SB Nation User Blog: Ubernoober

The Hardcore MMA Fan Classification Project

Ubernoober — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 06:53:30 -0000

I am not a MMA fan. I am in fact a sociology professor from Harvard who has spent the last year researching this peculiar subset of sporting fans known as “Hardcores”. Like Jane Goodall with her chimpanzees, I have immersed myself in your society and taken notes as you formed tribes and threw feces at each other to gain dominance. Certain types of “Hardcore” fans tend to attach themselves to their favorite fighters and I have analyzed their tendencies in the body of this report.

“Brockus Brocklesnarus Lesnarus”

Habitat: Midwest United States

Height: 2m +

Mass: 105kg +

Mating Habits: None Observed

Habits: Breaking Prop Doors

Plumage: Dethklutch

Vocalization: MUR.

Notes: this subspecies can be found primarily defending steroid allegations, and fighting their only competitors, the Fedorianicans.

"Fedorianicanus Emilimencus"

Habitat: Western United States, Japan

Height: 1.6 to 1.9m

Mass: 80 to 90kg

Mating Habits: None Observed

Habits: Learning Russian Online

Plumage: Pride T-Shirt

Vocalization: Pride Never Die!

Notes: The Fedorianicanus Emilimencus is a fascinating subspecies that spends all waking hours coming up with reasons that their man is so good, that he doesn’t even have to fight to prove he’s #1.

"Ureaus Machidus"

Habitat: Eastern United States, Scrabble Clubs

Height: 1.5 to 1.6m

Mass: -70kg

Mating Habits: None Observed

Habits: Mastering the Crand Kick

Plumage: Anime Based

Vocalization: Just Wait! He’s the Best ever in the future!

Notes: The Ureaus Machidus routinely ingests urine to gain it’s ancient Chinese powers. This gives them the power to see into the future when all MMA is Shokotan Karate based and Lyoto Machida is God.

"Gorgeous Saintus Pierrus"

‘abiat: Quebec

‘eight: 1.7m

Mass: 66kg

Mating ‘abits: C'est tres bon, merci.

'abits: Grooming, always grooming

Plumage: Affliction

Vocalizations: Je ne fait pas bonne impression par toi performance.

Notes: extremely virile and good looking with French accents, few females can resist the charms of these Canadians

"Babus Jayus Pennus"

Habitat: Hawaii, Western United States

Height: 1.9 to 2.1m

Mass: 70kg in shape, 77kg out of shape

Mating Habits: None Observed

Habits: Chillaxing

Plumage: Coppertone

Vocalizations: GREASER!!!!!

Notes: This group was blessed with the best tools of any group, but prefers to play hacky sack.

"Brandus Suckus Veritas"

Habitat: Philippines

Mass: 81kg

Height: 1.83m

Mating Habits: None Observed

Habits: Writing Articles for Bloodyelbow

Plumage: Purple and Orange

Vocalizations: visit weoweoweo.deviantart.com! :D

Notes: This group is a critically endangered species, with only one remaining member. After November 15, it is expected to go extinct.

Poll

Is Anton going Canadian on November 15?

Yes, Canada all the way Baby!

34 votes

No, I hate fun.

39 votes

73 votes | Poll has closed

Don Frye on M-1: "You just ain’t got your [poo] together."

Ubernoober — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 19:15:17 -0000

Don Frye speaks, and he does not dissapoint! Fightlinker has the story.

“I didn’t drop out; I walked away,” Frye recently told MMAjunkie.com Radio (www.mmajunkie.com/radio). “I didn’t want to talk to anybody about this, but I’ll talk to you fellas because you’re my amigos.

“This is business that should be conducted between me and Joost, or Roost, whatever his name is. But he got on the internet and did a Dana White/Perez Hilton internet blog and started talking shit.”

“Here’s the deal: [The event] didn’t just move from L.A.,” Frye said. “It went from the Staples Center to the L.A. Convention Center. From the L.A. convention center to the Hilton in Las Vegas. From the Hilton in Las Vegas to an Indian casino on the Oklahoma-Texas border. From the Indian casino on the Oklahoma-Texas border to an Indian casino up in Tulsa, which is North Oklahoma. And from there up to Kansas City, Mo.

“So you know, after four or five times changing the venue, and then we asked [Raimond] ‘Hey, what are you doing for advertising? Are you sending a photographer out to Don’s house?’ He says, ‘No, we’re just going to use stock photos off the Internet.’”

With a complete lack of faith in the promoter, Frye said he made the difficult decision to walk away.

“So they don’t know where the hell they’re going to have it,” Frye said. “They’re not putting any money into advertising. So at that point we said, ‘You know what? You just ain’t got your shit together. We’re walking away.’”

Frye said he would have been happy keeping quiet about the entire situation, but Raimond’s release forced him to speak.

“That’s something that’s between me and Joost, but he had to go and get on the fucking Internet and pull this bullshit, so then it opened it up to the whole fucking world,” Frye said. “That’s his fault, not mine.

“The position of douchebag fight promoter, who thinks he’s tough because he hangs out with fighters and insults fighters – that position’s already taken. We don’t need that, OK?”

I saw Don Frye eat a live iguana once. True story.

Poll

How great on an American Hero is Don Frye?

GI Joe

94 votes

Transformer

7 votes

Indiana Jones

17 votes

Han Solo

28 votes

146 votes | Poll has closed

Cyborg Fakes Pregnancy, Hilarity Ensues.

Ubernoober — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 17:35:25 -0000

So what's the worst thing that could possible happen to a cursed card?

The Strikeforce promoter is usually calm and cool under the worst of circumstances, and the weeks leading up to the show featured plenty of them, as several matches had to be rearranged for various reasons. But he thought he had a nightmare scenario on his hands the night before the show.

At about 9:30 p.m. on Friday night, on a show where every major match but the main event fell apart, Coker got a phone call from the Santos camp. They were apologetic, saying that they had no idea beforehand, but that when the commission was testing Santos, they found out that she was pregnant and the fight was off.

Coker fell for it … though later he was told it was a prank. Good thing for Coker – and for Santos.

Chute Box just knocked four years off Scott Coker's life with that gem.

HT to Dave Meltzer's Yahoo article.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mma/news?slug=dm-womensmma081609&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

The Great Fedor Opinion Poll

Ubernoober — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 01:37:41 -0000

This article is just a vehicle for an opinion poll of the hardcore MMA fan community on Fedor.

The hardcore fans are the only ones in North America who care about Fedor, so it is important to gauge the attitude of hardcore fans towards Fedor. The hardcore fan base also acts as a barometer for future shifts in mainstream fan attitudes. Fedor has a nearly spotless record, and a collection of devastating KOs and submissions, but recently he has come under attack over his desire to "fight the best".

To keep this poll as fair as possible I will add no commentary of my own, seeing as I'm so influential :P.

What say ye, unwashed legions of hardcore fans?

Poll

What is your opinion of Fedor Emelianenko?

Very favorable

64 votes

Favorable

49 votes

Neither favorable or unfavorable

63 votes

Unfavorable

84 votes

Very unfavorable

55 votes

315 votes | Poll has closed

Brock Lesnar

Ubernoober — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 01:38:10 -0000

Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar.

Update:

Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar.

Poll

Brock Lesnar?

Brock Lesnar

39 votes

Brock Lesnar

28 votes

Brock Lesnar

75 votes

Brock Lesnar

28 votes

170 votes | Poll has closed

MMA Standard Units & Naming Convention

Ubernoober — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:33:19 -0000

There is confusion in the MMA community about measurement and naming. The purpose of this article is to introduce standard MMA measurements for everyday use, and to confuse outsiders. If you ever wanted to know how many Abbots you can lift, or how many Zulus it takes you to run 100 Chois, wonder no more.

Unit of Measurement: Name of MMA unit (short form), and SI or Imperial equivalent.

Length: Chois (Ch) 2.18m or 7ft 2in. The total length of one Hong Man Choi

Mass: Abbots (Ab) 129kg or 8.84slugs. The total mass of a Tank Abbot (2007 estimate)

Time: Zuluzinhos (Zu) 26s. How long it takes to get "Zulued"

Temperature: Machidas (Ma) 36₀C or 98₀F. Average temperature of Lyoto Machida urine.

Force: Caranos (Ca) 20N or 4.5lb. Average amount Gina Carano is overweight at weigh in.

Work: Penns (Pe) 1W or .001Hp. Total work output of one BJ Penn training camp.

Reflectivity: Danas (Da) Unit less fraction. The % of light reflected by Dana White’s head is 1Da

Torque: Fedors (Fe) 100N*m or 73.75lb*ft. The average torque of one Fedor armbar.

Viscosity: St. Pierres (Pi) 10N*s/m2 or 6.71lb*s/ft2. Average viscosity of GSP during fights

Energy: Guidas (Gu) 1megaton (explosive). Total energy contained within Clay Guida’s hair.

Example:

A force of 10Caranos applied over a moment arm of .25Chois will result in a torque of how many Fedors?

TUF 8 Finale Bonus Prediction Game

Ubernoober — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:14:09 -0000

Who wins the bonuses for the TUF Finale? A little variation of our betting game here at Bloodyelbow, you make picks of who you think will win Fight of the Night, Submission of the Night, and KO of the Night, and your prediction for the time and round of the Sub/KO/TKO to be used as a tiebreaker if need be. Every correct pick is one point, fight times are only needed in event of a tie.

The winner of this game gets the coveted “Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence”

My Picks:

Fight of the Night

Phillipe Nover Vs Efrain Escudero 2:43 R3 I predict that Efrain weathers an early storm from Phillipe, turns it around in the second, and gets a submission in the third. Barring a quick KO or submission, this should be a wild fight.

Submission of the Night

Vinicius Magalhaes 4:32 R1 Time for some Brazillian Jiu Jitsu Black Magic courtesy of Vinny. This should happen as long as he doesn’t get hit in the face. There will be a submission, and it will be awe inspiring.

KO of the Night

Krzysztof Soszynski 1:53 R2 He’s from Manitoiba, I had to work him in somehow. I normally bet against the guy with the most tattoos, but in Krzysztof’s case I’ll make an exception.

Those are my picks. Please add your own to make this fun.