SB Nation User Blog: blue with age

In the interest of heading off mass suicides, I thought it would be useful at this juncture to...

blue with age — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:08:00 -0000

In the interest of heading off mass suicides, I thought it would be useful at this juncture to provide a small diversion from the black cloud of impending doom that has invaded the B’sphere. Recently, An ad campaign for Labatt’s Blue was launched with billboards along the my local section of Trans-canada highway. One of them says "Blue- aussi bonne que le but d’Alain Côté" (As good as Alain Côté’s goal). A Youtube search provided this short clip. Its in french, but basically it describes a controversy around a famous playoff goal by the Nordiques against that other team down the highway that still haunts the local some 20 years after it happened. One of the protagonists will defer your attention, if just for a moment, from the turpeur that presently threatens the B’sphere’s mortal coil.

Grabbo gets schooled-a weeble annual

blue with age — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:22:18 -0000

Grabbo would like to thank all the blogging illuminati who inadvertently (or vertently) contributed to the creation of this annual. Because of the value of his recent contract, our hero is offering this annual free of charge to all who care.

For the uninitiated, Grabbo is a hockey player in a large North American city who wobbles but does not fall down. He works for the forces of all that is good in hockey to prevent a evil plot by left and right breast weebles to establish the pre-eminence of the BHL.

Our story resumes at Grabbo manor.

via i560.photobucket.com

Grabbo has just returned home after a morning of shilling for large Belarusian blimp manufacturer.

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He is relaxing by filling in a crossword puzzle to improve his English.

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His peaceful afternoon is interrupted by a communication from Poney's hand. The forces of evil have made a pact with Wanted weeble.

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Their joint venture has served to refinance the forces of evil with the help of a new product that is quite popular in certain locales.

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Their new tactic is to populate the hockey world with Grabbo replacements and put them in compromising situations.

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Though Grabbo is impressed by the hairstyles of certain doubles,

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he can't help but notice that they have --- Legs!!! Grabbo and Poney's hand concurr, the asses of evil now included the evil forces of Legotown with their exceptional drafting record, their love of all things octopus and their urban sensibilities.

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It seemed that their evil leader, LeggoFraser was back in business.

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Luckily, explained Poney's hand, he can be tracked by the corrective lens he affects,

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and the distinct smell of his hair tonic.

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Grabbo wonders what their next step will be. He explains to Poney's hand that any response by the forces of all that is good in the world will have to wait. Grabbo has received a memo from Burke weeble to report to his office.

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Grabbo is surprised by the playoff optimism of the memo and gets very excited about the upcoming season and all his new teammates. Especially all those scandinavian dudes who St-Niklas weeble has convinced to return to their rightful home,

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that crazy new back-up goalie, Hamburgler weeble, seen here hoarding puck as he is wont to,

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a certain Stepniak weeble,

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Destroyer-of-permanent-ability-to-make-the-simple-decision-to-continue-playing-or-not weeble,

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and especially all those crazy college kids. He fondly remembered them from his time on another team.

Oh, the hazing rituals,

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their solidarity,

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and their crazy drinking games.

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Ever cognizant of Poney's warnings, Grabbo decides to have someone from the team accompany him on his trip to meet with the boss. Grabbo chooses Mitchell weeble, seen here disguised as Stajan weeble.

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While mild mannered in appearance, piss him off and he becomes Cap'n fucking mayhem weeble

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who, in the absence of a real captain on his team, dares anyone to challenge his on-ice authority with a simple, yet effective response:

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Poney's hand liked the choice. He knew that Grabbo had a weakness for the russian girls,

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and was looking for some more loving lovin', along the lines of what another teammate was getting from the fan base.

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Though Grabbo suspected these ones were a little top heavy for his standards of equilibrium, he knew all the same that Cap'n fucking mayhem, as team pirate, was well trained to spot a situation suited to the deployment of left breast and right breast weebles' favorite method of exploiting Grabbo's weakness: the poison boobie.

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Alas, the trip passed without incident. Safely arrived at the appointed destination, Grabbo and the Cap'n headed to the boss's office.

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It was eerily dark, but Grabbo noticed a light switch next to the door.

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Grabbo laughed at the joke, it was probably some kind of training exercise. They entered, but this was Nebraska, not Kansas.

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The boys helplessly looked on as they saw the asses of evil preparing for the new season.

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To be continued....

Of Mice and Men

blue with age — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 19:10:34 -0000

Grabbo weeble is a professional hockey player in a large North American city. He wobbles but does not fall down.

via i560.photobucket.com

Recently Grabbo has been enlisted by the forces of good hockey to combat evil elements that want to promote bad hockey. A fail of epic proportions for the North American league would pave the way to world hockey domination by the BHL.

Recent initiatives by these forces or evil have not had the desired effect.

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Money is tight and certain members of the asses of evil have resorted to Molson money to pay their players

to suck.

via 1.bp.blogspot.com

The evil henchmen, right and left breast weeble, have resorted to internet scams to pay for their dirty deeds.

via www.image-upload.net

Internecine bickering has limited their evil doing.

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Meanwhile, elsewhere in Minsk, Grabbo has been enjoying the fruits of his labour. Grabbing himself a little bling

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and getting some ink done.

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Despite his recent success at foiling the evil plots of the evil doing evil doers, Grabbo has trouble sitting still. Life at Grabbo mansion has been difficult for our hero due to ongoing nightmares.

via i560.photobucket.com

But Grabbo, upon waking, is perplexed as to the source of his malaise. A look at the team of evil weebles from the island of ice built on sepia toned past glories and overinflated self importance reveals a seemingly harmless opponent.

via 1.bp.blogspot.com

Some kind of evil magic must be at work (and not the kind that powers the features of this website). This frightens Grabbo even more. He must prepare for the next meeting between the forces of good and evil. Checking out the profiles of several of his new team mates leads Grabbo to believe that he may have to bulk up a little.

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Somewhat wary of plane travel, Grabbo take the first charter out to his team's practice facility

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On the tarmac, Grabbo is uncertain of which dirigible is his ride. Closer investigation reveals his team's transportation.

via i560.photobucket.com

Despite his trepidation of boarding a balloon that boldly defies the laws of apostrification, he quickly settles in and takes the time to consult the instructions in the seat back in front of him.

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Always cognizant of the need to measure the external validity of scientific generalities due to the impossibility of ceteris paribus, Grabbo compares this plan with the one he was given whilst assimilated by the evil weeble collective.

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Grabbo quickly adopts the plan disseminated by the forces of all that is good in the world and after just 20 minutes a day, 3 times a week, Grabbo is good to go.

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But there's more to Grabbo than just pretty haircut, a soft pair of hands and his crazy delicious lack of judgement. He was still haunted by those nightmares and began to wonder who could help him put a couple biscuits in the basket.

This guy was possible,

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But he kind of reminded Grabbo of this ass kisser he once knew.

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Grabbo saw some real promise in this guy and his weeble back up power source. Grabbo was especially interested in meeting the MILF, he has a weakness for redheads

via www.cyberpresse.ca

Most intriguing however was this Kadri weeble, whose father and his story had been immortalized on the $5 bill, in film and in print. Grabbo was anxious to help the boy with his work out plan.

via dailydujour.com

But Grabbo's joy was short lived. Pony's hand had sent word that Grabbo was needed to fight the good fight.....

Bettman, pissing people off worldwide

blue with age — Wed, 20 May 2009 14:39:26 -0000

Making the news here in Quebec City this morning are the possibly dubious claims of a certain russian gazillionaire. The local interest in the story is due to Alexander Medvedev's previously expressed desire to bring an NHL team back here. Seems Gary told him that being Russian disqualifies him from playing in Gary's sandbox. Does Gary also secretly wear his Grandma's curtains? Does ownership of an NHL team involve the of respect of some kind of 'code'?

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

blue with age — Sat, 16 May 2009 17:54:56 -0000

Just to recap, Grabbo weeble is a weeble based life form that plays hockey in a large North American city. He wobbles, but rarely falls down.

Grabbo weeble is returning from a stint as the Belarusian hockey team at the world championships. He has grown a powerful moustache, giving him the ability to play all 6 positions at once.

At the airport, a curious group that call themselves the Muskoka 5 greet him. They look, smell and talk like hockey playing weebles, but Grabbo weeble is still a little wary of them.

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They encourage him to drag out his contract negotiations, go for the no trade clause then suck as no player has sucked before.

Grabbo is shocked by such talk and quickly touches base with his boss Burke weeble, fresh from his stint as the American IHC entry.

via miasmaticreview.mu.nu

Burke weeble tells him they should meet in person to talk. Grabbo hops the next plane to Big North American City.

While Grabbo dreams about watching his favorite team the Minsk Voltigeurs hoist the Memorial Cup, Grabbo’s plane is blown from the sky en route to his meeting.

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Luckily, weebles are encapsulated in plastic and float.

He is saved by Wellwood weeble, who was in the neighborhood transporting the Failville ‘wish we knew about jets’ Spitfires to their glorious defeat in the same tournament.

via www.sportsbubbler.com

WW informs Grabbo about the conspiracy he has unwillingly become a part of. ‘See, if I give 10%, 100% of the time, that makes 110% and then they blame the goalie. For the drug addled fans in my town…’

Meanwhile back in Minsk…..

Plans are afoot to establish the Belorusian Hockey League via the destruction of the North American league. Its strategy: establishing teams in non-traditional markets and sabotaging the game where it is already popular.

The captain co-conspirators of the mammalian conspiracy group MCG, Right Breast weeble and Left Breast weeble, had cultivated a network of sleeper agents to do their bidding

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*Q - What's the dickhead for?

*A. Not to let the hand to slide off

The key agents were Gary and Ace. The MCG had identified the ability of Gary weeble, even at a young age, to encourage bad judgment among the hockey elite.

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Other agents included Garth Snow

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Boots, the guys in Tampa, the Detroit police force, and enemas everywhere to which the MCG had a statue commissioned

via englishrussia.com

Weeble pods clones were also grown in a pen outside Viking, Alberta to take the place of players who always respect the ‘code’.

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In traditional hockey markets, they would be programmed to be ‘good guys’ that suck. In non-traditional markets they would be the franchise saviors that give unbridled hope to an ephemeral fan base, who then later suck at the requisite moment, breaking the hearts of said fan base.

They could be identified by their colorful attire, their Ben Affleck facial hair configurations and their hate of any Minsk based hockey teams. A faceoff with Grabbo was surely in the cards.

via www.kitchencontraptions.com

But, the only entity capable of positively identifying the evildoers was Pony’s Hand!

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And all sides wanted to get their hands on the Hand..

Didomenico Breaks Femur

blue with age — Wed, 06 May 2009 12:47:58 -0000

The recently signed Leaf prospect was cross checked trying to touch the puck on an icing call in the first period of the third game of the Q league final last night. He was taken off the ice on a stretcher and admitted to hospital. According to his coach, (article in French) Didomenico , despite his extreme pain, repeated over and over while prone on the ice "je veux la game" to his team mates. I'm sure you can translate. If he recovers, I think this is the kind of character that we want on our team. Drummondville now leads the series 2-1.

PPP Update: Here is a CP article for you Anglos.

Bandwagonning made easy

blue with age — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:45:01 -0000

Kyle Wellwood prepares himself for tonight's game

via www.ultimatehockeyshow.com

As the playoffs progress, the bandwagon choices start to involve unpleasant smells and selective memories. Always ready to serve the Barilkosphere, I offer you a team to which you may offer your temporary love. Submitted for your approval, the Drummondville Voltigeurs. The Voltigeurs take their name from a brigade formed during the war of 1812 (the one where we burned down the White House). Made up of of local colonists and natives, the Voltigeurs successfully repelled 3 American attempts to take Montréal. This year, a Voltigeurs hockey team that finished last season with a meager total of 33 points, led the Q with 112 points, a record year over year improvement for Canadian junior hockey. So far in the playoffs, they are unbeaten in 12 games and will meet the Cataractes in the league final starting May 1. As a booty call team, very similar in several ways to our main blue and white squeeze, they provide an example of the future we all hope for and how to get there.

So how did they do it? First off they decided that last season was going to be a long one. Instead of trading draft choices for more veteran talent to win a few more games, coach Guy Boucher and GM Dominic Ricard decided to play the kids and made 17 year old Marc-Olivier Vachon their captain. They knew it would amount to suicide in terms of team success, but believed the experience would be beneficial for the young players. This year began with a search for a few veteran players who could score. Taking advantage of a nightmarishly good power play, Yannick Riendeau (a Boston prospect) went from 49 points last year in Rouyn to 126 points this year in Drummond (hopefully he will suck for the Bruins), and Dany Massé (certain to choke as a Mtl prospect) increased his 79 point total in Bathurst last year to 110 on this year’s Drummond squad. In the first 8 games of playoffs, the power play was at 42.7% efficiency, accounting for 60 goals.

We are also talking about a team that rarely quits, starting with a management that was not content to rest on its laurels as success became evident during the regular season. A playmaking threat in the form of Christopher DiDomenico, an Ontario exile who had to go to the Q to prove he could still play, was added to an powerhouse offense late in the season. We should draft him. This relentless pursuit of victory was also shown in the Rimouski series. Despite the best efforts of Luca Cunti (am I alone in hoping that a hapless play-by-play guy is forced to describe some kind on-ice aggression between the Tampa prospect and Philadelphia’s up and coming James van Riemsdyk? - No matter how you pronounce the latter), Drummondville was unstoppable, stretching their playoff winning streak to 10 straight by overcoming a 3 goal deficit in the last 7 minutes of the 3rd period, including the winning goal with 17 seconds to go.

Nothing lessens booty call guilt, or remorse as the case may be, like the come back kid story of Mike Hoffman. Cut last year by both his hometown team in Kitchener and then Gatineau, Hoffman proved he could still score in Drummondville. He has also stepped it up a notch for the playoffs and is now 4th in the league in playoff scoring. In an effort to make a subtly obnoxious suggestion, I will note that he is undrafted and does not appear among the top 200 junior prospects. All agree however, that the principal cog in the machine is a defenseman, Dimitri Kulikov. As an assistant to Pat Quinn at the world U18 tournament, coach Boucher first began courting Kulikov to get him to play in Drummondville. By moving up in the draft, Drummond took Kulikov second overall, just behind Nikita Filatov. Kulikov is a nasty piece of Russian engineering, a + 34 that averaged a point a game during the regular season. Another guy who keeps the pedal to the metal, he is mean, fast and disciplined, with a knack for getting the puck to the net though traffic. In the 4th and final game of the 3rd round series against Rimouski that set the unbeaten streak at 12, Kulikov had 3 points and was 1st star of the game. Imagine him paired with OLAS; the opposing team’s trainer will need a back up supply of Depends for those who dare to cross our blue line.

Let’s be realistic, the Q is not the NHL. Any league that allows the Montréal team to name itself les Juniors, or the MAINEiacs of Lewiston, (no that’s not a typo), or a certain former NHL goalie to use his son as a backup goalie who smashes all the toilets in the dressing room after his dad pulls him for sucking so bad in one of the three games he appeared in all year then goes on to a rap career where he sings about how he was so misunderstood when his dad told him to beat the shit out of the opposing goaltender the year before…. well let’s just say that the cheese is not just in the poutine and forms a trail that leads all the way to the Bell Centre. But the Voltigeurs provide a rags to riches tale that inspires, and we can cheer (a) Leaf prospect(s?) in a way that allows us to move on after the excitement without strings. The coach is also a kind of fucking nutbar who forbids anyone involved with the team to say anything that may be construed as expressing doubt. Nonetheless, a Memorial Cup match in Rimouski between Drummond and Windsor might just be the best 18-15 game ever played, with or without Luca Cunti. So, let’s go les boys, lâchez pas.

In search of sisu weeble

blue with age — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:19:08 -0000

To recap, Grabbo weeble is a likeable hockey player in a large North American city. He wobbles but rarely falls down.

via i43.photobucket.com

After a stellar rookie season, he returns a hero to his native country. Parades are launched in his honour and Grabbo weeble day is declared

via farm4.static.flickr.com

But Grabbo quickly tires of the celebrity life

and a downward spiral of debauchery ensues

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Grabbo consults with the hockey oracle of Minsk

via www.ironrange.org

The oracle tells him to seek out sisu weeble to find the true meaning of life. It is rumoured that sisu weeble goes by the alias of Saku and is keen on giving advice to other hockey players. Grabbo sets out on his pilgrimage to sisu weeble's last known home in Montréal.

via www.hasbro.com

Grabbo feels uneasy in a place that looks so familiar, like he's been here before

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Sisu weeble is not to be found, apparently disappearing after the season that was

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While still at the rink, Grabbo happened upon team ownership

they told him that sisu weeble had retired sometime during the season and had returned to his native land. Grabbo hopped on the first plane out, as team ownership seemed happy to see him go.

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Weeble searched sisuville in vain for his guru

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After a furious search, Grabbo finds Sisu weeble at a baltic resort

via www.boingboing.net

The guru responds that Grabbo should retire to the good life like he did halfway through last season. It is important however, to always look emotionally distraught when talking to the media so they don't find out about your stategy.

Grabbo is unsure how to respond

via www.csdl.tamu.edu

More troubled than ever, Grabbo returns to his native land.

to be continued....

An Easter Tale

blue with age — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 18:35:52 -0000

Meet Grabbo Weeble. Once upon a time a young weeble was playing his favorite game in a shithole named Montréal.

(any resemblance, real or intended, to any other resurection parable is stricly the fault of Bob Gainey)

Grabbo weeble is particularly irascible, and his old coach Bo weevil, didn't like him.

It should be noted that Weebles wobble but they don't fall down, even when giants try to squish their heads. This makes them particularly suited to playing hockey.

For the statistically inclined among you, here's scientific proof

Once on a trip through the desert with his team, things went sour

His "friends" chased him out of town, telling him he will never score 20 goals

Grabbo weeble got sent to a new team

His new team is owned by a gargantuan pension fun that likes to heard sheep (and eat them too apparently)

And next year, they're gonna show Grabbo Weeble the money

The End

Joyeuses Pâques

News from the Q

blue with age — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 18:10:03 -0000

Editor's Note: blue with age decided to take advantage of a meeting of two of Toronto's better offensive prospects and made his way down to the Remparts/Drummondville game. Here is his report on Mikhail Stafanovich and Chris DiDomenico.

Last night I ventured out in the insanely cold night with 14000 other insane people to watch a Remparts/Drummond game. In our barn, the beer is priced ($4.25) just slightly higher than bottled water and the sushi is called poutine ($6). Though I have seen our boy Stefanovich before this was the first time I have seen DiDomenico live.

Tall, yet invisible, Stefanovich seems to often be in the right place at the right time to pot a goal. Which he did at even strength last night from the edge of the crease. He is big enough, fast enough and has the hands to play in the big show. The only question is whether he can do it right away. Think Pony (both positive and negative aspects). Personally, I can hardly wait for the tag team wrestlemania cage match featuring our belarusians versus theirs (you know who you are). Speaking of the negative side, being invisible is not always an asset when it means do-nothing-invisible. Plus, King Patrick had to actually go to Belarus (undoubtably with persuasive pineapples and sharp knives) to convince his parents to let Steffy come here. He will always be a higher maintenance player. Though hats off to the parents for making the crazy, wifebeating father of two junior rapping wifebeaters-in-training jump though hoops to get his way instead of just pouting in the local newspaper that he would take a back seat to anyone that would like to take his place knowing full well that the fawning over him of the said local population is the source of his hard-ons (in addition to wifebeating of course).

DiDomenico was recently traded to his new team. I hesitate using the nick name Dido, one typo away from being more news than I need to know. The PA announcer last night referred to him as Christophe (see previous sentence). Drummondville is now third overall in the Q (after last night) and DiDomenico is 1 of their 2 NHL drafted players - Quebec has 7. (Note to overcrowded TML executive suite - Please, please don't draft Tardif the goalie). DiDomenico has grown quite a bit in the recent past, so he is a thin guy. It is not surprising then that he is easily moved off the puck for now (including an awesome open ice hit last night that put him on his ass). On the positive side, he can play a role. This was not he same guy that set up Tavares over xmas. All his points last night (1g2a) were from the lip of the crease and he has a mean streak, probably from being pushed around when he was a smaller water bug. He was definitely the best player on his team last night, as well as the most penalized, and can evidently make an impact.

Overall, both players seem to be prospects that have yet to prove they can make the jump up. But good hands can't be taught, whether they develop with us or serve as trade bait.