I had a great time at the game yesterday -- it was a really nice end to my personal game-attending season. Seeing the Devinator get his award for AA Pitcher of the Year, finally get put in the game in an intense situation, and overcome a 3-0 count with the bases loaded . . . well, I was going nuts for him. It was good to see Thor actually come through for us, too. Not a lot at stake, but still a really enjoyable game. Watching Willie and Huddy sing a duet on the Jumbotron didn't hurt, either.

Oh, and here are your Frenchy Fun Facts for the week. Cherish them while you can -- the offseason approaches.

NL Batting Title Watch

Player, Team	Last Night	Average
Chipper Jones, ATL	2-for-4	.341
Matt Holliday, COL	2-for-4	.337
Chase Utley, PHI	3-for-5	.335
Edgar Renteria, ATL	1-for-3	.333
Hanley Ramirez, FLA	1-for-4	.333

Has any team ever in the history of baseball managed a win after walking a run in? Is there any more significant kiss of death? Even grand slams aren't quite as demoralizing.

At least we got to see Heap get bitchy with the ump. And did anyone else listen to Pete and Skip on the radio? They were doing a pretty good "subtle" running commentary about how awful Andruw is. So that was entertaining. Oh, and then there was that really good game that Huddy almost pitched.

The AJC of course commemorated this latest blow with a Sad Heap picture. What can I say that Sad Heap doesn't more accurately convey?

I'll be at the game today . . . my last one of the season. So far today, the weather has been appropriately gray.

NL Batting Title Watch

Player, Team	Last Night	Average
Chipper Jones, ATL	0-for-4	.340
Matt Holliday, COL	2-for-4	.337
Hanley Ramirez, FLA	1-for-4	.334
Edgar Renteria, ATL	0-for-4	.333
Chase Utley, PHI	2-for-4	.333

I love that Heap doesn't even bother to shave when he goes to visit the president. McClassic.

~~

Yesterday morning, at the hotel in D.C. . . .

Schuerholz: John!
Smoltz: Homeboy! What's up?
Schuerholz: I've been invited to have a personal audience with the president this afternoon.
Smoltz: Wow, that's exciting!
Schuerholz: I know, right? Oh, and I'm allowed to bring a few players along. Naturally, you were the first person who came to mind.
Smoltz: Thank you! I'm honored.
Schuerholz: Let's ask a few other guys to join us. I don't want to look like I'm playing favorites, so I'll leave it up to you to invite them.
Smoltz: Okay . . . hmm. I'll have to think about it.
Schuerholz: Just let me know who you decide to ask.

Smoltz knocks on Huddy's door.

Huddy: Hey, Smoltzie, how's it going?
Smoltz: Pretty good, actually! Want to come meet the president with me this afternoon?
Huddy: Ha ha!
Huddy: Wait . . . is that some kind of drug metaphor?
Smoltz: No! I'm serious!
Huddy: Right, right. Where are the cameras?
Huddy: /peers down the hallway in both directions
Huddy: I ain't that gullible, man!
Smoltz: I'm not joking! Homeboy was invited, and he asked me along, and wants me to invite some other guys from the team to join us.
Huddy: Uh-huh, sure. Why don't you go try this on Frenchy? He'll buy it for sure. You'll get some great footage -- where are you hiding the camera?
Smoltz: What camera?? Is it that hard to believe that the president wants to meet some of the Braves?
Huddy: Is it hidden in one of your shirt buttons? Like some James Bond type shit? Hey, you're gonna show me the video of Frenchy's reaction, right?
Smoltz: Ugh -- if you don't believe me, just call Schuerholz. I think I WILL invite Frenchy, and I hope he has a little bit more trust in me!
Huddy: Sure, dude, whatever you say. They gonna air this bit nationally, or just on Sports South?

Smoltz knocks on Frenchy's door.

Frenchy: Hey, John!
Smoltz: Morning, Jeff. I have some pretty exciting news for you.
Frenchy: Ooh, ooh, let me guess!
Smoltz: Um--
Frenchy: Everyone on the Phillies took steriods, and the whole team is disqualified?!
Smoltz: No, Jeff--
Frenchy: EVERYONE ON THE METS?!
Smoltz: It actually doesn't have anything to do with getting to the playoffs.
Frenchy: Oh. Has it got anything to do with my burgeoning singing career?
Smoltz: What are you talking about?! It's about the President of the United States!
Frenchy: Oh. Wait . . . what?
Smoltz: Would you like to meet him?
Frenchy: What?! Really??
Smoltz: Yes, we've been invited to--
Frenchy: CAN HEAP COME??!?
Smoltz: Um. Well, I guess so, I mean--
Frenchy: OH MY GOD!! I'M GONNA GO TELL HIM!!!
Frenchy: /runs down the hall
Smoltz: Hmm.
Smoltz: I may have just made a terrible mistake.

Frenchy pounds on Heap's door

Frenchy: HEAP, WAKE UP!!!! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!
Frenchy: A NATIONAL EMERGENCY!!!

Heap opens the door, rubbing his eyes.

Heap: What the hell?
Frenchy: OH MY GOD, DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE?!?!
Heap: Quit screaming! And no, you made us all go on that stupid tour the first time we came to D.C. for a road trip. I doubt much has changed.
Frenchy: NO I MEAN FOR REAL
Frenchy: LIKE THE PART OF THE WHITE HOUSE THE PRESIDENT IS IN
Heap: If you're talking about trying to break in to the oval office--
Frenchy: No, no, no! We've been invited to talk to the president! Smoltz said so!!
Heap: Are you serious? But why would the president want to meet us?
Frenchy: Um, DUH, Heap! He's obviously a huge Braves fan!!
Heap: Wouldn't he be a Rangers fan, though?
Frenchy: HA HA! As if anyone likes the Rangers! Good one.
Heap: No, really -- didn't he own the Rangers at some point?
Frenchy: Own them?? Doesn't he own ALL the MLB teams? When you really think about it?
Heap: . . . No? Are you high?
Frenchy: It's nine o'clock in the morning! I'm not high, this is for real!
Heap: Alright, man, but I'm having a hard time believing it.
Frenchy: Heap, have I ever lied to you?
Heap: No, but you've definitely told me things that you thought were true which turned out to be . . . less than valid.
Frenchy: This is not like that time Kelly burned popcorn and I thought the house was on fire! I'm talking about the president of our country! I don't fool around about stuff like this!
Heap: Okay, okay. Well, what should I wear?
Frenchy: NOT the shoes you wore when we met that senator.
Heap: You're never going to let me forget that, are you?
Frenchy: Probably not.

~~

The story about needing "pitchers" really cracked me up. But where is the picture that was taken?! Also, thanks to Lauren for reminding me that the picture with Isakson exists. As I told her, when I saw it last year, Heap's shoes were the first thing I noticed, no exaggeration.

I'm sorry that I haven't posted on here in awhile -- I was away from the internet all of Labor Day weekend, then I got sick, and I just started a new full time job this week. Add in an hour of commuting (at least) and that leaves me about ten minutes to fool around online when I get home, before the game comes on at seven. I'll work out my schedule eventually, but right now I'm a little overwhelmed and strapped for time (we're also trying to buy a house and move before the middle of October, just for added fun).

Admittedly, there hasn't been much worth writing about -- but I couldn't let the Dynamic Duo's visit to the White House pass by without my commentary.

I sat down to watch the game last night, and toward the end of her "Clubhouse Report" (we were laughing last night about the jaunty font they use for "Clubhouse," like the Braves' clubhouse is a tree fort that has a misspelled NO GIRLS ALLOWED!! sign tacked onto the door), OKT mentioned that Devy had been sent down. I was immediately furious, and then she revealed who came up to take his roster spot. I ranted for about thirty minutes. My dinner got cold. Good game, though.

~~

May 22, 2007

Devy walks into the Braves clubhouse with a brand new suitcase, grinning from ear to ear.

Heap: Heyyyy! Joey! How are you, man?
Devy: I'm great! After everything I went through in 2005, it feels good to have my confidence back.
Heap: Yeah, I'm really happy for you. You did well after your September call up last season -- and hey, aren't you leading the Southern League in saves?
Devy: Heh, yep!
Heap: That's awesome, Joey. I'll look forward to catching you.
Devy: Aww, thanks!

May 23, 2007

Devy: /sits nervously in the bullpen
Eddie: /sings Ave Maria
Devy: /scoots away

May 24, 2007

Devy: Well, another day in a major league bullpen! Maybe I'll get to pitch tonight.
Wicky: Hey.
Devy: Hi! My name is --
Wicky: You gonna eat that?
Devy: /looks down
Devy: Um . . . eat . . . what? My glove?
Wicky: Oh. I thought it was one of those jumbo soft pretzels for a second.

May 25, 2007

Devy: Man, it was so great to be here to see Smoltz get his 200th win.
Heap: Yeah, what an awesome game! C'mon, let's go drink some champagne with everyone.
Devy: Okay!
Bobby: Hold on a second there, son.
Devy: Me?
Bobby: Yeah, you. Here's your ticket home.
Devy: "Home"?
Bobby: Yeah, you know, the minors. Thanks for the - eh, whatever you did for the past three days.

Heap: Aw, Joey, that's too bad.
Devy: Well, it's okay. I figured they would send me back pretty soon -- I just thought I'd get a chance to pitch . . .
Heap: Yeah, me too. But you came up during a crazy series with the Mets -- next time you come up you'll get to pitch, and hopefully you'll be up here for good.
Devy: That would be great! Well, I guess I've got a bus to catch.
Heap: They're making you take a bus back to Mississippi?!
Devy: Yeah, I'm back on a minor leaguer's salary. It's okay! There's a bathroom on the bus and everything. Could be worse!
Heap: I guess so. See you soon, buddy.
Devy: Bye!

June 20, 2007

The Braves are losing to the Red Sox, 11-0 in the bottom of the 8th.

Bobby: Consarnit!! Who's going to pitch the 9th?
McDowell: You've used everyone but Joey Devine.
Bobby: What's Devine doing up here?!
McDowell: He just got called up today to replace McBride.
Bobby: Aw, hell. Get Francoeur out there.
McDowell: Um, he's still playing rightfield. And he hasn't pitched since high school.
Bobby: FINE. Put Mr. Grand Slam in. Not like this could get any worse.

Devy: /gives up two hits
Heap: /goes out to the mound
Heap: Hey, what's the matter?
Devy: Nothing . . . I think I'm just nervous. Bobby only trusts me to pitch games where we're losing by double digits.
Heap: Well, you'll have to earn his trust back, you knew that. C'mon, I know you can do it, just don't overthink.
Devy: Okay. Thanks, Heap.
Devy: /gets out of the inning without giving up a run

Heap: Hey, good job!
Devy: Thanks!
Bobby: Kid!
Devy: . . . Me?
Bobby: Yeah, you. We just got a new reliever from the Tigers. Here's your bus ticket home.
Heap: This is the second time we've sent him back this year -- can't we at least spring for a flight?
Bobby: Oh, I'm sorry, are you Brian McCann, starting catcher AND traveling secretary?
Heap: . . . No.
Bobby: That's what I thought. See ya later, Devine.

Heap: Geez, Joey, that stinks.
Devy: No, that's okay. I knew I wasn't up to stay . . . they need a lefty reliever.
Heap: Well, at least you got to pitch this time!
Devy: Yep! See you later, Heap.

July 5, 2007

Devy walks into the visitor's clubhouse in Los Angeles, a slightly scuffed suitcase in hand.

Heap: Hey, you're back!
Devy: Yep! Whose roster spot am I taking this time?
Heap: Pete Orr's. They optioned him to Richmond last night.
Devy: Is that . . . Bobby over there in the corner?
Heap: Yeah. He's been weeping since last night. He said this was "like the ending of The Yearling, only a hundred times worse."
Devy: What the hell does that mean?
Heap: Beats me, but Bobby really likes Orr.
Devy: Oh, great.
Heap: Nah, don't worry. He won't take it out on you.

Devy: /pitches two innings in nine games

July 18, 2007

Bobby: Kid!
Devy: Yeah?
Bobby: We're putting Davies in the pen. You're going home.
Devy: /holds out hand
Bobby: /slaps bus ticket into it

August 3, 2007

Devy wanders into the Braves clubhouse with a tattered suitcase. He sighs.

Heap: Joey! Hey, you must be up for the rest of the season, huh?
Devy: I guess.
Heap: Aw, don't worry. You've been doing so well in the minors, and our bullpen could use you.
Devy: Thanks, Heap. I don't mind about the short call ups so much . . . my head's kind of spinning, but I understand.
Heap: You've been a good sport.

That night, the team is losing 7-2 after the bottom of the 7th.

Bobby: Consarnit! Who's going to pitch the last two innings??
McDowell: You've used everyone but Devine and Cormier.
Bobby: . . .
Bobby: . . .
Bobby: . . .
Boddy: Goddammit. Gimme Devine.

Devy: /walks a batter
Devy: /gives up a hit
Heap: /calls time out, jogs out to the mound
Heap: What's wrong, Joey?
Devy: I don't know . . . I'm having a hard time getting my head in the game. I just got here this afternoon, and here I am, pitching at the end of another loss . . .
Heap: Joey, don't be like that! We need you to hold them.
Devy: You're right, I'm sorry.
Heap: Go get 'em!

Devy: /strikes out two, gets out of the inning without giving up a run
Bobby: /puts Cormier in for the 9th
Cormier: /gives up two more runs

August 6, 2007

Devy: Thanks for letting me crash at your place while I'm in town.
Heap: No problem! I've got plenty of space.
Devy: I just don't want to look for my own place, with the rollercoaster I've been on this season.
Heap: I know, but it's August, and you've been doing so well. I don't think you'll have to go back to Mississippi this season.
Devy: I hope not -- I'm really looking forward to going to New York with you guys tomorrow!
Heap: Yeah, it's an important road trip.

Devy's cell phone rings.

Devy: Who could that be -- oh. Shit.
Heap: . . . It's Bobby, isn't it?
Devy: Yeah.
Devy: /gets up
Devy: Drive me to the bus station?

August 24, 2007

Devy walks into the visitor's clubhouse in St. Louis, carrying a garbage bag full of shoes, shaking.

Heap: Joe-- whoa, are you okay?
Devy: Let's just get this over with.

August 26, 2007

The Braves are losing to the Cardinals, and Devy comes in to pitch the 8th.

Devy: /walks Pujols
Devy: /gives up a hit
Heap: /jogs out to the mound
Heap: Hey, are you alright?
Devy: No.
Heap: I know, I know, but listen -- the roster expansion is in just a few days! There's no way they'll send you back again. And here's your chance to prove that you deserve to be up here, right?
Devy: DO I deserve to be here?! I can't even tell anymore.
Heap: Yes! You know you do. To hell with all these roster moves. Just pitch like the old Joey Devine. The one I knew in the minors who was totally confident. First round draft pick Joey Devine! You're still him, despite all these struggles.
Devy: /wipes tear
Devy: Thanks, Heap.
Heap: No problem. Now shut these guys down!

Devy: /strikes out two, gets out of the inning without giving up a run

Heap: I knew you could do it!
Devy: Aww, shucks!
Heap: Man, I can't wait to get out of St. Louis! Hopefully we'll be able to turn it around in Miami.
Devy: Miami . . . sounds fun!
Heap: Have you ever been on a road trip down there?
Devy: I . . . can't remember. I've blocked most of 2005 out entirely, to be honest.
Heap: That's probably for the best.

Bobby: Kid!
Heap: Oh no.
Devy: . . . me?
Bobby: /holds out a bus ticket
Bobby: I'm sorry to do this to ya, but we need help on the bench. You'll be back in a few days.
Devy: COMING BACK IN A FEW DAYS IS NO LONGER A COMFORT.
Heap: Just stay calm, Devy. After the roster expansion, you'll be up for the rest of the year.
Devy: OH REALLY?? I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING ANY OF YOU SAY ANYMORE.
Devy: /shakes uncontrollably
Heap: Geez, Bobby, how can you do this to him?? Who are you bringing up to help on the bench? Brayan Pena?
Bobby: Who? No, I'm bringing up Peter Orr!

Devy: ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME
Devy: I HAVE A HIGHER BATTING AVERAGE THAN PETE ORR
Bobby: But you haven't even hit this year!
Devy: PRECISELY
Heap: Yeah, Bobby, doesn't Orr have a negative average? Because of that one time he leapt out of the on deck circle and fielded one of Chipper's infield hits?
Bobby: But he's a great teammate! And he's a hell of a Connect Four player, goddammit!

Devy: /faints

~~

Eric Campbell needs to hurry up and serve his suspension, start hitting and get up here. I could go for an "insubordinate act" right about now.

I can't decide if I miss the Davies twins or not. I definitely miss Gonzalez, and the effective Chuckie of '06, and Wicky is making me nostalgic for even Kerry Ligtenburg. He may have blown his share of saves, but at least he was kind of cute. I was extremely grateful to only have to listen to Wickman throw the game away on the radio on the way home last night . . . actually seeing him mess up that play on first might have prompted criminal activity.

But speaking of criminal activity in Missouri this weekend . . . will the guys hang out with Good and/or Evil Davies while they're in town?

~~

On the plane last night . . .

Frenchy: Psst! Hey, Heap, you awake?
Heap: Yeah, what do you want? I really don't feel like talking right now.
Frenchy: I know, but . . . I just wanted to ask you something.
Frenchy: /looks over his shoulder
Frenchy: Do you . . . kind of . . . hate Wicky?
Heap: Frenchy, no. You can't blame that loss entirely on him.
Frenchy: Oh, I know, I know. I went 0-6!
Heap: Precisely.
Frenchy: But, still. I mean, you can tell me. You kind of hate him, right? Just a little?
Heap: No -- Frenchy, just leave me alone, okay?
Frenchy: Geez, fine. I'll just take my scintillating conversation elsewhere.
Heap: Yeah, good luck with that.

Frenchy gets up, wanders the plane. Everyone has the lights over their seats turned off, trying to sleep or moping about the game. Everyone, except one person . . .

Frenchy: /wanders over
Frenchy: Hey, are you one of the beat writers?
Hampton: Hmm? Oh, no.
Frenchy: Are you new on the training staff or something? I've seen you hanging around on the past few road trips. I should have introduced myself, my name is --
Hampton: Yeah, I know who you are. We've met.
Frenchy: We have? Oh, I'm sorry -- did you bring me Gatorade yesterday or something?
Hampton: Well, yes, but we actually met in 2005.
Frenchy: Oh, in the minors!
Hampton: No . . . I pitched for about a month after you were called up.
Frenchy: Seriously?
Frenchy: /looks at him closely
Frenchy: Kyle . . . Farnsworth?
Hampton: No, I was a starter! Mike Hampton!
Frenchy: /blank stare
Hampton: . . . The short guy?
Frenchy: Oh, yeah! Sorry, I didn't recognize you.
Hampton: That's okay, I haven't been around a lot this year. Or last year. Or most of the time you've been in the majors.
Frenchy: So are you getting ready to rejoin the rotation?
Hampton: Oh hell no. I won't even touch a baseball until March. And then only for several minutes a day.
Frenchy: Then . . . why are you on the road trip?
Hampton: My wife said I needed to get some fresh air, talk to people, get reacquainted with being, you know, "outside" of the "basement." Stuff like that. You know how women are!
Frenchy: Oh, sure! Hey, I'm getting married in a few months, you got any advice for me?
Hampton: Of course! Have a seat.
Frenchy: No one is sitting here?
Hampton: Nah. People don't generally sit within fifty feet of me. They think I'm bad luck.
Frenchy: Why would they think that?
Hampton: Beats me!

~~

The next morning at the hotel, Heap wanders down to the lobby.

Heap: Hey! Frenchy! There you are.
Frenchy: Hmm? Oh. Hi.
Heap: I was about to go get something for breakfast, have you eaten?
Frenchy: Oh, yeah. Mike and I went to breakfast hours ago.
Heap: . . . Mike?
Frenchy: Yes! Mike Hampton! Duh, Heap! He's only like, half our payroll!
Heap: /cringes
Heap: I was afraid that was who you were talking about.
Frenchy: Afraid? Why?
Heap: Frenchy . . . Hampton is . . . kind of strange.
Frenchy: Whatever!! You're just jealous that I'm friends with the veterans!
Heap: No, I'm not! Why is he even coming along on the road trips lately?! Chipper bet me fifty dollars that it's because his wife kicked him out and he needs a place to sleep.
Frenchy: That is so immature! Why don't you go hang out with your beloved Wickman?
Heap: Wicky is in the middle of his intense three hour breakfast regimen, but that's not the point --

Hampton: Hey, Jeff, there you are! Ready to play golf?
Frenchy: Yep!
Heap: You can't play golf the morning of a game!!
Frenchy: Don't tell me what to do!
Frenchy: /wanders off with Hampton

Heap: Well . . . fine!
Heap: /crosses arms
Heap: I mean . . . pssh! Like I care!
Heap: /looks around the empty lobby
Heap: /takes out cell phone

A phone rings in an apartment in Kansas City.

Good Davies: Hello?
Heap: Kyle!
Good Davies: Heap . . . hi.
Heap: Yeah, hi! What the hell is up with you calling me uptight?
Good Davies: I wasn't talking about you specifically!
Heap: You were, too! You said you "felt distant," and you named names!
Good Davies: Well, you guys weren't that nice to me when I was losing!
Heap: Well, excuse me for giving you the benefit of the doubt, but when "you" lost, I usually assumed it was your evil twin who was trying to sabotage your career!
Good Davies: Look, I'm sorry, okay! No hard feelings?
Heap: Fine, whatever. I'm in St. Louis today if you want to drive over and hang out.
Good Davies: . . . Okay. I'll be there in a few hours.

Later, there is a knock on Heap's hotel room door.

Heap: Hey, Ky--
Evil Davies: Hello, Brian.
Heap: You! What are you doing here?
Evil Davies: My brother told me you showed up in Missouri and threatened him. So here I am.
Heap: Threatened him?! I'm here for a series with the Cardinals! And what do you care, anyway? You don't even like your brother!
Evil Davies: Yes, but somehow I like you less.
Heap: So, what? You're here to kick my ass? All I said was that I wanted to hang out with him while we're in town!
Evil Davies: Well, he felt very threatened by that. He's fragile. Probably because I've been tormenting him since the womb.
Heap: Man, I don't have time for this crap --

Heap: /starts to shut the door in Evil Davies' face
Evil Davies: /holds the door open
Evil Davies: Well, you'd better make time.
Evil Davies: /hisses
Evil Davies: /raises hands, Dracula-style
Heap: Um--

Frenchy: /runs up to the hotel room door
Frenchy: /whacks Evil Davies in the back of the head with a golf club
Heap: Frenchy! Uh -- thanks!
Frenchy: No problem! Man, who would have thought a few weeks in the American League would make Kyle so weird?
Heap: Um, you do know that this is the Evil Davies . . . right?
Frenchy: Oh, seriously?
Heap: You thought Good Davies was attacking me?!
Frenchy: No, I was just pissed about that dig at us in that article! I mean, wouldn't you hit me in the back of the head with a golf club if I dissed you in the press?  
Heap: Er -- Wait, why are you back from golf so soon? What did you play, three holes?
Frenchy: Not even . . . it wasn't really that fun. Mike can't touch anything round until the spring, so I had to set up his shots for him, then he said that the handles on his clubs were "a little too close to being round," and he made me hit for him, too. Then he said I had to carry him because he's had some "mishaps" with golf carts in the past, so. I left.
Heap: Told you so.
Frenchy: Hey! Maybe next time some evil doppelganger is attacking you, I'll just let nature take its course.
Heap: You just said you only hit him because you were mad about that article!
Frenchy: Yeah, well. What should we do with him, anyway?
Heap: Um.
Heap: /stares down at the unconscious Evil Davies
Heap: Put him in the rotation?

~~

Today's Starting Pitchers

Buddy Carlyle Braves vs.  Elizardo Ramirez Reds 7-5 W-L 0-1 4.66 ERA 3.86 55 SO 2 22 BB 1 13 HR 1 vs. Reds -- vs. Braves

Game Time: 7:10 on

Well. At least we're not the Orioles?

It's starting to feel like 2006, and here's a good indicator: Chipper and company have retired from doing postseason probability quotes. Who got stuck with the job when we began falling out of the races last year? The same guy who did them all last night:

"There's no more 'we'll get 'em tomorrow,' " said Brian McCann, who homered early but was left on deck to end the game as Mark Teixeira struck out on a questionable pitch. "That's out of the window. We have to start playing better. That's the bottom line. If we want to get to the postseason where everybody wants to be, we're going to have to start playing better baseball."

Sound familiar? Poor Heap was captain of the "we have to start" press in the dark days around this time last year (okay, maybe a month earlier; I think we were pretty much dead in the water this time last year). Losing Rent again on the first pitch was just demoralizing, and then . . . well, I don't even have a clear memory of the rest of the game. Heap homered, made an error, Andruw homered, Cormier actually looked good, and then suddenly it was the ninth inning and Teixeira was having a well-earned fit. The umpires better not risk pulling any of that crap with him in the game tonight - remember the Alamo, ya bastards.

Don't forget to get your picks in before the game for Nok-A-Homa-Win-A-Lotta (click here to learn how to play and to view the leaderboard); the three categories are (1) Attendance, (2) Pick to Click, and (3) Above and Beyond Pick.

Today's Starting Pitchers

Lance Cormier Braves vs.  Bronson Arroyo Reds 0-3 W-L 6-13 9.90 ERA 4.58 9 SO 116 12 BB 49 10 HR 19 vs. Reds -- vs. Braves

Game Time: 7:10 on

I never thought it would come to this, but - sighhhhh. Where the hell is David Wells? Let's just get this over with.

Really, though, when you can't beat the Reds with seven runs and your next two starters are on the iffy side to say the least . . . but I won't turn to despair just yet (as if dreaming of David Wells joining your staff isn't the very definition of despair . . .). God forbid we ever have any momentum, though, or even a three game winning streak.

But never fear: we're getting our slightly impatient Rent back today:

"I'd prefer to play every day, rather than run the figure-8s," said Renteria.

Is that some kind of metaphor for our season? Probably.

Don't forget to get your picks in before the game for Nok-A-Homa-Win-A-Lotta (click here to learn how to play and to view the leaderboard); the three categories are (1) Attendance, (2) Pick to Click, and (3) Above and Beyond Pick.

Today's Starting Pitchers

Jo-Jo Reyes Braves vs.  Bobby Livingston Reds 0-1 W-L 3-3 8.72 ERA 4.70 7 SO 23 15 BB 8 7 HR 7 vs. Reds -- vs. Braves

Game Time: 7:10 on

Now that's how you treat the Reds, boys. I was worried about Huddy at first, but he didn't look terrible, just not '07 Huddy-esque (or '03 Huddy-esque, since we're invoking him, lately). He does have some advice for Tex (Mark? I still hate "Tex," but none of the other nicknames I've tried have stuck), who homered twice again last night:

"Maybe we should spit in his food everyday and make him throw up."

The plot thickens! But who spit in his food in the first place? Andruw is too spaced out to be very vindictive - Thor, maybe? Was it the song, Thor? The network actually has a commercial involving the song now, and they had me wondering for a moment last night if it was an inside job made to look like a fan creation, but then I remembered the "Thorman stinks and Julio is old" line, so probably not. Plus, when most of the network created commercials look like this, I really shouldn't even be giving them that much credit.

Now for Jo-Jo, just to mix things up, I guess. Last time he was up, did anyone else notice that he wore glasses in the dugout but not on the mound? Could be that he prefers contacts when he's pitching, but we might have a Rick Vaughn-type situation on our hands, here - Heap, get on it!

Don't forget to get your picks in before the game for Nok-A-Homa-Win-A-Lotta (click here to learn how to play and to view the leaderboard); the three categories are (1) Attendance, (2) Pick to Click, and (3) Above and Beyond Pick.

Today's Starting Pitchers

Tim Hudson Braves vs.  Phil Dumatrait Reds 14-5 W-L 0-1 3.02 ERA 10.32 106 SO 7 39 BB 9 5 HR 0 vs. Reds -- vs. Braves

Game Time: 7:10 on

That was a nice ending to a disappointing homestand, and a good way to leave town on getaway day: Smoltzie is now the all-time strikeout leader for the Braves, Tex homered twice, and apparently Wicky only wanted to set the stage for a game-tying grand slam in the ninth, not actually give one up. Phew!

Now the guys get to enjoy four days in fun-filled Cincinnati! The way Skip reliably bitches about the lack of nightlife there kind of makes you wonder what he gets up to in the other cities.

If you do nothing else today, read this article about Heap and his brother. They totally screw up his nickname (heaps o'fries? eh?), but otherwise it is amazing.

Don't forget to get your picks in before the game for Nok-A-Homa-Win-A-Lotta (click here to learn how to play and to view the leaderboard); the three categories are (1) Attendance, (2) Pick to Click, and (3) Above and Beyond Pick.

I feel like Wicky might if he was turned loose in the all-you-can-eat seats . . . I don't even know where to START.

So why not start by disclaiming? I do like Davies and this article actually made me happy. I especially love the bit about A-Rod sending him the bat. But Davies is one of those Other Kids who grew up playing with Heap and Frenchy (we used to have at least three -- I think Boyer is the only one who hasn't been dumped this season), and he's pulling a bit of a call out on Those Two now that he's gone. Who saw that coming?? Not me!

~~

Last night . . .

Frenchy is dressing for the game, getting ready to run out onto the field.

Heap: Hey Frenchy, have you heard from Kyle lately?
Frenchy: Who?
Heap: KYLE DAVIES. You know, that guy we've played ball with since we were kids?
Frenchy: Oh yeah! You know . . . I haven't heard from him lately.
Frenchy: /looks around
Frenchy: Is he on the DL or something?
Heap: FRENCHY. He got traded to Kansas City, remember? You threw him a goodbye party at your house!
Frenchy: Man, I totally forgot about that! I was wondering why he hadn't started in awhile.
Heap: What is wrong with you?
Frenchy: Nothing! What's wrong with YOU?
Frenchy: /jogs toward the dugout

Heap: /sees the back of his jersey, laughs
Heap: Hey, Frenchy!
Frenchy: What?
Heap: You - ah - never mind.

Heap: Scooter, c'mere.
Scooter: Huh?
Heap: I'll bet you twenty bucks Frenchy doesn't find out they spelled his name wrong on his jersey until the fourth inning.
Scooter: Pssh! I bet you a hundred he notices it before his first at-bat!
Heap: You're on! Ha, I'm about to be a hundred dollars richer, my friend. He didn't even notice Kyle had been traded until just now!
Scooter: Uh-huh. Just watch.

Frenchy: /steps up to bat
Frenchy: /immediately checks himself out on the Jumbotron
Frenchy: Hey!
Frenchy: STOP THE GAME!
Frenchy: MY JERSEY HAS BEEN DEFILED!!

Heap: DAMMIT.
Scooter: Pay up.

~~

After the game, Frenchy is sulking in the clubhouse.

Heap: Aw, cheer up, at least we won the series.
Frenchy: But I went 0-4! I've been awful since we got home -- what's wrong with me?
Heap: Nothing - hey - you did well on the road trip.
Frenchy: Exactly! Why can't I hit at home? The opposite was true last year!
Heap: I don't know, it's probably just a --
Frenchy: I'VE GOT IT! I did well at home last year because I lived in your house!! It's good luck!
Heap: Uh -
Frenchy: Let me sleep on your couch tonight to see if it'll make a difference.
Heap: Frenchy -
Frenchy: Please!! C'mon, I'm really suffering here.
Heap: My girlfriend was going to come over!
Frenchy: So what? Your girlfriend LOVES me!
Heap: . . . What?!
Frenchy: Man, this is totally gonna work! I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!

~~

The following morning at Heap's house, Frenchy wakes up on the couch at the crack of dawn, and goes outside to get the morning paper.

Frenchy: /reading paper
Frenchy: "Giants sluggers get best of James"
Frenchy: Aww, they sure did. Hey, here's a story about Kyle!
Frenchy: "He's happier than he's been in a long time."
Frenchy: Well, neat! I'd better wake Heap up and tell him.

Frenchy: /pounds on Heap's bedroom door
Heap: /wakes up in a panic
Heap: What, what's wrong?!?
Frenchy: Hey! Check out this great story about Kyle!
Frenchy: /jumps onto his bed and throws the newspaper at him
Heap: Are you kidding me?
Frenchy: No! It says he smiled and everything!
Heap: /stares
Frenchy: I know, right? Hard to believe!
Heap: Frenchy - for God's sake.
Heap: /reads

Heap: "But it makes a big difference when you feel like you can go out there, and even though you came up short, you got a chance to do your best. I feel like I'm getting that chance here, to do whatever I can do to get out of stuff ... to try to win a ball game."
Heap: Hmph, is he saying he didn't get chances to do that here?
Frenchy: Nah, he just likes his new team is all!
Heap: /reads on
Heap: Is he complaining that he got pulled after 22 pitches in his last start here? "I need . . . I can't . . . this isn't a good situation for me." What does that even mean? Did he want to walk ten more runs in before we took him out??
Frenchy: "I needed to get out of there" - hmm, I never knew he felt that way.
Heap: Yeah, well, you didn't even realize he'd been traded until yesterday. But what's this crap about our clubhouse being "all business"?
Frenchy: Apparently in Kansas, "everybody comes up and talks" to him - hey, we talked to him! Didn't we?
Heap: Heck yeah! I comforted him when his evil twin was trying to ruin his life!

Frenchy: Maybe Evil Davies did the quotes for this article.
Heap: Nah, he doesn't like to deal with the press.
Frenchy: Well then, Good Davies just called us uptight!
Heap: Uptight! Us?!
Frenchy: The nerve! And check it out, A-Rod sent him a signed bat! I guess he has new, cooler friends now in the American League.
Heap: Didn't you like, throw a sandwich at A-Rod once?
Frenchy: No, no. I got mad at him for berating a clubhouse attendant who brought him the wrong sandwich.
Heap: I like the version where you throw a sandwich at him better.
Frenchy: Yeah, I wouldn't be opposed to you spreading that version.

~~

Meanwhile, in Kansas City . . .

Good Davies: Ahh, another glorious morning in my true spiritual home: Missouri!
Good Davies: I feel like a new person! Thank God I got out of the City That Must Not Be Named!
Good Davies: /checks cell phone
Good Davies: Hmph, Heap and Frenchy haven't called me since last week. I guess they're too busy with their precious lives.
Good Davies: No skin off my rear! I've got this baby for company!

Good Davies: /picks up the bat from A-Rod
Good Davies: /reads inscription
Good Davies: "To Kyle, it was a really good pitch. Sorry. Home run No. 500 to a good sport. A-Rod."
Good Davies: Ha ha! It was a really good pitch!
Good Davies: /turns the bat
Good Davies: "P.S. -- Is that guy Francouer totally mean or what?"
Good Davies: You are so wise, A-Rod.

~~

I didn't get to watch the game last night, but I recorded it. I wasn't going to bother, given the outcome, but I have to at least hear Skip's commentary on the Epic Misspelling of '07.