You are a good man who is nice and good and good at throwing the ball where the hitter players cannot hit the ball without missing it when they swing.  My friends and me want that you should come to our field to play in front of us while wearing our team's clothes and things.  We have a good team with good nice players like Paul Konerko and people like that who are good at catching.  And throwing. 

People at our ballfield like to cheer when the good things happen and they make it so the people who do the good things can be happy.  We also have good foods and firecrackers and even one of our bad players is married to a very pretty lady so you will probably also be married to a very pretty lady if you come here and be with us.

If you come to our team my daddy says that maybe he will stop hitting me with his hitting stick.  He also said that maybe my doggie who he ran over will come back to life and be with me again.  He said that if this letter does not work and you do not come to our good team he will make it so that I will have to sleep in the car again and that this time there won't be any candy wrappers for me to smell on.

So please come to our team.  Here is a picture of my daddy and his hitting stick.

As you our loyal paying subscribers are no doubt aware, yesterday was not this publication’s finest hour.  A series of unfortunate posts, reposts, mis-replies and gaffes in judgment on these pages led to much conflict and recrimination, culminating in a spirited staff meeting late last night in the palatial top-floor penthouse of our proprietor, The South Side Cheat.  Finding our seats among the sundry jars of urine, viscera and hair (“don’t worry, those aren’t actual human heads in the fridge -- at least probably not of anyone you know”), the authors and editors were berated at length by our reclusive superior for yesterday’s embarrassing performance. 

After the customary beatings were administered, it was determined that I, resident Author Dipshit, would be assigned the task of formulating a user-friendly guide to use of this medium.  Normally, a mundane undertaking such as this would be beneath the lofty duties of an Author -- one of the many of the site’s Editors (when not busy adding dots to i’s) would typically be assigned.  However, given yesterday’s disastrous results, Koba (as Cheat prefers to be called in person) insisted that the duty fall upon one bearing a somewhat more distinguished title.  The decision made, Colin was put back in his crate and the rest of us, chastened, were shown to the door by Grûnd, The Cheat’s truncheon-wielding, 8-foot tall albino manservant.

What follows is the result of this assignment.  Please note that each of these requirements should be rigidly adhered to in order to achieve optimal use of the site.

I.          PREPARATION.

Before commencing your use of South Side Sox, please comply with the following:

1.         Connect your typewriter to the television component of your computer machine.  You may procure wires that are specifically suited for that purpose, but more frugal users may instead make use of string, shoelaces or any tube-shaped noodle.

2.         Ensure your typewriter is filled with ink.

3.         Remove your telephone handset from its cradle and place it on top of the computer.  This step is very important: The computer will not work unless it is connected with your phone.

4.         Sit in a comfortable chair facing the computer.  No, the other way, WU … oh for Chrissakes, will someone please turn him the right way? 

5.         Maintain eye contact with the television screen at all times – it will be distracting for other users to be forced to stare at the side or top of another user’s head (or, in the case of contributor MarketMaker, directly into his anus) when using the internet.

6.         Turn your television to the Internet channel.  Adjust the antenna until the static is at an acceptable level.  Some ghosting may appear – this is normal (if you are a ghost).

7.         Your computer does not need food – do not attempt to feed it.

8.         The internet will only work within the continental United States.  Any attempt to transport it for use in a foreign country (e.g., Peoria) is an act of treason.

II.         USE.

The following rules and guidelines should be observed when actually “on-line” at South Side Sox:

1.         When you wish to emphasize a particular point, do not use “all caps”, multiple exclamation points or bold text.  Instead, simply push more firmly than normally on your typewriter keys and your point will be made.  For an especially urgent post, try flinging your keyboard across the room or punching the screen repeatedly with a closed fist.

2.         If your computer makes use of a spell-checking service, it is not necessary to tip your spell checker.  It is considered polite, however, to offer him/her a drink of water or other appropriate beverage.  There are various holes or “ports” in the computer into which liquids may be poured for this purpose.

3.         Do not feel constrained by the “Reply” button – it is customary and appropriate for users of SSS to post whatever they want whenever they want.  Similarly, if the subject of a particular post or thread is not of interest to you, simply change the subject to one which you prefer.  No one will mind.

4.         Most of the “people” with whom you are sharing SSS are not real – they are computer avatars included solely the amusement of our users.  For example, “Chiburb” is a digital creation loosely based on the video game character, Mario.  User “Where Triples Go To Die” is based on the left-side paddle in the early video game Pong.

5.         Relatedly, even those fellow users who are actual people are often not as they describe themselves online.  For example, site editor “larry” is not actually a lawyer, meaning there is actually a chance that he has had sexual intercourse with a woman at some point.

6.         “Happy endings” are not available on SSS.  Unless you live in the Seattle area.

7.         If you encounter difficulties using the site or the internet generally, do not post about them.  Simply back away from the computer and raise your hand.  A technical support representative will visit you shortly.  Ensure you keep your hand raised at all times prior to being visited by technical support.

III.        AFTER USE.

When you have completed your session:

1.         This cannot be overemphasized: Before switching off your computer, ensure you save the internet file.  Failure to do so will result in loss of all data on the internet, meaning everyone will have to start over entirely from scratch.

2.         Also before signing out, print out a hard copy of the internet.  This will ensure that, in the event of a catastrophic failure, the internet may at least be retyped if necessary.

3.         Disinfect your computer thoroughly.  While it is not necessary to bathe your computer after each use, you should give it a gentle rinsing at least weekly.

We hope this guide will prove useful.  Any questions or comments should be loudly shouted at the computer screen or written in crayon on a piece of paper and glued to your keyboard.

In today's fast-paced, cutthroat world of sports journalism, it has become vogue for columnists and even ordinary reporters to make predictions regarding the outcome of the events they cover.  In closely observing this phenomenon, I have learned to my surprise (and horror) that not only are these predictions occasionally inaccurate, but they are sometimes even inconsistent.  Why just yesterday, the author of one "reputable" website picked the Rays to win the forthcoming White Sox - Rays series in 4 games, while a famous local sports TV anchor picked the Sox to win in 5.  Who to believe?

We, the editorial staff of South Side Sox, generally do not participate in these sorts of mundane pursuits; our loyal paying subscribers simply expect more than a simple "one man's opinion" type of off-the-cuff analysis regarding the outcome of the games we value so highly.  However, we also recognize that, in order to remain competitive in the current dog-eat-dog environment of sports journalism, it is necessary for us to offer some views on this topic.

That is why I, your humble Junior Deputy Assistant Associate Editor, have taken it upon myself to consult with noted Predictive Statistician and Modeler, Michael J. Adair (PhD pending), of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (Skokie Campus), in order to determine whether a definitive method may exist for determining the winner of the Sox-Rays series in advance.  The following is a full, unedited transcript of that conversation:

MICHAEL J. ADAIR:  Hello?

TAEG:  Hello, is this noted Predictive Statistician and Modeler, Dr. Michael J. Adair?

MJA:  Well, yes, this is Mike Adair -- but I'm not a doctor.  Well, not yet anyway ... I'm a graduate student who is ...

TAEG (interrupting):  But you consider yourself to be a doctor, right?

MJA:  Uhhhh, well ... no.  Who in the world would ever consider himself to be a doctor if he was not in fact a doctor?  Look, who is this and what's this all ...

TAEG (interrupting again):  Close enough, science boy.  Now spill it: How do I figure out who will win the Sox-Rays series this week?

MJA (pause):  The baseball games?  Uh, look ... I don't know who you are or what you want, but I'm kinda busy right now, so ...

[NEXT 38 MINUTES OF TAPE INAUDIBLE - TAPE APPARENTLY SMEARED WITH BACON]

TAEG: ... so, you're saying that if I knew every single event that has ever occurred in the entire history of all things ever, as well as the current location, velocity, attitude and direction of evey single particle in the universe, I could definitively predict the Sox-Rays outcome?

MJA (long pause):  Well ... I mean, theoretically ... making the assumptions that we discussed regarding hard determinism ... putting aside quantum theory, and imagining ... I mean, again, strictly on a theoretical basis, that such a thing were possible, I suppose ... but look, all this is obviously ridiculous, it's like saying ...

TAEG (interrupting):  So your answer is yes.  Thanks, gotta go now, you've been a big help [hangs up].

Now, I am no fool.  I know it is impossible for any single person to determine the precise location, velocity, etc. of every single particle in the universe -- why the very concept is laughable!  But this is where you, loyal reader/contributor, can help.  I believe that between myself, the other editors and authors of this site, and you, the literally tens of readers of this fine publication, we can gather the relevant data and perform the critical analysis that has become the hallmark of SSS. 

I am therefore requesting that each of you (yes, even you, "mjthor", if that is your real name), make a mental note of the location, velocity and direction of every particle that you can observe, and email the results to me, The Actual El Guapo at WTGTD@capslockbuttonisapparentlybrokenbeyondrepair.com.  If everyone does their fair share, by gametime, we should have enough information to take a shot at this thing!

I am second to no one in my belief that it is very important for the White Sox to get off to a good start in their best-of-five playoff series against the Tampa Bay Rays.  I suspect many of you, fellow Sox fans, feel the same way.  There are many reasons for this -- the first and most obvious being that the Rays have the home field advantage, with 3 of the possible 5 games in the series scheduled to take place in Florida, meaning the Sox must win at least one game on the road in order to take the series, and it might as well be Game 1.  In addition, the Sox have a great deal of momentum built up from their 3 straight wins in elimination games, and it would be a shame to see that cut short.  Finally, the Rays are a young team which has never been to the playoffs before, and therefore may be more prone to panic if they find themselves in an early hole than a more seasoned team would be.

However, with all that being said, the White Sox are at a distinct disadvantage if they wish to "steal" the first game of the series today for one primary reason:  The first game of the series is not scheduled to take place until tomorrow.  It seems to me that it may be difficult for the Sox to win Game 1 today (regardless of pitching match-up, lineup, momentum, etc.) given that game is simply not going to actually take place today.  Admittedly, I am not, as I think I have made clear in the past, a "Stat-Head", or a "Research-Guy", or "Someone-Who-Is-Capable-Of-Even-The-Most-Basic-Level-Of-Rational-Thought", but I have done some digging, and have been unable to find even a single instance of a major league baseball team jumping off to the lead in a series prior to the commencement of that series (and certainly not on the road).

I realize that, as sports fans, we always bring the "win today" attitude to any game, and I would not have it any other way.  However, without wanting to seem overly pessimistic, I think we, as more enlightened fans, owe it to ourselves to temper our expectations slightly regarding what the Sox will be able to accomplish today.

My post yesterday, addressing what I perceived to be the relative importance of the Tigers-White Sox game to the White Sox 2008 playoff chances, received a fair amount of criticism.  Put briefly, some of the site's more sophisticated, "elite" readers seemed to believe that some of the points I made were overly simplistic.  The proprietor of this site, in fact, has informed me that there were several threats by readers to cancel their subscriptions; which is of course particularly troubling in today's chilly economic climate.

By way of recompense, and to prove that the editors of this site can talk stats, "advanced metrics" and "the numbers game" as well as any of the so-called "experts" out there (and you know who you are, NS), this post therefore addresses a far more advanced topic:  What I believe will be the key statistic in determining the winner of tonight's White Sox - Twins matchup. 

After performing exhaustive research and thorough analysis of essentially all relevant methods of measurement -- including "OPS", "SLG", "OBP", "VORP", "WARP", "SNLVR", "Runs Created", "POS", "OPOS", "Moneyballyosity", "Winneritude", "Wanting-it-More-y-ness", " "Dirty-Uniform-Expectancy (ver.2/pants)", and "Caught-Stealing/Player-Height" -- I am prepared to present my findings.

Runs scored, fellow readers, runs scored - I truly believe that tonight's winner will be the team which scores the most total runs in the game.  My findings indicate that it will be exceedingly difficult for either team to overcome a significant deficit in runs scored tonight; particularly if such team trails in that department at the end of the contest. 

Unfortunately, space constraints do not permit me to "show my work", but I certainly welcome any challenges, questions, comments, etc. from you, the readers.  Let me have it but, please, please, please: Be gentle!

I know baseball has a 162 game season, and it's always dangerous to overemphasize the importance of a single game.  However, without intending to be overly hyperbolic, I really do think that today's make-up game against the Tigers may be an important game for the Sox playoff chances in 2008 -- perhaps even in the top 20-25 of all of the games they will play this year.

Think about it:  If the Sox win, they will have made a "statement" to their fans, the media and the rest of the league that they are serious about competing for a division title this year.  What a confidence boost that would be!  What a great message to send to the younger players!  If they lose, on the other hand, the rest of the division will certainly gain confidence.  They may even begin to think that the Sox may lack the heart to gut it out and win a relatively important game -- that they lack the discipline to want it bad enough, if you will.

Look, I know it's early and there is still 1/162nds of the season (nearly 1%) left.  I'm sure a lot of you so-called "statheads" and "logic freaks" will disagree with this post.  But to me (and I fully acknowledge that I speak only for myself here), this is just "one of those games" that it is important for the Sox to win if they want to make the playoffs in 2008.

Recently, an article was penned in this publication by a new contributor using the nom de plume "jammer".  The contribution was harshly criticized by many -- with even stalwart author larry referring to it as possibly the least perceptive "post" offered in these pages in many a moon. 

It is the considered opinion of this author, however, that the missive in question is not only unworthy of our scorn, fellow readers, but that it is indeed simultaneously both revolutionary and evolutionary.  Ingenious in his use of apparently simple language and his use of the vulgar tongue, "jammer" has, with his manifesto (for it is, in fact, certainly no less than a manifesto), "Ozzie the Moron Strikes Again!", done no less than capture, in 12 brief sentences, the plight of post-modern man in the post-post-modern world. 

Let us now examine the treatise in question in a sentence-by-sentence manner in the perhaps futile hope that we might perhaps catch a passing glimpse of its dazzling brilliance; to perhaps at least scratch the surface of its many-layered and perhaps impenetrable depths.

Because this task will be exceedingly difficult, requiring many hours of research, back-breaking labor and the assistance of many research fellows (and perhaps grants), I will begin today with an analysis of the first sentence of the “OTMSA” only.  Future analysis will hopefully follow, should the initial attempts not further enfeeble this author's somewhat delicate constitution.

"Ozzie is an IDIOT!" 

Even with his brief introductory assertion, “jammer” lets the reader know that this will not be a literary walk in the park.  The term "Ozzie" appears at first glance to be a simple reference to major league baseball manager, Ozzie Guillen, the leader of the team bearing the moniker, "White Sox" and hailing from Chicago, Illinois.  However, the use of the double "zz", or the last letter of the alphabet, has quite another possible meaning to the more literarily inclined. 

In Greek, of course, the final letter of the alphabet is Omega.  Accordingly, a reasonable interpretation of the use of the double "z" in the term "Ozzie" is that it is a in fact a reference to a double Omega.  As we all know, the Double Omega reference (http://www.mentoring.org/about_mentor/mentor_store/double_omega/) in modern western society is most commonly associated with the award winning adult mentoring program known simply as Mentor.  The term Mentor, of course, synonymous with the term Teacher. 

With the statement that "Ozzie is an IDIOT" (emphasis in original), then, jammer makes a definitive (and quite devastating) statement concerning the futility of modern man's obsession with education and science as a means to gain perfect knowledge; to equal God himself.  There are, says jammer, mysteries (whether one wishes to call them "religion", "quantum theory", or otherwise) that mankind simply cannot fathom; an abyss which has no bottom.  jammer's critique is that, like those of Icarus himself, mankind's attempts to soar gracefully to the heavens are doomed to broken failure on the rocky shoals of reality.  Prometheus Unbound, indeed.

Next:  "He has to be at the bottom 5 of mlb managers.  He either leaves his pitchers in too long or he can't get runs.":  A simple rumination regarding obscure baseball strategy, or a bold prediction concerning the cataclysmic ruin of the so-called "rationality" of western society when confronted by the mysteries and intrigues of the orient?