SEARELS AIN'T SKEERED

Stacy continues to pursue out-of-state studs for what we shall call Zee Panzer OL Experimentch. Centers that rollerskate backwards after the snap need not apply. The next candidate to visit Texas is 2014 OL Cameron Robinson, a 6-6, 230 330 pound, 16-year old swamp beast from Monroe, LA.

Robinson will be in town for Texas' summer camp this Sunday along with a host of 2013 commits and targets for the next two classes.

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VHT D = TEXAS #1 SRPRZ TEAM 2012 $$$ POWERPLAY

That's SteeleSpeak for: Texas is Phil's top dark horse candidate next season. His reasoning? Nasty D, improved O, and a favorable conference schedule.

"Remember," Steele writes, "four national champs the last 12 years have been off five-loss seasons."

Oh, we remember, Phil. We remember. Just because it's the offseason doesn't mean you can't take the Dreamwagon for a spin...

Let's acknowledge up front it's highly unlikely that we ever see a relegation system in college football like the English Premier League's top-3-move-up, bottom-3-drop-down format.

But if you caught the waning moments of the EPL season on Sunday (Fox broadcast eight games live), you now know the possibilities are infinitely awesome and it is our job in the off season to indulge each and every fantasy that could potentially improve the game we love dearly from its currently handcuffed (and quite boring) system.

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Who knows what actually happened last night at Roppollo's Pizzeria at 1:30 a.m., but it was enough for four Longhorns to get slapped with a Class C Misdemeanor "failure to obey a lawful order" charge.

In other words, they refused to GTFO.

Rumors range from Kenny Vaccaro insisting on tossing the dough for his own pizza to Barrett Matthews hoarding what was rightfully Alex Okafor's parmesan cheese. Eryon Barnett was also there, even though he has officially transferred. Is he working for the Aggies? Critical questions abound. It's also likely some of 6th Street's finest asshole Robocop's were involved.

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For your Monday morning consideration ...

Missouri is having to adapt its academic policies to meet the more stringent requirements of the SEC.

No shit.

But it gets better.

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Buckle your chinstraps, Carnival-goers. Fake Ken Tremendous and yours truly are about to take you on a whirlwind tour of the Oklahoma Internet media's tireless Sooner coverage. (Yes, Oklahoma has internet access now. It's required under a loose interpretation of an 1837 treaty Andrew Jackson signed with the Chickasaws.)

Before we break all this down for you in the written equivalent of a Bleacher Report slide show, please attach a dull knife to your belt harness, slap yourself in the face, snort some meth, and take a leap of faith ...

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The guys over at Heismanpundit.com have been ranking the contenders by conference and the Big 12's list is designed to amuse, baffle, and/or troll depending on your alma mater.

Here's the good news, Texas fans -- four Longhorns are on the list! Unfortunately they're all considered Long Shots. As in, David Ash, Jonathan Gray, Malcolm Brown, or Joe Bergeron could theoretically win the Heisman. Just as I could bed Kate Upton, Huckleberry could someday be understood by an audience greater than three, and you could watch The Longhorn Network right now.

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the freek comes through once again.

via @edsbs

HODOR! CARROLL! HODOR! CARROLL!

And here beginneth the offseason schedule of miscellany in sport and leisure.

I realize this post targets the other kind of footballing audience but it's a hat trick for fans of both the EPL and Game of Thrones, which is basically England and a few dozen limey yanks.

The gents @meninblazers collaborated with the girls at Grantland to assign each EPL team to a GOT character and if you happen to fall in the category above, the results are conclusively awesome, highly relevant, and beyond our judgment.

Winter is coming ... and it's looking bleak for Wigan, Wolves, and Blackburn; who shall soon be relegated beyond the Wall.

This will be much more brief than the wandering diary that was my post on our Offense. Scipio Texicanus already addressed depth concerns, or lack thereof, and how we are just a few overachieving seniors away from owning BCS Crystal. Can a podcast with Russell Gaskamp and Matt Nordgren be far away?

The only footage we have of the spring game is some highlights commentated by former Nick at Nite host Lowell Galindo. He gets to sit around a cush studio across from the old Franklin BBQ trailer and flirt with Samantha Steele while we pay computer geeks in the RLM to find us a torrent of the game.

IF ONE DOESN'T EXIST JUST MAKE ONE, RAJ.

These are humbling times, Texas fan.

But then you watch highlights of Kenny Vaccaro, Alex Okafor, Sir Carrington Byndom, Steve Edmond, and Jordan Hicks wreaking havoc on Case McCoy, an ill-equipped OL, and KA pledges at wide receiver and all is right in the world again. I'm not one for hyperbole, but this defense would shut down Aaron Rodgers and the Packers in similar fashion.

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Here are the game highlights (from the Longhorn Network) and my thoughts on the offense. Once we get a torrent of the video, LonghornScott will be along to dazzle with all of his fire zone fury.

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It's a glorious day for football. Low 80s, cool breeze, and talent everywhere.

Here are seven guys I'll be watching closely today:

Steve Edmond

Josh Turner

Demarco Cobbs

John Harris

Joe Bergeron

Reggie Wilson

Duke Thomas

Do things Al Golden's way or he'll find somebody who can. Anyone, really. And if your name happens to be Eric Winston, Bryant McKinnie, or any combination of those names that would be really cool too.

The Curious Index highlights Al Golden's fat fetish.sbn.to/GYcjG5

— edsbs (@edsbs) March 28, 2012

Yes, this is a real advertisement from a campus gym in Coral Gables soliciting walk-on linemen. You can laugh long and hard as if the 1990 Cotton Bowl never happened. We would totally kick their ass now!

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Brickhorn and I were texting today while bored at work, randomly cataloging the low water marks of Texas Football Fandom as underworked, overpaid bloggers often do. You've already read at least 100 different articles, diary entries, and photo essays about where somebody was on 4th & 5 when VY triumphed over USC, but coming off a combined 12-12 regular season record over the past two seasons, we decided to raise a glass to mediocrity and toast shame & scandal.

Because these dark days are about to be over.

After about 30 exchanges we realized there was enough material to supply a Ken Burns documentary, but here are the lowlights. From our iPhones to Darrell K. Royal's ears ...

The Branding of Bevo

Many moons and about 13 Bevos ago in 1916, some pre-Military Cult Aggies had a rather ingenious idea to kidnap Texas' prized steer and brand the score of the prior year's Aggie triumph over UT. This would be their last good idea. Never mind the fact that Texas had just beaten A&M 22-7 on Thanksgiving Day, which marked Bevo's debut as the Texas mascot. It's these selective memories that would go on to serve future generations of Aggie faithful for centuries to come. [editors's note: BC's very own srr50 was a sophomore journalism major at the time].

Silver lining: This historic event later inspired to the Texags Internet legend that was Branding Iron 13-0, perhaps the most delusional person with Internet access since echeese circa 1999-2008. They currently live together outside Frisco.

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Guys have gotten measured and weighed in, now running 40's and doing bench. No, Tray Allen really isn't 6'5".

Kheeton Randall 6-4 / 293
Keenan Robinson 6-3 / 242
Christian Scott 5-11 / 220
David Snow 6-3 / 303
Justin Tucker 6-0 / 180
Foswhitt Whittaker 5-9 / 194
John Chiles 6-0 / 214
Emmanuel Acho 6-1 1/2 / 237
Tray Allen 6-3 1/4 / 300
Jamison Berryhill 5-10 1/2 / 230
Blake Gideon 6-0 / 204
Ahmard Howard 6-3 3/4 / 238
Cody Johnson 5-10 3/4 / 259

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We'd like to welcome a new friend to the Carnival, an insider we shall call The CDO, or Collateralized Debt Obligation. It's what sunk our nation's economy and it's also what will restore your faith in the Longhorns.

Derivatives are complicated like that.

If you are familiar with The Asset, let's just say they work in the same field and The CDO owed us a favor.

We had a chance to catch up with him yesterday to get his thoughts now that spring practice is in high gear.

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If you missed last night's this morning's Daytona 500, here's what happened.

Millions of non-NASCAR fans tuned in late night to watch what literally was a continuous pileup of twisted metal and blazing corporate logos.

Half the field crashed, most notably bikini model Danica Patrick on the first lap. She also crashed in qualifying. But she did come back to finish the race ... eight hours later. Maybe NASCAR isn't her thing.

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David Ash is QB1.

Case McCoy and Connor Brewer also got first team reps in 7 on 7 action and while they all had encouraging moments, Ash received the bulk of the snaps and executed the offense very well, hooking up with Miles O, Jaxon Shipley, DeSean Hales, and DJ Grant on a variety of routes.

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I left a blizzard in Colorado on Sunday and came back to an early Spring in Austin-- a 60 degree temperature swing accompanied by young coeds getting in early tanning work, hipsters showing off pasty limbs via cut off cords and ironic t-shirts, the arrival of 38 new food trailers, six new strains of influenza, and a football recruiting two-fer that sprung virtual wood.

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If you had the Longhorn Network, you would have already seen this. But you don't, so here is Bennie Wylie pushing tractors around, looking better than you do in a spandex shirt.

Maybe they'll dig through the archives and show some of Mad Dog's old Max Out Wednesday! workouts.

What's your max, bro?

Live now on CBS College Sports. It's also streaming online but the link is currently down. Justin.tv will be along shortly...

Texas commits Malcom Brown, Tim Cole, Caleb Bluiett, and Daje Johnson are all starters on Team USA and Bluiett was chosen as one of the four captains.

Here's some footage from this morning's signing day breakfast.

If we can stop Scott Drew from buying new 5-star players at halftime we have a chance.

Game tips at noon on CBS. Verne and Clark with the call.

Hail to the (yaawwwwnnn) Victors! yeah.

Since you probably didn't watch it, Michigan beat Virginia Tech 23-20 in Tuesday's Sugar Bowl despite only gaining 183 yards and possessing the ball for 23 minutes. Brady Hoke and Michigan fans will take it. It's a hell of a long way from Rich Rod. srr50 probably wrote a longform letter to Bo Schembechler's family, accompanied by a honey ham, conveying his satisfaction with all things maize and blue.

THE HOLGO AIR RAID IS COMING AND YOU ARE POWERLESS TO STOP IT.

Unless your name is Manny Diaz. If Diaz and Holgo were to face off in a WWE match, announced at midnight tonight, it would sell out at 12:01 -- Appalaaaaaaaachian Moooooonshine Mullet vs Central Texas Santeriiiiiaaaaaa. Holgo's Mountaineers dropped an atomic Geno bomb on Dabo's boys, ripping the Ralph Lauren pony right off Clemson fans' shirts with a 99 yard strip fumble TD OMFG play just before halftime to go up by two scores. Oh, wait. They scored again 8 seconds later when Holgo simply nodded his head, allowing the defense to pick off Tahj Boyd. Make that 49 points at halftime and a three score lead. This is what Holgo can do to you, Big 12. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The Seven Habits of Spectacularly Unsuccessful Executives (h/t strick on OB).

It's confirmed. Jerry Jones reads Forbes.

1) They see themselves and their companies as dominating their environment
2) They identify so completely with the company that there is no clear boundary between their personal interests and their corporation's interests
3) They think they have all the answers
4) They ruthlessly eliminate anyone who isn't completely behind them
5) They are consummate spokespersons, obsessed with the company image
6) They underestimate obstacles
7) They stubbornly rely on what worked for them in the past

Sounds about right. Who else fits that bill?

Mack Brown talks about everything

When you have a few hours to spare, it's always fun to listen to Mack wax on about all things Texas football. You just have to know which 30% to believe.

Jamie Blatnick's presence alone caused Stanford's kicker to miss. Twice.

"I'm about positive I got a piece of the first one," Blatnick said. "I'm just sayin'. I don't think I got credit for it. If I didn't get a piece of it, it was my presence. You can watch the replay."

The replay was utterly inconclusive.

"My pinky probably got it," Blatnick said. "It was enough for him to miss it."

Congrats to the Cowboys for displacing OU as the premier program in the sad state of Oklahoma. Let's hope it lasts.

Kirk Bohls still believes in David Ash and you should too

Have you ever played the Kirk Bohls Drinking Game? Me neither, but somebody should invent one. I didn't even read this article but similar to posting junior recruiting film of a kid you've probably never heard of, a Bohls column always sparks discussion. And bohl movements. Be sure to let us know whether you vehemently disagree with all things Kirk or your kids go to camp together and he's actually a great guy.

Bill Snyder is a roster shuffling wizard

Once Snyder retires, we should pay him a few hundred grand to fly down to Austin every summer for Octogenarian Roster Consultation Services. He'll clasp his hand over Mack Brown's while holder a roster in the other and incant no less than 20 wholesale roster changes that will instantly deliver 2.4 more wins per season.

Kingsbury joins Sumlin's staff in College Station

Interesting hire. Will passing the ball 60 times a game work against S!E!C! defenses? Was Kingsbury the product of the Cougar system already installed by Briles and Holgo or did he actually make it click? Was his father a cocky, noodle-armed dickhead? So many questions...

Corey Joseph and Jordan Hamilton have already been sent down to the D League but Avery Bradley had a nice night for himself, earning the super rare Chest Bump From Paul Pierce, which apparently hardly ever happens to second year guys that just drained their first career trey in an NBA game. But they like Avery, and we'd certainly love to have him back.

Iowa State beat Texas last night 77-71 and I'm going to pretend it was on the Longhorn Network and couldn't watch. Once J'Covan j'rolled his ankle it was game over. That's a sad comment on the current state of the Longhorn program but at least Clint Chapman came to play, finishing with a career high 19 & 11. Too bad we only got him the ball once in the last five minutes and he promptly traveled. Check back in February on this team, a grim month is ahead.

WE MUST PROTECT THESE RECRUITS! And poach more in the process ... the 2012 Under Armour All American Bowl Game is tonight at 6:30 CST on ESPN. Here are the rosters. All the Texas kids, except for future commit Mario Edwards, are playing on the Black team (Highlight). It's a loaded squad and Texas has SEVEN starters: Connor Brewer, Johnathan Gray, Cayleb Jones, Curtis Riser, Peter Jinkens, Bryson Echols, and Malcom Brown. Check the Cosm tomorrow for a few game breakdowns.

TEXAS, BITCHES.