This week, the CJAASAE is making like TCU's defense, South Carolina's brief foray into BCS football, and Utah State's meager hope that life was more than a brief but incessant parade of unimaginable cruelty, and taking a bye week. (Though we really have to give a shout out to this guy. Checking sources honorable mention! Buffalo football reporting is a series of tuuubes, brah)

That doesn't mean we haven't been busy- to mark this occasion we present our first-ever pregame analytics video, delving into the intricacies of Georgia-Tennessee, based on hours of painstaking historical research. BEHOLD:

Georgia vs. Tennessee 2011 Preview (via FootballBabylon)

The only appropriate response this this we've also helpfully included in handy gif form, after the jump. CARRY ON.

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The Craig James Memorial Trophy will annually recognize the outstanding college football analyst whose performance best exhibits a relentless pursuit of analyzing stuff you know nothing about, a tireless willingness to troll for clicks, and a selfless effort to meet a word count, regardless of the cost to the English language. 

Huh. Well, apparently, last week's vote was a frickin tie, so congratumalations to our new nominees Nate Silver and Taylor Branch! In honor of the nickel-landing-on-its-edge/obvious-vote-rigging occasion I present the FIRST ANNUAL CRAIG JAMES ANNUAL ALL-CAPS AND PHOTOSHOPS SPECIAL LIMITED EDITION of the CJAAFSE. This week we've got passive aggression TEXAS STYLE, Yahoo!'s contribution to that thousand monkeys with a typewriter thing and thinly veiled threats of violence all IN LIVING COLOR! TO THE JUMP!

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The Craig James Memorial Trophy will annually recognize the outstanding college football analyst whose performance best exhibits a relentless pursuit of analyzing stuff you know nothing about, a tireless willingness to troll for clicks, and a selfless effort to meet a word count, regardless of the cost to the English language. 

In an ABSOLUTELY! ARRESTING! SELF-REFERENTIAL! TURN Mike Patrick & The Craig James were the runaway nominees last week for their fascinating discourse on things they don't know how to pronounce. PEARL-CLUTCH! 
This week's nominees include Yankee statisticians, completely apt analogies, and yet more from the Worldwide Leader in Conflicts of Interest. ALL. AFTER. THE. JUMP!!!!

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The Craig James Memorial Trophy will annually recognize the outstanding college football analyst whose performance best exhibits a relentless pursuit of analyzing stuff you know nothing about, a tireless willingness to troll for clicks, and a selfless effort to meet a word count, regardless of the cost to the English language. 

Last week's runaway nominee was the ever-sultry Chris Low of ESPN, despite a late surge from Paul Myerberg of Pre-Snap Read (and also apparently some newspaper in NEW YORK CITY.) We've got a full ledger this week, with nightmarish flashbacks to a time of unspeakable evil, Kierkegaardian nothingness, and a nomination that includes... wait for it...
CRAIG JAMES

This week's nominees and the poll, after the jump.

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Starting this week, RTT presents THE MOST IMPORTANT SPORT JOURNALISM AWARD ON THE INTERNET IN THE WORLD EVER. The Craig James Memorial Trophy will annually recognize the outstanding college football analyst whose performance best exhibits a relentless pursuit of analyzing stuff you know nothing about, a tireless willingness to write troll headlines for clicks, and a selfless effort to meet a word count, regardless of the cost to the English language. Winners epitomize great mediocrity combined with diligence and perseverance, and will probably be Notre Dame fans. 

Each week, we'll present several candidates for nomination; at the end of the year, the overall winner will receive a bronzed hacksaw, 5 plastic bags, and roll of Duck tape, and a framed assurance that nothing at all, really, happened to speak of involving any five particular people being dead at SMU in 1985. Runner-up prizes include complimentary show-cause penalties, no all-expense paid visits anywhere for the next four years, and 55 non-scholarships.

After the break, this week's nominees:

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Predestination we call the eternal decree of Prior Success and Booster Money, by which They have determined in Themselves, what would have to become of every team in the footballs. For they are not all created with a similar destiny; but Roses and Tostitos are foreordained for some, and eternal Meineke Care Car Bowls for others.

John "Cam" Calvin, Istutio Volianae

WE GETTIN REAL, YALL.

Don't bother me with your "taking some incorporeal thing that is apparently at some level and displacing said thing (which isn't even a 'thing' in a strict sense, really) to some other not-particularly-defined level" or your touchy-feely "team chemistry" or your "mental toughness from experience" or your "player names." I GOT CHARTS AND CRAP, BRAH.

Let me break it down for you: all that is solid melts into air, that 20 pounds you put on in the last 5 years is following you to the grave, everyone disappears no matter who loves them, Rosebud was just a frickin sled, and OK Computer is, was, and forever will be a crap album. And unless you have a flying quarterback with laser-eyes (which, realistically, is gonna run you at least $180k or so), players aren't really all that important. Unless you're looking at the telescope wrong-way round, the only reliable predictor of what's going to happen to some particular team is what has happened. (Pro Tip: STAY THE HELL OUT OF RUSSIA IN THE WINTER). And happened to who, you ask?

Football is beautiful not because it celebrates and protects the precious light flickering in every player's heart.

Football is beautiful because it relentlessly grinds every individual player into an expendable cog in ritualistic war machine beneath the Dr. Ecklebergian gaze of some maniac in a headset.

It's totally messed up. Embrace it, grasshopper.

So forget everything you know about the Vols. Don't even think about Montana. Quit trying to decide if "Tyler" or "Bray" is a better middle name for your firstborn and stop worrying about how to pronounce "Maggitt." You want to know what we're going to look like this season? TO THE RECORD BOOKS!

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RTT Talking Points- Seriously, it's Thanksgiving, Get Off the Frickin Computer edition

Sorry kids, it's Thanksgiving. Instead of talking points, you're getting a picture of what I did instead of talking points, a noble Ballotine de Poulet. For those you that don't parlay-voo frawn-say, that's French for "Kentucky's secondary against Bray and Poole." I'll be back next week to gloat viciously to Wildcat and evil-curse-bestowing RTT editor alike.

Before I go gorge myself mercilessly, thought- one thing I'm thankful for is RTT. Everybody pat yourselves on the back.- for me, at least, It's lonesome being a Vol fan out in the Far Non-Volen-Hinterlands, and these users, this community, and these admins have made this a great place, and one that feels like home.

Enjoy the utter collapse of Texas (8PM tonight), and Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll! 

RTT Talking Points, Not at all about Cam Newton, even a little edition

Quick Thursday roundup:

• Football is fun for Vols now!  And they're happy. Dance, happy vols! Dance your crazy happy dance!
• If you're not already appreciating Poole, mind that if he gets 100 yards in each of the last two games, he'll both have cleared 1000 yards and also set the UT record for most 100-yard games a season. And dude's not getting much help: he's single-handedly accounted for 70% of the Vols' total rushing yardage, the least equitable rushing-yard distribution in the SEC. Rajion Neal and David Oku have combined for just 327 yards.
• A little meh about reading another Tyler Bray article with no new information whatsoever? "Blah blah blah Tyler Bray blah blah blah laaaid-back California blah blah blah talented-but-so-young! blah blah blah very tall blah blah blah he's great." There. See? I fixed that for you.
• Consummate charmer Wes Rucker harasses senior offensive lineman Jarrod Shaw by calling him "Shawdog," after he asked him to stop. Repeatedly.
• Injuries updates: Eric Gordon is losing track of all the concussions he's had in the last couple weeks (that's bad. right?). His status? Weeeeellllll-

"That's something you've got to talk to our trainer about," Dooley said. "Do we allow our trainer to talk?"

Dooley was then informed that UT's trainers don't speak with the media.

"Yeah, you're going to have a hard time getting an answer," Dooley said. "Maybe I'll talk to the trainer."

• On the plus side, Zach Roger, Janzen Jackson, and guard Zach Fulton are all looking good to be back Saturday.

RTT Talking Points, too sleepy to write an intro edition:

• For all you fair-weather fans who had 'more important' things to do than watch some kid from Michigan's recruitment announcement streaming over the internet, Saginaw, Michigan's DeAnthony Arnett committed to the Vols. As posted last week, Arnett, Rivals' No.6-ranked WR (though word is he may move up even higher) had a crapload of offers including Michigan State, Michigan, USC and Cal on his short list. He also has been having waaaaaay too much fun with his twitvid account (it's actually kinda funny, after about the 3rd fake commit-decommit). Any questions you have about the kid, however, will be answered by what he said right after his announcement:
  
  Wes Rucker: Vols WR commit DeAnthony Arnett said he'd have gone to Michigan State if Lane Kiffin was still UT's coach.
  
  BEST. RECRUIT. EVER.
  
  
• Jeremiah Masoli is still apparently touch-and-go regarding playing Saturday due to his concussion; Houston Nutt said Ole Miss will be cautious, and that it's a decision that could go all the way up until Saturday morning.
• Da'Rick Rogers, jump-ball-death-machine-ness aside, is pretty open to admitting he's still a little fuzzy on his routes.
• Luke Stocker is still a little shaky from his concussion against Memphis, and his arm is all 'kind of got puffy' from a staph infection (take that, soap!), but he's apparently expected to play Saturday. Cornerback Marsalis Teague and his turf toe are likely still out. On the plus side: Lincoln is back! Lincoln is back! Lincoln is back!
• Back to The Rucker, his Wednesdays With Wes thingy this week is with Nick Reveiz, who's a hoot, and a stand-up guy. Incidentally, this whole series of articles is worth reading; Wes does a great interview (though infallibly also seems to make whoever he's talking to sorta uncomfortable)

Obligatory Cam-O-Every-Sports-Writer-In-Country-Empty-Column-Filler-Matic Note:

• The insanely long Law and Order episode we call Cam Newton's life has yet! Another! Shocking! New! Revelation! Yesterday, Mississippi State released a statement confirming they contacted the SEC "regarding an issue relating to its recruitment of Cam Newton." Earlier, two mysteeerrrriouuuss sources who recruit for Mississippi State said that Cecil Newton and Newton the Younger said in separate phone conversations that his college choice would be part of a pay-for-play plan. And just in case there was any danger all this great melodrama might taper-off, the frickin feds are involved now. TMZ is reporting that the FBI has requested an interview with John Bond, the former Mississippi State quarterback who went on record this week claiming he know about a request by a third party for cash in exchange for the services of the future Mr. Entire-Auburn-Offense.

Rocky Top Talking Points, Triumphant Return to Butcher the Meek Edition

Hark! Vol fans! I return from roaming the earth, and going back and forth in it, and drinking large quantities of it! The end times are past, and November (when everybody who's cool knows the real football season starts) is upon us! Things are looking up! But first the totally weird:

• Following the firing a couple weeks ago of Coach Tim Brewster, perennial powerhouse/icy-hellhole/coaching-graveyard Minnesota has indicated Phil Fulmer as a possible candidate for new head coach. "Minnesota has great potential, and with its new facilities it's a place you could recruit to,'' Fulmer told GVX on Tuesday night. (Cue Igloo and drinking yourself to death jokes in 3...2...)
  

Now: The Good!

• For everybody with Comcast in Knoxville, your programming overlords have deemed you worthy of the CBS sports network, meaning you get to watch the Memphis game! Rejoice.
• The color commentary on Saturday, incidentally, will apparently be co-handled by World Famous Drunk-Mister-Magoo Impersonator Mike Leach. You can hear him talk about the game, not coaching for Vandy, and bologna sandwiches here.
• The ice-blooded beanpole (note to self, work on the nickname) Tyler Bray is utterly unfazed with his recent promotion. 
• Tauren Poole (with the help of Allison Dooley, of all people) realized he's not, in fact, Walter Payton, and should probably just, you know, run forward.
• Tennessee should be in the top 25! (At least according to an SBNation poll ballot sent by some blog that appears to have then immediately shut down)
• Michigan's top-rated prospect, WR DeAnthony Arnett, according to ESPN has narrowed his choices to Tennessee, Michigan St. and the West Coast Condom Team Whose Name Shall Never Again Be Spoken Amongst Decent Folk. ESPN also claims he'll make his announcement November 11. If you want to get really confused, check out his twitter, where he flatly denies this, and then proceeds to alternate at 3-hour intervals between tweeting "@ Night I couldnt sleep I was tossing and turning woke up singing "Rocky Top" @ 6am in the morning!" and "SSSSSSSTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEEE" (that last one was broken up into 5 tweets, one for each letter, so I probably got the number of "T"s wrong. Sue me.) Lebron is not a role model, kids.
• Crazy Flashback FunTime Fact! Memphis's defensive line coach is.... wait for it.... the lovable Mike DuBose! (Who has NEVER BEATEN TENNESSEE! HA! Though that also presumably means the Memphis D-line is making good money.)
• Certain RTT administrators (spoiler alert! I mean Joel) have ceased with their incessant journalistic integrity/evil magic voodoo curses and predicted a win! 
• Also that team from Nashville got some new guy.

After the Jump: Starters! Change-ups! Incredibly bad GVX articles! Oh my!

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Rocky Top Talking Points, Nobody Here But Us Chickens Edition:

"Open dates are tough on every team," Dooley said. "Who wants to practice when you don't play? Not many guys.

Or Talking Pointers! So here's your quick-and-dirty talking points for while you're gearing up for tonight's South Florida-West Virginia non-stop thrillride:

• Thanks to the efforts of our fancifully-named new commit Trevarris Saulsberry, his Gainesville (HA!) High teammate, Rivals-ranked 44th best defensive end Jordan Williams committed to the Vols yesterday.
• If you haven't been following this whole 'former agent Josh Luchs at one time had half of Division I on his payroll' story, along with alleging he gave former Vols running back Chuck Webb a couple hundred bucks, paid the late Chris Mims $500 a month his senior year, and was basically using UCLA as an employment office, he was also (!!!) paying off America's Own Walking Money Pit Ryan Leaf. Some guys get all the luck....
• Current casualty list: Defensive Tackle Montori Hughes is wearing some sort of hurt-foot boot contraption around campus and is indeterminate against Alabama.  Daniel Lincoln and  tackle Dallas Thomas are both sitting out practice this week, but will be evaluated again later for next week's practice and game.
• Rocky Top Talk readers are apparently all a big bunch of nerdy-nerd nerd-os. (I kid! Because I love.)
• And since there's nothing better to pad a slow news day than mean-spirited vitriol: Urban Meyer says Chris Rainey 'is not a violent person.' Which sucks for him, as threatening to kill people is also a crime.
• Further schadenfreude: Chris Low asks "How much do Gators miss Dan Mullen?" This much?

Rocky Top Talking Points, Primordial Duality Edition.

This week has been all about duality. Good vs. Evil. Losing SEC team vs. lost SEC team. A new coach on the job vs. wondering if you can put this on a resume. BEHOLD:

• Wide Receiver Profile, Good: Justin Hunter is a terrifying jump-ball death machine! Also Gerald Jones can now apparently predict the weather through the metal screws in his hand.
• Wide Receiver Profile, Bad: Bargain-busting dawg A.J. Green has finished up his brief foray into entrepreneurship, and his own teammates think he's awwwweesssoooommmeee.
• Reassuring Coaching Comment, Good: "It was a unique situation,'' Wilcox said of the chaotic finish at LSU, "but at the end of the day it's our job, and my job on defense, to make sure we can react to anything that happens to us. So I failed us in that manner.''

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RTT Talking Points: New Edition Edition

Everyone forgets things- say, where you left your car keys, your friend's birthday, how clocks work... And you know what? RTT bloggers are just like you. Sometimes we forget things. Like that we were supposed to cover talking points today. Ahem. So this was the only way we could be sure no one would read them.  Ever.

• JONES IS BACK! JONES IS BACK! JONES IS BACK! And he wants to whup Patrick Peterson. 
• In a nod to folks bitter about great local recruits we missed out on (read: Randall Cobb), the Vols committed Bearden running back Devrin Young. Maryville coach George Quarles (who coached against Randall Cobb!) said Young "may be the most explosive guy I’ve seen on this (Maryville) field." (INCLUDING RANDAALLLL COOOBBBB!!!!)
• In his now-regular "Wednesdays with Wes" feature, which is exactly like "Tuesdays with Morrie" except with less old people and dying, Janzen Jackson talks about being the most hated man in all of Tiger Stadium (other than Jordan Jefferson, presumably.)
• DT Line Coach Chuck Smith wants 'dogs, guys that hunt, guys that get punched in the mouth and get up and say, 'Where are my teeth at? It's cold out here. Who cares?' And also guys that tackle. Tackling would be nice.

You want the jump? You know you want the jump ->

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RTT Talking Points, Barely Legal Edition

So! The Vols are young. How young, in fact?

• We're bringing in freshmen by the boatload: Freshman offensive tackle Marques Pair, who the Vols were hoping to redshirt, has been brought into rotation. "We’re running out of guys," Dooley said. "Early on with him, it was maybe, ‘Get in there and take your time.’ Now it’s, ‘Look out, watch out, you could be in there.’"
• And using them to replace other freshmen: Redshirt freshman LG JerQuari Schofield is out (replaced by James Stone), as is injured-so-many-times-we're-seriously-worried-his-arms-and-legs-and-head-are-going-to-fall-off center Cody Pope. "We have to do a good job of developing a plan so they can go out there and function and get hats on hats," Dooley said. "If we do that, we will be OK." Ummmmm... yeah. Hats! On Hats! I like it.
• Everybody's hurt: Our Gerald Jones is still out, and will be for UAB. "We’ll know more next week on him," Dooley said. "He can run around, he just can’t do anything with his hand." Which does seem like it would be important for a receiver.
• This has caused problems: Like -say- 3rd downs. We're really, really bad at third downs. (To be precise about it, we're ranked an impressive 118th in Division I, just barely ahead of San Jose State and the mysteriously-named Florida International)
• But it's not all bad! Ja’Wuan James, for one, has been great so far. As Matt Simms said (presumably on his way to coupon-clipping and bingo in the day room) "For a young kid like that to go out there and play as well as he has, it’s impressive. I’m just happy that he’s got so much more talent and many more years to get experience and get better."

Obligatory coverage of sportwriters' obligatory opinion pieces- after the break.

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RTT Talking Points, New Math Edition

The State of The Vol Nation: Divided! The Great Pumpkin thrusts the Vol Nation- nay- the World! into paroxyms of self-doubt. Will we ever recover? Friend vs. Friend! Neighbor vs. neighbor! Disgruntled ex-coach crying sour grapes vs. everyone else! Dark times, indeed. Behold:

• Luke Stocker and Mr. Simms? Struggling to get on the same page!
• After spending a "great deal of time" investigating the Great Bar Knoxvile Bar Rumble '10, the Knox County DA has announced they're filing no further charges, due to (gasp!) totally inexplicable "contradictory statements" from a bunch of drunk people in the middle of the night!
• Once, Matt Simms had a friend. Now- they are MORTAL ENEMIES!

The Gators? Similarly torn asunder:

• Florida's Chris Rainey is struggling through a difficult breakup! And Alack! his lovelorn has taken up with that hussy Omarius Hines!
• Even the Gator Army: divided! Because John Brantley is the Jennifer Aniston of college football, and nobody wants him.
• Florida linebacker Brandon Hicks refuses (REFUSES!) to be divided (or, in his terms, "pierced.") "We feel like no teams can come through our defense and just run all down our throats. We feel like that's not going to happen at all." Because they only let happen against South Florida.
• Further divided: Mr. Rainey's late unpleasantness has pushed the number of arrests under the Meyer regime to a pleasing, easily-dividable 30 (look, you try carrying on a stupid metaphor for a full blog post some time, OK?)

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Rocky Top Talking Points, End of History Edition:

So seriously, there isn't any frickin' news. Nothing. Nada. All your news outlets have failed you. You should really just click away now and take this time to do something meaningful with your life, like at look at pictures of your wives and families on Facebook.

I'm not kidding. Look at this crap:

• Tuesday's practice sucked.  Wednesday was better!
• In a true story-breaking coup, the Sentinel is reporting that (In particularly un-Bear-like form) Dooley taught the Vols the importance of washing themselves! 
• Homeland Security is paying for new cameras in Neyland, presumably in case someone tries to build a mosque there! Or something. 
• Rick Russo took a break from doing that weird head-twitchy thing to cram more duck and lawyer puns into a paragraph than anyone should.  Ever.
• No one seems to have any idea what the Vols need to do to win. DC Justin Wilcox says drugs won't work. (And if you're still dying to get all parallel-universe-trippy-tripped-out, Wes Rucker said like TOTALLY THE SAME THING earlier, but with, like, different words! Journalism's heady, bro) EPSN's Chris Low says we just gotta slow their roll.
• Not like it's any better for the Quack-people. The Oregonian (I seriously still can't believe that's a word) says the Ducks need rhythm! Chip Kelly thinks they need music! So basically they're Judy Garland.

So you get the idea. Journalism is dead and life has no inherent point.

***EXCEPT***

For the soaring insight and laser-like analytical skills of your crack unpaid community-blogger! (after the break, obviously).

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