SB Nation User Blog: Yadi2Second

The Man Stew (a poem for '09)

Yadi2Second — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 02:58:25 -0000

Yeah, tom s. beat me to it. Fortunately I can prove that I was working on this from the end of this season, so... brainwaves, man. Brainwaves. This pastiche is not meant to be read as a serial, but I'm serializing it anyway. Here's the original. It's also not finished yet, so stay tuned for the full 433 lines.

And now for something completely different. Epigraph:

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

- T.S. Eliot, The Hollow Men

The Man Stew

a pastiche poem

I. THE BURIAL OF CERTAINTY February is the cruellest month, calling
Pitchers and catchers to report, mixing
Memory and grit, stirring
Dull muscles with springing stretches.
The World Classic kept us warm, covering	5
Last season with P.R. drama, feeding
A little life in dried up players.
Spring surprised us, coming over Lake DeWitt
With Barden and Thurston; Khalil stopped at the threshold
And the rest went on in sunlight, into the field,	10
And rooks had their cup of coffee, and their golden hour.
I ang not a maching, I'm jes' Albert.
And they walked off like children under the Arch.
Our Carpenter, he swung and went down,
And I was frightened. He said, fuck this,	15
Fuck, hold on tight. And to rehab he went.
On the mound, Motte fired himself free and away.
I read VEB, much of the night, and the DL'd go north.

Who are these hitters in the clutch, what prospects grow
Out of this farm system? Son of Dunc',	20
You cannot say, or guess why you made the team,
A heap of broken bones which the writers beat.
And the cold wood gives no protection, the pen no relief.
And the fake beards fail to save. Only
There are long shadows under lefty Redbirds,	25
(Come into the ninth with a ginger goatee).
And they will show you something different at second
The outfielder diving for first at morning
Now your infielder at evening sliding head first:
I will show you fear in a gloveful of dust.	30
Ein heisses Bad er nahm
Mit Karpfen, unser Schuster
Und war es noch so zahm
Im Herzen ward's ihm duster
You who were drafted four years ago	35
They called you up to the Show
—Yet though you came back, late, to win games,
Your arms full of Albert's checkerboard, Tony
Sat you; and others failed, neither for Saint
Louis or Memphis, and the erudite Crabman	40
Was sent away for a B.B., into silence.
Muss er nicht wert dir gelten.

M. Wainwright of the filthy curve
Had bad control, yet nevertheless
Was fixed by the wisest man on staff,	45
A badass man among Cards. Here, said Carp,
Is your trouble, the mechanical flaw.
(There it is in the video. Look!)
Here is Boggs, the rocky starter,
Getting out of situations.	50
Here is the man with seven saves, and here's Wellemeyer,
Who hurls with one eye open, and this Cardinal
Piñata keeps it down, with a chip on his shoulder,
Which I did not expect to see. We do not find
Much Ludwick. Fear Kyle Lohse.	55
We are crowds of people, gasping as teammates ring
Rick Ankiel. If you see that replay once,
Tell them we can't watch anymore.
One must be so careful these days. Consider:

Peachtree City,	60
Under twenty thousand per game,
A crowd of call-ups flowed, Sugar and Tea Greene, so many,
I had not thought Infection had undone so many.
Slings, short and frequent, let us exhale
And proved Boog could set his feet before his eyes.	65
From the hole and the hill, up and down went King Albert's glove,
To assist, and to keep Yadier's commandment. T'was won
With an offense of bloops and a defense of nine.
There the next night Boog stopped, and grabbed his leg.
So Adam dealt. Thus the team was not with us till late.	70
'Those closers you planted last year in your bullpen,
'Will they work out?' 'Frankie relaxes, saves nine.'
'Or has the sudden duty disturbed his head?
'Oh keep the bad teams at bay, and stop injuring men
'Like Ludwick! Let Carpenter pitch again!	75
'It's true! C'est les GOB qui tient les fils qui nous remuent!'


II. A GAME OF REVERSI Enthroned i' the marketplace, there we did sit alone
Growing our Fabergés, while the place of Glaus was
Held up by stand-bys whose powers were in flux.
From Memphis, now, an unplaced Walrus peeped out	80
(Another hid in mediocre defense, they say).
Double the ex-Cards and a Manny owned our seven,
Rains robbing Lohse of a start and Colby his jack;
Though Colby matched it, that was Yadi cleaning up.
From swept to sweeping the Cubs, they produced;	85
With three hits on Jo-El, glorious shattered neon glass,
Unstoppered Carp needing no practice, and Ryan
Urgently charging a daily role over troubled Greene.
And drowned in nasty pitching was the malodorous air
Of the offense thrown out the window,	90
The likes of Stav' and Bard' feasting and flaming out,
As Motte flung vapor trails, smelling victory in his cap.
Pitchers pinch-hit five times in five-hundred baseball.
Huge sausages were dodged, but only just.
Come June Albert grandly burned, framed by a failing mound,	95
On which, with denials, Lohse was downed; and land sharks
Sank Motte; and Colorado, roused, put on a display:
A window into future scenes (as Albert sac-flies two RBI's).
The change to Boyer ended as it began,
So rudely forced; yet there was Hawks', called forth too late.	100
Yet Tony's voice was inviolable, his lineups filled,
And still we cried as Thurston giveth and taketh away,
Juggling on and on.
An unlucky number of withered arms
Had their days written on the wall, misplacing good form.	105
Out after out, lean and leaning, we hushed as someone closed.
No one else was shuffled out. They stayed.
Under fire, Welley reverted, though his own catcher
Shot pick-offs to all points;
Yadi's gun stole our words, even savagely grazing Adam.	110

'My stomach's bad to-night. Yes, bad. Don't sit me.'
'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
'What are you thinking of? Is that your ball? What?
'I never know if you have called for it. Call it.'

I think Duncan has veered from his power alley,	115
Though once he nailed a DP, and once he toppled Boog.

'What is that play?'
The 9-4-2-6-2.
'Where is our game now? How were we doing so well?'
Don't. Kill. Albert.	120
'Do
'You know this "extra base hit"? Do you see nothing? Do you remember
'Oh-six?'
I remember
Those two losers, they spotted us nine before Albert could homer.	125
'Is this team alive, or not? Is there nothing we can do?'
But
Lights lights lights that Shakespeherian Chant—
Are you curious
Six times serious	130
'What shall we do when thus they crush us, 'leven times?'
'We shall rush out Khalil to third, and he shall mash
'With confidence. Then should he collapse to-morrow,
'What shall we ever do?'
It's KC. Even Thompson's support is ten,	135
And rusty Ludwick makes them pay, plating four.
Piñeiro puts the city to sleep with twenty-two grounders, and yet
Men were pressing, left on base, and the series was a knock upon the door.

When Luddy got DL'd, I said—
I didn't sanitize my words, I said to myself,	140
MORE RUNS PLEASE IT'S TIME
Now Albert's shaved and busting out of it, be smarter at the plate.
He'll want to know what we've done with that talent he gave us
To get ourselves some rings. He did everything, I was there.
All the players that went out, well, they hurried back,	145
And they couldn't lock in, I swear, the seven dwarves can't bear it all.
No more can this be a one-man offense, and think of poor Carp,
He's been injured two years, they both want a good run,
And if you don't give it him, there's others will, I said.
Oh, 'winning now'? the office said. Something o' that, Tony said.	150
Then we'll know who to thank when we give years to get months.
MORE RUNS PLEASE IT'S TIME
That's grit: if we don't like the E's and running gaffes
We can't pick and choose the towering shots to right.
But if Albert's made to walk, they'd best draw some, or get on base.	155
It's a shame what's happened to Ankiel, to look so lost.
(And with the pitchers getting hits, too.)
For every gem two hours long, there's one of Lee
Blanking us, and Carp blank-blank-blanking at an ex-Cub's homer
(To hear him tell it, DeRosa nearly died of fright.)	160
The Central doesn't want to catch us, and the Cubs aren't the same.
Yet good and bad alike play us for fools.
Well, if Albert won't leave you yet, there it is, t'was said,
What did you draft for if you don't want protection?
WALK OFF PLEASE IT'S TIME	165
Well, each day Albert came home, and rode a hot streak,
And they asked for DeRosa, a first step to keep it hot—
WALK OFF PLEASE IT'S TIME
WALK OFF PLEASE IT'S TIME
(Goonight Luke.) Goonight Chris. Goonight Jess. Goonight.	170
(Ta ta, Mark.) Goonight. Goonight.
Good night, relievers, good night, sweet swings, good night, good night.


(to be continued in 'III. The Fire in the Outfield')

With deepest apologies to that exalted Saint Louisan, the poet T.S. Eliot — this ~~was~~ will be a pastiche of The Waste Land chronicling the 2009 season of the Saint Louis Cardinals. It's sort of like that Billy Joel song except way more obscure. The original poem with linked footnotes (including the related sources also being mimicked) can be found here. The homages are usually memes created by VEB or directly from press clippings.

The Waste Land is, alas, a downer of a poem, so though I wanted to celebrate the season, the format sometimes weighed it down.

Also, the events may not be in exact chronological order, but they are divided into periods.

I. The Burial of Certainty: mid-winter – May 14
II. A Game of Reversi: May 15 – June 29
III. The Fire in the Outfield: June 30 – August 19
IV. Death by Clinch: August 20 – September 3
V. Where the Thunder Went: September 4 – Oct 10

Footnotes
"→" denotes an altered line.

6. Puerto Rico. Or Public Relations, whichever works for you.
31 - 34. Not a translation, but from the actual article: "Midway through spring training, [Skip Schumaker] shared a hot tub soak with Chris Carpenter and told the pitcher he wasn’t sure if the switch was going to work. ... Carpenter started calling him 'his All-Star second baseman.'" → German to connote Wagner's Tristan and Isolde. Many thanks to my friend from Germany for capturing the murky gloom of Skip's heart.
42. Wagner's Tristan and Isolde, I.iii: "Can you not see its value?"
43. That's Monsieur Wainwright to you.
76. "The Gods of Baseball hold the strings which move us." → Charles Baudelaire, To the Reader, Les Fleurs du mal.
93. Actually Baseball Reference says it was .481 ball in May. Poetic license.
128. Hamlet III.ii
149. Original line.

Justin Duchscherer and depression in MLB

Yadi2Second — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 14:14:03 -0000

Justin Duchscherer and depression in MLB

"I can see people out there saying, 'How can we feel sorry for these overpaid, pampered guys?' Baseball players have the attitude, 'Hey, we're not asking for anybody to feel sorry for us. We know we have a good deal.' But one of the problems is, they buy into the idea that they shouldn't have these issues. They're very hard on themselves.

"Just because somebody gives you money and fame doesn't mean it gives you wisdom, common sense or maturity. The reality is, ballplayers are in an extremely demanding environment that produces stress they're not trained to deal with. It's a pressure cooker, and over time that stress can build up and take a real toll.''

Springfield Cardinals 2009 jumbotron intro. Lots of clips from club history. The other intros are...

Yadi2Second — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 04:53:16 -0000

Springfield Cardinals 2009 jumbotron intro.

Lots of clips from club history. The other intros are also up (via related videos).

They do love their Joey Bombs. sigh.

I always say, if I could split this award and give a piece to every single player that had an...

Yadi2Second — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 04:35:10 -0000

I always say, if I could split this award and give a piece to every single player that had an impact with this organization, I would do that.

Albert Pujols

"When I texted Adam and he said he didn't get a call either, it caught me off guard," Carpenter...

Yadi2Second — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:19:16 -0000

"When I texted Adam and he said he didn't get a call either, it caught me off guard," Carpenter said. "I was surprised. Then I went and got a haircut."

bring unicorns
credit to andi for spotting it

"It was like, 'By the way, I won the Gold Glove,'" [Nancy Wainwright] said. "It slipped his mind...

Yadi2Second — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:37:31 -0000

"It was like, 'By the way, I won the Gold Glove,'" [Nancy Wainwright] said. "It slipped his mind during dinner? I said, 'I've taught you to be humble, but not with your mother.' Don't be humble with your own mother."

Nancy Wainwright said her son "got used to living in the fishbowl as the hometown hero." It would take a tad longer for Adam and Jenny to take their seats at any of the local restaurants just because he would stop for congratulations and well wishes from the locals. That's changed. Back home as a big-leaguer, there's a respectful distance kept, and that's how it was a week or so ago at Crabdaddy's.

The Wainwrights and Miss Nancy, as folks call her, welcomed Adam's agent, Steven Hammond, for dinner on the day Adam found out he won this year's Gold Glove. In between the cheese grits and fried shrimp, it didn't come up.

A.D.A.M. at home. Yeah, Bulldog.

...there's also:
There's the fried shrimp at The Crab Trap, the shrimp and grits at Crabdaddys and the pumpkin bread and crab cakes at Barbara Jean's. Adam and Jenny, who was then his high school sweetheart, would arrive late for class after ducking by Dressner's for an omelet so thin it could be a doily.

Cards Add 8 to ML Roster

Yadi2Second — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:00:14 -0000

Cards Add 8 to ML Roster

Allen Craig
Jon Jay
Daryl Jones
Bryan Anderson
Mark Hamilton
Adam Ottavino
Francisco Samuel
Tyler Norrick (of Festus)

[Jarrett]'s excited. This could be a new life for him.

Yadi2Second — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:12:10 -0000

[Jarrett]'s excited. This could be a new life for him.

Johnny Lee Hoffpauir, father of The Hoff

"We just found out this evening," Johnny Lee said. "He was dropped from the 40-man, which meant that he had to clear waivers before he could go back to the minors.
...
"It’s going to be a new start for him, which is good. St. Louis is a big-market team that is going to look to the free agent market a lot. This backs up their minor league guys a lot. There’s kind of a clog in the Cardinals’ middle infield right now."

More here and in comments. Organization ftw.

Pujols wins MLBPA NL Outstanding Player on Mike and Mike

Yadi2Second — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:38:03 -0000

Pujols wins MLBPA NL Outstanding Player on Mike and Mike

Audio of Albert Pujols accepting his award. The maching talks some shop re: trying to hit Cliff Lee's pitching. Props to fellow offensive performers, our own badass starters, and Tony La Russa and Mark McGwire.

Wainwright Wins MLBPA NL Outstanding Pitcher honor on Mike and Mike

Yadi2Second — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:13:03 -0000

Wainwright Wins MLBPA NL Outstanding Pitcher honor on Mike and Mike

Audio of the padawan Wainwright as he confirms that he is badass, and that Carpenter did sit him down and fix his mechanics. And oh, Dave Duncan helped his mental game. Props to Jo-El.

Also has the AL Award (Zack Greinke).

Yesterday: http://www.vivaelbirdos.com/2009/10/27/1103609/carpenter-wins-mlbpa-nl-comeback