SB Nation User Blog: Timzilla

On NFL Boulevard, We’re The ‘Third Rock’ Family

Timzilla — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:03:30 -0000

Okay, admit it. We’re not like other families living on NFL Boulevard. Our house is the one painted a really weird color. Our yard isn’t quaffed like other houses down the block. Oh yeah, there’s those freaky 2 a.m. noises coming from rooms upstairs. And we can’t forget the creepy uncle who’s coming and going at all hours.

It doesn’t make us bad people. We’re just different. As much as we’re the Bungles, we’re more like the Bundys in shoulder pads. Or the Munsters in cups (minus the hot, blonde niece chick in the C-cup). But we’re probably most like the Third Rock family ... but still can’t tote the rock.

Yep, on NFL Boulevard we’re definitely The Odd Family. But does that mean each year we have to be the odd ones out? No doubt Baltimore had a rockin’ block party last week at the expense of the entire Bengals OL. Damn. The Ravens didn’t even wait until afterwards—they ‘cleaned up’ during the game. But what does it all mean? Can the little boys in stripes regain their manhood Sunday? I’m not sure, but here are 5 reasons to jump off the bandwagon ... and 5 reasons to stay onboard.

5 reason to stay:

1. Often times Game 1 of the Regular Season is actually just Preseason Game 5. Remember a few years back when the Bills started 2-0, including trouncing New England 31-0? Bills fans were scurrying for Super Bowl tix. Buffalo barely won another game that year. The NFL is littered with similar Game 1 and Game 2 faux winner and faux loser stories. Game 1 rarely means anything. So stick with them.

2. The team’s major weakness Sunday (and throughout the Preseason) was obviously the OL. If they’d all taken pregnancy tests after the game, half would see that scary blue line. But unlike the D, who’s sucked for years, the OL has a recent history of actually producing, so this bad spell is merely a fluke. So stick with them.

3. Flat out, no NFL team can be as bad as what the Bengals showed Sunday. While they may not be a Super Bowl contended yet, they’re not a bluebird troop, either. I’d almost rather see them get pummeled like last week than lose legitimately to the Ravens. If they’d lost 42-38, I’d be worried. At least we can possibly write this off as a fluke. So stick with them.

4. The D showed signs of improvement, if not life. Sure, they gave up 909 yards rushing, but it should have been worse considering they were on the field for nearly 12 hours. But at least they seemed to be in the right places at the right times, most of the time. Still too many missed tackles ... but all in all, not a bad performance. A lot of reasons to be encouraged. So stick with them.

5. I’ve said it from day one, all things equal (like healthy bones and hammys), Chris Perry is a better RB than Rudi Johnson. Perry can do far more things, e.g., go between the tackles, run outside ... and catch the ball. Rudi was never the same since coming to camp slimmer. Yes, he was leaner but by no means meaner. He was sadly ineffective being the scat-back Barry Sanders type (less was less, not more). Potentially, if healthy, Perry can be the next closest thing to a Brian Westbrook type. If Perry succeeds, so will the Bengals. So stick with them.

5 reasons to jump off:

1. There’s just too little room for error. We all know this team cannot go 1-3 and expect to make a playoff run (even at 2-2 they’ll be barely hanging on life-support). Because the ‘degree of difficulty’ in the schedule, Game 2 is now essentially a make or break game. Yeeks. Look, Marvin Lewis is no big-game coach. And if it gets as bad as, heaven forbid, 0-4 ... oh crap ... the wheels not only come off, the whole thing crashes before going over a cliff. At O’fer, things probably get so ugly Lewis exits stage left ... early. Hey coach Zimmer, how do you feel about Game 5? So jump off.

2. As mentioned above, Sunday is probably Marvin’s biggest game ever. And he’s not a big-game coach. If you were picking NFL coaches to win That One Big Game, Lewis is probably down where his defenses always rank—near the bottom. The gap between where they are now and where they have to be by Sunday just seems Too Big for Lewis. So jump off.

3. Carson Palmer is one big hit away from getting Dancy Feet—the QB death nail. Palmer likes his Saab-like protection—a safe and quiet ride in the pocket. And for the most part the OL has delivered those features. But as the NFL’s newest crash test dummy, Palmer is just a nose bleed away from being more focused on pass rushers than his no-practice WRs. Palmer is not the Palmer of old. So jump off.

4. Chad “Whatever The Hell His New Friggin Stupid Name Is” Johnson won’t have a good year. That’s bad. Between the shoulder and time wasted in the off-season filing name-change papers with attorneys, doing commercials and trashing Lewis, Brown and teammates (and oh yeah, limping around on a leg than any player who cared about his team would have gotten surgery on), 2008 will most likely be a Busto for Ocho. This team can’t win without a solid No. 1 WR. So jump off.

5. The harsh reality is, this team just isn’t prepared for the season. These days, Football is a year-round sport, and the team’s supposedly most potent weapon, the Palmer-Johnson- Houshmandzadeh connection, is broken because they’ve had no time together. Today’s passing game is all about timing, like a Fred Astaire-Ginger Rogers routine, requiringthe intricacy of a fine-tuned Swish watch. Right now the Palmer-Johnson- Houshmandzadeh connection has all the coordination and timing of a bad “lipstick” joke. So jump off.

I don’t pretend to know the outcome of Sunday’s game ... but if Lewis isn’t preparing like it’s a Super Bowl, then he’d better update the ol’ resume. Hey, I hear Al Bundy’s store needs a shoe salesmen.

Sunday Night, Silent Night

Timzilla — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:40:48 -0000

More than once Monday night I had to double check the TV station. Was it Monday Night Football, Bengals vs. Packers … or a sappy Bridezilla episode? Football or footsies? Smash mouth or kissy face? ESPN announcers and Aaron sittin’ in a tree … K … I … S … S … I … N … G.

With all that embarrassing media slobber and swoon going on, I coulda sworn it Barrack Orodgers under center. Jeez, get a room, dudes. I mean, Orodgers’ numbers were okay … 9-15-117-1-1. He acquitted himself okay, I guess. If you double that, it’s 18-30-234-2-2. Again, okay, but hardly ‘Brett Who’ numbers.

I kept waiting to hear Kornheiser say, “did you see his poise in tossing that pick” … or “what an uncanny ability to misread a blind-side blitz” … and “wow, a perfectly over-thrown sure TD pass”. So, with all that commentator hype and fan adulation, it got me wondering how our prodigal son, The Chad, gets received Sunday.

Will there be ‘We Love Chad’ signs, or just signs of disgust and disapproval?

Despite the national media’s tendency to portray Cincinnati (the city) badly, the community is very fair, and very forgiving, and The Chad no doubt will experience this high-road quality Sunday night. But should he?

Should he get the Barrack Orodgers welcome?

After hearing more stupid, incoherent Chad comments Monday night, a few people came to mind. First, Rain Man. Is it just me or does The Chad sound more and more like Raymond, the Ran Man idiot savant? “I’m an excellent receiver, I’m an excellent receiver … I’m not wearing my underwear.”

I consider myself at least of average intelligence, with at least an average IQ, but I can no longer understand a word The Chad says. His ranting riddles and confusing non sequiturs are way above my head. So maybe it’s just me. Probably is.

And what’s with Chad’s way-too-obvious Eddie Haskell act? The fake, oh-so-polite-and-flattering “Why Mrs. Clever, and Bengals fans, how lovely you’re looking this evening” bull. Chad, we may be dumb but we’re not all stupid … your post-psycho tour sucking up is beneath even you. So stop it.

Yes, sadly, The Chad has become every cute child star who grew into a yucky, icky adult—The Coreys, The Olsen Twins … and Danny Bonaduce. Sure, The Chad’s antics were amusing as a 23-year-old kid rookie. Somewhat. But as a League veteran, it’s just plain creepy and sad, and reflects badly on the team and city.

So how will The Chad be received Sunday?

I can say with the utmost confidence The Chad’s worst night mare is not booos. It’s not jeers. It’s stone-cold silence. Nothing. No acknowledgment that 85 is even there. The Chad most fears Sunday Night, Silent Night. So, if I had ultimate control, for this one game, there’d be no 85 jerseys in the stadium … no pre-game comments shouted his way … and no cheers for any catches made. Nothing. But that’s just me.

More than likely Sunday will be a Barrack Ojohnson night. Lots of slobbering and swooning. And that’s okay, I guess. I was hoping for less.

Bengals 2008 Success Based On Addition by Subtraction

Timzilla — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 12:19:09 -0000

Training Camp Eve always brings out the win-loss predictors. From what I can gather the Bengals’ tallies range anywhere from 4-12 to 12-4, depending on a particular prognosticator’s football knowledge or homer quotient. Me, personally, I’m not a numbers guy. I don’t predict actual digits; way too many variables ... way too many factors. Plus, there are much better numbers guys than me here and at other blogs who can crunch numbers, do all the math—and make since of players added via the Draft, free agency or trade. But sometimes you gotta look beneath the surface. That’s why Bengals success in ’08 won’t come from what’s been added; it’ll instead come from what’s been subtracted—basically addition by subtraction.

Here’s how I see it: The 2008 Bengals are considerably better because we can ...

Subtract the ‘In Marvin We Trust’ Days. While it’s not quite a Michael Jackson-type plummet, you have to admit Lewis’ star has either totally faded, or at least its fizzle has a high motor. But now it’s more than fans questioning his ability, it’s the NFL Establishment, too. No doubt Saint Marvin, once foolishly mentioned as a successor to Parcels in Dallas, sees his NFL future tanking, just like his teams in late season. If there’s ever a pull-out-all-stops, Hail Mary, go-for-broke of a coaching effort job in his future, it’s now. In fact, the NOW t-shirts speak more to his needed career boost than team success. One more Lewis-like year and Saint Marvin will at best be back on the Coordinator’s junk pile. Look, Lewis does not want to be tagged by the NFL powers for ChadGate, HenryGate, ThurmanGate, ArrestGate, Locker-Room-In-ChaosGate and Sucking DefensesGate. So, this year we’ll see the absolute best Lewis has to offer—not because he wants to bring home a Super Bowl to good ol’ Cincinnati—because he HAS to salvage his post-Bengals career. Prior to last season’s lackluster coaching effort, Saint Marvin could probably have back-peddled into to a decent Defensive Coordinator’s job. But after five straight bottom-feeder defenses, who’d hire him now?

Subtract the ‘Chad Walks on Water’ Days. In two short years we’ve gone from ‘In Marvin We Trust’ to ‘In Chad We Disgust’. And I for one couldn’t be happier. My Jedi instincts say there’s at least 3 huddles-full of Bengals’ players sick of The Chad. Nauseated by The Chad. And have been for years. But like Lewis, the beloved Chad for a time was untouchable. No more. Seeing Moutho Cinco criticized for everything from selfish antics and dropped passes, to running wrong routes and his ‘yawns after catch’ act will inspire team spirit like we haven’t seen in years. Chad exposing Chad has been good for the team.

Subtract the “High Expectations” Days. The test of a real winner is: can you win when people expect you to win—even when they’re all gunning for you? Well, this generation of Bengals has proven they’re not close to that metric. Now, with the expected-to-win monkey off the their backs, the likelihood for success goes up, at least marginally. As strange as it sounds, a team with this many pro-bowlers and potential Hall of Famers can actually sneak up on people in ’08.

Subtract the ‘Bengals Veteran’s Act’ Days. Lewis got one thing right last year—this team got stale (One key part he left out was, it’s his job to ensure that doesn’t happen. But I digress). Let’s be honest, this team’s batch of veterans have not gotten the job done. Bottom line, the Lewis, Palmer, Willie, Chad, T.J., Levi, Rudi, J. Johnson Show hasn’t worked ... so far. Time for some new blood. My Jedi instincts say a few rookies and first- and second-year players will begin supplanting some veterans in both performance and publicity. Also, count on a rook’ to emerge; not a Cris Collinsworth-type burst on the scene craze, but one who’ll have a big-impact season. And look for The Chad’s star and stupid end zone show to further wane, too.

Subtract the ‘Middle Man’ Days. Finally the poorly rated ‘Ahmad in the Middle’ program gets cancelled. Brooks is no middle linebacker. Beast-like physical abilities, yes. Knowledge, football instincts and discipline, no. As much brawn as those great Baltimore defenses have, it’s brains that make it work. Brooks will never get ticketed for brains and instincts. And he’ll never pass a walk-a-straight-line-to-the-ball-carrier test, either.

Subtract ‘High Crimes and Misdemeanors’ and ‘Thug Twins’ Days. Carrying the Thug Twins—Henry and Thurman—for the past 2-3 years was an ill-advised, unnecessary weight on the team. Finally jettisoning the twins will be like a smoker’s lung rejuvenating itself back to health. And if for nothing else, lopping off of those two infected limbs shows the serious players that Brown-Lewis do have their team-disruption limits. Now we can all—including local under-aged girls and innocent by-standers—breathe a little easier. So, despite countless reasons this team could easily land face down in ’08, I am surprisingly optimistic. Very optimistic. But it’s more for what’s not here than what is.

Will ‘Bengals Law’ Lead To A Better NFL Mousetrap?

Timzilla — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 11:37:58 -0000

What next, a Character Combine? Did you hear the tackle from Cal scored a 900 on the Most-Likely-To-Knock-Over-A-Gas-Station drill? And What’s-His-Face from Michigan did pretty well on the Won’t-Slap-His-Girlfriend-Around course.

I guess recent buzz about Bengals rookie defensive tackle Jason Shirley’s court case, and the pending (and repulsive) reinstatement of Pacman got me thinking— our beloved Bengals started all this. Yep, the boys in stripes, who brought an entirely new meaning to team “lineup,” and are the cause of It all.

Shaazam. Gomer, it’s Bengals Law.

Just as Jessica’s Law was passed in Florida to protect children from predators, similarly, Bengals Law was created in Ohio to protect the NFL’s brand image from criminal element called ‘players’. So, rather than being known as the birth place of the West Coast offense—or for the greatest left tackle in NFL history—we’re instead infamous for lawless, as well as winless, football teams.

Does winning at any cost really mean any cost? Literally any cost? Recent Bengals’ Draft years might suggest so. But that’s what happens when Organized Team Activities are replaced by Organized Crime Activities. I read other bloggers’ comments—hey, we shouldn’t expect players to be choir boys. I agree. But I think it’s a quantum leap from demanding choir boy status, to being accepting of drug users, women abusers, fire arms violators and general menaces to society.

But is the NFL at blame for products being sold by colleges? Are colleges at fault for products being sold by high schools? And so on, and so on.

Maybe all this character stuff is just a quality control issue? Look, General Motors buys brake products from a brake OEM (Original Equipment Manufacturer), right? And Dell buys computer processors from a processor OEMs. And the NFL, as a business, gets players from OEMs called families, communities, churches, schools and society in general. So, if the NFL is forced to purchase defective products, who’s to blame? Parents? Players? Teams? Society? Answers to these questions are way too deep and outside the scope of this blog post, but I don’t buy the notion this problem is caused by young people simply having too much money, too soon.

Yes, money can no doubt corrupt and distort a person’s reason. But too much moola doesn’t make a man beat his girlfriend, nor does it compel one to banish and point a loaded gun at others. And it certainly doesn’t justify a former Steelers’ LBs and 4 cohorts attacking a Bengals’ tackle in Las Vegas.

Sorry, that behavior somehow comes pre-programmed.

The NFL is a very powerful global brand, and it does research. Lots and lots of brand research. Goodell’s mission to purge the bad guys is not of his own making—it’s been foisted upon the League by its own brand research results, which no doubt indicates fans don’t like rooting for, or paying to see, gangsters. So, Chris Henry was not only a plague on this team, he’s part of an enormous PR oil spill the NFL brand is now trying to clean up.

Because Henry & Company are no different than tampered-with Tylenol bottles or massive auto recalls, the League has slowly moved into brand crisis gear, for which recent ‘good guy’ ads featuring Vince Young, Brady Quinn and Matt Hasselbeck are the painful result. In case you didn’t know, the NFL wants us to forget Jamal Lewis (cocaine trafficker), Ray Lewis (involved in, or has knowledge of, a double homicide) and Pacman Jones and Henry (one-man crime sprees). The list goes on and on.

Before the Bengals Gang Crime Wave hit, who’d ever heard of “character” being an NFL issue? But now the Drafting Good Character Guys industry is all about supply and demand—all things equal, teams would obviously prefer selecting the good guy over the bad guy. Duh, who wouldn’t? But are there enough good guys to go around? And is it easier (not mention wiser) to expend time and team resources excorercizing whatever demons occupy Henry and Thurman ... or smarter to, via better coaching, improving the skills of reliable, higher-character players (see blueprint for John Lynch)?

Take note NFL (and Bengals), today’s consumer wants it all—great performing cars with better gas mileage, too ... great tasting food that’s healthy, too ... a brighter, longer- burning light bulb that saves energy, too. And I think they want NFL teams that can post winning records, without loading up on players destine for prison records.

Bottom line, the NFL, as a business, has to make some ‘human product’ improvements—but when a Chad Johnson, in defense of his many childish antics, makes statements such as, “hey, at least I don’t get arrested” ... well, it’s a signal this ain’t going to be easy. Nor will it be easy for this organization to shake the ‘Bengals Law’ identity.

Thurman Release Stirs Memories, Questions

Timzilla — Sat, 24 May 2008 10:38:56 -0000

The Bengals are talking NOW. That’s GOOD. I HOPE it works. But what about THEN? The releasing of Odell Thurman back into the wild had blogsters resurrecting the Police Blotter Draft of 2005. But my faded Memory Lane doesn’t include that 11-3 start, Palmer's emergence as a top-tier QB or the promise of a young, versatile Chris Perry.

My rewind to '05 brings back Palmer's knee—and Marvin Lewis' eyes. The moment it was obvious Palmer was lost that day, Lewis sadly seemed to be, too. Yeah, okay, our QB is down ... but hello, we're still in a playoff game here, guys!

When leadership was most needed, it was then back-up QB John Kitna rallying the troops, full of fire—while the head coach stood stunned, as if his house was on fire. (Is it possible Kitna’s fiery leadership was more responsible than Lewis’ coaching for getting the team so quickly from 2-14 to 8-8?)

Lewis’ failed leadership then seemed obvious to me, and upon sharing that observation via blog posts, well, one would have thought I’d spat on Mother Teresa, or worse, had asked Obama a legitimate political question (those were the hardcore “In Marvin We Trust” days).

But this isn’t an anti-Lewis post. It’s a ‘who is the real Bengals’ leader today?’ post.

These Gen Y Bengals seem to be latch key kids with no one in charge. Okay, it can be argued Palmer fills that role and I’ll concede to a point, but he’s the quiet Gary Cooper type ... the “cool guy” ... the “real nice guy” ... “who’s laid back”. As players, Palmer is Hall of Fame talent while Kitna was Hall of Fire temperament, a quality still sorely missed on this team. Another obvious pick is Big Willie, but can an aging OT with eroding skills really be that guy?

So who is “the” team leader? Chad Johnson? No-cho. Not at all-cho. NFL rules state one must be emotionally older than age 10 to lead an NFL team. Chad’s leadership skills go about as far as his yards after catch—pretty much nowhere.

TJ? Maybe, but Houshmandzadeh too often complains publicly about front office moves, and when discussing the team speaks in “they” tense, not “us”. Hugely talented, but “the” leader? Plus, missing all the OTAs takes him out of running. Rudi? Too quiet. How about good guys John Thornton, Reggie Kelly and Kenny Watson? They’re all talented, high-character guys, but the on-field production doesn’t measure up to “the” leader status.

So, where’s our current-day Boomer? Anthony Munoz? Paul Brown? Forrest Gregg? Anyone recalling the 1988 Super Bowl team knows what I mean.

If there’s really such a thing as team chemistry, today’s Bengals are 53 different lab beakers—and no one seems to be mixing the brew. When Kitna moved north, the team’s heart and soul went south. But Lewis’ recent moves are encouraging. Jettisoning the Capone Bros—Chris Henry and Thurman—is a positive step; so after 5 years maybe Lewis is ready for a breakout coaching year, and dare say “the” leadership role.

The Bengals no doubt have enough physical talent, but until someone runs a 4.2 in leadership, the team risks wasting a QB with Hall of Fame skills. Question is, though, who’s the ‘fire’ to Palmer’s ‘ice’. We can only HOPE someone emerges. NOW.