The Great Barstoolio
Jan 27, 2009 Jan 27, 2012 516 2366
The female Bruce Feldman (this is debatable).
website: EDSBS
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Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
by The Great Barstoolio on Apr 4, 2011 12:44 PM EDT
on The 7th Floor
So. Way back when Lt. Winslow and I launched this fair blog, we pledged to cover Miami Hurricanes football with mountains of coke the appropriate amounts of questionable taste and blind devotion, guided only by the bare minimum of our contractual obligations. We had a spectacular run of approximately three weeks, plunged headlong into the minimum of our contractual obligations, and then spent two years pissing off Florida State fans by not posting snap judgments, excruciating minutiae, and racist 'guest appearances' passed off as Q&As. Fuck you guys. At any rate, we had our moments, whether catching Brian Butler reviewing game plans (still kills), presiding over a Najeh Davenport baby-naming horrorshow, or the long spree of hilarious and inappropriate Winslowisms. Sadly, our free time to spend on 7th Floor went the way of Miami football, and we're handing the reigns to the capable person of RayRayRayRayRayRayRayRay. You'll be fine. And on the plus side, it only follows that now that we've given up the little whorehouse we founded, the Hurricanes will be instant contenders. You can thank us now, in xanax.
Former Michigan QB Tate Forcier Transfers to Miami
My apathy knows no bounds.
The Connect Vomits Into a Tire
by The Great Barstoolio on Feb 7, 2011 10:27 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
Sam Shields has won a Super Bowl as a starting rookie corner. Naturally, this included a familiar flub on special teams, but it still counts. Congrats are also due to Winston Moss and Alonzo Highsmith, both part of the Packers organization. Best of all, with Aaron Rodgers triumphing over Ben Roethlisberger, everyone is now un-raped. Hooray, Sam!
(You can insert your player development huffery here, but even Shields' dad excuses Randy Shannon in this case, telling Barry Jackson "Randy tried,” but that "Randy and Wesley McGriff didn’t have enough time.” He does, however, think Randy's doghouse can suck it.)
Word from Barry Jackson is that players are responding very well to Al Golden's energetic program re-vamp -- at least when they aren't puking during workouts.
Under Golden’s orders to strength and conditioning coach Andreu Swasey, workouts are longer, more intense, and the weights are heavier....Seantrel Henderson, Curtis Porter, Luther Robinson and others vomited initially.
“We’re flipping tires, pulling weights on a sled, different things,” Washington said. “This is the Andreu Swasey from 2001, from the national championship team. He was reading notes he had from ’02, ’03. That’s what we needed. We should have done this last year.”
Wait, you mean, the guy just hadn't read his notes for the past four years? How silly! Jackson also grabs details of Golden's rulebook, which includes the usual: eat breakfast, sit in the front row of class, don't wear earrings or hats in class, be five minutes early, curse less, and spoon the lady afterward for the appropriate amount of time.
Tolbert Bain, a starting corner on Miami's 1987 national championship team and recipient of 7th Floor's Lost Wu-Tang Memberiest Award for his appearance in The U, has been sentenced to 41 months in federal prison for possession and intent to distribute heroin. Apparently he is actually the Tolbert Bainiest.
Texas remains Miami's bitch even when Miami inexplicably wears a Virginia Tech helmet.
Meet Your New Miami Hurricanes
by The Great Barstoolio on Feb 2, 2011 9:26 PM EST
on The 7th Floor
Hey, it's after 9 pm on Signing Day! We may not get to the news first around these parts, but we're certainly the most adorable and just might share our pills if you're funny. This year's commits are certainly more than welcome but somewhat anti-climactic; when you crap the bed in 2010 and the new guy gets just 15 days on the road, you love the ones you're with and do your best to remember their names in the morning. We all know rankings are shit, anyway, so behold our totally scientificly predictionary 7th Floor Rankings and a widdle bit about each new Baby Cane, delivered with the most gleeful shruggery ever summoned from the fires of please-god-let-this-Golden-guy-work-out. YOU'RE ALL JUST PARTS OF A WHEEL THAT FLEW OFF OUR CAR AND WE THINK HAVE IT BACK ON RIGHT BUT CAN'T TELL UNTIL WE DRIVE IT AND THERE'S A CHANCE WHEN WE DO IT FALLS OFF AGAIN AND WE'RE PLOWED BY AN 18-WHEELER, SO, YOU KNOW, THANKS FOR BEING BRAVE WE LOVE YOU NOW EVERYONE HOLD HANDS.
[Weeps]
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Jedd Fisch Hired as Hurricanes' Offensive Coordinator
by The Great Barstoolio on Jan 13, 2011 11:44 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
Well. Seattle Seahawks QB coach Jedd Fisch has agreed to be the next guy to restrain himself from strangling Travis Benjamin. Now Miami has a Jethro and a Jedd on staff, meaning only one thing: COUNTRY STRONG, LIKE GWYNETH PALTROW.
That Gwyneth Paltrow, of course, clearly playing for Minnesota while Jedd Fisch coached its offense to some decidedly unstellar numbers in 2009: 109th in total offense; 100th in scoring; 75th in passing; 111th rushing. Bruce Feldman says Fisch is "very outgoing/energetic;" we can only hope he also tips well, knows how to handle a salad fork, and gives single-bridesmaid-slaying rehearsal dinner toasts.
"Look what he's done with J.P. Losman!" says no one. Whatever. Let's just get this ship to signing day.
Fisch joined the Seahawks staff on February 4, 2010 after spending one season as the University of Minnesota’s offensive coordinator/quarterbacks coach after eight seasons in the NFL.
In his only season in Denver in 2008 as wide receivers coach, he coached Brandon Marshall to a career-high 104 catches with 1,265 and six touchdowns. He also tutored rookie Eddie Royal to one of the most productive rookie seasons in NFL history with 91 catches for 980 yards and five touchdowns. Denver finished the season with the second-ranked offense in the NFL.
Prior to the Broncos, he spent four seasons in Baltimore, including the 2006 campaign when Baltimore posted a 13-3 record and won the AFC North. Steve McNair received Pro Bowl honors during his first season in Baltimore after setting a franchise record for completion percentage (63.0%). Additionally, he helped wide receivers Derrick Mason (68) and Mark Clayton (67) form one of four wideout tandems in the AFC that featured two players with at least 65 catches. Fisch also contributed to a Ravens offense in 2006 that ranked first in the NFL in time of possession (32:49), second in sacks allowed (17) and ninth in pass completions (328).
He was Baltimore’s assistant quarterbacks coach in 2007 after serving as its assistant quarterbacks/wide receivers coach from 2005-06 and offensive assistant in 2004.
He began his NFL coaching career on the defensive side of the ball with the Houston Texans, for three seasons (2001-03). Houston Head Coach Dom Capers made him the Texans third hire in 2001. He worked on both sides of the ball that year, handling administrative duties to help the Texans prepare for their inaugural season.
Following an aortic aneurysm, Fisch handled off-the-field duties for the Texans in 2003 with his responsibilities including opponent tape breakdown and game analysis.
A graduate of the University of Florida with a bachelor’s degree in criminology, Fisch worked with his alma mater’s football program for two seasons as a graduate assistant from 1999-2000 while obtaining a master’s degree in sports management. He assisted Head Coach Steve Spurrier and the rest of the Gators’ coaching staff during those two seasons, helping the team advance to the Citrus (1999) and Sugar Bowls (2000) in addition to winning the Southeastern Conference championship in 2000.
Fisch, who served as an assistant coach and defensive coordinator at P.K. Yonge High School in Gainesville, Fla., from 1997-98 as an undergraduate, began his professional coaching career in 1998 with the Arena Football League’s New Jersey Red Dogs. He coached the team’s wide receivers and handled quality control duties for both offense and defense.
Born on May 5, 1976, in Livingston, N.J., Fisch is a graduate of Hanover Park High School in East Hanover, N.J. He is married to Amber, and the couple has two daughters, Zaylee and Ashlee.
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"[Golden] really put pressure on us. He came at us. He was unreal. He was like: 'Sir I apologize for the old staff. We have a whole new staff. We evaluated your son, watched the state championship game and we were very impressed. We really like what we saw in him. And we want him, we want him bad. Whatever it is, I'm going to do everything I have to do to get him.'"
Um...This Is Not What We Meant By "Snow"
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 31, 2010 10:49 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
Crank up the hand warmers and jump start the excuse machine: the Sun Bowl owns no snow removal equipment. See you at 2 p.m., CBS.
A Day Without Mexican Babies: Tuesday in El Paso
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 28, 2010 9:41 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
Yes, that's a real baby enjoying the one-handed autograph dip during yesterday's hospital visit.
Brandon McGee is now an Honorary Mexican. Via U Football, of course.
Jimmy Graham kicks off the 137th week a Pro Cane has scored in the regular NFL season in style. Then he scored again.
You’re talking about the epitome of intensity. You’re talking about the epitome of nastiness. You’re talking about somebody who is the epitome of in-your-face attitude and is probably one of the meanest sons of a bitch on a football field ever.
Former PSU teammate and Miami Dolphins tight end Troy Drayton on new DC Mark D'Onofrio, to All Canes.
We Now Have a Coach Named Jethro
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 16, 2010 5:49 PM EST
on The 7th Floor
Three Temple assistants have won the lottery, so...so long, Rick Petri, Wesley McGriff, and John Lovett. Golden has also hired Tom Deahn as Director of Football Operations and Ryan McNamee as Director of Player Development, meaning Corey Bell and Cindy Abraham-Garcia are out.
The University of Miami football program and new head coach Al Golden have added three assistant coaches to the existing staff in a limited capacity for the remainder of the calendar year.
Former Temple defensive coordinator Mark D'Onofrio, defensive line coach Jethro Franklin and defensive backs coach Paul WIlliams will join the Miami staff and be allowed to recruit this week thanks to an NCAA waiver.
The three new coaches will not be allowed to partake in coaching activities until after Dec. 31, but are currently allowed to recruit for UM. The NCAA waiver was approved on Tuesday.
It was only a matter of time before @CanesBARBER got to work.
Al Golden: A Tanned Angel In 100% Cotton Shorts (A RickMuscles Guest Appearance)
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 15, 2010 11:00 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
This post is brought to you Twitter wunderkind @RickMuscles, who maintains the column "Squat Rack of Desire" over at Every Day Should Be Saturday, has a serious weightlifting fetish, and has the unfortunate birthright of Alabama fandom. Hold nothing against him, unless it is the body of his yoga instructor or Holly Rowe on a bed of cornbread. "I've never got my tape measure out," he has said, "but I assume Andre Johnson maintains proper thigh circumference."
In this guest appearance, Mr. Muscles has deigned to analyze the infamous workout video of former Penn State tight end Al Golden. We do not know why it ends in a picture of a dog.
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Oh, And There Was An Awards Banquet In There Somewhere
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 14, 2010 7:49 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
2010 Miami Football Award Winners
Jack Harding (MVP): Leonard Hankerson, Sean Spence
Newcomer of the Year: Seantrel Henderson
Special Teams Player of the Year: Matt Bosher
Scout Team Player of the Year-Offense: Storm Johnson, Cory White
Scout Team Player of the Year-Defense: Nate Gholston, Sean Goldstein
Albert Bentley Most Valuable Walk-on Award: Chris Ivory
Strength Training Athlete of the Year: Allen Bailey
Nick Chickillo Most Improved Player: Richard Gordon, Vaughan Telemaque
U Miami Sports Hall of Fame Unsung Hero Award: Ryan Hill, Orlando Franklin
URespect Award "Sportsmanship": Josh Holmes
Training Room Comeback Player of the Year: Patrick Hill
Hard Hitter Award: Colin McCarthy
Walt Kichefski Hurricane Award--Commitment, Consistency, Work Ethic: Brandon Harris
Mariutto Family Scholarship Award for Academic Excellence: Pat Hill
Community Service Man of the Year Award: Brandon Harris, Jacory Harris
Hurricane Media "Good Guy" Award: Damien Berry
Awards Voted on by the Team
Plumer Award for Leadership, Motivation and Spirit: Colin McCarthy
Melching Leadership Award: Patrick Hill
Al Golden Press Conference Live Stream/Replay
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 13, 2010 4:53 PM EST
on The 7th Floor
It's Official! Al Golden Will Be Introduced Monday
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 12, 2010 8:25 PM EST
on The 7th Floor
Sure, you can read the statement from the University below, but all you really need to know about Al Golden is that he lifted weights to "The Final Countdown," which is roughly the equivalent of breastfeeding whiskey, he's going to recruit his ass off, and he'll be introduced Monday.
"From the beginning of this process, one candidate stood above the rest as the right fit for the University of Miami," said Director of Athletics Kirby Hocutt. "We are proud to welcome Al Golden to The U. His desire, leadership, communications skills and preparedness stood above the rest and he is the right man to meet the championship expectations of this program."
Bio after the jump.
If you know nothing else about Al Golden, know that he lifts weights to "The Final Countdown."
FAT MEN TRY CATCH BALLS SOMETIMES ONE DANCE
Eh (Shrug): Your Coaching Rumor Thread of the Weekend
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 10, 2010 6:12 PM EST
on The 7th Floor
Peterson Edsell Pelini Bloobedy Blahberville Boo No One Has Any Idea.
Urban Meyer Steps Down (Again)
Great. Now THEY'LL probably get Mike Leach.
Jeff Stoutland Draws Shot At Glory
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 6, 2010 9:27 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
Miami will play Notre Dame in the Sun Bowl. As Holly Anderson put it, "I tried to say this politely, but I really want to see Miami fans attempt to sell Notre Dame fans into white slavery in Juarez. That doesn't make me a bad person."
Guys, we our mission is two-fold: not be total shit in a bowl game for once, and immediately undertake America's Mission®.
[Moments later]
America's Mission® has failed due to nary a Miami fan planning to attend this game. Plan B is a nice guacamole.
Jon Gruden Madness Thread: Wednesday
by The Great Barstoolio on Dec 1, 2010 7:40 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
Jon Gruden Or Someone Else Who Knows Madness Thread: Tuesday
by The Great Barstoolio on Nov 30, 2010 7:30 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
CRANK UP THE FLIGHT AWARE AND GRAB THE NEAREST BODY LANGUAGE ANALYST!
And then, rumors in the comments as per usual.
Oh, and Interim Head Coach Stoutland talks this morning. Whatever.
Nine Hurricanes Named to All-ACC Teams
by The Great Barstoolio on Nov 29, 2010 4:35 PM EST
on The 7th Floor
Congrats, boys.
Leonard Hankerson garnered the third-most votes in the conference, earning first team ALL-ACC honors alongside offensive guard Brandon Washington and punter Matt Bosher.
Second team honors went to offensive tackle Orlando Franklin, running back Damien Berry, defensive end Allen Bailey, linebacker Sean Spence, cornerback Brandon Harris and safety Ray-Ray Armstrong.
Miami's nine selections were second to only Virginia Tech's 11 on the first- and second-teams.
INTERMISSION ALLOWING MIAMI FANS TIME TO FRANTICALLY SELF-HARM CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT SOB QUIETLY PITCH FACE-FIRST INTO ICE CREAM CUT CUT CUT CUT OKAY HERE WE ARE
Linebacker Colin McCarthy was the 10th 'Cane honored as he was recognized as an honorable mention performer.Boston College running back Montel Harris earned a conference-high 122 points, while Clemson defensive end Da'Quan Bowers garnered 120 points followed by Hankerson's 118.
Uncle Luke wants to hire Gruden, Mike Leach, Tommy Tuberville, Trooper Taylor, or Dennis Erickson. We endorse four of these five hires, because four of them are terrible, terrible ideas. KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE PIRATE.
ESBS weighs in
Jon Gruden Or Someone Else Who Knows Madness Thread: Monday
by The Great Barstoolio on Nov 29, 2010 7:07 AM EST
on The 7th Floor
Presumption of Awesomeness: Jon Gruden Madness Thread
by The Great Barstoolio on Nov 28, 2010 7:42 PM EST
on The 7th Floor
We're at a point it's safe (or at least cool) to assume these talks really are Actually Happening. It remains to be seen, of course, if both Miami and Gruden can come to an agreement and actually seal the deal. But "strong chatter" is, well, strong chatter.
Let's do this!
Andre Johnson is awesome
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