Let me preface this by saying I am a newish hockey fan- a virgin fan, if you will.

The potential of having the Phoenix Coyotes taken away has enraged and wounded me. My number one fear? Not that the team would move, but what would my husband do? Or my friends that put so much into the Coyotes?

After this year, I’ll no longer be a virgin. And hockey will not be a game. It's a business. One that capitalizes on hard work, ice and a touch of violence. And Moyes, whom I hope gets run over by a truck, has done what any self valuing individual would do to save his ass. Shame on the NHL for letting him take the risk for this team on his own. And then letting Gretzky coach, when he is not a trained professional coach.

Tonight I came home and was fuming - in particular at the fans that think the team could have been successful if the arena was downtown, that Glendale, AZ was too far. Unless one rides the bus, Glendale is not too far. And it’s no wonder that the rest of the country thinks we have fickle pansy fans with all this griping about a 40 minute or even 60 minute drive. Apparently these people have never commuted in California or Chicago.

I’m mad at the Canadian fan saying that hockey should only be played in a country where it is the #1 pastime. That leaves 1 sport for every country dumbass.

I’m annoyed at the folks who keep alluding to getting the Winnipeg Jets back. For their own sake- I hope they can move on from that betrayal. And now I understand. I understand why David Shoalts and other Canadian media have been snarking around waiting for the Phoenix Coyotes to fail. If the Yotes move, I could cheer for players, but will have a hard time cheering for any Team ButtBerry. Even if they don’t move- I couldn’t cheer for a Team ButtBerry.

The silver lining has been some of the support from other fans- Sabres, Puppets, Predators, Penguins and even Coyotes. People who have been through this before. And even people excited about another team in Canada- that express it in a non-douchebag way, even this, I’m glad to see.

We’re organizing, doing what we fans can to show the league and Yotes our support. And I’m just glad that in the midst of the craziness, the Hubs is willing to stop what he’s doing and listen to me. That to him- I’m more important.*

*On a side note- for all you hot and heavy fans out there- your chances of getting laid increase greatly when your significant other knows this.

Below is a little known theory developed on Valentine’s Day at a Phoenix Coyotes vs. Calgary Flames Hockey game.

V-Booty Theorem 

Theory:
The Victory Booty (V-Booty) Theorem suggests that there is a correlation between victory and sexual activities (AKA booty) amongst professional hockey players during the 3-4 hours following a competitive sporting event. Similar to Smith's "Winners Get Laid Theory" (1987), the V-Booty Theorem focuses on professional athletes, the first four hours after a win, and the achievement of "booty." The percentage chance that a winning player will achieve "booty" during the first four hours after a game is expressed with the following equation:

 Variables:

• V sub B = Victory Booty = % Chance of Post Game Booty
• S sub M = Post game shower minutes. It should be noted that 0 minutes of post game shower yields 0 booty.
• G = Goals
• A = Assists

Current Research:
This is fake. Though the topic is available as a dissertation subject for sports psychology, sexual health, and public health students.

Further Recommended Study:

• How does knowledge of V-Booty Theorem affect player performance?
• Does the V-Booty Theory cross over to male and female fans in attendance at the game?
• Does V Booty apply to male or female fans watching a game on TV?
• Is the theorem supported by antidotal evidence from real hockey players? (Feel free to ask next time that you're having an intimate conversation with one)
• What conditions are needed for booty to occur if there was 0 post game shower minutes?
• What is the post game recovery time needed prior to commencement of sexual activities?
• How to calculate Loser Booty?
• What is the impact of variables such as cuteness, money, age and marital status?

*A special thanks to the Hubs for helping draft formulas.  :-)

This just in:

Tonight at the Phoenix Hockey Arena, at the close of the first period, a small boy stood and proclaimed- I don't believe in Coyotes. I don't believe in Coyotes.

It started softly at first, and then spread through the arena. Local heroine Tinker Bell arrived on the scene, instigating a fight with the little boy and spurring fans to clap, but the damage had been done. At the beginning of the second period the Phoenix Coyotes died.

And Tinker Bell was tore the hell up.

She was arrested at 9:34 on Saturday evening for behavior unbecoming of a fairy. Since the Coyotes went down with very little fight* the team was found to be compliant with current fairy law, and therefore unchargable.

Fans await improved performance before committing to future clapping.

*Shout outs to Carcillo, Goertzen, Hoggan, Doan and Z for maintaining non-fairy behavior during a tough game.