SB Nation User Blog: Titov

How to Fix Baseball by PC Bud and WaPo Boswell

Titov — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 06:45:54 -0000

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/16/AR2009121603913_pf.html

My holiday gift came early. Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced Tuesday, to the surprise of many inside the sport, that he had appointed a 14-man special committee to fix the sport. Of course, Selig didn't say "fix." His group will just "analyze ways to improve" the sport. In other words: fix.

After the various embarrassments of this year's postseason, piled on top of a recession-plagued year with sinking attendance, MLB has decided to get serious about correcting its problems, many of which have festered for years. From excessively long games to bad umpiring to World Series games in November to the intractable DH rule, Selig says, "There will be no sacred cows."

With three seasons left before his term as commissioner is over, Selig is determined to do all he can to put the game "on the field" in as good of shape as possible as part of his legacy.

"We're not just reacting to things in October," Selig told me Wednesday. "I've been thinking about this for years."

The proof of his seriousness is in the superb quality of his committee.

His group includes four managers who've at some point won World Series: Tony La Russa (St. Louis), Jim Leyland (Detroit), Joe Torre (Los Angeles Dodgers) and Mike Scioscia (Los Angeles Angels). "You guys are on the field. You live this every day. We need your input," said Selig, and the four have already been batting ideas among themselves for two weeks.

The committee also includes elite executives such as John Schuerholz of Atlanta and Andy MacPhail of Baltimore as well as owner representatives like Paul Beeston (Toronto), Bill DeWitt (St. Louis) and Dave Montgomery (Philadelphia). Frank Robinson, who has studied issues like slow play, is on board.

These are baseball's brand names. Any issue on which they offer a consensus proposal will almost certainly be adopted by the sport. If this sounds like the NFL's powerful Competition Committee, it should. And it's about time.

"We're open to talk about anything," said Selig, confirming that issues such as pace of play, quality of umpiring, expansion of instant replay, November World Series dates and some surprisingly fundamental rule changes are all fair game.

For example, to reduce excessive use of specialty relievers and speed up the game, could you change the rules so a pitcher would have to face at least two batters? "Nothing wrong with that," said Selig, not endorsing, of course, but sounding enthusiastic.

The committee's first brainstorm session will be at the owners' meeting (Jan. 13-14) with all GMs invited. Expect some changes by next year. Others may take a year or two. " 'Expeditious,' is the word," said Selig. At least an in-depth process is finally underway.

So, let's get busy and fix this sport. Here are 10 places to start:

-- Cut 15 to 20 minutes off the average time of a regular season game. Everybody knows this is baseball's elephant-in-the-room. The game is too slow in total time and too sluggish while in process. This doesn't just alienate "the young" or "the old." It drives anybody crazy who has a life. When revenue drops in an industry, folks are suddenly open to new ideas and common sense.

-- I've "timed" every facet of the game. Okay, I'm a nut. But I'm right. The average "mound visit" wastes 60 to 70 seconds. Ban 'em all. Middle-aged guys stay in the dugout. Mike up the pitcher and a coach. Talk all you want. Use a crackberry. But no visits.

-- Putting a clock on mid-inning pitching changes is a must. If it only takes 150 seconds between innings, there's no excuse why "waving for the left-hander" should burn more than three minutes.

-- Sorry about "God Bless America" at the seventh-inning stretch, but it needs to go. It was a fine idea after 9/11. But it has served its purpose. And it wastes two minutes.

-- Yes, of course, wave the hitter to first on an intentional walk.

-- A huge time saver, since every relief pitching change eats about four minutes, would be curtailing the plague of relief specialists who now face only one hitter. This isn't "core" to baseball. It evolved. Then metastasized. Change the rules. A relief pitcher must face two hitters. The effect: more offense, and better pace of play, in late innings.

-- Stop the insanity: Don't award home field in the World Series on the results of the all-star game. At least go by "better record." The history of the all-star game is a series of long 15- to 20-year streaks of dominance by one league. The last thing any sport needs is an arrangement that reinforces the imbalance between leagues or conferences. You want to hide it.

-- Make sure no game is ever scheduled for November again.

"Nobody is more aware of this problem than me," said Selig.

Then solve it.

First, never again delay the start of the MLB season to accommodate the World Baseball Classic as was done last year. The WBC is nice, but it can't drive MLB's schedule.

Next, have less off-days built into the postseason. Selig's all over this. Just go back to the way it was a couple of years ago.

-- What will never happen is cutting the 162-game schedule. "That idea gets zero votes" from owners," Selig said. Lost games mean lots of lost revenue.

Is there a compromise? Could every team schedule one doubleheader per month -- a day-night, split-gate affair?

"That's an example of the kind of things we have to talk about," Selig said. "We're going to have to go outside the box."

-- Finally, hanging in the air after so many umpiring mistakes in this postseason is the issue of instant replay. As long as Selig is boss, don't expect to see much more of it in the regular season than currently exists. Over 162 games, most baseball people believe the proper attitude is, "It all evens out. Live with it."

However, more use of replay in the postseason appears to be an open subject. Modern fans are driven nutty by the idea of a pennant being decided by an incorrect umpire call that millions of TV viewers realize is incorrect within a minute. Selig gets that.

The next couple of years should be a rich opportunity for baseball to fix -- sorry -- to "improve" itself.

With its new committee and Selig's wide "best interests of the game" powers, the sport can take a broad and deep look at itself. Other constituencies, especially the union, will have their proper say in time. But for the first time in baseball, a group of the most respected people in the sport is looking squarely at the game's biggest problems. And they have the commissioner behind them.

OT: Heisman tomorrow: Why you should pull for Toby Gerhart

Titov — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:19:12 -0000

Or that's what this guy thinks, anyway.

http://www.mercurynews.com/news/ci_13971957?nclick_check=1

Here's the highlight reel, which makes a good case. Hey, that's what they're supposed to do. (I suspect the Notre Dame DB would vote for him if he had a ballot.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVf_74OGjDE&feature=related

Still, maybe the best argument is here. I like the swimming race start best. OK, and the golf drive. (On the other hand, the women's field hockey scene may actually have hurt him.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvStQJ2xAvQ&feature=related

Seems like a nice fella, too. 'Course, he can't sing for sh*t:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPV1QUw805E

OT: Okay, I'll bite, just how DOES a soccer goalie fail to stop a shot made from 95 yds out?

Titov — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 04:41:12 -0000

Well, this is how-- and it actually isn't the keeper's fault, really. You try judging a bounce like that.

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/post/Video-SMU-freshman-hits-95-yard-soccer-goal?urn=top,197845

While I've got your attention (and need to hit 75 wds), let's hear it for the Angels-- way to hang in there, fellas, now go light up Pettitte -- and let's hear a round of sustained boos for the Dodgers, whose determination to make the Ph*cking Phillies look good was seriously depressing.

Need more money for college? Welp, take some *from* college, courtesy of the NCAA! Last week illustrated once again, alas, that the smart bets are not always the right bets, most painfully when some unsportsmanlike-happy refs struggled, and succesfully, to keep Notre Doof in a game that wasn't close-- *that* was the crew that should've been suspended, not the SEC's -- and Snodfart receivers started dropping passes, including the game winner, with a sudden and wholly inexplicable flair. Incredible.

But hey, all you can do is keep spreading wisdom, like hay on the stable floor-- just waiting to get shat on. That said, buck up and take 'Zona and 7.5 over UCLA in the desert. SC by 20.5 over OSU in the Coliseum? I'd bet the refs can't do it twice in a row. And yeah, with a new brand of stickum (and a healthy fullback), Stanford will put on a nice more-than-7 show in PA against the Scum Devils. There, spring tuition for ya.

And finally, I'll bet you've never heard of either Kseniya Simonova or sand animation. I hadn't until somebody sent me this. A simply amazing performance (plus, she's kinda hot).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=518XP8prwZo

Way OT: Stoopidest Academy Awards for Best Song

Titov — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 16:34:27 -0000

1964: Chim Chim Cheree beats My Kind of Town and Dear Heart
1966: Born Free beats Alfie and Georgie Girl
1967: Talk to the Animals beats The Look of Love. Seriously.
1973: The way We Were beats Live and Let Die. Holy crap!
1977: You Light Up My Life beats...anything. OK, Nobody Does It Better.
1982: Up Where We Belong beats It Might Be You
1995: Colors of the Wind beats You've Got a Friend

OT: Oregon player suspended -- correctly

Titov — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 04:35:45 -0000

By which I mean both (a) it was correct to suspend him and (b) OU suspended him in an appropriate way.

If there is something encouraging in this sorry incident, it is that the school condemned and distanced itself from the behavior -- and did so immediately, without some sort of dragged-out on-campus "hearing" or other quasi-juridical procedure involving lawyers and a commission of some sort, which would have made matters worse in several ways -- and yet made a point of *not* turning its back on the player, as a student or as a team member: Blount made a bad mistake and has to pay dearly for it; but he keeps his scholarship and can practice with the team (though why he'd want to I don't know), although he cannot represent the school in athletic competition again.

Yesterday's thread gave considerable air to two issues: what words were used by Hout in his taunting and the ethics of sucker-punching (face it, the phrase itself sounds like an oxymoron). Both of these are substantive questions, the first because we do make distinctions today -- including on this blog -- among different kinds of negative speech, and the second because, well, it's a practice that seems removed by several magnitudes, because of the premediation involved, from the Unsportsmanlike Conduct behavior that occasionally occurs in the heat of a game (OK, I was called once, and correctly; and I made a point of shaking hands with the guy after the game). In short, the other positive dimension of this thing is that its resolution *hasn't* focused on either the nature of the words or the sucker-punching aspect, and praise be for that.

I don't think the president should have these two guys over for a beer, but it wouldn't be a bad idea if the two schools quietly encouraged some sort of public reconciliation, I think.

Oregon suspends RB LeGarrette Blount for season

By ANNE M. PETERSON AP Sports Writer

EUGENE, Ore.(AP)—A day after Oregon’s college football season opened, it ended for running back LeGarrette Blount.

Blount was suspended for all remaining games on Friday for punching Boise State defensive end Byron Hout in the jaw following the 16th-ranked Ducks’ 19-8 loss to the 14th-ranked Broncos the night before.

Because he is a senior, Blount’s playing days in Eugene are over.

Oregon’s first-year coach, Chip Kelly, told a sobbing Blount about his decision after reviewing tape of the altercation.

Celebrating the victory on the Broncos’ trademark blue turf, Hout yelled in Blount’s face and tapped him on the shoulder pad. Before Boise State coach Chris Petersen could pull Hout away, Blount landed a right to Hout’s jaw, knocking him to his knees.

Blount also had to be restrained by police from fans heckling him on the way to the locker room.

Later he apologized saying, “It was just something that I shouldn’t have done. I lost my head.”

Still, Kelly was taken aback when he saw the punch on tape.

“That’s not what we’re all about. That’s not what we coach. That’s not what we stand for and it’s unacceptable,” he said.

Blount’s suspension includes bowl games. He will remain on scholarship, however, and will continue to practice with the team.

“He is taking this very hard,” Kelly said, choking up. “He understands he made a mistake and he has to pay for the mistake. But we’re not going to throw LeGarrette Blount out on the street.”

Kelly said he hoped Blount’s ultimate legacy “won’t be a YouTube clip of what happened to him on September 3rd in Boise, Idaho.”

Hout won’t be suspended for taunting Blount. Boise State spokesman Max Corbet told The Associated Press in an e-mail that Petersen planned to spend time with Hout this week to help him learn from what happened.

Mike Bellotti, who stepped aside as head coach to become Oregon’s athletic director this summer, said the Pac-10 was consulted about the punishment and supported Oregon’s decision.

Bellotti was with Kelly when the Blount was told of the suspension and described the running back’s reaction as dismay.

“It was a very difficult decision and one I don’t think he was expecting, but he was aware there was a certain amount of gravity to the situation,” Bellotti said.

Oregon president Richard Lariviere called Blount’s behavior “reprehensible.”

“We do not and will not tolerate the actions that were taken by our player. Oregon’s loyal fans expect and deserve better,” Lariviere said in a statement.

Blount, a 6-foot-2, 240-pound transfer from East Mississippi CC, rushed for 1,002 yards and a school-record 17 touchdowns last season.

On Thursday night, he had eight carries for a loss of five yards.

In February, Blount was suspended indefinitely from the team for “failure to fulfill team obligations.” Bellotti did not share details, but Blount reportedly missed offseason team meetings.

He was reinstated before spring practice.

Pac-10 commissioner Larry Scott was at the game and saw the punch.

“We commend the University of Oregon and its leadership for taking swift and decisive action in response to this incident,” Scott said in a statement. “The Pac-10 strongly emphasizes sportsmanship and fair play in all its athletic competitions and expects high standards of sportsmanship from all participants, including student-athletes. In this case, those standards were not met and the university has taken appropriate disciplinary actions.”

The NCAA also weighed in.

“Under no circumstance is fighting acceptable. … Sportsmanship is everyone’s responsibility, including student-athletes, coaches, officials, institutions and fans,” NCAA spokesman Erik Christianson said in a statement.

Gamethread: Angels (69-45) at Orioles (48-68)

Titov — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 17:35:48 -0000

LAA: S. O'Sullivan (3-1, 5.12)
BAL: J. Guthrie (7-12, 5.43)

	LA Angels
	C. Figgins 3B	0-0
	M. Izturis 2B	0-0
	B. Abreu RF	0-0
	J. Rivera LF	0-0
	K. Morales 1B	0-0
	T. Hunter CF	0-0
	E. Aybar SS	0-0
	M. Napoli C	0-0
	H. Kendrick DH	0-0

Batting

Pitching

Top 1st

B:0 S:1 O:0

C. Figgins
Season Avg: .308

J. Guthrie
Season ERA: 5.43

	Baltimore
	B. Roberts 2B	0-0
	A. Jones CF	0-0
	N. Markakis RF	0-0
	A. Huff 1B	0-0
	N. Reimold LF	0-0
	L. Scott DH	0-0
	T. Wigginton 3B	0-0
	C. Moeller C	0-0
	R. Andino SS

Angels vs Orioles recap

Russian Baseball vs. IOC Arseholes

Titov — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 06:56:47 -0000

There I am, peacefully eating bkfst while watching EuroNews on TV, and the Sports segment comes on with the announcement that the Int'l Olympic Committee, in its wisdom, has decided to add to the Games a sport we've all been, y'know, just pining away for-- women's boxing.

OK, this wouldn't really bother me if

(1) the same IOC hadn't recently decided to drop another -- and far more popular -- women's sport, softball, as well as a sport played worldwide which drew huge crowds at its last Olympics-- baseball; and

(2) dropping Olympic baseball didn't really hurt the game's chances where I live, which it does. Check it out below (esp. the last paragraphs in this context). This is basically an upbeat piece, but...but...I'm still steamed!

Russians want baseball to grow
AFP
August 11, 2009

It's the bottom of the ninth, but there are men on base and sluggers on deck as baseball enthusiasts in Russia go into bat for America's pastime.

"The situation is slowly, but surely, changing for the better despite the obstacles," says Yury Kopylov, head of Russia's baseball and softball federation.

"This year we are celebrating the 20th anniversary of baseball in Russia."

Baseball made its debut in Russia in the 1930s, when American migrants fleeing the Great Depression made their way to the Soviet Union hoping to find a better life -- and a place to play baseball.

Teams were established in Moscow, Leningrad, Nizhny Novgorod and other major Soviet cities.

The newcomers even set up an organized league, where American teams clashed with local sides for the Soviet baseball title.

The Communist powers at the time even went so far as to classify baseball as a new "national" sport in the Soviet Union.

The Kremlin's apparent willingness to play ball in the early 1930s however came to an abrupt end in 1937 with the start of the internal security crackdown of the The Terror.

Suddenly, baseball players were viewed with official suspicion, arrested and accused of espionage while the sport itself was re-classified as a bourgeois pursuit alien to Soviet morality.

The sport was later totally banned.

It was only in the late 1980s, as the Soviet Union itself began to fall apart, that the sport started to make a timid reappearance in the fields of Russia.

It was then that baseball was included in the programme for the summer Olympics, giving the Kremlin the ideological cover it needed to ease restrictions on the sport.

The Soviet national federation of baseball and sofball was established and the first national baseball championship took place in 1989, with 24 teams battling for the title.

Baseball began to take root again in Russia, with the number of national league teams gradually expanding to 50 along with a steady growth in the numbers of actual players.

Despite the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union, Russia continued to cultivate baseball, creating a ruling body in 1992 that quickly joined the International Baseball Federation (IBAF).

But development of baseball in Russia then took another hit with the International Olympic Committee (IOC) striking the game off its list of sports for the 2012 Games.

Kopylov, who admits he faces an uphill struggle to promote baseball in Russia, lamented the IOC's decision, noting that baseball competitions in recent Olympic Games had been hugely popular.

"Even at the Athens Olympics, baseball games attracted at least 10,000 spectators a day despite the fact that baseball was completely foreign to the local public," he said.

"The exclusion of baseball from the Olympic programme was a mistake," he added. "It is a very democratic and dynamic game and I hope it will soon regain Olympic status."

********

Way, way OT: How do Russians say "Huckleberry Finn"?

Titov — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 12:13:15 -0000

Certain American names have always been problematic for Russian speakers because of phonetic disparities between Russian and English. Short vowels and aspirated consonants match so haphazardly, in fact, that many Russians grow up calling Mark Twain’s boy-hero “Geckleberry Feen” – and are quite surprised by the blank looks and laughter this draws from Huck’s latter-day compatriots.

Such chuckling would be less off-putting if the chucklers themselves could render even the simplest two- and three-syllable Russian names – Ivan, Vladimir, Tolstoy – correctly. But no, Americans think nothing of mispronouncing other people’s names or, what the heck, not pronouncing them at all: last year a serious presidential candidate identified her presumed Russian counterpart as “Med-, Med-eva-- whatever!” and smiled winningly as the audience chortled.

It’s easy to imagine the effect of this blithe throwaway on many Russians. To be fair, they’ve gained some revenge since then by dubbing this former candidate – known widely in Moscow as Kheelery Kleen-tahn – America’s Secretary of Overload.

Enough Pronunciation Gotcha, let’s move on to brass tacks and practical advice. Both the context and substance of American names have changed significantly in recent years – and Russians should know (a) what and why; and (b) how to deal with it. Moscow, don’t forget, will soon be visited by America’s first “funny name” president – and that’s no laughing matter, Russian friends.

1. Hola, Jamaal! The rise of the non-Anglo-Saxons.

While America still boasts plenty of white folks named John, William and Robert / Smith, Jones and Johnson, their numbers are steadily decreasing as a percentage of the population. Expanding fastest in their stead are Hispanics, African-Americans and people self-identified as “mixed race.” This effectively means that the names from your old English textbooks – where Mr. Charles Brown and his Anglophile friends would dialogue tediously with Miss Mary Wilson and hers – are giving way to livelier stuff.

2. A diaper by any other name would smell as much.

According to just-released government statistics, newborn boys named Barack moved up a record 10,126 places in the latest annual name-frequency rankings. And beyond this predictable boom, consider some other data from America’s nurseries last year: appearing for the first time in the top 1,000 girls names were Isla, Mareli, Milagros, Dayami and Nylah; new among the boys group were Aaden, Chace, Marley, Kash and Kymani.

Anglo-Saxon staples abide in great numbers, of course – but the ethnic purview of America’s Emilys, Hillarys, Laurens and Brians has clearly expanded considerably. This week’s Sunday New York Times announced the weddings of Emily Lewandowski, Hillary Cuccia and Lauren Stein (who married Brian Rosenberg, naturally). Briefly put, Barack is only the beginning; new names and novel combinations are more than ever the American Way.

3. Win friends and influence people: get their names right.

Make a good faith effort to pronounce unfamiliar names as the bearers themselves do. During introductions, don’t be shy about asking Concepción, Jahari or Shaniqua, “Could you say that again (or spell that) for me?” Americans tolerate this kind of excusable ignorance well, usually taking such questions as a sign of interest and respect. It can’t hurt, of course, to begin with, “That’s a beautiful (interesting, unusual) name! Could you…”

4. Take ’em to school – and good luck.

When American acquaintances mispronounce your name – even after you’ve just said it – feel free to do a bit of friendly coaching: “Actually, it’s ‘pop-OFF’,” or “I really prefer ‘ta-MA-ra’.” But don’t expect quick or lasting results. Remember, Americans love Maria Sharapova – and they’ve been calling her Sha-ra-PO-va for at least a decade.

5. Salad is a better metaphor than melting pot.

The names Kareem Shabazz and Guadalupe Del Rio are “as American” as John Smith. Kareem and Esperanza will assume you know this – and perhaps be a tad miffed to hear otherwise. Recall the scene from the award-winning film “The Deer Hunter,” where an army doctor looks at the hospital chart of a wounded American and dimly inquires, “Nikanor Chevotarevich… is that a Russian name?” The soldier’s response is immediate and forceful: “It’s an American name.”

When talking about the background and ethnicity of people’s names, avoid phrases like “very American” or “more American-sounding.” After all, nobody could be more American than the president of the United States – and his middle name is Hussein.

OK, now go meet ‘n’ greet America’s “funny name” brigades. And if Mark Twain happens to come up, tell them you loved Tom Sawyer.

Way, way OT: Bored by commencement speeches? Try this.

Titov — Fri, 22 May 2009 19:39:25 -0000

The spring semester is drawing to a close and once again, inexplicably, I have not been invited to give the commencement address at Moscow University’s graduation ceremonies.

Baffling, isn’t it? Especially in these belt-tightening times, when I represent a considerable saving: I am willing to offer a special Crisis Discount on my honorarium. Come to that, I am not above barter.

Perhaps the university trustees have left me sitting by the phone again because they recall inviting another American celebrity to speak at commencement some years back. On May 31, 1988, retired actor Ronald Reagan offered the university’s new graduates a healthy 1700-word dose of homespun American wisdom and avuncular advice. The speech was as well received as it was delivered – but the Soviet Union went kablooey soon thereafter, possibly leaving a residue of cause-and-effect sentiment at the faculty club.

Or maybe they’re concerned that my appearance could cause controversy, like Barack Obama’s earlier this month: first Arizona State University resisted giving the president an honorary degree (until he made up several honorary incompletes, apparently); then demonstrators massed at Notre Dame, where the prestigious Department of Football Studies took exception to Obama’s unapologetic pro-basketball position.

Moscow U. can relax: I don’t want any more degrees and carry truly strong sports feelings only about the sham of disguising boxers in hockey uniforms. And I offer total transparency: here’s the draft of an address I’ll read word-for-word at the ceremony unless someone texts me halfway through about a sudden change in my visa status. OK, ahem:

“Esteemed new graduates! I am honored to stand before you on this great occasion, and before a buffet luncheon which may prove even greater. But bear with me.

That so many are receiving diplomas here today suggests that last winter’s Shuvalov Proposal – to intern all college students on campus until the end of the economic crisis and pocket their unemployment benefits – has not found favor with the majority of you. I say – bravo. Those indolent seniors who like the idea of attending the University of Indefinite Internment are presumably having lunch in the main cafeteria as we speak, and I pity them on both counts.

But really, what words of wisdom can I – a crusty, chalk-throwing, still-unbribed-but-definitely-interested old warhorse of an English teacher – what useful advice can this Mr. Chips with attitude impart to you, a generation of cyber-weaned nonreaders all too ready to mock a visiting professor struggling with complicated computer-based instructional technology in the classroom? Plenty, that’s what.

Tomorrow you will carry your hard-earned “sheepskins” beyond these hallowed halls into a brave new world of unparalleled challenges, golden opportunities and clichés yet undreamed of even by your humble speaker, whose pending application for a work visa represents a unique chance to reset and improve Russian-American relations at one go. Surely that is food for thought – and I don’t mean from the cafeteria, either!

Thank you, thank you – but I didn’t come here to make you laugh. You have a Ministry of Finance for that. No, today is a serious occasion: your precious diplomas, much more than those sold in Metro stations, signal a new beginning for a tide of youth whose gaze extends beyond the yawning heights of Eurovision to a shining future eternally receding with the vast horizon. I say go forward, you citizens of tomorrow, to dream the impossible dream – and see where it gets you!

I’d like to close by quoting two great Americans, neither of whom took three-hour naps at work or is mistakenly credited with winning the Cold War. Columnist Art Buchwald once told a group of smiling graduates much like yourselves but with better teeth, ‘We’ve left you a perfect world – don’t louse it up!’ Hear-hear! And the baseball-playing philosopher Yogi Berra later added, ‘When you come to a fork in the road, take it.’ Yes, graduation is a defining turn on this Great Road of Life – and it’s time to fork off, the lot of you.”

Hmm, perhaps I’m still a bit on edge. Anyway, it’s only a draft, suggestions are welcome. And if you’re Igor Shuvalov, I’ll take your name out in a heartbeat for some help with the visa.

Several Severe Sunday Stangenesses

Titov — Mon, 18 May 2009 12:34:45 -0000

Not in our game, of course. We had another Orioles Classic Loss (1998-2009; collect the whole set), a game which proved that if winning is nice, low-end mediocrity is forever-- and hey, we like the security of a long-term arrangement. Or something. Oh, what's the use of expending extra words on this little mess? It was the usual Oriole auto de fe, of which we own the Mercedes Benz franchise.

No, the strangenesses were elsewhere-- and man, were they strange.

(1) The Rayz somehow failed to submit a legal batting order [!], forcing them to play National Punk League baseball all afternoon, and without their best player. Yes, Longoria, who was supposed to DH, got himself banned because, um, somebody couldn't count, couldn't write or both. Maybe it was a loaded Magic Marker.

So Sonnanstine had to bat-- and got a hit, driving in a run! He didn't pitch that well, but picked up a W in any case. And since the team won, today's warm-up drills for the Rayz may NOT include penmanship and arithmetic exercises after all.

(2) I hadn't heard of a line-up card abortion like the above since reading about one in the puzzle book So You Think You Know Baseball. And many of the cases there are drawn from minor league incidents and/or theoreticals dreamed up over hot stoves. Anyway, yesterday's other strangeness was just as jaw-dropping, and eminently non-theoretical.

Tie game, bottom of the 9th, man on 2nd, one down. Ground ball to the mound, pitcher knocks it down, catcher fields, looks to first, sees no play. Infield hit, right?, putting the winning run on 3rd with less than 2 out, a routine GWRBI chance for the next batter. But no-o-o-o-o...

The on-base runner , Brett Gardner, decides to SCORE FROM SECOND ON A GROUND BALL FIELDED BY THE CATCHER.

Sure, it took a great diving tag by Mauer to put him out, but basically-- WTF was Gardner THINKING? Sort of "The hell with this runner- on-third-with-less-than-two-outs sh*t, that's for wussies. I wanna Win The Game All By Myself! That's why I'm a Yerkee, dammit!! Grrrr! OK, here I g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!! Holy crap, I'm out?!?"

It's really, really unfortunate that Johnny Dipstick's walk-off saved Gardner's stupid arse from the ignominy he/it deserved. But that's baseball.

Stra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ange Brew, all right.

p.s. The only thing worse than watching the Yerkees win is watching them celebrate it. We're in May, of course, so let's all jump up and down for 5 minutes a la Game 7 of the WS, then let's shaving cream the hero for national TV and generally act like we're The Most Storied Franchise Run By Morons In The History of Professional Sports. I wonder how many bottles of champagne they went through...

Welp, we'll have a chance to Yerk their chain starting Tuesday. Go O's!