SB Nation User Blog: StoopsMyAss

What’s Your Prediction?

StoopsMyAss — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:26:04 -0000

...and you thought the Northwestern game hurt.

Iowa basketball newcomer and point guard Cully Payne started and scored three points, dished out six assists and an ample supply of grief to the Marian Knights in 29 minutes of exhibition supremacy this past week, or maybe yesterday...who really keeps track of basketball these days? Don't ask who or what Marian is, it will only confuse and sadden you. Focus instead on the bigger issues, such as: Is there life after Jake Kelly? Will Carver-Hawkeye ever be sold out for a basketball game again? And, why am I reading about basketball right now?

More after the jump....

After signing and then decommitting from Alabama, Illinois native Cully Payne was adrift looking for a place to land his unique talents. Soon enough he was being stalked by Todd Lickliter who was losing basketball players at a rate roughly equal to the speed of sound. Lickliter sold Payne by convincing him that Iowa was not far from his home, was without any competition at the point guard position, and is among the nations better basketball programs with vigorous fan support and a rich tradition of winning. Cully decided that two out of three ain't bad, and signed on the dotted line. And if the preseason, all one game of it, is any indication Cully has chosen wisely. He has found his mecca on the hardwood of Caver-Hawkeye. Not since Iowa signed Jeff Peterson, who like Payne was a promise breaker having initially signed and then decommitted from Princeton, has Hawkeye Nation been so ~~apathetic~~ unaware of the comings and goings of Hawkeye basketball players.

Payne is the latest cornerstone piece of Todd Lickliter's Iowa Hawkeye basketball program, which after two years has been graced with a number of foundational players around which he has tried to build (Tony Freeman, Jeff Peterson, Cyrus Tate, Jake Kelly). Lickliter may have finally found the guy though who can fill it up and dish it out, and all while doing a remarkable impression of Dan Bohall. But most importantly Lickliter has found someone ready to hunker down and stay for the duration (or at least two full seasons) at the point guard spot. That his name is Cully is just a bonus.

Todd Lickliter has proved the Butler Way is the way back for Iowa. Cully Payne, for one, could not be happier to be part of Lickliters second or third beginning at Iowa. When asked how he planned to use Payne for the upcoming season, Lickliter responded with his usual obtuseness by saying, "I expect to play Cully 40 minutes a game for the first few games, then I'll sit him inexplicably for a game or two and leave him and the media in the dark the rest of the season about his playing time. I find that players and the media respond best to certainty, so consider this a big heads-up." Other players who expect to be clueless about their role this season include, everyone but Matt Gatens---whose role is to be Matt Gatens for 40 minutes a night.

The Hawkeyes are picked by the media, and each of the returning players, to finish last in the Big Ten---which of course means eleventh. Lickliter sees this as progress though, "When I first came here Iowa was coming off a disastrous 17-14 season in which they did not make the NCAA or NIT tournament." When reminded that 17-14 is still a winning season Lickliter became visibly agitated and shot back, "go look at Butler for God sake. Look at Tennessee, Arkansas and Indiana State. I'm a program builder! I'm making a difference dammit." With players like Cully Payne the indifference is about to start.

Iowa opens it season on November 15 against Texas-San Antonio at Carver-Hawkeye Arena. Tickets are available. Big time.

Poll

Number of Iowa home games that will sellout this year?

Not so fast my friends!

StoopsMyAss — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:54:09 -0000

More photos » by Carolyn Kaster - AP

"This blows!"

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Before we go off and hand this game over to Ohio State let's take a casual look at some numbers.

A Terrell Pryor led Ohio State offense has been pretty anemic this year. They are currently ranked 62 nationally. Okay, ours has an even worse rank of 82, and that was with Stanzi. But, if you contextualize both team's ranking in terms of the competition they've played against...well, it's a little eye opening and certainly gives one hope going into this Saturday.

So, let's take a look at some numbers....

First, let's break down the competition into three defensive groups. We'll call it the good, the bad and the awful. The Buckeyes have only played three teams that have what can reasonably be called "good" defensive teams. Yes, yes, this is very subjective and that is why I am laying it out. Perhaps you will see it differently.

The good defenses and their rankings are Penn State (8), Wisconsin (22), and USC (38).

The bad defenses and their rankings are Navy (42), Purdue (67), and New Mexico State, (84).

The awful are Illinois (91), Minnesota (93), Indiana (98), and Toledo (101).

The average ranking of all these defensive units is 64.4

Let's focus on how Pryor and the Ohio State offense have fared against the good guys. Pryor's line in his three games against the teams I deem good defensively, and total offensive points scored:

USC: 11-25, 177 yards, 1 interception, no TDs, and 36 yards rushing on 10 carries. Total points for offense, 13.

Wisconsin: 5-13, 87yards, 1 interception, 1 TD, and 35 yards rushing on 10 carries. Total points for offense, 10.

Penn State: 8-17, 125 yards, O interceptions, 2 TDs, 50 yards rushing on 5 carries. Total points for offense, 24.

So Pryor's average in these games is 8-20, 127 yards passing, 1 int., 1 TD and total points for offense is 16 points.

Sure, without Stanzi this may be more than enough offense for Ohio State to win the game. But let's be honest, they are not so scary offensively.

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Meanwhile Iowa's offense has been seemingly as anemic, but once you compare the competition Iowa has faced it looks a bit different.

Good: Penn State (8), Arizona (17), Wisc. (22), Mich. St. (39)

Bad: Northwestrn (46), Ark. St. (48), Michigan (89)

Awful: Iowa State (94), Indiana (98), Northern Iowa (NR)

For an average ranking of 51.2. Our offensive points average against the good guys was 19 points (with Stanzi at the helm of course).

Ohio State's total defense rank is currently 6^th nationally. One could easily argue they will be a whole different level for Iowa. Sure, it's a big hill without Stanzi but, seriously, I can imagine us climbing this? Can you?

Notes:

- Vegas has listed Iowa at about a 16 point underdog.

- Ohio State's starting place kicker is out. Their back-up is 6/6 on XP's and 2/4 on FGs. His long is 37 yards.

- Wisconsin (Wisconsin!) savaged the Ohio State defense, at Ohio State no less. Just examine the box score if you are looking for a blueprint for how to win this game. The key, of course, is no INTs for TDs and hold down their special teams, particularly their punt and kick off return.

- Here is an awesome article that breaks down Vandeberg's play on Saturday.

Hawkeyes Move Into Top Ten!

StoopsMyAss — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:07:10 -0000

The Associated Press has released an updated list of top hoaxes and hoaxers in U.S. history. Iowa bumps Keeanu Reeves out of the Top Ten.

1. Apollo Lunar Landing

2. McDonald’s Healthy Salad

3. Bernie Madoff

4. Milli Vanilli

5. Rosie Ruiz

6. War of the Worlds

7. Jason Blair

8. Iowa Hawkeyes

9. Robert Irvine, aka Dinner Impossible Guy

10. Ted Haggard

Referendum on a Hawkeye Loss

StoopsMyAss — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 15:39:24 -0000

More photos » by Charlie Neibergall - AP

Is Ken O'Keefe the problem, or the solution?

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It's baaaack.

Iowa football blogs are abuzz with frustration and fury over Iowa's loss yesterday. The subtext and not so subtextual criticism is slowly centering around Ken O'Keefe's naked bootleg call that ended with Ricky Stanzi crumpled on the ground with a potential season ending ankle sprain and a momentum changing seven points for Northwestern. As one might expect, Kirk Ferentz is not joining in on the second-guessing of the call. In his post-game comments he targeted his frustration with the players, "Obviously, we didn't get a good enough block, delay on their defensive end. He made the play," he said. "It's a good play on their part, bad play on ours." Covering for Ken O'Keefe? Maybe. But anyone who follows the Hawkeyes knows that this Iowa coaching staff is devout believers in execution over and above scheme. "Let the players decide it" has been the mantra at Iowa in the Kirk Ferentz era.

Of course frustration over O'Keefe is not new. Despite great success last year he has been the excuse in the green room, a loss away from being called on to the set. It did not take very long yesterday after the game for comments to spiral from "what a bad play call" to "what a bad play caller."

So perhaps it is time to examine how Iowa's Ken O'Keefe coached offense has stacked up this decade in terms of the two key areas by which one might measure success: total offense and scoring offense. From a statistical point of view it is not good this season. You all know that. But is there a trend emerging that may fall on O'Keefe?

A quick look at Iowa's ranking in the conference this decade in total shows the following:

Year Category Conference Rank Win/loss Record

2009 Total Offense 9 9-1

Scoring Offense 9

2008 Total Offense 5 9-4

Scoring Offense 2

2007 Total Offense 11 6-6

Scoring Offense 11

2006 Total Offense 3 6-7

Scoring Offense 7

2005 Total Offense 4 7-5

Scoring Offense 7

2004 Total Offense 10 10-2

Scoring Offense 6

2003 Total Offense 8 10-3

Scoring Offense 3

2002 Total Offense 3 11-2

Scoring Offense 1

2001 Total Offense 6 7-5

Scoring Offense 1

2000 Total Offense 11 3-9

Scoring Offense 11

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Average Total Offense 7.0 7.8 wins and 4.4 losses

Scoring Offense 5.8

What happens when we look at Iowa's defensive performance in these same two statistical categories?

Year Category Conference Rank Win/loss Record

2009 Total Defense 3 9-1

Scoring Defense 3

2008 Total Defense 2 9-4

Scoring Defense 1

2007 Total Defense 5 6-6

Scoring Defense 3

2006 Total Defense 6 6-7

Scoring Defense 5

2005 Total Defense 4 7-5

Scoring Defense 3

2004 Total Defense 3 10-2

Scoring Defense 4

2003 Total Defense 4 10-3

Scoring Defense 1

2002 Total Defense 5 11-2

Scoring Defense 3

2001 Total Defense 2 7-5

Scoring Defense 4

2000 Total Defense 10 3-9

Scoring Defense 9

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Average Total Defense 4.5 7.8 wins and 4.4 losses

Scoring Defense 3.6

Sure, it's not a very detailed statistical analysis. I'm too lazy and tired to dig deeper than the above. But, it is nevertheless revealing to see these numbers in black & white.

While it does not come as much of a surprise that Iowa's defense is usually ranked better, and sometimes significantly better than the offense in terms of statistical performance, it is surprising to see how poorly the offensive rankings have become. In the Ferentz era scoring defense has consistently been the foundation of Iowa's success, along with excellent offensive line play.

But how much can any team ask of its defense? This season has been a case study in just that question.

The last two games has seen Iowa turn the ball over 10 times to their opponents' 4 and perhaps this has finally unmasked Iowa's blueprint as too simplistic. Also, Ferentz's football teams have relied on refinement over time. Refinement is code for "coaching up" players as the season progresses. November is usually the reveal for Ferentz's teams, the time when silly mistakes evaporate and experience and commitment to execution take over. But not this year.

So this brings us back to Ken O'Keefe. His offenses have undoubtedly had some success. Iowa's scoring offense has been in the Top Three in the conference in 4 of the past 10 years, and led the conference twice. But with the exception of last year, the last 5 years has seen Iowa in the lower half of the conference in scoring and dead last in 2007. These numbers might be an indictment on the talent that Iowa has recruited to the offense. Or it might be something else.

Ferentz likes Ken O'Keefe's offensive philosophy. It fits his blueprint. And he is probably right, but perhaps we need to reassess Ken O'Keefe's coaching and play calling. Maybe it is time for us to reassess Ken O'Keefe's place on this Iowa staff.

Of course, there is never a better time to point fingers than right after a loss, so let it rip.

The Hawkeye Diaries

StoopsMyAss — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 21:29:53 -0000

For a closer look at what the life of a Hawkeye is like, below is a random sampling of various Hawkeye player diary entries during the season this far.

(Ricky Stanzi) Fri., Sept. 4 - 10:05pm

Dear Diary, We play Northern Iowa tomorrow. Sure, it's kind of a joke and no one outside of Iowa gives two craps about this game but the season is finally here! I really hope we don't hurt any of their guys.

GAME: Sept. 5 Northern Iowa

(Pat Angerer) Sat., Sept. 5 - 8:25pm

Dear Diary, Holy shit do we suck. This season is F-U-C-K-E-D. Okay, I gotta tap this keg.

(Ken O'Keefe) Mon., Sept. 7 - 1:45pm

Dear Diary, Just looked at UNI game film. God do I miss Jewel.

GAME: Sept. 12 at Iowa State

(Pat Angerer) Sun. Sept. 14 - 11:15am

Dear Diary, Holy shit does Iowa State suck. But we're still F-U-C-K-E-D. I mean, it's Iowa State.

(Ken O'Keefe) Mon. Sept. 15 - 1:50pm

Dear Diary, Regarding Jewel. Nevermind.

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(Kirk Ferentz) Fri. Sept 18 - 9:33pm

Dear Diary, I'm not taking any more humiliation from those Stoops. Okay, I said it. Good night.

GAME: Sept. 19 Arizona

(Pat Angerer) Sun. Sept. 20 - 1:48am

Dear Diary, This kid Adrian scares me. So does Stanzi.

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GAME: Sept. 26 at Penn State

(Adrian Clayborn) Sun., Sept. 27 - 3:07pm

Dear Diary, Mom's was right about Uncle Shug not coming to the game last night. He definitely would have thought this was one of them Ozark Klan rallies or something.

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(Kirk Ferentz) Fri., Oct. 2 - 8:53pm

Dear Diary, Can't wait to finally get a look-see at some back-ups tomorrow.

(Ricky Stanzi) Fri., Oct. 2 - 9:57pm

Dear Diary, Can't wait to pad the stats tomorrow baby.

GAME: Oct. 3 Arkansas State

(Ricky Stanzi) Sun., Oct. 4 - 5:36am

Dear Diary, What is wrong with me?

(Kirk Ferentz) Sun., Oct. 4 - 8:31am

Dear Diary, What's wrong with Stanzi?

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(Pat Angerer) Fri., Oct. 9 -11:23pm

Dear Diary, I was thinking...I wonder if "forcier" is French for dry hump. By the way, the front seven have a pool to see you will knock the luol deng out that kid. I could sure use the money.

GAME: Oct. 10 Michigan

(Pat Angerer) Sun., Oct. 11 - 11:41am

Dear Diary, I was close. It means manwhore.

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(Derrell Johnson-Koulianos) Fri., Oct. 16 - 10:21pm

Dear Diary, Do I wear the Mandarin or Spread collar for interviews after the game tomorrow?

GAME: Oct. 17 at Wisconsin

(Adam Robinson) Sun., Oct. 18 - 10:22am

Dear Diary, First off, I have to give credit to the O-line. Those guys played awesome. Second, I'm betting Wegher's ass hurts.

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(Kirk Ferentz) Sat., Oct. 24 - 2:43pm

Dear Diary, No more night games in East Lansing. This place is boooooring.

GAME: Oct. 24 at Michigan State

(Kirk Ferentz) Sun., Oct. 25 - 8:32am

Dear Diary, No more night games in East Lansing. That place is too intense.

(Derrell Johnson-Koulianos) Sun., Oct. 25 - 9:12am

Dear Diary, McNutt is starting to annoy me. On an unrelated note, got some new cufflinks in East Lansing. They're sweet.

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GAME: Oct. 31 Indiana

(Ken O'Keefe) Sun., Nov. 1 - 3:43pm

Dear Diary, Kirk walked in my office today and gave me an anemometer. Then walked out. Not a word spoken. What should I think?

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(Derrell Johnson-Koulianos) Wed., Nov. 5 - 2:45pm

Dear Diary, Fucking finally.

(Ricky Stanzi) Fri., Nov. 6 - 8:43pm

Dear Diary, The Twilight double disc set came in the mail this morning. About time! I’m totally jacked. God knows when the replica of the Sorcerer’s Stone is coming though…Hello!

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GAME: Nov. 7 Northwestern

Top Ten Reasons Why Iowa Will Lose to Northwestern

StoopsMyAss — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:13:03 -0000

More photos » by David Banks - AP

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10. The Aristocrats. While most college football teams these days are finding ways to include black in their uniform color scheme, Northwestern is exclusively devoted to their purpleness. Where commoners see purple as merely a mix of blue with red, Northwestern sees subliminal power. Someone is thinking up there in Evanston, because human color psychology defines purple as associated with nobility and, naturally, football dominance. Meanwhile, the unimaginative Iowa uniform color scheme relies heavily on the color black, which just like the notion of a Ricky Stanzi pass efficiency rating, is technically an oxymoron. Black is the very absence of all color, and thus associated with obscurity and imminent death---come to think of it, much like the Hawkeyes. Expect Northwestern's imperial majesty to reduce the Hawkeyes to BCS nonexistence on Saturday.

9. Myocardial Infarction. Smoking, a high fat diet, and a lack of exercise have nothing on the Iowa Hawkeyes. Kirk Ferentz's squad is one more nail-biter away from being classified by the American Heart Association as a serious heart risk. Since Ricky Stanzi was tabbed Iowa's starting quarterback early in the 2008 season the Hawkeyes have had a fondness for taut, stress inducing games that go down to the wire. Of Iowa's last 21 games, 10 have been won or lost by five or fewer points. Up to now the Cardiac Hawks have found ways to survive these scares, but expect this to be the outcome this Saturday.

8. Sweet Escape. Yes, Northwestern has a bad reputation. To paraphrase Woody Hayes after beating the Wildcats in his first year as head coach: "Who let these stiffs into the conference?" Okay, they've loosened up since then...kind of. Northwestern still hasn't beaten Ohio State but once in the past 38 years, and still owns the most losses in NCAA Division I history, but recently against everyone else they are a football version of the Shawshank Redemption. Northwestern busted through a hole in the wall some 15 years ago against the Hawkeyes and since sports a winning 7-5 record, winning the last two played at Kinnick no less. Expect the Wildcats to reunite with victory in a small ~~Mexican coastal~~ Eastern Iowa town on Saturday.

7. Hosty With The Mosty. Opponents that have visited Kinnick this year are finding Ricky Stanzi to be a most generous host. His passes are his football crudités, politely gobbled up by his appreciative guests. In three of five home games Stanzi has served up a Pick Six and most recently was intercepted five times. Ironically it was against the team that came the closest of all (UNI) to beating the Hawkeyes at home, that Stanzi did not throw an interception. Stanzi is averaging a shade under two interceptions per home game thus far and has done his level best to sabotage every game he's played at Kinnick. Expect this to be the week that Stanzi gets over the hump, and serves up the game on a doily-lined platter to Northwestern.

6. Green Acres. Iowa's walk-on safety from Bettendorf is hurt and that means Kafka or whomever they throw under center will be farming the middle of the field on Saturday. With all due respect to Iowa's back-up safeties, the Hawkeyes will profoundly miss its savvy centerfielder, Brett Greenwood. You'll know Iowa is in really deep doo doo if you see Jack Swanson, aka TV Dinner, running around like a chicken with vegetables baked in a flaky piecrust.

5. Do More With Less. Ryan Seacrest, Fall Out Boy, and Matthew McConaughey could only dream of squeezing more success out of less talent than do the Northwestern Wildcats. Northwestern does not even attempt to recruit actual athletes because their admissions standards are just so darn high. Well, there's that and real men wouldn't be caught dead in purple. As a result, the Wildcats find themselves competing not with Stanford, Cal, or even Michigan for prized recruits, but with Rice, Duke, Vanderbilt and the Ivy's for that handful of players who can walk and do advanced trigonometry at the same time. Despite being at an athletic disadvantage, look for Northwestern to outwit the Hawkeyes this Saturday.

4. Gerald Fits Pat. Northwestern's coach is young, enthusiastic and passionate. But not in a brash Lane Kiffin sort of way, but rather in a Richard Simmons, circa 1983, sort of way. The irreproachably pure Pat Fitzgerald with his high energy and "you can do it!" approach is perfect for a school whose football program prior to his arrival as a linebacker in the mid-1990s was melded to the couch shoving boxes of Twinkies down its throat. Fitzgerald has the football program as fit and healthy as ever, so expect Wildcats to have Iowa sweatin to the oldies this Saturday.

3. Wildcat Nation. Does any team have a more fervent or ferocious following than the Northwestern Wildcats? Expect Wildcat Nation to descend upon Iowa City with Oxfords shined, Navy Blazers pressed, and Blackberry's fully charged ready to turn Kinnick into Ryan Field South on Saturday. When they all break into song with their "Go U Northwestern" and chant, "Spread far the fame or our fair name, Go! Northwestern win that game." You know you're status is...done.

2. Kafka-esque. Has any college football team, indeed any football season, been more resembling of a Franz Kafka story than the one the Hawks are experiencing right now? In fact, the similarities are eerie. In Kafka's The Castle, for example, the main character (whose name is simply K...hello! K?!?!) diligently works to gain respect and recognition of the veiled establishment known as "The Castle" (read BCS Championship). The Castle's officials (as in the poll voters) govern the village where K wants to work as a head coach, er, land surveyor. Villagers (that tacky mainstream media) hold the officials and the castle in the highest esteem, explaining away their questionable actions, in some cases to comical extremes. As with any Kafka story, the villagers do not seem to have any clue what these officials actually do or why they do it. In the end, the villagers merely defend their actions. Hmmm....look for the real K to have a similar fate to that which Kafka intended the fictional K to experience: be given permission to live and work but with no valid claim to the community. This Saturday will merely be more justification for the officials' claims of Iowa's illegitimacy.

1. Norm Parker. Need I say more?

Kafka on GameDay

StoopsMyAss — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:10:01 -0000

[Well, we can't not bump this.--OPS]

ESPN's College GameDay is in Iowa City for the big clash between the Wildcats of Northwestern and the undefeated Iowa Hawkeyes.

C. Fowler: Hello everyone I'm Chris Fowler here alongside Kirk Herbstreit and "The Coach," Lee Corso. We're in Iowa City for the showdown between the Iowa Hawkeyes and the Northwestern Wildcats.

L. Corso: Whoa Nellie!

C. Fowler: Herbie and Lee, as you both know if Iowa can somehow keep the magic alive and get past a dangerous Northwestern team, then it's a showdown in the Shoe with the Buckeyes possibly for all the marbles in the Big Ten, a Rose Bowl berth and maybe even a path to the National Championship game.

L. Corso: Oh boy! This is gonna be a good one!

K. Herbstreit: Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. This is a very tough game for the Hawkeyes today and as they have shown, almost any team can give them trouble.

C. Fowler: We're going to mix it up a bit this week though guys. As you both know we usually invite a guest analyst to help us pick the games of the week. And this week we have a very special guest to help us get a deeper and more erudite understanding of today's game. And here he comes...

K. Herbstreit: Oh no. Is that who I think it is?

C. Fowler: Yes. It's fiction writer Franz Kafka...who by the way is no relation to Northwestern quarterback Mike Kafka. Have a seat sir and welcome to GameDay.

L. Corso: Franz Kafka. Wow. You know, I read The Trial when I was an undergrad at Florida State and didn't understand a single bit of it.

K. Herbstreit: Scooter, you know I had the same reaction?

C. Fowler: First off, thank you for rising from the dead to be with us today.

F. Kafka: A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die.

C. Fowler: Well, Kirk Ferentz almost died last week after Ricky Stanzi threw his fifth interception. What do you think about Stanzi's game?

F. Kafka: A man of action forced into a state of thought is unhappy until he can get out of it.

K. Herbstreit: But Ferentz said after the game that he never considered replacing Stanzi.

L. Corso: Kirk, if I'd a been coaching Stanzi he would have been, whoosh, gone! I'd a thrown in anyone after FIVE interceptions!

F. Kafka: All human errors are impatience, a premature breaking off of methodical procedure, an apparent fencing-in of what is apparently at issue.

K. Herbstreit: But what about the wind? Don't you think weather played a role? Stanzi would throw the ball to guys who were wide open down field and it would fall right out of the sky. He was making good reads.

F. Kafka: God gives the nuts, but he does not crack them.

K. Herbstreit: I agree with you Franz, Stanzi just needs to know how to deal with the conditions.

L. Corso: Yes. Just deal with the conditions.

C. Fowler: Franz, what about Mike Kafka? What do you think of his game?

F. Kafka: By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.

C. Fowler: So you see Kafka as able to do more once a play breaks down?

F. Kafka: It's often safer to be in chains than to be free.

L. Corso: Franz! Franz! I agree with you 100%! Last week's injury to Kafka was because of too much freelancing!

F. Kafka: Productivity is being able to do things that you were never able to do before.

K. Herbstreit: Well wait. I'm confused. Are you saying Kafka should use his legs more or be more patient and stay within the scheme of things?

F. Kafka: Theoretically there is a perfect possibility of happiness: believing in the indestructible element in oneself and not striving towards it.

C. Fowler: How do you compare the two quarterbacks, Stanzi and Kafka?

F. Kafka: I do not know how to make a distinction between tears and music.

C. Fowler: Clearly Stanzi has had a very up and down year and he has had these Hawkeye fans on the edge of their seats, whether he's throwing a last second touchdown for the win or a Pick 6. But Ferentz says this team believes in Stanzi.

F. Kafka: A belief is like a guillotine, just as heavy, just as light.

C. Fowler: After, Kafka was hurt last week we got a look at his back-up, Dan Persa. What did you think of his play against Penn State?

F. Kafka: From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

K. Herbstreit: Franz, do you think Northwestern should stay with Persa in the starting role?

F. Kafka: One must not cheat anyone, not even the world of its victory.

L. Corso: See, that's the kind of stuff that confused me at Florida State.

C. Fowler: Northwestern is a significant underdog in this game. Do the Wildcats have any chance against unbeaten Iowa?

F. Kafka: Don't despair, not even over the fact that you don't despair.

L. Corso: Kirk, what does that mean?

K. Herbstreit: Well Scooter, I think he's saying that Iowa's going to do some more heartbreaking this week.

C. Fowler: Well you heard it. Franz Kafka picks the Hawkeyes! The Iowa fans though would dearly love a blowout or at least a win without last minute drama. It should be a good one!

F. Kafka: Suffering is the positive element in this world, indeed it is the only link between this world and the positive.

Kirk Herbstreit: I'm going with the Hawkeyes too. I think Stanzi rights the ship this week and Iowa's defense is just too much for a hobbled Kafka.

L. Corso: Not so fast my friend. [puts on the Wildcat mascot head] I'm going with the Wildcats baby!

F. Kafka: Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable.

C. Fowler: We have to leave it there. It's time for the game!

The Stanzi Identity

StoopsMyAss — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:19:03 -0000

[Bumped by popular demand. We figured it needed a Beyond Photoshop, though so we made one. Enjoy.--OPS]

The year: Sometime in the future

Location: Iowa City, Iowa.

A male body is found unconscious near the University of Iowa football complex with a minor, but odd wound to the head and other small cuts and abrasions on his body. The man is carried inside the complex and head trainer John Streif is summoned.

It is unclear how the man got there and he gives the impression that he has amnesia. Streif is treating the man when he notices a money belt-like pack around the man's waist. In it appear to hold some rumpled newspaper articles and an old photo of former Iowa offensive coordinator, Ken O'Keefe. Streif who had thought he knew the man's identity, is now nearly certain. He tells the man that he believes his name to be Richard Stanzi. As Streif attends to the man's head wound Richard Stanzi, as he is known, awkwardly reveals to Streif that he has come to town attempting to retrace his previous life in Iowa City.

"Mr. Streif I seem to have inexplicably repressed my football past, and I don't know why."

He tells Streif that for the past few days he has walked the campus in hopes of triggering memories, but instead he has been mysteriously attracting attention from people who have given him adulation, some almost appearing to worship him, others seeking his autograph or to be photographed with him - but all unhelpfully assuming he already knows why. He begins to suspect, on the basis of circumstantial evidence, that he may have been a college quarterback. Streif confirms his suspicions and offers to have him meet with a man in town who might be able to help him piece things together. On the spur of the moment, Stanzi agrees in hopes that he might be able to retrace his life. Streif calls the cell phone of Pat Harty, a former sports reporter who had since become a used car salesman.

With Harty's help, Stanzi begins a psychological journey to discover what might have been his life as an Iowa quarterback. Harty determines that it might be best to take Stanzi to the scene of his earlier football accomplishments, a massive yet mysterious brick building known as Kinnick Stadium. Harty asks as they enter the vast, empty stadium, "Remember this place?"

"Vaguely. Just vaguely," whispers Stanzi as he stares in wonder.

Harty takes Stanzi to midfield. Repeatedly scratching his head, Stanzi is unable to piece together any factual details of his past. Harty tries to trigger some memories.

"Richard, in 2009 you played a very athletic Arizona Wildcats team. In that game the defense was incredible and you had a nice game, but a play that might stick out in your memory was an interception in the first quarter. Do you recall that?"

"No, I don't. What happened?" Stanzi inquired.

Harty explained to him that he threw a Pick Six.

"An interception, eh?"

"Not just any interception. One that's run back for a touchdown. This one was memorable as it was a devastating turn of events at the time," explained Harty.

But Stanzi had no memory of it. He said he had some faint memories of a couple of long completions, but says he's just unable to recall the interception.

"What about Arkansas State, two games later that season?" asked Harty.

"What did I do that was memorable in that game?" asked Stanzi hopefully.

"Well, the most memorable thing unfortunately was another one of those Pick Sixes."

"Hmm. No, I don't recall any interceptions. But I kind of remember throwing a long deep pass to a really tall guy, for a touchdown. And, wait, I remember another pass to a slowish white guy."

"Chaney?" replied Harty.

"I'm sorry. I don't remember any names. But that was a touchdown too, I think. I can't be sure."

"It's okay. But you don't remember that Pick Six to the Arkansas State linebacker at that very crucial moment in the game?" probed Harty.

"Did we lose?" asked Stanzi.

"No, no. You won. But..."

"Yeah, sorry. I just don't remember that Pick Six. But I do recall those touchdown passes...now that I think about it"

Harty searched deeper, "What about the Michigan game?"

"Tell me more," said Stanzi.

"It was on National TV. The stadium was full and, well, you did something very memorable. You threw your first pass for a touchdown."

"I did? I don't recall that at all," said a bewildered Stanzi.

"Well, it was a touchdown for them Richard. You threw the pass directly to a Michigan cornerback who ran it back on your very first play from scrimmage."

"So. Another Pick Six?" asked Stanzi sheepishly.

"Yeah. You remember!" said Harty.

"No. I don't." Then Stanzi asked, "Hey, did we win?"

"Well. Yes. You won that game too."

Then Harty delicately approached one more memory. "Do you remember the Indiana debacle Richard?"

"Indiana. Let me think. I vaguely remember a team in white with bright red piping. On Halloween?"

"Yes! Yes!"

"I kind of remember me throwing for lots of yards. And maybe a few long touchdowns too?"

"Well, yeah, that all happened Richard. But certainly you recall throwing five interceptions in that game?"

Stanzi was dumbstruck. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, "Five interceptions? Are you sure? In one game?"

Harty replied, "Oh yeah. Five. In fact, you threw four interceptions in the third quarter alone. Surely you remember that!"

Stanzi searched his memory.

"Richard, you have to remember those five interceptions," pressed Harty.

But Stanzi had no recollection whatsoever. "I do recall throwing some touchdowns, but I am afraid I just don't remember throwing any interceptions. Sorry."

The two men would continue to go over more games that season. Harty again and again trying to remind Stanzi of crucial interceptions he had thrown and critical fumbles he had lost, none of which Stanzi would remember.

Eventually Harty came to a realization, "Richard, you don't remember any interceptions that you've thrown? Ever?"

Stanzi thought for a moment. He closed his eyes, and went into his deepest thought yet. After what seemed like half an hour Harty suddenly saw a recollection flash across Stanzi's face. Harty explored, "Richard...you've got something?"

"Yes. Yes, I think I do."

"Tell me! What is it?"

Stanzi began, "I do recall one interception. I threw it in a game against a team in green."

"Michigan State! Yes. Yes!" said Harty who was energized; they were making a break through.

Then suddenly, Harty had a frustrating thought.

"Uh, wait a minute Richard. You didn't have any interceptions against Michigan State."

"I didn't?"

"No. Not one," said an exasperated Harty.

"Oh, wait a minute. That's right. Now I remember. That was called back because of a defensive holding call."

Harty looked distraught. He thought they had made a break through but it was as if they were back to square one.

"Hey Pat. I'm sorry."

The two men began walking toward the locker rooms when Stanzi asked, "I'm just curious though."

"Yeah Richard?"

"Did I do anything else in that Michigan State game that might have been memorable?"

Harty thought for minute....

Top 10 Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Indiana

StoopsMyAss — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:32:13 -0000

[Bumped, of course. Hope we win another game this season. :-( --OPS]

10. A History of Violence. When you play smash mouth football you're bound to eventually get your mouth smashed. In the Michigan State Spartans Iowa finally found their equal, a team that could match them punch for punch. While the Hawkeyes won in East Lansing they lost plenty in the process. They're a wounded squad now and one has to wonder if they have enough to keep on fighting. Smart money says no. Look for them to throw in the towel around the end of the third round, er, quarter to the Rocky Balboa-esque Hoosiers this Saturday.

9. Hoosiers. In arguably the best sports movie ever made, Gene Hackman's Norman Dale lays out the blueprint for how to take down a giant. "And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it..." I think you all know where this is going.

8. Chappell Show. No one will be laughing when Indiana quarterback Ben Chappell makes funny ha ha at Iowa's expense. Yeah, you think I'm joking? Well, you do know that Chappell is outperforming Stanzi in nearly every statistical category thus far, right? Expect Stanzi and Co. to get lots of Hawkeye heckling this Saturday.

7. Breaking Away. Last week Ray Fisher ran back his second kickoff of the season against Northwestern. Fisher leads the Big Ten and ranks fourth nationally averaging 38.1 yards per kick return. What's even more worrisome is that Fisher has at least one 40-yard return in five of the last six games. Of course this is very bad news for Iowa's leisurely kickoff defense that covers kickoffs with all the urgency of an airport rental car agent. Don't be surprised to see Fisher run one back...untouched.

6. Backfield in Motion. When your main guys in the backfield were, a year ago, shopping for tuxes for the Junior-Senior Prom, you're probably in trouble. Adam Robinson is out for several weeks with an ankle injury so enter the third or fourth man in (I've lost count), Brad Rogers. Ferentz tried to put a brave face on the deteriorating RB situation by lauding Rogers' potential value, but he let slip that the rotund Rogers started his Hawkeye career by choosing not to wait for his first year to actually put on his Freshman 15. If you see Rogers on Saturday it can only mean this.

5. A Cause Célèbre. Even James Dean (born in Marion, Indiana as it happens) would be with the program at this point. Unless and until DJK gets with it, he's tearing us apart.

4. My Name is Bill L. His Athletic Director loves him. ESPN analyst and former Indiana coach Lee Corso loves him (hired him to coach QBs when Corso made pit stop years ago in USFL). Former Indiana Coach Bill Mallory loves him (and that guy is so passionate he'll go into an opposing locker room after losing and scold his opponent to play better next time). But most importantly, the fans love him and the students love him. Expect all that love to be too much for the Hawkeyes to overcome on Saturday, as just the mere presence of Lynch on the sidelines is enough to lead Indiana to a victory.

3. Eerie, Indiana. Be afraid, be very freaking afraid. Look, as it is, bad things happen when Iowa plays a so-called inferior opponent at home...playing one on Halloween? Crawl under the sheets, cover your eyes, and say your prayers. And for God sake, DON'T ANSWER THE FUCKING DOOR! When Indiana comes knocking this Saturday just know that they've beaten Iowa in two of the last three games, and that includes a 38-20 romp over the Hawkeyes in Kinnick in 2007. When evil lurks outside those trapped on the inside start to turn on each other. Do not go to Kinnick this Saturday. You've been warned.

2. Letterman. Born in Indianapolis and responsible for the popularization of the remarkably overused and abused top ten list, David Letterman is a full-blooded Hoosier. Given the precarious nature of this weekends tilt, his lineage to the state of Indiana and the feebleness of this list might make all the difference in the world this weekend. Or not.

1. Brandon Wegher. Need I say more?

iTunes Celebrity Playlist: Kirk Ferentz

StoopsMyAss — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:47:50 -0000

I was asked to contribute a playlist of songs I listen to for the people at iTunes. I figure, what the heck. It's all for fun, right? This is my latest playlist, it's called 8-0 and it is based on my playlist 7-0:

1. Respect (Aretha Franklin) - I like this one for obvious reasons. Added it about a week ago.

2. Top of the World (Carpenters) - Another recent addition. Always thought that Carpenter girl was pretty sweet looking.

3. You've Got Another Thing Comin' (Judas Priest) - "Act tough ain't room for second best" ... just love that line. My son told me the lead singer's a fruit loop. Bet ya didn't know that.

4. Clocks (Coldplay) - I have this one for Norm who's got this whole 6-second thing with the defense.

5. Under Pressure (Bowie & Queen) - That dude from Queen can sing. That's the only reason this one's on here.

6. Eminence Front (The Who) - Reminder to keep my feet on the ground. Oh, and it's pretty cool song to loop over Shonn Greene's highlight reel.

7. The Comeback (Shout Out Louds) - Just added this one too...been listening to it a lot.

8. The Underdog (Spoon) - Every Sunday right around noon I'll listen to this one...right after reading the national rankings. Tee hee hee.

9. Switchin' to Glide (The Kings) - A new add, for the next two home games.

10. Gimme Shelter (The Rolling Stones) - Whoops. This is left over from the '07 season. I think I'll change that one. Or...give it to Lickliter.

11. Don't Stop Believin' (Journey) - I'm thinking of playing this at Thursday's practice, if Ricky will let me.

12. Runnin on Empty (Jackson Browne) - The press suggested I listen to this one. They always know what I should do. I'm so lucky.

13. Mas Tequila (Sammy Hagar) - Sammy got me hooked on this one in Cabo, over shots of Don Julio. He's pretty rad.

There you go...13 unlucky songs. We're freakin jinxed now. Hope everyone's happy.

All best, Kirk Ferentz