In case you missed it, the B1G and Pac 12 are teaming up to add some fun to the scheduling for Football and Basketball. What was missed was that the initial match-ups were released, showing that the conferences have the same sense of humor that the U.S. Open golf tournament usually has.

Minnesota vs. UCLA: Both of these schools were once football powers, the same way the Ottoman Empire was once a power (Long before most of us were born).

USC vs. tOSU: To be efficient, this game will be played at the NCAA Headquarters in Indianapolis, and the winner will be put on probation with a scholarship reduction.

Oregon St. vs. Michigan St.: There’s nothing more entertaining than two little brothers fighting for the right to not sit bitch in the back of the station wagon. Have at it, little fellas.

Colorado vs. Nebraska: At halftime everybody faces north and drops trou to moon Texas.

Cal vs. Chicago: The Clark Shaughnessy Bowl.

Michigan vs. Arizona: Rich Rodriguez gets fired twice at halftime.

Washington St. vs. Indiana: This game has will not actually be played, as The International War Crimes tribunal has declared it a crime against football.

Penn St. vs. Oregon: This matchup was made simply because of the class, dignity, and tradition of PSU’s uniforms, and the complete lack of those things associated with Oregon’s.

Arizona St. vs. Illinois: Two programs that spectacularly under-perform on a regular basis will be paired to create a game that will be surprisingly good.

Iowa vs. Utah: “In heaven there is no beer, that’s why we drink it…hey, where does a guy go to get a beer here in Utah?”

Washington vs. Wisconsin: Remember that time these schools won a national title? Well, at least Washington had one for a few years.

Northwestern vs. Stanford: Teams will dress up as either storm troopers or rebels, the coin toss will be replaced with a game of Chess, and kickers will be required to prove their extra points. Q.E.D., bitches.

After the jump, a guide on invading Minneapolis this year.

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  So you're planning on invading Minneapolis like a poorly-mannered Mongolian Hoarde.  Congratulations!  Confucius said that a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single drunken stagger, or something close to that, anyway.  Since I have accepted Minnesota's inevitable fate (You using the whole fist, Kirk?) I've decided to be what all Minnesotans are: a good, but passive-aggressive, host.  With the move to TCF Bank Stadium last year some of the details have changed, so consider this a resource for not getting your car towed by the assholes from campus police or the city of Minneapolis.

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EDIT: I'm killing the original.  It does look too much like an ad.

So, fellow football fans, we're 22 days away from an opportunity to get blackout drunk to stave off hypothermia and try to forget what will probably not be a very good football game from my point of view.  I'm guessing that quite a few of you will be making the trek up to check out the new stadium and irritate the hell out of me and cheer your deplorable team on to probable victory.  

In the original post, I asked people to frequent one particular bar I go to.  That's too close to being an ad, and I don't need to push crap on here.  If anyone does want to meet before/after the game, send an e-mail to whitespeedreceiver@gmail.com.  But if you do go to the game, please visit the local bars and restaurants around campus.  The fact that we suck more dong than Chasey Lain has made things very tough on the owners of establishments.

Thank you and apologies,

WSR

Because you can't have just one team involved in a recruiting scandal in college football, you have to assume that somewhere underneath this whole Cam Newton mess is at least one more school out there.  We here understand that some of you may not appreciate the depth of delicate situations like this one.  To help understand the intricacies of such shenanigans, we've brought in EDSBS SEC Recruiting Scandal correspondent Logan Young to help break things down.

Mr Young, your thoughts?

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  I was listening to NFL Radio a little while ago, and Mike Lombardi was on discussing a few offseason moves and the draft, when he was asked if Kansas City might reach Bulaga at 5.  He said yes, but he then threw in an interesting disclaimer.  "The problem with Iowa players is that what you see is what you get, and there's not much upside."  I thought about it for a second, and from his point of view it makes sense.  But I tend to look at the NFL the way the NFL looks at all of us (a way to make money, and nothing else).  From the standpoint of college football, that's really one of the ultimate compliments that can be paid to Kirk Ferentz and his staff: they get everything they can out of their players, and they develop them to the peak of their abilities.

Stop.  Really.  Just stop.  You're not good at all.  Except for Sid, none of you really seem to have any idea what's going on at the University of Minnesota.  And while Sid may know what's going on, he's gotten to the point where he's a few croûtons short of a salad.

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The legislature is back in session, which means it's time for another round of action by the Minnesota government that will inevitably affect Gopher fans.  Last year it was the blatantly incompetent attempt at populism through the alcohol bill.  This year, like it or not, is the lack of proposal for a Vikings stadium.  While you may or may not be a fan of the Vikings, they do have a few effects on Gophers.  For some reason that escapes me, the coaches in the past have said it's a benefit to recruiting to have them in town.  Another issue is that if the Vikings leave there will be more attention focused on the Gophers, good and bad.  The media tends to focus solely on the negative, which will probably not change because the media here is crap (If you're a member of the Twin Cities media and reading this, sorry, but the truth hurts).  The only thing that could get that to change would be winning, because the media here is a bunch of whores.  The other issue I can think of right away is that if the Gophers football team is the only show in town, you can expect ticket prices to go up.  How much would clearly be up for debate, but people love to go to football games, and the Gophers would be the big kid on the block once again.  A numbers geek could have a field day thinking about the possibilities for the Maroon and Gold if this does play out.      

There are really two ways a person can look at today's game.  The first is that the defenses played nearly flawlessly and that Iowa has better football players (and/or is better coached) on offense than Minnesota, and that was the difference.  Being the delusional homer that I am, I choose to believe this.  The other view would be that Iowa did their best Milton Berle impression and whipped out just enough to win.  Either way, if you like defense it was a great game.  I think the defenses did more than enough to frustrate the offenses and win the game.

Congratulations again,

WSR

Human College Football Cyborg Phil Steele has released his mid-season All-Conference and All-American teams.  There are a few familiar names on the list.

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  I have never felt this way before.  It's almost nauseating.  Deep down, I almost want to cry.  But in the end it really is for the best.

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Every week, I'll be providing a special type of power poll: For those people who are about to be unemployed.  No assistant coaches here (You can start breathing again, Georgia OC Mike Bobo), just the guys who wear the big headsets.  For those of you who may say this is macabre, you're right.  I run the dead pool for my office, too (will you hurry up already, Patrick Swayze?).

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After reviewing the game multiple times, careful consultation of my magic 8 ball, and playing with the Flanker Mutt (who was wearing her Gopher collar), I have come up with a comprehensive review of what happened on Saturday and what we've learned about the team.  I have watched it from multiple angles and multiple definitions, including HD from my couch, HD from my recliner, and SD from my bed.  I've used all my years of playing, coaching and watching to prepare this summary.

So without further adu, here it is: We still don't know a damn thing.  

It took a lot of hard work and dedication to the cause, but Iowa finished in the Top 5.  A special tip of the cap is owed to Kirk Ferentz and the coaching staff who were able to find the young men that enabled Iowa to perform to the high level that they did this offseason.  Some people will try to diminish your success by saying that it was a weak season, and it was.  But in the end Iowa was one of the best programs in the country this year.  Congratulations again! 

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/09/03/fulmer-cup-2009-the-final-tally/comment-page-1/#comment-355890

As we slowly lurch toward the kickoff of the 2009 football season, it's time to take a first look at the Big Ten schedules, starting with this preview of the non-conference slate.  While there are a couple inter-BCS conference matchups that should appeal to most football fans, the sum of the games can be described in one word: Yuck.

Illinois: (Missouri (in St. Louis), Illinois St., Fresno St. @ Cincinnati) The series with Mizzou has been a good one the last few years, but the Tigers are replacing pretty much everyone on offense.  Illinois should go 4-0, but never assume anything when <NAME REDACTED> is roaming the sidelines as the head coach.  Now that he got an extension today,  it seems even more likely that they'll piss down their leg against Illinois St.

Indiana: (Eastern Kentucky, Western Michigan, @Akron, @ Virginia) Eastern Kentucky was 7-1 in their conference last year, but lose their QB.  If Indiana loses that game, they may go doughnut.  Al Groh vs. Bill Lynch may be a matchup of two of the worst coaches in college football.  1-3.

Iowa: (Northern Iowa, @ Iowa St, Arizona, Arkansas St.) When you pay $3 million a year for a coach and have that schedule, you better go 4-0.  Arizona is the most interesting game, but they're replacing a ton of starters.  Iowa St. may be better without Chizik, but it'll take time to flush the system.

Michigan: (Western Michigan, Notre Dame, Eastern Michigan, Delaware St.)  Michigan's trying to pad their record and win the Michigan state title.  Delaware St. is actually forfeiting a conference game to take a shot at the Wolverines, but I doubt they'll be as HOT! HOT! HOT! as Appalachian St.  They'll be 3-1 and halfway to a bowl game with the whooping they'll take from Notre Dame.

Michigan St: (Montana St., Central Michigan, @ Notre Dame, Western Michigan)  Playing at Notre Dame is the only one that could pose a problem.  That should be another game to watch, if only to see if either Michigan St. or Notre Dame is for real.  4-0. 

Minnesota: (@Syracuse, Air Force, Cal, South Dakota St.)  This is the toughest one to break down objectively (obviously).  The game against Cal is another of the intruiging Big Ten/Pac 10 match-ups, but no sane Gopher fan should walk into the stadium expecting a win.  Air Force just screams trap game.  The other two are soft, delicious cupcakes.  3-1* (astrict thrown in due to blatant homerism.  Your prediction may vary)

Northwestern: (Miami (OH), Towson, @ Syracuse, Eastern Michigan)  The only reason this isn't the worst Non-Conference schedule in the conference is because they actually go on the road to Syracuse.  They'll go 4-0 pretty easily.

Ohio St.: (Navy, USC, @ Toledo, New Mexico St.)  The USC game is one of the inter-conference match-ups everyone should be looking forward to.  It's the best Non-Conference game of the year for the Big Ten.  Navy could be sneaky because they're one of the few teams that run the option, but OSU's superior talent should take care of them.  3-1 seems reasonable.neaky because they're one of the few teams that run the option, but OSU's superior talent should take care of them.  3-1 seems reasonable.

Penn St.: (Akron, Syracuse, Temple, Eastern Illinois)  Yawn.  Without a doubt the worst Non-Conference schedule in the Big Ten.  If they're not 4-0, something's horribly wrong.

Purdue: (Toledo, @ Oregon, Northern Illinois, Notre Dame) A respectable schedule for a team with a new coach.  Unfortunately, they're going to take their lumps at Oregon and against Notre Dame.  2-2 should be a good start for them.

Wisconsin: (Northern Illinois, Fresno St., Wofford, @ Hawaii)  If they didn't have this schedule, they wouldn't go to a bowl this year.  They have no room to stumble, and shouldn't.  The Hawaii game is more of a vacation for the boosters and players than an actual game.  A Wisconsin fan I talk to says he's nervous about the Fresno St. game, but they're not the same giant-killers they were a few years under Pat Hill.

Best Game: USC at Ohio State.  Like I said before, it's going to be one of the best games of the year.  Even if OSU gets pummeled, it'll be better to watch than Penn St.-Temple. Runners-up include Cal-Minnesota, Missouri-Illinois, and Michigan St.-Notre Dame

Worst Game: Indiana at Akron.  This game should not be televised, because of the irreparable harm it may do to the game of football, children everywhere who may accidentally tune into it on ESPN 17, and America as a whole.  Not only that, but it would probably have Pam Ward calling it.  There were no runners up becuase this game is so putrid it makes me sick to type about it.

So there you have my unprofessional opinion.  Now digest it, comment and tell me where I'm wrong, play a few more games of NCAA 10, and patiently wait for the last 41 days to wash away before football comes back to let us bask in it's glow.

Russ Archambault (2.7 PPG, 1.0 APG, 0.7 RPG, 0.1 BPG, 0.3 SPG, 1 program crippling admission), while hosting All-Everything high school star Khalid El-Amin of Minneapolis North, decides to get into a fight with the high school phenom over his potentially lost playing time.

El-Amin went on to win a National Championship with the University of Connecticut, scoring 13.8 PPG and chipping in 3.9 APG in 1998-1999.

Archambault did not win a National Championship.

Thinking they were out of the woods after Virginia hired Tony Bennett, Gopher fans will be very disappointed to learn that Head Coach Tubby Smith is considering an offer to become the head coach of the College of Cardinals.  This would obviously be a surprising move, because the once-powerful Cardinals have been declining in popularity for about 50 years.  Eugênio de Araújo Sales, senior member of the Cardinals, said today that Tubby's aggressive style and fiery gameday demeanor would bring something that's been lacking for a very long time to the pious group: the ability to keep younger people interested and older people awake.

This is by no means a done deal, however.  If Tubby has reservations about the 82 year-old Williams Arean being too old, one would imagine that the coach would be frightened by moving to the 383 year old St. Peter's Basilica for his home games.   

The UW Baseball Field, the most beautiful place in Madison. 

It looks like it's going to be another tough spring for Wisconsin baseball.  Having not won a game since 1991, it looks like the streak will continue through this year as well.  When asked about his team's chances this year, Coach Steve Land  screamed at me to get off his lawn and something about there not being a team any more.  It seems to this intrepid reporter that he was simply re-focusing his anger toward me because his team has finshed last in the Big Ten for 17 straight years, soon to be 18.

Coming soon, my review of Milton College's spring football practice.

Congratulations, Hawk fans.  Your team is #2 in the preseason preview for the Fulmer Memorial Cup, behind West Virginia and ahead of Alabama.  It's a pretty lofty ranking, but you guys have shown recently that you're a scrappy bunch ready for the spot.  Other Big Ten teams included in the Top 10 were Wisconsin and Michigan, while Ohio State and Minnesota were blatently overlooked.

http://www.miamihawktalk.com/home/news/story/9253/

Good luck guys, I hope you win.  Now I need to get back to crying and carving "55-0" into my arm.

There's a possibility we could be looking at a BCS Meltdown scenario where neither of the teams in the championship game have won their conference.  There are a few interesting things that need to happen, but it's possible.

- Oregon State wins the Civil War
- Florida State beats Florida
- Texas Tech beats Oklahoma
- Florida beats Alabama in the SECCG
- Mizzou beats Texas Tech in the BXIICG

If that happens the next two teams up are USC and Texas (according to the current BCS rankings.  If that happens, get ready for the bobbleheads at the 4 letters to start yapping about a playoff.

* Since 1950, The University of Minnesota has the same amount of National Championships in football as the skunk helmets from Ann Arbor: 1.

* The Victors is a terrible song.  They are not the champions of the west, they are not conqu'ring heroes, and they are certainly not the leaders or the best.

* They stole Princeton's helmets and didn't cite their work.

* Also, it has been brought to my attention that Ann Arbor is a whore.

IN

Penn St. (8-0, 4-0)

Ohio St. (7-1, 4-0)

Michigan St. (6-2, 3-1)

Minnesota (6-1, 2-1)

Northwestern (6-1, 2-1)

Good Position

Iowa (5-3, 2-2) Games @ Ill, vs. PSU, vs. Purdue, @ MN.  The Squawkeyes should thank whatever it is they pray to for Purdue.

Illinois (4-3, 2-2) Games @ UW, vs. Iowa, @ WMU, vs. OSU, and @ Northwestern.  They should be in, but nothing is given for a team coached by [REDACTED]

Work to do

Wisconsin (3-4, 0-4) Games @ ILL, @ MSU, @ IU, vs. MN, vs. Cal Poly.  If they don't beat Minnesota, they're probably on the outside looking in.

Better Luck Next Year

Michigan (2-5, 1-2) 2 losses put them out of bowl contention.  Michigan St., Minnesota, and Ohio State should provide 3.

Purdue (2-5, 0-3)  I said they quit 3 weeks ago.  I was wrong.  They put up a valiant fight against Ohio St. before packing it in.  The Old Oaken Bucket game shouldn't be televised, for the sake of the children.

Indiana (2-5, 0-4)  I feel bad for them.  I honestly do.  It's just not fair.  To lose Terry Hoeppner was tragic.  To replace him with Bill Lynch was criminal.

The University of Michigan claims that they are better than us, the poor slobs of the world.  They claim there is a "Michigan Difference."  They claim that their players are "Michigan Men," some sort of mythical being that is superior to the average football player.  But he truth is that Michigan has a 1/2 more National Titles than Minnesota during my dad's lifetime.  Their 106,201 fans that pack Michigan Stadium make a night at the Ordway seem rowdy.  Jim Harbaugh, one of their own, blasted the alleged academic superiority of their student-athletes.  Last year, while being ranked #5, they lost to Appalachian St., a 1-AA team that was visiting the Big House.  It was starting to look like things couldn't get any worse.

Fortunately, they now have this man leading them.

via blog.mlive.com

This week's Tuesday Schaudenfreude comes to us from Madison, WI courtesy of Ohio State's Terrelle Pryor.

via www1.pictures.gi.zimbio.com

Ohio State thwarting the (National Title) (Big Ten) (Rose Bowl) unrealistic hopes of Badger fans.   You can almost see the tears of #2 in the background.  It's beautiful.  Coming in a close second was Iowa and it Jug effort against Michigan State to get closer to bowl eligibility.  Check back next week for more shameful joy at the expense of teams we hate.

Note: Strikethrough isn't working, so I had to use parethesiseses.

Right now, the Gophers are 5-1 (1-1).  That alone is reason for positivity.  But here's some more: Human College Football Computer Phil Steele (Humanity's only hope against Skynet) is predicting that the Gophers will finish the Big Ten 4-4, tied with Northwestern and Michigan St in a logjam in the middle. 

A quick show of hands: Who here had the Gophers at 8-4 at the beginning of the year?  Make sure you point out if you were a complete homer or drunk.