from Ilya Bryzgalov and a retaliatory tally from the suddenly villainous Maxime Talbot shortly after. Suddenly, a shroud of "oh no, not again" began to descend over the CONSOL Energy Center.

Paul Martin (PAUL MARTIN) reestablished the Penguins two-goal cushion with seconds left in the first period. But a pair of Claude Giroux goals in the second, including a second short handed goal for the Flyers, evened things at 3-3.

Kunitz responded in Giroux-like fashion, putting away a James Neal rebound to give the Penguins another lead...

...another lead that was lost in the waning seconds of the period thanks to Sean Coururier, who finished past a prone Marc-Andre Fleury.

Leaving everything to play for in the third period.

The Penguins jumped out on the right foot, with Tyler Kennedy sliding a backhander past Bryzgalov, re-reestablishing the hosts lead at 5-4.

That's when the Flyers scored four goals in a row. The game winner? From Jaromir Jagr of course. Oh, and Giroux managed to sneak a hat trick into the evening with an empty net goal in the dying seconds.

Game three is on Sunday in Philadelphia.

Guys, cool it on the nonsense and trolling in the comments section. You'll notice the comments on...

Stephen Catanese — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 11:06:46 -0000

Guys, cool it on the nonsense and trolling in the comments section. You'll notice the comments on last night's game story were cut by about 60 percent.

Arguing is fine. Just because you're here and you're a Flyers fan doesn't mean you're not welcome (and a note to those of you flagging comments, just because a Flyers fan says something you disagree with doesn't mean they're doing something wrong).

But the overtly trolly stuff? Yeah. No warnings in the playoffs.

And FYI: Next person who gets banned also gets their IP address sent to Steve MacIntyre.

Penguins collapse in playoff opener, fall to Flyers 4-3 in overtime.

Stephen Catanese — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 01:15:56 -0000

"Ugly."

The word is stuck within the mind upon a cerebral Post-It.

"Flat" is jotted down too, but "ugly" is in bold, highlighted and reigns supreme.

The Penguins came out on fire Wednesday night in the first game of their opening round playoff match-up against the Philadelphia Flyers. Sidney Crosby, Tyler Kennedy scored goals in rapid fire succession and Pascal Dupuis added a cherry on top near the end of the opening frame, lending the hosts a dominant 3-0 lead by the end of the first period.

Alas, it was only a loan. Things slowly, gradually fell apart. A sneaky Danny Briere goal here, another there, a gradually eroding defense all over the place.

Suddenly, it's the third period and it's tied. Again. And it's overtime, and a game that had once seemed in the bag against the Flyers was suddenly very much out of it and up for grabs. Again. As a friend once put it, tongue firmly planted in cheek, "Them's the breaks."

And when you stop making your own breaks, you tend to get broken. The Penguins certainly did, and after a 4-3 overtime loss, they're now down 1-0 in this best of seven series.

From beginning to the shortly-arriving end of overtime, the Penguins were undeniably sloppy. Disarray ruled the ice for 2:23 until Jakub Voracek deposited the puck past a sprawling Marc-Andre Fleury and into a wide open net.

Prophecy fulfilled.

How close this all could've come to not happening.

Danny Briere got the Flyers on the board in the second period thanks to some fortuitously poor officiating and an undeniably ice-cold finish. A stride offside, he nevertheless collected the puck sans whistle and beat Fleury, who had been rock-solid up until that point (and for the most part after) to narrow the score to 3-1.

And to be sure, this loss can not be blamed on a single blown call.

Briere struck again in the third, scoring on a seeing eye shot that was seemingly beamed from Point A up to the USS Enterprise and back down into the net, making it 3-2 and giving anyone in black and gold who cared at all an uneasy feeling in the pit of their stomach.

A monstrous hit from Brooks Orpik seemed to give the Penguins a needed shot of adrenaline, but he was whistled for interference and, well, that was that for the lead. Brayden Schenn's goal was his third point of the night, and the Flyers undeniably were in control from there.

Game, set and... well, not match. Not yet, at least. Game three is on Friday, with the opening face off scheduled for just after 7:30.

The Battle of Pennsylvania renewed: Penguins - Flyers series preview

Stephen Catanese — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:49:01 -0000

Penguins. Flyers. Preview requirements satisfied. Enough said.

And really, it is. Assumedly, the majority of internet perusers stumbling upon this posting are well aware of the historical significance of this rivalry. Of just how badly these two teams and their respective fan bases tend to hate one another.

In terms of historical playoff results, call it a toss up. The Flyers own a 3-2 advantage, but the Penguins triumphed the last two times they met in the playoffs -- a Stanley Cup final appearance in 2008 and the ultimate triumph of 2009.

That 2009 Stanley Cup victory is the type of thing Penguins fans love to rub in the face of Flyers supporters as evidence of western Pennsylvania superiority in sports financially governed by a salary cap. Though the Flyers have historically been more successful, and hold a dominant 141-82-30 series advantage over the Penguins, they haven't won a Stanley Cup since going back-to-back in 1974 and 1975. The Penguins did the same in 1991 and 1992, but 2009 just put it over the top, "it" being the idea that the Flyers are jinxed and the Penguins are not. At least not in the 21st century.

But beyond the results, there are overt philosophical differences. The Broadstreet Bullies versus the high-flying Penguings. Physical supremacy versus offensive skill.

That's the legend and the feeling at heart at least, even if it doesn't match up with the reality of things.

While the Flyers' 1318 penalty minutes led the NHL by a mile -- 173 more than Ottawa, who finished second, and 438 ahead of the Penguins, who lived up to Mario Lemieux's words and dropped down to 19th -- they don't own physical dominance over the Penguins anymore.

Pittsburgh is on the smallish and old size -- we're talking about the team now, not the city -- but physical, aggressive play has typified the team since head coach Dan Bylsma took over. The Penguins led the NHL in goals scored with 273, 13 ahead of the Flyers, who finished tied for second. But those Penguins goals aren't all the result of tic-tac-toe passing. Most of the time it's crashing the net, cashing in on rebounds, shooting prolifically, cycling the puck down low and forcing it in front.

The results are perfect, but they're just brought about in a different manner. Even with Evgeni Malkin slicing and dicing the competition to the tune of 50 goals, with linemate James Neal scoring 40, both career highs, the Penguins are now a north-south team.

Philadelphia still brings a physical, one could reasonably say agitating, style to its game, but it's also much more skillful than a typically imagined Flyers squad. Claude Giroux comfortably led the team in scoring and finished third in the NHL with 93 points, doing so while playing a skilled, clean game.

Similarly, Jaromir Jagr -- we'll get back to him in a second -- finished third on the Flyers with 54 points in 73 games, mainly while staying out of the box. Danny Briere, Kimmo Timonen, Jakub Voacek, Matt Read, James van Riemsdyk, etc. etc. play styles that are really hard to find fault with.

But then you run into sterotypical professional wrestling bad guy Scott Hartnell and Zac Rinaldo and the legend again becomes the reality.

Adding to the intrigue of this match-up are the inclusions of Jagr and Maxime Talbot, each shunning black and Vegas gold in favor of orange and white. Both recieved firm contract offers to play in Pittsburgh this season and both, regardless of the reasonable circumstances, chose to ply their trade in Philadelphia. That's all that will matter to most Penguins fans.

Ex-Flyer Arron Asham is now a Penguin, but it's doubtful the Flyers faithful still take his exit as a sucker punch to the heart (if they ever did).

Both Jagr and Talbot have shown steely nerves in the regular season in Pittsburgh, with Jagr finally showing an ability to drown out the relentless boo birds flung from the rafters of any Pittsburgh arena. The playoffs, however, are a different animal. And the performance of two one-time Penguins playoff heroes could determine how far the Penguins go once again this year.

Penguins defense hangs Brad Thiessen out to dry in 8-4 loss to Senators

Stephen Catanese — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 01:35:14 -0000

Brad Thiessen really isn't that good. An upgrade over Brent Johnson, he is not. Not yet, at least.

Thiessen's not awful, he's not beyond repair. He's just not a guy you want to rely on in a time of need. Need bailed out? He's not posting bail. Maybe he'll be the designated driver, or he'll let you use him as a reliable fall-back excuse to your wife, "Yeah honey, we definitely didn't go to wherever it is you think I shouldn't go, we were at Brad Thiessen's house playing Settlers of Catan and drinking Zima."

So, it's kind of key, just after your captain narrows a two-goal deficit to a one-goal deficit to not surrender a breakaway. To Jason Spezza. Which Thiessen probably can't save. And doesn't.

Or, when you get a power play opportunity shortly after, you don't leave Evgeni Malkin as your lone man back defending a two-on-one rush, and force him to take a penalty while defending it.. Malkin's a wonderful player, and improving in the defensive zone... he's not wonderful at defending odd-man rushes while skating backwards.

So yeah, there were some problems. And the Penguins lost by a bunch, 8-4, reflecting how those problems ruined them in the end, and giving two valuable points to a Senators squad clinging to its spot as the seventh seed in the east with just six games remaining.

The Pens, meanwhile, fall three points behind the New York Rangers, making the propositions of the flightless birds nabbing the top seed in the East all the more unlikely with eight games left.

But there were positives. Can't overlook the positives. Matt Cooke bagged a pair of goals. He's up to 19, one away from 20.

Matt Cooke. Twenty-goal scorer. Say it again. Savor it.

He's greatly benefited from being on the same line as returning playmaker supreme, Sidney Crosby, who finally scored his first goal since returning from his second prolonged spell recovering from post-concussion syndrome.

But Cooke's been a solid offensive contributor all season, so we can't place too much importance on Crosby's return in this regard. Crosby has been great at accelerating the offense for Cooke -- a lot -- but Cooke's been able to showcase his playing ability significantly more now that he's not busy twiddling his thumbs in the penalty box or serving a suspension in press row anymore.

And the Penguins are still very, very good. This type of result can happen to aggressive teams with back-ups in the net while trying to overcome a deficit. You don't have to like it, and you rightly shouldn't. But you shouldn't be surprised when it happens.

Also, on a non-Penguins note, it's nice to see Craig Anderson's return to form in Ottawa, after falling off of the map in Colorado last season. Anderson hasn't been perfect, but he's been solid. After coming in for an injured Ben Bishop, Anderson played well in relief, and was one of the main reasons the Senators were able to stabilize in the defensive zone and take the game to the Penguins

Don't turn your television off for too long. The Pens will be back on the ice in less than 24 hours, when they host the Devils at the CONSOL Energy Center at 7:00.

Safe to say, there should be less scoring. Should be.

Hat-trick hero James Neal, Penguins turn on the flair, soar past Jets 8-4

Stephen Catanese — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 01:36:30 -0000

The Penguins are good at hockey, and to prove it they scored eight goals against the Winnipeg Jets Tuesday night. Winnipeg scored four, good enough for most nights, especially on the road. But not on March 20 and not in Pittsburgh.

Evgeni Malkin had FIVE points.

James Neal had FOUR points, but more impressively, THREE goals for the hat trick.

Sidney Crosby had FOUR assists. Goalless through through four games, he still has managed to register NINE assists. He's up to 21 points in 12 games this season.

Pascal Dupuis scored again. He's up to 21 goals. That's a career-high for the soon-to-be 33-year-old winger.

Only seven Penguins didn't register points tonight, 11 did (believe it or not, Kris Letang didn't score a point).

Just FOUR Jets finished the game with an even or better plus-minus rating.

All of those numbers don't equal an 11-game winning streak, but math like that seems like it should do something good. Like overcome some shaky defending and suspect goaltending.

But eight goals? Defense-schmefense. Points are prettier.

It's hard hating on the Jets, as they really do play a clean, enjoyable brand of hockey. It's just that, with mediocre goaltending and against a team like the Penguins, it's not too much of a surprise when the score gets absurd. Again.

The Pens are up to 96 points now, just a single, lone, solitary overtime loss behind the New York Rangers. Should the Rangers stumble against the Detroit Red Wings on Wednesday the Penguins could have an opportunity to overtake them on Thursday.

Yes, with 10 games remaining, it's really time to watch the scoreboard. Things most definitely just got really, really real.

The Nashville Predators visit the Penguins on Thursday. And while recently reacquired forward Alexander Radulov will likely attract much of the attention and make his return to North American ice for the southerners, the biggest test for the Penguins will be handling a defense like the Predators' and a goaltender like Pekka Rinne.

Empathizing with Sidney Crosby

Stephen Catanese — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 16:41:32 -0000

I developed a sinus infection over the weekend. It wasn't fun.

It apparently came from being sick the previous week and, using excellent judgement, going for a run once I thought I was healthy. In the rain.

With mucus remaining from the previous malady and sinus inflammation resulting from the physical exertion and less than ideal conditions, an infection occurred. This is when the fun starts.

First, you get light-headed. Not all of the time. Just sometimes. You'll feel good, like nothing's wrong, get ready to go for a run, and then just feel weakness in your head. There goes that.

You'll get sore. Your body's working hard to deal with the parts that are wrong, so the parts that are right aren't given as much in the way of internal support.

Then, you'll get headaches. Or you may actually get the headaches first. I started to get intermittent headaches after a couple days. I'd be fine one second, adjust myself or move to another room and an ear-splitting migraine would develop. It was fun in the not at all way.

I was slated to cover a local high school hockey playoff game Monday night, but couldn't get my head in good enough shape to drive about three minutes to the ice rink.

I felt like a total wimp calling off. After waking up in good spirits and promising the editor that I'd handle the game, I reneged on said promise 30 minutes later when the headaches and light-headedness randomly popped back up.

And I mean, this wasn't physical activity. I wasn't out there trying to skate and balance myself on an unnaturally-created playing surface while wearing sharpened blades on my feet, using an intricately carved apparatus to control a tiny, frozen piece of vulcanized rubber while a bunch of large, strong professional athletes attempted to hit me with the full force of their bodies' capabilities.

No. I was trying to sit and watch kids play a game and type words about it. And I couldn't.

It was incredibly humbling, having the will, desire and ability to do something, but the inability to overcome problems in your head to do it. Not broken bones, sprains or ligament tears. Just balance and head pain.

It gave me an appreciation of not just what Sidney Crosby is trying to overcome, but what so many athletes must deal with and overcome. What a poor sap like Marc Savard has to wake up and manage on a daily basis. How much some NHLers desired success in the sport to play through the headaches, and the nausea, and the lack of balance... and how most of us just couldn't even tell they were.

We've all seen enough of the tweets, message board posts and articles from sad, ill-educated writers about how guys like Crosby aren't of the same mettle of past athletes who did play through concussions (even my beloved Jaromir Jagr demeaned concussions as just headaches this week).

Of course, most of those people never tried to play a sport at its highest level while recovering from physical damage to their brain. Or, apparently, care little of the prospect of having to live the rest of their life without being able to think straight.

Crosby's back tonight. Hopefully he'll be back for a long, long time. I may not know exactly how the last year's been for him, but after the last week, I think I, sadly, have some semblance of an idea.

Kris Letang returns to Penguins lineup tonight against Rangers

Stephen Catanese — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 16:45:10 -0000

Kris Letang returns to Penguins lineup tonight against Rangers

Via Seth Rorabaugh of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. According to Dan Bylsma, he'll be paired with Paul Martin. Bylsma also said Letang should see a reduced workload. Sidney Crosby, meanwhile, skated with Tyler Kennedy and Matt Cooke this morning.

Jordan Staal, Increased Secondary Scoring Keys To Penguins' Recent Success

Stephen Catanese — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 13:19:40 -0000

The Penguins did something good throughout in January when they snapped longest losing streak of head coach Dan Bylsma's tenure and started winning a bunch of games. But initially they also got into the bad habit of relying too heavily upon the heroics of Evgeni Malkin.

It's a nice problem to have, being able to rely on a dynamic player like Malkin, who is currently tied for the league lead in scoring with 84 points. But it's still a problem. Teams that are overly reliant on one player are not prone to lasting long in the NHL postseason. Eliminate the threat, and you eliminate the team.

Add in the well-documented history of injury troubles for not only the imminently-returning Sidney Crosby, but Kris Letang as well, and James Neal showing signs of entering his worryingly consistent yearly second-half goal-scoring slump (one goal in his last 10 games) and you could've found a Penguins team in serious trouble as the season neared its climax.

But a funny thing started happening. Role players started doing more than just playing their roles.

In January, the Penguins scored 36 goals in 12 games, for an even three goals per game. It was a tidy sum for any team, but even tidier considering that the Pens scored only three goals in their first four games of the month. Still, the primary producer was Malkin, who scored 12 goals and 16 points in January.

In February, the Pens increased their total to 45 goals in 13 games, or 3.46 per game. A slight increase, but not a massive one. The beauty is in the details.

Malkin, historically maligned for his inconsistency, has been a consistent scorer in 2011-12, putting up point totals of 16, 20, 16 and 20 in the four full months of the season (Nov., Dec., Jan., Feb.).

Notably, the following Penguins saw dramatic increases in production in February:

Chris Kunitz: Moving up from one goal and six points in January to four goals and 12 points in February and a pair of goals in his first five games in March.
Pascal Dupuis: Up from three points, none of them goals, in January, to four goals and nine points in February. In March, he already has five points in five games.
Steve Sullivan: Doubling his point total from five in January to 10 in February, his best month of the season. He's got four points in five games in March.
Jordan Staal: Recovering from an injury-plagued, indifferent December and cameo appearance in January, where he combined for three goals and no assists in 11 games, Staal scored 11 points in nine games in February. That's a big deal. Six points in five games in March.
Matt Cooke: Up from four points to 10 in February, his best month of the season as well.

When Malkin keeps at his normal pace and other players start to chip in, you get things like the Penguins' current nine-game winning streak.

Why is this happening? There are probably a few reasons, but the main one is the return of Staal, a player really coming into his own this season. Unsurprisingly, Dupuis and Sullivan have had a lot of ice time with Staal recently.

It can't be overstated how important these increased contributions from secondary players (to be fair, that's a term that doesn't accurately describe Staal anymore) are in playoff games. That's when top lines are focused on, and occasionally shut down. When games matter.

That's also when its time for the other lines to step up.

The Penguins are getting that right now. As long as they continue to, they'll be a force to be reckoned with in the Eastern Conference.

For more on the Penguins, check out Pensburgh.

Pensburgh Q&A: Peter Taglianetti

Stephen Catanese — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 17:56:58 -0000

A few weeks ago we asked readers to submit questions to ask former Penguins defenseman Peter Taglianetti. Here are the answers to those questions.

When you're done, check out Peter's website. He can frequently be found sharing his unique insights on sports and hockey there, or as a guest on 97.3 the Fan. Peter is one of the driving forces behind POWERPLAY, a series of personal training videos crafted specifically with hockey players in mind.

Anything in parenthesis is commentary or clarity added by me.

1). (Submitted by Carbonite) Outside of winning the Stanley Cup, what is your favorite memory from the time you spent as a Penguin?

I don't think you can pin point just one thing because everything is so intertwined. Being part of the overall experience of transforming the Pens from a good team and a good organization to a great team and an elite organization (was special).

2). (Submitted by cyroose) What was the best prank you saw in an NHL locker room?

Back when there was wooden sticks, we used to saw half way through the stick and rewrap the stickers around the saw cut, and then just watch the player fall down. It was childish, but fun.

3). (Submitted by wg1of5) Do you have any particular advice for a young defenseman hoping to play DI collegiate hockey this fall?

Find your niche and exploit it. The problem is that everyone wants to do everything. Find the one thing you do well and get better at it.

4). (Submitted by wg1of5) What were the biggest differences you encountered between high school/junior hockey and collegiate hockey, and between the collegiate and pro games?

The size and speed of the players. In high school you are the best, you go to college and you're suddenly one of the 24 best players, and have to make that climb and starting that process over again. It's the same thing at every level you go to.

5).(Submitted by docciavelli) In 1994-95, your last season with the Penguins, Richard Park was called up from juniors and played a couple of games during the regular season and playoffs. Do you recall Park's style of play back then?

Richard was a smallish guy but was able to skate very well. He used a very long stick, same as Mario's, and was able to use that to his advantage.

6). (Submitted by docciavelli) You played your final year of professional hockey with the Providence Bruins in 1995-96, and just so happened to be a teammate of Peter Laviolette. Did anything seen from him on NHL 24/7 this year surprise you at all?

He was a career minors guy, and never goy a shot to play in the NHL. He's a very smart guy and utilized that ability to start a coaching career.

7). (Submitted by docciavelli) As an ex-Winnipeg Jet, were you excited to see the NHL return to the city?

Very much so. It is a great city and it was devastated when they left, but that was mainly because of the Canadian dollar and economy (back then).

8). (Submitted by me (obviously)) How did you get involved in the WWF's Yokozuna Body Slam Challenge on the U.S.S. Intrepid on July 4, 1993? It's always kind of funny going back and seeing you as the first guy who "couldn't" slam Yokozuna.

The year I played in Tampa, I was able to befriended Jimmy "Mouth of the South " Hart. So when they put it together, Vince McMahon called and I jumped at it. My kids were into wrestling at the time. I did it mostly for them.

9). And an even more random final question from docciavelli... you played with Chris Terreri at Providence College. Were rumors true that, even at 5-foot-9, Terreri could dunk a basketball?

Not only could he dunk a small basketball, but he also played Jai alai.

(Not sure what Jai alai is? I wasn't either. until I looked it up and recognized the images. Here's a 22-year-old documentary on the sport.)

Big thanks to Peter for taking some time out to do this for us. He's on Twitter @PeterTags and tweets very actively, almost without fail, during Penguins games.

ESPN.com: Fulham is everybody's second favorite team.

Stephen Catanese — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 18:15:43 -0000

ESPN.com: Fulham is everybody's second favorite team.

Flattering piece written mainly from an American perspective. Author David Hirshey seems to love everything about the club, from the attractive style of play, to its tradition, to Martin Jol's resemblance to a stereotypical dock worker.

"With its quaint little ground and strong working-class ethos, Fulham is a throwback to the days of terraces, Bovril and spending wind-swept games huddled along the banks of the River Thames. And yet, despite seeming to fit all the traditions of English soccer -- densely-packed stands hugging a narrow, damp pitch, perfect for the long ball and leg-snapping tackles -- the Cottagers just happen to be playing some of the most entertaining soccer in the Prem."

Jordan Staal on track as Penguins come back from two-goal deficit, defeat Leafs 3-2

Stephen Catanese — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 03:59:22 -0000

Pascal Dupuis was the man of the night, scoring a pair of goals and registering an assist as the Penguins climbed back from two down in the second period to defeat the Maple Leafs 3-2.

From my vantage, it read more as an endorsement of Jordan Staal's gradual maturation into a legitimate impact player.

Jordan Staal

#11 / Center / Pittsburgh Penguins

Height: 6-4

Weight: 220

Born: Sep 10, 1988

	GP	G	A	P	+/-	PIM	PPG	SHG	GWG	GTG	SOG	PCT
2011 - Jordan Staal	46	22	14	36	8	30	5	3	0		108	20.4

At one point in the season it seemed like the proper thing to do was announce that Jordan Staal had unequivocally arrived, and proceed to get giddy over his early contributions. A good October and an even better November gave some credence to the belief that that was the case.

Still, one maligned group that I'm a card carrying member of -- let's call them 'skeptics' -- cried out: Nay! Tis early in the season. Hold back such prognostications lest ye confuse a streak with a full-bodied change.

December came and the streak theory seemed relevant. Staal failed to register a single point in seven games between Nov. 29 and Dec. 20. Injuries assuredly had something to do that that, but any and all potency was gone.

Jordan Staal was again the Jordan Staal of yesteryear, a player valued for his physical tools and occasional offensive flourishes, while frequently frustrating for his lack of consistency at both ends of the ice.

Staal wound up missing most of January with another injury, or a continuation of the same one. Or a bunch of other injuries. You can never really speak of these things with certainty when it comes to the Penguins.

When he returned in February, he started scoring at his hot, early-season clip again. We're now in March and he's riding a six-game point streak.

Even still, the opening and closing games of this current streak sandwich a four-game goalless skid. Nothing to get worried or worked up about, naturally. Every player goes through skids like that. Sometimes though, with Staal, you just began to expect that streak to extend.

It's just that this time it didn't really feel like a skid or the end of a tail end of a streak. Staal was still using his size well, contributing effectively on offense, not looking like a guy who was about to enter a prolonged spell without a goal.

And tonight made it obvious that Staal wouldn't have to wait long, as he scored the game-tying goal in the third period that helped pave the way to the Penguins' eventual victory.

The Pens have now won seven in a row and are 19-4-1 in their last 24 games. That's very good. They're still six points behind the Rangers. That's not so good, but better than they were of days ago. If the Penguins can keep pace after Friday and Sunday games against Florida and Boston, next Thursday's game at Madison Square Garden could have massive implications.

Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself, something the Penguins certainly can't do as they enter this three-game stretch against all three Eastern Conference division leaders.

Penguins 2, Coyotes 1: Michalek scores, Cooke gets beaten up, and Fleury does it all.

Stephen Catanese — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 17:20:17 -0000

Ok, I was covering high school hockey last night and missed the Penguins 2-1 victory over the surprisingly (over the season, rather than individual game) good Phoenix Coyotes.

But based on what I read and saw in the highlights, it was mostly Marc-Andre Fleury making tons of saves...

...Zbynek Michalek continuing the welcome trend of everyone getting in on the scoring...

...and Matt Cooke -- again -- being punished for being Matt Cooke.

Did I miss anything?

Something worth noting is Evgeni Malkin logging 19:03 of ice time, the fourth time in the last 11 games that he's logged under 20 minutes on the ice. After spending most of December under 20 minutes a night, Malkin only logged under 20 minutes once in 18 games between Dec. 29 and and Feb. 7.

If I tried to read into this in any way, shape or form, I'd assume that the aforementioned uptick in secondary scoring and return of Jordan Staal is allowing Dan Bylsma to not need to rely on Malkin quite as much as he was when the Penguins were essentially doing all of their scoring with one line. By keeping Malkin under that magic number "20," he can at least try to keep him fresh through a very hectic March schedule and the playoffs immediately follow it.

The end of the "BUT YOU HAVE MATT COOKE" argumentative crutch

Stephen Catanese — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 18:18:12 -0000

One of the many unfortunate side effects of the Eric Nystrom hit on Kris Letang that currently has the Penguins defenseman out with a suspected concussion is the bickering amongst fan bases that has followed in its wake.

As Brandon Worley of Defending Big D laid out last week -- in very, very meticulous detail -- a lot of Penguins fans decided to say a lot of mean things to Nystrom. Initially, Nystrom took the high road. Over the weekend, he fired back before quickly -- and to my eyes sincerely -- apologizing for his verbal retorts. Everyone has a breaking point.

Whether you agree or not, the guy believes he threw a clean hit on Letang and feels bad about the injury it caused. Not a fun place to be in mentally.

An oft overlooked ingredient in all of this name-calling and boorish behavior is the most widely used statement thrown in the direction of Penguins fans and players during such arguments. You know, besides the bandwagon stuff.

I speak of the frequent insertion, in any hit debate, of the "but your team has Matt Cooke" retort, as one commenter used in the above link. And everyone seemed to agree with while chummily patting one another on the back and pressing the rec button en masse. Even better, it was reddited to coincide with a meme. Awesome.

Much like the Chewbacca Defense, it seems to pack a rhetorical wallop. But, upon closer inspection, it's gibberish.

Outside of Cooke's minuscule 26 penalty minutes in 64 games (for comparison's sake, he finished last season with 129 in 67 games), the guy's been flat out playing an honest game this season. We've seen more 3-on-5 short handed goals from Cooke than we've seen major penalties and game misconducts. Really.

Still productive, physical and effective on the penalty kill without having to take people out. Who'da thunk it? Not me.

Instead of the blatantly fake "What did I do?" looks of yesteryear whenever he was sent to the box for maiming some poor bastard, we're now frequently privy to looks of disappointment and confusion furrowed upon his brow when a situation arises that sends him to the box. Nowadays, this tends to be earnest.

As Greg Wyshynski of Puck Daddy said in the aftermath of the "injury" to Jackman:

Cooke, who was given a two-minute minor on the play, made contact with Jackman's left shoulder; but Jackman landed against the boards face-first. Did Cooke shove him? Did Jackman twist to play the puck and land awkwardly? Did Jackman actually turn his back and dive into the boards to draw a call on Cooke?

Honestly, I'm buying the latter theory.

Jackman, naturally, returned to the ice a short while later.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a world where Matt Cooke has become the victim.

On Saturday, a somewhat similar situation took place, at least in mental intent rather than execution.

Some messiness occurred in front of the Colorado Avalanche net. Players for both teams gathered en masse, pushing and shoving. Goaltender Jean-Sebastien Giguere was livid. Cooke, of course, was in the middle.

As an outside observer, with no replay yet available to lean upon, you (or, rather, I) instinctively knew Cooke had to have done something wrong. He always does in these situations. Sentiments flashing through the mind at the time mainly centered around words and phrases such as "disappointment" and "couldn't last forever."

For his part, Cooke was giving the same face he gave post-Jackman hit. "What the hell just happened?"

What happened afterwards would've looked like a statistical anomaly or typographical error in the box score if you had not seen it yourself.

11:28 Colorado roughing - 2 min - J. Giguere drawn by M. Cooke served by M. Olver

Cooke hadn't hit Giguere, he had been roughed up by him. In this weird new world, goalies run Cooke, not vice-versa. And he doesn't hit back. He sits there, takes it. No high elbows, no retaliation.

And so every time a player goes down and one of those typical, bandwagon-riding, silverware-chasing, know-nothing Penguins fans chime in with their disapproval of whatever the infraction may be, don't be that guy who says, "Yeah, but you guys have Matt Cooke..."

At least don't say that unless you extend the sentence with, "....that guy who plays honest, clean hockey." Then again, you'd sound sillier than you already do.

Brian Strait recalled from Wilkes-Barre/Scranton, Kennedy Returns?

Stephen Catanese — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 17:07:29 -0000

Brian Strait recalled from Wilkes-Barre/Scranton, Kennedy Returns?

Meanwhile, Deryk Engelland is out, and listed as day-to-day with the ever-insightful lower body injury. So, there's that.

Tyler Kennedy, meanwhile, may make his return to the lineup after recovering from injury. He skated on the third line during practice today, alongside Matt Cooke and Joe Vitale.

Pavel Pogrebnyak is here to score goals, draw fouls and prove everybody wrong.

Stephen Catanese — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 20:07:17 -0000

It was sadly humorous browsing through a number of message board posts and tweets strewn up in the aftermath of Bobby Zamora's departure from Fulham to Queens Park Rangers and Pavel Pogrebnyak's arrival from VFB Stuttgart.

If you didn't know any better, it would've seemed like Martin Jol traded a skilled player on the verge of breaking into England's first team for some nobody from the nether regions of Germany.

Three games laster, has anyone not been pleased with the return on investment? If so, stand up so you can be told to sit back down.

Pogrebnyak scored his fifth goal in three games on Sunday, becoming the first Fulham player to score goals in his first three games with the club. Not coincidentally, it was Fulham's first three game winning streak in the Premiership since the tail end of the beloved, Roy Hodgson-orchestrated Great Escape in 2008.

All five of Pogrebnyak's goals have been of the pleasant and/or useful variety. An opener at Stoke, a winner at, of all places, Loftus Road, and one scintillating hat trick against hapless Wolverhampton.

Pogrebnyak, of course, isn't really a nobody. He's a Russian international with 31 caps to his name. He was part of the Zenit St. Petersburg team that won the Russian Premier League in 2007, and the Russian Super Cup, UEFA Cup and UEFA Super Cup in 2008.

Oh, and he just happened to be the top scorer in the UEFA Cup during Zenit's run.

Success for Pogrebnyak, despite his recent goal-scoring troubles in the Bundesliga, should not be a surprise.

And, truly, for all of that goal-scoring prowess, it's not the reason why Jol brought him in nor the reason he has been, and will continue to be, a success at the Craven Cottage.

Found coming back into midfield, spearheading attacking movements, or simply running alongside the lively Andrew Johnson, Pogrebnyak was ubiquitous throughout Sunday's lopsided clash on the River Thames.

Controlling a cross in the box and laying it off to Philipe Senderos, who sliced a half-volley wide of net. Dropping off a lovely back-heel pass in midfield and continuing his run down the left flank. Just unilaterally useful.

Most defenses won't be the equivalent of Wolves and QPR, but his brutal effectiveness in, really, all facets of the game against such competition has been impossible to deny. While you can't expect it to go on forever, you certainly shouldn't expect his play to drop off the face of the earth.

Besides link-up play, the statuesque forward has physically been more than a match for most defenders. In his last two games, Pogrebnyak has drawn NINE fouls and only conceded two. For some perspective, Pogrebnyak drew four fouls against Wolves while the rest of the Fulham team drew five.

These are the types of things you could generally expect from Zamora as well. What you seem to see less of, at least in the early going, is that chip on the shoulder and some of the less savory aspects of his play. For as great as Zamora could be, he always exhibited a petulance that made initial rumors of he and Jol butting heads unsurprising.

Losing that, in and of itself, should make Jol's work in gradually reimagining the team all the easier.

It's fun to assume that every eastern European and far-off international will have a difficult adapting to play in the Premier League. Often, this is true. But sometimes, thankfully, you just happen to run into a Pavel Pogrebnyak.

As Kristian so succinctly stated in his report on the Wolverhampton match, "Europe anybody?"

Yes please. And preferably with a hint of Russian in the side.

Hey guys, take it easy on Devin Setoguchi

Stephen Catanese — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 14:43:36 -0000

Everything that's right and wrong with the NHL and modern sports journalism can be encapsulated within this clip and the furor that has followed it:

Game on his stick, Devin Setoguchi, one of the canniest goalscorers in the NHL to never become a consistent goalscorer, glides down the ice towards Carey Price and... falls on his face.

Even rougher is the Benny Hill version.

Laughs abound. Headlines: "SETOGUCHI BLOWS IT," "POINT AND LAUGH AT SETOGUCHI," "THAT GUY CAN'T EVEN SKATE LOL." Or at least the equivalent of that.

The problem is, there wouldn't have even been a shootout if not for one Devin Setoguchi.

Setoguchi's goal, with 10 seconds remaining, capped the Wild's comeback from a three-goal deficit in the third period and forced overtime, giving the Wild a valuable point as they desperately cling to their fading playoff ambitions. He also assisted on Dany Heatley's goal with 1:43 left in the period, to make having him out there at the end of the game even relevant.

HE'S A HERO.

No. He's a goat in this, our farcical, clip-oriented world.

To be fair to most bloggers who noted the spectacular shootout fail, it was a pretty darn spectacular fail and most made sure to at least mention that Setoguchi tied the game.

But the legitimate, important stuff was just a footnote, not the headline.

It wasn't: "Devin Setoguchi scored two points, including the game-tying goal with seconds remaining in the Minnesota Wild's 5-4 shootout loss to the Montreal Canadiens. Unfortunately, as Minnesota's third and final shooter, he lost the puck and fell on his face in a spectacular mishap. Here's the video."

Instead, we get a whole lot of "LOOK AT THIS STUPID IDIOT FALL ON HIS FACE. He tied the game earlier, BUT HE BLEW IT DURING THE POST-GAME SKILLS COMPETITION."

All while failing to mention that two other Wild players before him also managed to miss -- they lost the shootout 1-0 -- without having the indignity of falling on their face.

So go ahead, Devin. Let the hater's hate. Just know that, in this little corner of the internet, your strong performance did not go unnoticed.

Penguins Defenseman Kris Letang Has Concussion-Like Symptoms

Stephen Catanese — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 22:18:16 -0000

Josh Yohe of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review tweeted today that Penguins’ defenseman Kris Letang has shown concussion-like symptoms as a result of a hit he took from Dallas Stars winger Eric Nystrom in the Penguins’ 4-3 victory last night.

It was also announced today that Nystrom would not be suspended by the NHL for the hit.

Letang also missed 21 games earlier in the season after he suffered a concussion on a hit from Max Pacioretty of the Montreal Canadiens.

Despite missing such an extended period of time, Letang played in the NHL all-star game for the second consecutive season, and has put up 31 points in 40 games this campaign.

Matt Niskanen, who saw his ice time effectively neutered upon Letang’s return, will likely be leaned upon on to fill the sudden void on the power play.

Make no mistake, if the Penguins truly entertain notions of reaching the Stanley Cup finals, Letang is an incredibly vital piece of the team’s puzzle.

Kris Letang has concussion-like symptoms.

Stephen Catanese — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 22:09:44 -0000

Kris Letang has concussion-like symptoms.

Clearly, Jeremy Roenick was right when he said Eric Nystrom never made contact with Letang's face. Clearly.

Regardless of the intent or legality of said hit, now's the part where you just cross your fingers and hope for the best.

Letang, Sullivan go down, but Penguins defeat Stars 4-3 (SO)

Stephen Catanese — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 03:32:10 -0000

Winning professional hockey games is difficult. Winning them against hot teams like the Dallas Stars, who had won four in a row heading into Wednesday night's contest, is even trickier. Winning games against hot teams like the Dallas Stars on the road after surrendering the first goal and losing a solid forward and your best defenseman is Gordian Knot-like.

But the Penguins won, battling through D. "All Of The Above" to earn 4-3 shootout victory in a sparsely filled American Airlines Center that sounded a lot like the Civic Arena circa-1999. That's now four wins in a row for the Pens, and seven victories in their last nine contests.

Marc-Andre Fleury was really, really good. He made 30 saves on 33 shots, many of the eye-popping variety. He needed to sans Letang, while Deryk Engelland and Brooks Orpik were habitually were caught out of position. So it goes.

The forward corps as a whole were solid. Chris Kunitz, Craig Adams and Steve Sullivan all scored goals. Pascal Dupuis, of all people, netted the winner in the shootout. That's the type of scoring sampling you find from successful teams in June.

With no offense intended to Sullivan, the real news of the game centers on Letang. Both in the nature of his injury and the ramifications of what a Letang-less future poses to the Penguins.

Much more on that after the jump.

You knew things were bad as soon as you saw Letang lying in a heap on the ice, writhing in agony as his hands covered his face. The defenseman was felled by Stars winger Eric Nystrom, physical, perhaps permanent, punishment for a major self-defense infraction.

Two things need to be made clear on a play like this:

1). Letang made a mistake by leaving his head out in the open. A defenseman as skilled and knowledgeable as he is should know by now that reaching out for a puck, leaning forward with your head prone and open is always a recipe for disaster. It's something you're taught from day one playing hockey: KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. Letang didn't, and he was made to pay for it.

That being said...

2). Nystrom's hit is the type that needs to be evicted from hockey. This is a fast, "bang-bang" play, the type that, upon first look, you empathize with Nystrom. He's playing hard out there. The only way he could avoid Letang is to not hustle, or so I thought upon initial inspection.

But the key is that Nystrom isn't going in to win the puck. Period.

Nystrom has no designs on winning possession and initiating an attacking maneuver. He has designs on laying a big hit on an important player.

Yeah, fun stuff. Maybe it'll get you on a highlight reel some day. But it's the type of thing that creates situations like this. Letang, in a moment of naivete, leaves himself prone. Nystrom, flying in, guns blazing, punishes him.

How long will Letang be out for? Who knows. The Penguins are saying "upper body," which, in its own, ambiguous way, points in big, bright neon lights to "concussion" in the dictionary of the mind's eye.

The Pens have two days off before they play the Avalanche in Colorado on Saturday. For as porous as the defense was after he left, and for as much as one genuinely cares about his health, it'd be nice to see Letang play. Just don't count on it happening.

Penguins Trade Deadline: By Doing Nothing, Ray Shero Said Everything

Stephen Catanese — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 23:15:22 -0000

Sometimes what you don't do says a lot more than what you actually do.

Case in point: Ray Shero, general manager of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Over the years, Shero has shown a penchant for the spectacular as the NHL trade deadline draws near.

On his first deadline, in 2007, he pulled off a number of small moves, but had one major goal in mind: toughen up the team. The acquisitions of Penguin cult hero Gary Roberts and noted heavyweight brawler Georges Laraque provided that. Mission accomplished.
In 2008, he made his biggest deadline-day splash, pulling off a blockbuster seemingly out of nowhere. Shero brought in Marian Hossa and Pascal Dupuis from Atlanta for Colby Armstrong, Erik Christensen, prospect Angelo Esposito and a 2008 first round pick. The moves were made not only because he thought the Penguins had a chance to succeed, but to show the NHL that the franchise was serious again. Mission accomplished.
In 2009, Shero not only fired head coach Michel Therrien just over a week before the deadline, but he pulled off another big move, acquiring Chris Kunitz and Eric Tangradi from Anaheim for puck-moving defenseman Ryan Whitney. The primary goal was to add a scoring winger to a team that sorely needed one, but Shero also proved he wasn't afraid to mess with the recipe that returned the Penguins to competence. They won the Stanley Cup, so the mission was obviously accomplished.
In 2010, he added a puck-moving defenseman in Jordan Leopold and a scoring winger in Alexei Ponikarovsky. Ponikavovsky didn't score, but both moves addressed needs.
In 2011, with the team facing a spate of injuries, Shero executed the much-ballyhooed Alex Goligoski for James Neal and Matt Niskanen trade, as well as bringing in Alex Kovalev to hopefully add some punch on offense. Three skilled players in, one skilled player and a draft pick out. Reinforcements arrived. Missions all accomplished.

At the 2012 trade deadline Shero did ... nothing. Nada. Zero. Zip.

The resulting statement was simple: Mission accomplished.

Shero likes what he sees from the team, and rightfully so. The Penguins are playing the brand of hockey that he and head coach Dan Bylsma have worked toward for years now. Fast and aggressive, small, but physical and built to skate for miles and miles.

So why tinker with what's working?

Minor flaws with the roster are bound to be found. Fans and analysts alike irritated with Paul Martin's less-than-convincing play this season were hoping to see the defenseman and his $5 million price tag shipped away. Same with backup goaltender Brent Johnson.

Problem is, the Penguins, a team most definitely aiming to win a championship, would've had trouble finding replacements equal to the losses. How many defensemen with Martin's pedigree would've been available and affordable? How about Johnson's experience and usual competence in a backup role?

Also factoring into things is the harsh reality that the club is dangerously close to the salary cap ceiling and Sidney Crosby's price tag is currently not on the books. The key word is "currently."

Whenever, if ever, Crosby does come back, that salary will affect the Penguins' cap number once more. The days he missed won't work in the club's favor by taking a portion of his earnings away from his cap number. All of it will come back, even retroactively.

Was Shero handcuffed a bit? Perhaps. But that never stopped him before.

An open, anonymous letter to Penguins management: Has the fan experience deteriorated at CONSOL Energy Center?

Stephen Catanese — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 03:03:58 -0000

An open, anonymous letter to Penguins management: Has the fan experience deteriorated at CONSOL Energy Center?

Posted over at The Pensblog. How many of you harbor sentiments similar to the author?

Five things the Penguins need to do EVERY DAY so we can generate lots of lists and page views

Stephen Catanese — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 16:59:33 -0000

5). Put somebody on injured reserve

People getting hurt sucks. Fans get worried, so they scour the internet for news.

That's when we pounce, putting up a list of the worst injuries to face the Penguins ever or something. Bada bing! Instant page views.

4). Win a playoff game

Wins are awesome, especially in the playoffs. "WE WON, I NEED TO GO ON THE INTERNET AND FIND OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE PENGUINS TO TO CELEBRATE WITH AND/OR PEOPLE WHO HATE THE PENGUINS TO MOCK."

This is best taken advantage of when accompanied by a list.

3). Leak rumors to the media right before July 1.

Shero wants to sign Marian Hossa? Or Dan Hamhuis? Or Jaromir Jagr? Or Janne frickin' Pesonen? Or Billy Tibbets? Get some articles out there press. Call some agents, get some banal quotes.

We'll link to it. And post a list of guys the Penguins should sign or have signed or shouldn't sign or whatever. Something with lists.

LISTS = $$$

2). Get in a bunch of fights!

First we'll get indignant. Back in your cage, Gillies! Then discuss why the guy on the other team should be suspended for a month, and why the league should be lenient on Matt Cooke.

Oh wait, it's 2012. Nevermind! Next, add in a fight video (make sure to put VIDEO in the headline).

Finally, we'll put up a list of FIGHTS.

1). TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE

For the love of god, trade somebody. Anybody. Now.

Rick Nash for Richard Park and futures? Andy Delmore for Deryk Engelland? Bobby Orr for Rick Kehoe? Something. Anything. In the words of Don Cherry, LET'S GO.

And then we'll put up a list of... I don't know, maybe mythological beasts again.

Five mythological beasts the Penguins need to sign RIGHT NOW

Stephen Catanese — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 08:18:39 -0000

5). Skunk Ape

It's an ape that smells bad. As apes are incredibly strong, just plant the skunk ape in front of the net and dare defensemen to man-up on it. Good luck with that, homie.

They're supposedly found in Florida, so one or two are probably on the Lightning's roster. I don't know if the Panthers would be willing to part with a skunk ape so close to playoffs.

4). El Chupacabra!

The exclamation is necessary. They're vampiric, sort of like Jim Balsillie, showing up wherever a faint scent of blood can be found.

Chupacabras are known for letting loose a loud screech, and when doing so, their eyes turn red. Stare into the red eyes, and you're attacked by nausea.

El Chupacabra could work wonders as a diversionary player, especially on Evgeni Malkin's line. If you thought Chris Kunitz could create space, just imagine how much room Malkin would have to operate once El Chupacabra made the entire Rangers defense vomit in unison.

3). Jersey Devil

Your move, Lamoriello.

2). Bigfoot

You assume Bigfoot is a mammal, so at least he should be able to communicate with the team in some way. Even though Bigfoot is strong and simultaneously elusive, this would be more of a glamour signing. Sometimes, revenue generation trumps all.

Bigfoot = ratings.

1). The Loch Ness Monster

Nessie!

The Loch Ness Monster has grown up, and lived its entire life, in water. Ice is water. I learned that in science. If the science and logic classes I took are to be trusted, this is a creature meant to dominate on the ice.

While possessing no hands may be a problem, the beast possesses four flippers that could easily be used in a fashion similar to a stick blade. The NHL, in the interests of fair play and anti-discrimination, would surely allow Nessie to use its flippers as legal shooting apparatuses.

And if not, Nessie would just put up 200 assists.

Five dog breeds the Penguins should look into adopting, and one they should avoid, before the NHL trade deadline

Stephen Catanese — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 07:49:30 -0000

5). Airedale Terrier

Fiercely loyal to a fault, Airedale Terriers are strong, working class dogs bred by working class people. They "bring their lunch pail" to work and do a "yeoman-like" job. They would forecheck with extreme prejudice and grind you-know-what down.

Give Arron Asham some additional time on IR to recuperate, and just let an Airedale enforce the ice.

4). Jack Russell Terrier

Undersized, sure. But sprightly, agile and possess enough energy to log quality minutes well into overtime. Sort of like Chris Conner.

3). Trevor Gillies

Oh, wait. He's a real person? With human wants, needs and emotions? Not some dude they let out of a cage and say "Sick'em boy!" whenever necessary?

Whoops. My bad.

2). Cairn Terrier

That's actually my dog. He'd look good in black and Vegas gold... and bringing home the NHL minimum salary (YOU'RE 15 YEARS OLD, GET A JOB). Cairns also dogged in their pursuit of food. Imagine applying that will towards the quest for a Stanley Cup, instead of a quest for stray popcorn kernels.

1). Pit Bull

Hated. Maligned. Misunderstood. Pit bulls are genetically bred to be physical marvels, and naturally possess the temperament to be wonderful companions.

It's just that the ones you see on TV were painstakingly trained to hurt people.

Imagine training a pit bull to get to its game on a nightly basis. It would. And you could probably call it PITT bull. CITY OF CHAMPIONS.

They're in shelters everywhere. Tons of them. Most of them are probably really cool tool. Go adopt one. Now. Here's where you can get started.

One to avoid?

Five MCs Penguins should acquire and one they shouldn't before the NHL trade deadline

Stephen Catanese — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 06:35:02 -0000

Because absolutely nobody demanded it (the first clip is, somehow, the only one that's NSFW):

5). KRS-One

Sure, the Penguins may be the fifth oldest team in the NHL, but come playoff time, you can never have enough fiery veteran leadership (and other random combinations of intangibles). Also known as "The Teacha," KRS-One has always made a point of taking the lead in the hip-hop community in terms of education.

The KRS acronym translates to Knowledge-Reigns-Supreme. Any worries about KRS-One not grasping Dan Bylsma's complex puck retrieval system should be tossed aside. In terms of work ethic, he's released FOURTEEN albums since 1993, and that's excluding cameos or his previous work with Boogie Down Productions. That translates to success on the forecheck. GET TO YOUR GAME KRS-ONE.

4. Kanye West

OKAY, OKAY. Hear me out.

BUY LOW! The guy is legitimately talented. He's just sort of a prick. The well-known prickish qualities lower Kanye's value, but he maintains quality in production. Kanye's like an absurdist version of the already absurd Sean Avery soaked in gamma radiation. Instead of turning green when he's angry, he interrupts Taylor Swift.

And -- very much in the vein (vain works here too) of Avery -- imagine some of the professional attire he'd wear to games.

Can you picture Kanye getting the NHL 24/7, slow motion pregame walk in that? Yes, you can. And you know it's fantastic.

Wu-Tang after the jump.

3). Gift of Gab

Rare as they may be, some of the best deadline occur on the cheap, and far under the radar (think Johan Hedberg in 2001). Players who, for whatever reason, were left unnoticed, unloved, and deemed unready for the big time are left beckoning in the minor leagues, waiting for their opportunity to impress.

Enter Gift of Gab. Known primarily for his work in Blackalicious, a partnership with DJ Chief Xcel, Gift of Gab is a rapper with a keen mind and ridiculous flow. For whatever reason, he remains out of the spotlight. Whatever the problem may be, it's certainly not skill.

Add in the fact that he's got to weigh over 200 lbs., and you have a well-adjusted, physical presence who's just begging to make a mark on the world's stage.

2). Redman

He may have a little problem with cannabis. He may live in a ramshackle apartment. But Reggie Noble is consistent. He's high profile enough to cause some excitement, but not so high profile that he's high maintenance. Best of all, he BRINGS THE FUNNY.

Yeah, the Pens have had to deal with a bunch of bittery depressing concussions and injuries and stuff, but Redman's going to bust in during closed door meetings, dump cereal on everyone's head and start busting a flow. Funny is brought, sadness melts away, team bonding ensues.

1). Old Dirty Bastard

The Old Dirty Bastard, aka Dirt McGirt, aka Osiris, aka Big Baby Jesus, aka the Bebop Specialist, aka Freeloadin' Rusty, aka Joe Bananas, aka Peanut the Kidnapper, aka Knifey McStab is always first.

Always.

An impact player, an innovator, a man unafraid to take a stand...

...and a free agent. Don't let his death fool you, ODB's gotten himself out of trickier situations.

And one MC to avoid...

No, not Kevin Kline.

Ban fighting in the NHL? Yeah, sure. Why not?

Stephen Catanese — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 20:56:41 -0000

On Feb. 6, Ralph Nader, in his position as Founder of the League of Fans, a "sports reform project ... to encourage social & civic responsibility in sports industry & culture," and Ken Reed, Sports Policy Director of the very same organization, penned an open letter to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.

The point of the letter was fairly simple to ascertain: head injuries are a major problem in ice hockey and the NHL can do wonders by more staunchly enforcing its ban on head shots and banning fighting all together. As the most influential league in the world, Nader argues that once the NHL takes such steps most others will follow.

It's time to act. The National Hockey League must take immediate steps to ban fighting and outlaw all blows to the head. And you, Mr. Bettman, as league commissioner, must lead the way.

Fighting in hockey can no longer be a long-debated issue pitting those who find it barbaric and unsportsmanlike and those who argue that it's an integral part of the fabric of the game. The growing mound of research on sports concussions and brain injuries has taken the fighting issue to an entirely different level. We're talking about short-and-long-term damage to the brain, the very foundation of who we are as people.

Puck Daddy's Ryan Lambert had a problem with the open letter. As he is wont to do, Lambert tore into Nader. He called the notions put forth by the former Presidential candidate "stupid" and "wrong." Lambert's biggest problem was with Nader linking the deaths of Derek Boogard, Rick Rypien and Wade Belak to their careers as enforcers.

And that's where he loses any credibility he might have had as a guy who successfully made the roads safer for tens of millions of people worldwide. An admittedly horrific string of tragic events, the causes for which are disparate, cannot be tied directly to fighting except by the most ghoulish of agenda-pushers which, incidentally, is what Nader is.

And, as these stories typically devolve, Nader and Reed (who I'll refer to as "Nader" for simplicity's sake) offered a retort to Lambert.

Additionally, while nobody can definitively say that fighting contributed to the deaths of three enforcers, Derek Boogard, Rick Rypien, and Wade Belak, this past year, it's certainly possible that the brain trauma they experienced on the ice in their roles as enforcers was a contributing factor to their tragic deaths. In fact, we know for sure that Boogard was suffering from advanced stages of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), a brain disease caused by repeated blows to the head. CTE symptoms include memory loss, depression, impulsiveness and drug and alcohol addiction. It can only be diagnosed by examining the brain after death.

There's more nuance to the arguments when you read the entire stories. Nader's original letter does get a couple things wrong, while Lambert does misstate some of Nader's stances. Nader tenuously, maybe unintentionally, links general youth hockey, where fighting is almost uniformly banned, to junior hockey, where it uniformly is not.

The real portion of this spat that merits discussion is outside of the minor squabbles: should fighting be banned in hockey?

Logically speaking, yes. Of course it should.

In a part of Lambert's original dissection of Nader's letter referenced earlier, he states:

But saying that fighting is directly related to the number of concussions in the NHL these days, as Nader does, is obviously and very plainly stupid.

On the contrary, entertaining notions that punches to the head do not directly effect the number of head injuries suffered in the NHL is fairly absurd.

Lambert's indirectly making a point -- tangentially when he references Nader's age, lack of recently viewing an NHL game -- that fighting has diminished over the years, so it shouldn't be the major cause of the number of concussions "these days."

Rather, new, unspecified developments such as bigger players, faster skaters, no more two-line pass offsides, and changes in hitting style and intent could/would be more significant factors than fighting.

Add in increased concussion detection capabilities and yeah, concussions will be higher. Or seem like it. The numbers are the same, we're just discovering more.

Fighting's not doing it, or at least not doing the most damage. And if you do force through a removal of fighting, you're still going to have concussions, blows to the head. Nader's just using brain injuries to make an uneducated stance on fighting in the sport for some misguided stance in defense of children, one that would get less attention if he simply took these arguments to junior leagues themselves. Or so Lambert proposes.

But there's still something there that can't be ignored.

The big thing Nader brings up is CTE. He explained it above, but again, the degenerative brain disease occurs only after a sustained period of abuse to the head over a number of years. As a disease that can only be discovered post-mortem, people aren't diagnosed with it while they're still alive. But it has been found in a number of deceased boxers, professional wrestlers, football players and, yes, hockey players.

Those hockey players include Boogard, Rypien and Belak.

They all didn't die from CTE specifically, they died via either suicide or drug overdose.

Dr. Robert Cantu, a neurosurgeon famed for his work with CTE, said this about the disease's effects on sufferers:

We'll never know with any certainty when someone commits suicide whether CTE played a role. We do know CTE attacks the portion of the brain that controls functions of memory, emotion, addictive behavior and impulse control, the latter associated with suicide. And so we're clear, in some cases the people involved may well have had emotional issues before its onset. But every time I read or hear about these tragedies, my first question is, ‘Did CTE play a role?'

So Lambert's right in a sense. We don't know for certain, and we never will. Then again, it's not hard to notice a pattern here. Correlation doesn't always equate to causation, but by the time we catch CTE in the brains of enough dead athletes, the pile may already be sky high.

And then, it'll already be too late, at least for those meeting an early demise.

Of course, the extent of trauma to the brain the three players in question received wasn't limited to fighting, as Nader rightly concedes. They assuredly took and delivered a number of hits to the head over their hockey careers. But they were all also definitively fighters, heavyweights who made rosters solely for their fighting prowess. Of all players in the NHL, they're the ones that are going to take the most blows to the head.

Concussions can happen to anyone, some players are more susceptible than others, but fighters are, by far, the most "at risk" player archetype.

If the goal is to minimize concussions, and the main way to do that is to minimize blows to the head, you naturally have to remove fighting, the one place where two professional athletes can square up and bare-knuckle box for arbitrary reasons. It might lead to some guys losing their jobs, but it also might save their lives.

And when young hockey players finally see that there is no fighting in the NHL, they won't see a need to fight at lower levels of hockey to prove themselves. They'll just try to improve their game, or find out they weren't made for the big leagues.

If hits to the head are met with suspensions and scorn because they're dangerous, why shouldn't fighting get more than a round of applause and a slap on the wrist?

Now, I'm not pushing the argument here that you're stupid if you think fighting should remain in the NHL. It's been ingrained as a pseudo-integral part of the game seemingly forever, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it's fun to watch two guys beat the hell out of each other while balancing on ice.

But if we really do care about cutting down debilitating concussions, the types that the Sidney Crosbys, Chris Prongers and Keith Primeaus of the world have had to deal with, there's no way to get around banning the punching of each other in the head.

Period.

If we don't actually care, we can just ignore mounting scientific evidence stick to the status quo.

No Hal Gill? No problem. Why the Penguins are better off without the Nashville Predators' latest addition.

Stephen Catanese — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 21:06:46 -0000

The trade deadline is almost like a dance for polygamists. Everyone needs a partner, or two, or three. It's all about finding the right match to save your season, or prepare you for the next.

Some people thought the Penguins had found a match in erstwhile defenseman Hal GIll.

Gil was solid during his short spell as a Penguin, primarily because he has the wingspan of a pterodactyl. He handled a heavy load during the Penguins' run to the Stanley Cup in 2009 and did so with aplomb. Yeah, he couldn't really pass or shoot, but that's didn't matter. That's not what the Penguins needed him to do.

With Gill now nearing the end of his contract, and Montreal not entertaining any thoughts of a playoff run, Gill suddenly became trade bait.

Meanwhile, the Penguins defense, an area of significant recent investment, has looked less than impressive this season. While Paul Martin has officially earned the mantle of Whipping Boy, Zbynek Michalek and Brooks Orpik haven't exactly offered up consistency this season.

Orpik, most noticeably, has been going out of his way to light up opposing skaters in the neutral zone. This provides for some wonderful 'WOW" moments, but isn't the recipe he used while developing into a top notch defenseman.

So yeah, you could say there's a need for a defenseman. But just because a defenseman is available, and was once a good fit in Pittsburgh, doesn't mean he's still a good fit in Pittsburgh.

Gill very much falls into the right spot, wrong fit category.

Gill and defensive partner Rob Scuderi logged more time on the penalty kill than any other Penguin during the 2009 Stanley Cup playoffs, and no defenseman came even close to the number of minutes they spent on the ice short handed. Simply, they were great penalty killers.

To be a successful penalty killer, you don't need to handle the puck. Just take it from the other guy and send it deep. Oh, and don't give up any clean shots (they gave up relatively few, and combined to block 91 shots during the playoffs). Maybe clear the front of the net out while you're at it too. Yeah, they were good at all of that stuff.

Gill left that off season. So did Scuderi.

Their departure signaled a major shift in the Penguins' tactics on defense. Namely, Dan Bylsma wanted skilled skaters and offensively capable players going back to get the puck and bringing it back up ice. Go south, then quickly transition northward.

In their place, Letang and Alex Goligoski gained traction. Positional awareness in the defensive zone diminished. As did effective defensive stick work.

But the defense got faster. The breakout went smoother. The puck got to the offensive zone quicker.

Or, as I like to simplify the system, SKATE SKATE SKATE, DUMP, DUMP, DUMP, HIT, HIT, HIT.

You don't wear the team down in your zone, you wear it in their zone. On your terms. Players like Gill and Scuderi are good at what their particular, limited skill sets provide. It's just that those skills don't match up with what Bylsma's scheming for.

The departures of Gill and Scuderi coincided with this philosophical change, and as a result, the defensive corps underwent a metamorphosis.

Before Byslma arrived, Michel Therrien ran the ship. That ship sailed much more methodically on defense and less aggressively on offense than the vessel helmed by his successor.

The very first off season after Therrien's departure, the team had three starting defensemen set to test free agency: Gill, Scuderi and Orpik. All provide limited offensive upside, but only one was a strong (and very underrated) skater: Orpik.

When the team needed a defenseman at the 2010 trade deadline, they went for Jordan Leopold, a guy who can skate, put points on the board and hit a breakout pass.

When Shero dipped into the free agent market to invest in defensemen a few months after that, he paid a pretty penny for Michalek and Martin. For whatever faults they may possess, they're still defensemen who can skate and pass.

Is a pattern starting to develop here?

Last year, when Ray Shero shipped Alex Goligoski to Dallas as part of the trade that brought in James Neal, he made sure to bring along out-of-favor defensman Matt Niskanen as part of the deal.

Niskanen was doing a lot of things wrong in Dallas, and especially in his defensive zone. But, he could skate, pass and put some points up.

Last spring, Dejan Kovacevic noted some of the radical tactics employed by the Penguins that newly acquired players, such as Niskanen, had to adjust to.

Armed with that, Bylsma and his staff have the defensemen follow a highly unusual method of puck retrieval when the opponent dumps into the Penguins end: Both defensemen pursue that puck. Whoever arrives first quickly chips to the other one nearby, and the other skates out of trouble and looks for the best outlet.

The standard method is to have the nearest defensemen pursue the puck and the other wait behind the net or the other side of the rink for an east-west pass.

"I've never seen anybody do this," said defenseman Matt Niskanen, acquired in a trade with Dallas. "But it's great. I'm really enjoying it."

The Red Wings and Minnesota Wild are using this puck-retrieval method now, and others are trying it. The Wild is doing so because it was head coach Todd Richards who, while coaching Wilkes-Barre two years ago, brought the idea to Bylsma.

"We actually have a number of variations on the puck retrieval, and our players take pride in that we can adjust that from game to game, even shift to shift," Bylsma said. "But that's the foundation of it: We want that puck right back."

Just last week, Josh Yohe penned a piece documenting Niskanen's improved play this season, and how difficult it was for he and Michalek to transition to that very same style of play.

Niskanen has proven, without debate, he is a solid NHL defenseman. He has only been a minus-2 or worse in a game three times this season. His two-way game and excellent skating fit perfectly into coach Dan Bylsma's puck retrieval system.

"He's finally comfortable," Reirden said.

Niskanen said the transition from Dallas to the Penguins wasn't an easy one.

Michalek can relate.

"It took me awhile, too," he said. "I know what he went through. But he's been so great all season."

They're comfortable. It just took months.

And that style is so hard to adjust to because it asks so much more of defensemen, both physically and in skill required. Skating back to your zone hard, fast all of the time. Getting the puck, getting it into the offensive zone ASAP, and joining the rush.

Types of things that are, no offense to the individual in question, beyond a guy like Gill.

So instead greeting the news that Nashville grabbed Gill before the Penguins did with dismay, as though a valuable asset fell by the wayside, greet it with reality. Gill simply doesn't fit in Pittsburgh anymore. That time has passed.

He's still a worthwhile investment for some franchises. It's just that one of those franchises isn't located in Pittsburgh.

Groupthinking the Penguins' 6-2 loss to the Sabres out of exsistence

Stephen Catanese — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 20:04:42 -0000

Quickly now, close your eyes. Think really, really hard. I mean REALLY hard. Squint, strain, use all of the muscles on your forehead and, most importantly of all, your brain.

Now WISH! Wish really, really, really hard.

If we all put our combined wishing power together, maybe, just maybe we can wish the Penguins' 6-2 loss to the Sabres out of existence.

To make it no more, and simply allow us to bask in the afterglow of the Ray Shero's contractual consumation of the club's relationship with James Neal earlier in the day.

We can wish that Brent Johnson never had to start, and never gave up three goals, and never had to be pulled.

Or that Marc-Andre Fleury never had to enter the game in relief, and never gave up another three goals, putting up the exact same stat line as Johnson.

Perhaps we could will out of existence the combined -8 rating that Kris Letang and Paul Martin put up. And magically nullify the 2 for 11 performance Evgeni Malkin had in the face off circle (and keep wishing that he isn't actually hurt, like Hooks suggested on Twitter).

Just wish it away, and make all of it unreal.

Well, except for Deryk Engelland's sweet one-timed goal. He may have had a wish or two granted when he pulled that off.

A smart bet would've actually been to put money on the Sabres today. Rapidly falling adrift in the Eastern Conference standings, Buffalo had dropped four straight, including a tough shootout loss to the Canadiens on Friday, heading into the contest.

The Penguins, meanwhile, played the hated, loathed, despised (a.k.a. rival) Philadelphia Flyers yesterday in a physical, high-scoring affair between two good teams jockeying for position near the top of the Eastern Conference standings.

A letdown could've, and maybe should've, been expected. A letdown of this magnitude, however, is pretty inexcusable.

The Penguins actually modestly outshot the Sabres 26-24, but most of Buffalo's chances were of the high-quality variety.

The Pens get a couple of nights off before they host the New York Rangers on Tuesday. I think it's safe to say -- without even wasting a wish -- that we'll see a fairly different performance from the Penguins on home ice against the Atlantic Division and Eastern Conference pacesetters.