OK, this is the week – and today’s the day, matter of fact, with 6 games on, 5 of ‘em really good, and 2 likely making up two-thirds of this year’s Best Bowl Games triple. After a 7-2 Week 2, the Titov Express is ready to ‘cap this sucker bigtime – you can almost HEAR the confidence in those dice a-rollin’ and those darts a-thwonkin’, cancha?

Bets are straight-up except for the two PAC 12 games, where the spread rules. Get ‘em.

-->Jan. 2:

Houston (12-1) [-7] v. Penn St. (9-3). The only thing that could change this is a kind of Sympathy for Joe Pa vibe, but I think everybody's beyond that now. COUGS.

Ohio St. (6-6) v. Florida (6-6) [-2]. The day’s only clunker. Too bad one of these teams has to win, since neither oughta be here. GATORS.

Nebraska (9-3) v. South Carolina (10-2)[-2.5]. The Cornholers didn’t have that much fun in the Big Dim and the Gamecranks didn’t realize their SEC ambitions either. Grr! COCKS.

Michigan St. (10-3) v. Georgia (10-3) [-3]. The 300 are crappy at bowls and GA, after a 10-straight run, needs to show its conf-champ game drubbing was undeserved. DOGS.

Wisconsin (11-2) v. Oregon (11-2) [-6]. The Wisc OL averages 323 lbs. So what? So the Big Dim loses again, that’s what, as Thomas and James go nuts. ORYGUN wins/beats

Stanford (11-1) v. Oklahoma St. (11-1) [-4]. A real O/U game, as Taylor runs and Luck – with all 3 TEs finally back – goes crazy. But STA is middling-to-weak at CB; Blackmon will kill ‘em. This will likely go 52-49 or sth, SNODFART w/ the beat.

-->Jan. 3

Michigan (10-2) [-3] v. Virginia Tech (11-2). If Tech hadn’t played Clempson, they’d-a had a perfect season. I coulda bought IBM at 15, too. But the Wolferines are, yep, another too-big Big Dim team. TECH.

--> Jan. 4

West Virginia (9-3) v. Clemson (10-3) [-3]. Big East? Nah. But then Clempson kinda slowed down there at the end. This 3 sounds abt right, I think. Anyway, TIGES.

-->Jan. 6

Kansas St. (10-2) v. Arkansas (10-2) [7.5]. This is prolly the OTHER really good bowl game, and a potential orgy for O/U sluts. Oh, and it’s my Big Bowl flyer: K-STATE.

-->Jan. 7

SMU (7-5) v. Pittsburgh (6-6) [-3]. Another R.U. Kidding Me-morial Bowl, about which no one cares a warm turd. Pitt defines BE mediocrity, but SM somehow beat TCU. Okay, SMU.

-->Jan. 8

Arkansas St. (10-2) v. Northern Illinois (10-3). The Sun Belt is pretty Sansabelt in OOC games but the Mid-A has done some bowlin’ this yr. DOGS over Wolfs.

-->Jan. 9

Alabama (11-1) [-1] v. LSU (13-0). Somehow the Déjà Vu All Over Again Bowl counts for the nat’l champeenship this yr – no WONDER they call that title “mythical.” You’ve already seen this Game of the Century (that’s the century that ran 1958-1959 or so: “great defense” by undersized players and an OFF limited to FGs), and this Xerox will prolly be a little dimmer. But hey, what if somebody scores a “touchdown”?!? Okay, BAMA.

Welp, our Week 1 was a weak one, all right, with a measly 3-4 record to show for all the intense analysis and late-into-the-night strategizing – OK, the intense elbow bending and deep-into-the-stein chugging that well-lubricated dart throwers everywhere view as the trademarks of their craft. Or something.

The rest of Dec. features a string of Also-Ran Bowls pitting teams which occasionally soared to the heights of Sort of OK-ness this year before ultimately crapping out, to the disappointment of a select audience of alumni and team members’ families – who now get to observe them one last time, largely undisturbed by the general public, in meaningless TV events. Which are sometimes fun/revealing/instructive/like that.

OK, same deal as before: All bets are straight-up except for PAC 12 games, where the spread rules (and sanity often gets to take a breather). Get ‘em.

--> Dec. 26

UNC v. Missouri: Mizzou

--> Dec. 27

Purdue v. W. Michigan: Broilermakers

NC State v. Louisville: Wolfs

--> Dec. 28

Toledo v. Air Force: TOL

Cal v. TX [-3]: Cal beats

--> Dec. 29

FLA St. v. Notre Dim: Noles

U Dub v. Baylor [-9 ½ ]: Dawgs beat

--> Dec. 30

BYU v. Tulsa: Mormons

Iowa St. v. Rutgers: Cyclamates

Miss. St. v. Wake: Dawgs

Iowa v. Okla.: Okies

--> Dec. 31

TX A&M v. N’Western: Ags

GA Tech [-2 ½] v. Utah: Utes beat

UCLA v. Illinois [-3]: Bruins beat

Cincy v. Vandy: Cats

VA v. Aub: Tiges

It’s that time o’ year again – yes, time for the Moscow Mop-up Man to point out to the sharkskin-suited Vegas lowlifes the dude who REALLY knows a thing or two about college football! And if that guy shows up, I sure hope he drops by my place, ‘cause I don’t know jack about most of these games, and I could really use his advice – I mean I have to fill out the whole damn card.

Anyway, here we go: it’s simple W/L for all games except the critical ones, i.e. those featuring PAC 12 teams. There, of course, the spread counts.

--> DEC. 17:

New Mexico Bowl: Temple 8-4 (5-3) [-7] vs. Wyoming 8-4 (5-2):The known world, incl. 2/3 of the Yahoo bowleroos, think Temple kicks ass here. I disagree, as crap conf. loses to a better one: WYO

Idaho Potato Bowl: Ohio 9-4 (6-2) vs. Utah St. 7-5 (5-2) [-1.5]: Same crap conf [see above] against a team capable of mayhem, which they should produce for a bowl in Idaho, where they’ve certainly played before: UtSt

New Orleans Bowl: San Diego St. 8-4 (4-3) [­-5] vs. LA Lafayette 8-4 (6-2): The frickin’ Dagos have cost me TWICE this yr, but c’mon-- you can’t NOT take ‘em against some Sun Belt almost-somebodies: SDS

--> DEC. 20:

Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl (SPb, FL): Florida Intl. 8-4 (5-3) [-4] vs. Marshall 6-6 (5-3):There are exactly 2 good teams in Conf USA, and neither one is called Marshall. So hold yer nose and take these Sun Belters at home: FIU

--> DEC. 21:

Poinsettia Bowl (San Diego): No.16 TCU 10-2 (7-0) [-10.5] vs. La. Tech 8-4 (6-1): A def no-suspenser, as the Horny Pierres are actually better than 16 and Tech is a lowly Whacky WAC champ: TCU

--> DEC. 22:

MAACO Bowl (Vegas): Arizona St. 6-6 (4-5) vs. No. 8 Boise 11-1 (6-1)[-14]: The only good thing abt this game is the fantasy drooling of certain O/U bettors over the prospect called What if Osweiler gets really hot?-- which he CAN do, o' course. We KNOW Moore is likely to throw 5 or sth against the Scum Devils infamous Dresden Defense; but ASU is a team that clubbed Missouri and $C and played OR tough into the 2nd, most of it on Osweiler’s arm. And it’s Erickson’s last hurrah, which is prolly a Good Thing, but may actually be a hokey inspiration of sorts, too. Still, any way you slice it BO is the pick: they jus’ LOVE to demonstrate their “PAC 12 caliber”: BO beats

--> DEC. 24:

Hawaii Bowl: Nevada 7-5 (5-2) vs. Southern Miss 11-2 (6-2) [-6]: Easiest call o’ the week, as NEV w/o Kaepernick has been just another Whacko Mediocro, while SoMiss is much better than the crap conf it plays in: SoMiss

But then you knew that. What you prolly DIDN'T know was how Moscow kids age 4-10 look at their leadership. I thought you'd never ask...

How Moscow Kids See President Medvedev: A Sampler

--> Who is Medvedev and what is he famous for? / Кто такой Медведев и чем знаменит?

ALISA, age 6: He is our president now. And then he won't be. And then he will be again.

IGOR, 7: Medvedev is the president and he's famous for the fact that they frequently show him on television.

SONYA, 6: Medvedev -- he runs the whole country. He is not Putin's assistant. No, Putin is his assistant. Medvedev keeps track of the whole planet. He has this huge camera so he sees e-e-e-e-e-everything. And if somebody somewhere does something against the rules, he tells Putin about it right away-- and Putin tells somebody else. But nobody hears this because he says it this way [very quiet voice]: "Hi there: do this." But he should say it loudly.

FEDYA, 4: It's a kind of bear.

ANTON, 10: He likes to travel around the country in an airplane and communicate [общаться] with different officials. It's pointless. Everybody knows he's a useless official. I learned that from you, good parents. I think he's color-blind because all the officials go around in black jackets, but he wears a dark blue one.

SERYOZHA, 6: He's Putin.

[From "Мамой клянусь", Большой Город, No. 20 (286) 16 Nov 11, p.18]

UCLA (6-6, PAC 12 S Champs) @ No. 9 Orygun (10-2, PAC 12 N Champs) [-31 1/2].

This starts at 5 am Sat. Moscow time, so with luck I'll see the 2nd half over bkfst. Actually, with luck I'll sleep through it, as by the 3rd q this "game" will prolly look a lot like pro wrestling, or maybe Ultimate Fighting when one guy has a broken leg but has to keep playing b/c of a forfeit clause involving his first born child or sth. Anyway, yeah, the conf's first champeenship is an embarrassment before it starts, what w/ the Bruins getting nipped at the buzzer by $C last wk 50-0 – so long Neuheisel, at last – and OR, having themselves lost to the Rubbers, now in the mood for demonstrating they're no worse at the We Are thing than the goons from Heritage Hall.

A spread like this doesn’t make for rational betting, of course, but what the hey. Last week I got f#cked by the Ducks, who covered EXACTLY; so this wk I’ll take ‘em at their word, all 31.5 of it. I know, I know: it’s ridiculous to bet, in effect, that a conf-div champ can lose by 81.5 aggregate over successive weeks. But I just did it.

Regional Pick o' the Wk: New Mexico (1-10) @ No. 7 Boise (10-1) [-48 ½]

You thought that OR @ 31.5 was a little scary? Try this. And thx, I think I will. For one thing, this is prolly Petersen’s last H game, what with the UCLA job suddenly open—so why not let the dogs loose? Secondly, N Mex has shown some truly awe-inspiring incompetence over long stretches this year, at one pt. getting their pants pulled down to the tune of 195-14 over 4 games. This’ll be their third straight 1-11 yr, btw. So yeah, the dogs REALLY have a place to run.

The answer to your unspoken question – Have you ever bet a 48.5 before? – is Nope. And especially after taking a 31.5, too! I have LOST on a -41 (Snodfart 24 -$C 23 in ‘07), which to my knowledge remains the biggest upset in the hist of NCAA-based wagering; but this isn’t going to be an upset, and prolly SHOULD run over 50 – so I’m takin’ it, even though I loathe Boise. (Do a weather check tomorrow, just in case – y’know, snowstorms happen…). Anyway, get those rubles down and Enjoy!

Yup, Black Friday all right:

Colo @ Utah (-20 ½). What the hell, UT has been bldg momentum and the Flubbaloes could barely pick up the receiver to phone it in last wk. Take the Stormin’ Mormons to beat this spread (and before it goes up to 21, btw).

CO 17-14. [rumble-rumble-rumble…splah-yehh…whooosh: the sound of intense vomiting, with chunky-style results]. How foolish to bet against a bad team that’s lost 23 in a row on the road playing away against a conf-div title contender which has won 4 straight. This is a “Russia result”: a riddle inside a mystery wrapped in an enigmatic burrito, or however that saying goes. Wanna hear the worst? UCLA now “wins” the PAC 12/S. Rumble-rumble-rumble...

Cal @ ASU (-6). The Scum Devils get serious again and cover this 6. The I-can’t-believe-we’re-a-bowl-team-Cal Bears are not really 3 pts worse than Snodfart, it’s more like 33; and about 13 worse than ASU in the desert, as Osweiler throws 350/4 or sth.

Cal 47-38. Um, yeah. This is the Cal team that recently got its lunch handed to it by…UCLA? OK, all right, they have improved, and Maynard has recently shown stunning signs of adequacy. But ASU should be on a collective Suicide Watch after this one: a team that beat Missouri, USC and played OR close into the 2nd half has now lost 4 straight, three of which were in the bag – and Erickson is now, c’mon, absolute toast. Kinda like me in Nov.! Will this f#cking mo. never end?!?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And now for, er, Caucasian Saturday or sth:

OSU @ No. 9 Orygun (-28). Big spread for the Civil War. Too big, in fact: I don’t think OR will cover it. What’s the pt.? They’ll win, and they already know that. Mannion has nothing to lose although little to throw to b/c of injuries; still, Da Beavs can move the ball well enough to stay w/in spread range of a deflated flock o’ Ducks…unless they just quit during garbage time to let the scrubs play or sth.

LA-Lafayette @ Zona (-13 ½): As one guy put it, “The Mildcats go SEC with the schedule.” Yeah, there’ a grain o’ truth to that; but LA-LA is the proverbial good team from a crappy conf—and they’re going to a bowl for the 1st time since 1970. So they could put up 30 or sth (hey, they did @ Okie St). Air Foles will deliver the usual bombload, but the bombardier’s rib contusion from last wk will prolly limit his PT. I say LA-LA beats.

Wazoo @ U Dub (-6 ½) The slumping Dawgs may not actually need to be put to sleep if Price really *is* 100% again – and Polk does his thing. Loebbestael goes for the Coogs, who tend to play Apple Cup games above their level…but still won’t beat this 6.5, y’axe me, ‘cause Sarkisian is smarter than Wulff.

No. 22 Notre Dim @ No. 4 Snodfart (-6 ½). ND is faking it as a ranked team; STA is marginally overrated but several magnitudes better and will cover this. By how much depends on whether they get several people back (i.e. Ertz, Toilolo), so they aren’t’ running a 3-TE OFF w/ 1 TE any more. A rushing revival would help too, but Luck is Luck regardless.

UCLA @ No. 10 SC (-14). A no-suspenser since the Utes shat their pants [see above], but the Rubbers remain motivated: it’s their “bowl game,” it’s the Coliseum, it’s city bragging rights, it’s Barkley’s delusional Heisman Swan Song, yatta-yatta-yatta. So yeah, the Rubbers cover this 14, leaving Neuheisel to find it v. difficult to write a PAC 12-S-winner’s acceptance speech that doesn’t sound embarrassed, ridiculous or both.

Regional Pick o’ the Wick: Tulane @ Hawaii (-16 ½). The Rainbow Warriors shoulda won last wk even w/o Moniz; and while they will win this wk – look, TL is 2-10, 9 straight L’s, no coach – the question is whether Graves can do it by 17 or so. I think he can: kid can throw, and run too, looks like.

U Dub (6-4 / 4-3) [-2] @ OSU (2-8 / 2-5). The Dogs Who Fell to Earth -- after hitting 3 ranked teams in 4 wks – will pick themselves up, dust themselves off and beat this 2 easy in Corn Valley…if Price is cleared to play (and Sarkisian plays him). If not it’s Montana (son of!) and who knows how that’ll go? But hey, with Da Beavs having rushed for 32, 33 and 27 yds in three consecutive losses and Mannion a crap-shoot, would you really change your bet after a no-Price bulletin later today (or Sat. a.m.)? Yeah, me neither.

Utah (6-4 / 3-4) [-3 ½] @ Wazoo (4-6 / 2-5) Criminy, after Halliday’s debut-detonation last wk against ASU (which prolly saved Wulff’s job, which is prolly good), who knows what he’ll put up for an encore—although as one writer aptly put it, he’s “going to find it hard to maintain his 494-yards-per game pace.” Um, yeah. Anyway, Da Utes D will likely do a LOT better than the Scum Devils did, and their O is, well, coming around. Take ‘em to beat the 3.5 in what oughtta be a good game.

Colo (2-9 / 1-6) @ UCLA (5-5 / 4-3) [-10 ½] The hapless Flubbaloes suddenly turned hapful last wk at home, but road-wise guess what: “Colorado's seniors have two more chances to try to win a road game during their career.” Yikes! Meanwhile, if UCLA wins its last two games, it wins the Pac-12 South outright. OK, here’s today’s flyer: UCLA wins but CO beats the 10.5.

SC (8-2 / 5-2) @ Orygun (9-1 / 7-0) [-14 ½] Game o’ the Week, clearly. It’s v. unlikely OR will get another title shot -- even if there are only 1-loss teams left in the end – but maintaining this fantasy for another wk requires not just a W here, but a pretty good beating-the-crap-outta event. Which will happen, sez I, so take the 14.5…even though Barkley makes you (and me) REALLY wish it were 13.5.

Zona (2-8 / 1-7) @ ASU (6-4 / 4-3) [-10 ½]  It’s Territorial Cup time, yawn, and I’m betting the MIN on this contest between unpredictables. Interim Kish has "no idea" why Zona “didn't play hard at Colorado last week,” and neither do I. The Scum Debbils are 5-0 at home and really need to take care o’ business here to have a shot at the Conf S title – so I think they will, but not w/o overcoming considerable airborne resistance from the nothing-to-lose Zorros, who will beat this 10.5 as Foles out-stats Osweiler.

Cal (6-4 / 3-4) @ Snodfart (9-1 / 7-1) [-17 ½]  A monster Down Week on the Farm, with the Nat’l Champ and Rose Bowl fantasies both going poof at the same time last Sat. So this’ll be a real mettle-tester for Luck & Co. against a semi-resurgent and certifiably-bowlified Cal team whose delusions of adequacy may include beating this spread. Don’t bet on it; I ain’t. Even w/o Ertz and Owusu (again), STA has too much firepower for this to be close by the late-3rd/early  4th.

Regional Pick o’ the Wk: Fresno (3-7 / 2-3) @ Hawaii (5-5 / 3-3) [-5]. A Whacky WAC nail-biter between the no-bowl, no-D Dogs, who wisely fired their Def Co-ord this wk, and the shoulda-been-better Rainbow Warriors, who at least have the virtue of being 4-1 at home – so take ‘em here to win/beat. If there was EVER a game for Moniz to throw his arm out, as in 400/5 or sth, this is it.

U Dub @ No. 18 SC (-11 ½)

Under other circumstances (meaning bowl eligibility), this would be a trap game for the Rubbers, w/ OR coming next. But every game’s a bowl from here on for them, and Barkley doubtless wants to keep making his Heisman case as well. The Dub-fense was good vs. OR, but I say SC still covers here. Then they’ll prolly get whomped at Autzen, depending on how angry OR is.

Zona (-10 ½) @ Colo

Utterly meaningless games between big-losing teams can be agonizing to call, and here’s a good case in pt. CO is finally out of its 5-ranked-teams-in-a-row nightmare and playing at home, so they’re gonna be pumped. Sort of. Foles SHOULD go berserk against their matador DEF-- but he shoulda last wk @ home too, and didn’t. Still, on quality athletes and injury-availability, take the Zorros to win/beat here. But not for big rubles, o’ course.

OSU @ Cal (-9 ½)

With net rushing yds below 40 in the last 2 games and Mannion running for his life, da Beavs are threatening to chalk up their worst season since what, some time in the previous century. Meanwhile da Bearsss ran wild last wk (288!) and need this one big-time to bowlify—since they lose the last two pretty much automatically (@ STA and @ ASU). So here they win/beat, sez I.  

UCLA @ Utah (-7)

Hard to believe UCLA will be embowled Nov. 19 when they beat CO, but they will. Back on earth, this wk a taking-off UT performs the same stunt with rather more confidence by beating them -- and prolly by more than this 7 after everything worked so well at Zona. Both are strange teams, but UT covers here as the, um, normaler (and better-coached) one.   

No. 6 Orygun @ No. 2/3 Snodfart (-3 ½)

Possibly a better Game o’ the Century here – but then, almost any good game would look better than last Sat.’s plodding FG festival. To cases: OR finally has the whole varsity back, while STA loses a key TE and their only deep threat -- and they’re still a 3.5 fave? Somebody in Vegas has been into the Kool-Aid. Gotta take OR to beat, though I wouldn’t put it past Luck & Co., after that SC comeback, to pull out a last-min W @ home 48-46 or sth.

ASU (-12) @ Wazoo

It’s still not clear how the Scum Devils managed to lose in the Rose Bowl last wk, but they did, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory three [3 ] times. They almost DESERVE to be visited by the Curse of the Pelouse for that—but Wazoo sucked so across-the-board bad @ Cal last wk that even witchcraft is unlikely to save them now (or Wulff, who’s 8-38 overall, 3-30 conf). So take the Debbils to beat here, salvaging some scraps of dignity.

Regional Pick o’ the Wick: TCU @ No. 5 Boise (-14 ½)

Compared to ’10 this is a “bust” yr for TCU after 2 L’s to pretty good teams. Be nice if the frickin’ Frogs made this contest close, as I can’t abide Boise, but I don’t think they will: this is the Blue Whiners last chance to show the BCS anything, the rest of the way out is by-the-numbers (Dago, WYO, N. Mex). So take Boise to beat here, sigh, as Moore does his gimme-the-Heisman routine again.

The "Game of the Century" Kinda Sucked

By Zachary D. Rymer (Featured Columnist) on November 7, 2011

I know, I know. It's juvenile to say that something "sucks" or that something "sucked." Moreover, this is an expression that has no place in a serious college football discussion (emphasis on "serious").

But let's face it. Saturday night's showdown did suck. It was a game with plenty of great defense, yes, but it also featured more than enough turnovers, missed field goals, bad quarterback play and way too much action in between the 20s.

What we saw was not a football game. It was more like a war of attrition with pads. And even after enhancing the experience with a few beers, I felt completely bored by it. Thankfully, the Oklahoma State vs. Kansas State game was on at the same time, and it was a humdinger.

If these two teams met up again, my fear is that we would get more of the same.

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This was the most boring "game of the century" I have ever watched. .... NO team should be ranked #1 or #2 that has such a lousy kicking game. ...

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What a football game!

pennstate.247sports.com › Boards › Unconquered

12 hours ago – Top-ranked LSU's 9-6 overtime win against No. 2 Alabama Saturday evening wasn't the game of the century, decade or season. ... I turned it off...it was a horrible game. ... I love a good defensive game but this game was lousy. .... The game was boring and reminded me of Big 10 football of the 60's-70's. ...

Continue reading this post »

After breaking the bank in Vegas last month (at 21-12 ATS), I’m understandably psyched for Nov.-- which shows ya just how stoopidly encouraging (not to say addictive) this “hobby” actually is. OK boys, let her rip:

No. 21 SC (-21 ½) @ Colo

SC played hard (‘n’ dirty) losing to STA and are looking at a letdown wk – but the good news is they get Colo, whose ear is pathetically primed for reaming in a 5th straight loss to a ranked team. The talent-level split here would seem to make 21.5 a modest spread – and I’ll take the Rubbers to cover that, pls – but NB: SC could also go into a funk and scrape through this by 10 or sth. And then whine about the officiating, of course.

No. 4 Snodfart (-21) @ OSU

STA loses Owusu and Ertz, both important cogs, and this is not just a Trap Game – it’s a rare Double Trap, between a huge W and an even huger next game (Orygun in PA). So this spread, even against the hapless Punkins, isn’t that big. I’ll take STA at 21, yeah, but Mannion going berserk again in Corn Valley is a real concern. Make this a modest-to-big stake, not a huge one.

Wazoo @ Cal (-9 ½ )

Do I have to bet this? Waddaya mean “league rule”? Sh#t. OK, here goes: Cal has *no* credible OFF – but *does* play 2 notches better at (semi-)home than away, so this 9.5 isn’t as ludicrous as, say, starting Maynard again at QB suggests. Lobbestael is back for good for Wazoo, apparently, and they showed well at Autzen – why not here? Gimme the Coogs beating the 9.5, even if Cal finds some way to claw out a W for marginal-bowl-track-believability.

Utah @ Zona (-3 ½)

Welp, the Utes get a taste of Desert Storm here, and I don’t think they’re gonna like it much. Yeah, OK, they looked a lot better beating a self-prostrated OSU, but c’mon – who’s gonna show up, the good Utes or the bad ones? You KNOW who’s gonna be there for Zona and what it’s gonna take: rush for 80-90 and Foles bombs da Utes back to the late Pleistocene era. Take the Zorros to beat.

No. 19/20 ASU (-9 ½) @ UCLA

The Scum Devils kicked some Colo ass last wk and are acting like they want to do some more in Pasadena, which shouldn’t be that much trouble: Osweiler is gonna keep throwing and Prince is unlikely to run for another 163—this ain’t Cal...Gimme ASU here, and put a big chunk down – this could get ugly fast, despite the Debbils traditional (and inexplicable) aversion to playing in SoCal.

No. 8/6 Orygun (-16) @ U Dub

This should be a good game, and one in which the OR “Varsity” makes its case for a Serious Bowl – before having to get even seriouser the next week in Palo Alto. So yeah, it’s *sort of* a Trap Game for OR—but don’t believe it for spread purposes, since they should beat this 16 comfortably by the 4th, despite the best efforts of Price and a pretty good, already-embowled Dogs team.

--> Regional Pick o’ the Wick: Utah St. @ Hawaii (-3 ½)

Two very unpredictable teams could make for another WAC-o-Whacko of a game in the Islands, where the Rainbow Warriors are always much tougher – and will beat this 3.5 against the ramblin’ Rams, who’ve never really recovered, it seems, from beating up AUB then giving the game away. Hope they get some beach time, at least.

Wazoo @ No. 7 Orygun [-35]

Why exactly this spread has been *shortening* is mysterious, since the OR “JV” won by 43 last wk-- and could presumably do so again, if necessary, against a Wazoo squad that is all too comparable, at this pt., to Colo. They’ll start Lobbestael, apparently, but so what? I’d be stunned by an OR W @ less than 30; take ‘em at 35.

Colo @ No. 23 ASU [-31]

The Flubbaloes are understandably shellshocked 3 games into their 5 in a row against ranked teams, and they’re not gonna have much fun in the desert, where Osweiler may throw 5. In the 1st half. The Scum Devils showed some fight @ OR, and could (should, actually) run the table from here on out and qualify for a pretty good bowl. Take ‘em at 31, sure.

Cal [-5] @ UCLA

If Cal is serious about a bowl, they gotta have this –  plus Wazoo and the Punkins – ‘cause they’re losing their last two regardless (@ ASU and STA). UCLA continues to wind down (or self-destruct— 4 receivers suspended); I’m not convinced the players are interested in saving Neuheisel (I hope not), so take Cal, despite their crappy OFF, at 5.

OSU @ Utah [-5]

Da Beavs historically get better toward the end of the season, and last wk could’ve been a sign of that. Mannion, in any case, found his sea legs for sure (376/4). But UT would sure like to win its 1st conf game, y’know…which they MIGHT do, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Take the Punkins to beat this 5, strange as it prolly seems. Hell, they might even win.

No. 4 Snodfart [-7 ½] at SC

STA has seldom had away-problems playing in the Coliseum in recent yrs, and I don’t think they will here, DEF injuries aside, as this is their chance – now that SC is ranked – to make their BCS case serious. I can see Barkley getting 3 or sth, and a 75-pt game is a real possibility. But take STA and the 7.5. 

Zona @ U Dub [-4]

This spread has also shrunk, no doubt as people thought more about the 446 rushing U Dub gave up last wk: look, all Foles needs is 80 or 90 and he’ll throw his brains out on ya. In the end I think Dub will win here and cover the 4 – but I kinda wish it were a 3-spread. Or 2.  

Regional Pick o’ the Wick: BYU @ TCU [-13 ½]

Welp, Les Horny Grenouilles did right by me last wk, so I’m gonna trust ‘em again – this time in a real game. Which is kind of a leap of faith (heh-heh) since Da Morms are not a bad team… esp. when all you’re asking them to do is stay w/in 2 TDs of somebody. But I think TC is having seriously un-Christian thoughts after last wk’s mass murder, so I’m gonna take ‘em here to win/beat.

Having apparently awed (or bludgeoned) doubting Thomases daveh873  and Gamecock24 into silence on Mon., we return to the noble business of making tuition $ for the needy, starting with yourself. And yes, our 13-6 October just *might* get even better, he said, eyes widening and salivary glands pumping furiously at a couple of the following...

*UCLA @ Zona [-4]*

How funny is NCAA fb? A 1-5 team can be a fave in Week 8 – and it makes sense. UCLA is a bumbling mess of low-end mediocrity coached by an enthusiastic incompetent; Zona has just gotten RID of its coach, who was theoretically competent but stopped winning. This is a classic Rally Round the New Coach game: watch Air Foles do a Desert Storm for 4 through the evening haze as Zona beats -- and helps (please!) put Neuheisel out of our misery.

*No. 9/10 Orygun [-30 ½] @ Colo*

How good – or how deep, anyway – this yr’s Orygun model is may be examined this time around as two heart-o’-the-O players, James and Thomas, may or may not appear/perform @ speed. Frankly, Thomas means a lot more spread-wise, so check his status this a.m. if you can. If it looks like he WILL go, take the 30.5. Sure, they might get it it w/o him (I’m down regardless) but hey, if you can wait longer…

*Utah @ Cal [-3]*

Two identically frustrated and frustrating teams – both 3-3/0-3 – are gonna fight it out for a better shot at some Mediocrity Bowl berth 8 or 9 wks from now. I sorta like (not love) UT to beat here, if only for their good DEF show last wk @ Pitt. Cal meanwhile is on a nice losing roll at 3 straight, and could wake up all angry about it. But I ain’t betting on that.

*USC @ Notre Dim [- 8 ½]*

This spread reflects one of the Iron Laws of Handicapping -- “Notre Dame at Home” – but I’ve seen too many exceptions prove that rule, thx. All right, no, I’m not HAPPY taking the Rubbers to beat here, what with their consistent inability to play an entire game this season. But still, Barkley is going to put up enough to keep this under 8.5, which I’m willing to attest with via some pretty sizable rubles.

*No. 22/25 U Dub @ No.7/8 Snodfart [-21]*

STA finally gets to play a ranked team – and my sense of it is they’re gonna take a big, whomping advantage of the situation and run the score up…if they can. This won’t be easy, as Luck & Co. are often 2nd-half starters, whereas Price can put 4 x 6 on you in the 1st half – and the STA sans-Skov secondary is the most suspect element of this tantalizingly almost-but-not-quite “complete team.” So I’m taking Luck to beat, watching between my fingers and betting…responsibly.

*OSU @ Wazoo [-3]*

Maybe Tuel will get back on track this wk after having his lunch handed to him by the Snodfart Thunder Chicken D last Sat. Lobbestael could do the job here, y’know, so if there’s any doubt…The point is, Coogs, pick one or the other and go w/ him—don’t frickin’ “rotate.” The Punkins really suck – except at underexploiting their player talent –  so if you’d just choose who’s gonna be Your Guy, he’ll beat ‘em (and this 3).

Regional Pick o’ the Wick: *N. Mex @ TCU [-41]*

And under the heading of potential Stoopidest Bet o’ the Week, we have one of those scary Monster Spread things that nobody in his right mind would put a lot o’ dough on, with the possible exceptions of people who (a) saw Snodfart beat -41 SC at the Coliseum in ’07 and (b) have reached the death-wish/don’t-care level of, say, Jesse Pinkman. Anyway, I’m sayin’ the hapless Lobos remain unhapped and Les Horny Frenchmen cover. Deal with it.

SC (-3) @ Cal:

Everybody likes SC here, and so do I. Barkley is hot, Maynard is not – I liked one guy’s note that he had “accuracy issues” – and this is only a semi-home game for Cal anyway (at AT&T/SF). The Rubbers aren’t a great team, but they oughtta cover easily enough here.

Utah @ Pitt [-7]:

This wk’s mystery game. Pitt has one good win (SF) and y’know what? That’s all UT has by Wk 7 too (@ BYU). The rest of their seasons have been close losses and stunning mediocrities, respectively, so this game is basically the Scratching Toward Eligibility Bowl. Take UT to beat, I guess, but Please Bet Responsibly.

Colo @ U Dub [-14 ½]:

Yeah, OK, CO is prolly a lot better than most 1-5 teams – and has better than 1-5 talent for sure. But they’re gonna lose this & the next two (OR, @ AS) regardless. Here Price is gonna throw 3 or 4, anyway, and Dub covers going away. Fasten seat belts.

BYU at OSU [-2 ½]:

How do you win one game and become a favorite against a winning team in Week 7? Leave it to the Beavs, who can lose to anybody at home and will here, what with no discernible running game or QB. Da Morms have been unimpressive several times, but they’re up to beating this.

No. 18/20 ASU @ No. 9 Orygun [-16]:

On paper the marquee Game o’ the Wk, but it won’t be that close. The Scum Devils are deluding themselves if they think Osweiler is gonna go nuts in Autzen; he’ll do OK, and they won’t turn it over 7 times again (like last year), but OR is still gonna be OR. After some nice desert-rat scuffling, by midway in the 4th the spread’ll be covered for good.

No. 5/7 Snodfart [-21] @ Wazoo:

Wanna hear a nice line? “This is a chance for the Cougars to show their pluck.” Ahahaha. Pluck you. And the Curse of the Palouse too. After doubting STA on the cover last time, I say they’ll make it here – even after Lobbestael gets his 3 or 4 – in what may be the highest scoring conf game of the yr. No, I don’t bet over/under. But if I did…

Regional Peek o’ the Week: Hawaii [-6] @ San Jose:

HA is ready to hit this season’s take-off point – and SJS is a good place to do it, esp. w/o Rutley, the sort-of-OK RB who may not play. But I like HA here regardless, so get a couple good sacks o’ rubles down on this mismatch.

 If 4-2 worked last time, how about the same again? Or maybe 5-1?

      Cal @ No. 9 Orygun [-23 ½]

Gee, these teams have identical records, overall and conf; and last yr’s game @ Berk was a remarkably low-scoring slugfest (15-13!). So maybe this spread is exaggerated. Well, maybe I’m the King of France, too. I still don’t trust Cal’s road OFF, so take OU at 23.5.

Zona [-1] @ OSU

Wow, how can a 1-4 team be a road fave in wk 6, you might ask. Which means you haven’t been watching O-State a lot, now have you? They are winless, and have a pretty good chance of running the table. In fact, this Zona game may be their last “good” chance to win a game this year. If somebody from the desert runs for 70, Foles will make sure it doesn’t happen this wk. I like this bet!

No. 22/24 ASU [-4] @ Utah

Erm, kinda nervous on this one, as the Scum Devils haven’t won away this yr and UT is a schizzo 2-2. I wish the spread here were 1 or 2, but what the heck: take Osweiler and the 4 for the W. With a very modest investment.

Colo @ No. 7/4 Snodfart [-29 ½]

I’m not nuts about the size o’ this spread – not b/c STA can’t put up enough pts (they can) but b/c their DEF is relatively suspect. This is a Sure Thing W, of course, but I’ll say at 21-28. I like Luck throwing 3 or 4 and sitting in the 4th, during which the margin shrinks.

Wazoo @ UCLA [-3 ½]

Winning last wk @ CO was a Good Thing for the WSU prog, and winning one in the RB will be even better. Take ‘em to beat in any case, as Neuheisel looks increasingly lost out there and may be sizing up another NFL asst job as we speak.

Regional Pick o’ the Wk: No. 5/6 Boise [-20 ½] @ Fresno

Boise hasn’t been number crunching this yr as in the past, but then the 2-win Dawgs haven’t beaten a real team to date, either. They *could* Man Up and challenge this 20.5 at home-- but don't bet it. Even if Moore throws a couple more nice INT’s, Boise still beats.

OK, you get three [3] chances to win big-'n'-easy this wk, and the other games are not really hair-tearers either. Call in your debts, sign up for a Federal loan, whatever it takes-- just get some scratch down: in aggregate this bunch could mean a tuition-free spring semester. Book 'em, Dano.

OSU @ No. 25 ASU [-18]

Easiest bet o’ the week.  The Punkin Eaters are now in Dante’s 4th circle of the Inferno and descending fast, while the Scum Devils ate SC for lunch last wk – and kinda liked the taste. This will get ugly early and Osweiler will go storky-berserk for 450 or 540 or sth as they beat the 18.

Zona @ SC [-12 ½]

Best sneak-bet o’ the week: Zona beats the 12.5. The Rubbers have started a 4-game sucking streak and the Zorros may be the best 1-3 team in the country after losses to 3 top 10 teams in a row. If somebody from the desert can run for 70 yds or sth, Foles will keep this close in the Coliseum.

 WSU @ CO [-3]

Tough call, and the kinda game where Wazoo used to kill me with alarming regularity: marginally better personnel match-ups but playing away. And an unfamiliar away venue at that. Can’t believe I’m doing this, but grit your teeth and take ‘em to beat the 3, with a big day for Lobbestael at high altitude.

U Dub @ UT [-10]

OK, crapping all over BYU was a Good Thing – but not good enough to justify UT’s 10 here vs. the Dawgs, who put up 38 in Nebraska. Y’axe me, I think Price will make this a tough win for UT, sth def in the single digits.

UCLA @ No. 6 Snodfart [-21 ½]

A tougher call than it sounds, as I can see UCLA playing a good 1st half in PA, which they have had an annoying habit of doing more often than the talent diff should allow. But Luck will out, and STA will eventually cover – even though they’ll miss Skov sorely against this gun OFF.

Regional Pick o’ the Wick: San Jose @ Colo St [-3 ½]

R U kidding me? San Jose sux and the Colonsters are a sort-of-OK team at home coming off a good away W. Bet ‘em big to beat this 3 ½ , even though it’s a trap game (B4 Boise on the 15th).

UCLA (1-2) at Oregon St. (0-2) [-5]

Nice to open your conf sked with a contest that “has the look and feel of an elimination game” – which it pretty much is. Da Beavs have had wk off to figure out WTF has gone wrong (besides Katz) while UCLA moves *up* to low-end mediocre w/ Brehaut. Take the OSU 5 in a yawner.

 
Cal (3-0) [-1] at U Dub (2-1)

Toughest call of the week. You have to like the way Cal has put up pts. (even allowing for Presbyterian) but the Dogs as a dog @ home are v. tough to bet against. True, the field diff isn’t as big as @ the old venue, but still Good game for OVER bettors and should be fun to watch. Gimme U Dub for the win.

CO (1-2) at Ohio St. . (2-1) [-16 ½]

The Flubbaloes haven’t won on the road since 2007 and aren’t v. likely to do so in Columbus.  That said, Ohio St. may well be *more* overrated than the usual overrated Big Dim team they’ve spent decades being. This wk’s Take a Flyer With Titov is CO beats the 16 ½.

No. 10 Orygun (2-1) [-15 ½] at Zona (1-2)

Easiest pick o’ the week. The lack of help Foles got at home against Snodfart was embarrassing, and I don’t think A Good Talking To in the meantime from Coach Stoops is going to make a lot of diff. Zona’s task here is not to get TOO beaten up.

No. 23 USC (3-0) at ASU (2-1) [-2 ½]

If beating Syracuse gave you a newfound confidence in previously-shaky SC, you’re not gonna listen to me anyway, so go ahead, bet the Rubbers. True, the Scum Debbils did another crap-the-bed at IL, but this is their chance to protect Osweiler and return to the Top 25 – not to mention end their embarrassing streak of SC losses at 11. I say take ‘em.

Regional Pick o’ the Wick: San Diego St. at No. 22 Michigan (-10 ½)

The frickin’ Tecs cost me some rubles by cruising leisurely by Army in the 4th at West Pt., so it’s hard to bet ‘em doing much better at a Big Dim school, esp. in a Jet Lag Special (12:00 EST kickoff). But I don’t think the ranked Wolferines, or whatever it is, are particularly good. Take the Dagos to beat.

Yeah, *that* PAC 10, the one with thr $3 B TV deal last year. Gonna be 16, looks like. There are plusses and minuses, of course, but you have to admire the chutzpah of some of the critics, as in, "There are worries over the size of the league, the academic reputation of Texas Tech, Oklahoma State and Oklahoma, and a philosophical concern over why the league needs to grow more in the wake of the blockbuster television contract signed this year."

The "academic reputation" issue didn't exactly stop the conf in its tracks on the way to picking up Zona and ASU -- whose national reputation as party schools is *extremely* well deserved. Y'know, major in Desert Studies, start self-irrigating after your last class Wed. It's enough to make you pine for the PAC 8. Which I do.

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Only one conf game, but it's a dandy. The rest are a *really* mixed bag, with one team playing Creampuff University and another Creampuff State. In any case, all in all a pretty good betting wk, I;m thinkin'.

Colo St (2-0) at Colo (0-2) [-7]
Big spread for a two-time loser vs. an undefeated at a neutral site (Broncos’ stadium)? Nah. State has beaten two crap teams, CO lost to two good ones. Take CO to beat the 7 in this, erm, Rocky Mountain Showdown.

No. 23 TX (2-0) [-3 ½] at UCLA (1-1)
TX might be good – we’ll find out Oct. 8 and 15 (OK and OKie St) – and might be conf shopping this game. UCLA might be good, but don’t count on it til next year. These shlubs couldn’t get by San Jose – SAN JOSE – til the 4th. Bet TX to top this 3 ½.  

U Dub (2-0) at No. 11 NEB (2-0) [-17]
As one wit put it, it’s the Battle of Husk-: the –ers vs. the –ies. The -ers want revenge for last year. The -ies want revenge for last year too. Lacking Locker, gimme the –ers to win in Cornhole Stadium, but not by 17. Hey, Fresno put up 29 on ‘em there.

Mizzou St. (0-2) at No. 12 Orygun (1-1) [-56]
Most houses are offering no line on this “game,” and it’s not hard to see why. The last time I bet a game with a spread over 40 I lost, as -41 SC – which I said shoulda been -50 – got beat by Stanford, in the Coliseum, in the biggest upset ever. OK, I have to bet, so: take OU...moderately.

Presbyterian (1-1) at Cal (2-0) [-42 ½]
The Presbyterian College Blue Hose. No joke. A Big South school in Clinton, SC. Which IS a joke. Why are these teams playing? Is Cal 42 ½ better? How much life insurance is enough? I have no idea (cubed) but for today’s throw-away, take a teeny flyer on the Pres to beat. Hee-hee.

Wazoo (2-0) at Dago St (2-0) [-4 ½]       
SDS pissed me off last wk piddling away an easy beat at Army. ARMY! And Wazoo showed a lot, as in Who needs Tuel?. So I’m doing the unthinkable: betting WSU to beat on the road. They might even win! No, I’m sober ‘n’ everything.

No. 22 ASU (2-0) [-2] at Ill (2-0)                                                                                                                                                     I’m actually going to take the Scum Devils here for the Duh Reasons: they have better athletes and better coaching. Period. And while Ill is one of he more imaginative Big Dim schools and they’re a dog at home, I’m guessing ASU has sort of grown up after last wk. So sue me.

Syracuse (2-0) at SC (2-0) [-15 ½]
Syracuse sucks, a Big East team that’s snuck by Wake and RI. Yes, Rhode Island! The Rubbers, on the other hand, are a talented bunch that has little idea how to use its resources. I’ll take ‘em again this week to cover. They OUGHT to win by 30-35, but they’ll PROBABLY go by 16.

Utah (1-1) at BYU (1-1) [-3 ½]
Beats the hell outta me. UT looked unfocused at SC, which has been majoring in unfocused. BYU shoulda beat TX away but didn’t. It’s a Big Rivalry game, so I guess I’ll take the Latter Days to beat/win at home.

No. 6 Snodfart (2-0) [-9] at Zona (1-1)
This week’s only conf game, and it outta be good. Luck vs. Foles may be one you wanna tape, as one or both are likely to go 400/4 or sth. Stanford hasn’t been tested, and I didn’t like how hapless Doook threw against them. My hunch is Luck will win, but not by 9.  

OK, while Week 2 is normally still touchy-feely time, I think we're heading onto the plus-side this week, fellers 'n' gals -- last night's Zona crap-out notwithstanding. So, pencils, paper and checkbooks out please, and we're off:

Thurs:

Zona @ #9 Okie State (-13 ½): Zona to beat the spread [see Thurs. Bird Droppings].

OK St 37-14. It wasn’t Foles’s fault AU didn’t beat -- which they were primed to do at 27-14 – but his 37/51for 398/1/0 isn’t gonna cut it when you team rush for 39. I’m beginning to doubt Stoops has much future: that’s 5 L in a row, and this was a grudge match w/ months of prep time—and Zona looked lost for a half, then hit-‘n’-miss.

Fri:

#21 Mizzou @ ASU (-9 ½): Why are the Scum Devils such a heavy fave over a ranked team? Er, b/c they have somebody actually named Vontaze Burfict, a DEF stalwart (LB) who eats nails for bkfst or sth and will lead the “hard-hitting Sun Devils on what’s expected to be a steamy Friday night in the desert.” Yeah, desert warfare *is* tricky, as the whole conf knows; and Osweiler *is* pretty good; and Mizzou is *often* a chimera of a ranked team. But they have some large, chunky-style guys who will make life difficult for a half. I will go w/ the Debbils to cover this in the 2nd, but I’m not too happy about it.

Sat:

OSU @ #8 Wisc (-20): Welp, the Punkin Eaters are “coming off a head-scratching loss, unsettled at quarterback and might be missing its new star running back,” so they’re pretty screw playing in Madison. That said, these same Big 10 apes beat ASU there last yr on a missed PAT, and it’s a good trap game opp for them. I’ll take OSU to cover please, Alex.

NEV @ #13 Orygun (-26 ½): Nev sans Kaepernick just ain’t gonna be the same – not even close. This game won’t be either. Look for a smarting, pissed-off OU to run up 40-50 or sth while the Wolfs struggle into double figs—maybe. Bet this big.

Cal (-6 ½) @ Colo: Cal looked (potentially) good beating Fresno, and CO looked (potentially) crappy getting kicked around by Hawaii—and this game will tell us a (potential) lot about those conditional judgments. I really wish this were a Cal home game or the spread were, like, 3, but hell: take ‘em at 6 ½ on the basics: better athletes & coaching.

#6 Snodfart (-21) @ Doook: As an AP guy put it, the toughest obstacle Stanford faces in this one is jetlag. Luck is still regionally irked by that ’09 robbery @ Wake and plans to take it out on DU, which as a football team – not to put too fine a point on it – sucks dead elephant. Bet this one big, too.

HA @ U Dub (-6): Toughest call o’ the wk. The Dogs snuck by E-Wash last Sat., and Sarkisian was pissed. He *may* be able to fire ‘em up – and he better, ‘cause Moniz can really throw ‘em and U Dub proved it sucks against a good spread OFF, at least so far. I’m gonna say Dub wins this in Seattle, but not by 6. Could be a pretty good shootin’ match.

UNLV @ Wazoo (-14): What was the last time WSU was a 14-fave?!? The late Pleistocene Era, I’m guessing, with Ryan Leaf throwin’ em. But hey, Vegas sucks preternaturally, and Tuel’s replacement did well last wk. So yeah, let’s go up the Wazoo again, maybe they’ll Not Hurt Me twice in a row!

Utah @ SC (-8 ½): This could be a good game. UT was pretty decent in Salt Lake against a fairly well-stocked Mont St, while SC played only the first half last wk against MN. If Kiffin convinces people other than Barkley and Woods to join the fun – and play the whole game – SC will win this going away. Which is how I’m betting it.

San Jose @ UCLA (-21): Faulkner’s 4 fumbles in PA last wk actually sort of disguised how bad the rest of SJS is, which is why this not-great UCLA bunch is -21 here. "We can be a lot better and be a lot better quickly," sez Neuheisel, and I sorta believe him. Houston is an OK team, and San Jose isn’t, so the 21 works for me here. Bet it.

Yep, Week 1 is notoriously hard to pick, and for reasons too obvious to belabor here, esp. on Belabor Day weekend. That said, consider two things: (1) hope springs eternal; and (2) hey, I made you $ (or rather R) last yr, didn't I? OK, get that "guy you know in Vegas" on speed dial, here ya go. Oh, and welcome to the Pac 12.

*Minn @ SC (-24)*: Much-touted SC has a lot to prove, but this won’t be the game they do it. Take ‘em at 24 and watch Barkley – the 3rd best QB in the conf – eat a standard Big 10 def  for lunch. And belch. If they’re up 21 and stop f#cking playing, I swear will rip out someone’s liver. My hope is it isn’t mine.

*UCLA @ Houston (-3)*: It’s the bizarre HOU no-TE OFF against the Pistol 2.0, w/ Prince back starting (“but both QB’s will play”, groan). There’s a lot at stake on both sides here, starting w/ whether Neuheisel should keep his job. A crapshoot, but take UCLA – mo’ better athletes, nobody hurt yet – to beat the 3.

*Sac St @ OSU (-27)*: Jacquizz is gone, so it’s pretty much up to Katz to get the Punkin Eaters juiced in ‘11. He’s prolly the 4th best QB in the conf, and this could be game one of his breakout year. The Sacs are a good enough Big Sky team, but OSU at 27 is prolly not a stretch; bet it, but nervously.

*San Jose @ Snodfart (-30)*: Easiest call o’ the day. There will be little reason to stop Luck from throwing when they go up by 21, 24 and probably 31. And if SJS puts up more than a dime, Stanford needs to be concerned about D for BCS purposes. Bet accordingly.

*ID St @ Wazoo (-28 ½ )*: ID St is just awful, and WSU is supposed to be much improved—well, it better be, or the 5-32 Wulff is history. I like Tuel and Marquess Wilson enough to take ‘em at 28.5 despite myself (and the Curse of the Palouse). Look, don’t #$%& me the first wk, OK?

*Fresno St @ Cal (-10)*: A lot o’ weirdness here. Cal has been on a 3-yr QB suckfest, and the new guy Maynard is starting his 1st conf game…oh, but he started for 2yrs (’08-’09) at, um, Buffalo. FSU’s Carr is also a rook, and he has some good athletes behind him for this last WAC year. ATTN: this game is called “neutral site”, meaning Candlestick. More like “nauseous site,” y’axe me. (Has Kezar been torn down?) Anyway, go w/ FSU to beat this 10, which for a toss-up is way outta line.

*E-Wash @ U Dub (-18)*: E-Wash is good, and not just FCS-good: Mitchell could prolly play anywhere in the Pac 12…oh, except for the 3 places w/ A-1 draftable QB’s. UW can’t replace Locker; they’ll run a lot, and well, and will certainly win in Seattle. But y’know what? I say not by 18.

*Orygun (-3 ½) @ LSU*: Today’s marquee game, nicely tarnished over the last 2 wks by a bunch of, ahem, “disciplinary problems”, some of them describable as “felonies.” LSU has already started making excuses—which Kelly won’t do, of course (if he didn’t complain on a missed call that took him out of a nat’l championship run…). Dallas makes this a (regional) home game for LSU and they remain a top (SEC) team…and OU should beat 3 ½ handily, after which the whining will become louder.

*Colo @ HA (-7)*: If you think Hawaii is a likely place for CO to break its 17-game away losing streak, you have, as they say, another think coming. And they’re not likely to get close to this 7 either, ‘cause Moniz can really throw ‘em. I liked HA a lot last yr, they’re the WAC faves now and will win this in the 2nd half by 10 or sth.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Regional pick o’ the week: *Boise (-3) at UGa*: I don’t like Boise – it was a joy to watch Kaepernick pull their pants down – and they’re missing key peeps for this. But GA is another SEC-good team; even in ATL they’re going to get their lunch handed to them, and by more than 3.

Now if it would just save a line that read Kevin Gregg disembowled by angry Orioles fans. I would pull it up just for fun years after this scumbag’s untimely demise. You know, to cheer me up on during rain delays ‘n’ stuff.

Man, there’s nothing like killing your winning streak with a come-from-ahead-TWICE-loss, is there? Takes the air right outta your optimism balloon, just when you had it up over the lower-hanging trees of northeast Moscow – and people were asking Who’s the smiley goofball in the Orioles hat with the woman and the walking-menace kid and the balloon – is he mental?

OK, since we can’t disembowel The Dreggs – apparently it’s a union thing – and a nice one-way bus ticket to Norfolk also seems beyond our powers of imagination, we have one option remaining: We Can Lump It.

It’s kind of like getting to the main-dish section in your college dining hall line at dinner and reading the smaller lettering below the CHOICE OF ENTRÉE: sign you’d seen ahead of you five minutes and 30 feet earlier: yes, next to the last remaining slabs o’ drying meat loaf and an empty tray where the chicken entrée used to be, the fine print specifies your actual choice: “Take it or leave it”.

OK, 2-nite it’s Matusz for the prophylactic, and I this time I actually like our Trojan-game chances – as long as we don’t go to the meat loaf tray for our, ahem, final course.

Go O’s!

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There are some important things to take away from this game, starting with your good humor, your sanity and the ability to keep your hands away from sharp objects and, while contemplating your television, large blunt instruments.

Yes, Bergurglarson [sp.?] had a difficult evening. The silver lining, of course, was that this difficulty paved the way for a rare occasion indeed: we got to see the major leagues' finest Lithuanian reliever, Jack You, Bustas! AND the mysterious Troy Patton -- you may remember him as Troy Ponson in "DWI Laws Are for Suckers!" -- in the SAME GAME! Now THAT'll be something to tell the grandkids about, trust me!

Finally, and when you least expected it, the O's stormed back in the bottom of the 9th! True, the two Albert Belle Memorial Useless Runs were one less than Albert liked to knock in deep into long-since-decided games, but still, it was the thought that counted.

And if all that wasn't exciting enough,we can now contemplate a suckfest of a series against the bottom-feeding, mouth-breathing Warshington Gonats, whose series sweep against us at OPACY not long ago remains one of the most painful childhood memories of several CC-related offspring. Plus, if he gets out by late afternoon, we'll be joined watching the game by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, whose extraordinary bail provisions stipulate mandatory pre-trial Orioles viewing...strapped into a dentist's chair before a Home-Theater screen. Think Kubrick's version of  "A Clockwork Orange." OK--  smile, folks, and

Go O's!

Young southpaw Brian Matusz of the Orioles walked past General Manager Andy MacPhail before an exhibition game this weekend and pointed to the lineup card on the wall of the dugout.

"Thanks for that," said Matusz. "That's exciting." [...] It's been a very long time, 13 seasons to be exact, since any comparable excitement surrounded the Orioles. [...]

[With] the arrival of Showalter, the late-'10 turnaround and a brilliant offseason, the Orioles have a near-monopoly on preseason buzz.

To some degree, the signings of Guerrero, 36, and Lee are the definition of a relatively cheap cosmetic one-year patches to appease a bitter fan base. But there's also a longer view. If those vets help more than a half-dozen young Orioles players to establish themselves, it'll be worth it.

"The hope is that these new players will help level out the load for everybody else," said MacPhail.

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"[The] Hall of Fame presses on with its mission as a custodian of history, resigned to the reality of never pleasing everybody. Well, almost never. Once in a while a decision is rendered that makes perfect sense and inspires smiles among baseball people from Seattle to Miami. The honor bestowed on Roland Hemond, a former White Sox [and Orioles] general manager, last week is an example: He’s going into the Hall of Fame as the 2011 winner of a Lifetime Achievement Award, appropriately named for Buck O’Neil, its first recipient, in 2008.

Nice. Nobody has lived a more eventful or exemplary baseball life, one encompassing 60 years."

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An outstanding player in all aspects of the game, he joined Mays and Mantle in making CF the marquee position of the 1950s. "From 1949, his first full season, until 1957, the period generally considered the golden age of New York baseball — the last time the city’s fans were divided into three camps, and when at least one New York team played in the World Series each October — Snider was a colossus, one of three roaming the center fields of New York."

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/sports/baseball/28snider.html?_r=1&src=ISMR_HP_LO_MST_FB

And Happy New Year to you too! OK, now that you’ve made a modest  piece o’ change from December, who’s ready for some Big Casino action in twenty-'leven? The calls are actually easier from here on out, and several are, well, as close to Mortal Locks as Team Titov is ever gonna gitcha. So get them rubles out and start layin’ ‘em down on these:

January 1, 2011

Capital One Bowl: Alabama (-10) vs. Michigan State. Sometimes you really wish both annoying teams could lose. Bama managed to fumble away a 24-0 W @ home to AUB, grr, while MSU can’t figure how their impressive wins over, um, N. Colo., W. Mich. and Fla. Atl. impressed exactly nobody: combine ‘em with a bunch of Big Dim wins and it buys you a lousy cup o’ coffee and no sugar from the BCS. Yes, the SEC has truly earned its slogan – “Celebrating Eleventy-Three Years as America’s Most Overrated Conference” – but remember who they wrested this title away from back when: the Big Dim. Short version: quicker prolly wins over ploddier here, but not by 10, so groan and bet MSU to beat.  

Outback Bowl: Penn State vs. Florida (-7). That number’s prolly about right, and the sensible pick is FLA: Tampa ain’t Gainesville, I know, and FLA lost its 4 games vs. ranked opps. But PSU lost to the 4 ranked it played too, and outgoing Meyer has a 4-1 bowlistory. Unless Joe Pa pulls a My Last Game speech (which could happen…), you should go with the smarter clock manager and his better athletes (and Recreation Studies majors). But strangely enough, I’m not: gimme Joe and a miracle: P-St. to beat that 7.

TicketCity Bowl: Northwestern vs. Texas Tech (-9 ½). Effectively a home game for Tech, and one they will win: the Mildcats stink at bowlery – still looking for the first W in my lifetime – and w/o Persa they’re pretty much dead in the water, even tho Tech’s fine air game is almost undone by its amazing matador secondary. So yeah, take Tech and cross yer fingers.

Gator Bowl: Michigan vs. Mississippi State (-4 ½ ). The Wolferinos, or whatever it is, are another Big Dim mediocrity that deserves to be watching a bowl rather than playing in one. But beating two patsies and then sneaking by MA by 5 – yes, that’s Massachusetts – plus losing to every ranked team you play can make you a bowliferous metal these days, so here they are. Rodriguez may go before kickoff, but who cares? MSU is on a bowl-joyous up-curve and ought to do this 4.5-spot even w/o any QB in particular.

Rose Bowl: TCU (-2 ½) vs. Wisconsin. Raise your hand if you thought TC got jobbed out of a title bid this year. No one? That’s correct. OSU woulda beaten these guys in Arlington if Katz hadn’t choked the chicken his first time out (it happens; and Jacquizz was sub-par, to be fair). This is a good team, sure, but whoa, WI started some serious steroid abuse at about wk 3, after wandering by San Jose [!] and getting beat up at home by the Scum Debbils (who couldn’t kick a PAT) – and eventually ended up scoring 200 pts in their last 3 games against credible Big Dimmers. Anyway, TCU shouldn’t be in the Rose Bowl at all, of course (Stanford should be playing WI), but the bigger ‘n’ slower Cheesers won’t make that point.

Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma (-17) vs. Connecticut. OK, if it’s unfair to call CT a patsy (which I did above), you give ‘em a better name; look, they lost to Rutgers and Temple and were drubbed at L’ville, for heaven’s sake. The Big East is not a major f’ball conf, duh, and this game has all the earmarks of a major blowout. Athletes aside, OK owns the Fiesta Bowl (albeit thx to a Luck-less Stanford last year) and the question becomes how ugly this’ll get in prime time (25? 30? 40?) before its remaining modest audience goes back to the Twilight Zone Marathon on Sci-Fi.

 January 3, 2011

Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Stanford (-3). Gitcha seff that spring tuition money right here, mah frens, as this is the spread-beatin’-est bet o’ the bowl season: Snodfart may be the best team in the country at this pt. – and may well wish to, er, illustrate this principle, led by architectural engineering major Luck, to the other claimant, that interested party from Eugene – especially if the latter whump up on AUB by less than 10-15. Too bad Mark Cuban can’t kill the BCS *this* year, so a neutral-site LSJU-OR game could settle things all gennelmanly ‘n’ everything. Anyway, Tech is as good an ACC team as any in years, and they’ll show up and play hard – and good on them. But this shouldn’t be very close.

January 4, 2011

Sugar Bowl: Arkansas vs. Ohio State (-3 ½) Two more teams that think they are better than they are. Well kids, when you can only pound on Marshall, Ohio and E. Mich. for your outta-conf sked, and then lose to a Big Dim team, you’re not champeenship material, obviously: nobody gives a warm turd about that kind of 11-1 record. And now you have to play a two-time loser from the Bib Overalls Conf, too, hee-hee. Arkingsaw may be slightly less overrated than OH St, but I’m still not excited about picking ‘em to beat 3.5 – which I am, nevertheless, simply on team speed and game-in-climate.

January 6, 2011

GoDaddy.com Bowl: Miami OH (-1 ½) vs. M. TN State. The call you’ve been waiting for! OK, here it is: Sneaking by the likes of Bowling Green and Akron was enough to get the RedHawks favored over yet another 6-6 mediocrity, this one sporting L’s to North TX, Arkingsaw St and Memphis. Yikes. And they’re another Goombye Coach team, at that. Anyway, gimme the Hawks on principle. And on principal, dammit. 

 January 7, 2011

Cotton Bowl: Texas A&M vs. LSU (-1). A semi-home game for A&M, which isn’t a bad team. Neither is LSU, actually, although they don’t pass well and Miles may be the worst clock mgr in the game at this level. Seriously. Take A&M and the point.

 January 8, 2011

BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh (-3) vs. Kentucky. If this seems like an utter waste of time, put it this way: What else were you gonna be doing at noon this Sat. that would be more worthwhile – shoveling snow? Actually, that might prove more interesting, too. Anyway, if you’re stuck near a TV, take Pitt here – yes, even though they’re in Fired Coach Mode – cuz UK sucks, a 2-6 Bib Overalls team with outta-conf wins against Western Kentucky, Akron and, er, Charleston Southern. Kinda bad odor.

 January 9, 2011

Fight Hunger Bowl: Nevada (-9 ½) vs. Boston College. Ding-ding-ding, alarm bells oughta be going off in your head at the sight of this number. BC is a middling ACC team and Kaepernick & Co. are the ones who put Boise out of our misery. NEV hasn’t been a strong bowl team, but there hasn’t been an NEV team like this one before either. BC’s much-touted run-def nos. were put up w/o meeting Kaepernick and Taua. I’m thinkin’ 14 minimum here. Borrow $ to beat this 9.5.

 January 10, 2011

BCS National Championship: Auburn (-3) vs. Oregon. Hee-hee, AUB is favored. Look at their sked. Seriously, get out your magnifying glass and look up and down the AUB schedule for a team that isn’t part of the SEC-regional circular-logic PR bandwagon (“We’re good b/c we play SEC and regional teams, which are good…b/c they’re, y’know, good”). AUB, with zero outside dates, barely beats ALA, whose outside sked is one Big Dim (PA St) and, gulp, a 1-11 SJS. The Bib Overalls Conf is a lot of self-congratulatory good-ole’ back-slappin’, and you’re welcome to buy in, if you like…

Hey, Cam’s a fine athlete and should have one good half against OR (prolly the 1st, although it’s not critical). But he doesn’t have the players to put up a complete game win against this team. It’s that simple. And whoa, Vegas is giving three here? Try not to get trampled at the betting window

“The bowls are alive / with the sound of money…”  Right, like I know anything about Miami of OH and, er, Middle Tennessee State. For all I know it could be Middle Earth State.

But I do know a funky spread when I see one, and there are 5 or 6 pretty funkadelic cases you can make some nice scratch on here, most likely -- and they won’t be hard to spot. The other 29 game spreads are pretty much dart-throwing – unless you do this for a living, like a real Mr. Vegas Guy – but it’s fun dart throwing, and good for the wrist. So here goes nuttin’:

December 18, 2010

New Mexico Bowl: BYU (-11 ½ ) vs. UTEP.  Let’s start off with an easy one: the Utterly Marginal Bowl, with two 6-6 teams, only one of which can escape with a winning season – doesn’t that just make you wanna watch? BYU has a bowlier history (by far); take them and the 11.5 and we’re off and counting green.

Humanitarian Bowl: N. Illinois (-1 ½) vs. Fresno State. You look at this line and say Uh, what? NIU is a Crappy Conf runner-up, FSU is a good WAC team that owes sth to fans in Boise, btw, after getting waxed there. Gimme the Frezzies here, easy – even the Yahoo Users have doped this out.

New Orleans Bowl: Troy (-2) vs. Ohio. Futility battles tedium in this one, played before a fine audience of friends and relatives, no doubt. At least it’s in New Orleans, so they’ll have sth to do. I mean, think of the poor shlubs in Boise that day. What the hell was Second Prize? Anyway, for this pointless numb-fest I say take the Rubbers, who at least gave OK St a good game.

December 21, 2010

Beef O'Brady's Bowl: Louisville (-3) vs. Southern Miss. If I knew what on God’s green earth Beef O’Brady was, I’d know how to pick this game, which I don’t. OK, look, LV didn’t beat one good team this year; S. Miss. did—and they’re the dog. Arf-arf, sez I.

December 22, 2010

Maaco Bowl: Utah vs. Boise State (-17). Do I really need to rehearse the backstory here for you? Boise finally got shut up by Kaepernick & Co. (and their own kicker) and Utah played two of the most mystifyingly bad games in a row you’ll ever want to see from an undefeated Top 10 team. I think Boise’s still angrier, and by a long shot. Take ‘em.

December 23, 2010

Poinsettia Bowl: San Diego State (-4 ½ ) vs. Navy. This is a home game for the Tecs, and it’s against a team that lost to Duke. That’s right, Duke. Yeah, I know, Dago has already cost me money this year, and they’ve been champs at the close loss vs. quality opps. But I want em at 4 ½. I just do.

December 24, 2010

Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii (-10 ½) vs. Tulsa. The generous spread here (at least it’s down 2 this week) makes this hard to call. I really like HA, and I don’t doubt they’ll win this – but it may prove tough to do by 10 ½ , so I’m placing my chips on that result with a shaky hand. C’mon, Bows, make me lookunnecessarily weak-kneed.

December 26, 2010

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Toledo (-1 ½ ) vs. FIU. Right, I’m on top of this one. Let’s see, if the dart lands inside the metal thing *below* the 20, it’s a triple score, right? I can honestly say I have never seen either of these two teams play and have no intention of breaking this winning streak. But I’ll take the warm weather team in air conditioning, thanks.

December 27, 2010

Independence Bowl: Air Force (-3) vs. Georgia Tech. These are option teams which can’t throw and wisely don’t – but they run maniacally, and if that’s your thing you’ll love this game, during which I’ll be enjoying a good book. Anyway, take AFA at 3 and may the Force be with you.

December 28, 2010

Champs Sports Bowl: N.C. State vs. West Virginia (-3). Two teams who’ve done well at unexpected junctures this year, winning 8 and 9 respectively in the end. You can’t not like the WVU defense, which I’ll say is at least 3 better than Wilson can throw up there (before he hits the MLB draft).

Insight Bowl: Iowa vs. Missouri (-1). If you’re waiting for me to say I don’t have any particular insight on this one, you win: I don’t. Missouri had another of its overrated years and IA finished on a nice 3-slide that turned a pretty good season mediocre. Hey, roll the dice. I’ll take Mizzou to block.

December 29, 2010

Texas Bowl: Illinois vs. Baylor (-1 ½ ).  I dunno. Or care. Hey, its’ Big Dim vs. Big Twerp middle o’ the packers. Both these teams played the last month of the season like they were double parked – and I’m supposed to bet on one of ‘em? OK, IL’s losses were contested (and they won a game, too). So gimme them. And pass the darts.

Alamo Bowl: Arizona vs. Oklahoma State (-5 ½ ). Zona is not a good bet here, as they came out on a 4-streak heading south and don’t have an impressive bowl record, while OK St had a remarkable season – and man can they put up pts. I’d love to be surprised by a sudden Zona revival – Foles and Criner are capable of putting a lot of damage on anybody – but I don’t expect it and can’t bet it. Take State.

Military Bowl: Maryland (-7) vs. E. Carolina. ECU is a true Jekyll and Hide, with one of the most offensive O’s and one of the least defensive D’s on record. MD was better than expected, and will prolly do a 7’s worth here, if anybody in the District is interested. I confess I’m not. But hey, don’t let me down, Terps, Just because I’m not watching doesn’t mean I don’t need the money.

December 30, 2010

Pinstripe Bowl: Syracuse vs. Kansas State (pick ‘em). The interesting thing about this game is that it will take place in Yerkee Stadium, and the refs will wear pinstripe jerseys. Hey, I said interesting, not important: these two teams are not very good and probably deserve the foot of snow that may land on them. I guess I’ll take K-State, for reasons too arcane to pursue here. And I made up the pinstripe jerseys thing.

Music City Bowl: North Carolina (-2) vs. Tennessee. Another case of How Can These Two Teams Be Playing On Live Television In A Bowl Game? But there you are. It’s in Nashville, so I guess you take TN. Carolina had an unimpressive year – though at least they edged by Duke [!] sideways. You may doze off watching this one. Try it at the gym, on the treadmill.

Armed Forces Bowl: SMU (-8) vs. Army. Not to be confused with the Military Bowl, which is, like, a different shape of bowl altogether. Or something. Anyway, Army also beat Duke, which is a Good Thing, but they made up for it by losing to a crappy Rutgers team. SMU is not very good, but prolly 8 pts gooder here.

Holiday Bowl: Washington vs. Nebraska (-14). This is a replay, of course, of that disaster in Seattle, which would make anyone betting the Dogs as the dog here a certifiable head case. OK, pull out the straitjacket: I say Locker plays the game of his life – and his last in college – and U Dub beats this 14 spread. Go ahead, laugh. Yes, I’ve had too much to drink. You wanna step outside and say that?

December 31, 2010

Meineke Car Care Bowl: Clemson (-4 ½) vs. South Florida. Did You Know? The University of South Florida is not in, er, south Florida. Look at the map. I’ll wait. See? Anyway, it would take a moron to bet this game seriously – and a retarded moron to watch it – since there is no offense to speak of on either team. But I watched SF beat Miami (that’s the kind of moron I am) so gimme them here at 4.5.

Liberty Bowl: UCF vs. Georgia (-6 ½). Did You Know? The University of Central Florida IS in central Florida. So that’s a Good Thing. Also, it claims to be the nation’s 3rd largest university, which is kind of a scary thought. I mean, all those caps ‘n’ gowns ‘n’ Mickey Mouse ears for people majoring in Disney Studies there in Orlando. Anyway, their football team is probably better than Georgia’s, a middling entry in America’s Most Overrated Conference. So Mickey sez take UCF to beat that 6.5.

Sun Bowl: Miami (-3) vs. Notre Dame. Yikes, MORE not-very-good-teams haunting your television. Miamuh looked dazed and confused losing to USF (so long, coach) and ND’s wandering-around season couldn’t be redeemed by a good Utah performance or the SC gift. Do I have to bet on this? Aw, mom! OK, take the ‘Canes.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Florida State vs. South Carolina.(-3). This is the local Conf Title Losers Bowl – a name which wouldn’t sound any stupider than the actual one – and the Gamecranks are playing in this bldg for the 2nd time in a row. The Noles are a good enough team, but I’m thinking it’s the ‘Cranks day to wash away the Auburn debacle and beat this 3 for Comrade T.

Yep, we're comin' down to El Cruncho now -- and in pretty good shape, all things considered. (OK, all but one thing, which happened yesterday-- see below, and %$#@ kickers forever, eh?). Anyway, some pretty easy swag lyin' around this week in the post-desert picks:

ASU @ Zona (-5 ½ ) (Thurs): If Foles could throw for 448 at Orygun in a cold rain, whaddaya think he can put up against the Scum Devils in the warm, thin desert air? Sure, I was as impressed as anybody by Osweiler’s step-up job for a bell-rung Threet against UCLA, but this Big Game may be too tall an order even for a 6’ 8" QB – he’s starting his first game, all right? I’ll take Zona @ 5 ½, thanks.

Debbils 30-29 (2 OT). The reason NCAAF is hard to bet is that even when games follow the script, you can still lose easily enough, often enough. Foles beats Osweiler, but his team misses two PATs — one for OT, one for ball game — and that’s that. Zona shoulda won this by 7 in the 3rd OT, but they didn’t, dammit, and I think we should put the blame squarely where it belongs: Obama is a socialist.

Orygun (-16 ½) @ OSU: Yeah-yeah, the Civil War and everything. This is normally a hard-fought Big Game – I know, whose isn’t? – and this year won’t be any different. Dem Ducks are likely to key on Quizz, since Katz is not Foles, and after a respectably close 1st half just Do What They Do in the 2nd. Yes, Da Beavs have a world of motivation here (bowlericity, denying a nat’l title) but it’s still not enough to stop the Wear-‘em-Down Express: OR wins ‘n’ beats, I say. I'm just sorry (sort of) they won't get a chance to run over the Boise Whining Broncos.

U Dub (-6) @ Wazzu: It’s Apple Cup time, and bowlification hangs in the air like a post-cider fart for the Dubs: after a last-play finger in Cal’s eye got them to 5 wins, all they have to do now is drop Wazzu and they’re guaranteed a spot in the Cheez Food Substance/Dork Rental Car Bowl against another Jekyll ‘n’ Hyde squad or some Big Dim mediocrity. Wazzu *did* stun OSU in Corn Valley, and if they concentrate on breaking another one of Locker’s ribs in the 1st half, Tuel could make this close (by running more again). But don’t bet on it. I ain’t. UW to beat 6 is moolah.

SC (-6 ½) @ UCLA: Well, maybe there’s an Embarrassment Factor here for the feckless Rubbers, who phoned it in from a cheap mobile against ND: “To go out and play like that is extremely disappointing,” said Kiffin, “especially since we cost Titov a nice piece o’ change. But then, he’s always hated us.” OK, I added those last parts. Anyway, what was the last time an SC-UCLA game involved 0 bowl-bound teams? For this major non-event, in any case, take the Rubbers at 6 ½... and hold your breath.

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Regional Picks o’ the Wax:

San Jose @ ID (-13 ½): Joke o’ the Week game. SJS is a truly awful team, though Coach Mac is commendably Taoistic about being 1-11 (“We are what we are”); the scurrilous Vandals, meanwhile, are no-bowlers again – so a whole lot o’ nothin’ is at stake here. But maybe the ID seniors have a certain Pride Thing to work out before hangin’ ‘em up there in “one of college football’s most-remote outposts”. Tough call on this one (yawn), but I think the Joses'll get Vandalized by 14.

NEV (-8 ½ ) @ LA Tech: Nobody much believed me on Kaepernick & Co. in Sept. –  funny how I seem to have gotten a lot smarter since last week. Anyway, look for The Kap to do his thing and Taua his, jus' like always. Problem is, this is a classic trap game: NEV just won the only game that mattered to them and Tech is motivated by bowlification, home field and good curve (4 of 6, albeit against crap). So it’s a tougher call than you’d think, but take NEV to beat.

Still eating turkey? Me too – a nice take-home pack from the GF – but the point at this stage is slightly different, nicht wahr? After two tough weeks, it’s time *not* to eat *crow*. And I feel good about these here picks. Really. OK, maybe it’s the turkey talking…

Zona @ Orygun (-19) (Fri.): No doubt the over-under game o’ the day, since Foles is healthy, OR avgs 50+ and the last two mtgs have gone 55-45 and 44-41 (great game). But the spread bet is dicey. After pondering long ‘n’ late, I’m gonna go with the Gunners to beat here on the strength of (a) they need to make people forget Cal (including themselves); and (b) Zona has a habit of not playing big games well. They just don’t. So yeah, take OR and the 19…and hope Foles is just off or sth., ‘cause if he’s sharp this thing could see 1K TO, 100 pts and the 19 stuck in your ear.

 UCLA @ ASU (-12 ½) (Fri.) Well, Brehaut is gonna play, apparently, but it’s not likely he’s going to solve UCLA’s O problem in the desert, even if he stays un-groggy (they’re 117th in passing/ 114 YPG, and last in passing efficiency/ 86.96) – and especially vs. a Scum Debbil D that held A. Luck & Co. to 17. Technically, either team here could still bowlify itself w/ 2 desperation wins, but realistically only ASU has a chance to do that. Go w/ them to beat/win.

 OSU @ Snodfart (-13 ½ ): Y’know what, forget Jacquizz. He’ll get his 125 or sth, and Katz may even play well again (I’m not a big fan), but LSJU still beats the spread here, sez I. Truth to tell, I actually think Da Beavs have a better shot at bowlification vs Dem Ducks next week in Corn Valley (watch that spread, btw). The Barons, meanwhile, are officially Hot Stuff after drubbing foul-mouthed Cal @ Berk (wasn’t that pre-game Neanderthal stuff funny?) and the Rose Bowl remains doable (if complicated).

 U Dub @ Cal (-7): Who the hell knows? If Locker can actually run again and his unpredictable band of Jekylls turns into Hydes after drinking deeply of the We Can Still Bowlerize Ourselves Kool Aid – plus Cal decides to, y’know, run into the middle of the field before kickoff and jump up and down yelling OOGA-OOGA again to “let them know we’re here” (and we’re severely retarded), then yeah, U Dub beats ‘n’ wins this thing. Look, Mansion stinks. Just stinks. On the other hand, Cal is at *least* as Jekyll-Hyde-y, as Inside Slant rightly notes (“There is so much conflicting evidence that it’s impossible to know what to expect [from them]”). So OK, my magic coin-toss sez, Cal for the W, but Dub beats.

ND @ SC (-4): The Utah thing notwithstanding, I’m amazed that the Farting Irish have a winning record. And after whupping mighty Army last time out, they’ll go to the Obscurity Bowl now, regardless of what happens in the Coliseum. SC is bowl-qualified too – for something just about as prestigious (their recruiting may collapse), and in Dec. 2012 at that. Anyway, this one is not hard to call: Riley’s status (ankle sprain) means a lot, since Mustain sucked dead elephant last wk in Corn Valley, but even with Riley limited, SC’s at home and has better horses: take the Rubbers and the 4.

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Regional Pick o’ the Pack:

Boise (-14) @ NEV (Fri.): Match-up o’ the day, clearly, and possibly among the best of the year: Boise is calling it “one of the biggest games in school history,” while one NEV lineman has already said (and may regret it) “There is not a person in this building that thinks we’re not going to beat Boise.” I hope they do, actually, and it would be esp. gratifying to see underhyped Kaepernick, one of those rare genuine do-everything guys, outduel overhyped HEISMAN CANDIDATE KELLEN MOORE. But paying tuition isn’t about winning; it’s about spread-beating. Baby needs a new set o’ physics books. So gimme the Wolfs to beat 14.