Theory #1: The Tigers were paid off by gamblers to throw the 2006 World Series. Each player was given his own Polynesian island for his troubles.

Theory #2: Every baseball player is using performance-enhancing drugs. You'll only be accused or "caught" if the sportswriters turn on you.

Theory #3: Fans of the Red Sox, Mets, Cubs, Angels, and Dodgers who whine about the Yankees' payroll were put on earth solely to annoy me.

Theory #4: Pitch counts were also created solely to annoy me. Every human being is different, and some people are just built to throw 140 baseballs every 4 days, while other people aren't. The first group are called pitchers. The second group are all the guys who make millions of dollars and get coddled all the way to the majors, only to blow out their arms.

Theory #5: Baseball is inherently stochastic, not deterministic. Therefore, sabermetrics is a b---s--t pasttime that can't hope to measure what it claims to measure.