SB Nation User Blog: Turkmenbashi

Parallel Universe NBA Finals Game 3: Open Thread

Turkmenbashi — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 23:32:40 -0000

It's Orlando's turn to take a beating

The Parallel Purple People Eaters head down to the Magic Kingdom to do some Darlin' stomping tonight. Meanwhile, the Cavs look to take a 3-0 lead in the Real Finals.*

On a more serious note, it looks like Orlando's luck has finally run out. After being utterly dominated in Game 1, the small things stopped going their way in Game 2 and they managed to lose to a Lakers team that looked like they hardly wanted to play. It's likely they can take at least one game in Orlando, but is there anyone on the planet at this point that thinks Cleveland/LA wouldn't have been a better Finals matchup? I'm not saying we'd have won, but the Magic are starting to look like they played about their heads to get here.

*On a super sad note, I actually planned a long weekend trip to Cleveland this weekend in anticipation of at least catching a Finals game. I may not be too active on here starting tomorrow, but suffice it to say I'll have more time on my hands, sadly

Is it November yet?

Parallel Universe NBA Finals Game 2: Open Thread

Turkmenbashi — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:17:13 -0000

More photos » by Mark J. Terrill - AP

I have no idea what's going on here, but it looks creepy

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Apologies for the late Game Thread... if anyone's interested anyway.

Anyway, Parallel LA leads the series 1-0 after a dominant performance in Game 1. Will the Darlings even things up, or continue to prove they were just on a a ridiculous hot streak against the Cavs and have now reverted to what everyone knew they were?

Meanwhile, the Cavs lead the real Finals 1-0 and look to take down a Lakers team sans Kobe after his double technical in Game 1.

Tiger Woods Likes Sportsmanship, Unlike LeBron!

Turkmenbashi — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 04:34:02 -0000

Tiger Woods Likes Sportsmanship, Unlike LeBron!

Is there any reason for this article to exist, or for this question to have ever been asked of Tiger? This is why mainstream sports media is atrocious. FIGHT THE POWER!

LeBron fined for "snubbing" the media

Turkmenbashi — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 00:37:56 -0000

LeBron fined for "snubbing" the media

Stern takes back his word and decides to fine The King. As if we haven't already built the Rocky Mountains out of a molehill, let's re-open the floodgates!

Parallel Universe NBA Finals Game 1: Open Thread

Turkmenbashi — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 23:58:48 -0000

Superman and Other Turk look to cook The Beef and Paul Gaso (I borrowed the "L" from his last name) in some strange facsimile of the real NBA Finals. Discussion welcome.

Oh, and if anyone knows where I can find a broadcast of the real game, send me a discreet e-mail...

Cavaliers Oust Magic; Parallel Universe NBA Finals to Tip Off Tomorrow

Turkmenbashi — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 01:31:41 -0000

More photos » by Jack Dempsey - AP

In the parallel universe, Beef tastes like chicken

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As we're all aware by now, the Horsemen of the Basketball Apocalypse overcame near impossible odds and dispatched Orlando's Disney Darlings in an epic Game 7 showdown this past Monday. LeBron James was in full Kerosene mode, dropping 50/13/12 while Bizarro Howard fouled out with ten minutes to go in the third quarter. The NBA Finals are scheduled to start tomorrow night at the Q, with our Cavs firing on all cylinders and looking to take down the Purple People Eaters of LA.

Problem is, no one seems to be covering the Finals this year.

Everywhere I look, I see coverage of a Magic/Lakers Finals. Is this a joke? Some kind of conspiracy, denying Clevelanders the chance to watch the Cavs deliver a title? Nope. Apparently,everyone has fallen victim to the latest technological craze (I can't explain it, but I think it has something to do with Twitter) that allows media outlets to tap into parallel universes. Figures. We waltz into the playoff with the best team in the league, all but guaranteed a championship, and ESPN is denying us the right to watch the festivities. Oh well, it's pretty obvious we're going to sweep the whole thing. Everybody knows we're damn near unstoppable. This is just another example of everyone hating our terrible, cursed city. So given the unfortunate turn of events, I guess we might as well take a look at the televised series while we're waiting for the parade down Euclid Ave.

The Parallel Magic will head into the Parallel Staples Center tomorrow night looking to take down Parallel Kobe Bryant who, in this universe, is apparently not an arrogant whiner who can't win championships without Shaq. I predict Bizarro (Dwight "Superman" Howard in this universe) and crew are going to face tougher competition against Parallel LA's longer, more athletic bigs and deep bench.

Parallel Lakers in 6.

Poll

Who ya got?

Disney Darlings

57 votes

Purple People Eaters

55 votes

I can't figure out how to get the parallel universe broadcasts

47 votes

159 votes | Poll has closed

The (sort of) Morning After: Bleeding Me

Turkmenbashi — Sun, 31 May 2009 15:35:27 -0000

More photos » by Phelan M. Ebenhack - AP

Enjoy it while it lasts, Darlings. The Horsemen will ride again.

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I want to apologize for posting so late. I didn't want to write anything about last night's loss. I thought that if I slept just a little longer, put it off for a few more hours, I could pretend I don't have to wait until next April to see our Horsemen riding into the playoffs again. The crushing finality of it all will set in when I hit "publish," and I didn't think I could bear it. Over the course of these playoffs, however, nothing has been more cathartic than bleeding out my emotions onto these internet pages, so I hope you'll all bear with me for a bit.

Last night, we watched our team -- the best Cavaliers team in franchise history, a team that set record after record and swaggered into the playoffs armed with the league MVP and greatest player on the planet -- get demolished by an upstart Orlando team. It doesn't make sense. Everything seemed to be going our way. Chemistry had never been better, we had seemingly found the perfect compliment to LeBron, half-court buzzer-beaters were dropping in our favor on what felt like a regular basis. This wasn't 2007, when we were just astounded and happy to be there in the Finals. This was our year, and we wouldn't settle for anything less than a title.

But some happened. We failed. We lost. The more time that passes and the more I think things over, however, one ultimate truth keeps floating to the top of my tumultuous sea of thoughts:

We got this.

And I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Now before you all crucify me, realize I'm not being smug or ironic here. I'm not trying to rub salt in the wounds. I'm dead serious.

Take a deep breath and reflect on all that we bore witness to this year. The accomplishments are staggering. Does that make up for losing out on a chance to win a ring? Of course not. But these things are not to be discounted. Furthermore, I've always been a big believer in the notion that sports are bigger than just the games they appear to be. There are bigger issues at stake here than whether or not we won the NBA title.

I urge you all to read fwembt's open letter and take heed of his words. There is no curse, there is no world-wide conspiracy against the city or its sports teams and fans. Cleveland used to be great, a world class city. But something happened. We lost our swagger, and it all spiraled out of control. I'm imploring you all -- never lose your swagger. Never -- even in the face of taunting from opposing fans or derogatory remarks from people in other cities -- never let the hard times get you down. Just smile and laugh it off. You're Cleveland sports fans, dammit, and that makes you all some of the toughest people on the planet. If we truly want to get through the adversity and succeed, then we will need every ounce of positive emotion you can muster, every day of your life. I don't care how trite you think that sounds; the bottom line is that negativity we never get us anything. Wallowing in sorrow will never help. Ever.

Know also that I'm not a believer in sugarcoating things. I'm absolutely devastated by the events that transpired, and you all have reason to be too. It hurts like hell; my God does it hurt. So over the offeseason, everyone here at FTS is going to take a long, hard look at what needs to be done to get us back here again next year, and we're not going to spare any criticism. We are, however, going to be realists. We don't believe in curses.

So when I say "we got this," I don't necessarily mean next year, or even the year after. But by God, it will happen. And when it does, it's going to be like nothing you've ever experienced. So please, keep that hope alive, spread the optimism, and never, never lose that swagger.

We will ride on, I guarantee you that.

The (sort of) Morning After: Fighting Fire with Fire

Turkmenbashi — Fri, 29 May 2009 13:59:14 -0000

Before I get into my spiel, I just need to get something off my chest:

I told you so. All of you. We got this.

Now that that's out of the way, let's take a look at the Horsemen's glorious victory. Last night saw the fruition of a plan we've been executing well the past few games to unexpectedly poor results. No matter how much you'll hear about LeBron having been the only factor in this game, the truth is that what we've been doing all series long finally started working. We drove, kicked, shot, finished and swarmed on defense. We even pushed "Superman" to foul out of the game with more than two minutes to play. Though the Darlings again deleted a seemingly insurmountable lead, the Horsemen never backed down; we fought back until we emerged the clear victors.

How? Because we finally decided to fight fire with fire. Fortunately, we're always packing an industrial sized barrel of triple-double kerosene named LeBron.

The Barkleys of the world would have you concerned about LeBron's performance:

It's not sustainable!

I've never seen a man be able to do that three games in a row!

Well guess what, Mound, you're wrong. Of course it's sustainable. LBJ has been doing this for the past five games. He's not the MVP for nothing. Oh, and where were you dolts crying about how the Magic should be worried about Rafer Alston's unsustainable shooting streak?

On that note, some telling numbers:

3pt Field Goals

R. Lewis:	1-5	Mo:	6-9
H. Turkoglu	2-5	Boobie:	3-4
R. Alston	1-7	Delonte:	0-2

What does this tell us? Again, the plan worked. It wasn't all LeBron. Particularly striking is Alston's 1-7 from behind the arc. The past two games gave him the confidence to chuck up seven treys. The Cavs didn't bite and instead stuck to their plan, knowing those past numbers were unsustainable.

Though LeBron deserves immense credit for fueling the fire, this game was a showcase for the shooters.

via skreened.com

Mo torched the net with a sizzling 6-9 and Boobie added brushfire to the flames. Delonte was cold in limited attempts from behind the arc but had a decent shooting game, along with Big Z. Mo was all over the place on D as well, and Andy turned in his usual crazy effort, despite some egregious flopping and fouling out. It was a total team effort, regardless of what you'll hear.

The task ahead of us remains arduous, but things are clicking into place. Now we ride on, swords and torches in hand, to burn and raze the Magic Kingdom on our path to victory. And just in case you're worried about the probability of winning a road-home series or winning three in a row, here are a some more numbers to placate you Negative Nancies:

In 2009, number of times winning road-home games with one day or fewer in between games: 8

In 2009, winning streaks > or = 3, in descending order:

13
11
8, twice (once in playoffs)
6
5, twice
4, three times
3

So in case you haven't been listening, I'll say it again: we got this.

We *will* ride on.

Game 5 4th Quarter Gamethread

Turkmenbashi — Fri, 29 May 2009 03:01:46 -0000

Game 5 Second Half Gamethread

Turkmenbashi — Fri, 29 May 2009 02:02:54 -0000

We're winning. And I don't just mean this game.