My apologies for not having this up earlier. Some personal family things have come up, and I might not be able to update this next week as I would like to. I will still try, but we may have a couple more double-headers before the week is up. 

Also, thanks to St. Bayno for his poetic Spurs preview. And now, without further ado,

 

Season Long Epic Poem (S.L.E.P.) : Game 01 and Game 02

 

Coming in with confidence high,

They figured to make a statement.

The young boys strided in expecting

The Lakers to hide in the basement.

 

But what a surprise they had,

The Laker gang saw them coming.

The ambush caught these Trailblazers,

Who weren't quite ready for the gunning.

 

They scrambled for cover,

Anything behind which to hide.

One round struck the Oden giant,

His compatriots thought he died.

 

The Lakers then focused their fire,

pinning down the captain and Roy.

Unable to organize their team,

They fell completely for the ploy.

 

It looked like a certain end

For our brash heroic band,

When suddenly the sheriff rode in,

His horse kicking up the sand.

 

Then Fernandez and Outlaw fired away,

In that fancy gunslinger style.

It provided a bit of cover,

Soon they were gone by a mile.

 

The retreat was not pretty,

but still an escape it was.

What a humbling defeat!

It had the town abuzz.

 

Oden was only wounded,

But was rendered unable to fight.

And every gang heard the news,

preparing to pile on their plight.

 

To teach these young guns a lesson,

A lesson they wouldn't soon forget,

The crafty Spurs gang arrived,

Casting upon Rose city their silhouette.

 

The had two of the West's very best.

Tim and Tony were the sharpest of shots.

The rest of the gang was patchwork,

But complimented the two by lots.

 

They rode proudly into town,

Not bothering to take cover.

Came right up to the front door,

And not for a single moment did hover.

 

The Spurs opened fire precisely,

upon that sheriff's post.

Not wasting a single round,

They were more efficient than most.

 

But the Trailblazers had prepared

For this gang's offensive.

They protected themselves well,

and the fight became intensive.

 

When at last the dust had settled,

The Spurs' attack had failed.

Matt Bonner was locked in stocks,

The good side had prevailed.

 

Now by far more organized,

The young team headed out.

This time the Suns to try,

And aiming for a rout.

 

To be continued...

Click Image for larger picture

As one of two Blazer's Edge Official Poets Laureate for the 2008-2009 season, I have taken a large project upon myself. We will be having an epic poem that spans the entire season. All 82 games, individually rhymed and reasoned into a greater whole – the story of the season, told as an epic poem in the B-Western format. Today is the Prologue, and Part One will be based on the results of the Blazer-Laker game on October 28th. I do have one request. If you feel the need to recommend this fanpost, please rec it as you would the junk drawer, so that there is only one part up at a time. Critiques, suggestions and ideas are always welcome, as are emendations and additions to the current post. Please leave your feedback, as usual, in the comments. So, without further ado, the 2008-2009 Blazer Season Epic:

 

The men are noisy drunkards.

The women know no shame.

Money is quickly gambled.

The West is hardly tame.

 

Gangs, posses, outlaws,

Whatever name you call them.

Twenty-nine crews altogether,

banded ‘gainst sheriffs to fall them.

 

They ran the West,

Revolvers brandished all the day.

No one dared defy them,

No one could stand in their way.

 

Pleas came to the Army,

Something must be done.

But the military was busy elsewhere,

A spare cavalry, they had not one.

 

Yet one brave unit

Asked permission to bring them all in.

They were but fifteen men,

But someone had to stop the endless sin.

 

They were green these kids,

Barely enlisted long enough to see battle.

Yet they called themselves Trailblazers.

And the task, them it did not rattle.

 

They would take each gang on,

Taking them one at a time,

In order to restore peace to the West,

and end all their crime.

 

Major Roy commanded them

His leadership did they follow.

Young though he was by eye,

a loss he would never swallow.

 

He led the men courageously,

His leadership was by example.

Roy did what it took to win,

his abilities were most ample.

 

His captain was a Texan,

was always vigilant by his side.

His marksmanship impressive,

Aldridge caused foes to hide.

 

The men were young but skilled,

those under Roy’s command.

Each soldier had a role,

Their place was picked by hand.

 

Oden was a giant of a man

whose task it was to hold the line.

Webster took the artillery

It was there his skill did shine.

 

Blake was the Quartermaster,

his distribution was efficient.

Rodriguez was the advance scout  

where his skills were most proficient.

 

Fernandez was a gunslinger,

The fanciest seen in years,

Przybilla was pure muscle,

he brought his foes to tears.

 

Outlaw was a rogue gunman,

He lived up to his name.

Frye was the camp cook,

Serving buffets was his game.

 

Batum was a soldier for hire,

came from the French Foreign Leigion.

Bayless was famed for ferocity,

And he wasn’t even Norwegian.

 

Diogu and Randolph kept watch

Always wary of noises heard

LaFrentz had lost an arm and a leg,

But still gave a thoughtful word.

 

So aboard the train they embarked

And headed for the place known as Rose City.

It was the central hub for trade,

They’d soon be met by each enemy committee.

 

But as the train pulled into the station,

They were met by the local sheriff.

If the Army was to take over operations,

there was going to be a huge tariff.

 

But that ol’ Sheriff McMillan 

He made one thing perfectly clear

If there was going to be fightin’

To his rules they’d have to adhere.

 

If they would listen to him,

He would not make a stink.

But if they went on their own,

They would end up in the clink.

 

Major Roy agreed to the terms,

and heeded Rose’s official.

Another hand in the fight 

would prove to be judicial.

 

The sheriff led them out of town,

And down the dusty Southern road.

They would start against the worst,

And enter the Laker gang’s abode.

 

To be continued….

 

 

I am an unabashed, unashamed total and complete homer for my Portland Trailblazers. I can admit it. But there is a lot of misinformation out there on what being a homer entails. Often times it can be confused with complete idiocy, which I am here to tell you is a gross misrepresentation of the homer position. What follows are some simple axioms with which the casual observer can tell the difference. Notice that these are axioms and not rules. What’s the difference? Actually, when I looked these words up in the thesaurus, there didn’t seem to be much of a difference. Perhaps they are closer to apophthegms. I like that word. Apophthegm. Anyways, what I was trying to say is that these are generalities which I find true of myself, and that not every homer is identical.

πρώτο απόφθεγμα:

I love every player on the team. There are a lot of reasons to love players, but as a homer, the simple fact that they are on my team is reason enough for me. They don’t have to be the best people or the best players. I will still love them. They are part of the family. I may not always like my kid brother, but I still love him, as a brother should. Even during those teenage years, when the Portland Teams were angsty, melancholy and aloof, even when they pushed me away to the point where I stopped watching the games, I still never wanted anything bad to happen to any of them, and always cheered them on when they moved elsewhere – even Bonzi Wells and Ruben Patterson.

 

δεύτερο απόφθεγμα: 

Because of the First Apophthegm, I always look at the positives which any particular player brings to the floor. Each player brings something important to the game, otherwise they wouldn’t be in the NBA. Any particular night, any particular player could be the one person who wins the game for the team. I prefer to take an optimistic approach to our players. Of course each player has their weaknesses. Of course they can be particularly frustrating when exploited by the opposing team. I’m not blind to them. I acknowledge that Outlaw never saw a shot he didn’t like. I acknowledge that Przybilla couldn’t catch a beach ball. But every player has a deficiency somewhere. Dwelling on them doesn’t make me enjoy the game any more.

 

τρίτο απόφθεγμα: 

Because of the First Apophthegm, I never want to see any player traded. Now this is not the same as saying that I wish that Portland never made any trades. Because of trades, we have been able to do some wonderful things. I have no problem at all with a trade happening. However, I am always sad to see a player leave our team and play for someone else. This is why all the posts that call for us to trade whoever is in the fans doghouse that week drive me nuts. On top of that, many of those posts only ask us to trade someone away, with little though about whom to get in return. Addition by subtraction hardly ever works. Just because it did once for us does not make it the new standard.

 

τέταρτο απόφθεγμα: 

I believe we have a chance to win any game we play. No matter who is on the floor, the possibility always exists for something amazing to happen. Sure, I only saw one team ever come back from a ten point deficit in the last minute of a game to win it, and unfortunately is was Boston against us in the late 80’s or early 90’s, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t happen again. So is this an inconsistency? Refusing to use one negative instance to set the norm (see “addition by subtraction” above), but always placing hope for a positive one (namely, an impossible comeback)? Perhaps. But as a homer, I have my inconsistencies. But all serve to fuel unbridled optimism. 

 

So if optimism is the key to being a homer, why have I consistently held the opinion that the Blazers will win 45 games this year? How is that optimistic? If I were to hold the opinion that the Blazers were going to win 60 games this year, and they didn’t, I would consider the season disappointing, because my expectations were not met. Instead, I asked myself at what point would I consider the Blazers to have a successful season? The answer was 45 wins. I would, of course, love more than that, and less than that would not reach their goal. So 45 it is. Inconsistent? See above.

 

 

And finally, because I think off the wall polls are fun, despite the opinions of some...

 

Poll

What do you think the answer to the Crux Theologorum is?

• Synergism.
• Classic Calvinist Double Predestination.
• God only knows.
• I don't even know how to pronounce the problem, much less give an answer.
• I'm still trying to figure out the grapefruit spoons from one of your earlier polls!
• None of the above (to satisfy those who feel they must have an option that expresses their opinion).

  37 votes | Results

Well, the season is getting closer. A month and a half, and we're there. In my role as one of two 2008-2009 Poet Laureates, summer has given me little poetic material in comparison to during the season. But that will all change when the Portland Trailblazers take to the court for the 2008-2009 season.

I plan to undertake a difficult task. Well, difficult for me, as I am no where near as skilled in poetry as my counterpart St. Bayno. Beginning with the first game of the season, begins a new epic that will far outweigh the first one. Each game is a part of the story, and after 82+ segments (I'm hoping for at least 98!) we will have one giant epic poem about our favorite team and their season.

Last time, I used a medieval knighthood setting, and it worked well enough to win me a share of my title. However, there is more than one genre in which the epic can be set.

This is where you come in. Which genre would you like to see the 2008-2009 Portland Trailblazers season be told in? Please vote below, or suggest your own. What would you like to see in the genre you voted for? What players would fit best as which kind of characters? I may not choose the one with the most votes, but the one that piques my interest the most.

People always say to think outside the box. Unfortunately that almost always results in piles of unorganized garbage. The only times when it doesn't is the rare occasion when someone makes a new box. True creativity happens when you make people say, "I didn't know the box could do that."

Lets make the box special. Thanks!

Picture via hfsill.com

 

 

 

Poll

Which genre would you like the Blazer Season Epic to be?

13%

Medieval Knighthood

9 votes

24%

High Seas Pirates

16 votes

18%

B Western

12 votes

13%

Espionage Thriller

9 votes

12%

Outerspace Adventure

8 votes

10%

Time Travel

7 votes

6%

Other (there are so many more, please list one in the comments))

4 votes

65 votes | Poll has closed

Dave's post really got me thinking on what the best course of action might be. Of course I want to keep all of our guys, but I also recognize that capspace is possibly more valuable than they are. Dilemmas, dilemmas. The problem is that Steve Blake, Martell Webster, Jarrett Jack and Channing Frye could be exactly what we need on our team. But will they be worth the cost?

This dilemma reminded me of what Pritchard said in an interview after the Brandon Rush workout. "This kid could come in right away as a starter in this league." Of course, Pritchard never has anything bad to say about anyone, especially players. And it is highly possible that those words don't mean anything. Still, I don't think he was lying about Rush. For some teams, he could very well come in and start right away. Is one of those teams Portland?

Another way of asking it is this: Is Rush better suited for the Blazers' starting SF position than Webster is as this point?

To be honest, I have no idea. Some of you may be better informed on Rush and Webster than I, and I would love to hear your comments on this, because that is how I find out.

But, if Rush is better than Webster, and Rush is available at #13, does that make Webster expendable? And if Webster is expendable, what do we get that isn't the equivalent of giving him away?

 

It looks like Ridiculous Upside is doing a mock draft. And Our very own Blazer's Edge is represented here. Given what was left on the board it looks like we picked Brandon Rush at #13, letting Danilo Gallinari slip lower. Given what was available, I am good with this pick, and even wouldn't mind if that's the only person we walked out of draft day with. What do you guys think about this?

A poem, as requested by TominHawaii concerning Blazers Fans' willingness to dump everyone we have for anyone else. I tried to fit in every point guard(-ish) type that fans have wanted to trade for since the Lottery happened, and that is a lot.

8 8 8 8

Hey guys, come now, let's admit it,
You've watched the pretty girls walk by.
You have dreamed what it would be like,
To stare them direct in the eye.

To have them and hold them closely,
Would be for you a great delight.
Until the one you're with sees you,
At which point you're now in a fight.

(Refrain)
For Blazer fans who go lusting,
A new point guard is that sexy girl.
Trade Machine's their pornography,
For one they'll give away the world.

It started innocent enough,
Lusting after Christopher Paul.
Thinking cap space ‘lone would net us,
The sexiest point of them all.

If that choice was too ambitious,
Deron Williams was also hot.
But barring GM witlessness,
All these dreams but accomplish naught.

Now disgruntled with what we have.
The girl we've got is far too plain.
The lust can not be satisfied,
Time to use Trade Machine again.

(Refrain)
For Blazer fans who go lusting,
A new point guard is that sexy girl.
Trade Machine's their pornography,
For one they'll give away the world.

Bench play is our greatest of strengths,
But lust of ours burns hot and bright.
Who can we quickly give away,
To fulfill our fickle hearts delight?

Calderon is somewhat sexy,
Devin Harris looks kinda fine.
Ellis and Barbosa aren't bad.
But to us would appear sublime.

But the cost, good Lord what a cost,
To get a breath of their fragrance.
We'd have to give up half the team
Our bench would be filled by vagrants.

(Refrain)
For Blazer fans who go lusting,
A new point guard is that sexy girl.
Trade Machine's their pornography,
For one they'll give away the world.

There are other hot girls out there,
But their presence is most baneful.
Their attitude will kill the mood,
And remind of days quite painful.

The Bulls would love to dump Hinrich,
His constant pouting's been that bad.
Baron, he disappears for days,
And doesn't always come back glad.

Gordon thinks he is number one,
And wants to get paid like it too.
Arenas is just plain crazy,
Our team would become quite a zoo.

(Refrain)
For Blazer fans who go lusting,
A new point guard is that sexy girl.
Trade Machine's their pornography,
For one they'll give away the world.

Billups looks pretty good right now,
But age is looming fast ahead.
Andre Miller was ne'er sexy,
And now he's almost nearly dead.

TJ Ford is an invalid,
He could die if he even fell.
Are we really quite that desperate?
Are we so quick our own to sell?

Apparently, the answer's yes,
Because we quickly pine away.
For Conley, Felton and Sessions,
Even Udrih has got some play.

(Refrain)
For Blazer fans who go lusting,
A new point guard is that sexy girl.
Trade Machine's their pornography,
For one they'll give away the world.

So desperate is the Blazer fan,
That we will look for sexy teens.
Rose and Mayo and Bayless tempt,
Even Westbrook is in our dreams.

But will even they satisfy?
All this is for just one reason.
Blazer fans do lust heavily,
Our own were "too plain" last season.

Fortunately, fans aren't in charge,
KP's there to keep us steady.
If we bring our points back next year,
That will be the move that's most heady.

(Refrain)
For Blazer fans who go lusting,
A new point guard is that sexy girl.
Trade Machine's their pornography,
For one they'll give away the world.

(Repeat)

 

 

 

 

Over the past few days, I have engaged in the draft talk and trade talk. But there are only so many things that we as fans can do, and it hardly seems useful. So much speculating has gone on that the Chicago Board of Trade is getting wary. I am officially giving up on trying to figure out anything, and am tired of everyone trading away all our players for mediocre upgrades with long-term contracts.

So, instead of that, What would we rather talk about? Personally, I'd rather be talking about how we match up with the upcoming seven-game series with whomever wins the East. I thought I would use this year's team, since if this were really happening, we wouldn't have Oden or Rudy, or whatever mediocre player we trade our entire bench for.

Blake vs. Rondo/Billups?

Roy vs. Allen/Hamilton?

Webster vs. Pierce/Prince?

Aldridge vs. Garnett/Wallace?

Przybilla vs. Perkins/McDyess?

But why stop with what I want to talk about? What do you want to talk about? Well, other than draft and trade stuff. There are plenty of other diaries to put that in. Feel free to take this as far off-topic as you please, I need the distraction.

Poll

Are you sick of the draft and trade talk too?

14%

Yes, but I'm not here for this basket-ball or bushel-sphere stuff anyways.

8 votes

42%

Yes, but that's all there is for us to talk about.

24 votes

32%

No, I like having something to talk about in the off season.

18 votes

7%

No, I live and breathe the NBA Draft. I have ESPN Trade Machine as my homepage.

4 votes

3%

Is that what we have been talking about since the season ended? Huh.

2 votes

56 votes | Poll has closed

This three hour Results Show is brought to you by Spirit Mountain Casino. And since there's only about fifteen minutes of actual program, the rest of the time is spent in commercial advertising.

Earlier, the results of the secondary contest were announced, and since nearly everyone impersonated (except me) had the same number of entries, all who were honored win the prize: the title "Unofficial Blazer's Edge co-Favorite Personality"

<commercial break>

But now on to the big prize. Who will win the title "Unofficial Blazer's Edge Masked Persona," along with the accompanying caricature of Coach Nate, so generously supplied by Amlmart1?

Coming in with one singular point are the following posters:

Amlmart1

Lizzy Lowblow

Mortimer

T Darkstar

Ironically, these single points came as the contestants deemed that the judges should get an honorary point, since they cannot earn points while judging. But one point was not enough to win the contest. Some managed to earn three times as many, which is, namely, three points.

PrezofDeath

Bfan

TominHawaii

Congratulations to these fine contestants for their hard work and dedication.

<commercial break>

Three points is good, it was not good enough. Even better than three points is five points, and the following posters earned that many.

JTDuck22

92wastheyear

Section323

That brings us to our final two. And we'll find out who won after this...

<commercial break>

After all the impersonations, all the judging, and all the replies, two were left standing at the end of the day. Jksnake99 and AnntheFan. 

<commercial break>

<commercial break>

<commercial break>

...

With six points...

Jksnake99...

you did not win.

AnntheFan wins! With nine points, AnntheFan has won the title of "Unofficial Blazer's Edge Masked Persona," and the caricature of Coach Nate! 

    "I knew you could do it Annie!" -Nate McMillan

Congratulations AnntheFan!

And thank you to all who participated in both the judging and the impersonating! I think a good time was had by all, and maybe someday, someday we'll all meet again. Also, thanks to Dave and Blazers' Edge for hosting this contest, and Amlmart1 for the tangible prize. 

Until next time, this has been T Darkstar, and thank you for watching the Unofficial Blazers' Edge Impersonation Contest. Good night!

 

Poll

Did you enjoy the Unofficial Blazers' Edge Impersonation Contest?

79%

Yes, it was a lot of fun to see who did what.

19 votes

20%

No, it just wasted valuable space we could have spent talking about basketball.

5 votes

24 votes | Poll has closed