SBNation.com User Blog: Timzilla

Steelers LB LaMarr Woodley’s Controversial Comments Result Of Rare Neuro-Gastro Disease, Says Doctor.

Timzilla — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:56:03 -0000

“Cincinnati is probably going to go into New York and lay down for the Jets,” Steelers linebacker LaMarr Woodley yesterday told a Pittsburgh newspaper.

“The Bengals don’t want to see Pittsburgh in there … they know if we get into the playoffs we’re a dangerous team.”

Because Woodley’s comments have created a firestorm in Cincinnati and around the NFL, we wanted to take a deeper look at the linebacker’s motivations, so teams of college interns were deployed to research the player and his life.

Shockingly, it was learned Woodley suffers from Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia, an often deadly disease brought on by a rare, mutant artery connecting the colon and brain. "LaMarr has the worst case of Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia I've seen since Al Frankin," says Woodley's doctor.

“Basically, in layman’s terms, we call it Sh_t-For-Brains Disease but don’t quote me on that,” said Dr. Donald Donnelstool, a renowned Pittsburgh expert on the city’s rising cases of Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia.

Donnelstool’s other Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia patients include Hines Ward, Tiger Woods and NFL Network’s Rich Eisen.

It’s estimated only 0.0000005 percent worldwide are born with Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia, but strangely nearly 20 percent of people spelling their names LaMarr have it, as well as 50 percent of those living in and around the city of Pittsburgh.

“Yeah, LaMarr’s Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia used to pop up a lot as a kid,” said Woodley’s mother, Bertha Woodley.

“He’d say the local pee wee football champions were afraid to play his team. The champions were good, always went 10-0. LaMarr’s team was mostly 0-10 and never scored any points. And they lost to girls, too,” she added.

An eight-year-old Woodley once said of his Fighing Ducklings pee wee team, “Everybody knows we’re dangerous, once we get into the playoffs no matter how we played this season.” That year the Fighting Ducklings were 0-10, even losing 45-0 to the team’s little cheerleaders.

Woodley’s girlfriend MazzyMay Murdock has seen the player’s condition worsen over the years. “It goes way beyond LaMarr thinking other people are afraid of him and the Steelers,” Murdock admitted. “He’s now crapping his pants in public. It’s so bad that I’m smoking again.”

While to date no Hollywood stars are representing the Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia cause, reportedly The Jackson 4 are under consideration.

“Cincinnati is probably going to go into New York and lay down for the Jets,” Steelers linebacker LaMarr Woodley yesterday told a Pittsburgh newspaper.

“The Bengals don’t want to see Pittsburgh in there … they know if we get into the playoffs we’re a dangerous team.”

Donnelstool’s other Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia patients include Hines Ward, Tiger Woods and NFL Network’s Rich Eisen.

“Yeah, LaMarr’s Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia used to pop up a lot as a kid,” said Woodley’s mother, Bertha Woodley.

While to date no Hollywood stars are representing the Neurogastrodelusionalphrenia cause, reportedly The Jackson 4 are under consideration.

Bengals Can’t Expect Back-To-Back, Skirt-Wearing Performances By Chiefs, Says Counter Intelligence-Master Jack Bauer.

Timzilla — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 12:42:53 -0000

Oddbounces.com News Service - What can we say about the Chiefs run defense that hasn’t already been said. Not much, but I’ll try. Let’s go with—pitifully porous, puny, and a real no-run-defense poopy pants.

In fact, I’m not sure it’s required by law we use the actual word defense in describing KC’s ‘opposite to their offensive’ side of the ball. Last week they were just ‘Slight Interrupters’ to Cleveland’s 834 yards rushing. So, on the ‘Slight Interrupter’s’ side of the ball, Kansas City looks to get another Perkin’s Pancaking today. Right? I mean, the Bengals are the League’s 6th-best move-the-ball-by-the-feet team. Right?

So, if Cleveland amassed 1,012 yards in one game, by the feet, the run-happy Bengals should get 2,000 yards today. Right?

Not so fast.

Let’s call in master counter-intelligence, counter-terrorist expert Jack Bauer.

So, sit down. And shut up. NOW!

The Oddbounces Global Network Of Contacts And Resources Division (OGNOCAR; pronounced OgNoCar) tracked down the all-time world savior, and high school graduate. “Look, even my catatonic ex-girlfriend Audrey knows the Chiefs took an East German-designed plastic explosive with a built-in Murafield-timer hit on its defense last week,” Bauer said from a Chinese prison cell.

“Before going dark, I instructed Bengals OC Bratkowski to have Palmer throw a parameter around that Bengals passing game, and be ready to slap silly those KC DBs like a Saudi suicide bomber.

“And the Bengals better be ready to launch it like a Nigerian-constructed dirty bomb. NOW!” added Bauer.

So there you have it, advice from the greatest counter-intelligence strategist of all time. The Bengals can’t depend on back-to-back, skirt-wearing performances by the Chiefs. If they practiced 40 hours this week, 38 were spent on prepping for the Cincinnati running game.

Don’t get us wrong.

In no way are Jack and I suggesting abandoning the run game. All we’re saying is (Brat listen up … NOW!), don’t try running the ball 110 percent of the time in the first half if the Chiefs are stopping it.

And don’t go into the locker room down or up 7-3 because you ran every play. Listen to Jack … have Palmer throw a parameter around the passing game, and be ready to slap silly those KC DBs like a Saudi suicide bomber.

I say the Bengals go all jiggy on ‘em – 31-10.

So, if Cleveland amassed 1,012 yards in one game, by the feet, the run-happy Bengals should get 2,000 yards today. Right?

Not so fast.

Let’s call in master counter-intelligence, counter-terrorist expert Jack Bauer.

So, sit down. And shut up. NOW!

“And the Bengals better be ready to launch it like a Nigerian-constructed dirty bomb. NOW!” added Bauer.

Don’t get us wrong.

I say the Bengals go all jiggy on ‘em – 31-10.

Kim Kardashian Interview With Carson Palmer’s Alter Ego: Part 1

Timzilla — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 11:00:28 -0000

Oddbounces.com correspondent Kim Kardashian today sat down with the alter ego of Bengals QB Carson Palmer to discuss life, faith, marriage, fatherhood and the Trent Dilferizing of his career. But we’ll skip the life, faith, marriage and fatherhood parts.

Kardashian: First, I want to thank you for talking with Oddbounces.com.

Palmer: Didn’t you get fat?

Kardashian: No. Just a big booty.

Palmer: Get dumped by Romo?

Kardashian: Someday.

Palmer: Hobson, who are these people!

Kardashian: I mean, you're Carson Palmer ... how do you feel about being Trent Dilferized? ... essentially being reduced to a golden-armed, Heisman Trophy-winning version of the most talentless, game-managing QB of all time?

Palmer: I’m Carson’s alter ego, right, so I have to be honest?

Kardashian: Does Marvin say 'and that's a good thing' a lot?

Palmer: Okay, it sucks.

Kardashian: Can you expand upon that?

Palmer: It sucks a lot. And blows.

Kardashian: More?

Palmer: Yeah, okay ... I go into those press conferences, and I tow the running-game line ... and say ‘teamy’ things like, ‘sure I’d like to throw it 50 times, but we’re a running team’ so ...

Kardashian: And ...

Palmer: I want to throw the damn ball ... 50 times! Eveybody knows it ... my butcher knows it ... my neighbor knows it ... my dog knows it ... I want to throw it 50 times, okay!

Kardashian: So handing off to Ced all day, and dumping it off to the backs? ...

Palmer: Yes, I have been Dilferized.

Kardashian: The shorty-ass passes?

Palmer: Dilferized.

Kardashian: The little dunky stuff over the middle?

Palmer: Dilferized.

Kardashian: Some say the passing woes are your fault.

Palmer: Look, Jessica.

Kardashian: It's Kim.

Palmer: We don’t even practice passing any more. Passing drills have been replaced by bowling, playing Limbo and London Bridge Is Falling Down, and titty-twisters on Andre Smith.

Kardashian: So what’s the answer?

Palmer: I’ll tell you, Brittney ...

Kardashian: Kim.

Palmer: Somehow I have to become totally ... completely ... 100 percent ... de-TrentDilferized.

Kardashian: How?

Palmer: First, we must not converse with the Demon Dilfer. Do not challenge the Demon. And do not command the Demon to do anything on our own authority ... make sure we use John Elway’s name and authority. And do not be afraid, and do not get angry or lose your temper, for the Demon Dilfer dwells and gets its energy from our fear, anger and temper. And use the name of John Elway, say "by the blood of Elway" ... and say psalms 93 and 91.

Kardashian: Cool.

Look for next week's Part 2 of Kardashian’s revealing interview with Carson Palmer’s alter ego.

Kardashian: First, I want to thank you for talking with Oddbounces.com.

Palmer: Didn’t you get fat?

Kardashian: No. Just a big booty.

Palmer: Get dumped by Romo?

Kardashian: Someday.

Palmer: Hobson, who are these people!

Palmer: I’m Carson’s alter ego, right, so I have to be honest?

Kardashian: Does Marvin say 'and that's a good thing' a lot?

Palmer: Okay, it sucks.

Kardashian: Can you expand upon that?

Palmer: It sucks a lot. And blows.

Kardashian: More?

Kardashian: And ...

Palmer: I want to throw the damn ball ... 50 times! Eveybody knows it ... my butcher knows it ... my neighbor knows it ... my dog knows it ... I want to throw it 50 times, okay!

Kardashian: So handing off to Ced all day, and dumping it off to the backs? ...

Palmer: Yes, I have been Dilferized.

Kardashian: The shorty-ass passes?

Palmer: Dilferized.

Kardashian: The little dunky stuff over the middle?

Palmer: Dilferized.

Kardashian: Some say the passing woes are your fault.

Palmer: Look, Jessica.

Kardashian: It's Kim.

Palmer: We don’t even practice passing any more. Passing drills have been replaced by bowling, playing Limbo and London Bridge Is Falling Down, and titty-twisters on Andre Smith.

Kardashian: So what’s the answer?

Palmer: I’ll tell you, Brittney ...

Kardashian: Kim.

Palmer: Somehow I have to become totally ... completely ... 100 percent ... de-TrentDilferized.

Kardashian: How?

Kardashian: Cool.

Look for next week's Part 2 of Kardashian’s revealing interview with Carson Palmer’s alter ego.

Bengals Passing Game, Tiger Woods Admit Sex Addictions.

Timzilla — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:35:54 -0000

Oddbounces.com News Service - On the heels of a disgraced Tiger Woods saying he’ll leave the PGA Tour, the Cincinnati Bengals passing game has announced its leaving the NFL.

Obviously embarrassed by recent revelations of multiple indiscretions at a local Motel 6, the Bengals passing game at first denied it was knocked unconscious (with a 2-iron barbell) after backing its SUV into a tackling dummy.

To date, 50 (same as the team’s passing YPG) women have come forward, admitting to sexual encounters with the once-proud Bengals passing game. When pressed by hordes of swarming media, The Bengals Chad Ochocinco came clean.

“It’s true, we’re a sex addict,” said the renegade wide receiver of the team's crippled passing game. “Why do you think I do all that Twittering.”

The Bengals’ defense has apparently known for weeks, maybe months. Linebacker Keith Rivers said, “Everybody knows sex addicts can’t pass.” Second-year defensive tackle Pat Sims added, “We got suspicious during film reviews. Their ‘offensive’ films had really strange soundtracks, and they’d stay locked in stalls for hours. It’s sad.”

Newport’s Debbie Dallas told Oddbounces.com she ended her 4-year affair with the Bengals passing game. “Sure, that passing game was a sexy stud-muffin for awhile, wearing those really tight jeans and Donna Karan silk shirts. But it ended when they stopped going deep. A little shorty passing game doesn’t do it for me.”

The Bengals passing game refused comment.

Oddbounces.com News Service - On the heels of a disgraced Tiger Woods saying he’ll leave the PGA Tour, the Cincinnati Bengals passing game has announced its leaving the NFL.

“It’s true, we’re a sex addict,” said the renegade wide receiver of the team's crippled passing game. “Why do you think I do all that Twittering.”

The Bengals passing game refused comment.

Mutant Frogs, Alien Urine Samples and Bengals on the Fringe.

Timzilla — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 10:42:59 -0000

Because of my much-publicized bedside promise to a dying Brain Piccolo, I rarely watch broadcast or cable TV programming. Enduring old Bill Cowher press conference reruns actually seems more appealing. I mean, come on, how can we legally permit I.Q.-insulting shows like “How I Met Your Mother” to inflict irreparable damage upon millions of unsuspecting innocents. Look at what it’s done to Tiger. And Rich Eisen.

But, I’m admittedly hooked on FOX’s Fringe, a modern-day X-Files chronicling hush-hush fringe science experiments. Why watch that? Because sooner or later we’ll no doubt see a Cincinnati Bengals episode. Hey, there’s my Bengals way up there, top shelf, just to the right of six jarred Kalahari pigmy heads, and Michael Jackson’s vagina.

Go ahead, Google, Yahoo and Bing your brains out … very little if any serious, insightful Bengals coverage. Why? Because to this sad generation of sports germulists, the Bengals are Benson Burners of boiling, bubbling alien urine—not to be written about, talked about or acknowledged in any way.

I mean, here’s playoff-bound Cincinnati, a legitimate Super Bowl contender, going up against the 10-2 Vikings, and the biggest Bengals’ news has been Chad being fined AGAIN for a sideline antic? Hell, even Tom Brady’s little demon-seed got more pub.

So, note to sports media (yes, that’s 90 percent of you frozen Klondike Bars at the NFL Network). First, hire a team of linguistics. They’re not the BINGghouls (you listening, Marshall Faulk ... cuz, hey, Bengals fans could have a field day with YOUR last name). Secondly, we beg of you, stop saying, “brings to the table” and “at the end of the day”. Please? Or we will kill you.

(The above does not apply to pros like Solomon Wilcots, Merrill Hoge, Ron Jaworski.)

Hold the presses. I just received the next Fringe script. Plot: Bengals implanted with mutant Bret Favre stem cells, morph into conjoined Carson Palmer twins, team doubles its passing YPG. Walter wets himself. Peter does a full-body sniff on a slumbering Olivia.

Considering what the BINGghouls bring to the table, at the end of the day—Cincinnati 21, Minnesota 17.

(The above does not apply to pros like Solomon Wilcots, Merrill Hoge, Ron Jaworski.)

Considering what the BINGghouls bring to the table, at the end of the day—Cincinnati 21, Minnesota 17.

Steelers Loss Means Boost to Local Economy, Pittsburgh Officials Say

Timzilla — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:34:43 -0000

December 11, 2009 – As Steelers’ playoff hopes essentially died Thursday in Cleveland, Pittsburgh-area officials were quick to report an expected bump to its local economy, as millions of jobless Steelers fans will soon return to vacated drive-thru jobs.

“Our economy is built around the fast-food drive-thru industry,” said Pittsburgh Chamber of Commerce president Black Lungston. “Each year millions of Steelers fans leave their drive-thru jobs to blog 20 hours a day about the Steelers.”

According to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, nearly 92 percent of all Pittsburgh drive-thru positions have gone unfilled since the first 2009 pre-season game.

Byron Krunk, known on NFL blogs as 2-4-Da-Thumb, and who still owns the blogosphere record for most usage of the word “Bungles” (27,546,712), is already looking to the 2010 season.

“No way I’m going back to Wendy’s,” Krunk said. “No F---ing way. Sure, I had a highly challenging job there, but we can’t give Cincinnati one moment’s peace. They Bungles. Bungles suck, Bungles blow, Bungles bite me, Bungles eat me, Bungles are Bungles!” Krunk spent 12 years as drive-thru trainee at a Pittsburgh-area ButtyBurger.

Pittsburgh resident Spike Turner sees it differently. “Sure, I’m a Steelers fan and hate to see them lose ... but having to park and actually go inside for a burger? Hell no, me and my family just stay home. Oh yeah, Bungles suck, Bungles blow.”

Google Search spokesperson Terri Gradshaw said her company each year must reinforce server capacity due to heavy keyword traffic coming from Pittsburgh zip codes.

“When the Steelers get eliminated,” Gradshaw said, “we start seeing heavy blog use of keywords like Bungles, Bungles suck, Bungles blow, Bungles bite me, Bungles eat me, Bungles are Bungles ... even some ‘Bungles are dumbherds’, but we think they mean ‘dumbheads.’ They’re bad spellers in Pittsburgh.”

When informed of the Steelers loss, the Pittsburgh Fast-Food Drive-Thru Association said, “Bungles suck, Bungles blow, Bungles bite me, Bungles eat me, Bungles are Bungles ... Bungles are dumbherds.

According to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, nearly 92 percent of all Pittsburgh drive-thru positions have gone unfilled since the first 2009 pre-season game.

Byron Krunk, known on NFL blogs as 2-4-Da-Thumb, and who still owns the blogosphere record for most usage of the word “Bungles” (27,546,712), is already looking to the 2010 season.

Google Search spokesperson Terri Gradshaw said her company each year must reinforce server capacity due to heavy keyword traffic coming from Pittsburgh zip codes.

Top 10 Facts About Chad That He’s Saving For The Sequel.

Timzilla — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:32:33 -0000

We recently saw the Top 10 Things Chad divulges in his stupid, new book. Well, here are the Top 10 Facts About Chad That He’s Saving For The Sequel.

10. He only dates women named Meme. Or Chad.

9. He once went on a date with himself ... and had a really, really good time. I mean like, it was so cool ... he told himself all about himself, and he really, really listened.

8. He enjoyed telling TJ’s ponytail to respect his “athor-a-tah”.

7. He spent all the money he stole from the team in 2008 for the courage to finally go over the middle.

6. Before love making, he routinely peeks down his pants for a quick plea of, “Child, please?”

5. He knows there’s probably some dumb law against it, but he still plans to pursue himself in marriage, legally.

4. Hard Knocks viewers know he’s clueless about banks; but they don’t know he’s also confused by clothes hangers, holes in donuts, shoestrings, the number “7” ... and why babies are so damned freakishly small.

3. In the hot tub, he and Hushmanzatah would constantly argue over who had the best hands (hmmmm, why do you think TJ left town so fast?)

2. Before death, he intends to implant his own memories into a clone of himself, just to keep alive all those super cool thoughts about him, Chad.

1. He swears “Osi Umenyiora” is French for 85.

We recently saw the Top 10 Things Chad divulges in his stupid, new book. Well, here are the Top 10 Facts About Chad That He’s Saving For The Sequel.

10. He only dates women named Meme. Or Chad.

9. He once went on a date with himself ... and had a really, really good time. I mean like, it was so cool ... he told himself all about himself, and he really, really listened.

8. He enjoyed telling TJ’s ponytail to respect his “athor-a-tah”.

7. He spent all the money he stole from the team in 2008 for the courage to finally go over the middle.

6. Before love making, he routinely peeks down his pants for a quick plea of, “Child, please?”

5. He knows there’s probably some dumb law against it, but he still plans to pursue himself in marriage, legally.

3. In the hot tub, he and Hushmanzatah would constantly argue over who had the best hands (hmmmm, why do you think TJ left town so fast?)

2. Before death, he intends to implant his own memories into a clone of himself, just to keep alive all those super cool thoughts about him, Chad.

1. He swears “Osi Umenyiora” is French for 85.

Botox, Lipo And An Ass Tuck Gets Bengals To 4-1

Timzilla — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:38:37 -0000

Once upon a time there lived a pretty NFL QB. Pretty arm, pretty release, pretty throws. Oh, and stacked to the max, baby ... with a good OL, good WRs, good RB, good play calling. And a decent Defense, too. Hell, there were happy, shiny people everywhere. It was 2005 and this QB Beauty was 11-3 en route to the Land of Lollipops and Playoffs.

Heck, he was as hot as superduper models Manning and Brady.

Then came The Knee. The Arrests. The Drafts. The Demise. The Apathy. The Elbow. Suddenly Little Miss Sunshine was ugly. I don’t mean your average street-corner ugly. I mean loud hung-over 4 a.m. alarm clock going off ugly. I mean dogbutt pimple ugly. Most bloggers and blog posters told us so – sure he can ring up big numbers, at times, but he can’t lead, he’s not clutch, he can’t move, he’s got no fire, he’s overrated. Oh, and worst of all he chokes. There was even the Carson Palmer Sucks Forum online.

Hot or Not? Not!

"I’ll take Roethlisberger, you get Palmer," they say.

Then, apparently, this ugly two-bagger of a QB got a blast of Botox. Some lipo. And an ass tuck, too. Waalaa, he’s pretty again. Sure, a few of his hallmark stats are down ... but hey, suddenly he CAN lead, he CAN move, he’s GOT fire, he’s NOT overrated. And he DOESN’T choke. There are happy, shiny people everywhere, again. While Goggling ‘Carson Palmer Sucks’ five weeks ago would gotcha about 32,700 results, my guess is that number is frozen, for now.

Since ’06, some have said putting legitimate, law-abiding talent around this one-time QB Starlet will restore the Red Carpet luster—others scuffed. Nay, doesn’t matter they said. Palmer sucks 32,700 times.

Hot or Not? Not! "I’ll take Roethlisberger, you get Palmer," they say. No doubt the four last-minute, game-winning drives had nothing to do with that lame ‘put talent around him’ claim. Must be the Botox. The lipo. And that ass tuck, too.

Heck, he was as hot as superduper models Manning and Brady.

Hot or Not? Not!

"I’ll take Roethlisberger, you get Palmer," they say.

Totally Random, Stupid Thoughts

Timzilla — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 11:55:20 -0000

Ever wonder, if the Bengals were a person with real human traits who they be? Hey, I wonder that, too. Personally, I think their name would be Bob, who’d always answer, "yes" to his wife’s question, "does this dress make my butt look fat?" Bob would show up drunk to job interviews. And down to his last dollar, Bob would still park in a $500 tow away zone. Yep, Bob’s sorta self-destructive, and it’s his self-destructive nature that’s making it hard (if not impossible) to get a bead on this team. Are they a terminally mistake-prone, under-achieving team that somehow just finds ways to win? Or, are they actually highly talented, but just can’t find their ‘consistency’ gear? Hell, I can’t tell. But 3-1 is 3-1.

Palmer credits seeing The Chadster’s pick gloves for his critical game-tying, fourth-down TD pass—the pass preceding Cleveland’s 10th blocked kick of the day. To make himself even more visible next week, my sources report Chad plans to wear leopard-skin panties, on the outside ... and duct-tape a live beaver to his helmet.

Speaking of Chad. Anyone who’s debated football with me for more than 5 minutes knows my feelings about no. 85 – for all his immense talent, he’d be even better (and better for the team) if not for his profound selfishness. But my wife says I’m being too tough on Mr. Me Me, and that I need to funnel that energy in more positive ways; like household chores. So, today I’m vowing a moratorium on anti-Chad rhetoric, at least until after I paint the house and finish some yard work.

Was interesting watching the OT fourth-and-11 situation. While Lewis’ inner voice said, "go for the tie, girly man" ... his offense was screaming, "... grow a pair, coacher dude!" So, Kudos to Palmer and Whitworth for their impressive lobbying. My sources tell me the offense also talked Lewis out of allowing Andre Smith to take snaps in the wildcat, and running an entire offensive series of shovel passes. Great work, offense.

Final note. My sources also tell me that after the game an angry, despondent Shayne Graham tried calling to harass an ex-girlfriend ... but she blocked to call.

Bengals 15 Minutes of Fame Approach Won’t Work

Timzilla — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 10:44:55 -0000

Yeah, okay, if not for the ol’ Tipsy Doodledooski, the Bengals are 3-0. But to the brutally analytical and terminally skeptical, like me, we’re also just a few false starts, missed blocks, dropped passes and botched on-sides kicks from 0-3. I don’t know if it’s more a commentary on NFL parity, or the Bengals’ Dr. Jeckle and Mr. ‘Go Hide’ for the first 3 quarters approach.

I mean, really, who is this team? ... and where does it hide for the first 45 minutes?

The Bengals have shown all the punchability I thought they would, could—just didn’t expect it to be compressed each week into the last quarter and a half. The question is, why? Why do they look like the Lingerie Bowl for the first 45 minutes, and Billy Jack the last 15? No, make that Billy Jack after a parking ticket—pissed and kickin’ booty.

Irrespective of the Steelers players’ post-game comments, they got their steel-belted butts kicked the last 8 minutes. The beauty of DirecTV Ticket is, ShortCuts, game replays in 30 minutes; so having watched twice now the last drive, it was obvious the Bengals OL slobber-knocked the Pittsburgh D all over the field (kudos to the Bengals strength/conditioning staff). It was a thing of beauty.

But bottom line, the team’s near 3-0 record, and the current 2-1 mark, is a bit cosmetic. If the butterfly had flapped its wings the other way, things could be a lot different.

At last glance, the cheerleaders are cheering for four quarters. The ushers are ushing for four quarters. Even the beer man beers for four quarters (okay, 3). So 2009 Bengals, this week, with this opponent, abandon the Andy Warhol 15 Minutes of Fourth Quarter Fame strategy and show you can conduct 60 minutes of Billy Jack, pissed-off, booty kickin’ business. Until that happens, me and my ilk remain terminally skeptical.

I mean, really, who is this team? ... and where does it hide for the first 45 minutes?

But bottom line, the team’s near 3-0 record, and the current 2-1 mark, is a bit cosmetic. If the butterfly had flapped its wings the other way, things could be a lot different.

Hey Lance, You Take Extenze, I Get Old Spice

Timzilla — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 10:13:50 -0000

I’ll be honest, these days I’m not the most ravenous of sports media consumers. I find today’s sports blab-o-trons either too painfully and arrogantly uppity (are you listening every ESPN anchor trying to be flippantly funny, or devising the next cool catch phrase to land a TV commercial) ... ... or just too stupid (are you listening the person, or persons, who knowingly and willingly employed someone as intellectually sacked as Warren Sapp) ... any industry hiring that box of rocks (no disrespect intended to boxes or rocks) deserves some kind of swift and heavy-fisted Obama regulatory sanction.

Where’s a Sports Commentator Czar when ya need one!

So I have to be honest, I don’t know a lot about Lance McAlister. Don’t know what he looks like, or sounds like. Hey, maybe he’s “as cool as the other side of the pillow.” Or maybe he rivals Sapp in incoherent, marbles-in-the-mouth, 4-word sentences. Nope, I don’t know Lance McAlister ... don’t know how far up or down the egghead scale he measures. But I do know there was too much wrong with his ‘Ben v. Carson’ comparison to address here.

So allow me to reply to a couple of points:

McAlister says if he’s choosing sides in the backyard today, he'll take Ben ... I get Carson ... and he'll beat me. Hmmmm. Okay, well, does the League’s No. 1 defense come with Ben? How about Pittsburgh’s perennial top-5 run offense? ... do you get that, and I get Cincy’s yearly bottom-third D? And doesn’t Pittsburgh have a 30-year formula for winning ... does McAlister get all that, too? And with Carson, do I get idiot WRs ChadTard and TJ YoYourMomma not participating in OTAs, or the pre-season.

Lance, yeah, you get Ben, but can I have the Rooney family? ... and you get Mikey. Oh, and what about coaches? The list goes on and on ... and on and one. Etc.

Also, apparently, McAlister is “tired of excuses being made for Carson. It's the OL ... it's the running game ... blah, blah, blah. Anyone check out how many times Ben has been sacked last three years? 139 times (46,47,46). Most in the NFL.” While I could produce 10 blog posts on how this comment doesn’t wash, I’ll refrain. Suffice it to say that Roethlisberger and Palmer are very, very different QBs.

Ben is the big, fat Shreky slob of a QB living in a used double-wide. He functions best when the place is knee-deep in beer cans and empty jars of bean dip and cheese whiz. And Ben's place smells like cat urine. That’s how The Beergut rolls.

Palmer’s the perfectionist, preferring a tidier abode ... the prototypical clean pocket passer. Lance, because Beergut Ben is better at scrambling around in chaos doesn’t make him a better QB—it just makes him better at throwing threw beer cans. Okay, let’s leave it like this, Lance, my Jedi instincts tell me the gaps have narrowed between what Palmer and Beergut have around them. If that’s the case, let’s revisit this issue in early January.

In the meantime, you take Extenze and I’ll stick with Old Spice ... I’ll beat you every time.

Where’s a Sports Commentator Czar when ya need one!

So allow me to reply to a couple of points:

Lance, yeah, you get Ben, but can I have the Rooney family? ... and you get Mikey. Oh, and what about coaches? The list goes on and on ... and on and one. Etc.

In the meantime, you take Extenze and I’ll stick with Old Spice ... I’ll beat you every time.

Lewis, You Don’t Live In Pittsburgh, Baltimore

Timzilla — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 09:44:33 -0000

If there was one repeating theme in the off season it was, "we’re committed to running the ball" this year. Lewis & Co. said it in a variety of ways, but it was the same old repetitive, predictable (sorta like Brat’s play calling) message—the Bengals plan to run the ball this year.

(Funny, I don’t recall the great passing teams ‘committing’ to the run. Any similar quotes from Don Coryell in the ‘80s? ... Don Shula in the ‘90s? ... or Dungy in the ‘00s? Or even Sam Wyche. Man, I drool at the idea of Wyche coaching Palmer. But I digress).

Okay, I understand the benefits of running the ball, especially in the AFC North. I get it. I even understand the demoralizing effect on a defense to get run on. I get it. And ‘Boss Man’ (as ChadTard calls you), as a former coach at Pittsburgh and Baltimore, I encourage you (even beg you) to create our defense in their images; but NOT for crying out loud our offense, too. Jeez-o-pete and willy wonka, Boss Man, don’t you and Brat’run’ski realize Palmer is a once in a lifetime QB, and ten times better than any QB you had in Pittsburgh and Baltimore.

I mean, is it a ‘buy the Pittsburgh defense and get their offense free’ thing?

Look, Boss Man, you don’t HAVE to wait to 3rd and 9 to pass (yes, it is legal to fling it on first down). Oh, and about those rumors it being illegal to pass on consecutive downs ... well, they’re not true. Just rumors. Also, I checked the rule book—teams are permitted to go deep more than once a year. I’m just saying ...

Yes, I realize your beloved 2000 Ravens would never have thrown caution to wind and flung it around on first and second downs. But Palmer can. And your Steelers loved ball control—run, eat clock ... run, eat clock ... run, eat clock. Jeez-o-pete and willy wonka, don’t make Palmer into Neil O’Donnell. Shesh.

Boss Man, would you please get your mind (and play calling) out of Pittsburgh and Baltimore. If you and Brat’run’ski intend to waste Palmer’s talent handing off to your twisted memories of the 2000 Ravens season, then do the humane thing—trade him.

I mean, is it a ‘buy the Pittsburgh defense and get their offense free’ thing?

Johnson’s Lost Step, and Mind.

Timzilla — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 11:40:06 -0000

Okay, Mr. Brown you’ve proven your point. No one player is going to dictate how you run this team. Last year’s Chad Johnson saga was all about personal and team principals. We got it. We understood. And most of us agreed with you—for once. But now it’s about winning games for the fans, not winning games of cat and mouse with Johnson and his slimy, grimy agent. This year it’s about winning the Division, not facilitating a division within the team.

So, memo to Mike Brown: Get rid of Chad Johnson. Now! Today! Give Johnson a go route out of town before anyone can even finish reading this meaningless blog post! Because, Mike ... can I call you Mike? ...

Mike, you won. But you lost, too. Yeah, sure, you showed ‘em ... no one player is going to dictate how you run this team. But now it’s way past principal issues. Finally it’s about football, again ... about grading players and generating depth charts, and X’s and O’s. It’s about winning this year, and beyond ... so, c’mon, do you really see Johnson as a lifelong Bengal? If by some insane circumstance you answered ‘yes’ to that question ... another memo to Mike:

There is something deeply wrong with Johnson.

I mean really WRONG with him. I’m not talking about some made-up affliction to sell a new pharma product. Johnson needs help—the kind of help a good QB, running game or position-receiving sidekick can’t provide. As fans we’ve watched Johnson mentally deteriorate over the past few years. When he arrived, he was a 12 year old, emotionally, living in a 23 year old’s body. Today, Johnson functions more at an 8-year-old level.

Yes, The Ocho is getting younger ... in his mind. Maybe someone here knows what physical condition this is. I don’t. For simplicity’s sake, let’s just call it ChildHeimers—when the brain regresses.

If that isn’t reason enough to cut him, how about this. Our ChildHeimerz suffering WR’s better days are behind him, in a lot of ways. Johnson was good for 2 reasons—he was faster off the line than any WR in the game, which meant he achieved separation fast and early, making it difficult for CBs to recover (most never could). And, because the Bengals always had productive running games and an underneath passing attack that gave him lots of room to roam, and catch, and run. But all that’s changed.

It starts with losing an inch in the 40. Then a few inches. Then a foot. Then a whole step. This has nothing to do with Johnson being certifiable. It has everything to do with his birth certificate. I content it’s not only Johnson’s loss of mental faculties taking him toward mediocrity ... it’s his age. And make no mistake, Johnson will never be a Chris Carter or Jerry Rice type, who was as good or better in their late-30s. To do that requires guile, smarts and maturity. Not Childheimers.

Another memo to Mike: Having children in the stands on game day is good for the future of your team. Lining up children at WR isn’t.

From Scourge to Forgotten. Is Chris Perry Moving Down in the World?

Timzilla — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 11:59:31 -0000

I was always told as a kid, Little Timzilla, the day the coaches stop doggy you is the day they don’t care anymore. The same’s true for Chris Perry, I guess.

Once the scourge here and at other blogs (and in the hearts and minds of Bengals fans, too), today he’s the never-mentioned guy (like Barney Frank and Chris Dodd’s roles in the economic crash). When the 2009 Bengals running game is discussed, Perry is seldom if ever mentioned. I’m probably in a camp of one on this, but it was quite notable how quickly Lewis threw the bad-luck Perry under the bus.

Yup, to hear Lewis tell it, it was all Perry’s fault:

“Hey media, we can’t run the ball, and it’s all his fault. He can’t hold onto the ball. His fault. The fact we were too stupid to properly plan for Rudi’s obviously deteriorating skills (even though most fans saw it for the past 2 years), we’re blaming Perry. It’s all his fault.”

Okay, Lewis didn’t say it in those exact words ... but hey, not only can I read, I can read between the lines. Yeah, sure, it was all Perry’s fault.

Look, it was obvious 5 minutes in the last year’s preseason opener that the Bengals offense was Tim Geithnerin jock straps and helmets—they were in way over their heads. So, what did opposing D’s do? Put 8 and 9 in the box and got to the RB (Perry) like water between fingers, or steamrollers over wet asphalt. It was ugly. Remember?

Think about it. Perry hadn’t played in what was essentially 2 years? Didn’t matter ... “hey kid, we know you haven’t played in years, but we just cut our starting RB, and you’re in there! ... so go strap ‘em up! But oh, we forgot to tell you, we can’t block ... we can’t throw ... we can’t coach ... we can’t game plan ... and we can’t draft ... frankly we just weren’t smart enough to plan for dumping Rudi, and we’re a fake NFL team this year. But hey, you go out there and knock ‘em dead ... make us all look good, kid.”

That’s like you and I being in a coma for 18 months, waking up in a fog and having the CEO say, “Welcome back, Bob. Hey, we’re making a big presentation to Spacely Sprockets in 5 mins, so get over to Men’s Warehouse, suit up ... you’re heading up the presentation!””

Yeah, okay, granted .... he had 5 fumbles last year ... but that was 3 more holes that the OL actually opened for him.

Look, running backs that can actually catch the ball are a premium in the League. I don’t just mean those ‘lil swing pass, baby lob ups. I mean guys that can run routes and catch Palmer bullets. I don’t know where Perry’s head is these days—is he focused and determined. Or whiney and pitiful. More importantly, I don’t know where his feet and ankles are.

Having taken a stance of defending Perry, here’s the deal-breaker—Perry’s health. If he has not (or can never) regain the physical skills of ’05, that’s an entirely different story. But he’s still young, and if he can be 90-95%, or better yet, 110%, of the Chris Perry we had in ’05, I say suit, kid.

Personally, I’d like one more Perry encore (but a completely healthy Perry, with a completely healthy Bengals offense).

On NFL Boulevard, We’re The ‘Third Rock’ Family

Timzilla — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:03:30 -0000

Okay, admit it. We’re not like other families living on NFL Boulevard. Our house is the one painted a really weird color. Our yard isn’t quaffed like other houses down the block. Oh yeah, there’s those freaky 2 a.m. noises coming from rooms upstairs. And we can’t forget the creepy uncle who’s coming and going at all hours.

It doesn’t make us bad people. We’re just different. As much as we’re the Bungles, we’re more like the Bundys in shoulder pads. Or the Munsters in cups (minus the hot, blonde niece chick in the C-cup). But we’re probably most like the Third Rock family ... but still can’t tote the rock.

Yep, on NFL Boulevard we’re definitely The Odd Family. But does that mean each year we have to be the odd ones out? No doubt Baltimore had a rockin’ block party last week at the expense of the entire Bengals OL. Damn. The Ravens didn’t even wait until afterwards—they ‘cleaned up’ during the game. But what does it all mean? Can the little boys in stripes regain their manhood Sunday? I’m not sure, but here are 5 reasons to jump off the bandwagon ... and 5 reasons to stay onboard.

5 reason to stay:

1. Often times Game 1 of the Regular Season is actually just Preseason Game 5. Remember a few years back when the Bills started 2-0, including trouncing New England 31-0? Bills fans were scurrying for Super Bowl tix. Buffalo barely won another game that year. The NFL is littered with similar Game 1 and Game 2 faux winner and faux loser stories. Game 1 rarely means anything. So stick with them.

2. The team’s major weakness Sunday (and throughout the Preseason) was obviously the OL. If they’d all taken pregnancy tests after the game, half would see that scary blue line. But unlike the D, who’s sucked for years, the OL has a recent history of actually producing, so this bad spell is merely a fluke. So stick with them.

3. Flat out, no NFL team can be as bad as what the Bengals showed Sunday. While they may not be a Super Bowl contended yet, they’re not a bluebird troop, either. I’d almost rather see them get pummeled like last week than lose legitimately to the Ravens. If they’d lost 42-38, I’d be worried. At least we can possibly write this off as a fluke. So stick with them.

4. The D showed signs of improvement, if not life. Sure, they gave up 909 yards rushing, but it should have been worse considering they were on the field for nearly 12 hours. But at least they seemed to be in the right places at the right times, most of the time. Still too many missed tackles ... but all in all, not a bad performance. A lot of reasons to be encouraged. So stick with them.

5. I’ve said it from day one, all things equal (like healthy bones and hammys), Chris Perry is a better RB than Rudi Johnson. Perry can do far more things, e.g., go between the tackles, run outside ... and catch the ball. Rudi was never the same since coming to camp slimmer. Yes, he was leaner but by no means meaner. He was sadly ineffective being the scat-back Barry Sanders type (less was less, not more). Potentially, if healthy, Perry can be the next closest thing to a Brian Westbrook type. If Perry succeeds, so will the Bengals. So stick with them.

5 reasons to jump off:

1. There’s just too little room for error. We all know this team cannot go 1-3 and expect to make a playoff run (even at 2-2 they’ll be barely hanging on life-support). Because the ‘degree of difficulty’ in the schedule, Game 2 is now essentially a make or break game. Yeeks. Look, Marvin Lewis is no big-game coach. And if it gets as bad as, heaven forbid, 0-4 ... oh crap ... the wheels not only come off, the whole thing crashes before going over a cliff. At O’fer, things probably get so ugly Lewis exits stage left ... early. Hey coach Zimmer, how do you feel about Game 5? So jump off.

2. As mentioned above, Sunday is probably Marvin’s biggest game ever. And he’s not a big-game coach. If you were picking NFL coaches to win That One Big Game, Lewis is probably down where his defenses always rank—near the bottom. The gap between where they are now and where they have to be by Sunday just seems Too Big for Lewis. So jump off.

3. Carson Palmer is one big hit away from getting Dancy Feet—the QB death nail. Palmer likes his Saab-like protection—a safe and quiet ride in the pocket. And for the most part the OL has delivered those features. But as the NFL’s newest crash test dummy, Palmer is just a nose bleed away from being more focused on pass rushers than his no-practice WRs. Palmer is not the Palmer of old. So jump off.

4. Chad “Whatever The Hell His New Friggin Stupid Name Is” Johnson won’t have a good year. That’s bad. Between the shoulder and time wasted in the off-season filing name-change papers with attorneys, doing commercials and trashing Lewis, Brown and teammates (and oh yeah, limping around on a leg than any player who cared about his team would have gotten surgery on), 2008 will most likely be a Busto for Ocho. This team can’t win without a solid No. 1 WR. So jump off.

5. The harsh reality is, this team just isn’t prepared for the season. These days, Football is a year-round sport, and the team’s supposedly most potent weapon, the Palmer-Johnson- Houshmandzadeh connection, is broken because they’ve had no time together. Today’s passing game is all about timing, like a Fred Astaire-Ginger Rogers routine, requiringthe intricacy of a fine-tuned Swish watch. Right now the Palmer-Johnson- Houshmandzadeh connection has all the coordination and timing of a bad “lipstick” joke. So jump off.

I don’t pretend to know the outcome of Sunday’s game ... but if Lewis isn’t preparing like it’s a Super Bowl, then he’d better update the ol’ resume. Hey, I hear Al Bundy’s store needs a shoe salesmen.

Sunday Night, Silent Night

Timzilla — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:40:48 -0000

More than once Monday night I had to double check the TV station. Was it Monday Night Football, Bengals vs. Packers … or a sappy Bridezilla episode? Football or footsies? Smash mouth or kissy face? ESPN announcers and Aaron sittin’ in a tree … K … I … S … S … I … N … G.

With all that embarrassing media slobber and swoon going on, I coulda sworn it Barrack Orodgers under center. Jeez, get a room, dudes. I mean, Orodgers’ numbers were okay … 9-15-117-1-1. He acquitted himself okay, I guess. If you double that, it’s 18-30-234-2-2. Again, okay, but hardly ‘Brett Who’ numbers.

I kept waiting to hear Kornheiser say, “did you see his poise in tossing that pick” … or “what an uncanny ability to misread a blind-side blitz” … and “wow, a perfectly over-thrown sure TD pass”. So, with all that commentator hype and fan adulation, it got me wondering how our prodigal son, The Chad, gets received Sunday.

Will there be ‘We Love Chad’ signs, or just signs of disgust and disapproval?

Despite the national media’s tendency to portray Cincinnati (the city) badly, the community is very fair, and very forgiving, and The Chad no doubt will experience this high-road quality Sunday night. But should he?

Should he get the Barrack Orodgers welcome?

After hearing more stupid, incoherent Chad comments Monday night, a few people came to mind. First, Rain Man. Is it just me or does The Chad sound more and more like Raymond, the Ran Man idiot savant? “I’m an excellent receiver, I’m an excellent receiver … I’m not wearing my underwear.”

I consider myself at least of average intelligence, with at least an average IQ, but I can no longer understand a word The Chad says. His ranting riddles and confusing non sequiturs are way above my head. So maybe it’s just me. Probably is.

And what’s with Chad’s way-too-obvious Eddie Haskell act? The fake, oh-so-polite-and-flattering “Why Mrs. Clever, and Bengals fans, how lovely you’re looking this evening” bull. Chad, we may be dumb but we’re not all stupid … your post-psycho tour sucking up is beneath even you. So stop it.

Yes, sadly, The Chad has become every cute child star who grew into a yucky, icky adult—The Coreys, The Olsen Twins … and Danny Bonaduce. Sure, The Chad’s antics were amusing as a 23-year-old kid rookie. Somewhat. But as a League veteran, it’s just plain creepy and sad, and reflects badly on the team and city.

So how will The Chad be received Sunday?

I can say with the utmost confidence The Chad’s worst night mare is not booos. It’s not jeers. It’s stone-cold silence. Nothing. No acknowledgment that 85 is even there. The Chad most fears Sunday Night, Silent Night. So, if I had ultimate control, for this one game, there’d be no 85 jerseys in the stadium … no pre-game comments shouted his way … and no cheers for any catches made. Nothing. But that’s just me.

More than likely Sunday will be a Barrack Ojohnson night. Lots of slobbering and swooning. And that’s okay, I guess. I was hoping for less.

Bengals 2008 Success Based On Addition by Subtraction

Timzilla — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 12:19:09 -0000

Training Camp Eve always brings out the win-loss predictors. From what I can gather the Bengals’ tallies range anywhere from 4-12 to 12-4, depending on a particular prognosticator’s football knowledge or homer quotient. Me, personally, I’m not a numbers guy. I don’t predict actual digits; way too many variables ... way too many factors. Plus, there are much better numbers guys than me here and at other blogs who can crunch numbers, do all the math—and make since of players added via the Draft, free agency or trade. But sometimes you gotta look beneath the surface. That’s why Bengals success in ’08 won’t come from what’s been added; it’ll instead come from what’s been subtracted—basically addition by subtraction.

Here’s how I see it: The 2008 Bengals are considerably better because we can ...

Subtract the ‘In Marvin We Trust’ Days. While it’s not quite a Michael Jackson-type plummet, you have to admit Lewis’ star has either totally faded, or at least its fizzle has a high motor. But now it’s more than fans questioning his ability, it’s the NFL Establishment, too. No doubt Saint Marvin, once foolishly mentioned as a successor to Parcels in Dallas, sees his NFL future tanking, just like his teams in late season. If there’s ever a pull-out-all-stops, Hail Mary, go-for-broke of a coaching effort job in his future, it’s now. In fact, the NOW t-shirts speak more to his needed career boost than team success. One more Lewis-like year and Saint Marvin will at best be back on the Coordinator’s junk pile. Look, Lewis does not want to be tagged by the NFL powers for ChadGate, HenryGate, ThurmanGate, ArrestGate, Locker-Room-In-ChaosGate and Sucking DefensesGate. So, this year we’ll see the absolute best Lewis has to offer—not because he wants to bring home a Super Bowl to good ol’ Cincinnati—because he HAS to salvage his post-Bengals career. Prior to last season’s lackluster coaching effort, Saint Marvin could probably have back-peddled into to a decent Defensive Coordinator’s job. But after five straight bottom-feeder defenses, who’d hire him now?

Subtract the ‘Chad Walks on Water’ Days. In two short years we’ve gone from ‘In Marvin We Trust’ to ‘In Chad We Disgust’. And I for one couldn’t be happier. My Jedi instincts say there’s at least 3 huddles-full of Bengals’ players sick of The Chad. Nauseated by The Chad. And have been for years. But like Lewis, the beloved Chad for a time was untouchable. No more. Seeing Moutho Cinco criticized for everything from selfish antics and dropped passes, to running wrong routes and his ‘yawns after catch’ act will inspire team spirit like we haven’t seen in years. Chad exposing Chad has been good for the team.

Subtract the “High Expectations” Days. The test of a real winner is: can you win when people expect you to win—even when they’re all gunning for you? Well, this generation of Bengals has proven they’re not close to that metric. Now, with the expected-to-win monkey off the their backs, the likelihood for success goes up, at least marginally. As strange as it sounds, a team with this many pro-bowlers and potential Hall of Famers can actually sneak up on people in ’08.

Subtract the ‘Bengals Veteran’s Act’ Days. Lewis got one thing right last year—this team got stale (One key part he left out was, it’s his job to ensure that doesn’t happen. But I digress). Let’s be honest, this team’s batch of veterans have not gotten the job done. Bottom line, the Lewis, Palmer, Willie, Chad, T.J., Levi, Rudi, J. Johnson Show hasn’t worked ... so far. Time for some new blood. My Jedi instincts say a few rookies and first- and second-year players will begin supplanting some veterans in both performance and publicity. Also, count on a rook’ to emerge; not a Cris Collinsworth-type burst on the scene craze, but one who’ll have a big-impact season. And look for The Chad’s star and stupid end zone show to further wane, too.

Subtract the ‘Middle Man’ Days. Finally the poorly rated ‘Ahmad in the Middle’ program gets cancelled. Brooks is no middle linebacker. Beast-like physical abilities, yes. Knowledge, football instincts and discipline, no. As much brawn as those great Baltimore defenses have, it’s brains that make it work. Brooks will never get ticketed for brains and instincts. And he’ll never pass a walk-a-straight-line-to-the-ball-carrier test, either.

Subtract ‘High Crimes and Misdemeanors’ and ‘Thug Twins’ Days. Carrying the Thug Twins—Henry and Thurman—for the past 2-3 years was an ill-advised, unnecessary weight on the team. Finally jettisoning the twins will be like a smoker’s lung rejuvenating itself back to health. And if for nothing else, lopping off of those two infected limbs shows the serious players that Brown-Lewis do have their team-disruption limits. Now we can all—including local under-aged girls and innocent by-standers—breathe a little easier. So, despite countless reasons this team could easily land face down in ’08, I am surprisingly optimistic. Very optimistic. But it’s more for what’s not here than what is.

Will ‘Bengals Law’ Lead To A Better NFL Mousetrap?

Timzilla — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 11:37:58 -0000

What next, a Character Combine? Did you hear the tackle from Cal scored a 900 on the Most-Likely-To-Knock-Over-A-Gas-Station drill? And What’s-His-Face from Michigan did pretty well on the Won’t-Slap-His-Girlfriend-Around course.

I guess recent buzz about Bengals rookie defensive tackle Jason Shirley’s court case, and the pending (and repulsive) reinstatement of Pacman got me thinking— our beloved Bengals started all this. Yep, the boys in stripes, who brought an entirely new meaning to team “lineup,” and are the cause of It all.

Shaazam. Gomer, it’s Bengals Law.

Just as Jessica’s Law was passed in Florida to protect children from predators, similarly, Bengals Law was created in Ohio to protect the NFL’s brand image from criminal element called ‘players’. So, rather than being known as the birth place of the West Coast offense—or for the greatest left tackle in NFL history—we’re instead infamous for lawless, as well as winless, football teams.

Does winning at any cost really mean any cost? Literally any cost? Recent Bengals’ Draft years might suggest so. But that’s what happens when Organized Team Activities are replaced by Organized Crime Activities. I read other bloggers’ comments—hey, we shouldn’t expect players to be choir boys. I agree. But I think it’s a quantum leap from demanding choir boy status, to being accepting of drug users, women abusers, fire arms violators and general menaces to society.

But is the NFL at blame for products being sold by colleges? Are colleges at fault for products being sold by high schools? And so on, and so on.

Maybe all this character stuff is just a quality control issue? Look, General Motors buys brake products from a brake OEM (Original Equipment Manufacturer), right? And Dell buys computer processors from a processor OEMs. And the NFL, as a business, gets players from OEMs called families, communities, churches, schools and society in general. So, if the NFL is forced to purchase defective products, who’s to blame? Parents? Players? Teams? Society? Answers to these questions are way too deep and outside the scope of this blog post, but I don’t buy the notion this problem is caused by young people simply having too much money, too soon.

Yes, money can no doubt corrupt and distort a person’s reason. But too much moola doesn’t make a man beat his girlfriend, nor does it compel one to banish and point a loaded gun at others. And it certainly doesn’t justify a former Steelers’ LBs and 4 cohorts attacking a Bengals’ tackle in Las Vegas.

Sorry, that behavior somehow comes pre-programmed.

The NFL is a very powerful global brand, and it does research. Lots and lots of brand research. Goodell’s mission to purge the bad guys is not of his own making—it’s been foisted upon the League by its own brand research results, which no doubt indicates fans don’t like rooting for, or paying to see, gangsters. So, Chris Henry was not only a plague on this team, he’s part of an enormous PR oil spill the NFL brand is now trying to clean up.

Because Henry & Company are no different than tampered-with Tylenol bottles or massive auto recalls, the League has slowly moved into brand crisis gear, for which recent ‘good guy’ ads featuring Vince Young, Brady Quinn and Matt Hasselbeck are the painful result. In case you didn’t know, the NFL wants us to forget Jamal Lewis (cocaine trafficker), Ray Lewis (involved in, or has knowledge of, a double homicide) and Pacman Jones and Henry (one-man crime sprees). The list goes on and on.

Before the Bengals Gang Crime Wave hit, who’d ever heard of “character” being an NFL issue? But now the Drafting Good Character Guys industry is all about supply and demand—all things equal, teams would obviously prefer selecting the good guy over the bad guy. Duh, who wouldn’t? But are there enough good guys to go around? And is it easier (not mention wiser) to expend time and team resources excorercizing whatever demons occupy Henry and Thurman ... or smarter to, via better coaching, improving the skills of reliable, higher-character players (see blueprint for John Lynch)?

Take note NFL (and Bengals), today’s consumer wants it all—great performing cars with better gas mileage, too ... great tasting food that’s healthy, too ... a brighter, longer- burning light bulb that saves energy, too. And I think they want NFL teams that can post winning records, without loading up on players destine for prison records.

Bottom line, the NFL, as a business, has to make some ‘human product’ improvements—but when a Chad Johnson, in defense of his many childish antics, makes statements such as, “hey, at least I don’t get arrested” ... well, it’s a signal this ain’t going to be easy. Nor will it be easy for this organization to shake the ‘Bengals Law’ identity.

Thurman Release Stirs Memories, Questions

Timzilla — Sat, 24 May 2008 10:38:56 -0000

The Bengals are talking NOW. That’s GOOD. I HOPE it works. But what about THEN? The releasing of Odell Thurman back into the wild had blogsters resurrecting the Police Blotter Draft of 2005. But my faded Memory Lane doesn’t include that 11-3 start, Palmer's emergence as a top-tier QB or the promise of a young, versatile Chris Perry.

My rewind to '05 brings back Palmer's knee—and Marvin Lewis' eyes. The moment it was obvious Palmer was lost that day, Lewis sadly seemed to be, too. Yeah, okay, our QB is down ... but hello, we're still in a playoff game here, guys!

When leadership was most needed, it was then back-up QB John Kitna rallying the troops, full of fire—while the head coach stood stunned, as if his house was on fire. (Is it possible Kitna’s fiery leadership was more responsible than Lewis’ coaching for getting the team so quickly from 2-14 to 8-8?)

Lewis’ failed leadership then seemed obvious to me, and upon sharing that observation via blog posts, well, one would have thought I’d spat on Mother Teresa, or worse, had asked Obama a legitimate political question (those were the hardcore “In Marvin We Trust” days).

But this isn’t an anti-Lewis post. It’s a ‘who is the real Bengals’ leader today?’ post.

These Gen Y Bengals seem to be latch key kids with no one in charge. Okay, it can be argued Palmer fills that role and I’ll concede to a point, but he’s the quiet Gary Cooper type ... the “cool guy” ... the “real nice guy” ... “who’s laid back”. As players, Palmer is Hall of Fame talent while Kitna was Hall of Fire temperament, a quality still sorely missed on this team. Another obvious pick is Big Willie, but can an aging OT with eroding skills really be that guy?

So who is “the” team leader? Chad Johnson? No-cho. Not at all-cho. NFL rules state one must be emotionally older than age 10 to lead an NFL team. Chad’s leadership skills go about as far as his yards after catch—pretty much nowhere.

TJ? Maybe, but Houshmandzadeh too often complains publicly about front office moves, and when discussing the team speaks in “they” tense, not “us”. Hugely talented, but “the” leader? Plus, missing all the OTAs takes him out of running. Rudi? Too quiet. How about good guys John Thornton, Reggie Kelly and Kenny Watson? They’re all talented, high-character guys, but the on-field production doesn’t measure up to “the” leader status.

So, where’s our current-day Boomer? Anthony Munoz? Paul Brown? Forrest Gregg? Anyone recalling the 1988 Super Bowl team knows what I mean.

If there’s really such a thing as team chemistry, today’s Bengals are 53 different lab beakers—and no one seems to be mixing the brew. When Kitna moved north, the team’s heart and soul went south. But Lewis’ recent moves are encouraging. Jettisoning the Capone Bros—Chris Henry and Thurman—is a positive step; so after 5 years maybe Lewis is ready for a breakout coaching year, and dare say “the” leadership role.

The Bengals no doubt have enough physical talent, but until someone runs a 4.2 in leadership, the team risks wasting a QB with Hall of Fame skills. Question is, though, who’s the ‘fire’ to Palmer’s ‘ice’. We can only HOPE someone emerges. NOW.

But this isn’t an anti-Lewis post. It’s a ‘who is the real Bengals’ leader today?’ post.

So, where’s our current-day Boomer? Anthony Munoz? Paul Brown? Forrest Gregg? Anyone recalling the 1988 Super Bowl team knows what I mean.