SB Nation User Blog: Tbone Stallone

Dear Missouri: 35-7

Tbone Stallone — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:44:16 -0000

Dear Mizzou,

In 2003, a 32 year old Jason White lead the then undefeated Oklahoma Sooners into Arrowhead Stadium, where he and the rest of his over-hyped Mongoloids were forced to go ass-to-mouth by a quick midget and the letter L. If you're lucky enough to pick the right dumpster you can ask Teddy Lehman and he'll swear Darren Sproles was covered in eely afterbirth and foaming at the mouth from PCP .

Dan Cody remembers it differently:

"Ell Roberson took my virginity four times that night. The color purple still makes my stool watery to this day. Would you like to value-size?"

Kansas State, built by the meaty hands of Bill Snyder and any JUCO transfer with a prison record, ripped off the left arm of a Sooner juggernaut and proceeded to sodomize Oklahoma with the bloody stump to the tune of 35-7 that night. Using the pseudo-home field advantage, the Wildcats handled OU's highly touted defense with the speed and dexterity of the Bionic Woman on a handjob train. The very same home field advantage you will have this Saturday against an OU defense that has repeatedly blown the homeless for cardboard all year long.

This may be the last time your team is in the position to win a Big 12 championship for decades Your success won't last, take advantage before you're starting 14 underclassmen next year. Iron is hot, put Sam Bradford's Navajo face on it.

Warmest Regards,
TBS

Special note to Chase: Put your fauxhawk and undeserved sense of accomplishment back on after that Kansas loss and get after it this weekend. You're Dallas baby, act like it.

What if?

Tbone Stallone — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 14:52:54 -0000

OU kicks the pussy fart out of Tech. The kind of sick embarrassment you cant recover from. But during mop up Sam Bradford gets decapetated or breaks a finger or decapatated. They go into Stillwater all Ichabod Crane and get handled by the Cowboys the way your uncle did that Thanksgiving when you were 8 and now you can't eat cranberries without crying tears of shame. OU out.

Texas beats A&M and Stephen McGee recedes back into the sewers and waits.

Obviously we root for Baylor like they the white guy versus young Tyson (never going to happen, but little invested for huge payout) regardless. Tech wins and goes to the B12C and beats Mizzou. Assuming Florida runs the table (chopping FelonyState and punking the Satban in Hotlanta). Florida is in Miami. The voters wouldn't let a one-loss Bama go (a la the Mich/OSU debacle in 2006), does Texas have the street cred to stay higher than a Big 12 Champion Tech team? A team that nipped by us in Lubbock and, in this scenario, got mongo'd by the Sooners.

Oh and USC never jumps us, cause they blow stray cock for foodstamps and don't even outright win the Pac-10.

Are we in?

Aggie Fan

Tbone Stallone — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:54:38 -0000

Aggie Fan
We all know them, but for those unfamiliar...

Aggie Fan has little in his life to celebrate, therefore any thimble of success is reason to collectively hold hands in solidarity as men in uniform and then later use that same grip to rejoice by ejaculating inside a ruminant. Chances are he’s got home and away Troy Aikman jerseys in his closet and wore both of them at some point last week. Aggie Fan is married to the first woman he had sex with, his wife however is having sex with a black guy from her work.

I may not need to tell you this, but Aggie Fan fights dirty. Have your Baylor friend bring up the 2 point conversion in OT to random Aggie Fan and be prepared to witness an eyeful of thumb or some glass thrown. Point out that R.C. Slocum went 3-8 in bowl games as head coach at A&M or that Stephen McGee is a penis toucher and chances are you’re getting punched in the back of the head.

In every 32 Aggie Fans, there is Aggie Woman. A stocky female, forged from the hardened cowpies that litter the streets of Bryan/College Station, Aggie Woman shops for clothing in BBQ restaurants and has seen more trucker penis than a urinal off I35. Her nipples are like fighter pilot’s thumbs, she’s got a vaginal canal that could pass a U-Haul and she menstruates Pabst Blue Ribbon. Aggie Woman is like the white guy in a southeast St. Louis off-shoot of the Crips; you don’t know how she got there, but she’d cut her own mother’s throat out in the name of respect.

Grampa Aggie is a gentleman by nature, until game day when Kentucky Deluxe and deer sausage turn your family butcher/taxidermist into a belligerent maroon hurricane who vomits okra casserole on his dying wife whilst pridefully spouting antique racist slurs, not bespoken since The New Deal, and calling the Aggie secondary "a bunch of fucking mooncrickets." He’d dive head first into his burlap-sack-wearing pregnant daughter-in-law, if he thought it might help his team get a first down. Grampa Aggie attended A&M during the rapiest years of sheep raping, and still can’t be trusted around the family collie.

...should you ever be unfortunate enough to meet one of the aforementioned, simply place any visibly shiny objects on your person in a small pile and cover said pile with a mixture of Mint Copenhagen Long Cut, giblet gravy and nacho cheese, then run as fast as you can downwind.

Hook 'em
tbs

The Five Tells of Mack Brown

Tbone Stallone — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 10:26:39 -0000

The Five Tells of Mack Brown

These are the very dick-on-your-forehead, easily identifiable 5 tells of the Mack Attack

Any type of Hair Play - Not sure if the black 10 in his hand is call worthy enough to nip the pot; but he is Columbus on someone else's native land, this hand is red wool sweater heating up and Tressel just puckered his lips and mouthed "I'll show you mine," from across the sidelines. Wiping his brow, Mack check raises with the anticipatory confidence of a pit-bull pacing towards an unluckily cornered kitten.

Hands on Knees - Doesn't yet know he has the best hand, but is drunk with hope and getting weary of the Chan-after-him's inability to cope with a nickel raise, all while pondering how their blue wide out can maize his way through the Texas secondary for more touchdowns than Carr has facial liver spots.
OR
Perhaps tilted with expectancy over a crucial second quarter, 2nd and five play that he called; Danzaing Davis by pulling the "Who's the Boss" card. Greg Monas the typical response,
"Mack, your instinctual draw plays sound about as sharp as Cher covering `Walking in Memphis.'"

Arms Folded - Uneasily secure, stoic cool, the classic bluff. The "do I have pocket Chickenheads or should I double-down?" look, easily JHawks most scale overwhelmers into Nickel cover four, defending on 4th and 20+...what's that...trip 7s on the river, good for 21 yards and the first down, sorry Man the Gina, we all have a dream buffet. However the arms folding technique can be Narcissistically razorbacked in heads up competition by some Nutt, leaving on-lookers mocking why Mack doesn't play his untasted toffee 5star from Huston.

The Hand Clap - With the river Soon to come, Stoops has already normaned a Jack high flush, but Mack is still pining for his open-ended heterosexual draw. Bluffing the tracks off an oncoming cargo train, Mack's slow hand Rudy clap applauds the short-arm fumble Wells Fargoed to the opposing team by a Young not quite as invinceable.

One Half Earphone Raise - The nut kings over 3s boat, as if to say, "Greg, honey, stop nagging we got this one in the scrotum. You want to get some Chalupas in an hour?" This maneuver can usually be binoculared in the third quarter of most DKR games and all home games Beared in Waco.
TBS