During a recent tennis match, David Ferrer was disturbed to find that one of the fans in attendance was so displeased by the show,  that said fan started to cry.   One must remember that professional tennis players are not merely gym rat athletes, they are entertainers.    They fully understand that the people in the stands have bought tickets with their hard earned money in hopes of being engaged and delighted by the players' performances, not bored to the point of tears.    Because of his professionalism, Mr. Ferrer knew he had to act.   Were he a clown in the circus, he would have quickly shaped a balloon animal for the distressed fan.    Were he a rock star, he would have lifted said fan onto the stage to dance with him.   As a tennis player, he took his best option and attempted to deliver a plaything, a souvenir, to the unhappy fan.    Sadly, he chose to lob the tennis ball to the fan rather than to climb into the stands to present it face to face, and his action was misinterpreted.      

The outrage at Mr. Ferrer was exacerbated by the fact that the unhappy fan was a member of a highly volatile, yet venerated minority.   The fan was a baby.    This writer must admit to being generally in awe of babies, always eager to admire, coo at, cuddle, and knit for, said creatures.   Shamefully, this writer must even admit to urging, even pressuring, friends and family members to produce babies simply because she finds them so delightful.    That understood, this writer must make a proclamation:   Babies Do Not Belong at Tennis Matches.      

Of course, there could never be a minimum age requirement on who may attend tennis matches.   That would be ageism, and, hence, discriminatory.    While that could be worked around by having matches played in the nude so that it could be argued that they weren't appropriate for young eyes, players  might  object to such a plan as it would make the placement of sponsor logos difficult.   Few player/sponsor relationships are considered romantic enough to justify tattoos.    Establishing a rule that no one weighing less than 30 pounds may attend a professional tennis match would eliminate attendance by most babies, except those from Mississippi.    However, as long as tennis players want to have their supermodel girlfriends in the stands, that rule is unlikely to gain acceptance.  

Given that baby attendance at tennis matches cannot be eliminated, we must appeal to these young fans to moderate their behavior to the unique circumstances of tennis matches.   Fortunately, babies tend to be quick, receptive learners who are, for the most part, eager to please.   Therefore, for the benefit of potential tennis watching babies, I present these guidelines for proper etiquette at tennis matches:     

• 1. Don't go. When your parents announce their intention to bring you to a tennis match, you must explain that you are, in fact, a baby. There are many places where your presence is appreciated: playgrounds; grandparents' homes; You Tube videos. Tennis matches are not baby friendly places. Note that even celebrity tennis babies like Jada Clijsters Lynch limit their appearances to photo ops. You must speak to your parents gently, yet firmly. Simply say: "I am a baby." If they do not understand, you must conclude they don't speak English, try French: "Je suis un bebe."

• 2. Ignore the grunts. If, despite your best efforts, you find yourself at a tennis match, one of the first things you may notice is that many of the players make familiar sounding grunting noises while hitting the ball. Rest assured that unlike your baby friends and acquaintances, and you for that matter, these noises do not mean they are pooping their diapers. That understood, if you are a "monkey see, monkey do" kind of baby, you may be tempted to join in the grunting thereby produce your own output. This action will not be happily received by those seated near you. If you are a verbal, tattle-tale baby, you will doubtlessly want to point to the court and loudly exclaim "Poopie!" Depending on your timing, your may invoke good natured chuckling by those seated near you; or, you may have a ball lobbed at you.

• 3. Breastfeeding. Of course, you get hungry, and, as long as you do not make loud slurpy noises, you may certainly nurse. However, be aware that some venues have rules against bringing in your own food and if security finds you have coerced your mother into smuggling your lunch in under her shirt, there could be problems. Security may demand that she hand over the contraband. This would be one of the few instances where it would be appropriate for you to cry loudly during a match. As a well-bred baby, you must remember that Miss Manners would tell you that if you are going to eat in public, it is polite to offer to share your food with those around you. Most people will graciously refuse your offer. If someone accepts, you should expect that you and your mother will be making a hasty exit from the stands.

• 4. Crying. Do not cry. That's all. Just don't. Even if you are outraged by a bad call. Even if Venus Williams has made a particularly unfortunate fashion choice. Don't do it. Here's a little known not-really-a -fact for you: in Tom Hank's contract for A League of Their Own, there is a clause requiring sports broadcasters to show that clip of him saying "There's no crying in baseball!" several times a year. Every time the clip is shown, the sports broadcasters must act as if they have come up with a completely novel, creative idea in paraphrasing the quote to the circumstances with such gems as "There's no crying in tennis!" or "There's no crying in curling!" Now, Mr. Hanks is a fine actor, arguably the best of his time, and A League of Their Own is a lovely little movie, but that line is getting old, really old. If you cry and are caught on camera, we will all be stuck seeing that tired clip again. We will not be happy.

One might argue that parents have a role in assuring the proper behavior of babies at tennis matches.   However, parents tend to be rather sleep deprived and exposure to fumes from baby vomit and poop tends to affect their reasoning skills.    Addled as parent brains may be, may I gently suggest to parents that hiring a responsible teenaged sitter to watch over your little one while you attend a tennis match as a couple has two wonderful benefits .    First, it provides adult time together during which you may find yourself speaking to each other in full sentences.   It will provide you with hope that the day will come when you will once again discuss things other than naps and mashed bananas.   It may even give you the courage to produce another baby.    Second, forget the public service announcements and the school programs that have students carting around eggs and sacks of flour, there is no greater deterrent to teen pregnancy than a few  hours with someone else's whining, stinky bundle of joy.   A session with your darling, may inspire the teenager you hire to practice restraint for many years.   Consider it a community service.