SB Nation User Blog: TarZander

A Letter from Exile...

TarZander — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 03:32:36 -0000

As a Bengals fan living in the middle of Ravens, Redskins, and Steelers country, I get asked almost daily during football season why I remain a Bengals fan. After a few expletives, I usually respond with something akin to the following:

Son, we live in a world that has bad football teams, and those teams have to be cheered by fans. Whose gonna do it? You Chris Cooley-jersey wearer? You, Purple Spandex-wearing Ray Lewis fan? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom.... You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the Bengals suckiness, while tragic, probably enables your team to make the playoffs. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, allows the NFL to carry on for season after season. You don't want to know why I still cheer, because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me interested in the games, you need me interested in the games.
...
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to fans whose teams rise and sleep under the blanket of the easy victories that the Bengals provide, then question the manner in which I cheer for my team. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a Who Dey Sign, wear an Akili Smith jersey, and stand in a hostile sports bar. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Bottom Line: I'd rather cheer for a losing Bengals team than a winning Redskins, Steelers, or Ravens squad. Why? Because I grew up in Cincinnati and the Bengals are MY team. Yeah, I hate Mike Brown and every season is like a kick in the nuts, but hey, I don't go to games, so Mike Brown gets none of my money. It might suck cheering for the NFL-version of the Washington Generals but hope springs eternal. Here's to 1-14-1! WHO DEY!

Palmer out vs. the Steelers

TarZander — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:39:46 -0000

ESPN just reported that Palmer will miss Sunday's game against the Steelers. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3641482.

Brace yourselves, Bengals fans, for more of the same ineptitude on Offense. It tough to see how a Fitzpatrick-led offense (sans running game) is going to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. That said, this will be the first week that Fitzpatrick will prepare for a game knowing he is the starter.

And I actually thought the season could not get uglier. Silly me!

Welcome to NFL Hell. We missed you.

TarZander — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 00:17:37 -0000

It just sunk in - the Bengals have once again sunk to the nadir of football - irrelevancy. Not interesting because they lose so badly, not interesting because they find new ways to lose every week, not even interesting because the team is blowing up on the lockerroom, the Bengals are now far worse. They're an afterthought by those that cover and care about the NFL, the last minute highlight in an hour and a half long Sportcenter where they show one play because they have to do so. This is not new territory for the Cincinnati franchise, it's just a new record to have reached that point by the end of week two.

The Bengals lost to a terrible Ravens squad last week in a snoozer; they lost to a slightly better, more disciplined Titans squad this week. Each game was marred by the fact that the outcome was never in doubt after the first few series. Scores might have been close, but it was apparent who was going to win the game. Teams don't have to pull out a new gameplan to beat the Bengals; they don't have to make impressive athletic feats. No, teams can just run a vanilla package and let the Bengals self-destruct. Bengals week is once again a vacation for other NFL teams - a time to rest, relax, have a few laughs, but never really do much of anything.

Irrelevancy is not solely caused by losing. Sometimes losing is interesting in and of itself - The Dolphins were interesting last year BECAUSE they were so bad. Irrevelancy stems from something much worse than just being bad - it stems from the continued adherence to a modus operendi that has never succeeded and been PROVEN unsuccessful after years of application on the field. Bengals games are the equivalent of scientific experiments to prove or disprove the theory of gravity; yeah, it might be an "experiment" because you're dropping an apple to see where it falls but everyone knows the damn apple is going to fall towards the ground.

Phrases like "We did good things, but we just have to get better," or "We need to execute better and focus on the little things" are indicators of irrelevancy. Sights like an offense sitting silent on the sidelines while they watch an entire 4th quarter tick by or a former Pro Bowl QB standing on the sideline, jaw agape, after his terrible throw detroyed any chance of a comeback are other signs of the fateful disease. The Bengals are irrelevant because they run plays up the gut on 2nd and 2 and 3rd and 2, don't get the first down, and punt. Irrelevancy is having no identity at all. The Bengals aren't a running team that can't pass, a passing team that can't run, or an offensive juggernaut that can't play defense - they're just mediocre. Good enough to come close to sniffing a win, but never good enough to threaten.

For once this season I'd like to see a blowup on the sideline. I'd like to see Carson Palmer light into his offensive line for not blocking. I'd like to see Marvin Lewis chew out a player for not making an easy tackle rather than doing that stupid clap-clap-clap while his players run to the sideline. I'd like to see a press conference where a player breaks into tears because losing hurts so much or Marvin Lewis go "Denny Green" on the press. I'd like to see somebody on the Bengals show some damn emotion. I won't hold my breath, however. Us fans will have to make do with blase platitudes from the coaches and players that serve only to increase our frustration with the team.

Absent a sea change in the team, I predict the Bengals will go 6-10. They'll win a few, just enough to keep us interested. They're too talented not to win a few. They will leave no mark on the 2008 season, however. It will be almost like they never played - the only people who'll pay attention are us stupid Bengals fans that get sucked in every year.

This is exactly the kind of feeling I thought was over when the Bengals hired Marvin Lewis. I believed the players when they said that the "culture had changed" and "losing is no longer acceptable." I got sucked in when the Bengals signed some free agents and actually developed some talent. I guess I was an idiot.

Thank you 2008 Bengals for giving me that feeling of utter hopelessness and disbelief again. Welcome to NFL hell. I thought we left, but this was just another torture after all, the torture of misguided hope.

Of course, I they beat the Giants, maybe I'll hop back on board :)

Rose Colored Glasses Alert

TarZander — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 00:17:07 -0000

This was one of the worst games I have ever seen in my life. As a Bengals fan, that is really saying something. That said, let's look on the bright side.

The Bengals looked terrible today. I agree with Kirkendall, the blame for this abortion on the football field lies firmly at the feet of the offense. Our defense was mediocre - but hey, they are a Bengals defense. They aren't supposed to be awesome.

The offense was out of sync. Carson Palmer never got comfortable. Chris Perry rarely had room to run. Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh looked like this was the first practice of spring mini camp (oh wait, it was for them...). The offensive line lacked punch and leadership, sort of like it was missing someone important... Bratkowski called plays like he was playing original Techmo Bowl and the Ravens defense just happened to pick the same play. Nothing went right.

But, being a good Bengals fan, I try and look on the bright side...

First, all is not lost after one game. Pittsburgh looks good, good enough to win at least 10 games. Cleveland looked arguably as bad as the Bengals. The Ravens might have won their first and only game of the season. Wildcard is the goal.

Outside the Division, JAX lost to the Titans where neither team looked any good - and Vince Young sprained his knee in the 4th Qtr. The Chiefs looked bad - as will the Raiders (I'm comfortable making that call before the game). SD lost to Carolina. The Bills and Jets - I'm not too afraid of either team. Ditto for the Broncos. Remember, NFL week 1 has 16 winners and 16 losers. 9-7 takes a playoff berth - the Bengals have to go 9-6 for the rest of the season.

Second, this game was awful, but mainly for problems of the Bengals own making. In short, things can be solved. Bonehead penalties, drops of passes that would be first downs, horrible, predictable calls in key situations. The Bengals executed as poorly as OSU did against Ohio in the first half and STILL had an opportunity to tie the game in the 4th Qtr. I'm not saying these problems will be fixed, I'm just saying they can be fixed. Many teams come together after a horrible loss - new leaders emerge on leaderless teams (I'm looking at you, Carson). Clearly, the Bengals were overconfident, (and based on today, that should never happen again). Let's see how they come out against Tennessee before we write the season off just yet.

Third, everything that could go wrong today, did go wrong. Every time the Bengals showed a sign of life, something would happen to extinguish it. The deflection inside the red zone that led to the Bengals' first turnover. The drop by Utecht that would have been a first down. The delay of game penalty that took away a first down in Ravens' territory (BTW, that was a quick trigger by the ref. The ball was snapped as soon as the playclock showed zero, a situation that Manning and Brady have ALL THE TIME and don't get called). With the absence of JJ's fumble return and the penalty on the punt return for a TD, nothing went right for the Bengals all day long. This won't happen every game (at least, I hope it won't).

In sum, we all know our offense is not as bad as it was today. In the absence of an offense, the defense performed as well as to be expected. Punting looked pretty damn good. If the Bengals are anything less than 2-2 after week 4, however, the season is done. Let's reserve final judgment until then.

Chris Henry, Start Drafting Up that Letter to Roger Goodell...

TarZander — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:31:16 -0000

Now I get it. Mike Brown is stupid...stupid like a Fox!

ESPN just reported that Chad Johnson's injury is more serious than first revealed.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/trainingcamp08/news/story?id=3553260

Johnson has a torn labrum. Though it is possible to play this season and avoid surgery, Chad will have to wear a harness. I'll believe that when I see him on the field.

Time to get on that reinstatement letter, Mr. Henry. If Chancellor Goodell will reinstate Pacman Jones after legitimate charges, he should reinstate you after bogus charges were dropped.

Chris Henry is Back?

TarZander — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 01:23:55 -0000

According to a story on ESPN.com, the Bengals have flown Chris Henry to Cincinnati to sign a contract tomorrow morning. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3541693

Chris Henry back in stripes - and not prison stripes, at that? According to ESPN, the Bengals will sign Henry tomorrow morning. Henry is suspended for the first four games of the season but, due to the latest spate of charges being dropped, he will be eligible to play in 2008.

I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand, Henry is an explosive player that knows the Bengals' system. He makes the team better - when he is on the field. On the other hand, I feel like we've already turned the page on this guy. He's let the team down so many times, it seems so stupid to be suckered in again like Charlie Brown trying to kick a football.

Moreover, it almost seems below the Bengals to sign him back. Lewis has taken tremendous strides in reigning in the chicanery of the last few years; resigning Henry undermines the lockerroom discipline Lewis has begun to instill. It's like McCain promising a clean campaign and then running the smear advertisements because he is behind the polls. I liked the new Marvin Lewis; I don't want to see him go by caving into the Chris Henry's of the world.

Then again, it's all about winning, isn't it? If the Bengals don't sign him, someone else will. I'd hate to see him in Yellow and Black (oh wait, he doesn't beat up women, so the Steelers won't sign him), Purple and Black (umm, he didn't sell drugs or witness and murder and cover it up, so the Ravens won't sign him), or Orange and Brown (he's not a "soldier" and does not have a penchant for doing bike stunts in a parking lot, so the Browns are out as well).

Who am I kidding - I'd love to have him back.

BTW - the Browns look TERRIBLE against NY tonight. Go G-Men!

Jesus is evidently one hell of a football coach...

TarZander — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 01:46:25 -0000

Did Darrell Green and Art Monk have a wager on who could say "Jesus" more times in their Hall of Fame induction speeches? I turned on the HOF ceremony and I had to check the channel guide to make sure I wasn't mistakingly watching The 700 Club. I don't mean to impugn the characters of Mr. Green and Mr. Monk - they really are exceptional men in their communities beyond their status as football greats. That said, I was sickened by the spectacle of it. I mean - really - do they ACTUALLY believe that Jesus is the reason why they were great football players? Call me crazy, but I think Jesus 1) wouldn't know what football is (considering it did not exist in the first century C.E.) and 2) his code of ethics has more to do with loving your fellow man than a dime defense. Now I understand why there is an ongoing genocide in Darfur, Jesus is spending entirely too much time making great football players like Darrell Green and Art Monk. Moreover, how do you think Andre Tippett felt, considering he has converted to Judaism? I guess Tippett had to rely on "hard work" to reach the HOF, vice Jesus' fine coaching. For once I would like to hear an inductee tell the damn truth, "I'm up here because I was born a great athlete and had the opportunity to develop my talents to become the best in the game. My hard work, dedication, and the support of my family and coaches made this all possible. Jesus who?"

Unintentionally Funny

TarZander — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 02:42:39 -0000

I sat down to watch the NFL Replay of the 1992 Bengals-Packers game (mainly because I enjoy reliving painful moments in my life). This was actually said by Ahmad Rashad during the game, about a minute before Favre leads the Packers to victory.

"Dave Shula is an excellent head coach, a much better head coach than he was an assistant coach, because of his organizational facilities."

Wow - Shula must have been a REALLY bad assistant coach.

On a separate note, the Bengals had no business losing that game. Harold Green was a monster (though Rashad kept talking about how much he loved Derrick Fenner and Brian Brennan). It was also funny to see Carl Pickens before he became a team cancer and an announcer actually being serious when discussing "multi-milion dollar rookie David Klingler."

Imagine what would have been had the Bengals won this game. The announcers had already talked about how much Holmgren loved Ty Detmer. If Favre had lost (he had a bad game), could Detmer have gotten the nod? If the Bengals had won, would they have maintained momentum and had a good season (they were in a lot of close games in 1992)?

Oh well. If only Tim Krumrie had not hurt Don Majkowski.

Waiting for Peter King's outrage....

TarZander — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 00:10:34 -0000

Another Steeler beats his wife/girlfriend; Crickets from "Mr Morality," Peter King.

I don't have much time or sleep, because my new son arrived on 5 March, Xavier Marcus Anderson, 6lbs 2oz.

In my sleep deprived last week, however, I couldn't help but catch the story that James Harrison, all-pro Steelers linebacker, was arrested for domestic battery et alia. This comes on the heels of Najeh Davenport's fisticuffs with his baby-mama (and no suspension from Pittsburgh) last year and Santonio Holmes' troubles the year before. Keep in mind that Davenport was also arrested while at the U for taking a deuce in a woman's laundry hamper after breaking into her house.

Recall that last year, after Chris Henry had a minor altercation with a parking attendant in Northern Kentucky, the Bengals were accused by Peter King of "enabling" a felon and malcontent. All last year, the Bengals were assailed for harboring criminals and malcontents. I don't remember any Bengal being violent towards women. In fact, most of the Bengals infractions were "personal responsibility" type crimes, including drug possession, alcohol abuse, DUI, and Boating-UI. Aside from Chris Henry's troubles, the Bengals did not have anything remotely violence related - nor firearms related (like Tank Johnson etc.)

So we need to ask the media, which is worse, beating up your women or getting sauced too much on a regular basis? Any thoughts, Mr. King?

Quoted by the Sports Guy

TarZander — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 02:24:58 -0000

Until my kid is born in March, this might be my proudest moment...

I'm quoted as Chuck, Arlington VA. I wish I could have ripped into the Steelers more, perhaps with a Bloodsport reference...

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/080118

Kick Ass.