The Rakes of Mallow malaise this week has struck the Friday Afternoon Tailgate Preview as well. That and a Thursday night weekend warmup in Chicago's Lincoln Park neighborhood  Here are 3 quick half-assed weekend predictions anyway.

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In the words of the inimitable Daily Show Correspondent Rob Riggle, TO THE FACE! In case LeGarret Blount's Iron Mike impression didn't get you jacked and pumped for this weekend's FOOTBAW festivities, here's something that will.

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Preseason practice is already upon us and with unbridled optimism fueling even the most despondent of Irish fans - a 400 pound hang clean from Ian Williams????@#??@, gee whiz he's strong! And oh boy, Jimmy worked out with his receivers in California! He's becoming a leader, just like our Brady! - it's time to examine your collective expectations for the 2009 season. Inspired by our friends at Cosmo, here's a quiz that will reveal your deepest, darkest hedonistic passions about Notre Dame football.

1) How many wins would it take this season for you to feel comfortable with Coach Weis keeping his job for 2010?

A - Well, we're going undefeated - Trojans Break! - so this is a moot point.

B - At least eleven.  Have you seen our schedule?  It's an embarrassment, and so is the fact Weis was kept after last year. It's like Kevin White never left.

C - It's tough to say without knowing the quality of opponents and injuries and stuff. I just hope we show consistent improvement over the course of the season.

D - Wins and losses aren't as important as how many times we run the ball!  But we should be undefeated. No excuses. Ara won a national title in his third year.

2) What do you typically find yourself saying about the Irish offense?

A- "Last week on NCAA 2010, JC threw for 710 yards and 8 touchdowns, but I know that's just inflated video game stats. I'm a realist. But basketball on grass sure is fun, Jimmy needs 60+ attempts just to get into a rhythm."

B- "Was it my imagination or did Jimmy just keep mouthing the words "go deep" to Golden at the line scrimmage all game?"

"No, I saw that too. And I saw Charlie nodding in approval behind his play calling sheet and stroking Jimmy's hair between series."

C-  "Our offense really seemed to be clicking on all cylinders but then Jimmy kept hot-routing at the line and chucking it deep. And where did Armando Allen go? Did he even get on the field in the second half?"

D-  "What happened to goddamn smashmouth football?  Do we even recruit fullbacks anymore!?"

3) What do you think of Notre Dame's scheduling policies?

A - Shows that the Athletic Department is at the forefront of competitive innovation. Everyone knows you can't compete for national titles if you don't go undefeated. And that's the only way to get recruits who run 4.16 40s and bench press 670 pounds.

B- Embarrassing. We should be playing top 25 teams every week. And not in San Antonio.

C- Not the best, but certainly not the worst. At least there aren't any 1-AA teams on the schedule. (Ed Note: This poll was created before the NCAA relegated Washington St to the FCS in favor of Northern Iowa).

D- Schedule? 1988, that was a schedule! We shouldn't be playing anyone not named Texas, Oklahoma, Florida, LSU, Georgia, Alabama, Southern Cal, Ohio State, Michigan, or Penn State. Except for Army and Navy of course. History.

4) What's your opinion of current Notre Dame President, Father John Jenkins?

A- Who's that, the team chaplain? I really like it when he flaps his arms on the sidelines during games. But why does he wear all black with a white collar? It makes him look like a penguin. He really should be wearing an authentic jersey so that everyone knows he supports the IRISH. Like a #9 ZIBBY jersey. I just know he's going to be starting for the Ravens this year. AT LINEBACKER! (Simulates a Zibby knockout punch).

B- Fredo, I know it was you.

C- He seemed to be teetering a bit during the whole Obama debate, but he had one helluva speech at Commencement. I didn't know he had it in him.

D- I'm not at liberty to discuss his name in public because of a pending lawsuit resulting from my actions on campus in May 2009.

5) What head coach would you most like to see roaming the Notre Dame sideline next season? 

A- Charlie, Jr. I heard he's been playing NCAA Football on his playstation since he was 4. I know an offensive coordinator prodigy when I see one.

B- (Rants about not pulling the trigger on Weis after the USC debacle last year. Can be heard muttering the words Kelly, Godfather offer to Urban, and something about not exploring Saban as a candidate in 2004).

C- I would be fine with one more year of Weis as long as he shows some committment to correcting his flaws. But if not, let's have a replacement head coach in mind when we fire him. I really can't take another hiring process like the last two where fans are forced to wait an interminable amount of time while the media pounces on the school's indecisiveness.

D- Pop Warner, Paul Bryant, Amos Alonzo Stagg, Knute Rockne, Tom Osborne, Ara Parseghian, or even Vince Lombardi if we could somehow hire him away from the NFL. I'd be really happy with any of them.

6) How do you react after a Notre Dame victory?

A - Pounding beers with the brosephs at the tailgate, then moving onto The Backer! 32 oz Long Island Iced Teas!  I'll sleep when I'm dead (Or when Pete Carroll is!  Screw USC!)  Go Irish!

B - I just enjoy the fact that I won't feel a gaping hole in my soul for six more days.  Odds of winning two in a row?  Not great.

C - I try to take every win at face value. A 7 point win over Navy after squandering a 21 point lead in the 4th quarter doesn't merit the same reaction as an improbable victory over Pete Carroll and the Trojans.

D- If it's not the national championship game I could care less.

7) Who is Notre Dame's biggest rival?

A- Oh that's an easy one. BC. The Holy War! The battle for the Ireland Trophy! I just wish we could beat them. I don't think we ever have.

B- Some asshat will probably say BC. That's the type of fanbase you get when you play a watered-down, toothless schedule devoid of natural rivalries.

C- I really wish I could say USC, but is it really a rivalry if one team consistently dominates the matchups? It's like what Yogi Berra said to Bernie Williams during the 1999 ALCS in reference to the Yankees' "rivalry" with the Red Sox, "relax kid, we've been beating these guys for 80 years."

D- Army. Before the invention of the forward pass. When men were men.

See your true colors after the jump.

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