Are you as outraged as the Pittsburgh sports media and I are about the recent interview Frank Coonelly gave with pirateprospects.com? Why last night on the KDKA sports show Paul Zeise nearly had an stroke he was so mad at Frank Coonelly's comments. And who better to comment on a baseball team than a college football beat writer who was twice in a month behind everyone on his own team's coaching search? No one that's who. You should be outraged too, but I can't believe people are only talking about one part of the interview when Frank said outrageous things throughout. Using patent pending "Context Removing Technology" you can see that Frank Coonelly knows nothing about anything

Kevin Creagh: For our readers that may not be familiar, can you explain your day-to-day responsibilities as President?

 

Frank Coonelly: Great question, and one that I am asked often. I am responsible for getting the right people in the positions of leadership

Here he admits to not wanting to lead the team, and that he hires other people to do it for him. What's wrong Frank? Are you and Bob Nutting too busy lighting puppies on fire with thousand dollar bills?

Kevin: How often are the Pirates approached by someone or some entity in becoming a minority partner?

 

Frank: It happens a fair amount but our current partners are committed to seeing this team return to the glory that we once enjoyed.

Glory!? He used to word "glory" to describe the Pirates?! Is he not aware that the Pirates are in fact a bad team, and have been for the entire 18 years he and Bob Nutting have been in charge? He is forbidden from using the word "glory" and is banned from renting any movie with Glory in the title. It's a huge blow since Frank's a huge Matthew Broderick fan, but only movies where Broderick has facial hair.

Kevin: Please explain the process that occurs when Neal Huntington wants to add a player in a trade, the draft, or during the international signing period that may cause those respective budgets to be exceeded.

 

Frank: The first thing that is done is to set....... our Major League payroll budget........ at levels that we believe ....... will..... make...... Bob Nutting....... investments. (H)e will approve.

Holy crap! While the sentence structure seems odd, most likely because he had just finished smoking crack with Neo-Nazis, here Coonelly admits that Bob Nutting uses the Pirates to make other investments! I'll get the SEC on the phone immediately. Nick Saban will surely make them pay for their financial misdeeds

Kevin: Conversely, explain the process and conversation that occurs when Neal wants to trade a fan favorite player, such as McLouth or Bay.

 

Frank: A very similar process takes place here.  We trust Neal’s judgment ........when making .......a decision...... that will..........not be popular.

The Pirates front office hates the fans!

Kevin: Dan Fox and the rest of the statistical staff have developed their own in-house, propriatary defensive rating systems.  How do those results compare to the "off-the-shelf" defensive metrics such as Ultimate Zone Rating and Total Zone?

 

Frank: The answer to that question ...... a (poor) attempt at....... analysis

Here Frank admits to using only the worst methods at analyzing a player's defensive ability.

Kevin: Is the compensation system broken when a team like the Tampa Bay Rays gets 11 picks in the first 75 selections of the 2011 draft, while the Pirates get 1?

 

Frank: We need to reduce the ........selections so that...... it is difficult for the draft to serve its purpose.

This is really something; here Mr. Coonelly calls for a reduction of the draft so that the Pirates have no way of possibly getting any good players, most likely so they don't have to pay anyone above a minor league contract. Does his evil know no bounds?

Kevin: Would the Pirates be able to afford a $70M to $80M payroll, in present-day worth, if this current group of players were competitive enough to merit additional outside free agents?

 

Frank: Today, no but we will be able to support that payroll very soon if our fans believe that we now have a group of players in Pittsburgh and on its way here in the near future that is competitive.  We need to take a meaningful step forward in terms of attendance to reach that payroll number while continuing to invest heavily in our future but I am convinced that the attendance will move quickly once we convince our fans that we are on the right track.

Hmm, I can't see anyone having a problem with this. I mean it's only common sense.

Kevin: Without discussing any specific players, how much of a player do you need to see before you consider offering them a long term extension?

 

Frank: Great question and not an easy one. 

Oh really? Well Mr. Too Cheap To Extend Anyone, as any good fan knows you should sign anyone who's ever had a good season. And they should be signed for double the money they're asking for, just because the thought of Bob Nutting actually making money makes Roberto Clemente's ghost vomit.

Kevin: Would you like to highlight the work being done by a front office member that the public may not be as familiar with? (Not NH, Kyle Stark, or Greg Smith)

 

Frank: As your question correctly suggests, that means that .....  we are trying to ....... generate the revenues ..... in a safe environment

Ooooooohhhhh that sentence just burns me up!!!!!!! It doesn't even answer the question! They just love to brag about spending OUR money on gold monkeys and exotic socks.

Kevin: Would you care to share how you relax and spend your free time?

 

Frank: Sure, I do....... (inexplicably bad)...... things outdoors. 

My guess: Baby grilling. Live or dead it doesn't matter, but he does enjoy the mews the live ones make when you flip them over.

Dark? Maybe, but also allegedly maybe true in a non-libelous way.Thank you 1st amendment!

Now maybe you’ll be able to feel the outrage I do.

With all of the hoopla over the Super Bowl, Egypt, and the comeback of Beavis and Butthead, a pretty big occasion is being overlooked: This is going to be the ten-year anniversary of the opening of PNC Park. Most normal franchises would be making a huge deal out of this, complete with a nice compilation of great moments from the previous ten seasons that occurred in their park. The Pirates, however, are not a normal franchise, as most of you may have noticed. The great moments have been few and far between the past ten years. No perfect games, no playoff wins. Being the helpful fan that I am, I’ve decided to help the Pirates choose the best moments from the first decade of PNC Park - some of which may or may not have actually happened.

10. 2005 - To commemorate the 35th anniversary of Dock Ellis’ LSD no-hitter, the Pirates supply starting pitcher Kip Wells with some LSD tablets of his own. Unfortunately, he is unable to make his scheduled start as the sight of fellow pitcher Tom Gorzelanny while on acid caused uncontrollable screaming for 72 straight hours.

9. 2008 - To prove the point that he wouldn’t be trading away the 1927 Yankees if a fire-sale was initiated, GM Neal Huntington schedules a spring exhibition game at PNC Park with a freshly exhumed 1927 Yankees squad. The Pirates lose, 8-1.

8. 2010 – Lacking anything else to commemorate, the Pirates celebrate the tenth straight season of no grizzly bear attacks at PNC Park.

7. 2004 – During a double-header, Rob Mackowiak hits a walk-off grand slam and game-tying home run on the same day his son is born. Inspired, Ryan Vogelsong decides to give up a home run for each of his six children in his next start.

6. 2007 – After the failed acquisitions of Derek Bell, Raul Mondesi, Matt Lawton, and Jeromy Burnitz, the Pirates try historic “No right fielder” line-up. No one notices the difference.

5. 2006 – Freddy Sanchez wins the National League batting title. While excited for his accomplishment, even he later admits that the huge post-game ceremony, which featured a parade of elephants and a virgin sacrifice, was “a bit much.”

4. 2006 – In an effort to make sure their worthy players play in the All Star game at PNC Park, the Pirates mount an epic ballot stuffing campaign for Jason Bay and Freddy Sanchez. The plan works too well as Bay and Sanchez not only are elected to the All Star game, but are crowned king and queen of the North Allegheny HS Senior Prom.

3. 2002 – In a universally-praised move, the Pirates announce a trade for All-Star pitcher Matt Morris in a press conference held at PNC Park. However, due to a paperwork snafu, they cannot legally finalize the trade for another five years.

2. 2009 – The Pirates set the professional sports record for consecutive losing seasons. They commemorate the occasion with a banner that says “Look out Prairie View A&M, you’re next.”

1. 2001 – Willie Stargell, easily the most beloved living Pirate alum, dies the day of PNC Park’s opening. This is the top moment because it defines the Pirates perfectly.

Hi all. We're getting into the dregs of another horrible season. So to break up the monotony I'm going to share with you a skill I have: I can predict things. And I can also rip off gimmicks from TV shows that have been off the air for almost 20 years, but I digress.

I have in front of me a series of envelopes with Pirates related questions or statements written on them. They have been hermetically sealed and kept in with John Russell's 5 Hour Energy supply, so you know they haven't been touched in years. I will "divine" the answers from each envelope before ever even seeing the questions. Helping me will be the always helpful ghost of Ed McMahon. Let's get this started, first envelope please Ed

*Puts envelope to forehead*

Breaking Bad

*Rips open envelope*

Describe Lastings Milledge's defense

Ed: Hey-o!

May your sister meet Pokey Reese while she's ovulating

Ed: Haw, haw!

May you be subjected to a John Russell stand-up comedy performance

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

2+2=5, TV's Bobby Hill, Andrew McCutchen's shoulder

*Rips open envelope*

Name three things that aren't right

Ed: You are correct sir!

May Bob Smizik become your hair-dresser

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

A bagel shop, Lex, Jose Tabata's ex-wife

*rips open envelope*

Name a Bruegger, a Luger, and a cougar

Nothing this time Ed?

Ed: No, I'm... too drunk

Well may the bluebird of happiness suck for you and then hit 50 home runs for someone else.

Time for the next envelope *Puts next envelope to forehead*

Sharon Stone

*rips open envelope*

What do you call it when Pedro Alvarez and Ryan Doumit swap gloves?

Ed: Hey-o!

I thought you were drunk

Ed: It's just reflex at this point, haw haw!

May Mark Madden corner you to talk about hockey after not showering for 5 days

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

Bowl haircut

*rips open envelope*

What's Andrew Lambo's list of things to do on days he's feeling shaggy?

Ed has passed out, so we'll just speed through these last couple

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

Ron White, Don Rickles in Toy Story, a Charlie Morton pitch

*rips open envelope*

Name three taters

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

Nathan Adcock

*rips open envelope*

What does Nathan Lane hear every night in his bedroom?

Aaaand on that note Ed has awoken, gotten offended, and flown back up to heaven, and we're also out of envelopes.

PS, this is what happens when you have a job where you don't have enough to do