SB Nation User Blog: Wendel's Moustache

Everyone's a Leafs fan

Wendel's Moustache — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:11:41 -0000

Everyone's a Leafs fan

Five Reasons Mats Sundin Can Suck My Left Testicle

Wendel's Moustache — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 00:37:11 -0000

Yeah I know, he was treated shabbily by management, he doesn't owe us anything, he gave his heart and soul, he's classy, he deserves to win a cup, and blah blah blah blah blah. I don't care. I don't even care that I've known that he wasn't coming back for a long time. I still don't like it, I still think it sucks, I still think we got jobbed, I still think he's taken a long, hot, steamy piss all over his legacy, I still think he's a hypocrite, I still think this is lame, and I still think Mats Sundin can suck my left nut. Argue with me all you want, you know deep down part of you feels the EXACT same way. This totally blows. Here are five reasons I wash my hands of the big Swede:

1. For all the talk of him never having the wingers he needed to be a top-flight superstar and to take the team to the promised land, he never once used his stature as captain of the team and the person with the most secure future in Blue and White (moreso than any coach or GM he played under) to push for those moves to be made. If Wayne Gretzky or Mark Messier or Steve Yzerman or any of those leaders of winning teams felt they didn't have the proper support, you can bet your ass they'd have used their stature and leverage as leaders and superstars to make that happen.

2. He was never angry enough about losing. Read quotes from him at the end of losing seasons, or after playoff defeats, or even over the last couple of years after shitty games, and he never got MAD, he never said he was EMBARRASSED by the state of his team, he never showed that he felt things were going in the wrong direction, he just stood there with his big stupid Swedish face and blathered a few cliches and then went back to not doing squat. Maybe once in a while he'd say the effort wasn't there, but that would be IT. Yes, he was a good leader in that he led by example on the ice, but again, Mess or Stevie Y would never have stood for that shit as long as Mats did.

3. He lied to us. He said he wouldn't start a season partway through. Then he did just that. He belittled Niedermayer and Selanne for coming back partway through a season, said he couldn't see how a person could consider themselves part of a team if they weren't there from the start, and then he did just that. He's a hypocrite, and that's lame.

4. He left Leafs fans hanging. Say what you will about him deserving more from the organization. The only reason he gets paid millions of dollars to play a game for a living is because of fans, and he was lucky enough to play in a market that would buy jerseys with his name on them and shell out hundreds of dollars more than his team was worth to see him play, and where he could get endorsement deals with Nike and McDonald's and Campbell's Chunky Soup, and all no matter how shitty his team was. I'm not saying he should have allowed himself to be traded last year at the deadline just to please us, but to sit there like a goddamn statue in Sweden and toss out little hints that he could retire or he could go back to Toronto or he could play somewhere else and to keep his fans guessing for so long... well, all I'll say is that there are little kids in Toronto who consider you a hero Mats, a living, breathing super hero, and you let them all down. I hope this was worth it.

5. In the end, he took the money. Vancouver is by no stretch of the imagination a top Stanley Cup contender. They're 14 points back of the top team in their conference, they count Kyle Wellwood among their top scorers, and the one asset that does put them head and shoulders above most teams, Roberto Luongo, has been hurt for weeks and who knows how close to 100% he'll be for the rest of the season. Yes Mats gets to play with the Swedish Stepford twins, but the Rangers, the Flyers and the Habs all look like better bets to go far in the playoffs than the Canucks do, even with a most-likely-out-of-shape centre who hasn't played a minute this season and is pushing 40. You sold out Mats, as if you needed the money, and it hurts.

Obviously I'm feeling very emotional right now about all of this, but fuck (yes, I said FUCK), this is really, really sad for Toronto, for hockey, and most of all for a player who I'd ALWAYS defended whenever people denigrated his skill, his playoff performances, his leadership ability, or his commitment to the city of Toronto. Mats, suck my left nut.

To Play Or Not To Play

Wendel's Moustache — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:17:49 -0000

Editor's Note: Mats' indecision has long since passed a threshold that could rightly be called ridiculous. Now, with this recently uncovered excerpt it looks like Mats might be thinking of avenging his father's murder.

Excerpt from Mats Sundin's journal, dated December 3, 2008:

To play or not to play, that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
Training camp with children seeking outrageous entry-level fortune
Or to take arms mid-season against a sea of trap-playing Devils
And by opposing, end their season in the first round. To cry, to golf;
No more; and by the front nine to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand torn ACLs
That flesh is heir to - 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To cry, to golf,
To golf, perchance to birdie. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that round what scores may come,
When we have shuffled out of the first round of the playoffs,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long and distinguished a career
For who would bear the poor wingers and scorns of Leafs Nation
Pat Quinn's wrong, Don Cherry's contumely,
The pangs of despised playoff performances, the referee's delay,
The insolence of rookie general managers, and the spurns
That patient merit of Jonas Hoglund takes,
When he himself might his retirement make
With a mere gesture? Who would continue to bear,
To grunt and sweat through 8 am practices,
But that the dread of life after retirement,
The undiscovered idleness that from which none
But those named Lemieux or whom have toiled for the Ducks of Anaheim returns
Puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear the multi-million-dollar contracts and screaming coaches
Than to fly off to a fanless fate we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is mitigated by the terms of the fore-offered contract,
And pro-rated salary along with available cap space to add complimentary pieces,
With this regard non-contenders turn away,
And lose the name of action.

Christmas Contest: Peter Laviolette is Reggie and other funny looking coaches

Wendel's Moustache — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:56:21 -0000

Peter Laviolette

IS

Reggie

Ken Hitchcock

IS

Sergeant Schultz

Jacques Lemaire

IS

Frank Lopez

Lou Lamoriello

IS

Admiral Akbar

...

I am really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bored at work today...

Christmas Contest: Wendel Clark in the Hall of Fame - A Statistical Argument

Wendel's Moustache — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:11:10 -0000

Okay, so I'm going to preface this obviously completely hypothetical exercise with a couple of salient points I think need to be addressed:

1. Yes, obviously, Wendel Clark is my favourite hockey player of all time, so even though I know he'll never be inducted I'm certainly biased toward believing he should be, at least on an emotional level.

2. If this were the hall of fame of any other sport, I wouldn't even bother making this argument. We all know, however, that the Hockey Hall Of Fame is not always a rational institution when it comes to whom it inducts (i.e. Clark Gillies) or ignores (i.e. Dino Ciccarelli and his 600+ goals), so I believe there is at least a far-flung, out of left field, let's-honour-the-gritty-old-boy-because-it's-a-shit-year-for-candidates chance he could maybe slip through someday, as unlikely as that is.

3. In the following post I'll be comparing recent stats with those of players from a long time ago. The argument of course can be made that, especially during the Original Six era, the talent level was much higher as fewer teams meant a less watered down product, and therefore Dick Duff and his Darcy Tuckeresque stats (Duff - 1030 GP, 283-289-572; Tucker - 833 GP, 201-242-443) is more impressive than the above-mentioned Ciccarelli and his almost point-per-game and half-goal-per-game averages over more than 1200 games, or any of a legion of other retired or soon-to-be-retired NHLers who will never be enshrined next to the underground food court at Brookfield Place. Well whatever. It's a tired argument, and while it may be true in some respects, it's also true that the physical conditioning of modern players, the advent of the butterfly goaltender along with the increase in goalie equipment size, advances in both skater and goaltender equipment technology (lighter pads, composite sticks, etc.) and the massive influx of European talent has in a lot of ways mitigated, if not counteracted, that supposition. So for the purposes of my post I'm just going to call that all a wash and compare stats as if they carry identical value. One thing I will not do is look at pre-Original-Six-era (anything before 1942) stats, as the game from that period differed so greatly from what came after. Just because King Clancy only had 136 goals in 592 games, I'm not going to suggest he isn't worthy of the hall. Clark Gillies though? Let's just say arguments can be made there...

All that said, let's begin.

We'll start by taking a look at Wendel's career NHL stat totals:

Regular Season    GP         G         A         P
                                  793        330    234     564
                                  Points-per-game - .71
                                  Goals-per-game - .42

Playoffs                    GP         G         A         P
                                   95          37       32       69
                                  Points-per-game - .72
                                  Goals-per-game - .39

By today's standards, these are far from hall of fame numbers. Playing less than 800 games, unless you've got numbers like Bobby Orr, Mike Bossy, or Cam Neely, is probably an automatic disqualification these days (hell even if you have those numbers you probably won't get in, ask Eric Lindros). Plus the lack of a Stanley Cup or any individual hardware doesn't help matters. But again, for the sake of this argument, let's take the era factor out of it and compare the numbers. Here are 10 Honoured Members of the Hockey Hall Of Fame, all forwards, who have comparable-or-worse career numbers and/or averages than Wendel Clark:

Regular Season    GP         G         A         P        PPGavg.    GPGavg.

Dick Duff                  1030     283     289    527 .52              .27

Clark Gillies            958       319     378    697     .72              .33

Teeder Kennedy    696       231     329    560     .80               .33

Dave Keon
(NHL+WHA)          1597     498      779    1277 .79    .31
(NHL only)              1296     396      590    986     .76              .31

Edgar Laprade      500        108     172    280     .56              .21

Dickie Moore          719        261     347    608     .85              .36

Bill Mosienko         711        258     282    540     .75              .36

Bert Olmstead       848        181     421    602     .70              .21

Bob Pulford            1079     281     362     643     .59              .26

Harry Watson        809        236     207     443     .55              .29

Now I'm not going to suggest that these guys should not be in the hall of fame. I don't think anyone would argue against Dickie Moore or Teeder Kennedy being inducted right now if they weren't already, and I dare anyone to tell my father that Dave Keon shouldn't be there (if you take me up on that, I'd suggest wearing a cup and a good pair of running shoes). Career longevity is a factor, as is importance to a team and comparisons to other players around the league during an inducted member's career. The point is that from a numbers perspective, Clark certainly deserves consideration. It's true that there are more deserving players statistically who should be looked at first, but this is my game and it's about Wendel. Let's rank him against these ten players in each of these categories (using Keon's NHL and WHA totals):

GAMES PLAYED

1. Keon
2. Pulford
3. Duff
4. Gillies
5. Olmstead
6. Watson
7. Clark
8. Moore
9. Mosienko
10. Kennedy
11. Laprade

TOTAL POINTS

1. Keon
2. Gillies
3. Pulford
4. Moore
5. Olmstead
6. Clark
7. Kennedy
8. Mosienko
9. Duff
10. Watson
11. Laprade

GOALS

1. Keon
2. Clark
3. Gillies
4. Duff
5. Pulford
6. Moore
7. Mosienko
8. Watson
9. Kennedy
10. Olmstead
11. Laprade

ASSISTS

1. Keon
2. Olmstead
3. Gillies
4. Pulford
5. Moore
6. Kennedy
7. Duff
8. Mosienko
9. Clark
10. Watson
11. Laprade

POINTS PER GAME

1. Moore
2. Kennedy
3. Keon
4. Mosienko
5. Gillies
6. Clark
7. Olmstead
8. Pulford
9. Laprade
10. Watson
11. Duff

GOALS PER GAME

1. Clark
T2. Moore
T2. Mosienko
T4. Gillies
T4. Kennedy
6. Keon
7. Watson
8. Duff
9. Pulford
T10. Laprade
T10. Olmstead

AVERAGE RANK BASED ON THESE CATEGORIES

1. Keon
2. Gillies
3. Moore
T4. Clark
T4. Pulford
T6. Kennedy
T6. Mosienko
8. Olmstead
9. Duff
10. Watson
11. Laprade

So there you go. These numbers of course don't prove Clark should be there, or prove any of the other players named shouldn't be. What I think this does prove is that it's not too far-fetched to have Wendel's name be part of the conversation every year when induction is being discussed. When you couple his statistical comparablility with the above mentioned hall of famers, along with his obvious impact on his team and on the sport in this city, I don't think there's any doubt that Wendel Clark is at least worthy of being mentioned as a possible Honoured Member of the Hockey Hall of Fame. Now let the comment debate begin.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

Damien Cox Will Condemn Luke Schenn To A Cupless Career!

Wendel's Moustache — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 17:08:38 -0000

Editor's Note: All it takes to pick The Omen apart is some patience and an aversion to paying for his entire articles. Read this great fanpost by one of the iconic parts of Wendel Clark to see proof that Damien is multi-talented. Not only can he contradict himself within the same paragraph or the same article but over time his opinion morphs like a Vichy Frenchman.

Call it the Cox Curse but every defenseman picked in the first round that Damien Cox has claimed was ruined by the Leafs rushing them along never won a Stanley Cup after leaving the team, no matter how illustrious a post-Toronto career they had. And when printing this list of never-got-theres for the first time very early in young Carlo Colaiacovo's career, he might very well have sentenced the kid to a lifetime of never drinking from the silver chalice. What's worse, he's now starting to make the same noises about Luke Schenn.

Will his poison pen (or word processor, as it were) condemn both of these poor souls to the hell of a Cupless existence? TIme will tell, but in the meantime I'll present you with some evidence (gleaned from the one or two paragraphs I'm able to read that appear in the "FREE" section when I do an archive search of old Damien Cox columns on thestar.ca, as I'm too cheap to pay for full access) of why I think Cox may be in the process of using voodoo columnist black magic to mess up the hockey lives of these innocent young men.

Cox typed the following sentence:

Should Colaiacovo sign by next week and stay for some or all of the regular season, it would be the ninth time the Leafs have started a defenceman taken in the first round in the NHL before his 20th birthday.

- October 4, 2002

He doesn't go on to name those eight other men in the paragraphs that aren't only available to paid subscribers, but a photo caption without the accompanying photos does appear, with THESE NAMES:

Jeff Ware, Luke Richardson, Al Iafrate, Jim Benning, Gary Nylund, Kenny Jonsson, Drake Berehowsky

Being too lazy to do too much research, I am going to assume the other defenseman taken in the first round who started before his 20th birthday is the greatest hockey player in the history of the universe, but also a non-Cup winner, the recently honoured Wendel Clark (who of course was drafted first overall as a defenseman and played his first game as Leaf at 18). If it's not Wendel, then I will change my theory to be about the PICTURES instead of the NAMES, but the basic premise holds (in this increasingly ridiculous scenario).

Cox was also incensed, as he is today about Schenn, that Colaiacovo was not being returned to his junior team. Compare the eerily similar sentiments expressed in the following two quotes:

As the Leaf defence continues to have problems, it's perplexing why [Pat Quinn] won't give rookie Carlo Colaiacovo a single start given that he also refuses to send the young man back to junior hockey.

- October 22, 2002

It was a mistake to keep Schenn in the NHL - minus-five on this western road swing - and burn the first year of his entry level contract, but again, we'll give Fletcher this one.

- November 17, 2008

Yes, a difference exists in that Ron Wilson is playing Schenn while Pat Quinn was catering to his beloved veterans and sitting Carlo but the fact remains that Cox is saying the same things today as he was six years ago. Can an article grouping Schenn with the above-mentioned walking jinxes be far behind?

Well, we'll know when suddenly Cox goes all Sybil on our asses, starts contradicting himself week-to-week, and espouses two COMPLETELY, DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED PHILOSOPHIES AT EXACTLY THE SAME TIME. Oh, wait, that's already started, just as it was back in 2002.

When Carlo was sent back to junior that year, and selected for the Canadian entry to the 2003 World Junior Championship, Cox wrote a number of articles that appear in the few sentences I can see to promote the blueliner as the leader of Canada's defense corps and the future of the Toronto Maple Leafs, a kid to hold on to at all costs.

Then, three weeks after Canada fell to the Russians and settled for the silver medal, Cox decided that in fact Carlo should have been shipped out months before in a future-mortgaging push to win it all in 2002:

Well, it seems fair to suggest that Alexei Kovalev or a similar player (Pavel Bure?) could have made a crucial difference in the Eastern Conference final against Carolina last spring. The Leafs just might have made it to the Stanley Cup final.

If the Leafs had sacrificed, say, Carlo Colaiacovo back then, or Nik Antropov, just how different would their prospect stable look right now? Antropov's stock is higher today, but Colaiacovo is regarded as the same top-quality prospect he was last year.

- January 25, 2003

A few weeks later, he was at it again, pushing for Colaiacovo to be traded for immediate defensive help:

Now defenseman needed, maybe two

Aaron Miller, 31, Los Angeles Kings: He has the size that Teppo Numminen and Alexei Zhitnik don't, but far less of an offensive game. He can handle the puck effectively and make the first pass, and plays with a superior level of enthusiasm and combativeness.

Glen Wesley, 34, Carolina Hurricanes: Leaf fans watched this veteran help the Hurricanes past the Leafs in last spring's conference final. He doesn't have the offensive game any more and lacks a physical component, but he's cagey and can move the puck efficiently and help out on the power play.

Of all these players, Wesley is the likeliest to end up in Toronto and a player who would come at a moderate cost. Even if Numminen, Zhitnik or Miller can be had, the Leafs would have to be prepared to sacrifice either Nik Antropov or Carlo Colaiacovo.

- March 7, 2003

Now keep in mind, this is the same Damien Cox who just today wrote an article about why trading a six-years-older, six-years-more-damages, underachieving healthy scratch of a defenseman who was sitting eighth on the depth chart of a blueline crew that isn't exactly blowing the league away with either their solid defensive play or their ability to chip in on offense, along with a forward who had regressed in every year he played for the team and was currently sitting pretty with four points in his first 20 games, for a point-a-game player of the exact same age, playing a position they were much thinner in, who had scored more goals and points than either of the players he was traded for, who had played in more than TWICE the games as Colaiacovo in fewer seasons, was a terrible move and indicative of just how ridiculous an organization the Toronto Maple Leafs are.

Of course, Damien Cox would never trade the future for the present:

With Tanenbaum as chairman, the Leafs have, as has been the case for much of their history, squandered first round draft picks and prospects in search of the quick fix.

- September 26, 2008

Unless of course the present is actually the 2003 trade deadline:

I've never dumped on the Leafs for the [Owen] Nolan deal because I argued at the time it was a good deal for the team...

- March 19, 2008

So apparently, according to Cox, trading top-level prospects for washed-up veterans in order to make immediate runs for the Stanley Cup is okay, and when the Leafs don't do it they're guilty of "yakking and not acting" (January 25, 2003), . But trading former top-level prospects who have proven themselves to be anything but elite at the NHL level after being given several seasons to show that they were worthy of their high draft numbers for a relatively cheap young player who has scored significantly in the top league and is on pace to score 68 points (according to my rudimentary head math), or 48 more than the combined total Steen and Colaiacovo are on pace to score in the highly unlikely circumstance in which they actually play in all of the Blues' remaining games is evidence that the Leafs organization is "behaving as though it was one of the many over-served fans at last weekend's Grey Cup in Montreal" (November 25, 2008).

So Brad Boyes (future 40-goal-scorer) and Alyn McCauley (excellent defensive forward, playoff hero and heart and soul player) for Owen Nolan (42 points in 61 games for San Jose the season he was traded to Toronto) = good; Carlo Colaiacovo (one point in 10 games, regular healthy scratch, 101 games played in last 5 NHL seasons) and Alex Steen (four points in 20 games, decreasing goal totals since rookie season) for Lee Stempniak (13 points in 14 games, 27-goal scorer two seasons ago, same age as Colaiacovo and played in 160 of 162 games in last two seasons to Carlo's 76) = bad.

Now that I've rambled on and on and on about what a weird, schizo, hypocritical ass-covering, logic-impared (did I mention he uses Stempniak's 16 goals scored in his last 97 games as the pertinent offensive fact to prove his worthlessness as opposed to his proportionally MASSIVE production this season as compared to the people he was traded for?) dillhole. I want to tie this all together succinctly because most of this is non-sensical and I really need some sleep. Basically Damien Cox is the devil. When he mentions first-round-drafted players in the context of being ruined by the Toronto Maple Leafs, he's specifically using black magic to taint young Leafs blueliners with the Cup-defying jinx that ruined the lives of defensemen like Al Iafrate and Luke Richardson.

This is because he's pure, unadulterated evil, and this is evidenced by his speaking in many different voices at once (like Linda Blair). You know that he's amping up his evil powers to destroy another young Leaf rearguard's career when his contradictions and seductive-but-flawed, illogical siren song of trading away the future for help now and holding on to prospects at the expense of immediate veteran help are both the reason that the Leafs are the worst organization in professional sports. This is because he hates you, and me, and everyone else who is stupid, naive and good-hearted enough to love the Toronto Maple Leafs. Also, he killed Jesus and probably hangs out with Dick Cheney. He will destroy us all!!!

Wendel's Moustache

P.S. I just reread this before posting it. I really fucking need to sleep...

Rumours I inven.... I mean heard today:

Wendel's Moustache — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 03:58:37 -0000

Due to the NHL's stance on Jonas Frogren and some revamped Russian labour laws in the wake of the Evgeni Malkin situation, Omsk will now be paying Jaromir Jagr $4200 per season, under penalty of decapitation should he try to break his contract and return to North America.

Ryan Smyth checked into rehab today. Apparently his religious persona was just a cover for a MAJOR LEAGUE crack addiction. Also he likes hookers.

Bobby Clarke kicked Jason Smith square in the nuts on his way out of Philly, and then charged Smith $12 for a scuff mark that was left on his Italian shoes.

Kevin Lowe and Brian Burke were spotted canoodling at a popular Hollywood restaurant late last night. They were overheard discussing whether or not to adopt a Malaysian baby together. People Magazine will have pictures in next week's issue.

The Leafs convinced Wendel Clark to come back ONE MORE TIME and captain them for the upcoming year. All 29 other teams promptly conceded the season. The Stanley Cup parade takes place this Saturday, July 12, beginning at Nathan Phillips Square at noon.

I'm Sorry, I Just Can't Help Myself...

Wendel's Moustache — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 07:19:49 -0000

HEADLINES I HOPE TO SEE NEXT SEASON:

Freddy Got Fingered
Modin Injured In Collision With Leafs Defenseman

Finger Licking Good
Leafs Defenseman Pummels Chris Neil

Finger On The Trigger
Leafs Defenseman Beats Biron In OT

Okay that last one isn't even really funny at all but it's 3:16 AM and I just got off work... plus my best friend is a goddamn Flyers fan, of all things...

I'm sure given a few more hours and another five or six beers I can come up with some more, but for now, that is all...

Bryan McCabe Is My Father

Wendel's Moustache — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:58:56 -0000

Dear Bryan McCabe,

I'm super glad to hear that you're staying in Toronto against the wishes of your team, your city, the media, local hair stylists and the Ontario chapter of MENSA. Stay strong!

What makes me so happy about you sticking around to score countless more overtime goals (in the other team's net next time hopefully, but I can see how that's an easy mistake to make what with both nets looking so similar), the reason I'm writing to you today, is that I am in fact your son.

If you haven't at this point deleted my e-mail and called your agent desperately seeking a trade to a non-extradition team in south Florida, let me assure you that I am not after any back child-support or missed Christmas presents or New York Islanders memorabilia (it must have effing ROCKED being a captain in the NHL!). All I want is to hang out together. All the time. At your house. At my house. In the dressing room. You can give me a mohawk and I can help you read your contract. I can learn the can-opener from you and you can dictate hate mail to Damian Cox for me to type up. Oh it will be just wonderful! What better reason to stay in Toronto than to hang out wiith ME!

Or you could, you know, leave... sure, everyone else in Toronto would be so excited, but think of how sad I'd be. Yes, you'd be off the hook, you'd still be making good money, you'd actually be PLAYING in the NHL instead of being paid not to skate, you'd have a chance to remake your career in a place where you're not booed every time you hit the ice, but I'd be devastated!

So please, Dad, endure the boos and the scorn of the city, become a league-wide laughing-stock for a team that dislikes you so much they're considering paying you your full, massive, ginormous salary and still don't want to even see you in uniform, let alone on the power play. Do it for me. Your son and only remaining Toronto fan.

Sincerely,
WM