SB Nation User Blog: TheGreenBlazer

Stina Stern-minded on Advice

TheGreenBlazer — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 21:34:56 -0000

Columnist detached from range hack mentality

In this month's Golf Digest, Stina Sternberg tells women golfers to "say no to advice," when approached by swing tip dispensing range hack. It seemed she was making a good point until she states that the babbling range hack would only approach women and would never offer advice to any men. People who have spent enough time on a public practice facility know this is not true.

Range hacks, the talkative ones, will give advice to anyone. They will usually gravitate towards the person who seems most accepting of the advice, but will take what they can get when they can get it. If you've been approached by a know-it-all range hack, you can be guaranteed you weren't his first, probably not even his first of the day.

If you are an obvious beginner, the range hack will take charge of the conversation confidently telling you exactly what you're doing wrong and how to fix it. He will give you the latest drill from, ironically, Golf Digest, and may even show you how it's done. The better you are, the more gingerly he will tread. He will try to initiate an open forum discussing a swing topic, surely tell you what Pelz and Butch said on the matter, and rarely demonstrate it himself.

Range hacks just love to talk about golf ... to anyone man or women. It's safe to say Stina is far removed from the chipping green chop mentality, yet most can agree ... That's a good thing.

For more hilarious articles check out: http://thegreenblazer.blogspot.com

Castle Bay Iron Covers - A Hacktastic Hack Classic

TheGreenBlazer — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:58:49 -0000

A hack is not complete without a fine set of Castle Bay iron covers. These covers are made of the finest molded rubber, and feature tight squeeze openings to leave you struggling and annoyed all round long. The top of the line covers feature a string to keep you from losing them, but if you do, just dig through the lost and found of any 9 hole muni to get a replacement. Castle Bay offers a wide variety of colors including black, blue, red, and of course ... green.

PERFECT UP-SELL: Attention Salesman: Castle Bay iron covers is are a great addition to any 21 piece RAM set.

Phil Mickelson's looming career in acting

TheGreenBlazer — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 03:06:21 -0000

Phil Mickelson had a role in Sunday's episode of the HBO hit show Entourage, as "freakishly tall golfing partner."

Phil's weight-loss strategy for the role was to simply elongate himself, thereby distributing his weight more evenly throughout his colossal frame. Plus, his agent negotiated for him to only appear alongside actors he was at least 2 feet taller than. Congratulations Phil, after this Entourage appearance you've really developed a certain stature as an actor.

Mickelson's Callaway shirts are Tailor Made

TheGreenBlazer — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:05:25 -0000

The 2008 season on the PGA Tour is now over. Phil Mickelson failed to capture his forth major this year, but will most certainly resume his rigorous training regime that started in the off-season 2007. Mickelson's body went through quite the transformation since the days when his man boobs swayed from side to side as he walked the fairways, but just because the 2008 Phil Mickelson has more defined muscles than the Phil we are used to, doesn't mean he should drop a shirt size ... Or does it? After all, he's only adhering to the standard rule among frat boys: The bigger your guns get, the smaller the shirt should be.

HIDING THE FLAB: Here Mickelson's shirt hits him on the forearm, concealing his flabby biceps.

NO MORE BREASTS: Here Phil is trying a different cut. Now he strategically has the the arms of the shirt hitting him mid-bicep like the rest of the bros on tour.

click here for another hilarious article about Phil's man boobs

Henrick Stevenson ... Stevens

TheGreenBlazer — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 01:32:59 -0000

Henrick Stevenson ... Stevens

Former PGA of America Prez doesn't know Stenson

TheGreenBlazer — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 17:36:22 -0000

Did anyone hear Former PGA of America President, M.G. Orender, completely butcher Henrick Stenson's name when announcing him at the Ryder Cup?

He even had a card to read off. A former PGA of America President (probably one of the top ten jobs in golf) shouldn't have to read a card to identify Henrick Stenson ... especially if he has trouble reading. If you missed it, you can stop by the blog to see it. It's also posted as a Fanshot here.

Andrew Giuliani, part 2

TheGreenBlazer — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 00:26:11 -0000

Andrew Giuliani was lucky enough to be paired with Tiger Woods at the 2001 Buick Classic Pro Am. He was also lucky enough to get a spot on Duke's golf team, but he was removed. Now it is time for him to quit being a little ***** (edit, inappropriate language) and hang up the spikes already.

This week Duke University attorneys (who--between the infamous Duke LaCrosse Case, the female football player lawsuit (yes, Duke football is so bad even girls can make the team) and now this--must be the most overworked college attorney team in the nation) moved to see claims dismissed in the Giuliani case, saying the spoiled little brat (edit, inappropriate language) is a total d-bag (edit, inappropriate language) and deserved to be kicked off the golf team.

"Andrew Giuliani is entitled to no more privileges than any other member of the Duke University student body," the Sept. 10 filing says. "Put simply, Giuliani had no right to play varsity golf; he had an opportunity for the privilege to be part of a team, one ... that he squandered through his own conduct.''

That conduct included "throwing an apple in the face of another player, breaking a golf club during a tournament, injuring a teammate and becoming verbally abusive with a coach," according to The Associated Press.

Perhaps Jim Rome put it best when he said "Nothing says 'gentlemen's sport' like chucking an apple at another guy's face ... I mean the guy did everything except say 'Do you know who I am?'"

And we know exactly who he is, the son of a former New York City mayor and presidential candidate. But the credential that sheds the most light on why little Andrew would think to file a lawsuit in the first place is what his father was before any of that: A lawyer. Go figure.

Hopefully the case is thrown out and we'll finally hear the last of Andrew Giuliani's golfing career.

BWHAA HA HA: Rudy Giuliani, long estranged from his son Andrew, probably thinks Andrew is a little ***** (edit, inappropriate language) as well.

Monty Above the Law

TheGreenBlazer — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 18:36:24 -0000

Despite the fact that Colin Montgomerie is adored by golf fans in Europe, his aloof attitude toward American golf spectators surely hasn't given him a fan-favorite reputation here in the states. Between him and the Simpsons' Mr. Burns, the name "Montgomerie" is regarded with a sort of comedic disdain in the US (although The Blazer appreciates Monty Burns' taste in jackets).

As far as Colin Monty is concerned, his majorless career and unwillingly adopted nicknames such as "Mrs. Doubtfire" seem to have added even more coals to his already red-hot temper. There is one habit that helps Monty neutralize his irritation, however: speeding.
Actually speeding, then using his influence to avoid a ticket, as it seems Monty has crafted his legal hurdling almost masterfully as his lofty fade.

Back in September of '04, Monty was busted driving 96mph near his home in Surrey. The case colapsed after the officer failed to appear in court. Then on February 24, '07, he was caught again (on camera) doing 88 in a 70 zone. This time the case was reported as "not called" after local authorities in Surrey failed to document the incident until after the six month time limitation . . . oops.

Like a round well played with Alastair McLean's help, Monty wasn't able to pull his legal birdies off alone. He enlisted the help of the ever-crafty shyster Nick Freeman. Freeman specializes in using subtle legal technicalities to get celebrity clients off the hook for driving offenses. He's also helped Sir Alex Ferguson and David Beckham get acquitted of driving offenses. Damn, where was this guy when Paris Hilton needed him?

The Blazer wonders, for legendary greens keeper Carl Spackler's sake, can he be of any assistance in golf cart DUIs? Green Blazer Golf

Golf Cart Drunkenness - Bill Murray might have a DUI coming

TheGreenBlazer — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 01:11:26 -0000

Bill Murray, otherwise known as Carl Spackler, was stopped by police Sunday during an evening cruise in his golf cart. After reportedly reeking of alcohol and refusing a breathalyser, police became suspicious. Bill opted for the alternative to the breathalyser, the blood test. The results have not been reported yet, so we'll see if the ol' sober up on the way to the station trick, worked. At the police station in Stockholm, Sweden, station Commander Jan-Olov Lundgren of the described Bill as, "Very calm and friendly. No problem at all." An unregistered golf cart, as opposed to a giant SUV, certainly adds an element of humor to the situation. The pending DUI is unfortunate for Bill, but at least he handled it more gracefully than some other celebrities (hint: William Wallace).

myspace.com/greenblazergolf

Smooth Old-Fashioned Player Suggests Presence of a Ten Man Juice Crew in PGA

TheGreenBlazer — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 16:37:28 -0000

It was bound to happen eventually. After all the talk of steroids in the sporting world, the idea of performance enhancing drugs in golf has finally hit the mainstream. Sure, we've heard a small bit of scuttle here and there in the past, but now the topic has grabbed reporters' attention even more than sexy Sergio pursuing his first major. Gary Player, an ambassador for golf and known rabble-rouser, single-handedly caused this disturbance with his vague yet stern accusations in a recent Live at the Open Championship telecast on the Golf Channel. The network aired Player's statement repeatedly:

"... I know there are golfers, some of them, who are doing whether it's HGH, whether it's creatine, or steroids. I know, I know, for a fact that there are some players that are doing them. I would say in the world tour today, golfers round the world playing tours, I'd say there are ten guys that are taking something."

Ten players? How very round and convenient. Obviously the number is likely an arbitrary estimation based on Gary's senior intuition. The Blazer pretty sure Player's not the Jose Conseco of golf, witnessing uber-ripped twenty-somethings giving each other buttock injections in the locker room before blowing the whistle on the golf channel. No, a more likely scenario is Player has been watching in shock as the game's contemporary heroes' physical stature and distance off the tee has ballooned since the days of wooden- headed drivers and balata balls, and Player is at a loss for an explanation. Who knows, maybe his comments were triggered by all the talk of Tiger's seemingly larger than usual arms at the US Open (The Blazer thinks his shirt just got smaller).

The Blazer also finds it funny that Player haphazardly lumped creatine, the popular over the counter protein supplement, in the mix alongside steroids and human growth hormone (HGH). He may as well have thrown power bars in there while he was at it. You can bet there are plenty of professional golfers who are using creatine, and none of them are breaking any more rules than Little Miss Muffet as she enjoyed her curds and whey protein.

The Blazer isn't the only one who was bothered by Player's irresponsible rambling. Apparently the comments really got fellow South African Ratief's goose as well. "I don't know what Gary was trying to prove," said a visibly flustered Goosen in a recent Golf Channel interview. "... I don't know why he said that. I don't know if he's trying to damage the sport, damage golf or what he was trying to do. Who knows if people are taking drugs. If we want to confirm that, let's do drug testing. You mustn't come and say `oh I know ten guys that are taking it.' He can't say who it is, so he might he well not have said anything."

Ernie Els, another South African, was a great deal subtler in his interview, but ripped Player a bit as well, saying, "He's got to tell us who these players are. I don't believe that taking any kind of a drug is going to help you." Certainly Els must be aware that Gary can't actually name names, yet he acted as if it was common knowledge that Gary did, in fact, have a ten-member golfroid blacklist he was choosing not to reveal. "I believe the game is clean," Els went on to say.

Number one golfer Tiger Woods never said one way or another whether he believed tour players were on the juice, but Tiger (and his instigating bicep) is 100% behind random drug testing. Of course, it's no secret Tiger was inadvertently responsible for the ruckus by bring fitness to the tee box. Let's face it; in the modern sporting world performance enhancing drugs are inexorably linked into the strength element of fitness. But an athlete doesn't go from being Bruce Banner to the Incredible Hulk by simply popping a couple of pills, there's obviously other factors involved.

Which brings us to The Green Blazer's predictions for ten possible steroid using golfers in order of likelihood:

1.Bubba Watson - Sorry Bubba, but you're the longest. And when you're long, you're strong, and therefore down to get the juice-induced friction on by default.
2.John Daly - Long hitting and a history of alcohol abuse; sounds like a rife for a little `roid wrangling.
3.Robert Garrigus - Marijuana is a gateway drug, and Garrigus has admitted to blazing the green "up to ten times a day." Damn, are there any smokeable performance enhancers?
4.Jean Van de Velde - In a last ditch effort to qualify for the British Open and the possibility of redeeming himself at Carnoustie, he turned to steroids (and still didn't qualify).
5.Laura Davis - Even though Player said ten "guys," he must have been including Davis for obvious reasons.
6.Cory Pavin - The shortest hitter on tour actually won last year...hmmm, oddly reminiscent of the 5'8'' Chris Benoit becoming the WWE heavyweight champion.
7.Michelle Wie - Her obsession with competing with the guys may have driven her to steroids (this one might have yet to come true).

Hale Irwin - Maybe with steroids he can win a Champion's Tour event at 70.
Jack Nicklaus - In an attempt to come back and win his seventh green jacket he decided to try and get a boost with the juice.
Phil Mickelson - Saggy man boobs is a possible side effect of HGH.