A Few Good Men (of Troy)

SunsetBoulevard — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 22:02:11 -0000

Int. Pac-12 Offices - Day

Pac-12 Commissioner Larry Scott is in the middle of a tense interrogation of USC football coach Lane Kiffin. Lane's 97 year old father, Monte, naps peacefully in the corner.

Larry Scott: We'll get to last Saturday's humiliating loss to Oregon in just a minute, coach. A moment ago you said that you ordered the team manager not to deflate those footballs.

Lane Kiffin. That's right.

Larry Scott: And the manager was clear on what you wanted?

Lane Kiffin: Crystal.

Larry Scott: Any chance he left your office and said, "Goatboy's just flat out wrong"?

Lane Kiffin:. Have you ever spent time at the Coliseum, son?

Larry Scott: No, coach.

Lane Kiffin: Ever share a locker room shower with Ed Oregeron?

Larry Scott: No sir.

Lane Kiffin: Ever put your your own octogenarian father in charge of the defense?

Larry Scott:. No sir.

Lane Kiffin: We lost scholarships, son. We lost scholarships which means SC gets boat raced. It's that simple. Are we clear?

Larry Scott: Yes sir.

Lane Kiffin: Are we clear?

Larry Scott: Crystal. Coach, I have just one more question: If you gave an order that the football weren't to be deflated, and your orders are always followed, then why would they be flat? Why would it be necessary to terminate the team manager?

Lane Kiffin: You want answers?

Larry Scott: I think I'm entitled.

Lane Kiffin: You want answers?!

Larry Scott: I want the truth!

Lane Kiffin: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has Spread Offenses! So that means footballs have to be deflated! Who's gonna do it? You? You, Pat Haden?! I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for a rogue student manager and you curse Matt Barkley. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that illegally swapping numbers against Colorado, while tragic, probably saved USC football. And banning Scott Wolf from practice, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves USC football. You don't want the truth, because deep down, in places you don't talk about at the Pac-12 Network which is still not available on DirectTV, you want me on that sideline! You need me on that sideline!

We use words like Conquest and Unfinished Business...we use these words as the backbone of a life spent finding news ways to skirt the rules. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of Pac-12 television ratings and a future of multiple USC Sun Bowl appearances that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said "Fight On", and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you grab a visor and start calling plays. Either way, I don't give a damn or a laminated play card what you think you're entitled to!

Larry Scott: Did you order the deflated footballs?!

Lane Kiffin: (quietly) I did the job USC hired me to do with only 75 scholarships.

Larry Scott: Did you order the deflated footballs?!?!

Lane Kiffin: You're goddamn right I did!!

via mimg.ugo.com