This is exciting isn't it?  The evil summer burned hot and bright and even now it is giving way to chill mornings.  Soon, small crinkles of ice will start to form at the edges of autumn puddles and the scent of wet, dying leaves will fill the air.  These signs point like blinking neon arrows to one thing: the start of a new hockey season.

First, the disclaimers (it helps if you read it real fast like the disclaimers in a boner pill commercial).

Are you looking for astute analysis of what we might expect from the Hawks' power play this year?  Possible line combinations?  An in depth discussion about the number two center position?  What prospects to keep an eye on? Then you are in the wrong fucking place.  Go HERE, HERE or HERE if you are looking for that type of thing.  Those people know a hell of a lot more about hockey than me.

If you are trying to figure out which Hawks player most closely matches up with Ginny Weasley from the Harry Potter universe (Ben Smith) then you have found the right blog.  I suppose there is a remote possibility that these comparisons might provide some insight into the upcoming season but again, I must caution you that this blog trades on nonsensical bullshit, not sharp insight. You have been warned.

I've only done ten matches here.  If there is any positive feedback on this post maybe I can try to do some more before the season starts.  Anyway, enjoy......

If you're interested, you can read the rest of the post on my blog HERE.

 

You can read Episodes 1-14 HERE.

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[Interior, the Chicago Blackhawks dressing room at the United Center. The Hawks have just completed their morning skate and the players are sitting at their stalls taking off their gear and chatting.]

Kaner: [Excitedly, to Tazer, on his right] Bro, are we going to practice tonight?

Tazer: I told you already, hockey is our top priority right now. We cannot waste time on that foolishness.

Kaner: You need to loosen up cock-munch.

Tazer: The playoffs, if we even make them, start in two weeks. You need to get your head right.

Kaner: My head's straight, bro-zilla. Same place it always is. Top of my rod.

Tazer: You vex me, Patrick.

Kaner: Thanks, dude.

Tazer: That was not a compliment.

Kaner: [Thinks for a moment] Oh. Then you can lick my knob, Professor Cuntnut.

[Kaner turns to his left where Marcus Kruger, the recently acquired rookie forward from Sweden, is silently unlacing his skates.]

Kaner: [To Kruger] What's your name?

Tazer: Patrick, you know what the boy's name is. He has been on the team for two weeks.

Kaner: [To Tazer] Go douche your vagina, woman.

Kaner: [To Kruger] Say your name.

Kruger: [Kruger stares at the floor. In a barely audible whisper] Marcus Kruger.

Kaner: Pretty sweet name, rook. Where you from?

Niklas Hjalmarsson: [From across the room] Don't scare him, Kaner. You know he is from Sweden, just like Viktor and me.

Kaner: [To Hjalmarsson] Shut the fuck up, Hammer Pants.

Hjalmarsson: [To Kruger, in Swedish] Just do it the way we rehearsed in my hotel room.  Avoid eye contact and answer his questions directly. You'll do fine.

Kaner: [Yelling at Hjalmarsson] English only in the locker room you fucking meatball!

Hjalmarsson: [To Viktor Stalberg, in Swedish] I hope he doesn't break the kid.

Stalberg: [To Hjalmarsson] We'll see.

Kaner: [His face is bright red and a vein has popped out on his forehead. Screaming] ENGLISH ONLY!!!

Marian Hossa: [To Tomas Kopecky, in Czech] His xenophobia knows no bounds.

Kopecky: [To Hossa, in Czech] Truly. But do you not find it amusing when he becomes overly excited? It calls to mind the incoherent ramblings of Krushchev, banging his shoe on the podium at the United Nations in 1960.

Kaner: [Screaming] Son of a bitch! I thought we lived in a free fucking country! I will cock punch the next asshole who talks foreign. [Glares around the room with flecks of foam on the corners of his mouth.]

Hossa: [To Kopecky, in Czech, ignoring Kaner] I can see how one may be tempted to make such a comparison. However, Krushchev, for all his faults was, nonetheless, the premier of a Cold War superpower. Kane is simply retarded.

Kopecky: [To Hossa, in Czech, ignoring Kaner] Oh, I was merely attempting to make the point that Kane's uncontrolled outbursts at times can provide a certain degree of levity.

Hossa: [To Kopecky, continuing their conversation in Czech] Perhaps. But then again, Tomas, your sense of humor has always been rather, how shall I say...pedestrian?

Kopecky: [To Hossa, in Czech] So you claim. But it is not my fault that you have never been able to discern the comedic genius inherent in the great Benny Hill.

Tazer: [Loudly across the room to Hossa and Kopecky, in Czech] I rather agree with Tomas on this point, Marian. There is a kind of sublime brilliance in Mr. Hill's humor.

Hossa: [Aloud, to Tazer and Kopecky, in Czech] There's no accounting for taste, I suppose. Although, I will grant that the young ladies Mr. Hill was wont to feature on his show did possess particular physical charms, that as a young man I found aroused my carnal desires.

Kaner: I am going to kick you in the balls, Hoss!

Tazer: [To Kaner] Leave them alone, Patrick. We are all citizens of the world.

Kaner [Aloud to Tazer and the room]: Buffalo is not fucking part of their Euro-fag world, butt-lover.

Tazer: Too true. But Chicago is, so put aside your raging hatred for all things un-American and let us go about our day like civilized gentlemen.

John Scott: [To Tazer, Hossa and Kopecky, in Czech]: Dudes! Those chicks were smoking hot. I mean we are talking piping hot. Boner City, bros! I think the first time I ever rubbed one out was to a girl in a bikini on the Benny Hill Show.

Brian Campbell: [Aloud to the room and Scott] Since when do you fucking speak Czech?

Scott: Havlat taught me in Minny, bro!

[Brent Seabrook and Duncan Keith look at each other with raised eyebrows and shrug. Meanwhile, Kruger has sat down on the floor in front of his stall and has his knees drawn up to his chest.  His eyes are squeezed shut and he is slowly rocking backwards and forwards, humming a tune to himself.]

Stalberg: [To Hjalmarsson, in Swedish] Is he broken already?

[Kaner leans down to try and hear the tune that Kruger is singing.]

Kaner: [Half musing to himself, half to Kruger] Are you singing fucking ABBA, you Swedish dildo?

[Kruger, still rocking back and forth with his eyes closed, nods.]

Kruger: [Stops rocking back and forth. With eyes still closed and still tucked into a ball on the floor, he sings a little louder.] If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free/Take a chance on me/Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie/If you put me to the test/If you let me try. Take a chance on me/Take a chance on me. 

Keith: [To Seabrook] ABBA, eh?

Seabrook: [To Keith] Fuckin' rooks. What're you gonna do?

Keith: It's embarrassing.

[Seabrook shrugs]

Kaner: [Aloud to Kruger and the room] Well, you fucking started it, you rookie fjord-fucker, now get up and finish the fucking thing. I fucking like ABBA, so I'll help you. Don't fuck it up, dicknut.

Corey Crawford: [Leans over to whisper to Marty Turco] He made me watch Mama Mia three times in a row one night at his place.

Turco: I've seen a lot of weird shit in the NHL but I can't say I have ever seen a god damned musical in the dressing room.

Crawford: He sings in a band, you know. Falcon-something.

Turco: Americans. It's always, "Look at me" with those guys.

Kaner: We can go dancing/We can go walking-

Kruger: [Pops up from the floor] As long as we're together!

[Kaner and Kruger finish the song.]

Kaner: [To Kruger] Not bad. Your nickname from now on is The Boy with the ABBA Tattoo. Also, I am going to need you to sing in the band. Practice is tonight. [Kaner gives Tazer a death stare] Rinky will give you details on where and when and what we'll be practicing.

[Later that evening. Interior, a soundproofed music studio room in the Blackhawks suite of offices at the United Center. Tazer, Kaner, Rinky, and Kruger are present with all their various instruments.]

Tazer: [To the group] We should all be sleeping right now.

Kaner: [To Tazer] You know the deal, ass-blaster. You fuck my sister, you play in my band. When you stop fucking her, you can quit the band.

Tazer: I am not prepared to forgo the intimate pleasures I am privileged to receive from Erica.

Kaner: So shut your glory hole and grab the guitar, butt-huffer.

[Tazer sighs]

Kaner: [To a terrified Kruger] The name of the band is FalconHawk. Tazer is lead guitar, Rinky, our faithful valet, plays drums. Usually we're a power trio with me singing and playing bass. But now that Now that you're here, you can sing your Swedish ass off.

[Kaner walks over to a refrigerator against a wall in the studio. He opens the door and pulls out two cans of Four Loko.]

 

Kaner: [To Kruger] Drink this. It's illegal in five states. It'll loosen you up.

[Kaner shotguns his can. Kruger chugs his in terror.]

Kaner: Get on that fucking mic, rookie. Let's do this fucking thing. Count it off, Rinks!

Kaner: [To Kruger] You ever snort Oxycodone? Decent buzz. It'll take the edge off the Loko.

[Kaner pulls a vial out of a pocket and taps some oxycodone powder onto a pocket mirror then snorts it, he repeats the action and offers the mirror to Kruger who also snorts it.]

Tazer: [To Kruger] For the record, I do not support Patrick's use of illicit substances.

Kaner: [To Tazer] For the record, you have an illicit butt plug up your ass, penis hound!

Kaner:[To Kruger] Let's smooth it out now.

Kaner: [To Tazer] Like a fucking Swedish knight in jail.

[Tazer looks at Rinky in confusion]

Rinky: [To Tazer]  I believe Master Kane is referring to Luscinia megarhynchos or the Common Nightingale, well known throughout Europe and Southwest Asia for it's pleasing song.

Kaner: That song gives me no ordinary boner.

Tazer: [To himself] What have I done to deserve this?

Kaner: [To Kruger] Let's get weird. You ever lick a toad?

[Kruger sobs quietly]

[Kaner walks over to a cabinet and pulls out a small aquarium containing a toad. He removes the toad and walks over toward Kruger.]

Kaner: [To Kruger] You're gonna see some freaky shit kid so manage your fucking high.

[Kaner licks the toad, then holds it our for Kruger to lick, which he does.]

Kaner: [To Rinky] Hit the lights, Rinks.

[Kruger falls onto the floor, twitching and talking to himself in Swedish. Kaner kneels over him and whispers into his ear.]

Kaner: [Whispering to Kruger] It's gonna be alright, kid. You did good.

[Kaner continues to talk Kruger down out of his trip for several minutes. Eventually Kruger starts to come down.]

Kaner: [Whispered to Kruger] Kid, listen to me. I got a new nickname for you, okay? Den ödla kung.  You hear me, kid? Den ödla kung.

Kruger: The Lizard King.

Kaner: That's fuckin' right kid, you're the fuckin' Lizard King. Now stand up and drink this.

[Kaner hands Kruger a Budweiser tallboy.]

Kaner: [To Kruger] It's the king of fucking beers, bro.

[They both pound the tallboys]

Kaner: Now hit this.

[Kaner takes a swig of Jack Daniels and hands the bottle to Kruger who does the same]

Kaner: Now this.

[Kaner takes a hit off a bottle of J&B scotch and hands the bottle to Kruger who does the same]

Kaner: You know the one I want to do.

Kaner and Kruger: WE ARE FALCONHAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. 

You can read Episodes 1-12 HERE.

[Interior, Chicago Cut Steakhouse, Downtown Chicago. Tazer and Kaner are standing at the bar ignoring the horde of young beauties staring holes into their skulls. Rinky is standing nearby, practically unnoticed.]

Tazer: Do you ever feel self-conscious when people stare at us?

Kaner: What people? You mean all these bitches? They're just here to check out my package, son.

Tazer: I doubt that, Patrick.

Kaner [Mockingly]: Oh, you doubt that, huh? Why the fuck else would they be here then, dipshit? It sure as shit isn't to look at your goofy ass. When did you start caring about what people thought about you anyway?

Tazer: There is no reason to start lobbing insults about the establishment.

Kaner: Lobbing insults about the establishment? Fuck, why are you such a gay? I gotta take a piss. I'll be back in a minute.

[As Kaner leaves the bar, he nods at Rinky who follows Kaner to the men's room.]

Kaner [To Rinky]: What the fuck, dude? Did you put him back to normal or what?

Rinky: Ah, yes, sir. Mr Wirtz asked me to recalibrate him this afternoon before the game tomorrow.

Kaner: Back to his old, boring, gay-ass self?

Rinky: Yes, sir. So sorry, sir. Now that Master Hossa and yourself are healthy again, the organization deemed it was appropriate to have Master Toews go back to his original programming.

Kaner [Muttered softly]: Fucking Hoss. Fucking European vampire asshole. Fuck. [Then aloud to Rinky] But I liked the asshole Tazer. Now I have to put up with this polite bullshit again. What a fag.

Rinky: So sorry, sir.

Kaner: Fuck. Let's go back to the bar, I'm gonna get wasted.

[Kaner and Rinky walk back to the bar]

Tazer [To Kaner]: Ah, there you are Patrick! Would you look at this? The barkeep has informed me that someone has bought us a bottle of very fine hundred year-old brandy. Would you care for a drink? [Tazer gestures at the ornate bottle on the bar].

Kaner: Fucking A, bro!

[Kaner reaches for the bottle, unseals the top and guzzles approximately eight ounces of liquor then belches. The crowd of on-lookers applaud.]

Kaner: Tastes like fucking kerosene, dude.

[The on-lookers laugh]

Tazer [Appalled]: I cannot take you anywhere, Patrick. You truly disgust me sometimes. You just drank eight hundred dollars worth of hundred year old brandy. That liquor is older than your grandfather.

Kaner: Tasted about as good as my grandpa's ball sack too.

Tazer: Cretinous behavior.

Kaner [Cleanses his palette by chugging a can of PBR]: What's cretinous mean?

Tazer: It means your behavior is akin to that of a foul, thieving, disobedient child.

Kaner: I thought you put 'em on salads.

Tazer: Put what on salads?

Kaner: Cretinous.

Tazer: You mean croutons.

Kaner: I like when they go crunch in my mouth.

Tazer: You amaze me.

Kaner: Do they have a Captain?

Tazer [Warily]: Does who have a Captain?

Kaner: The fuckin' croutons!

Tazer: I do not understand your line of inquiry.

Kaner: I don't understand why you're so gay.

Tazer: I am not a homosexual. I am dating you sister.

Kaner: Don't remind me.

Tazer: In fact we just made love earlier this afternoon.

[Kaner pounds a bottle of Grey Goose while Tazer stares at him. The on-lookers applaud.]

Kaner: Who bought us the kerosene?

Tazer: I assumed it was one your many admirers here. I did not ask the bartender.

Kaner [To the bartender]: Dude, who bought the bottle?

[The bartender leans over the bar to whisper in Kaner's ear]

Kaner [Aloud]: Oh, yeah? Where is he?

[The bartender gestures towards the dining room]

Kaner [To Tazer]: Let's go say hi.

Tazer: To whom?

[Kaner ignores thet question and leads Tazer and Rinky to a table in the middle of the dining room where a couple is having dinner.]

Kaner [Loudly]: How's it hangin' Sour Nuts?

Jay Cutler: [Mumbles something inaudible and shrugs his shoulders, then gestures at the woman at the table.]

Kaner: Yeah, I know who this is. Gotta be The Hills. What up, Cali?

Kristen Cavallari [Slightly offended]: I'm sorry, do I know you?

Tazer [To Cavallari]: Please excuse my friend. He is developmentally disabled and has not matured beyond the age of twelve.

Kaner [Gesturing at Cavallari's glass of wine]: You gonna drink that?

Tazer: Silence, Patrick or I will have Rinkesh take you home immediately without any supper.

[Kaner scowls at Tazer but doen't say anything]

Tazer [To Cavallari]: A thousands pardons mademoiselle. [Reaches down to lift her hand to his mouth for a polite kiss] If you would allow me to introduce myself, I am Jonathan Toews of the Chicago Blackhawks. This is Patrick Kane, my teammate, and this is Rinkesh, our faithful valet.

Cavallari [Smiling]: Oh, yes! I have heard of you! My name is Kristen. Didn't you win something last year?

Tazer: Indeed we had the honor of hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup last June.

Kaner [Elbows Tazer in the ribs and whispers loudly]: Tell her I scored the Cup-winner.

Tazer: Patrick would like you to know that he scored the goal in overtime of the sixth game of the Stanley Cup Finals which secured Chicago its' first Stanley Cup Championship in forty-nine years.

Kaner [To Tazer]: You said that good, bro.

[Tazer nods in acknowledgement]

Cavallari: That's awesome! Congratulations!

Tazer: Thank you, madame. The reason we have interrupted your meal however is to thank Jay for his generosity in buying us that exquisite bottle of brandy. That was very considerate.

Kaner: Sour Nuts is all class.

Cavallari: Who is Sour Nuts?

Kaner: Fuckin' Cutler!

Cavallari: Why would you call him that?

Kaner: Look at his fuckin' face! Looks like he just ate a stinky pussy for an appetizer!

[Cutler shrugs and nods]

Cavallari: Gross!

Tazer: Please excuse Patrick, Ms. Cavallari. He is as uncouth and ill-bred a fellow as you are likely to become acquainted with in your life. I assure you he is quite harmless.

[Kaner picks up Cavallari's wine glass and drinks it in one swallow]

Kaner [To Cutler]: So are you guys serious or what?

[Cutler shrugs and smirks and gestures at Cavallari]

Cavallari: Of course we are serious! We're in love!

Tazer: That is delightful.

Kaner [To Cavallari]: I'm in love with your ass.

Cavallari: Jay!

[Cutler smirks and says nothing, Tazer is appalled.]

Kaner [To Cavallari]: You wanna have a threesome?

Cavallari: Eww, you are so gross! Jay! Make him go away!

Cutler [Barely audible to everyone]: Don't worry about it. Kaner's a good kid. He just hides his insecurities behind his bravado and outrageous statements.

[Rinky nods knowingly]

Tazer: Too true.

Kaner [To Cavallari]: Does Sour Nuts wear a cock ring? I bet he does. I tried it a couple times. Very uncomfortable, made my balls itchy.

[Cutler shakes his head in bemusement and mumbles something inaudible.]

Cavallari [Outraged]: No one has ever talked to me like this in my life!

Kaner: The cool thing about a cock ring is that it makes The Turk look like a fuckin' battering ram.

Cavallari: The Turk?

Tazer [Softly]: It is the name Patrick uses for his genitalia.

[Cutler laughs loudly]

Kaner [To Cavallari]: The Turk would lay siege to your poon like it was Constantinople or some shit.  Like you don't have a nickname for Sour Nuts' equipment...

Cavallari [To Kaner]: You repulse me.

Kaner: Fine, I'll give you a nickname you can use later tonight.

[Kaner pauses to think for a few seconds]

Kaner: Okay, from now on you'll call Cutler's piece "The Bear Claw".

[Cutler snorts with laughter]

Tazer [To Kaner]: I think that's enough, Patrick. I believe we have worn out our welcome. [To Cavallari]: He really does have a heart of gold. [To Cutler]: Best of luck against the Packers on Sunday. The whole team is pulling for you and the Bears.

Kaner [To Cutler]: Yeah, bro, buttfuck those fudge-packers the same way you give it to The Hills.

Cutler [Smirking, barely audible to Tazer and Kaner]: Thanks, guys. Congrats on the Cup win.

[As Tazer leads Kaner away from the table, Kaner looks back over his shoulder at Cavallari and yells.]

Kaner: Yo, Cali! You ever try double penetration?

Tazer [To Kaner]: Inside voices, Patrick.

[As Tazer and Kaner continue walking back to the bar, Kaner picks up a stranger's half-finished cocktail from their table and pounds it.]

Kaner [To Tazer]: You think she liked me, bro?

Tazer: No. As usual you came off as an arrogant buffoon.

Kaner: I think she was checking out my unit.

Tazer: I am reasonably sure that did not happen.

Kaner [To a random girl at the bar]: Meet me in the men's room in two minutes. I need a blowjob.

[The random girl smiles and walks away towards to restrooms]

Tazer: Unbelievable.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

You can read Episodes 1-11 on my blog, HERE.

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[Interior, Tazer and Kaner's Lake Shore Drive apartment. It is 2:00 AM and Kaner has been tossing and turning in bed for over an hour. Kaner usually sleeps on his side but due to the pain in his recently injured ankle he is forced to lie on his back in an uncomfortable position.]

Kaner: Fuck this shit.

[Kaner throws off his Return of the Jedi comforter, props himself up on his crutches and starts moving himself out of his bedroom down the hallway to the bathroom.]

Kaner [To himself]: Might as well drain the old lizard.

[After evacuating his bladder, Kaner continues down the hallway to the kitchen. As he passes Tazer's bedroom, he nudges the door open with one of his crutches. Kaner pokes his head in and sees Tazer sleeping as a soft white nimbus of light pulsates gently around his sleeping form.]

Kaner [To himself]: God damn Jesus-freak.

[Kaner continues on into the kitchen where he fixes himself a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.]

Kaner [To himself]: Mama said milk is good for my bones and will make my ankle feel better.

[Kaner sits down on the couch and props up his sore ankle on a pillow, then turns on the TV, fires up the TiVO and starts watching episodes of his favorite television show, Tom and Jerry.]

Kaner [To the television]: Tom, you stupid fuckface, Jerry owns your ass every time.

[Kaner dunks a cookie in the milk until it is nice and soggy before taking a bite.]

Kaner [Singing softly to himself with a mouthful of cookies and milk]: Cookies and milk, milk and cookies, makes me feel fuzzy, just like a Wookie. [Swallows] Hahaha! Good one, Kaner.

[A half-hour later Kaner falls asleep with crumbs distributed liberally across the front of his Harry Potter pajamas and the television still on. Standing and watching all of this in the shadows of another hallway is Rinkesh AKA Rinky, Tazer and Kaner's slave houseboy.]

[Rinkesh approaches Kaner on silent feet.]

Rinky [Quietly to himself]: Oh, sir. We cannot have this every night, you know. It is of paramount importance that your ankle heals as quickly as possible.

Kaner [Talking in his sleep]: Cookies and milk....

Rinky: Yes, sir, I know.

[Rinky pulls out a small horse hair brush from his breast pocket and quickly brushes the crumbs off Kaner's chest onto the floor. Rinky then walks down the hallway and into Tazer's bedroom.]

Rinky [Looking at Tazer and talking to himself]: I thought we had resolved that issue with the glowing. I see we will have to work on that.

[Rinky gently shakes Tazer awake.]

Tazer [Fully awake and alert]: What is it, Rinkesh? Is everything okay?

Rinky: Yes, sir. Everything is fine sir. It is Master Kane, sir. May I prevail upon you to carry him to bed again?

Tazer: Of course.

[Tazer walks into the living room, picks up Kaner, carries him to his bedroom and tucks him into bed.]

Tazer [Leaning down to whisper in Kaner's ear]: We need you back soon, buddy. Get some sleep, okay?

[As Rinky and Tazer leave Kaner's room, Tazer turns on the Ewok night light next to the door.]

Rinky [To Tazer]: Sir, may I have a word with you before you retire for the rest of the evening?

Tazer: Of course, Rinkseh, what is it about?

[Tazer and Rinkesh walk back to Tazer's bedroom. Rinkesh gestures for Tazer to have a seat on the bed.]

Rinky: How are you feeling, sir?

Tazer: A few bumps and bruises, the usual for this time of year. Why do you ask?

Rinky: Just inquiring, sir. And your mental health, sir? How would you describe that?

Tazer: Oh, um, a little stressed out, I guess. Things are not as easy as they were last year. We are all trying to pick up the slack.

Rinky: I understand. You must feel a bit more pressure than the others though, considering you are the Captain.

Tazer: I suppose that is true.

Rinky: I see. Thank you, sir.

Tazer: Why are you asking me all these questions?

Rinky: Just checking in, sir. One more question, if I may, sir?

Tazer: Go ahead.

Rinky: Can you authenticate my pass code?

Tazer [With a blank look in his eyes and a flat voice]: State your pass code.

Rinky: Tomahawk.

Tazer: Pass code authenticated.

Rinky: Power down, sir.

[Tazer's head and shoulders slump forward as he nearly falls out off the edge of the bed. Rinky catches him then shoves him awkwardly back onto the bed.]

[From a different pocket, Rinkesh retrieves a mobile device]

Rinky: Dial Rockwell Wirtz.

[The mobile device rings several times before a connection is established.]

Rocky Wirtz [Via the Mobile device]: It's three o'clock in the morning, Rinkesh. What the hell do you want?

Rinky: Yes, sir, deepest apologies, sir. Number nineteen needs some maintenance, sir.

Rocky: Oh. I see. What's the problem?

Rinky: He's glowing again, sir and he's feeling a bit depressed.

Rocky: Hmm. Okay. Troubleshoot the glowing issue. There's probably a leak near the cold-fusion reactor. When you have that fixed, I'm going to need you to tweak his personal attributes processor settings.

Rinky: Is that wise, sir?

Rocky: It's a risk we're going to have to take. The team needs more from him this year and his humility and modesty are holding everyone back.

Rinky: I understand, sir.

Rocky: Let me know when it's done.

Rinky: Very well, sir. I will begin immediately, sir.

[Rinky terminates the connection and puts the mobile device back in his pocket. He leaves the bedroom and returns a few minutes later carrying a toolbox. A few minutes after that, Rinkesh has number nineteen's chest plate removed and is shining a flashlight into the cold fusion reactor, checking all the wiring and cabling. After a couple hours he eventually locates a power cable with a loose connector and replaces it. Then with a considerable amount of strenuous pushing and pulling, Rinky is able to flip Tazer onto his stomach and pull down Tazer's shorts. Just as Rinky is about to insert a USB cable into Tazer's anus, a voice from behind freezes his hand in mid-air.]

Kaner [Leaning on his crutches in the bedroom doorway]: What the fuck is going on here?!

Rinky [Turns around to face Kaner]: Oh, good morning, sir.

Kaner: I knew it! Tazer is gay and likes small, brown, hairless boys!

Rinky: No, it is not like that sir.

Kaner [Growing agitated]: You're practically elbow deep in his ass! What the fuck is going on here? Tazer! What the fuck is going on here?!

Rinky: He is not awake right now, sir.

Kaner [Confused and growing panicky]: What did you do? Did you drug him? Are you raping him?

Rinky: Calm down, sir. Let me explain.

Kaner: Explain what?! You were about to give him a rim job, weren't you?

Rinky: The man you know as Jonathan Toews is not, strictly speaking, human.

Kaner: What the fuck are you talking about?

Rinky: Technically he is a cybernetic organism or more commonly, a cyborg.

Kaner: Like a fucking robot?

Rinky: Not exactly, sir. He is partly biological and partly artificial.

Kaner: What the fuck?

Rinky: In terms you would understand, sir, he is very much like Darth Vader.

Kaner [Scared]: What the fuck?

Rinky: He is part man and part machine. He was created in a laboratory over twenty two years ago in a private endeavor funded by the Wirtz family.

Kaner: Mr. Wirtz?

Rinky: Just so. Or to be more precise, his father, William, is the one who originally underwrote the project.

[Kaner stares at Tazer's bare ass for a minute]

Rinky: I realize this must be a difficult situation to comprehend. You were never supposed to know. It is my own fault for taking too long with the repairs. I thought you would be sleeping for some time yet.

Kaner [Still staring at bare ass]: What repairs?

Rinky: You may have noticed that Master Toews sometimes appears to glow softly?

Kaner [Nodding his head]: I thought it was because he was holy...

Rinky: That is a concept that the Wirtz family and Mr. McDonough like to perpetuate - that he is a minor divinity. Actually, number nineteen is powered by a state-of-the-art cold-fusion nuclear reactor core. There was a loose power coupling that was leaking radiation and that is what was causing the glow.

Kaner: What's up with his ass?

Rinky: I was about to connect this USB cable from number nineteen to my laptop when you interrupted me. His data port is hidden behind his sphincter.

Kaner: That's sick, bro.

Rinky: It is a rather clever hiding place, I thought.

Kaner [Becoming more interested]: Does he take dumps?

Rinky: No, number nineteen does not produce waste.

Kaner: Wow.

Rinky: Indeed. Now, sir, please have a seat. You must stay off your feet as much as possible.

[Kaner goes back to his bedroom and pulls a chair into Tzaer's room. When he returns, Rinky has established a connection between number nineteen and the laptop.]

Kaner [Fully fascinated now, looking at the laptop's screen]: What are you doing?

Rinky: Mr. Wirtz has instructed me to modify number nineteen's personal attributes. His personality, if you will?

Kaner: Really? Sweet. Can you make him not be so queer?

Rinky [Typing on the keyboard]: I think you may be pleased with some of the changes I am going to make. I will be lowering his social inhibitions as well as his modesty and humility. I will also be increasing his aggression and combativeness. [Finishes typing] There. All done.

[Rinky unplugs the cable, pulls up number nineteen's shorts and again, with much effort, flips him onto his back.]

Kaner [Staring into number nineteen's chest cavity]: Holy shit! Motherfucking Vader!

Rinky: Oh, yes, I apologize. I still have to put his chest plate back on.

[Rinky grabs his tools again and in a few minutes he has the chest plate in place.]

Kaner [Leaning forward]: You don't even know it's there.

Rinky: Oh, yes, everything is quite seamless. Now, sir, I must tell you something and this is of paramount importance.

Kaner: S'up?

Rinky: Number nineteen, or Tazer if you prefer, is not self-aware. That is to say, he does not know that he is a cyborg.

Kaner: Huh.

Rinky: You must never give any indication that he is anything other than the teammate and friend you have always known him to be.

Kaner: I understand, dude.

Rinky: Go to the living room, sit down on the couch and turn on the television. We will be out shortly. Remember, you don't know anything.

Kaner: I got it, bro.

[Kaner goes back to the living room and starts watching Sesame Street.]

Tazer [From behind]: What up, Brometheus?

Kaner [Singing]: Sunny days, keeping the clouds away- [Whips his head around to look at Tazer] Brometheus?

Tazer: It's a motherfucking play on words, numb-nuts. An allusion to Greek mythology. You're about as quick as that asshole Boynton.

[Kaner stares at Tazer, shocked into silence]

Tazer: What are you looking at, slap-dick?

Kaner: Uh, nothing.

Tazer: You must be fucking queer or something, staring at me like that.

Kaner: I ain't fucking gay!

Tazer: I'm not gay either, hog-swallower.

Kaner: Homo!

Tazer: Knob-polisher!

Kaner: Butt-sniffer!

Tazer: Taint-licker!

Kaner: Ass-grabber!

Tazer: Jizz-junkie!

Kaner: Rump Ranger!

Rinky: Gentlemen, please!

[Tazer and Kaner both turn to look at Rinky]

Rinky: Master Kane is recovering from an injury and needs to rest. Master Toews, please refrain from raising his blood pressure.

Tazer and Kaner [Simultaneously, mumbled]: Sorry.

Tazer [Under his breath, to himself]: Dong-chaser.

Rinky: Now, what would you like for breakfast?

Kaner: I know Tazer wants a foot-long sausage.

Tazer: Motherfucker!

[Tazer jumps on the couch and starts boxing Kaner about the ears. Eventually Tazer gets Kaner into a full nelson with Kaner's face smashed into the couch cushions.]

Kaner [Muffled, into the cushions]: Help! Help! I'm being raped by a Canadian homo!

Tazer: I told you I am not a homo!

Kaner: Then why are you sitting on my ass?

Tazer [Mortified, looks down, then quickly leaps off the couch]: That was an accident!

Kaner: Butt pirate.

Rinky [To himself, slowly shaking his head in resignation]: Perhaps this was a bad idea.

Rinky [Aloud]: Breakfast, gentleman?

Tazer: Gimme a piece of poon and a brewski!

Kaner: Beer me!

Rinky [To himself]: Sweet Krishna, what have I done?

Tazer [To Kaner]: Call of Duty or Rock Band?

Kaner: Rock Band, bro!

[Rinky brings each of them a beer]

Tazer: One, two, three, pound it!

[They both drink their beers in three seconds]

Tazer: Rinky! Get your skinny brown ass on those drums!

Kaner [Gets up off the couch onto his crutches, then into his microphone]: We are FALCONHAWK!!!

Tazer: Fuckin' A, bro!

Rinky: God damn it.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

You can read this piece as well as fictional accounts of Kaner's love life at my blog, HERE.

I was having a hell of a time trying to come up with a way to write this post and then I got scooped and that made it considerably easier.

So let me send a big thank you to Helene Elliott of the LA Times for writing a piece on why the NHL should consider contraction. She makes the financial argument which I suppose is the only one that really matters in the end.

I was going for the more metaphysical angle about how hockey is a cultural thing and doesn't fit into warm weather cities (or Columbus). And then I was going to make the argument about how the NHL should embrace the fact that it is a niche sport and concentrate on promoting and pushing the game where, you know, it's popular, and um, cold.

But now I don't have to waste my time or yours by being the grumpy-old-man-hockey-purist and we can skip straight ahead to the fun part where we get to axe teams and play the re-alignment game!

Before I start chopping teams and breaking hearts let me just say that one of the best things that would come out of contraction would be the increase in the quality of play and rosters. I am giddy at the thought of it. I propose the NHL should contract six teams. If we redistributed the top two forward lines and the top two defensive pairs (36 forwards, 24 defensemen) each of the remaining 24 teams would receive, at the minimum, a new and improved forward line.

With the first pick in the 2012 NHL Contraction Draft, the Chicago Blackhawks select Rick Nash.

Let's do this thing.

In fashion hockey one day you're in, the next day you're out. So it is with a heavy heart that we must say auf wiedersehen to the following franchises:

• Columbus
• Carolina
• Phoenix
• Nashville
• Atlanta
• Florida

My plan also calls for relocating Tampa Bay to Hamilton, Ontario and while we're at it, we'll be eliminating the shootout in lieu of a ten minute four-on-four overtime. Games ending in a tie after the overtime, end in a tie. Three points for a win, one point for a tie.

With that in mind, let's take a look at a newly re-aligned NHL (with cool new division names).

Eastern Conference

Orr Division
-Boston
-NY Rangers
-NY Islanders
-Buffalo

Lemieux Division
-Pittsburgh
-Philadelphia
-New Jersey
-Washington

Beliveau Division
-Montreal
-Toronto
-Hamilton
-Ottawa

Western Conference

Howe Division
-Detroit
-Chicago
-St. Louis
-Minnesota

Gretzky Disvion
-Edmonton
-Calgary
-Vancouver
-San Jose

???? Division
-Los Angeles
-Colorado
-Anaheim
-Dallas

It's all so neat and tidy, is it not?

It's the same divisional set-up that MLB uses. In this universe, each division winner would make the playoffs plus one wild card team in each conference. That would be a total of eight playoff teams, or 33% of the league. That is a drastic departure from the current 53% of teams that qualify for the playoffs. Also in this scenario we would lose a round of playoffs, which I think is a great thing because it would shorten the season.

As far as the schedule goes, I would propose the following:

• Six games against each division opponent (same as now) for a total of 18 games.
• Four games against each of the eight remaining teams in the conference (same as now) for a total of 32 games.
• Two games against each of the opposing conference teams for a total of 24 games.

That gives us a grand total of 74 games in the regular season which shaves two weeks off the regular season, plus we would lose a round of playoff games which would save another two weeks. Who would like to wrap up the Cup Finals in early May? Here's two thumbs pointing at this guy.

A shorter regular season and post season would keep the players healthier, giving them a longer off-season to recover and rejuvenate. Ending the post season in early May would mean that the NHL and NBA playoffs would no longer go head to head on television which should equal higher ratings.

Another benefit of this system would be the increased importance of division games and regular season games in general. With only four playoff berths available in each conference, that places a premium on winning divisional games. Every Blackhawks-Red Wings game and Rangers-Islanders game would be that much more intense. This would be great for the NHL in promoting its' old-school inter-division rivalries.

My ???? Division worries me. First of all, it needs a name (Marcel Dionne Division?) so if you have a suggestion, put it in the comments and secondly, those are four mediocre to bad teams. It's like the NL West over there. I guess the Giants are going to the World Series this year so maybe it's a bad comparison.

But whatever, I think overall it would be awesome and if I think it's awesome that means that Bettman thinks it's a pile of shit. And if Bettman thinks it's a pile of shit then we should institute my plan immediately.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

You can read Episodes 1-10 HERE.

 

[Interior, posh conference room on the top floor of a luxury high-rise in mid-town Manhattan. Kaner and Rinky are seated on one side of a long conference table in the middle two seats. On Rinky's right is Justin Bieber and on Bieber's right is what appears to be a military officer. On Kaner's left is a wheelchair-bound boy of about ten years old. To the left of the child is Jeremy Piven. On the other side of the table are the three Committee members: Warren Beatty, Derek Jeter and Smokey Robinson.]

Beatty: All right, gentlemen, let's get this meeting started. First of all, let me offer my congratulations to each of you on your selection to participate in the 2010 Tri-Poon Tournament, the 50th year that this competition has been held. It is a tremendous honor to be selected to represent your field. Each of you has met previously with the Committee member in your field but for those of you who have not met each other previously, let me do a quick round of introductions. I am Warren Beatty, the Chair of this Committee. This is Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees and next to Derek is Motown legend Smokey Robinson. [Beatty gestures across the table to his left] This young man is recording artist Justin Bieber and his wing man is Colnel McKenzie of Canadian Special Forces. [Beatty gestures straight ahead] This is Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks ice hockey team and his wing man is Rinkesh...[Looks down at some paperwork]...I don't see a last name so I assume he goes simply by Rinkesh much like that whore Madonna who I banged four or five times a day on the set of Dick Tracy [Everyone laughs]. Finally [Beatty gestures to his right] we have actor Jeremy Piven. His wing man is Billy, the young man here in the wheelchair.

Jeter: I'd also like to offer my congratulations to all of you. This is the final meeting before the start of the competition. Today you will be receiving your final instructions, you will have a chance to huddle with your field's Committeeman to discuss strategy and we will give you the schedule of events.

Smokey: Congratulations on your selection, men. The only thing I have to say is this: Don't leave any points out there. Don't leave any stone unturned and don't leave any snatch unbanged. Good luck.

Beatty: You have all read the preliminary instruction packet and now we'd just like to review a couple of the most important points. Your wing man is responsible for keeping your score. We will have auditors in the field doing spot-checks to maintain the integrity of the event. This a gentleman's game and we rely upon the participants to uphold its' values and traditions. Points can only be tallied after vaginal intercourse with a female is completed. You must finish inside the lady. This Committee does not endorse the use of contraception and a half point will be deducted from any scoring play in which a condom is used. During the competition you may seek verbal advice from your Committeeman as well all former candidates in your field. Any lady involved in a scoring play must be affiliated in some way with Fashion Week. In other words, a waitress working a cocktail party at a Fashion Week event is fair game but a random hostess at a TGI Friday's in the Village is a waste of your time and jizz. Target with care.

Jeter: Here is the schedule and the contact information for all former candidates in your field that are presently alive. [Slides three manila envelopes across the table] You can peruse it after you leave this meeting but the most important thing to know is that the first of five scoring windows opens tomorrow at noon.

Smokey [To Jeter]: Give 'em the Wild Card.

[Murmuring amongst the candidates and their wing men.]

[Jeter slides three smaller envelopes across the table.]

Beatty: That is your Wild Card, gentlemen. Inside the envelope you will find a scenario. If you complete the entire scenario you will receive a ten point bonus. You may not open the wild card until after you leave this room. I hereby declare the 2010 Tri-Poon Tournaent Open! This meeting is adjourned and you can all huddle with your respective Committeeman.

[The candidates and their wing men break off into groups with their respective Committeeman.]

[The Acting Group of Beatty, Piven and Billy are talking in one corner of the room.]

Beatty [To Piven, gesturing at Billy]: I see you played the cripple card with your wing man. That is a high-risk, high-reward endeavor.

Piven: Yeah, I know what you're saying but kids in wheelchairs open a lot of doors and girls turn into water when they find out that I'm helping a terminally ill kid live out his Make-A-Wish dream. Billy knows what he's doing.

Beatty: [To Billy] What's wrong with you, kid?

Billy: Nothing, sir. Mr. Piven hired me to play the part.

Beatty: I like the way you're thinking, Piven. By the way, what do you call your cock?

Piven: El toro de oro.

Billy: The Golden Bull.

Beatty: I like it, Piven.

Piven [Bashfully]: Do you mind sir, if I ask what yours is called?

Beatty: Majestic Prince.

Piven: Holy shit.

Beatty: He's named after the 1969 Kentucky Derby winner. I was told on more than one occassion that our equipment bore a striking resemblance to each other.

Piven: Wow.

[The Music Group of Smokey, Col. McKenzie and Bieber are huddling in a different corner of the room.]

Smokey [To Col. McKenzie, gesturing at Bieber]: Is Weapon X a go for Operation: Beaver Hunt?

Col. McKenzie: That's an affirmative, sir. We ran him through a full battery of tests earlier in the summer at the Much Music Award in Toronto and we were very pleased with the results.

Smokey: With all due respect Colonel, that was Canada and this is New York. I've plowed my way through the Maritime Provinces more than once. The poonanny exchange rate is something like five Canadian for one American. Is your boy up for this? He's been silent the whole day.

Col. McKenzie: He is in stand-by mode right now. At noon tomorrow he will be a fully armed and operational battle station.

Smokey: Very good Colonel. Best of luck.

Col. McKenzie: Thank you, sir. May I ask you one question sir? We are missing one data point and we would like to make sure we have that integrated into Weapon X's psych system before we activate him.

Smokey: What is the question?

Col. McKenzie: The name of your penis, sir.

Smokey: The Sandman. I've put more butts to sleep than you could dream of Colonel.

Col. McKenzie: Very good, sir. Thank you, sir.

[The Athletics Group of Jeter, Kaner and Rinky are talking in a third corner of the room.]

Jeter [To Kaner]: How are you feeling? Are you ready to go?

Kaner: Yeah, bro. I'm ready to do this thing.

Jeter: Alright, good. I just want to make sure you are aware of a couple things.

Kaner: What's up?

Jeter: You are going to be at a big disadvantage going up against those two. Their name and face recognition are going to dwarf yours. A lot of the actresses and models will have no idea who you are.

Rinky [To Jeter]: I have accounted for that variable in my operational algorithms, sir.

Jeter [To Rinky]: So how do you plan to counteract that problem?

Rinky: Depending on circumstances, the highest-yield strategy is most likely going to be an all-out assault on the personal assistants, waitresses and the like.

Jeter: That's a rough game to play. I remember back when I was a candidate in '98 I was coming off my second World Series win but my name and face recognition weren't much higher than yours is right now, even here in New York. I was in a tight spot going up against Ben Affleck and Puff Daddy. I tried that high-volume approach for a couple of scoring windows but I wasn't getting enough points. Eventually I had to roll the dice and I ended up being able to nail my Wild Card plus I took down Sophia Loren and Cher, both Oscar-winners. It was a big upset when I won that year.

Kaner: I hear ya, bro. The Turk doesn't quit though so let's just see how it goes early on.

Jeter: The Turk? I assume that is the name you gave your piece?

Kaner: That's right.

Jeter: I call mine Dragon Master.

Rinky: Whoa.

Jeter: That's exactly what the ladies say, kid.

Rinky: Impressive.

Kaner [To Jeter]: Well, thanks for the advice, dude.

Jeter: No problem. Call me if you have any questions.

Kaner: Take it easy, bro.

[A few minutes later Kaner and Rinky are in the back of a cab on the way to their hotel.]

Kaner: Rinks, open the Wild Card.

[Rinky opens the envelope]

Rinky: It says: "For ten points, you must score with both Olsen twins within one scoring window. Good luck."

Kaner: Mary-Kate and Ashley? Shit. I fucked one of them already. I don't remember which one. It was at a Juniors tournament in Montreal like five years ago.

Rinky: Will they remember you, sir?

Kaner: Doubt it. We were high on peyote. I smoked a lot of peyote in Juniors.

Rinky: I didn't know that, sir.

Kaner: Yeah, man, that's good shit. This one time I got so high that I met my spirit guide.

Rinky: What form did it take, sir?

Kaner: He had the body of a scorpion and the head of George Clinton and it was wearing a Gretzky Oilers jersey, number ninety-nine.

Rinky: George Clinton from Parliament Funkadelic? Wow, sir. Did he say anything?

Kaner: He said three things which I have always tried to remember and to live by. First he said: "Patrick, always remember, bros before ho's."

Rinky: What was the second thing?

Kaner: The second thing he told me was: "If there's grass on the field, play ball."

Rinky: The third thing?

Kaner: Yeah, he said one other thing which I never understood: "Sometimes before you can stuff a beaver you have to eat a clam."

Rinky: Huh. That doesn't make much sense, sir.

Kaner: Yeah, I haven't ever figured that out.

Rinky: I'm sure you'll get it eventually.

This is the end of Part 2. Check back soon for Part 3 in which the first scoring window opens as the Tri-Poon Tournament gets underway!

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

 

You can read Episodes 1-10 HERE.

[Interior, back room of the NHL Store in Manhattan. Tazer and Kaner have just finished a promotional appearance pimping EA Sports NHL 11 and are sitting down, drinking some water before they get ready to leave.]

Tazer: So, you are planning on staying in New York for a few more days? What's going on?

Kaner: Yeah, bro. Check it out, they picked me to compete in the Tri-Poon Tournament.

Tazer: I beg your pardon?

Rinky: The Tri-Poon Tournament, sir. It's very prestigious.

Tazer: I thought I was familiar with most of the prestigious North American hockey tournaments.

Rinky: It's not a hockey tournament, sir.

Kaner: Yeah bro, this is a tourney for poon-hunters.

Tazer: I am sorry...I do not understand.

Kaner: Pussy-hounds, cuz. Didn't you know I'm the number one ranked cooze-chaser in the NHL? Rankings came out last week.

Tazer: I don't know what you're talking about.

Rinky [Shaking his head]: Of course you don't, sir. You are ranked number seven hundred and forty-eight.

Tazer: Out of how many?

Rinky: Seven hundred and fifty, sir.

Tazer [Coldly]: I see.

Kaner: Anyway, bro, I have to stick around for a few days and try and defend the title.

Tazer: From who?

Kaner: Piven, for one.

Tazer: Jeremy Piven? He's a Blackhawks fan.

Kaner: He's a band-wagoner, dude. Only shows up at the playoffs.

Rinky [Quietly to himself]: But damn, he can pull some tail.

Tazer: He seemed like a nice enough fellow on the occasions we have met.

Kaner: Don't kid yourself, bro-ham. Piven's a Grade-A douche bag and he snags more snatch than just about anyone in Hollywood.

Rinky: Oh, the competition will be stiff this year.

Kaner: And so will The Turk.

Rinky: Indeed, sir. Indeed.

Tazer: Who is The Turk?

Kaner: My tool, bro. My johnson.

Tazer: Your penis has a name?

Kaner: Yours doesn't?

Tazer [Disgusted]: Of course not.

Kaner: That's about to change, son. Every dong needs a name. Let's see, let's see. I've seen your package more times than I care to remember. It's nicely proportioned, well-groomed, clean, a slight east-west curvature, circumcised, decent coloring, the ball sack is rather loose but all in all I would say it's a very powerful yet optimistic wang.

Tazer [Horrified]: Oh my God.

Kaner: From now on, your cock's name is Thor.

Rinky [To Kaner] : Well done, sir.

Rinky [To Tazer]: Congratulations, sir. [Extends his hand to shake with Tazer]

Tazer: Thor? The Norse God of thunder?

Kaner: Fuck yeah, bro! Your knob is a fucking divinity!

Tazer: It is?

Kaner: Fuckin' A! Go forth and hammer the shit out of unsuspecting virgins.

Tazer: I have a girlfriend.

Kaner: Don't remind me, dick-lick. You're the twenty-two year-old Captain of the Stanley Cup Champions. The world is a buffet of free pussy and yet you decide you'd would like to fuck my sister. Real smart, rim-taster.

Tazer: We're in love.

Kaner: Love is for homos.

[Tazer shrugs his shoulders]

Kaner: Whatever. I have to get going. I have to go meet with The Committee in a few minutes.

Tazer: The Committee?

Kaner: Warren Beatty, Derek Jeter and Smokey Robinson. All legendary cocksmen. Hall-of-Famers. I can't believe I have to explain this to you.

Tazer [Insulted]: Well, excuse me!

Kaner: Look, every year The Committee meets to sort out the rankings and pick one candidate from each of their areas of expertise: Acting, Athletics and Music. The candidates then compete in the Tri-Poon Tournament. Last year it was Robert Pattinson, Tim Tebow and John Legend.

Tazer: Tim Tebow?

Kaner: Yeah, dude. Don't believe the hype. That kid has the best PR team in the world. I was hanging out with him last night. Found out that one: he's an atheist, two: he fucked the entire Broncos cheer leading squad in his first week with the team and three: he calls his cock "The Flamethrower".

Rinky: He took Team Edward and Legend to school last year.

Kaner: So this year it's up to me to defend the title for Athletics.

Tazer: Against Piven and who?

Rinky [Whispered]: Bieber.

Tazer: Justin Bieber?

Kaner: AKA Weapon X. At least that's what he calls his cock. A top-secret Canadian military experiment sent to fuck his way through every tween, pre-teen, teen, twenty-something, thirty-something, milf and cougar in Los Angeles.

Rinky: He fornicates with the efficiency of a perpetual motion machine.

Tazer: I am amazed.

Kaner: Don't sleep on Bieber.

Tazer: So, if you would, please tell me how this tournament is conducted.

Rinky: It's quite simple, sir.

Kaner: It's New York Fashion Week, bro.

Rinky: The single largest gathering of models and celebrities on the calendar.

Kaner: The snatch convention to end all snatch conventions. You can smell the poon in the air.

Rinky: Personal assistants, hair designers, make-up artists, waitresses and any Kardashian sister are worth a half-point each. Self-promoting party-whores with no discernible talent are worth one point. Common models and reality TV actresses are one and a half points. Musicians with a record deal and actresses with a weekly sitcom or drama are worth two points. Supermodels, feature film actresses, Emmy-winners and Grammy-winners are worth three points. Oscar-winners are four points. J-Lo is five points and Anna Wintour, the Editor of Vogue is ten points. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are worth zero points.

Kaner: It's tough out there, bro. Tough decisions. Do I go for volume and try to bang out as many PA's as I can? Or do I go for the big game and shoot for award-winning actresses?

Tazer: A veritable dilemma. How long does this thing last?

Rinky: During Fashion Week there are five twenty-four hour windows during which points can be scored, sir. The windows are open from noon to noon on dates to be determined by The Committee this afternoon. That's what the meeting is about.

Tazer: Well, uh...Good luck, I guess?

Kaner: Thanks, Thor. I'll see you at Training Camp next week.

[Tazer and Kaner shake hands.]

This is the end of Part 1. Check back tomorrow for Part 2 in which we meet The Committee, Piven, Bieber and the Tri-Poon Tournament begins!

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

You can read Episodes 1-9 HERE.  You can follow me on Twitter HERE.

[Interior, HARPO studios in Chicago, IL. Tazer and Kaner are relaxing in the Green Room prior to going on the set to record an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Kaner is wearing his sunglasses, as usual, to assist him in recovering from a hangover. Both players are wearing their red, home jerseys and jeans.]

Production Assistant [Pokes her head into the Green Room]: You have about 15 minutes before we'll need you on the set, can I get you anything before then?

Kaner: Bloody Mary.

PA: Right away, Mr. Kane. Mr. Toews, can I get you anything?

Tazer: No, thank you, ma'am.

[The PA closes the door]

Kaner: Not a fucking word out of you.

Tazer: Did I say anything?

Kaner: I can feel you looking at me, judging me.

Tazer: As long as you get all your partying done by the time training camp starts, I don't care how much you abuse yourself.

Kaner: Fine.

Tazer: Yes, fine.

[The PA returns with Kaner's Bloody Mary]

Kaner [To the PA]: Thanks, sweetheart.

[Kaner drains the glass in two seconds.]

[There is a knock on the door a few moment later. Oprah Winfrey enters the green room. Tazer and Kaner hop up from their seats to greet her.]

Oprah: Hello, boys. I just wanted to come by and introduce myself before the show. Is there anything we can get for you before we get going today?

Tazer: No ma'am.

Kaner: I just wanted to tell you that when I was a kid I used to watch your show all the time and that I am a huge fan.

Oprah: Is that right? That's sweet of you to say.

Kaner: I grew up in a house with three sisters plus my mom so your show was on all the time. I think I got my first boner watching you.

Oprah [Flustered]: Oh, umm. I don't think I've heard that one before. I'm not sure what to say. I'll, uh, see you guys out there.

[Oprah leaves the room in a hurry.]

Tazer: As smooth as silk. As subtle as a whisper. As usual.

Kaner: Go fuck yourself, ass-bandit.

[They sit in silence until the PA returns to bring them into the wings of the set. As they are standing in the wings, they can hear the opening music to the show and Oprah being introduced and entering the set to sound of insane cheering. The Stanley Cup is sitting on the floor next to Tazer. Finally, the cheering dies down and Oprah starts her monologue. The audience does not know what the subject of the show is.]

Oprah: I have to tell y'all something. [Pause] I have been looking forward to doing this show for months!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Oh, this is going to be a special show, people!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: I know you have seen me get excited before when we've had guests on like Denzel Washington...

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Tom Cruise...

[Insane Cheering]

Oprah: John Travolta...

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: But I'm gonna take it local for y'all today. I wanna tell y'all something that I don't think I have ever told anyone before except for Stedman and Gail. And, Gail, hoo boy, she just don't get it! I know you are all sittin' there in your seats wondering to yourselves "What is that lady talkin' about, since I already know everything there is to know about Oprah! I read it in the check-out line at the grocery store!"

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: I am serious now, people. Are you ready for my secret?

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: I love the Chicago Blackhawks! And here are my guests: Patrick Kane and JONATHAN Tay-AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Insane cheering]

[Tazer walks onto the set carrying the Cup over his head. Chelsea Dagger is playing in the studio and the crowd is clapping along, happily. Tazer puts the Cup on a table in the middle of the set. The table is positioned between one chair on stage left, which Oprah sits down on and two chairs across from her on stage right which Tazer and Kaner sit down on. ]

Oprah: Now that is some serious bling!

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: So, I know that it's a tradition that each player gets to have a day with the Stanley Cup during the summer. Patrick, I understand you had your day with it a couple days ago?

Patrick [Still in his sunglasses]: Yeah, that's right. I took it back to my hometown of Buffalo, New York.

Oprah: And what did you do with it?

Patrick: Oh, you know, we took it to a few local bars, I visited a hospital and a fire station. I did a few other things too.

Oprah: Something interesting happened at that fire station, if I understand correctly. Can you tell us about that?

Patrick: Yeah, I wanted to take the Cup up on one of those buckets they have on their ladder trucks, you know what I'm talking about? Well I they put me in the bucket and I get up there and the ladder breaks so I am stuck in the bucket for like twenty minutes or something. I was pretty scared.

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: And I heard you took it on another little adventure last night as well...

Patrick: Yeah, I was able to take it out to the Jimmy Buffett concert and get up there on stage and sing a song with Jimmy and the Cup right there on stage.

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: It certainly looks like you were having a good time up there. Alright, when we come back, we'll talk with Jonathan about his day with the Stanley Cup!

[Insane cheering]

[While the show is in commercial break some producers come on the set to talk with Oprah briefly. After they leave Kaner leans over towards Oprah.]

Kaner: Hey, Oprah.

[Oprah looks up from some paperwork]

Oprah [Smiling]: Yes, Patrick?

Kaner: You can call me Kaner.

Oprah: Okay, I'll remember that.

Kaner: Are you a lesbo? Cuz I heard you and Gail eat each other out, is that true?

Oprah: Oh, Patrick, you don't believe all that stuff in the tabloids do you?

Kaner: I don't know, I just hoped it wasn't true cuz I always had a mad crush on you. I wanted to see if, you know, you might wanna come over to my place tonight and hang out.

Oprah: Oh, that's very sweet of you to ask but I have a boyfriend, Patrick.

Kaner: He's gay. Check it out, O-Dub, come over tonight and let me taste some of that dark chocolate you got goin' on inside them pants.

Oprah [To Tazer]: Is he serious?

Tazer: Oh, quite.

Oprah [Unsure, confused]: I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered.

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner: I wanna see your ass jiggle like a tub of molasses.

Oprah: And we're back with Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup Champion, Chicago Black HAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Jonathan, let's take a look at what you did on your day with the Stanley Cup a few weeks ago.

[The lights in the studio are dimmed as they roll a clip of the high-lights of Tazer's day with the Cup]

Kaner [While the clip is rolling, whispered]: Hey, O-Dog!

[Oprah gives Kaner a raised eyebrow look that means "Can't you see I'm busy - Not right now!"]

Kaner [Whispered]: You ever tried Buffalo meat?

[Oprah gives him a shrugged shoulders/quizzical look meaning "What the hell are you talking about?"]

Kaner: I got a Buffalo steak in my pants for you.

Oprah [Disgusted whisper]: You are gross!

[Kaner winks at her]

[Lights in the studio come back up as the clip finishes]

Oprah: So it looks like you had quite a day with the Cup, Jonathan.

Tazer: Oh, yeah. It was pretty crazy up there. It was just really nice to be able to give back to my hometown of Winnipeg after all the support I have received from them throughout my life.

Oprah: That's great, Jonathan. When we come back, we're going to get into all the questions you are dying to know about, starting with: Do these two young men have girlfriends?

[Insane cheering]

[Again the producers come up to Oprah during the break and go through more paperwork with her. After they leave, Kaner leans in.]

Kaner: Hey, O-bie Wan.

Oprah [Exasperated]: What is it, Patrick?

Kaner: You herb friendly?

Oprah: What are you talking about?

Kaner: You know, ever burn tree? 4:20?

Oprah: [To Tazer]: What is he talking about?

Tazer: Patrick is inquiring as to whether or not you ever partake in what he calls the Hippy Lettuce but what you may be more familiar with as cannabis or marijuana.

Oprah: Oh, I see. No, I have not smoked pot in over thirty years.

Kaner [To Tazer]: Told you she's down.

Kaner [To Oprah]: Check it: Tonight you come over to my place and I'll vaporize some Tibetan Sunshine and we'll get smoothed out. Maybe we can watch Planet Earth and then you'll break me off some of that junk in your trunk.

Oprah [To Tazer]: How do you live with this animal?

Tazer: Oh. Well, I am the only one on the team who can take care of him and if I was not around to supervise him, he would be ten times worse. He is actually quite a good hockey player and we do require his skills on the ice. Much of his coarse, uncouth, ill-bred behavior is accepted as long as he keeps playing well.

Kaner [To Tazer]: Thanks, bro.

[Tazer nods in acknowledgement]

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner [To Oprah]: I like my butt meat dark.

Oprah: And we're back! So guys, let's get into this, everyone in the audience is dying to know: Are you single? Kaner, excuse me, Patrick, let's start with you.

Kaner: I'm single but I would give up my crazy swinging lifestyle if I could get a date with you.

[Roars of laughter]

Oprah: Tell me, Patrick, where would you take me on a date?

Kaner: First of all, I would fly us out to my hometown of Buffalo. I bet you've never been there. I would take you to the most romantic place in the world, Niagra Falls, for a sunrise. I would show you around the neighborhood where I grew up. Then I would take you out for lunch to the Subway they named after me. I would introduce you to my family and finally I would take you out for an evening of dancing.

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Well, Patrick that sounds lovely. I might have to take you up on that someday. And you know what, I actually have already met one member of your family today. I'll introduce her to rest of you when we come back.

[The producers come and do their thing with Oprah again, then leave]

Kaner [To Oprah]: That was all bullshit, baby. I just wanna get you back to my crib, get you stoned, eat some brownies off your belly and get freaky on your sweet, luscious ass.

Oprah: You simultaneously revolt me and fascinate me, Patrick.

Kaner: I'll fascinate your booty tonight.

[Tazer shakes his head in resignation]

Kaner [To Tazer]: Don't judge me, rim-licker.

Kaner: [To Oprah]: C'mon, baby, listen to me. Tonight we'll both drop some E, then you'll ride the Kane-train to Pleasure Town and I'll take the Creamsicle Express to the center of your Tootsie Pop.

[Oprah raises her eyebrows in surprise and disgust]

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner: I bet your ass tastes like hot-buttered rum.

Oprah: Welcome back everyone! We're visiting with Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks. Before the break I told you I was going to introduce you to one of Patrick's relatives and I am sorry to tell y'all that this lovely young woman in the front row is Erica Kane, Patrick's sister and that she and Jonathan have been dating for several months.

[Polite applause as Kaner's face clouds over]

Oprah: Erica, can you tell us how you and Jonathan met?

Erica: Well, the first time we met was during Jonathan and Patrick's rookie season when they were just becoming teammates and friends. The next season they moved in together as roommates and whenever my family would go to Chicago to watch Patrick play, we would visit their apartment. Jonathan and I became friends during that second season.

Oprah: And so your romance developed out of that friendship, then?

Erica: Actually, he's so old-fashioned. He called my dad to ask his permission to court me before he actually asked me out on a date. My whole family just loves him.

[Contented, overweight, happy, suburban, white, female, middle class, romantic comedy-loving applause]

Oprah: Jonathan, has your relationship with Erica caused any problems in your friendship with Patrick?

Tazer: Well, I know he was not very pleased with me when we first started going out. But then I tried to explain to him that both his parents and his two other sisters were cool with it and I think that calmed him down a little.

[Roars of laughter]

Oprah: Patrick, is that true? Have you accepted their relationship?

Kaner: To be honest, I just try not to think about it. If I did, I think I might puke.

[Roars of laughter]

Oprah: Fair enough. When we come back I am going to introduce you to the most interesting person I have met in a long time.

[The producers come and do their thing with Oprah again, then leave]

Kaner [To Oprah]: Why'd you have to bring my sister out here?

Oprah: Did that bother you? That's good. Do you know why? Because conflict makes for good television. Plus, I like to see someone else on this set squirm with awkwardness besides me today.

Kaner: I am sorry if I made you feel awkward.

[Tazer hisses with a sharp intake of surprise. Kaner and Oprah both look at him, questioningly.]

Tazer [To Kaner]: You have never apologized to anyone in your life!

Kaner: That's true.

Oprah: I am honored.

Kaner [To Oprah]: Let me make it up to you tonight. Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz and listened to Dark Side of the Moon while baked out of your mind? I think you would like it. There's a whole 'nother world out there, baby.

Oprah: I'll think about it.

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner: I'm as hard as the Tin Man right now.

Oprah: You know I have had some interesting guests on my show over the years: The Dalai Lama, President Obama and Bill Murray to name just a few. So when my producers were researching this show, they thought I had to meet this young man. He goes by only one name: Rinkesh.

[Polite applause]

[Rinky is sitting next to Erica in the front row of the audience.]

Oprah [To Rinky]: I have to say that even after all the research my producers put it, they still were not able to fully understand the relationship between you and Jonathan and Patrick.

Rinky: Well, Oprah, I can't say that I heard a question in your statement there. Was there something in particular you were curious about?

Oprah: Excuse me. Could you explain how a young man such as yourself, a child in fact, has come to live with two professional hockey players?

Rinky: I suppose I would describe the relationship as a symbiotic one in that all the involved parties receive benefits from their mutual interactions with one another. Much like a Sea anemones and clownfish rely upon each other to sustain themselves.

Kaner [Whispering to Tazer]: We're like Finding Nemo, bro.

Oprah [To Rinky]: I see, so how do your parents feel about this arrangement?

Rinky: I have never known my parents. I was sold out of my family as an infant.

Oprah [Appalled]: You were sold into slavery?!?

Rinky: I can understand how one might see it from that perspective if you were not involved but I am sure I have had a much more well-rounded and satisfying life up to this point having left India than I would have if I stayed in the slums of Calcutta.

Oprah [To Kaner]: So, Patrick, have you adopted this young man? What is the precise nature of your relationship?

Kaner: I sing and he plays the drums. Tazer plays the guitar.

Oprah: What are you talking about, Patrick?

Kaner: Our band, FALCONHAWK. We rock pretty hard, dude.

Oprah: Your band?

Kaner: Yeah, dude. We're a power trio, like Rush. You should see Rinkles lay down the beat. He's got this thirty piece drum kit with a gong and everything. Just like Bonham.

Oprah: I am confused. Jonathan, perhaps you might be better able to explain how this young man came to be in your life.

Kaner [Interrupting]: What do you mean you are confused? Don't you know who John Bonham is?

Oprah: No, I am sorry, I don't.

Kaner [To the audience]: Dude doesn't know who John Bonham is! How can you get a TV show and not know that? I feel embarrassed for Opie.

[Roars of laughter]

Kaner [To Oprah]: Hey Sno-Cone, you need to get the Led out.

Oprah's producer [In her earpiece]: You're losing control! You have sixty seconds!

Oprah: Patrick, I have a feeling that you are trying to avoid answering my questions about the nature of your relationship with this young man.

Rinky: Oprah, I fear you you are grasping at shadows here. Jonathan and Patrick are my legal guardians, although it feels more like brotherhood, and that is all you need to know. They provide me with everything a guardian is expected to provide and they rely upon my services and expertise in a wide array of fields.

Kaner: One time, I saw him carve up a vampire in a knife-fight. True story. Kid's got a wicked-good knife hand.

Oprah's producer [In her earpiece]: We're out of time, wrap it up.

Oprah: Unfortunately I think we are out of time today. I hope that all of you are able to come back some day to talk a little bit more about your lives because frankly I find it astonishing. I would like to thank my guests today: Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: My thanks also to Erica Kane and Rinkesh. We'll see you next time.

[Insane cheering]

[Fast forward to fifteen minutes after the show. Tazer, Kaner, Erica and Rinky are all sitting in the green room, hanging out. A PA knocks on the door and pokes her head in.]

PA: I apologize for keeping you here after the show but Oprah would like a word before you all leave. She never asks to speak to the guests after the show so I am not sure what she wants.

[The PA closes the door]

Kaner: She wants a piece of my johnson.

Erica: Be nice, Patrick.

[Oprah comes into the room a couple of minutes later]

Kaner: Big O in the hizzy!

Oprah [To all of them]: You guys sure avoided my questions as the end.

Rinky: I believe we answered them satisfactorily.

Oprah: I know I don't feel that you did and I doubt my audience does either.

Kaner: How about you come out to dinner tonight with me and then we'll go back to my place and I'll answer every question you have.

Oprah [Conflicted]: Fine. But I am only agreeing to this because I am concerned about the child's well-being.

Kaner: HOLLA!!!! [Jumps out of his chair and starts doing an awful dance while singing] She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck! Thighs like a what, what, what! Baby move your butt, butt, butt!

Oprah: Son of a bitch.

Episodes 1-7 can be read HERE.

[Exterior, dusk, rural Slovakia. Tazer, Kaner and Rinky, representing the Blackhawks organization, have traveled to Slovakia to attend Marian Hossa's wedding. After flying from Chicago to Prague via London, they take a train to Trencin, Marian's hometown. From Trencin they are shuttled in a black Mercedes limousine for over an hour deep into the wooded foothills by a strangely silent chauffeur. He lets them out with their luggage in front of a ten foot tall iron gate, which is open. In the distance they see the unmistakable silhouette of a castle's parapets outlined against a blood red sunset. Without a word the chauffeur gestures them forward then gets back into the limo and drives away.]

 

Kaner: It's like motherfuckin' Castlevania up in here!

Tazer: Indeed. What would you say, Rinkesh, twelfth century?

Rinky: Oh, at least, sir. Possibly eleventh or even tenth. I would need to get a closer look at the masonry to be sure.

Tazer: Of course, but medieval without question.

Rinky: I had no idea Mister Hossa was a man of such means. To maintain a residence of this size-

Kaner: [Interupting] Hoss shits gold bricks.

Tazer: [Ignoring Kaner] Shall we, gentlemen?

[The group starts walking up a long narrow path, sometimes barely visible in the fading sunlight, through dense stands of centuries-old walnut and oak. The only sound they hear is a breeze rustling the treetops high above them and their own heavy breathing. By the time they reach the top of the hill they are all panting and sweating under the weight of their luggage. In front of them is an immense set of double oak doors, fifteen feet high and intricately carved.]

Tazer: [Breathing heavily, bent double with his hands on his knees] Rinky, go knock.

[Rinky approaches the huge iron knocker and just as his hand is about to touch it, the doors begin to swing silently inward.]

Rinky: I did not even touch the knocker, sirs.

Tazer: Don't worry about it, Rinkesh. Apparently we were expected.

Kaner: Hoss better have some god-damn Fiddle Faddle in there. I'm fuckin' hungry and he knows that's my snack.

[As the doors swing open, a flood of golden light pours through the threshold. They are able to make out the figure of a man standing inside an enormous entry hall but his face is obscured by the light. The floors and walls are both made of dark wood and the walls are all carved in the same intricate motif as the front doors. There are candles on the walls, along the banister of the grand marble staircase behind the man, in elaborate floor stands as well as candelabras. The man steps forward and his face becomes clear as he walks up to the trio.]

Marian: Honored teammates and guests, welcome to my humble home.

[Marian is wearing a floor length robe of crimson silk, edged in sable fur.]

Kaner: Nice robe, Hoss. Where's the bar?

Tazer: [Steps forward and shakes hands with Marian] It is lovely to see you again, old friend. On behalf of Patrick, Rinkesh, and the entire Chicago Blackhawks organization, we are honored to be invited to your home and would like to extend the heartiest of congratulations on your impending marriage.

Kaner: [To Marian] Yeah, bro, congrats. Good job. You locked down the same piece of ass for the next fifty years. You can go ahead and retire your balls now.

Marian: Thank you, Jonathan, my fiancee and I accept your congratulations with the utmost goodwill.

Kaner: Nice crib, by the way. Reminds me of the Governor's mansion from "Benson".

Marian: Oh? I do not believe I familiar with "Benson".

Kaner: [To Rinky, shocked] Dude says he never saw "Benson"!

Rinky: It's the great pity of the world, sir.

Kaner: [To Marian] C'mon Ho-dog, be straight with me. You never got "Benson" on TV in Slovakia?

Marian: No, I am afraid not. We did get re-runs of "Knight Rider" which I did not care for and "Too Close For Comfort" which I enjoyed very much. Jim J. Bullock always made me laugh.

Kaner: [With raised eyebrows] I'm pretty sure Benson could kick J.J. Bullock's ass up and down those stairs behind you all day. I don't believe you never saw "Benson"! The theme from "Knight Rider" was tight though. Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Rinky: Duh-duh-duh-duh!

Kaner and Rinky together: Da-da-da-da-DA-DA!

[Kaner and Rinky perform their complex five-step handshake with two snaps over the right shoulder]

Marian: Oh, Patrick, I almost forgot. This is for you. I knew you would want it.

[Marian reaches inside his robe and pulls out a box and tosses it to Kaner]

Kaner: Fuckin' Fiddle Faddle! BOOM!

[Holding the box of Fiddle Faddle in one hand, Kaner starts doing a hybrid Running Man/Cabbage Patch dance in the spot where's he's standing while starting to recite the opening narration from Knight Rider.]

Kaner: "Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist..."

[Tazer ignores Kaner's antics, Rinky smiles foolishly while bobbing his head to the beat, Marian smiles benevolently.]

Kaner: "...Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law." [Stops dancing] Yeah, that's the good shit. [Opens the box of Fiddle Faddle and eats a handful.]

Tazer: [To Marian] Perhaps we should turn in, Marian. It has been a long travel day for us.

Kaner: Speak for yourself, butt-munch, I'm ready to party.

Marian: Tell me, Patrick, have you ever tried Absinthe?

Kaner: Never heard of it.

Rinky: Ah, the Green Fairy.

Marian: [Surprised] You are familiar with the beverage, sir?

Kaner: [Muttering to himself] JT's a green fairy.

Rinky: [To Marian] Am I not a Master Mixologist as certified by the London College of Mixology? I have been intimate with the mind-expanding properties of absinthe for many years now.

Marian: Indeed?

Rinky: Indeed.

Marian: Perhaps I shall prepare nightcaps for everyone then?

Rinky: Certainly.

Marian: Let us retire to the library.

[Marian leads the group through a series of much darker, damper and colder passageways until they arrive at a richly decorated room with countless books lining the shelves of three walls. A fire taller than Tazer occupies up most of the fourth wall. In one corner there is a fully stocked bar behind which Marian immediately takes up his position. Everyone else takes seats in large, comfortable chairs in front of the roaring fire.]

Marian: [Gesturing around the room] My great-grandfather, the 14th Baron, was a collector of rare books.

Kaner: [Knowingly] I went to the libary last week. They keep the old poon there.

Tazer: I thought I knew the biographies of all of my teammates. I had no idea you were of royal blood, Marian.

Marian: [Dismissively] I don't like to talk about it.  [Quickly changing the subject] What I will be serving to you gentlemen is not a traditional absinthe as most people know it. What I serve in this house, since we are in Slovakia after all, is more of what one might call wormwood bitters. It has a higher alcohol content than traditional absinthe and has been known to induce...how shall I put it...visions...in some people.

Rinky: Yes, it is true that the Slovakian absinthe is slightly different than what you might find elsewhere on the continent. It is an enlightening refreshment. It opens channels and corridors of the mind that you may never have known existed.

Kaner: [In a high-pitched falsetto] We gonna get hiiiiiiiiiiigh.

[Marian finishes the drinks by dissolving a sugar cube into each glass. As the sugar begins to mingle with the alcohol, the mixture takes on a glowing green hue.]

Rinky: The Green Fairy.

Marian: [Steps out from behind the bar with the glowing green glasses on a silver tray] A toast, gentlemen. To old friends!

Everyone: To old friends! [Everyone drinks]

Tazer: This is quite refreshing, Marian.

Marian: I think you will find it even more so the deeper you get into your glass.

[Fast-forward fifteen minutes. Tazer and Kaner are in a barely coherent stupor. Marian and Rinky are seemingly unaffected by the drink.]

Marian: Perhaps I should have used a weaker liquor. Although I have never known Patrick to be incapable of holding his alcohol. [Pauses then looks at Rinky] Yet for such a slight boy of no older than twelve you are the model of sobriety.

Rinky: It would take something stronger than absinthe to affect me, sir.

Marian: [With iron in his voice] I see.

Kaner: Hello, Mr. Hefner, I'm your biggest fan. It's a buffet of poon here today, sir.

Marian: The absinthe can reveal our greatest hopes, dreams and fears.

Rinky: Master Kane frequently speaks of his desire to visit the Playboy Mansion. It sounds like he's there right now.

Kaner: Oh, it's Miss April. How are you ma'am? I am about to take a trip to the moon, do you want to join me? Yes? Awesome. We're gonna have to take my go-kart, okay?

Marian: I wonder what he is seeing right now?

Rinky: Oh, I have a pretty good idea.

 

Kaner: Why you gotta bust my balls like that, Toad? I got a lady here! We're on our way to the moon to hump! Oh, there's that cunt, Peach. Peach! Peach! Where the fuck is my bong? You fucking stole my bong the last time I was at your place. What do you mean, "what bong?" I'm pretty sure I only have one alien head bong and you stole it, you dirty whore!

Rinky: It is just as I suspected. He is riding a go-kart to the moon via the Rainbow Road. Apparently Miss April 2010 is riding shotgun and he trying to resolve various disputes and perceived slights on the way.

Kaner: I knew it! The moon is made of green cheese! It is delicious, too. And smelly. Miss April? Miss April? Where did you go? Oh, there you are. You turned into a camel! No, I won't fuck you! Why not? You turned into a camel for fuck's sake! Who do you think I am, Crosby?

[Kaner starts to quiet down as Tazer starts speaking]

Tazer: Your Holiness, I am not worthy of this honor. You are too kind, your eminence but I am sure this is some kind of mistake. I am sure there are thousands of other people more deserving of this honor than I.

Marian: Can you decipher this as well?

Rinky: Well obviously he is in the presence of some important religious figure, the Pope perhaps?

Tazer: Your honor, I merely healed some sick people by touching them, that is all. I don't think you could actually consider those miracles, could you? Oh, you're infallible. I see. Well, if you insist on naming me the first actual living saint in the history of the Catholic Church, I guess I have no choice but to accept. Thank you very much sir. I am humbled. Ha! Look at my head, it's glowing!

Marian: [Stands up decisively, then in a thundering voice] Enough of this silliness! [Then much more quiet and menacing] You are more than you appear, boy.

Rinky: Perhaps. You are not what you appear to be either, Baron.

Marain: If you know what I am, then you know what I need. Kane and Toews were not invited here by chance.

Rinky: Yes, I know what you need.

Marian: Young blood. And I will have yours to start with.

Rinky: Just so.

Marian: You are even younger than both of them, so I shall quench my thirst by opening your supple neck first. I could never have dreamed that they would bring an innocent lamb such as yourself to my slaughter. [With a penetrating, hypnotic gaze] Come to me now young sir, so that I may sate myself on the blood of your youth.

Rinky: [Unaffected by the gaze] You think this is my first rodeo, my lord? I've seen this movie before.

[Moving with the quickness and agility of a small brown cat, Rinkesh rolls off his chair and sprints from the library. Marian unleashes a hiss of fury, then in a puff of smoke, transforms himself into a huge black bat. He flies fly down the dark corridors after the boy.]

[Back in the brightly lit Entry Hall, Rinkesh is kneeling on the floor near their luggage, working at the straps and zippers. As he is reaching into a pack, the great black bat appears and transforms back into Marian.]

Marian: My teeth are aching with desire, young slave. I long to drink your life force. So vital, so innocent.

Rinky: Not tonight, my lord. [Rinky pulls a crucifix from a pack and holds it out in front of him.]

[Marian, hovering a few inches off the ground, hisses again and grunts with pain. Nevertheless, he begins gliding forward very slowly and very deliberately despite the presence of the holy artifact.]

[Meanwhile in the library, Kaner is starting to come around]

Kaner: [Groggily shaking his head] Fucker roofied us! I knew that cock-sucker was up to no good. Fucker said he never saw "Benson"! That's big Hoss' favorite fucking show.

[Kaner goes over and shakes Tazer awake]

Kaner: [Shouting] Wake up, fairy! That ain't Hoss, that is some evil twin or some shit and he took fuckin' Rinkles!

Tazer: [Coming to and putting together the pieces from what Kaner said] I see. This is dire. Rinkesh is in great peril. We must hurry!

[Tazer and Kaner sprint from the library back down the way they originally came.]

[Back in the Entry Hall]

Rinky: You are of the oldest lines, I see. This may call for some heavier lifting than I had originally anticipated.

Marian: I yearn to split your jugular and feel your pulse die between my teeth. So young, so fresh.

Rinky: [To himself] Damn the undead scoundrel! His blood-lust is unstoppable. He has been laying in wait here since the season ended! Still, something doesn't feel right...

[Rinky quickly reaches into his pack again and this time pulls out what appears to be a dagger forged from pure silver. With a quick flick of the wrist, he sends it spinning, end over end, toward the master vampire. The dagger sinks into Marian's upper leg. With a howl of agony and fury, Marian rips the knife from his leg and continues closing in on the boy with an air of impending doom.]

Marian: I will not be denied your blood, young sir. After I have eaten your heart and slaked my thirst, you will be transformed. You will be my eternal slave and together we make a feast out of your former masters.

Tazer: [From behind Rinky and Marian] Doubtful, Marian, doubtful. The boy is ours, and you are obviously ill.

Kaner: Eat a dick, Hoss.

Rinky: Sirs! Sirs! To the Grail!

Marian: [With incandescent hatred and eternal hunger burning in his unholy eyes] I will dine on the marrow and souls of not one, but three children this night!

[Tazer and Kaner sprint past Marian. Next to Rinky, amongst their luggage, they heave out a trunk larger than the rest. Working in perfect unison they unlock all of the bolts and latches with unbelievable rapidity.]

Marian: [Now glowing with a pitch black nimbus about him and just a few feet away] What is this foolishness?!?

Rinky: You know very well, my lord. You know all too well. Now, sirs!

[With one fluid movement Tazer and Kaner hoist out Lord Stanley's Cup. As bright as the noonday sun, the perfect, unwavering silver light of a thousand champions bursts forth from the Chalice directly into the face of the immortal, undead lord.]

Tazer and Kaner: [In unison] WE ABJURE THEE!

[With that, the undead Baron's body expands slightly before contracting upon itself and imploding into a pile black ash that falls to the floor in a heap.]

Rinky: You recovered from that foul drink, just in time my lords.

Kaner: Lord Stizlle in the motherfuckin' hizzle!

Tazer: Yes, our timing was quite fortuitous.

Kaner: Fucker roofied us!

Rinky: You recovered quicker than I expected, Master Kane. You truly do have an iron constitution.

Kaner: Fuckin' A, Crinkle Cut. What are we supposed to do with this pile of shit? [Gestures towards the pile of ashes]

Tazer: The Marian we know, our friend, can still be restored if we act quickly. Rinkesh, a broom, as quick as you can.

[Rinky runs out of the room and returns a minute later with a regular kitchen broom.]

Rinky: I could not find a dustpan, sir.

Tazer: It is of no consequence. Tear apart the box and brush it onto the cardboard. [Points at Kaner's box of Fiddle Faddle.]

Kaner: Son of a bitch!

[Rinky sweeps the pile of ash onto the Fiddle Faddle cardboard]

Tazer: Now dump it into the cup.

[Rinky does that]

Tazer: [Picks up the silver knife Rinky had thrown earlier and wipes it off] We must provide some of ourselves to make this happen. [Pulls the blade across his palm, hands it to the other two, who do the same.]

Tazer: Let your blood fall into the ashes.

[As their blood pours into the bowl, a pale, pulsing light starts glowing from the heart of the ashes.]

Tazer: I call upon you, great champions of the past, to recover the lost soul of our brother, Marian.

[The ashes glow brigher until they are too bright to be looked at. Tazer, Kaner and Rinky are forced to look away. After the light subsides, they turn back and see the naked body of their friend, Marian, lying on the floor next to the Cup.]

Tazer: He is returned to us.

Marian: [Moaning and groaning] Where....where am I?

Tazer: All is well, my friend. You were lost but we have found you now. Come back to the world of the living.

Marian: [Sitting up] What happened?

Rinky: An ancient evil invaded your body. You became his host, if you will.

Marian: A Dracul?

Rinky: You know of the Dracul?

Marian: I grew up here, of course I know about them. The last thing I remember was walking my dog after dark...it must have been weeks ago...when I saw this giant black bat flying right at me.

Rinky: It happens all too frequently in this part of the world. Just be thankful we arrived when we did, with the Stanley Cup at our immediate disposal, no less. Your soul would have been lost forever, otherwise.

Marian: I must find my family and my fiancee. They must think I am dead.

Tazer: Yes, let us get out of here as quickly as possible.

Kaner: You owe me one box of Fiddle Faddle, Hoss, plus I want to stop at a 7-11 for a blue slurpee on the way back to town. You're gonna owe me for a long time on this, Boss Hogg.

Marian: Fine, we'll stop for slurpees.

Kaner: Damn right we will. I knew you weren't you right away. First of all, you said you never saw Benson. The Hoss I know loves Robert fuckin' Guiillaume like no one else I ever met. Second, who likes "Too Close For Comfort" over "Knight Rider"? That Baron fucker was some kinda spooky homo.

Marian: I do love me some "Benson".

Tazer: [To Rinky] One question for you, my friend, before we leave. How did you know to pack a crucifix and a silver dagger?

Rinky: Simple, sir. I knew we were heading for rural Slovakia. There was always a high probability of coming in touch with an undead. Simple deductive reasoning sir.

Tazer: Dearest, Rinkesh, always prepared.

 

Here's something to ponder during the interminable off-season. 

Would you ever consider buying and wearing a jersey of another team?  If so, what player would you have on the jersey?

Personally, I am fine with fans wearing/collecting jerseys of other teams...with exceptions.  No Hawks fan would ever wear a Detroit or St. Louis sweater just like no Islanders fan would ever wear a Rangers or Devils sweater.  Also, while I would wear these, I would never wear them to a Hawks game.

When I think about the possibilities, the considerations must come in this order: 1) What jersey? then 2)  What player?

Please don't nit-pick. I know some consider it a faux pas to put an old-time player's name on the newer style Reebok jerseys.  If you want to fight about that, please write your own fan post.

Here's my list (it's a top four b/c these are the ones that I think i would actually spend money on):

1. Montreal (Home)

I know a lot of hockey fans hate the Canadiens the way baseball fans hate the Yankees but I don't ever seem to remember feeling that way.  I have always loved this jersey.  Simple, classic, bold.  For the player, I would probably go with Ken Dryden.

2. Buffalo (Alternate)

I love this jersey although the ones I really love are the old-school ones with the all-gold striping on the sleeves and on the bottom.  So is it a pride thing that keeps this franchise from going back to these full-time?  Are they too proud to admit that the buffaslug is universally loathed?  Suck it up, guys.  You have a winner on your hands here.  Player: Dominic Hasek.

3. Minnesota (Alternate)

It pains me to put this here.  It would be higher, maybe even number one if not for the fact that it's Minnesota.  The name "Wild" is beyond dumb but this jersey is fucking sweet.  You cannot deny the understated awesomeness of this thing.  It is so painfully cool that I don't like to look at it for more than a few seconds at a time.  Again, why is this not the full-time jersey?  You know it will be eventually and in twenty years people are going to look back at what they are wearing now and laugh.  Player I would get: Havlat.

4. Quebec Nordiques (Away)

This thing reeks of the 70's and the Rebel Alliance.  That logo is so simply retro that it's cool again.  I always wondered though: did they jack that logo from North Face?  A quick look at wikipedia tells me that North Face was founded in 1966 although I don't know when they started using their present logo.  Maybe it was the other way around and North Face jacked the Nordiques logo? (the franchise started in 1972).  I would like to think so.  The provincial homerism (the Quebecois separatist movement was never stronger than in the 70's) vis a vis (see what I did there?) the fleurs de lis along the bottom and on the shoulders might as well have been a series of middle fingers to the Canadian English pigs.  Player: Joe Sackic or Guy La Fleur.

Non-NHL Bonus Jersey: Team Canada No. 16 Toews.

I have a very specific reason for liking and wanting this jersey.  I live in Seattle so when I go up to Vancouver and rock the red Hawks Toews jersey it's always an adventure.  Those fans are pretty nasty, especially trying to leave the arena after a Canucks loss.  With this jersey I feel like I would be camouflaged in a way.  On one hand I would be repping the Hawks and Tazer.  On the other hand it's a Team Canada jersey so the Canucks fans might feel some hesitation or uncertainty about jeering someone wearing the jersey of a beloved player on their gold medal-winning team.  I think that's a win-win for me.  Plus, it's hard to see on this picture but the detailing of the embroidery on the inside of the leaf is fantastic.  It's all First Nation (Canadian for native American/Indian) imagery.

What would you get?

UPDATE: I was reminded in the comments about the Whalers.  Fuck me.  That should have been on the list.  Player: Quenneville, obviously.

"Now Hartford? The Whale? Hey, they only beat Vancouver once maybe twice in a lifetime."

For Episodes 1-6 Go here: http://www.themilesdavisexploration.com/

Note: Text-only version here b/c it's a pain in the ass to insert pictures w/ this software and there are a lot of them in this post.  If you want to see the full monty, including the hot ESPY's red carpet trash, go to the blog.

[Interior, Limousine. Tazer, Kaner and Rinky are in route to the 2010 ESPY Awards. They are moments away from arrival.]

Kaner: [Finishes furiously scribbling on a napkin then hands it to Rinky] Okay Gandhi, that's the list. Read it back to me.

Rinky: Is this written in English?

Kaner: [Agitated] Fuck you, swizzle dick, read it back.

Rinky: Fine. January Jones-

Tazer: I told you she has a boyfriend.

Kaner: [More agitated] Fuck you too, Mr. Belvedere. Keep reading.

Rinky: Jenny Finch-

Tazer: Married.

Kaner: SHUT UP ASSHOLE!

Rinky: Danica Patrick-

Tazer: Married.

Kaner: [Vein in his forehead is throbbing with rage, face is red] If you don't shut the fuck up right now, I am going to stab you in the neck with my cock.

Tazer: Fine.

Kaner: [To Rinky] Read.

Rinky: Erin Andrews, Jenn Brown.

[Kaner glares at Tazer, daring him to say anything.]

Rinky: Lindsay Vonn.

Tazer: [In a soft sing-song voice] Maaaarrr-ieeeeeeed.

Kaner: MOTHER FUCKER! [Starts taking his belt off and pulling his pants down] I'm gonna cock-stab you in the neck, asshole!

Rinky: Marissa Miller, Brooklyn Decker, Hannah Storm. Wait a minute. Hannah Storm?

Tazer: [Warding off an enraged Kane] Married, married, married.

 

Kaner: [Primal scream, attacking Tazer] AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tazer: Get off of me you impudent cur.

[Tazer and a pants-less Kaner wrestle briefly until Tazer gets him in a full-nelson]

Tazer: Will you please calm down, Patrick? There will be plenty of single women at the event.

Kaner: [Struggling to escape, red in the face, panting heavily] Like who?

Tazer: Well, you already mentioned Ms. Andrews-

Kaner: [Cutting off Tazer, breathlessly] I beat off to those peep-hole videos of her every night.

Tazer: I am sure you do. How about Julia Mancuso, the skier. I understand she is eligible.

Kaner: Yeah. I'd give her a whitewash to remember.

Tazer: You are all class, Patrick. Moving on then, I believe Michelle Beadle will also be present and she is single although I do not know how she would feel about dating a mulleted, barely-of-age, underweight hockey player.

Kaner: [Sullenly] I put on ten pounds last year. [Brightening] I'd dress Beadle up like a libary lady and spank her ass with a dictionary.

Tazer: You mean a library? And a librarian? How do you know what a librarian is, Patrick? Or a dictionary for that matter?

Rinky: Excuse me Master Toews but while I was researching a new carbon-aluminum alloy that I am working on for a new type of skate, I was forced to bring Master Kane with me to the library. You know I can't leave him at home alone.

Tazer: [Chuckling to himself with Kaner still in the full-nelson] Heavens, no. The last time I did that he ended up singing show tunes to me, drunk.

Kaner: [Soflty] Poor Satine.

Rinky: I had to leave him in the children's section. I can only assume that is where he learned what a librarian and dictionary are.

Kaner: They keep the words in the dictionary.

Tazer: That is right Patrick, the do keep the words in the dictionary. Have you calmed down now?

Kaner: Yes.

Tazer: Okay, good. [Lets him out of the hold] Clean yourself up, we are almost there.

[While Kaner is pulling his pants back on and tucking in his shirt he looks over at Tazer]

Tazer: What is it, Patrick?

Kaner: [Buckling his belt] After the libary lady read me "The Cat in the Hat", I fucked her in her office.

Rinky: [To Kaner, shocked] Sir! [Then addressing Tazer] She was no less than sixty years old!

Kaner: [Leering at Tazer] Old lady snatch smells like my hockey bag.

Tazer: Dear Lord, help us tonight. It looks as though we have arrived, gentlemen.

Kaner: [To Rinky] Remember the plan, boy. Work that list.

Rinky: Yes, sir.

[The limo pulls up to the red carpet and they all get out.]

[Tazer and Kaner start walking down the red carpet while Rinky runs ahead of them. Tazer and Kaner see a familiar figure approaching them.]

Tazer: Sidney

Crosby: Jonathan

Kaner: How's it hangin', knob-gobbler?

Crosby: [Rolling his eyes] Hello, Patrick.

Kaner: Still banging sheep, Cros?

Crosby: I told you before, I have not had sexual relations with animals.

Kaner: That's not what I heard! I guess those pictures I saw online of a dog licking peanut butter off your balls was a Photoshop or something.

Tazer: Forgive him, Sidney. He has the emotional maturity of an eleven year-old.

Crosby: [Politely] I understand. [Then more pointedly] Tell me, Jonathan, how has your summer been? [Stares at him hard]

Tazer: Oh it has been incredibly busy. As you know, I was voted the best forward at the Olympics-

Crosby: [Interrupting, addressing Kaner] I scored the game-winner in overtime to win the gold medal.

Kaner: Yeah, I was there, cum-chugger.

Tazer: That is true, Sidney, but I was the leading point-getter at the tournament and I was plus nine to your rather pathetic plus two.

Kaner: [Excitedly] Why don't you homos cut to the chase and whip out your cocks to see whose is longer? Loser blows the other guy.

Crosby and Tazer: [Simultaneously while looking at Kaner] Shut up, silver medal.

Tazer: [Continuing] Anyway, since the Olympics it has just been a roller-coaster ride. I won the Conn Smythe and oh, by the way, I do not think I saw your name on the Conn Smythe trophy, Sidney. It was Malkin last year, was it not?

Crosby: [Through gritted teeth] Yes.

Tazer: [Continuing] Then there was the Cup, the parade in Chicago, the parade in Winnipeg, then they gave me the key to the city, they named a lake after me up in Manitoba somewhere then they-

Beautiful Blonde: [Comes running up to the group shrieking] JONATHAN!!!

Tazer: [Catches the blonde as she stumbles into the group] Oh, hello Erin. So good to see you again.

Erin Andrews: [Breathlessly hanging onto/groping Tazer] How have you been?

Tazer: Oh, well, I was just telling Sidney here how busy this summer has been. Have you met before? Sidney, Erin. Erin, Sidney.

Crosby: [Blushing] It's a pleasure, Miss Andrews. I admire your work.

Kaner: Erin, Sidney is gay so you can quit sizing him up.

Crosby: [Under his breath to himself] I'm not gay! Daddy, I mean Mario, says I am just confused.

Tazer: Erin, this is my teammate, Patrick Kane. Patrick this is Erin Andrews, she works for ESPN.

Kaner: I know who she is fuck-stick. Hey Erin, your body is even more bangin' in person than on Dancing With the Stars.

Erin Andrews: Eww, gross.

Tazer: Sidney, would you mind escorting Miss Andrews inside.

Crosby: Yeah, no problem.

Erin Andrews: Oh, can't you join us, Jonathan?

Tazer: I am sorry, Erin, I have some media obligations before we get to our seats.

Erin Andrews: [Over her shoulder as Crosby is leading her away] Oh, okay! Bye Jonathan! Call me!

[Crosby and Andrews walk away into the crowd]

Kaner: Damn it!

Tazer: Perhaps a touch of subtlety might help in your wooing.

Kaner: Eat a dick, JT.

[Rinky comes running down the carpet to meet them]

Kaner: Well?

Rinky: Ms. Jones did not know who you are. Ms. Finch, Ms. Patrick, Ms. Vonn, Ms. Miller, Ms. Decker and Ms. Storm all politely declined your offer to have threesomes with them and their husbands.

Kaner: Fuck!

Rinky: Ms. Brown laughed and said she had seen the photos of you in Vancouver with your shirt off. She said to tell you "Good luck" though.

Kaner: Cunt.

Rinky: Ms. Beadle is working the event for television and I was not able to approach her. I did not see Ms. Mancuso.

Kaner: Okay, good. Here what we're gonna do Rinkles, Operation: Whitewash. I need you to find Mancuso and tell her that one of her fellow Olympians from Team USA wants to meet her but he is too shy to introduce himelf. Don't say my name. Just ask her if we can meet inside in a few minutes.

Rinky: Will do, sir.

Kaner: [To Tazer] Let's go.

[Tazer and Kaner start walking the rest of the way up the red carpet when they are stopped again by another beautiful woman shrieking.]

Emmanuelle Chriqui: JONATHAN!!!

Tazer: [Catches her as she stumbles into him.] Wow! Hello, Emmanuelle. Are you okay?

Emannuelle: [Breathlessly holding onto/groping Tazer] Oh, yes, I am fine, I just tripped on a bump in the carpet.

Kaner: [Eyeing her up and down salaciously] Dammmmmmn girl, you are fine!

Tazer: Emmanuelle, this is Patrick Kane, my teammate.

Emmanuelle: Nice to meet you, Patrick.

Kaner: You play that slut Sloane on Entourage, don't you?

Emmanuelle: Umm, yeah. But that's just my character.

Kaner: I remember...you were in FHM too. I jacked off to you in that. Thanks.

Emmanuelle: Gross!

[Another familiar figure approaches]

Ovie: Da! It is myself!

Kaner: [Muttering to himself] Oh, for fuck's sake.

[First Tazer and Ovie, then Kaner and Ovie execute bro-hugs]

Tazer: How have you been, Alexander?

Ovie: I am goodness! I take many whores in Los Angeles!

Tazer: That is great, Alexander.

Ovie: I am seeing Crosby the great homo-sexual goat-lover minutes ago in corner of bathroom putting...what is word...[Makes a squeaking sound and puts his hands in front of himself like small paws]...

Tazer: A gerbil?

Ovie: Da! Putting gerbil in back of pants.

Kaner: I knew it! That sicko does fuck animals!

Ovie: Da! Crosby has been knowing of horses during this summer!

Kaner: [In awe] He fucks horses too?

Ovie: Nyet.

Kaner: [Pauses, then in a whisper] The horses fuck him?

Ovie: Pravda!

Tazer: Alexander, this is Emmanuelle. Emmanuelle, Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Captials.

Ovie: Da! I am knowing of this one.

Emmanuelle: It's nice to meet you, Alex.

Ovie: We will be eating of the caviar and drinking of the champagne this night!

Emmanuelle: That sounds like fun.

Ovie: Da! It is goodness. I show you time of celebration on this night!

[Ovie offers his arm, Emmanuelle looks at Jonathan expectantly]

Tazer: [Adressing Emmanuelle] I will not be able to join you this evening, I am afraid. Another time, perhaps.

[Emmanuelle accepts Ovie's arm. As they walk into the crowd, Emmanuelle looks over her shoulder and mouths "Call me" to him.]

Kaner: Motherfucker!

Tazer: As I mentioned earlier, Patrick, perhaps you might display more tact in these types of conversations.

Kaner: Why don't you go help Crosby with his gerbil? I bet he could use an expert's advice.

Tazer: Your ego is bruised, my friend. Let us go inside and have a cocktail.

Kaner: Fine.

[Interior, Kodak Theatre lobby. Rinky is waiting for Tazer and Kaner at the bar with Julia as they enter and approach.]

Tazer: [Addressing Kaner in a whisper as they walk up] Remember, Patrick, be polite and tactful.

Rinky: Ms. Mancuso, may I introduce Mr. Patrick Kane of Team USA Hockey and the Chicago Blackhawks and Jonathan Toews of Team Canada Hockey and also of the Chicago Blackhawks?

Julia: It's nice to met you guys. How are you?

Kaner: Um, we are good. Your dress is lovely.

Julia: Thank you, Patrick. You look quite handsome as well.

Kaner: Um, thank you. I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.

[Awkward pause]

Tazer: Julia, did you know that both you and Patrick won silver medals at the Olympics?

Julia: Really? That's cool. I hadn't realized that. Where do you keep your medal, Patrick? I am always so worried about keeping it in my house.

Kaner: Oh, um, I keep it in my bedroom. Sometimes when Tazer and me get drunk we put 'em on and sing karaoke.

Julia: Oh yeah? You guys into Karaoke?

Kaner: Hell yeah!

Julia: What do you guys sing?

Kaner: Oh, everything. Buffett, Scorpions, Billy Squier.

Tazer: I prefer soft rock. The Carpenters, The Captain and Tenille, Hall and Oates. That kind of thing.

Julia: That's pretty diverse.

Kaner: [Awkwardly] Yeah well, you know, we're diverse.

[Lights in the lobby dim, indicating the audience is to take their seats for the show]

Julia: It looks like it is time to get going, guys. It was really nice to meet both of you.

Kaner: You gave me a boner while we were talking. Can you blow me in the bathroom?

Julia: Dude, that's sick. [Walks into the theater]

Kaner: [Shrugs his shoulders, talks to himself] I'm gonna get wasted.

Tazer: It was inevitable, I suppose.

Kaner: She didn't wanna blow me.

Tazer: Why would she? I'll see you after the show.

Kaner: Fine. [Addressing the hot female bartender] I'll take that bottle of jack, sweetheart.

[She gives him the bottle]

Kaner: And I'll give you a hundred bucks for a BJ right now.

 

Rinky: Sir, may I suggest that you are on tilt with the ladies right now?

Kaner: Fuckin' right as usual, Rinks. Only one thing to do in that case. Take me to the place where they keep the old poon.

Rinky: The library, sir?

Kaner: Yeah, the fuckin' libary.

 

[Interior, Patrick Kane's boyhood home in Buffalo, New York. Seated around the kitchen table eating breakfast are Tazer, Patrick's mother Donna, Patrick's sister/Tazer's girlfriend Erica and Rinkesh AKA Rinky, Tazer and Kaner's man-servant. Erica is flipping through the sections of the Buffalo News. When she gets to the Sports section she stops and pulls it out.]

Erica: Patrick!

Mrs. Kane: What did he do, Erica?

Erica: Oh, mother!

[Erica shoves the paper into Tazer's hands and covers her face with her hands. He looks at the picture on the front page of the Sports section where it shows an obviously intoxicated, obviously delighted Kaner, grinning with his tongue hanging out, stuffing bills into the G-string of an exotic dancer on stage in front of him. The dancer is shown in profile leaning forward, with her ass in Kaner's face. The dancer is bracing herself by holding onto the rim of the Stanley Cup in front of her.]

Tazer: Perhaps you would rather not see this image, Mrs. Kane.

Mrs. Kane: Alright Jonathan, just read me the story then.

Tazer: Okay, Mrs. Kane. [Clears his throat] The headline is: "Patrick Kane Shows the Cup the Underside of Buffalo" by Christina Lee.

Mrs. Kane: Go on, Jonathan.

Tazer: "Patrick Kane of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks was back home in Buffalo yesterday to spend the day with the Stanley Cup. The Buffalo native was was spotted at various locations throughout the metropolitan area on Tuesday, culminating with a boozy visit to the popular Sugar Shack Gentleman's Club early Wednesday morning.

Earlier in the day, Kane and a few childhood friends ate lunch at a Subway sandwich restaurant in Tonawanda which the owners have renamed "Patrick Kane's Subway" in a promotional arrangement. Mr. Patel, the owner of the Tonawanda Subway franchise said that "Mr. Kane is a frequent customer to my Subway restaurant and with this name change Mrs. Patel and I feel that we will be able to generate a significant increase in revenue." In exchange for lending his name to the sandwich shop, Mr. Kane will reportedly receive free sandwiches for the next five years, the length of the sponsorship agreement.

While at the restaurant, Mr. Kane and his friends were heard to be singing the familiar and catchy Subway jingle "Five Dollar Foot Longs". Mr. Kane and his friends made no effort to hide the fact that they drank what this reporter estimated to be a case of Bud Light Lime while eating their lunches. The Tonawanda Subway franchise has no licence to serve alcoholic beverages. Mr. Kane offered this reporter a beer on more than one occasion during the course of the day, all of which were politely declined.

The next stop on the tour was at Chuck's Gun and Pawn Emporium, across the parking lot from the Subway in the same Tonawanda strip mall. Here Mr. Kane attempted to negotiate a price with the proprietor of the business, Chuck Klein, for the Stanley Cup.

"I've had Super Bowl rings, World Series rings, Babe Ruth-signed baseballs, you name it. But I'll be damned if that kid didn't try to pawn the Stanley Cup in my store today." Klein said. When asked what price Mr. Kane was asking for the one-of-a-kind trophy, Mr. Klein indicated that Mr. Kane showed an interest in trading the Cup straight up for an assortment of firearms. "He was looking at the AK's, the Desert Eagle fifty cal, a rare Civil War rifle, some World War II-era hand grenades and a flame-thrower." Mr. Kane was overheard remarking to his companions "I'm gonna take this grenade and shove it up Crosby's [expletive] the next time I see him." This reporter assumes Mr. Kane was making reference to Sidney Crosby, the all-star forward of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Just prior to the consummation of this unprecedented sale, Mike Bolt, a representative of the Hockey Hall of Fame stepped in to stop the proceedings. Mr. Bolt is assigned to watch over the Stanley Cup as it travels around the world during the course of the summer while each member of the Cup-winning team has his day with it.

"I thought I saw everything before today" Mr. Bolt said. "I've seen the Cup at the bottom of countless swimming pools, I've seen it vomited upon in Anaheim, defecated upon in Detroit and ejaculated upon in Pittsburgh but before today I have never seen someone try to sell it. I have to say, Patrick almost got away with it too. He and his friends were giving me a tour of the Subway back there across the parking lot when they locked me in the walk-in freezer and ran over here with the Cup."

After Mr. Bolt ended the pending transaction, Mr. Kane drew a verbal comparison between Mr. Bolt and a commonly used feminine hygiene product.

Travelling in a stretched yellow Hummer limousine (driven by Mr. Kane's twelve year-old Indian man-servant) from the Tonawanda strip mall, the Kane entourage made its' way to Buffalo City Hall. Unfortunately the planned event with Mayor Brown had to be canceled due to a last minute budget meeting. Instead, Mr. Kane and his party were met by City Treasurer Betty Corsi-Ferarro, an avowed Buffalo Sabres fan. In lieu of presenting Mr. Kane with a key to the city as originally planned, Ms. Corsi-Ferarro gave everyone in the party stainless steel souvenir key chains embossed with the seal of the city of Buffalo.

Following the presentation of the key chains, Mr. Kane demanded to be quoted. "That [Gosh]-damned rug-munching bull-[derogatory synonym for a lesbian]. She thinks just because she's a [expletive]-ing Sabres fan that she can pull this bull-[excrement] on me? The Sabres are never going to win the [expletive]-ing Cup! Never! I grew up a [expletive]-ing Sabres fan so I should [expletive]-ing know! [Expletive] her! I hope she catches herpes in the mouth and dies."

From City Hall the group proceeded to the aforementioned Sugar Shack where the group of young men were greeted by chants of "Twenty Cent!" (an allusion to Mr. Kane's run-in with the law in Buffalo last summer) by the patrons. The celebration continued long into the night, high-lighted by lap-dances too numerous to mention, an endless stream of Cristal Champagne and marathon karaoke sessions in a private room. Mr. Kane and his under-aged man-servant performed a passable version of Billy Squier's ' 1981 classic "The Stroke".

Suffice it to say, this reporter came away from Mr. Kane's day with the Cup humbled at his ability to party, shocked at his audacity, appalled at his debauchery, insulted by his bigotry towards minorities, disgusted by his chauvinistic treatment of women, horrified by his vulgarity and surprisingly charmed by his habit of bestowing of nicknames (I was labeled "Chinese Beaver", "Asian Tang" and "Poon-Pow Kitty")."

Rinky: That is a fair assessment of yesterday's activities.

Tazer: Rinkesh, were you not able to put the brakes on any of this?

Rinky: As you know very well, Mr. Toews, I am but a minor house-hold servant. I cannot tell Mr. Kane what to do.

Tazer: Of course you are correct, Rinky.

[At that moment Kaner comes down stairs wearing sunglasses, in his bathrobe, clearly hung-over.]

Tazer: Good morning, Patrick.

Kaner: I feel like horse shit.

Mrs. Kane: Language, Patrick.

Kaner: Sorry, mom.

Erica: We just read the paper and saw everything you did yesterday! Patrick, how could you?!?

Kaner: What'd I do?

[Erica throws the sports section at him. Kaner looks at the front page picture over the top of his sunglasses.]

Kaner: Cinnamon. What an ass. [Contemplating the previous night] I didn't think that Chinese cooze would report all that after I banged her.

[Tazer looks down and shakes his head]

Kaner: Don't shake your head at me, limp-dick! I got up on her in the Limo after the Shack. She was all over me. Tell 'em Rinky.

Rinky: Oh, yes. I remember her shouting "Break me off a piece of that sugar cane, daddy."

Kaner: Hey Rinky, did you know that Chinese snatch tastes like sweet and sour pork? Who knew?

Mrs. Kane: Is that how you really wanted to spend your day with the Cup, Patrick?

Kaner: Hey, mom, I got free subs for the next five years, okay? What do you got? Don't judge me!

Mrs. Kane: I just thought maybe you wanted to do something more...productive with your day. Like Jonathan did.

Kaner: Why, what did Captain Butt-Plug do with it?

Mrs. Kane: Why, Mrs. Toews just called me yesterday and told me everything. I was quite impressed.

Tazer: You don't need to do this Mrs. Kane.

Mrs. Kane: [Considering] No, I think Patrick needs to grow up and hear what how an adult is supposed to act. So listen up Patrick. Jonathan took the Cup on a parade through Winnipeg where several thousand people cheered him, met the Mayor of the city and the Premier of the province, received a key to the city, had a lake named after him, had a community center named after him and raised one hundred thousand dollars for disadvantaged children. Jonathan, I also heard a rumor that you can also cure blindness and leprosy by the laying-on of hands, that everything you touch turns to gold and you have the power of telekinesis. Are those things true?

Tazer: No, Mrs. Kane. I can only relieve minor aches and pains. Arthritis, the flu, that kind of thing. It is true that a couple of my hockey sticks have turned into solid gold over the last couple of years but I am not quite sure how that happened. Rinky is looking into it. I don't have telekinesis, per se, but I have noticed if I concentrate really hard, especially when I am battling along the boards for the puck, that I can make it jump over a guy's stick. You can tell by the funny faces I make, that's when the puck is really jumping.

Erica: Wow.

Kaner: I thought you made those faces because you accidentally turned on your anal-stimulation device. I can't believe I have to listen to this shit in my own house! I'll never be good enough!

Tazer: Patrick, I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel right now. Let me make it up to you. Let me take you out to the dog track today.

Kaner: [Looks up sharply] You're just teasing me.

Tazer: No, I am not. Let me do this for you. We'll go out to the dog races and bet heavily on long-shots all day, eat nachos, drink copious amounts of cheap domestic beer and hit on welfare-check moms.

Erica: Jonathan!

[Tazer Gives Erica a discreet closed-eye shake of the head, the universal symbol for don't worry, I will not be hitting on poor, single mothers at the dog track but your brother most definitely will.]

Kaner: I don't believe you. You never want to do anything fun.

Tazer: I'll take you to Tonawanda for free subs.
Kaner: [Lighting up like the sun] Shit yes! We're gonna bet the hounds! FIVE! FIVE DOLLAR! FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LONGS!

The Odd Couple, Episode 5: The Bonus Check

(Episodes 1-4 can be read HERE)

[Interior, Tazer and Kaner's Chicago apartment. Kaner is lying on a massage table which has been set up in the middle of the living room. There is an adolescent boy, perhaps 11 or 12 years old who looks to be of East Indian descent giving Kaner a rubdown. The boy is wearing a traditional white kurta. Jimmy Buffet is blasting on the sound system.]

Kaner and Indian boy: [Singing together while making the shape of a fin using one hand on the top of their heads] You got fins to your left! Fins to your right! And you're the only girl in town!

[Tazer enters the apartment. Puts his keys on the entry table and surveys the scene. Kaner and the Indian boy do not hear Tazer's entrance and continue the massage/singing.]

Kaner and Indian boy: [Singing together] She's savin' up all her money/Wants to head it south in May/Maybe roll in the sand with a rock and roll man/Somewhere down Montserrat way!

[Kaner and the Indian boy high-five]

[Tazer walks over to the iPod docking station and hits pause]

[Kaner pops up off the table and sees Tazer]

Kaner: What the fuck, dude!?! We're in the middle of "Fins" asshole!

Tazer: So I see. Tell me Patrick, is it just me or are you are receiving a massage from what appears to be a young boy?

Kaner: Get bent. [Addresses the Indian boy] You know where this asshole was for the last two weeks? Humping my sister at his parents' house in Winnipeg.

Tazer: Who is the child, Patrick?

Kaner: What child? You mean fuckin' Rinky?

Tazer: [Addressing the Indian boy] Is that your name, boy? Rinky?

Rinky: [In impeccable Oxford-accented English] In fact it's Rinkesh, Master Toews.

Tazer: Excuse me, Rinkesh. And Patrick has retained your services for...the afternoon?

Rinky: One might say that sir, yes.

[Kaner is standing at the refrigerator with a towel around his waist with a freshly opened beer in his hand]

Kaner: [Gestures toward Rinky with the beer bottle] I fuckin' bought him at a swap meet in Buffalo last week.

Tazer: [Aghast] I beg your pardon?

Kaner: I fuckin' bought him, dude!

Tazer: At a swap meet in Buffalo.

Kaner: Fuckin' A, dude!

[Tazer tries to process this while looking first at one, then the other, repeatedly]

Tazer: Patrick, slavery is illegal. You may not traffic in human souls! Nature cries out against this most vile construct of human society. It is an anachronism of our barbarous past!

Kaner: [Rolling his eyes] Fuck that shit, dude. I traded my Playboy pinball machine, two cases of Schlitz and a hundred thou, straight cash for him. Best thing I ever bought.

[Kaner walks back to the living room where he and Rinky complete a high-five down to a low-five while passing each other]

Tazer: He must be returned to his family at once!

Kaner: I bought him from some British fuck-face. Yo, Rinky, where is your family anyway?

Rinky: Indeed it was a fair price. If I may say so, Master Kane barters like a Mongolian horse-trader. As for my family sir, I must assume they are in India although I have never known them. I was raised in London and more recently, Buffalo.

[Tazer has a slightly panicked, wild look in his eyes]

Kaner: Chill the fuck out, dude. He's my man-servant. I bought the kid fair and square and that's that.

Rinky: I am not worthy of the goodness Master Kane shows me.

Kaner: [Shrugs his shoulders] I keep him fed and let him sleep on the pantry floor.

Tazer: He is not your master! You do not have a master! You are a free man. Your liberty is not for sale!

Kaner: Wrong again asshole. Rinky, you know I don't read good. Go get that shit and read it to Tazer. It's in the dining room on the table.

[Rinky runs out of the room]

Tazer: Oh, Patrick, what have you done?

Kaner: Bought a kid, shit-for-brains.

[Rinky returns from the dining room with some paperwork]

Rinky: [Looks at Kaner, Kaner nods] Receipt of sale. One boy, Indian extraction, about 12 years old, all teeth and hair present, disease-free, speaks Punjabi, English, French, Japanese, Chinese, Arabic, Urdu, Hebrew, Spanish, Russian, Swedish and Latin with equal fluency. Expert in all house-hold industries including but not limited to: Cooking, cleaning, butchery, mixology, brewing, wine-making, floral arranging, swordsmanship, sewing, knitting, orienteering, animal husbandry, massage therapy, acupuncture, swimming, diving, fishing, tea service, gardening, ballroom dancing, singing, poetry, origami, painting, sculpture, alchemy, the equine arts, falconry, jujitsu, boxing, calligraphy, Morse code, marksmanship, archery, knot-tying, skiing, sailing, astronomy, philosophy and ice-hockey.

Kaner: What-what! That little fucker can dangle like Gretzky!

Tazer: [Face hardening, eyes narrowing] I see this is a special child. Patrick, am I to assume that you spent part of your bonus check on the purchase, if I may use such a vulgar word, of this young man?

Kaner: Kaner got paid, son! Little brown-eye better be special for a hundred grand.

Tazer: I thought we agreed before you left to visit your family in Buffalo that you were going to invest your bonus check in low-yield Treasury-bills, payable in thirty years.

Kaner: Yeah , I heard that bullshit. You know what I did instead, jag-off? I got me a man-servant, I got me a Bentley, I got me a fuckin' falcon, I got me a god-damned sailboat.

Tazer: A falcon? Do tell, where is this bird of prey now residing?

Kaner: In your room, dip-shit. But me and Rinky are taking her out in a couple hours, ain't we?

Rinky: [Adressing Tazer] Oh, it is a fine day for falconry, sir.

Kaner: We got her all trained up, T. We'll take her down to Lincoln Park and let her buzz the joggers. It scares the shit out of 'em. I named her "Hawk".

[Tazer looks at Rinky with raised eyebrows and mouths the question "Hawk?" Rinky just nods.]

Rinky: [Has moved over to the wet-bar, addressing Tazer] Sir, would you care for a drink?

Kaner: Make him one of those mojitos, Rinky.

Tazer: No, thank you Patrick. I must call the Department of Child Protective Services immediately.

[Tazer gets out his cell phone and starts pressing buttons]

[Rinky steps out from behind the bar and hands Tazer the mojito. Tazer is concentrating on his phone and isn't paying attention when he accepts the drink. While still trying to search for the number on his phone, Tazer absent-mindedly takes a sip of the drink. Rinky winks at Kaner]

Tazer: [Looks at the drink in his hand] This is superb! [Takes another sip]

[Kaner and Rinky complete a complex five-step handshake that ends with tossing a snap over the right shoulder]

[Tazer pounds the rest of the mojito]

Kaner: I told you, numb-nuts. Best money I ever spent. Even better than those two hookers I picked up in Moscow at the World Juniors, and damn, those were pros.

Kaner: [Leaning over to whisper in Rinky's ear] Russian poon is tops, Rinky. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Rinky: [Whispering back at Kaner] I am familiar with the delicate charms of the ladies of Moscow, sir.

Kaner: [Loudly] Fuckin' Rinky, layin' pipe in the Kremlin!

Rinky: [Addressing Tazer] Would you care for another refreshment, sir?

Tazer: I really shouldn't.

Kaner: Do it, Rinky.

Rinky: At once, sir.

[Rinky mixes another mojito and hands it to Tazer who has now put his phone down]

Tazer: [Savoring the drink] Tell me, Rinky, I mean Rinkesh, where did you learn to make such an excellent cocktail?

Rinky: That would be at the London College of Mixology, sir.

Tazer: Well, you make a hell of a mojito kid.

Rinky: Thank you, sir.

[Tazer's starting to get loose now]

Rinky: [Addressing Tazer] May I take your jacket, sir?

[Rinky steps around Tazer to assist in the removal of his jacket. Tazer sits down on the couch to regard the young man. After hanging up the jacket, Rinky steps behind Tazer to start rubbing his shoulders and temples]

Tazer: That's delightful. Like the touch of an angel.

Kaner: Fuckin' nice, ain't it, JT? B-K is the dope shit.

Tazer: B-K?

Kaner: The British Knight AKA The Brown Kid AKA The Bombay Kaleidoscope AKA The Baby Kraken AKA The Baron of Kane County.

Rinky: Master Kane has a fondness for nicknames. Perhaps the gentlemen would care for a cigar?

Kaner: Fuckin' right we would. Light 'em up Rinkles and grab one for yourself too.

Rinky: Immediately, sir. You are too kind, sir.

[Fast Forward an hour. Everyone is buzzed, smoking stogies, chilling out.]

Rinky: Master Toews, may I make an observation?

Tazer: Go for it, Shrinky-Dink.

Kaner: Good one, bro.

Rinky: I believe Master Kane would be better served, financially speaking, to take a higher-risk stance in his portfolio. At his age and with his earning power perhaps a wide-spectrum approach to the emerging markets in China might better suit his risk tolerance?

Tazer: I see your point Rin-Tin-Tin but Kaner's risk-tolerance extends to investing in bottled Martian water.

Kaner: [Muttering to himself] Fuckin' Mars. Fuckin' drier than Granny Kane's twat.

Tazer: However, perhaps my suggestion of T-bills was a tad conservative for number eighty-eight over there.

[Tazer and Rinky look over at Kaner who has his hand down his shorts, vigorously scratching his junk.]

Tazer: Patrick.

Kaner: [Looks up from scratching himself] What?

Tazer: I'll buy a half-share in the kid. Fifty grand.

Kaner: [Shrugs] It's up to Gandhi over there. [Looks at Rinky]

Rinky: [With a glorious smile on his face] I live but to serve you fine gentlemen.

[Fast forward an hour. Everyone is shit-faced, including Rinky. They are playing Guitar Hero with Rinky on drums, Tazer on the axe, Kaner with lead vocals.]

Kaner: Hello, Chicagooooooooo! I wanna send this one out to all the Red Wings fans out there. Lick my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalls, Detroit! WE ARE FALCON HAWK!

[Kaner whistles loudly]

[Just then, Kaner's Falcon, "Hawk", flies out of Tazer's bedroom like a missile and perches atop the television, a majestic predator with her wings fully extended, she lets out a blood-curdling scream]

Kaner: FUCK YEAH! LET'S DO THIS SHIT!

Kaner: It's early morning/The sun comes out/Last night was shaking/And pretty loud/My cat is purring/And scratches my skin/So what is wrong/With another sin?/The bitch is hungry/She needs to tell/So give her inches/And feed her well/More days to come/New places to go/I've got to leave/It's time for a show...

Kaner, Tazer, Rinky: [All together]

HERE I AM!

ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRIKANE!

HERE I AM!

ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRIKANE!