SB Nation User Blog: Titov

Way, way OT: How do Russians say "Huckleberry Finn"?

Titov — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 12:13:15 -0000

Certain American names have always been problematic for Russian speakers because of phonetic disparities between Russian and English. Short vowels and aspirated consonants match so haphazardly, in fact, that many Russians grow up calling Mark Twain’s boy-hero “Geckleberry Feen” – and are quite surprised by the blank looks and laughter this draws from Huck’s latter-day compatriots.

Such chuckling would be less off-putting if the chucklers themselves could render even the simplest two- and three-syllable Russian names – Ivan, Vladimir, Tolstoy – correctly. But no, Americans think nothing of mispronouncing other people’s names or, what the heck, not pronouncing them at all: last year a serious presidential candidate identified her presumed Russian counterpart as “Med-, Med-eva-- whatever!” and smiled winningly as the audience chortled.

It’s easy to imagine the effect of this blithe throwaway on many Russians. To be fair, they’ve gained some revenge since then by dubbing this former candidate – known widely in Moscow as Kheelery Kleen-tahn – America’s Secretary of Overload.

Enough Pronunciation Gotcha, let’s move on to brass tacks and practical advice. Both the context and substance of American names have changed significantly in recent years – and Russians should know (a) what and why; and (b) how to deal with it. Moscow, don’t forget, will soon be visited by America’s first “funny name” president – and that’s no laughing matter, Russian friends.

1. Hola, Jamaal! The rise of the non-Anglo-Saxons.

While America still boasts plenty of white folks named John, William and Robert / Smith, Jones and Johnson, their numbers are steadily decreasing as a percentage of the population. Expanding fastest in their stead are Hispanics, African-Americans and people self-identified as “mixed race.” This effectively means that the names from your old English textbooks – where Mr. Charles Brown and his Anglophile friends would dialogue tediously with Miss Mary Wilson and hers – are giving way to livelier stuff.

2. A diaper by any other name would smell as much.

According to just-released government statistics, newborn boys named Barack moved up a record 10,126 places in the latest annual name-frequency rankings. And beyond this predictable boom, consider some other data from America’s nurseries last year: appearing for the first time in the top 1,000 girls names were Isla, Mareli, Milagros, Dayami and Nylah; new among the boys group were Aaden, Chace, Marley, Kash and Kymani.

Anglo-Saxon staples abide in great numbers, of course – but the ethnic purview of America’s Emilys, Hillarys, Laurens and Brians has clearly expanded considerably. This week’s Sunday New York Times announced the weddings of Emily Lewandowski, Hillary Cuccia and Lauren Stein (who married Brian Rosenberg, naturally). Briefly put, Barack is only the beginning; new names and novel combinations are more than ever the American Way.

3. Win friends and influence people: get their names right.

Make a good faith effort to pronounce unfamiliar names as the bearers themselves do. During introductions, don’t be shy about asking Concepción, Jahari or Shaniqua, “Could you say that again (or spell that) for me?” Americans tolerate this kind of excusable ignorance well, usually taking such questions as a sign of interest and respect. It can’t hurt, of course, to begin with, “That’s a beautiful (interesting, unusual) name! Could you…”

4. Take ’em to school – and good luck.

When American acquaintances mispronounce your name – even after you’ve just said it – feel free to do a bit of friendly coaching: “Actually, it’s ‘pop-OFF’,” or “I really prefer ‘ta-MA-ra’.” But don’t expect quick or lasting results. Remember, Americans love Maria Sharapova – and they’ve been calling her Sha-ra-PO-va for at least a decade.

5. Salad is a better metaphor than melting pot.

The names Kareem Shabazz and Guadalupe Del Rio are “as American” as John Smith. Kareem and Esperanza will assume you know this – and perhaps be a tad miffed to hear otherwise. Recall the scene from the award-winning film “The Deer Hunter,” where an army doctor looks at the hospital chart of a wounded American and dimly inquires, “Nikanor Chevotarevich… is that a Russian name?” The soldier’s response is immediate and forceful: “It’s an American name.”

When talking about the background and ethnicity of people’s names, avoid phrases like “very American” or “more American-sounding.” After all, nobody could be more American than the president of the United States – and his middle name is Hussein.

OK, now go meet ‘n’ greet America’s “funny name” brigades. And if Mark Twain happens to come up, tell them you loved Tom Sawyer.

Way, way OT: Bored by commencement speeches? Try this.

Titov — Fri, 22 May 2009 19:39:25 -0000

The spring semester is drawing to a close and once again, inexplicably, I have not been invited to give the commencement address at Moscow University’s graduation ceremonies.

Baffling, isn’t it? Especially in these belt-tightening times, when I represent a considerable saving: I am willing to offer a special Crisis Discount on my honorarium. Come to that, I am not above barter.

Perhaps the university trustees have left me sitting by the phone again because they recall inviting another American celebrity to speak at commencement some years back. On May 31, 1988, retired actor Ronald Reagan offered the university’s new graduates a healthy 1700-word dose of homespun American wisdom and avuncular advice. The speech was as well received as it was delivered – but the Soviet Union went kablooey soon thereafter, possibly leaving a residue of cause-and-effect sentiment at the faculty club.

Or maybe they’re concerned that my appearance could cause controversy, like Barack Obama’s earlier this month: first Arizona State University resisted giving the president an honorary degree (until he made up several honorary incompletes, apparently); then demonstrators massed at Notre Dame, where the prestigious Department of Football Studies took exception to Obama’s unapologetic pro-basketball position.

Moscow U. can relax: I don’t want any more degrees and carry truly strong sports feelings only about the sham of disguising boxers in hockey uniforms. And I offer total transparency: here’s the draft of an address I’ll read word-for-word at the ceremony unless someone texts me halfway through about a sudden change in my visa status. OK, ahem:

“Esteemed new graduates! I am honored to stand before you on this great occasion, and before a buffet luncheon which may prove even greater. But bear with me.

That so many are receiving diplomas here today suggests that last winter’s Shuvalov Proposal – to intern all college students on campus until the end of the economic crisis and pocket their unemployment benefits – has not found favor with the majority of you. I say – bravo. Those indolent seniors who like the idea of attending the University of Indefinite Internment are presumably having lunch in the main cafeteria as we speak, and I pity them on both counts.

But really, what words of wisdom can I – a crusty, chalk-throwing, still-unbribed-but-definitely-interested old warhorse of an English teacher – what useful advice can this Mr. Chips with attitude impart to you, a generation of cyber-weaned nonreaders all too ready to mock a visiting professor struggling with complicated computer-based instructional technology in the classroom? Plenty, that’s what.

Tomorrow you will carry your hard-earned “sheepskins” beyond these hallowed halls into a brave new world of unparalleled challenges, golden opportunities and clichés yet undreamed of even by your humble speaker, whose pending application for a work visa represents a unique chance to reset and improve Russian-American relations at one go. Surely that is food for thought – and I don’t mean from the cafeteria, either!

Thank you, thank you – but I didn’t come here to make you laugh. You have a Ministry of Finance for that. No, today is a serious occasion: your precious diplomas, much more than those sold in Metro stations, signal a new beginning for a tide of youth whose gaze extends beyond the yawning heights of Eurovision to a shining future eternally receding with the vast horizon. I say go forward, you citizens of tomorrow, to dream the impossible dream – and see where it gets you!

I’d like to close by quoting two great Americans, neither of whom took three-hour naps at work or is mistakenly credited with winning the Cold War. Columnist Art Buchwald once told a group of smiling graduates much like yourselves but with better teeth, ‘We’ve left you a perfect world – don’t louse it up!’ Hear-hear! And the baseball-playing philosopher Yogi Berra later added, ‘When you come to a fork in the road, take it.’ Yes, graduation is a defining turn on this Great Road of Life – and it’s time to fork off, the lot of you.”

Hmm, perhaps I’m still a bit on edge. Anyway, it’s only a draft, suggestions are welcome. And if you’re Igor Shuvalov, I’ll take your name out in a heartbeat for some help with the visa.

Several Severe Sunday Stangenesses

Titov — Mon, 18 May 2009 12:34:45 -0000

Not in our game, of course. We had another Orioles Classic Loss (1998-2009; collect the whole set), a game which proved that if winning is nice, low-end mediocrity is forever-- and hey, we like the security of a long-term arrangement. Or something. Oh, what's the use of expending extra words on this little mess? It was the usual Oriole auto de fe, of which we own the Mercedes Benz franchise.

No, the strangenesses were elsewhere-- and man, were they strange.

(1) The Rayz somehow failed to submit a legal batting order [!], forcing them to play National Punk League baseball all afternoon, and without their best player. Yes, Longoria, who was supposed to DH, got himself banned because, um, somebody couldn't count, couldn't write or both. Maybe it was a loaded Magic Marker.

So Sonnanstine had to bat-- and got a hit, driving in a run! He didn't pitch that well, but picked up a W in any case. And since the team won, today's warm-up drills for the Rayz may NOT include penmanship and arithmetic exercises after all.

(2) I hadn't heard of a line-up card abortion like the above since reading about one in the puzzle book So You Think You Know Baseball. And many of the cases there are drawn from minor league incidents and/or theoreticals dreamed up over hot stoves. Anyway, yesterday's other strangeness was just as jaw-dropping, and eminently non-theoretical.

Tie game, bottom of the 9th, man on 2nd, one down. Ground ball to the mound, pitcher knocks it down, catcher fields, looks to first, sees no play. Infield hit, right?, putting the winning run on 3rd with less than 2 out, a routine GWRBI chance for the next batter. But no-o-o-o-o...

The on-base runner , Brett Gardner, decides to SCORE FROM SECOND ON A GROUND BALL FIELDED BY THE CATCHER.

Sure, it took a great diving tag by Mauer to put him out, but basically-- WTF was Gardner THINKING? Sort of "The hell with this runner- on-third-with-less-than-two-outs sh*t, that's for wussies. I wanna Win The Game All By Myself! That's why I'm a Yerkee, dammit!! Grrrr! OK, here I g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!! Holy crap, I'm out?!?"

It's really, really unfortunate that Johnny Dipstick's walk-off saved Gardner's stupid arse from the ignominy he/it deserved. But that's baseball.

Stra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ange Brew, all right.

p.s. The only thing worse than watching the Yerkees win is watching them celebrate it. We're in May, of course, so let's all jump up and down for 5 minutes a la Game 7 of the WS, then let's shaving cream the hero for national TV and generally act like we're The Most Storied Franchise Run By Morons In The History of Professional Sports. I wonder how many bottles of champagne they went through...

Welp, we'll have a chance to Yerk their chain starting Tuesday. Go O's!

Orioles FO officially responds to Manny, A*Clod and other substance abuse cases

Titov — Sat, 09 May 2009 12:35:08 -0000

via assets.comics.com

Well, we got rid of "disgruntled Ryan Freel," who is now presumably nicely gruntled in Chicago. To the obvious question-- Who the heck is Gathright?-- here ya go from The Sun:

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/baseball/bal-sp.osnotes09may09,0,459041.story

"Gathright, 28, known for his speed and athleticism, was 3-for-14 with the Cubs this season after batting .254 with 21 steals for KC last year. In parts of six major league seasons, Gathright has a .262 career average and 79 steals."

There's good news on Sir Fartay (same source): "An angiogram taken Friday to determine the cause of numbness in Dennis Sarfate's right, pitching hand revealed no serious concerns, though the reliever still will be shut down from pitching for at least a month and from all exercises for the next week.

"He has a stretch injury in his finger, something to do with the artery in his middle finger, but all of the other stuff, he's fine," Orioles manager Dave Trembley said. "Obviously, he's not going to be available for us for a while, but the good news is it's not career-threatening."

FInally, last night saw one of those either/or predictions come true, dammit: it was CC who turned things around. Guts, it must be said, pitched a vintage Guts game, i.e one bad inning early, then a commendable outing, racking up a QS...and a loss. Sh*t.

That said, I like our chances tonight, what with Adam Eaton on the mound. Of course, I liked the Hindenburg's chances, too. Yep, by the 3rd or 4th, somebody in the press box is probably going to be wailing "Oh, the humanity."

Never mind, we'll get 'em. Go O's!

RIP Dom DiMaggio (1917-2009)

Titov — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:11:50 -0000

An excellent player (seven-time All Star) and one of the game's real gentlemen, Dom should be in the Hall, many people feel. Beyond that, I think my favorite moment from the Halberstam bestseller was learning that one of Ted Williams' most frequent cries in the outfield was "You got it, Dommie, you got it!"

The AP story:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090508/ap_on_sp_ba_ne/bbo_obit_dom_dimaggio

"While Dom did not have the offensive numbers of Joe, he was generally regarded as a better defensive player with a stronger arm. The younger DiMaggio led the American League in assists three times, putouts twice and double plays twice.

He was a career .298 hitter with 87 home runs, while Joe was a .325 career hitter with 361 homers. Dom's baseball career was interrupted for three years (1943-45) by World War II when he served in the Navy, a military obligation that may have cost him induction into the Hall of Fame, Doerr once said.

DiMaggio and Pesky "were really penalized for that, and I think it was kind of a shame in a way because when you look, they have the numbers," Doerr said in August 2007 during an appearance at Fenway Park. "

OT for Caps fans: Damn Russian names!

Titov — Mon, 04 May 2009 16:24:17 -0000

Capitals Insider

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/capitalsinsider/

Semyon, Syoma, Sasha: A Russian Lesson

Today's guide to Russian pronunciations and nicknames is brought to you by Slava Malamud of Sport-Express:

Quickly now, is anyone's head swimming yet with all the spoken versions of the Caps' Russian goalie's name? Have you found yourself suddenly irritated by an ESPN announcer's insistence on accenting the first syllable despite the fact that you yourself were perfectly happy with this pronunciation just a few short weeks ago? Anyone Wikipedia-ing that crazy "e-umlaut" letter already? I feel your pain, comrades. Well, not really, but I try.

I know, I know, there used to be a better, simpler time. A time when Russia was something huge and scary, far, far away. A time when its language could be easily rendered in movies by a series of hissing and growling sounds. A time when its citizens were exposed only in the form of cute TV characters who made empty promises to bury capitalism and break comically inept Italian-American boxers. You could call them whatever the hell you wanted back then: Colonel Danko, Major Revko, Private Gregor Samsa -- it was all good.

But now, alas, is a different time. What with five Russian players busy turning Washington into a new (if a rather befuddled and reluctant) Hockeytown, USA, and a man in the White House whose daughter is named Sasha, the time may be now to get this thing sorted out, don't you think? Well, I am here to help. Let's get to it.

And as our first order of business, we shall reiterate for the last and final time: Semyon Varlamov (sem-YON var-LA-mov). Repeat it, learn it and when you meet someone who mispronounces it, have their Caps fan membership revoked instantly.

Well, at least Varly's becoming a "Simeon" cannot be blamed on geographically-challenged Americans. It was actually the Russian passport officials' fault. They had issued him a passport where his name was improperly transliterated as Semen. This had caused a few happy moments among the Hershey media corps until Varly's agent asked the Caps to change it to Simeon. In Russia, however, Simeon is a very obsolete, very biblical name. Varlamov has already stated that he wants to go with Semyon (his actual name) next year.

This, of course, isn't the only thing he can be called. A Russian diminutive for Semyon is Syoma, and he will gladly answer to that. The problem is, he won't be the only Caps player to do so, as Syoma is also what Alexander Semin is called by his Russian teammates. In his case, it is derived from his last name, which actually means "son of Semyon." Sort of like Brent Johnson being called Johnny, you see.

And, of course, this would be a perfect time to mention that Semin's last name is actually Syomin. Yes, SYO-min, that is how it is pronounced. When you say it SEH-min, you actually get something close to what "semen" is in Russian. Exciting, isn't it? We will chalk this one up to yet another mishap by the Russian passport service.

You can sidestep the whole thing by calling Varlamov Senya (which is another, folksier, diminutive for Semyon and something his father actually calls him) and calling Semin Sasha. Sasha, however, will also get you a reply from Alex Ovechkin as it is simply a Russian nickname for Alexander.

Yes, there are two Sashas on the Caps roster -- What are you going to do? If you are still feeling frisky enough after absorbing all this you can also call them Shurik, which is a slangish, more familiar way to call an Alexander. As far as I know, Ovechkin at least will respond to it. He will also respond to Ovtsa, if only by thumping you over the head.

Ovtsa is Russian for "sheep" and the name Ovechkin derives from the word ovechka, which means "little lamb." (Oh no, have I just given Pens fans some info they could do without?) Alex is perfectly fine with being called Sheep as long is it is his teammates who are doing the calling. He has had this nickname throughout his hockey career. And "Sheep happens," I guess, is something that opposing goalies have meanwhile been telling themselves.

Would it be too much to add that it is actually FYO-doh-rov and kaz-LOAF and not FEH-doh-rov and KOSS-loff? It would? Well then, let's just agree that anyone who still spells "Federov" should be forcibly exiled to Pittsburgh in 24 hours' time.

Here is wishing you a very happy Victory Day (May 9, celebrating our kicking of Hitler's you-know-what), your very own Russian expert Slava "No, You Can't Call Me SLAVE-AH" Malamud. Until next time!

Voting for 1st Month MLB MVP

Titov — Mon, 04 May 2009 11:57:09 -0000

Do it here, so to speak:

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/BLS-poll-So-who-s-your-MVP-for-the-season-s-fi?urn=mlb,160644

Not surprisingly, A. Pujols is leading. He's pretty good. In fact, I think he could play regularly in the American League.

Anybody wanna vote for a 1st Month MBP? Y'axe me, there have been some fine months by individual Birds, but we're at such a low ebb at the moment that I find it hard to get excited over this, which is, of course, exactly what SHE sa...oh, forget it.

In other fill-up-the-minimum-word-requirement news, there's an all points Major Media Feeding Frenzy Alert, as today begins the season's first Crooshul See-rees pitting Tito and the Dimsox vs. The Most Storied Franchise in Professional Sports Run by Jerks. The former are hot, having just swept 1 outta 4 from their FLA daddy, which is just about to spank our arses, too.

Yes, we invade The Trop tonight, and judging by yesterday's coverage of the Sawx game there, the locals stil haven't invested in a couple large cans of green spray paint to make the rug look, well, less like a rug on TV, at least. I remember last year a visiting Rays fan, outraged that anyone could critizice their venue, asked me on this site whether I'd actually *been* to The Trop-- to which I somehow resisted replying "Do you actually have color TV? Have you looked at your field on ithe screen? If you're going to insist on having your fine team play on a pool table, you could at least make the felt *green* so we can share the illusion." I wonder if the new-stadium bond issue is alive again...

Anyway, if the guy comes back, I won't hesitate this time. Go O's!

OT: Conculding our discussion of the 2008 NCAA Football Champeenship

Titov — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:06:12 -0000

we can say a nice Thanks to the NFL draft, in which dimbulb sportswriters obsessed with the SEC, the Big 10, the Fabulous Longhorns, the...well, with anything, actually... have input only as spectators. Same with self-serving college coaches whose focus remains adamantly on promoting the media value of non-Left Coast teams on their schedule through 2025 or something. When you are hiring people for actual work, you run their actual numbers rather than "evaluate" what has been written or said about them by people who need to attract audiences, sell advertising and so on.

So, we return to our four finalists for the NCAA Champeenship. Who had the best players in terms of their testable virtues and potential value in the sport (NFL f'ball)that most closely resembles the one they've been playing? In the first two days of the draft, we see the following teams provide the following numbers of draftees:

Florida 3; Texas 4; Utah 5; and USC...11.

No, this doesn't "prove" anything. It doesn't have to, speaking eloquently for itself as a measurement of one senior (or final) class. But talk about inidicative...

The annual cliche is true: SC doesn't recruit, it reloads. It gets most of the greater LA h.s. talent it wants, draws very well in the Valley and NorCal (as with the lamentable OJ), pulls in inordinate numbers of Islanders (hence the nickname USLA, for Univeristy of Samoa at Los Angeles) plus the annual smattering of mega-talented kids from Flyover Land who are USC obsessed from bowl results, Heissman winners and so on.

It's discouraging for conference rivals to watch, of course -- but you have to respect USC's program, and it makes life all the sweeter when you can actually beat them, which does happen ocasionally (even by a 41 point underdog!). In any case, watching "experts" from the press and coaches who don't have to play them vote the '08 version of this continuum second, third or even fourth best in the country is pretty amusing. Ch'-yeah, ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight....

Rare 'four-out play' helps Dodgers down Diamondbacks

Titov — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:55:42 -0000

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Rare-four-out-play-helps-Dodgers-down-Diamondb?urn=mlb,155380

This *is* rare, but not, like, y'know, finding an icthysaur in your fire pond or something. I remember Boswell writing about a 4-out play in a minor league game, and there was one described (OK, perhaps theoretically) in "So You Think You Know Baseball"-- a book from my childhood with various challenging brainteasers (some of which, I remember reading, stumped manager Ted Williams-- never a great man for hypotheticals, I guess).

Anyway, to fill out the minimum word rule here, allow me to mention that the comments after the Yahoo story linked above are perhaps the worst example I have seen this month of 12 year olds with too much time on their hands and access to the internet, a really unfortunate combination.

MLB ready to celebrate Jackie Robinson Day: All uniformed personnel asked to wear No. 42

Titov — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:39:21 -0000

http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20090413&content_id=4246882&vkey=news_mlb&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb

While I think this is a great idea-- for once PC Bud and I agree, which is almost scary -- what would be a nice complement to it is a brief ceremony on Wednesday at Cooperstown during which the snuck-in-through-the-back-door bust of Enos "Country" Slaughter is quietly removed.

Yeah, *that* Enos Slaughter-- the one who has no statistical claim to HoF status, having led his league in one [1] major offensive category one [1] time and who was pointedly not voted in for 5 consecutive years, until his eligibility died its natural death...only to be resuscitated and indeed magically exaggerated into Hall-worthy status by the Cronies Committee (aka "Veterans") in 1985, which dragged Slaughter in against both the express will of those job it was to select HoF members and of the overwhelming majority of fandom as well. A neat (dirty) trick, but a really ugly episode for the defenseless HoF.

Why would it be especially good to do this Wednesday? See, ol' Country tried to organize a boycott of Jackie Robinson by white players in 1947. A bad thing, you'll agree-- but not completely incomprehensible in a country that still segregated its armed forces, for example.

But no, that wasn't enough for Enos: after the boycott failed, Robinson went to the HoF and Slaughter sought to join him there (on what basis is unclear-- best brawler?), instead of apologizing, Enos lied about what happened, claiming he hadn't tried to start a boycott at all-- when a simple "I regret what I did" would have helped everybody, and especially him, put that ugliness behind us. But Slaughter lacked the integrity for that.

Even a selective and highly sanitized account of ol' Enos-- as thorough a "Wiki-whitewash" as you're likely to see-- leaves him "the dirtiest player in the league."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enos_Slaughter

In short, everyone would be just a bit better off if the HoF did the right thing Wednesday. It won't, of course, but one day...