I can't let it go. I'm sorry. I tried. no matter what I do, I just can't let go of that protected first round pick. In the post Jack-for-RJ era, we have been met with a future so barren, so desolate of opportunities to acquire new talent, how can I not hold onto the mad hope of a lottery pick in a deep draft? Oh yeah, I haven't even mentioned the boredom factor: Curry/Bogut/Thompson/Lee could be nice, but what does that matter if I'm fast asleep by the end of the first quarter? After all these years and all of the mistakes and bad luck, it is absolutely inexcusable to not tank with fervent desperation! We need Lacob to be the evil owner from Major League, and force Mark Jackson into a more savvy approach to the game.

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Dieter Dummkopf's 1987 piece "Sphare oben papierkorb"

Jerry Buss is a man of great wealth, and even greater love. That was never truer late Thursday, as Buss finalized the purchase of the world's most expensive sculptures depicting an off-center sphere over a waste-basket, and all for his one greatest love: a pair of 19-year-old alleged twin sisters who appear to be in their early-to-mid thirties and of distinctly different racial backgrounds.

Buss seen with alleged twins Kavasiyay "Yay" Williams and Monica "Flaca" Morales in 2007

In what is no doubt one of the world's most complex and lengthy fine art acquisitions to date, Buss' $30 million-plus love token for his tawdry tandem of curvaceous kiddies places him in an elite class in two different competitive realms: sports franchise ownership, and now, modern art collection. Dieter Dummkopf's "Sphare oben papierkorb" ( "Sphere over wastebasket") is considered among the world's premiere examples of modern German off-center-basic-shapes-being-thrown-away art. Buss had apparently been plotting the purchase since early 2008, when the twins, then alledgedly 17 and attending an unknown high school, saw the piece at the Los Angeles Museum of Modern Art while on loan from then-owner Ted Turner. Turner had obtained the piece under unusual circumstances himself, during a period in 2001 in which he, according to The New York Times "made a number of unwise wagers while participating in week-long, cough syrup benders with TNT basketball commentator  and notorious gambling addict Charles Barkley."

"Heck we used to drink three, four bottles of Robitussen each before we'd even get to the strip club." Turner told Ghetto Billionaire's Almanac in 2003. "One time we were supposed to go to some [sic] bridge tournament at Warren Buffet's place and we ended up stealing a tractor and would've run over Sharron Osborne if Bill Gates hadn't [sic] his [sic] and called the cops."

Barkley at "Muff Hut" in Atlantic, New Jersey in 2004

It was in February of 2008 when Buss began the process of acquiring the piece, which was soon to be loaned to the NBA to serve as a sort of make-shift trophy for its annual end-of-season tournament. The process began by calling longtime cohort and recently defunct Memphis Grizzlies GM Jerry West.

"I knew Jerry had Chris [Wallace's] ear, so I had him shoot a trade idea for [Pau] Gasol where they got peanuts and actually thought they were getting sound advice from ol' Jerry." Buss gloated to Malfeasance Weekly  in 2009. This places the trade in a rather dubious light, but pales in comparison to rumors rampant at the time that Buss had offered a literal harem of girls, imported from an exotic locale, to compensate Wallace for his cooperation.

West and Wallace field questions about the similarity of their hairdos in March 2007

With an incredibly long and skilled, if however floppy and dour, power forward to pair with 7-footer Andrew Bynum in the front court, Buss needed only wait paitently for the inevitable to happen, and leave his checkbook open, scrawling-hand prone.  In 2009 Lamar Odom was resigned behind closed doors in Las Vegas by Buss personally, a move ensuring two things: Luxury Tax fees and winning. To Buss, these were simply means to an end:

"I'm just so thankful for those twins'...companionship, you see. Their...companionship on those lonely nights...sometimes twice, three times depending on the effects of the medication. I will spare no expense to make those girls happy, and if that means winning an NBA championship to get them some fancy [sic] sculpture, so be it," Buss told Kerrang! Magazine last week. "There is nothing sweeter than twin, multi-racial, 19-year-old companionship."

The story of public relations is the story of the application of psychoanalysis to marketing. In fact, the man recognized with the establishment of the first PR firm in 1919, one Edward L. Bernays, was the nephew of none other than the infamous Sigmund Freud.   Our story, however, is not concerned with the advent of that Orwellian juggernaut with which we are all so painfully familiar in the 21st century, but rather how it has influenced the life of one of my own, and many other GSOMers favorite ex-warriors, the enigmatic Gilbert Arenas.

Gilly utilizes his patented "raspberry crossover" on ex-Dub TMNT

via cache.daylife.com

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     where to begin?   how about tuesday night, at 7:30pm PDST.   i don't know where you were, but i was sitting in a booth in the bar section of my local chili's, trying to watch the warriors game. why? because this god forsaken hellhole, located within the outer rings of the local melting pot of bland, middle-american culture we call "the mall", is the only place in my town with CSN Bay+, the premium channel that is home to the preempted rejects of the sporting world.   so what exactly was it that caused me to be affixed to the sticky vynil of a gaudily decorated booth, surrounded on all sides by strange mall people, with their oversized alice and chains t-shirts and cheap, cliche hot topic decorations?   ice hockey.    F*cking ice hockey, the game with such low scoring they have to force teams to play without  a full team on the rink,  in 2008!   somehow the nhl still exists after countless near-defunk-ings!

     from what i have managed to decipher from television, in the midst of the dense cloud of indifference surrounding the bizzarre sport, the local bay area team, the "sharks", are presently enjoying some sort of lead in their conference, or whatever equivalent they have.   it would seem their contingent of hook-nosed, eastern bloc goons is more profficient at awckwardly slapping tiny black objects about an ice rink for several hours at a time.   incredibly, their ability to ice skate, a pursuit usually left for little girls and effeminate boys, has caused their "games" to preempt nba basketball!!!

     needless to say, this is a huge problem.   i don't know how many more awesome blossoms i can choke down people!!!   tell your friends:   stop hockey now!

Here's what ESPN's john Hollinger had to say about Anthony Randolph in June:

Between Me and the Scouts, One of Us Will Look Like an Idiot

Anthony Randolph, LSU, 9.85

 

Yes, this is true. Seen in many quarters as a high lottery pick, Randolph has virtually nothing in his statistical record to justify such a lofty selection.

 

In particular, his woeful ball-handling numbers are a major red flag. Randolph had more turnovers than any prospect except Beasley and Thompson, but those two players had every play run through them; I'm still waiting to find out Randolph's excuse.

 

Additionally, his 49.9 true shooting percentage is alarmingly bad for a guy who is supposed to dominate athletically.

 

He can block shots, and the fact his team was such a mess probably didn't help his numbers any, but gambling on Randolph with a high first-round pick looks like the basketball equivalent of hitting on 19 in blackjack. Hey, maybe the dealer throws out a 2 and everyone thinks you're a genius, but chances are you're going to bust.

 

It appears he's going to be drafted in the middle of the first round at worst, but even that appears to be a terrible mistake -- there is no track record whatsoever of a player rated this poorly achieving pro success.

OK, take a deep breath.   This sentence fragment doesn't imply Monta is the best player drafted in 2005.   What it implies is that as the 40th overall pick, Monta represents the best move, luck notwithstanding, of any nba organization that draft day.   What am i basing this statement on?   Let's take a look at his player efficiency, the de facto means of rating a player's overall impact on the game.

As of today (prior to tonights matchup against a Bosh-less Toronto), Monslay's EFF is a butterscotch, maraschino cherry diamond +19.74.   Guess who's got him beat from that draft class?   Exactly THREE players!   Whom, you ask? #10 pick Andrew Bynum (leading by a paltry 2.12), #4 Chris Paul (currently ranked 4th in EFF at 27.5), and #3 Deron Williams (at 22.31).   Not bad for a skinny "6'3" kid straight out of high school.

Of course, player efficiency isn't necessarily the golden ratio of player assessment, but I'll leave further analysis to the more mathematically inclined.

(authors note: Monslay? that's the best nickname i've heard yet. we need to seriously put some time into this!)