SB Nation User Blog: Timzilla

Top 10 Facts About Chad That He’s Saving For The Sequel.

Timzilla — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:32:33 -0000

We recently saw the Top 10 Things Chad divulges in his stupid, new book. Well, here are the Top 10 Facts About Chad That He’s Saving For The Sequel.

10. He only dates women named Meme. Or Chad.

9. He once went on a date with himself ... and had a really, really good time. I mean like, it was so cool ... he told himself all about himself, and he really, really listened.

8. He enjoyed telling TJ’s ponytail to respect his “athor-a-tah”.

7. He spent all the money he stole from the team in 2008 for the courage to finally go over the middle.

6. Before love making, he routinely peeks down his pants for a quick plea of, “Child, please?”

5. He knows there’s probably some dumb law against it, but he still plans to pursue himself in marriage, legally.

4. Hard Knocks viewers know he’s clueless about banks; but they don’t know he’s also confused by clothes hangers, holes in donuts, shoestrings, the number “7” ... and why babies are so damned freakishly small.

3. In the hot tub, he and Hushmanzatah would constantly argue over who had the best hands (hmmmm, why do you think TJ left town so fast?)

2. Before death, he intends to implant his own memories into a clone of himself, just to keep alive all those super cool thoughts about him, Chad.

1. He swears “Osi Umenyiora” is French for 85.

Botox, Lipo And An Ass Tuck Gets Bengals To 4-1

Timzilla — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:38:37 -0000

Once upon a time there lived a pretty NFL QB. Pretty arm, pretty release, pretty throws. Oh, and stacked to the max, baby ... with a good OL, good WRs, good RB, good play calling. And a decent Defense, too. Hell, there were happy, shiny people everywhere. It was 2005 and this QB Beauty was 11-3 en route to the Land of Lollipops and Playoffs.

Heck, he was as hot as superduper models Manning and Brady.

Then came The Knee. The Arrests. The Drafts. The Demise. The Apathy. The Elbow. Suddenly Little Miss Sunshine was ugly. I don’t mean your average street-corner ugly. I mean loud hung-over 4 a.m. alarm clock going off ugly. I mean dogbutt pimple ugly. Most bloggers and blog posters told us so – sure he can ring up big numbers, at times, but he can’t lead, he’s not clutch, he can’t move, he’s got no fire, he’s overrated. Oh, and worst of all he chokes. There was even the Carson Palmer Sucks Forum online.

Hot or Not? Not!

"I’ll take Roethlisberger, you get Palmer," they say.

Then, apparently, this ugly two-bagger of a QB got a blast of Botox. Some lipo. And an ass tuck, too. Waalaa, he’s pretty again. Sure, a few of his hallmark stats are down ... but hey, suddenly he CAN lead, he CAN move, he’s GOT fire, he’s NOT overrated. And he DOESN’T choke. There are happy, shiny people everywhere, again. While Goggling ‘Carson Palmer Sucks’ five weeks ago would gotcha about 32,700 results, my guess is that number is frozen, for now.

Since ’06, some have said putting legitimate, law-abiding talent around this one-time QB Starlet will restore the Red Carpet luster—others scuffed. Nay, doesn’t matter they said. Palmer sucks 32,700 times.

Hot or Not? Not! "I’ll take Roethlisberger, you get Palmer," they say. No doubt the four last-minute, game-winning drives had nothing to do with that lame ‘put talent around him’ claim. Must be the Botox. The lipo. And that ass tuck, too.

Totally Random, Stupid Thoughts

Timzilla — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 11:55:20 -0000

Ever wonder, if the Bengals were a person with real human traits who they be? Hey, I wonder that, too. Personally, I think their name would be Bob, who’d always answer, "yes" to his wife’s question, "does this dress make my butt look fat?" Bob would show up drunk to job interviews. And down to his last dollar, Bob would still park in a $500 tow away zone. Yep, Bob’s sorta self-destructive, and it’s his self-destructive nature that’s making it hard (if not impossible) to get a bead on this team. Are they a terminally mistake-prone, under-achieving team that somehow just finds ways to win? Or, are they actually highly talented, but just can’t find their ‘consistency’ gear? Hell, I can’t tell. But 3-1 is 3-1.

Palmer credits seeing The Chadster’s pick gloves for his critical game-tying, fourth-down TD pass—the pass preceding Cleveland’s 10th blocked kick of the day. To make himself even more visible next week, my sources report Chad plans to wear leopard-skin panties, on the outside ... and duct-tape a live beaver to his helmet.

Speaking of Chad. Anyone who’s debated football with me for more than 5 minutes knows my feelings about no. 85 – for all his immense talent, he’d be even better (and better for the team) if not for his profound selfishness. But my wife says I’m being too tough on Mr. Me Me, and that I need to funnel that energy in more positive ways; like household chores. So, today I’m vowing a moratorium on anti-Chad rhetoric, at least until after I paint the house and finish some yard work.

Was interesting watching the OT fourth-and-11 situation. While Lewis’ inner voice said, "go for the tie, girly man" ... his offense was screaming, "... grow a pair, coacher dude!" So, Kudos to Palmer and Whitworth for their impressive lobbying. My sources tell me the offense also talked Lewis out of allowing Andre Smith to take snaps in the wildcat, and running an entire offensive series of shovel passes. Great work, offense.

Final note. My sources also tell me that after the game an angry, despondent Shayne Graham tried calling to harass an ex-girlfriend ... but she blocked to call.

Bengals 15 Minutes of Fame Approach Won’t Work

Timzilla — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 10:44:55 -0000

Yeah, okay, if not for the ol’ Tipsy Doodledooski, the Bengals are 3-0. But to the brutally analytical and terminally skeptical, like me, we’re also just a few false starts, missed blocks, dropped passes and botched on-sides kicks from 0-3. I don’t know if it’s more a commentary on NFL parity, or the Bengals’ Dr. Jeckle and Mr. ‘Go Hide’ for the first 3 quarters approach.

I mean, really, who is this team? ... and where does it hide for the first 45 minutes?

The Bengals have shown all the punchability I thought they would, could—just didn’t expect it to be compressed each week into the last quarter and a half. The question is, why? Why do they look like the Lingerie Bowl for the first 45 minutes, and Billy Jack the last 15? No, make that Billy Jack after a parking ticket—pissed and kickin’ booty.

Irrespective of the Steelers players’ post-game comments, they got their steel-belted butts kicked the last 8 minutes. The beauty of DirecTV Ticket is, ShortCuts, game replays in 30 minutes; so having watched twice now the last drive, it was obvious the Bengals OL slobber-knocked the Pittsburgh D all over the field (kudos to the Bengals strength/conditioning staff). It was a thing of beauty.

But bottom line, the team’s near 3-0 record, and the current 2-1 mark, is a bit cosmetic. If the butterfly had flapped its wings the other way, things could be a lot different.

At last glance, the cheerleaders are cheering for four quarters. The ushers are ushing for four quarters. Even the beer man beers for four quarters (okay, 3). So 2009 Bengals, this week, with this opponent, abandon the Andy Warhol 15 Minutes of Fourth Quarter Fame strategy and show you can conduct 60 minutes of Billy Jack, pissed-off, booty kickin’ business. Until that happens, me and my ilk remain terminally skeptical.

Hey Lance, You Take Extenze, I Get Old Spice

Timzilla — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 10:13:50 -0000

I’ll be honest, these days I’m not the most ravenous of sports media consumers. I find today’s sports blab-o-trons either too painfully and arrogantly uppity (are you listening every ESPN anchor trying to be flippantly funny, or devising the next cool catch phrase to land a TV commercial) ... ... or just too stupid (are you listening the person, or persons, who knowingly and willingly employed someone as intellectually sacked as Warren Sapp) ... any industry hiring that box of rocks (no disrespect intended to boxes or rocks) deserves some kind of swift and heavy-fisted Obama regulatory sanction.

Where’s a Sports Commentator Czar when ya need one!

So I have to be honest, I don’t know a lot about Lance McAlister. Don’t know what he looks like, or sounds like. Hey, maybe he’s “as cool as the other side of the pillow.” Or maybe he rivals Sapp in incoherent, marbles-in-the-mouth, 4-word sentences. Nope, I don’t know Lance McAlister ... don’t know how far up or down the egghead scale he measures. But I do know there was too much wrong with his ‘Ben v. Carson’ comparison to address here.

So allow me to reply to a couple of points:

McAlister says if he’s choosing sides in the backyard today, he'll take Ben ... I get Carson ... and he'll beat me. Hmmmm. Okay, well, does the League’s No. 1 defense come with Ben? How about Pittsburgh’s perennial top-5 run offense? ... do you get that, and I get Cincy’s yearly bottom-third D? And doesn’t Pittsburgh have a 30-year formula for winning ... does McAlister get all that, too? And with Carson, do I get idiot WRs ChadTard and TJ YoYourMomma not participating in OTAs, or the pre-season.

Lance, yeah, you get Ben, but can I have the Rooney family? ... and you get Mikey. Oh, and what about coaches? The list goes on and on ... and on and one. Etc.

Also, apparently, McAlister is “tired of excuses being made for Carson. It's the OL ... it's the running game ... blah, blah, blah. Anyone check out how many times Ben has been sacked last three years? 139 times (46,47,46). Most in the NFL.” While I could produce 10 blog posts on how this comment doesn’t wash, I’ll refrain. Suffice it to say that Roethlisberger and Palmer are very, very different QBs.

Ben is the big, fat Shreky slob of a QB living in a used double-wide. He functions best when the place is knee-deep in beer cans and empty jars of bean dip and cheese whiz. And Ben's place smells like cat urine. That’s how The Beergut rolls.

Palmer’s the perfectionist, preferring a tidier abode ... the prototypical clean pocket passer. Lance, because Beergut Ben is better at scrambling around in chaos doesn’t make him a better QB—it just makes him better at throwing threw beer cans. Okay, let’s leave it like this, Lance, my Jedi instincts tell me the gaps have narrowed between what Palmer and Beergut have around them. If that’s the case, let’s revisit this issue in early January.

In the meantime, you take Extenze and I’ll stick with Old Spice ... I’ll beat you every time.

Lewis, You Don’t Live In Pittsburgh, Baltimore

Timzilla — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 09:44:33 -0000

If there was one repeating theme in the off season it was, "we’re committed to running the ball" this year. Lewis & Co. said it in a variety of ways, but it was the same old repetitive, predictable (sorta like Brat’s play calling) message—the Bengals plan to run the ball this year.

(Funny, I don’t recall the great passing teams ‘committing’ to the run. Any similar quotes from Don Coryell in the ‘80s? ... Don Shula in the ‘90s? ... or Dungy in the ‘00s? Or even Sam Wyche. Man, I drool at the idea of Wyche coaching Palmer. But I digress).

Okay, I understand the benefits of running the ball, especially in the AFC North. I get it. I even understand the demoralizing effect on a defense to get run on. I get it. And ‘Boss Man’ (as ChadTard calls you), as a former coach at Pittsburgh and Baltimore, I encourage you (even beg you) to create our defense in their images; but NOT for crying out loud our offense, too. Jeez-o-pete and willy wonka, Boss Man, don’t you and Brat’run’ski realize Palmer is a once in a lifetime QB, and ten times better than any QB you had in Pittsburgh and Baltimore.

I mean, is it a ‘buy the Pittsburgh defense and get their offense free’ thing?

Look, Boss Man, you don’t HAVE to wait to 3rd and 9 to pass (yes, it is legal to fling it on first down). Oh, and about those rumors it being illegal to pass on consecutive downs ... well, they’re not true. Just rumors. Also, I checked the rule book—teams are permitted to go deep more than once a year. I’m just saying ...

Yes, I realize your beloved 2000 Ravens would never have thrown caution to wind and flung it around on first and second downs. But Palmer can. And your Steelers loved ball control—run, eat clock ... run, eat clock ... run, eat clock. Jeez-o-pete and willy wonka, don’t make Palmer into Neil O’Donnell. Shesh.

Boss Man, would you please get your mind (and play calling) out of Pittsburgh and Baltimore. If you and Brat’run’ski intend to waste Palmer’s talent handing off to your twisted memories of the 2000 Ravens season, then do the humane thing—trade him.

Johnson’s Lost Step, and Mind.

Timzilla — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 11:40:06 -0000

Okay, Mr. Brown you’ve proven your point. No one player is going to dictate how you run this team. Last year’s Chad Johnson saga was all about personal and team principals. We got it. We understood. And most of us agreed with you—for once. But now it’s about winning games for the fans, not winning games of cat and mouse with Johnson and his slimy, grimy agent. This year it’s about winning the Division, not facilitating a division within the team.

So, memo to Mike Brown: Get rid of Chad Johnson. Now! Today! Give Johnson a go route out of town before anyone can even finish reading this meaningless blog post! Because, Mike ... can I call you Mike? ...

Mike, you won. But you lost, too. Yeah, sure, you showed ‘em ... no one player is going to dictate how you run this team. But now it’s way past principal issues. Finally it’s about football, again ... about grading players and generating depth charts, and X’s and O’s. It’s about winning this year, and beyond ... so, c’mon, do you really see Johnson as a lifelong Bengal? If by some insane circumstance you answered ‘yes’ to that question ... another memo to Mike:

There is something deeply wrong with Johnson.

I mean really WRONG with him. I’m not talking about some made-up affliction to sell a new pharma product. Johnson needs help—the kind of help a good QB, running game or position-receiving sidekick can’t provide. As fans we’ve watched Johnson mentally deteriorate over the past few years. When he arrived, he was a 12 year old, emotionally, living in a 23 year old’s body. Today, Johnson functions more at an 8-year-old level.

Yes, The Ocho is getting younger ... in his mind. Maybe someone here knows what physical condition this is. I don’t. For simplicity’s sake, let’s just call it ChildHeimers—when the brain regresses.

If that isn’t reason enough to cut him, how about this. Our ChildHeimerz suffering WR’s better days are behind him, in a lot of ways. Johnson was good for 2 reasons—he was faster off the line than any WR in the game, which meant he achieved separation fast and early, making it difficult for CBs to recover (most never could). And, because the Bengals always had productive running games and an underneath passing attack that gave him lots of room to roam, and catch, and run. But all that’s changed.

It starts with losing an inch in the 40. Then a few inches. Then a foot. Then a whole step. This has nothing to do with Johnson being certifiable. It has everything to do with his birth certificate. I content it’s not only Johnson’s loss of mental faculties taking him toward mediocrity ... it’s his age. And make no mistake, Johnson will never be a Chris Carter or Jerry Rice type, who was as good or better in their late-30s. To do that requires guile, smarts and maturity. Not Childheimers.

Another memo to Mike: Having children in the stands on game day is good for the future of your team. Lining up children at WR isn’t.

From Scourge to Forgotten. Is Chris Perry Moving Down in the World?

Timzilla — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 11:59:31 -0000

I was always told as a kid, Little Timzilla, the day the coaches stop doggy you is the day they don’t care anymore. The same’s true for Chris Perry, I guess.

Once the scourge here and at other blogs (and in the hearts and minds of Bengals fans, too), today he’s the never-mentioned guy (like Barney Frank and Chris Dodd’s roles in the economic crash). When the 2009 Bengals running game is discussed, Perry is seldom if ever mentioned. I’m probably in a camp of one on this, but it was quite notable how quickly Lewis threw the bad-luck Perry under the bus.

Yup, to hear Lewis tell it, it was all Perry’s fault:

“Hey media, we can’t run the ball, and it’s all his fault. He can’t hold onto the ball. His fault. The fact we were too stupid to properly plan for Rudi’s obviously deteriorating skills (even though most fans saw it for the past 2 years), we’re blaming Perry. It’s all his fault.”

Okay, Lewis didn’t say it in those exact words ... but hey, not only can I read, I can read between the lines. Yeah, sure, it was all Perry’s fault.

Look, it was obvious 5 minutes in the last year’s preseason opener that the Bengals offense was Tim Geithnerin jock straps and helmets—they were in way over their heads. So, what did opposing D’s do? Put 8 and 9 in the box and got to the RB (Perry) like water between fingers, or steamrollers over wet asphalt. It was ugly. Remember?

Think about it. Perry hadn’t played in what was essentially 2 years? Didn’t matter ... “hey kid, we know you haven’t played in years, but we just cut our starting RB, and you’re in there! ... so go strap ‘em up! But oh, we forgot to tell you, we can’t block ... we can’t throw ... we can’t coach ... we can’t game plan ... and we can’t draft ... frankly we just weren’t smart enough to plan for dumping Rudi, and we’re a fake NFL team this year. But hey, you go out there and knock ‘em dead ... make us all look good, kid.”

That’s like you and I being in a coma for 18 months, waking up in a fog and having the CEO say, “Welcome back, Bob. Hey, we’re making a big presentation to Spacely Sprockets in 5 mins, so get over to Men’s Warehouse, suit up ... you’re heading up the presentation!””

Yeah, okay, granted .... he had 5 fumbles last year ... but that was 3 more holes that the OL actually opened for him.

Look, running backs that can actually catch the ball are a premium in the League. I don’t just mean those ‘lil swing pass, baby lob ups. I mean guys that can run routes and catch Palmer bullets. I don’t know where Perry’s head is these days—is he focused and determined. Or whiney and pitiful. More importantly, I don’t know where his feet and ankles are.

Having taken a stance of defending Perry, here’s the deal-breaker—Perry’s health. If he has not (or can never) regain the physical skills of ’05, that’s an entirely different story. But he’s still young, and if he can be 90-95%, or better yet, 110%, of the Chris Perry we had in ’05, I say suit, kid.

Personally, I’d like one more Perry encore (but a completely healthy Perry, with a completely healthy Bengals offense).

On NFL Boulevard, We’re The ‘Third Rock’ Family

Timzilla — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:03:30 -0000

Okay, admit it. We’re not like other families living on NFL Boulevard. Our house is the one painted a really weird color. Our yard isn’t quaffed like other houses down the block. Oh yeah, there’s those freaky 2 a.m. noises coming from rooms upstairs. And we can’t forget the creepy uncle who’s coming and going at all hours.

It doesn’t make us bad people. We’re just different. As much as we’re the Bungles, we’re more like the Bundys in shoulder pads. Or the Munsters in cups (minus the hot, blonde niece chick in the C-cup). But we’re probably most like the Third Rock family ... but still can’t tote the rock.

Yep, on NFL Boulevard we’re definitely The Odd Family. But does that mean each year we have to be the odd ones out? No doubt Baltimore had a rockin’ block party last week at the expense of the entire Bengals OL. Damn. The Ravens didn’t even wait until afterwards—they ‘cleaned up’ during the game. But what does it all mean? Can the little boys in stripes regain their manhood Sunday? I’m not sure, but here are 5 reasons to jump off the bandwagon ... and 5 reasons to stay onboard.

5 reason to stay:

1. Often times Game 1 of the Regular Season is actually just Preseason Game 5. Remember a few years back when the Bills started 2-0, including trouncing New England 31-0? Bills fans were scurrying for Super Bowl tix. Buffalo barely won another game that year. The NFL is littered with similar Game 1 and Game 2 faux winner and faux loser stories. Game 1 rarely means anything. So stick with them.

2. The team’s major weakness Sunday (and throughout the Preseason) was obviously the OL. If they’d all taken pregnancy tests after the game, half would see that scary blue line. But unlike the D, who’s sucked for years, the OL has a recent history of actually producing, so this bad spell is merely a fluke. So stick with them.

3. Flat out, no NFL team can be as bad as what the Bengals showed Sunday. While they may not be a Super Bowl contended yet, they’re not a bluebird troop, either. I’d almost rather see them get pummeled like last week than lose legitimately to the Ravens. If they’d lost 42-38, I’d be worried. At least we can possibly write this off as a fluke. So stick with them.

4. The D showed signs of improvement, if not life. Sure, they gave up 909 yards rushing, but it should have been worse considering they were on the field for nearly 12 hours. But at least they seemed to be in the right places at the right times, most of the time. Still too many missed tackles ... but all in all, not a bad performance. A lot of reasons to be encouraged. So stick with them.

5. I’ve said it from day one, all things equal (like healthy bones and hammys), Chris Perry is a better RB than Rudi Johnson. Perry can do far more things, e.g., go between the tackles, run outside ... and catch the ball. Rudi was never the same since coming to camp slimmer. Yes, he was leaner but by no means meaner. He was sadly ineffective being the scat-back Barry Sanders type (less was less, not more). Potentially, if healthy, Perry can be the next closest thing to a Brian Westbrook type. If Perry succeeds, so will the Bengals. So stick with them.

5 reasons to jump off:

1. There’s just too little room for error. We all know this team cannot go 1-3 and expect to make a playoff run (even at 2-2 they’ll be barely hanging on life-support). Because the ‘degree of difficulty’ in the schedule, Game 2 is now essentially a make or break game. Yeeks. Look, Marvin Lewis is no big-game coach. And if it gets as bad as, heaven forbid, 0-4 ... oh crap ... the wheels not only come off, the whole thing crashes before going over a cliff. At O’fer, things probably get so ugly Lewis exits stage left ... early. Hey coach Zimmer, how do you feel about Game 5? So jump off.

2. As mentioned above, Sunday is probably Marvin’s biggest game ever. And he’s not a big-game coach. If you were picking NFL coaches to win That One Big Game, Lewis is probably down where his defenses always rank—near the bottom. The gap between where they are now and where they have to be by Sunday just seems Too Big for Lewis. So jump off.

3. Carson Palmer is one big hit away from getting Dancy Feet—the QB death nail. Palmer likes his Saab-like protection—a safe and quiet ride in the pocket. And for the most part the OL has delivered those features. But as the NFL’s newest crash test dummy, Palmer is just a nose bleed away from being more focused on pass rushers than his no-practice WRs. Palmer is not the Palmer of old. So jump off.

4. Chad “Whatever The Hell His New Friggin Stupid Name Is” Johnson won’t have a good year. That’s bad. Between the shoulder and time wasted in the off-season filing name-change papers with attorneys, doing commercials and trashing Lewis, Brown and teammates (and oh yeah, limping around on a leg than any player who cared about his team would have gotten surgery on), 2008 will most likely be a Busto for Ocho. This team can’t win without a solid No. 1 WR. So jump off.

5. The harsh reality is, this team just isn’t prepared for the season. These days, Football is a year-round sport, and the team’s supposedly most potent weapon, the Palmer-Johnson- Houshmandzadeh connection, is broken because they’ve had no time together. Today’s passing game is all about timing, like a Fred Astaire-Ginger Rogers routine, requiringthe intricacy of a fine-tuned Swish watch. Right now the Palmer-Johnson- Houshmandzadeh connection has all the coordination and timing of a bad “lipstick” joke. So jump off.

I don’t pretend to know the outcome of Sunday’s game ... but if Lewis isn’t preparing like it’s a Super Bowl, then he’d better update the ol’ resume. Hey, I hear Al Bundy’s store needs a shoe salesmen.

Sunday Night, Silent Night

Timzilla — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:40:48 -0000

More than once Monday night I had to double check the TV station. Was it Monday Night Football, Bengals vs. Packers … or a sappy Bridezilla episode? Football or footsies? Smash mouth or kissy face? ESPN announcers and Aaron sittin’ in a tree … K … I … S … S … I … N … G.

With all that embarrassing media slobber and swoon going on, I coulda sworn it Barrack Orodgers under center. Jeez, get a room, dudes. I mean, Orodgers’ numbers were okay … 9-15-117-1-1. He acquitted himself okay, I guess. If you double that, it’s 18-30-234-2-2. Again, okay, but hardly ‘Brett Who’ numbers.

I kept waiting to hear Kornheiser say, “did you see his poise in tossing that pick” … or “what an uncanny ability to misread a blind-side blitz” … and “wow, a perfectly over-thrown sure TD pass”. So, with all that commentator hype and fan adulation, it got me wondering how our prodigal son, The Chad, gets received Sunday.

Will there be ‘We Love Chad’ signs, or just signs of disgust and disapproval?

Despite the national media’s tendency to portray Cincinnati (the city) badly, the community is very fair, and very forgiving, and The Chad no doubt will experience this high-road quality Sunday night. But should he?

Should he get the Barrack Orodgers welcome?

After hearing more stupid, incoherent Chad comments Monday night, a few people came to mind. First, Rain Man. Is it just me or does The Chad sound more and more like Raymond, the Ran Man idiot savant? “I’m an excellent receiver, I’m an excellent receiver … I’m not wearing my underwear.”

I consider myself at least of average intelligence, with at least an average IQ, but I can no longer understand a word The Chad says. His ranting riddles and confusing non sequiturs are way above my head. So maybe it’s just me. Probably is.

And what’s with Chad’s way-too-obvious Eddie Haskell act? The fake, oh-so-polite-and-flattering “Why Mrs. Clever, and Bengals fans, how lovely you’re looking this evening” bull. Chad, we may be dumb but we’re not all stupid … your post-psycho tour sucking up is beneath even you. So stop it.

Yes, sadly, The Chad has become every cute child star who grew into a yucky, icky adult—The Coreys, The Olsen Twins … and Danny Bonaduce. Sure, The Chad’s antics were amusing as a 23-year-old kid rookie. Somewhat. But as a League veteran, it’s just plain creepy and sad, and reflects badly on the team and city.

So how will The Chad be received Sunday?

I can say with the utmost confidence The Chad’s worst night mare is not booos. It’s not jeers. It’s stone-cold silence. Nothing. No acknowledgment that 85 is even there. The Chad most fears Sunday Night, Silent Night. So, if I had ultimate control, for this one game, there’d be no 85 jerseys in the stadium … no pre-game comments shouted his way … and no cheers for any catches made. Nothing. But that’s just me.

More than likely Sunday will be a Barrack Ojohnson night. Lots of slobbering and swooning. And that’s okay, I guess. I was hoping for less.