Let's try this again.

Tickets go on sale Friday, and it we want to make the BCB game get-together a reality, we need to get our act together.

We are looking at the Saturday, June 16 date. That's a noon game against San Diego.

If you can or think you can attend, please post below. While I love you all, I don't need to know who can't come or why. We just need a count of how many people will be attending. Please don't clutter up this diary with stories of what you will be doing instead of attending the game on that date.

Then, based on the number of people attending, we are going to need volunteers to grab 6 tickets each for that game. No one is going to lose any money on this, because bleacher seats for a Saturday in June will be a snap to get rid of.

That said, post away. Email me with questions.

Bruce Miles has the update on Z and the upcoming arbitration.

Chad, I might need that mai tai sooner than we thought.

Discuss.

I do believe that Chad owes me a drink.

Thanks to tyger for today's OBD title suggestion, I added Rivera in because I am DEVASTATED by whatever went down between him and Lovie yesterday. I think we've made a HUGE mistake in letting Chico go.

Ron Rivera becomes NFL's official bastard child

In the last two years, Ron Rivera has interviewed for nine head coaching positions and has been passed over every time. Taking note of the league's distain for Rivera, the Bears have also taken a pass on their defensive coordinator of the last three seasons and have unexpectedly decided not to renew Rivera's expiring contract.

Head coach Lovie Smith, who is expected to receive a lucrative contract extension this off-season, will most likely promote his longtime friend and current assistant head coach and linebackers coach Bob Babich to the vacant position. Rumors have already begun to swirl that the new deal with the head coach has forced the team to cut corners by hiring an inexperienced assistant to replace Rivera.

"This has nothing to do with the Bears being cheap," General Manager Jerry Angelo said at the Bears press conference Monday, speaking into a cheap megaphone instead of a microphone while standing on a makeshift podium made of a soap box. "It's pretty simple, if nine other NFL teams have taken a pass on him, why the heck do we want him?"

Frankly, I think this is interfering with my feelings for Lovie. There, I said it.

As for Z, I guess we all just sit tight for today and see what happens. Frankly, I find it sad and hilarious that Hendry can find tons of cash for the likes of Lilly and Marquis, but goes to Scrooge McDuck for advice when it comes to Z. I guess it could be worse:

Pirates GM Begins Making Frantic, Haphazard Moves After Realizing It's Almost Spring Training

PITTSBURGH--While watching the noon edition of SportsCenter in his pajamas Tuesday, an alarmed Pirates GM Doug Littlefield suddenly realized that spring training was just one week away and he had yet to make a single offseason transaction.

"Shit shit shit--what do we need? Hitters? Pitchers? Pitchers. Can never have enough pitching. Who's a pitcher? Let's see, Randy Johnson, Roy Oswalt, Tom Glavine--wait, wasn't there some Japanese guy now who's good?"

Littlefield reportedly said as he went to go put on pants, started running the shower, and picked up the phone to call his assistant. "Who's still available... A... A... Armas. Tony Armas Jr. Wait, is he already on the Pirates? No, that's Shawn Chacon. Good, that's one. Think, think: Who else is there in baseball?"

In good news for mankind, no one went to Paris Hilton's birthday party:  

February 20, 2007 -- HOLLYWOOD A-listers shunned celebutard Paris Hilton's 26th birthday in Las Vegas in favor of hanging out in New York for Untitled Entertainment founder Jason Weinberg's 40th birthday at Midtown hot spot The Grand on Friday night. The power player toasted his big day with close friends Clive Davis, Kanye West, Marissa Tomei, Amy Sacco and Naomi Watts. Weinberg even had his "Happy Birthday" sung to him by Blondie legend Debbie Harry.

Meanwhile, Hilton held her party at Body English at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Vegas, but the bash turned out to be more of a bust. "There were no names there except for [sister] Nicky Hilton and Nicole Richie," said our source.

Finally! The universe is self-correcting. Set the doomsday clock back at least 5 minutes.

Oh wait.

But even without many boldfaces, things at the after-party at the Penthouse Suite got a little odd. After downing TY KU liquor and bottles of Dom Perignon, guests reported seeing Hilton play with a monkey while a band of midgets led a pack of goats around the room.

Sigh. Nevermind. We're all toast.

5 songs on my iPod:

Knock Me Down: RHCP
I Will: The Beatles
Jesus, etc: Wilco
Isanity: Liz Phair
Must I Paint You a Picture?: Billy Bragg

QOTD: (I know we've done this before, but I am feeling lazy today)

Ask any BCBer anything you want to know.

Top 10 Hottest Cubs of All-Time

#4 Kyle Farnsworth/Raffy Palmeiro(tie)

He ain't smart, but he sure is pretty:

Who cares if he's a cheater and needs Viagra? Back in his day, there was a reason Cindy couldn't control herself. Besides, facial hair has really grown on me:

Oh yeah, and to the slackers at Blendtec:  BLEND SOMETHING NEW ALREADY!!!!!!!

Before we start, let me just say that I bet I know EXACTLY why Britney shaved her head, and I'm surprised that no one has brought this up. She's in the middle of an ugly custody dispute with her husband. Drug tests are routinely requested and ordered by judges in custody cases. And they don't test for urine. They test, you guessed it, hair follicles. This is because drugs are detectable in hair for something like 90 days, whereas with urine it's usually less than 30 days. But if you get rid of your hair, you essentially get rid of all the evidence.

Just sayin.

For those of who loved "Waking Ned Devine," I give you the real life version. . . only without the charming Irish villagers, the scenic beauty, and . . . .uh, a lot more grossness:

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Police called to a Long Island man's house discovered the mummified remains of the resident, dead for more than a year, sitting in front of a blaring television set.

The 70-year-old Hampton Bays, New York, resident, identified as Vincenzo Ricardo, appeared to have died of natural causes. Police said on Saturday his body was discovered on Thursday when they went to the house to investigate a report of a burst water pipe.

"You could see his face. He still had hair on his head," Newsday quoted morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus as saying. The home's low humidity had preserved the body.

Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005.

Neighbors said when they had not seen Ricardo, who was diabetic and had been blind for years, they assumed he was in the hospital or a long-term care facility.

Awesome neighbors. It takes a village, people.

From the "their parents must be so proud"" files:

JERUSALEM - Israeli police investigating why a car was blocking traffic in the fast lane of a major highway on Sunday found a couple inside having sex.

A police spokesman said the female driver and her male passenger gave in to their passions without pulling over to the side of the road, causing congestion and leaving other motorists having to swerve to dodge their stationary vehicle.

A patrolman gave the woman a ticket for holding up traffic.

You guys were right, that beef jerky/fritos body lotion works wonders.

If you hate Michael Irvin as much as I do, you'll love this gem from The Heckler:

Irvin mourns ESPN firing with coke and whore binge

Same way he celebrated getting the job in 2003

ESPN has told NFL analyst Michael Irvin that they will no longer need his services. Irvin, who worked for ESPN since 2003, didn't seem too disappointed in the network's choice. The former Dallas Cowboy mourned the decision with a three-day binge that included drugs, sex and more drugs, which was the same way he celebrated getting the job three years ago.  

"I have no idea why ESPN wouldn't renew my contract and to be honest, I don't care," Irvin said, while hunched over a large mound of cocaine. "I don't have to put up with drug tests, Chris Berman and boring-ass Bristol, Conn."  

The unemployed Irvin says he used his newly acquired free time in South Beach where he partied at the hottest night clubs, slept with "a hell of a lot" of women and snorted as much coke as he could get his hands on.  

"These last few days have been great. Saturday night was off the hook. I had one girl on my left knee, another on my right knee and a third giving me a hit of blow," Irvin bragged. "I don't need ESPN's chump-change. This is the life."  

Irvin showed he still has some of his "Playmaker" magic left when he jumped over three chairs, caught a falling shot of Patron and stuck a hundred dollar bill into a stripper's thong, all in one motion.

Heh. Did I mention that I hate Michael Irvin? I did? Oh.

A hilarious Heckler Poll:

Now that Kerry Wood was hurt, who will be the next Cubs pitcher to miss time because of an injury?

a) Mark Prior, bruised ego & torn rotator cuff
b) Ryan Dempster, broken funny bone
c) Jason Marquis, ruptured ERA
d) Ted Lilly, blown stack
e) Wait, aren't they all hurt already?

Even The Heckler hates Marquis.

5 songs on my iPod: Birthday Edition:

End of the World as We Know It: REM
I Wanna Be Sedated: The Ramones
Extraordinary: Liz Phair
Satisfaction: The Stones
Julie's In The Drug Squad: The Clash

QOTD: What pop culture subject do you feel merits only a fraction of the attention it gets?

Top 10 Hottest Cubs of All-Time

#5 Michael Barrett/Kerry Wood(tie)

Disclaimer: I don't find either of these two all that attractive, but I know that many women do. I just don't get into blondes, I guess. Or guys from Texas. But objectively, I can see that they are great looking, even if I wouldn't look twice at them on the street.

So here you go:

And:

This diary is for ksucubbie, so he doesn't get in trouble at work. ;)

Here are the issues we need to resolve:

1. League name
2. mixed league or NL only?
3. free or pay league?
4. online or offline draft?
5. if online, what nights are people available?
6. what are you guys getting me for my birthday?

I propose the following:

1. Acolytes of the Scarlet Witch (heh)
2. mixed
3. free, but with a prize to the winner (a la Tom's suggestion)

4/5) online, the sunday night before the season starts. approx. 8:00 CST. Drinks shall be required.

6) surprise me

Next!

Let's chat, shall we? Please, sit. Please. No, really. I insist.

We've had some problems on this site as of late, and frankly, it's starting to annoy me and a lot of other people who are valued posters on this site. I am speaking, of course, about the so-called "hijacking" of diaries. And before you start calling me "pot," I will freely admit that, in the past, I have been as guilty of this as anyone. That said, this practice has got to stop.

I know that many of us have come from other blogs, and hence are familiar with the "open thread" diaries. For those of you who don't know, the open thread is generally a diary where you can post, at all hours of the day and night, about whatever pops into your head. Do you fear North Korea? Have an opinion about which flavor of Pop Tarts is tastier? Want to report suspected subliminal messaging during "Fairly Oddparents?" Then the open thread is the place for you.

In this vein, we created the "Non-Baseball Diary," which has since morphed into the "OBD" last May, in order to combat this very problem. For those of you that were around then, you will remember some of the better diaries (and sometimes the game diaries) would often devolve into a mess of movie quotes, personal anecdotes, and something that resembled an online singles bar.

As of late, it seems that, every night, some unfortunate diary becomes the victim of unruly hijackers. As one of the more prolific diary posters here, I can tell you that it really sucks when you put some thought into a diary, and wake up to find that there are 200 + comments on a diary, only to discover upon opening it that most of the comments have nothing to do with what you've written about (see my meltdown on the Smack Talk diary for more on how this makes a diary poster's head explode).

All that said, enough. Okay? The OBD is there for a reason; to direct all the OT traffic into one area so it doesn't pollute other threads. Frankly, Al and I are starting to get emails from a lot of diary posters who are upset about what is happening to their diaries. Diaries take time to write, and it's not fair to their authors to take them over talking about, well. . . basically nothing. To be honest, it's making this site more reminiscent of cubs.com and it's driving valued posters away. So feel free to hijack the OBD till the cows come home, but leave the other diaries alone.

In the same vein, before you post a diary, please think about whether or not it actually merits a diary. We're getting a lot of diaries lately, consisting of a couple of lines, asking people what they think our lineup will be or whether we think Wood and Prior will be healthy. That's not diary material; that's worthy of a comment on a related thread.

Also, please at least try to convey something about the subject matter of the diary in your diary title. Sometimes we get 5 diaries on the same topic because the first diary posted has a funny title, but not one that tells people what it's about.

I'm not posting this to pick on anyone, but rather to let you guys know that, as much fun as we have here, it's starting to cause problems. Please try to be considerate of other posters.

The season is starting. There's going to be a lot more to talk about. Let's all have fun and keep other people's feelings in mind.

Thanks.

[editor's note, by Al] Julie & I had a discussion about this topic this morning and she offered to make this post, to which I add my complete agreement. Let's all have fun, enjoy posting about the Cubs and baseball and when appropriate, other topics. Thanks from me too.

It's freakin -4 degrees out there right now. Gah! I love winter, but this is getting ridiculous. Nothing like walking across the river in a skirt in weather like this. I can't say anymore without sharing too much.

We begin with The Heckler's first report from Spring Training:

Cubs pitchers report to camp, battle for use of training room remote control

Cubs pitchers and catchers reported to Mesa Wednesday, attempting to get in shape for the grueling MLB season. While the pitching staff will use spring training to jockey for spots in the starting rotation, define roles in the bullpen, and get accustomed to a new manager, one battle has already begun--the quest for possession of the coveted remote control of the training room television.

"I've been on this team for nine years," said training room veteran Kerry Wood, already injured from a hot tub fall. "My seniority should dictate I get to choose what to watch."

The competition for dominance of the remote in the training room would not be quite so heated if the pitcher's preference of shows wasn't so varied.

"Kerry's pretty particular about his shows," said Cubs training assistant Mike Gompertz.  "He likes to watch the reality courtroom dramas like Judge Mathis, Judge Judy, and especially Texas Justice. [Mark] Prior prefers game shows, and [Wade] Miller is big on soaps. He throws a hissy fit if he doesn't get to see 'his stories' and we don't like Wade to throw anything. It's not good for his career."

Already aware of these problems, new manager Lou Piniella devised a plan.

"We need to stress fundamentals this spring," said Piniella, "like quickly changing the channel during commercials, keeping the volume at one level, and constantly checking the batteries."

For the love of God, if the remote is in Prior's hand, please, PLEASE just leave it there. I can't even begin to fathom what kind of career-ending injury he could suffer in a fall from a papazan chair.

It's been a long time coming, but finally, all of us who hate Duke can have a good, long laugh at their expense:

Mike Krzyzewski Assures Duke Players That Team Is Ranked 26th

CHAPEL HILL, NC--Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski reassured his slumping basketball team, which fell from the national top-25 rankings for the first time in 11 years following losses to Virginia, Florida State, UNC, and Maryland that they are in fact the very first team to have fallen off the charts. "Don't worry, gentlemen, we're the first team listed once you get past all the those teams there in the poll," Krzyzewski said in a post-practice team meeting at which he unveiled a banner stating the new team philosophy, "Unbeaten In Practice Equals Practically Unbeaten." "Duke is not just another also-ran--we're the top shelf of the second tier of college basketball." Krzyzewski blamed his team's recent fall in the rankings to a combination of unusually even-handed officiating, and "vengeful" opposing teams "running up the score" to a total of one or more points than Duke's.

Take THAT, Christian Laettner, you big fat cheater. Stomping on people's HEADS during the Final Four. I HATE you!!!!! Hey. . .did I ever tell you guys that many of my friends believe I am responsible for Bobby Hurley's near death experience? It's true. Also, I once almost made him cry on Space Mountain. That rocked.

Speaking of near death experiences, have you guys seen this?!?!?!

CANBERRA, Australia - A German paraglider was encased in ice and blacked out after being sucked into a tornado-like thunderstorm in Australia and carried to a height greater than Mount Everest. She survived.

"The glider kept climbing, climbing and I couldn't see anything," recalled Ewa Wisnerska. "Then it got dark."

The 2005 World Cup winner was lifted 32,612 feet (9,940 meters) above sea level by the storm near Manilla in New South Wales state while preparing for the tenth FAI World Paragliding Championships next week.

Deeeeaaaammmmnnn. Maybe I won't complain about walking across the river in a skirt anymore today. Wow. That sounds. . . .really uncomfortable.

I love this guy

SAN JOSE, Calif. - A man whose habit of jogging in a park wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes said he would keep his clothes on after he was fined $95 for indecent exposure.

Darryl Delacruz, a Silicon Valley engineer, said he would miss the "liberating feeling" of running naked in Fremont Older Open Space Preserve. But he conceded his personal comfort was less important than the discomfort he caused others.

"I'll go back, but I'll be wearing clothes," he said. "I don't want people to have the wrong impression."

Stories like that make me wonder why all my friends are so boring. Would it kill one of you to loosen up a little? Try something new? Take up nude jogging so we have something new to talk about? Pfffft.

5 songs on my iPod:

Fall At Your Feet: Neil Finn

You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man: Loretta Lynn

Someone to Love: Queen

Sleep Now in the Fire: Rage Against The Machine

Can't Stand Losing You: The Police

QOTD: You are stranded on a desert island. You can take on personal item with you. What is it?

For me, it depends on whether anyone else is there. If so, it's mascara. If not, it's my iPod. I would learn to understand solar energy and harness the sun's power to charge it forever.

Today's Top Ten Hottest Cubs of All-Time

#6 Mike Bielecki

That's Hunky Mike with me & Sparkles at the Convention. Aren't we all dreamy?

Happy Birthday to my hubby, who officially enters his mid-30s today. Hee. Sorry about moving out of that coveted 18-34 year old demographic. Now that you are old, no one cares what you think or buy anymore. On the plus side, no one will care what you buy anymore, so quit worrying about the denture cream, Preparation H, and adult diapers.

We begin today with the scandal that is rocking the world of double wides and shrines to Dale:

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. (AP) -- Michael Waltrip apologized Thursday for his team's role in NASCAR's biggest cheating scandal, saying he was so embarrassed he almost pulled out of Daytona 500 preparations.

The two-time Daytona 500 winner, who lost two key crew members Wednesday when NASCAR penalized his team for using a fuel additive, said he had to be talked into racing by his wife and Toyota officials who are seething that Waltrip tainted their Nextel Cup debut.

Apparently, certain NASCAR teams were putting a fuel additive in to be able to make endless left turns at a marginally faster rate.  Not quite as sexy as hitting 50 extra home runs a year, but they're doing what they can.

From The Heckler, a story regarding some of the unintended consequences of Andy Masur's new job:

Masur's departure leaves critical void during Pat Hughes' 8th inning bathroom breaks

WGN radio's Andy Masur--who's spent the last five years covering for Cubs play-by-play man Pat Hughes' late-game, half-inning breaks--is leaving the station for greener pastures in San Diego, where he will work Padres' radio broadcasts.

Masur leaves behind an eight-year legacy that WGN management will be hard-pressed to fill.

"When it comes to working five, maybe 10 minutes, nobody in radio gives a better effort than Little Andy Masur," said WGN's station manager Steve Grogan, brushing back a tear. "And who will be able to forget Andy's tireless dedication to his famed 'Square D Scoreboard' updates?"

With pitchers and catchers reporting to Mesa this week, Grogan is eager to plug the hole swiftly. According to the WGN Web site, qualified applicants will "have the innate ability to drive Ron Santo around in golf cart during Spring Training" and "keep seat warm for Pat Hughes during 8th inning bathroom breaks."      

Several candidates have lined up to fill the position, including former Cubs Dave Otto, Mike Bielecki and Randy Hundley, and Lindsay Walters, a 7th grader from Des Plaines, who posts on her MySpace account that she "likes broadcasting and stuff."

Hey! I didn't even get offered an interview for that job!

No matter what side of the aisle your political views fall on, you HAVE to find this funny:

WASHINGTON, DC--President Bush announced Monday that his administration will permanently sever ties with the democratically controlled United States Congress, ending a nearly 220-year-old alliance between the two governmental branches.

"Our administration no longer recognizes the authority of this rogue body," said Bush in a televised Oval Office address. "Clearly, these combative men and women have a political agenda in direct opposition to our own. They have no concern for my national interests, and have left me no choice."

After six years of cordial relations between the executive and legislative branches of government, tensions flared up in January when Congress came under the control of "hostile new leadership." After a dramatic standoff last week over American policy in Iraq, the president openly denounced Congress, refused to accept calls from majority leaders, and returned Congress-approved legislation unsigned and unread.

See? Cause it's not a Bush joke, it's just a government joke. And. . . oh, never mind. It's funny because it's true.

5 songs on my iPod:

Wild Horses: Elvis Costello & Lucinda Williams
You Were Meant for Me: Jewel
Damn Good Disguise: The Mendoza Line
Extraordinary: Liz Phair
Mrs Robinson: The Lemonheads

QOTD: What do you do in the mornings before the OBD is posted?

Today's Top 100 Hottest Cubs:

#7 Ryne Sandberg:

This is kind of a weird one for me, because it's hard for me to a) get past the fluffy hair, and b) remember him like this. But, it turns out that, in his younger days, Ryno was pretty dishy.

See?

CJ, they don't get much more square-jawed than that.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Sorry guys, it was an ugly morning/day in court today. My Valentine's Day begun with getting my a** completely waxed by a far inferior attorney, and got even better when I got back to my office to discover that my co-workers were devouring the box of Godiva chocolates that my husband had delivered to my office. Then it got cold. Really cold, and now I'm curled up under a blanket in front of the fire, and I can't feel my feet. Blah on that.

So this shall be the truncated version of the OBD today. I admire all of you for going over 100 comments and recommending a diary that says absolutely nothing. Good on ya.

We begin with The Heckler's touching story of unrequited love. Or maybe it is requited. Who the hell knows?

*John Madden sends Brett Favre Valentine's Day gift*

QB's wife mistakenly thinks delivery is for her

John Madden has had a well-known man-crush on Brett Favre for years. The NBC color commentator took the relationship a step further today when he sent a Valentine's Day card, bouquet of roses and a box of half-eaten chocolates to his all-time favorite football player.

When the delivery arrived at the Favre residence, Brett's wife Deanna mistakenly thought the gift was for her. She couldn't believe when she opened the card and saw it was for Brett.

"The front of the card said 'I Want to Score with You'," Deanna Favre said. "The inside had a picture of Brett and John together and he scribbled, 'Brett, You're the Extra Point to my Touchdown, Love John Madden.'"

Deanna said she was going to give the heart-shaped box of chocolates to their children but was disgusted to find nearly all of the candies had been eaten.

"Every one of the chocolates had a bite taken out of them." She described. "The only ones that were left were ones filled with coconut."

Madden and Favre were last seen heading to the Sybaris in Joliet.

Ever wonder where most people meet their SOs? Wonder no more:

Heh. I met my husband on the set of "Mr & Mrs. Smith" too. Go figure.

5 songs on my iPod: Romance Edition
Wish You Were Here: Pink Floyd
The Blower's Daughter: Damien Rice
Baby Can I Hold You Tonight: Tracey Chapman
Nothing Compares 2 U: Sinead O'Connor
Slip So Easily: Sweetwater

QOTD: What is your worst Valentine's Day Memory?

Mine was when a ton of my relatives got gunned down in a garage on the north side. That Valentine's Day totally blew.

Top Ten Hottest Cubs: #8

*Ryan O'Malley*

And before everyone goes complaining that he's too low on the list, I just want to say that the only reason he's not in the Top 5 is because he didn't play for the Cubs for that long.

For those of you who witnessed the hilarity, here's what happened. jonpyardi and I both posted diaries about this deal just as it was posted on the Trib's website. Then I got an email from Al, who said "hey, this is the kind of stuff I want you to put on the front page when I'm not around."

So Julie, in her infinite wisdom, said "Hey, no problem. I'll put it on the front page right now!"

Fast foward about 8 minutes, as Julie tries to figure out why she can no longer find the diary anywhere. Oops.

So sorry to Al and to everyone whose comments got deleted. I am fully aware of my suckitude. It is, however, my first week on the job.

Now then, the Trib reported today that the Cubs sent righty Jae Kuk Ryu to Tampa Bay for a couple of propects:

Sorry to all of you who were big fans of ERAs over 25.00. For my part, I have yet to forgive Ryu for his debut performance, for which I am still in therapy.

The two guys we got don't sound like anything all that special, either:

So, I guess to sum up my feelings on this deal, I can only say, "meh."

In case anyone is interested, the History International Channel is airing a special called "Sewers!" tonight.

We being today with a disturbing announcement about what apparently goes on in men's bathrooms:

SANTA FE --  New Mexico is taking its fight against drunken driving to men's restrooms around the state.

The state has ordered 500 talking urinal cakes that will deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar and restaurant patrons who make one last pit stop before getting behind the wheel.

"Hey there, big guy. Having a few drinks?" a female voice says a few seconds after an approaching male sets off a motion sensor in the device. "It's time to call a cab or ask a sober friend for a ride home."

Frankly if, after a few, I was using the little girls room and suddenly heard the voice of a man coming from the toilet, I would be somewhat concerned about what I had actually imbibed. However apparently guys don't think this way, and won't be the least bit startled by a talking urinal cake. <shakes head> The wonders of the male species never cease to amaze me.

Up next, we head over to The Onion:

Nation's Joggers Sick Of Finding Dead Bodies

CHICAGO--Citing the sobering statistic that over 10,000 of the 12,800 slayings in the United States in 2006 were reported by joggers, a national coalition of fitness enthusiasts called upon government officials Tuesday to impose measures that would reduce the likelihood of runners discovering lifeless bodies.

Joggers at a press conference in Chicago.
"We joggers have lives outside of finding violent-crime victims," said jogger Elizabeth Riccardi, who recently stumbled upon the remains of a double-pickax homicide  while jogging around the Bartlett Reservoir near Scottsdale. "We're willing to cooperate with law enforcement, but we don't all have the time to be consoled with a blanket and a cup of coffee while some cop asks us the same tedious questions."

Riccardi said that some joggers have become so fed up with the dead-body encounters that they've been forced to run only on busy sidewalks, to the chagrin of pedestrians.

"I don't run through Lincoln Park after 6 p.m. anymore, I steer clear of that alleyway by the liquor store, and I definitely do not jog by the river at all," Chicago resident Chaz Montgomery said. "But, without fail, every few months I make another gruesome, routine-disrupting discovery."

"I just want a good cardiovascular workout," Montgomery added. "I never asked for this, not during an intense incline push or even a slow cooldown."

Sacramento-based runner Keith Stafford said the problem has gotten so bad for him that after he happened upon his latest body, an unidentified newborn girl, he considered "leaving it there under the park bench for someone else to find for a change."

"Why must runners bear this burden?" Stafford said. "My brother's a baker, but he never opens his oven to find a severed head inside."

All I have to say is that, if we lose the joggers, there is going to be a disproportionate burden placed on children playing in the woods and dog walkers. And I'm not sure that's fair. If you don't want to happen across dead bodies and random body parts, you shouldn't try to exercise and be healthy.

Note to violent criminals: When on the lam, don't forget to put your cell phone on vibrate:

Eric M. Nolan of East Dennis let his phone ring and the sound led police to his hiding spot in the woods - 50 yards from his live-in girlfriend's condo - just hours after being released on domestic violence charges and then allegedly attacking his girlfriend and threating her houseguests, police said. Despite court orders to stay away, Nolan, 42, called the victim and sent her several text messages before returning to her home to try to force his way inside, police said.

    When police arrived at the residence for a second time they called Nolan and heard the ringing from the nearby woods. Nolan silenced the call by sending it to voice mail rather than shutting off the phone. Officers called the phone several times and, hearing the ring, found Nolan with ease.

Heh. Doofus.

Finally, Faith posted this a while ago, but it was kid of buried in the thread and I'm not sure it really got the attention it deserved.

5 songs on my iPod:

*Don't Come Home A Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind: Loretta Lynn
*A Change Is Gonna Come: Sam Cooke
*Remedy: The Black Crowes
*Trouble: Ray LaMontagne
*Snow (Hey Oh): RHCP

QOTD: Since we're in that magical time when hope spring eternal, what one thing is giving you hope about this years' team. When (if at all) do you expect this team to stomp your optimism to death? Hottest Cubs Of All-Time *#9 Corey Patterson* And DON'T think I don't feel dirty for doing this.

There's just no denying that, for all his issues, Corey was awfully pretty.

This is the way it shook out. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. Just know that I'm not with some of the people I wanted to be with, either. It wasn't personal in anyone's case.

Here we go:

Ethan's league:
bleedhawkeyegold
santoforprez
jessica
sparkles
cubfan2883
tal1286
dpollitt
Kyle Turney
thbizzle (do you want in? I stuck you in a league just in case)

baturkey's league:
LT
jcub
cubby23
pageian
roach
berg55
Tom
Laven
Smooth Jazz Man

Julie's league:
Faith
Progs
gravedigger/gravediggity/gravedizzle/CJ
nextyearcub
tyger
Al
tomas21
cublsuver22
ksucubbie

Since we split into 3 leagues, we have room for at least two more people, possibly 3, depending on what thbizzle does. If you want in a league, send me an email.

If you REALLY REALLY have a problem with your team, you can let me know. If you're just grumbling that you didn't get your way, save it. No one got 100% of their way, even me. Besides, use this as a chance to branch out and meet new people.

Your league commish will be emailing you about your league. From here, you can set up your own league rules.

That is all.

So I seem to remember last year, before the trade deadline, everyone screaming about how we should offer the Marlins the farm for Miguel Cabrera. And I happened to MENTION that he seems have be quite a little sh*t and that he has a bad attitude. I pointed out that his teammates reportedly can't stand him , and that he would not be a good fit in Dusty's clubhouse, where he would undoubtedly run hog wild and be allowed to smash boom boxes with impunity.

If I recall correctly, for these statements, my knowledge of baseball was called into question and I was flamed for about two weeks straight.

With that in mind, I give you Exhibit B:

Marlins President David Samson went out of his way last weekend to express the team's displeasure with Miguel Cabrera.  He said the team is "extremely disappointed" that Cabrera missed the team's FanFest.  In several of Samson's quotes he stresses how Cabrera was not there with his teammates.

The Palm Beach Post's Joe Capozzi has a source indicating that Cabrera skipped the event because he isn't happy being taken to arbitration over $700,000.  He'll already be accounting for a third of the payroll; you have to wonder if the Marlins are already priming fans for Cabrera's exit.  There seemed to be the same lack of professionalism prior to Joe Girardi's departure.

Interesting.

While I stand by my statement that the kid could use a good spanking, I also believe that there are few managers in baseball who would tolerate this kind of behavior less than Lou Piniella.

That said, the Marlins are in need of a closer, and we have a couple of guys that could fit that bill. Given the press they seem to be putting out there, it begins to look like they are more concerned with dumping Cabrera's attitude and his salary than getting equal value in return. Remember, this is exactly what they did to Girardi in the press before cutting him loose.

If Dempster were to come out of the box smoking hot, I wonder if we'd have a shot at him. I'd love to see a humbler, wiser Cabrera in between Ramirez and (shudder) DeRosa.

What say you, peanut gallery?

The day of reckoning draws near, my pretties. Yahoo will allow us to start registering leagues on February 15. That's Thursday, kids. So this is your last chance to let me know if you have a preference for my league or Ethan's league.

Thanks to those who have emailed me already about this. Unfortunately, it's become a tangled web of who wants to be in what league. For example, player A wants to be in my league with player B, who insists on being in Ethan's league with player C, who doesn't want to be in the same league with player A. Sigh. I'm going to do my best to accomodate everyone, but, in the end, I might just wind up drawing names out of hats. Capice? So if you wind up in a league that was your second choice, please don't take it personally. Of course, as tomorrow is Valentine's Day, if you want to increas your chances of getting into your preferred league by sending me a little trinket or bauble, I won't hold it against you. This is Chicago, after all. Also, if you prefer to send flowers, I'm partial to french tulips. Thanks.

Now then, this thread is open for discussions regarding specific rules/requirements, scoring methods, etc. Let's hear your suggestions. Here is mine:

Each player is required to have one current and one former Cub on their team.

Others?

In an alarming trend, several signs of the apocalypse revealed themselves this past weekened, leaving no doubt that, while the end may not be nigh, you can see nigh from here.

Let's begin with the Lifetime movie that is the Anna Nicole Smith saga. Everyone pull out your scorecards, as it's time to update the Baby Daddy sweepstakes.

When we last checked in, there were two Babby Daddies fighting over little Dannielynn (. . . uh. . . well, I guess we don't know what her last name is): Anna's former boyfriend, Larry Birkhead, and her maybe-husband, Howard K. Stern (nice move sticking the "K" in there, dude). Over the weekend, a new contender stepped into the ring, and guess what? He's a price! And you'll never guess who he's married to. . .

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- The husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor said Friday that he had a decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith and may be her infant daughter's father.

The claim by Prince Frederic von Anhalt comes amid a paternity suit over Smith's 5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn.

The birth certificate lists Dannielynn's father as attorney Howard K. Stern, but former Smith boyfriend Larry Birkhead is waging a legal challenge, saying he is the father.

"If you go back from September, she wasn't with one of those guys, she was with me," von Anhalt told The Associated Press in an interview Friday.

But wait, it gets better (and you guys might want to sit down for this one):

Hollywood, Florida - Anna Nicole Smith may have used the frozen DNA of her late husband, J. Howard Marshall, to become pregnant. That is what the late celebrity's half-sister is telling today's New York Daily News.

No comment. But if you haven't gotten right with Jesus, now might be the time to do so. Also, when this IS eventually turned into a movie, I see Pam Anderson as Anna Nicole, George Hamilton as Prince Man-Zsa Zsa, and Tom Sizemore as Baby Daddy number one. BTW, am I the only one who thought Zsa Zsa was dead?

Moving right along, we head next to Eugene, Oregon, which contributed this little bit of terrific to the coming of the end times:

EUGENE, Oregon (AP) -- A snorkeler who was shot in the face after he was apparently mistaken for a swimming rodent was in good condition after surgery, a hospital said Saturday.

Well done, people of Eugene, you've officially killed the thriving snorkeling tourtist trade in your fair city. BTW, my husband raises a good point, is there a large problem with snorkeling rodents in that area?

And from the "yet another reason I want to move to France" files, Eddie Murphy's latest lowest common denomintor movei, Norbit finished at the top of the box office.

Finally, the Grammys were as horrifying as expected, with an especially ugly duet between Timberdork and some no name chick, which wound up looking and sounding a lot like Homer's web page. But the reason I despise the Grammys was summed up in a two categories in particular, when Carrie Underwood beat out Chris Brown, Imogen Heap, James Blunt, and Corinne Baily Rae for "Best New Artist," and The Dixie Chicks somehow won "Album of the Year" over Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy," which has been covered by approximately 731 artists to date. Ah well, at least The Police were great. Then they made me wait 2 hours to see RHCP. Blah on that.

Alas, while it's clear that we're approaching the point of no return, there is still some good in the world. Whenever you start to stress out about the coming armageddon, sit back and let the magic of You Tube take it all away.

A special Valentine edition of Will It Blend? Don't breathe this!

5 songs on my iPod:
Flathead: The Fratellis
Another Saturday Night: Sam Cooke
Hold You In My Arms: Ray LaMontagne
Dear Chicago: Ryan Adams
Just Like a Pill: Pink

QOTD: Give us your most embarrassing moment (trust tree, remember).

Finally, as we coast towards the start of ST, I'm starting my OWN top 10 list. Top Ten Hottest Cubs of All-Time. No written profiles will be necessary, as their on-field accomplisments are really irrelevant.

So here we go: Number 10

Davey Martinez

Okay, so it was kind of hard to find a close up, but I'm sure those of you old enough to remember Davey will concur. Sparkles, you would have LOVED Davey. Alas, he was, I believe, yet another victim of she-who-shall-not-be-named (I'm looking at you, team destroyer).

Okay, so one of my new "responsibilities" <rolls eyes> is to coordinate the get together of all the freaks, geeks, and weirdos that populate this site.  If you take a look at the poll over on the sidebar, you will note that 67% of the BCB populace said that they would prefer to get together at a) the Saturday, June 16 game, or b)they would come any time. With that in mind, it looks like we're going with the June 16 game, unless anyone has a better idea. BTW, that game is at 12:05 against San Diego.

That said, the first thing we need is a list of people who plan on attending that game. Once we have that established, we have to figure out how many tickets we are going to need, and we need to enlist people to grab (probably) 6 bleacher tickets each for that game. Then we'll work out payment/ticket exchanges.

I know it seems early to be doing this, but tickets go on sale in two weeks, so we need to get our act together here. Besides, I'll be there, so obviously you all should be planning the rest of your summers around this event, and not vice versa.

So take a look at your calendars and post below if you plan on attending the game. And if you're a person with room on your credit card who is willing to help grab enough tickets for the whole gang, please say that as well.

Might as well get right to the news that all of America is DYING to know, the story that has wrested the news away from global warming and foisted Iraq off the front page:

Large amounts of prescription drugs were removed from Anna Nicole Smith's hotel room, law enforcement sources familiar with the investigation told CNN.

Shocker.

Our fearless leader has some issues with the way the Bears played in the contenst that shall never be mentionned again, and unlike our offensive coordinator (cough! Hire Thayer! cough!), plans to do something about it:

Reflective Urlacher calls out teammates, details changes for 2007

Despite a glorious run to Super Bowl XLI and playing defense like a pack of crazed dogs for much of the season, Bears' middle linebacker and tackling freak Brian Urlacher admits he expects to see a much different look to the defensive starting lineup in 2007.  

"We started great in 2006 but by the end of the year and playoffs, our front seven was as effective as the Max Weinberg Seven," said Urlacher. "We missed tackles and got shoved around like a bunch of skirt wearing sissy boys. Changes must be made, they will be made."

Urlacher then detailed his plan to construct an invincible defense which he felt would only give up three to seven points in 2007:

1. Replace Tank Johnson with an actual tank.
2. Kidnap Shawn Merriman from San Diego and have him play in a Hunter Hillenmeyer uniform.
3. Hire Metallica to replace Ron Rivera as defensive coordinator.
4. Throwback training regiment, including medicine balls, raw eggs for breakfast and Flintstones chewable vitamins (fortified with today's most easily masked steroids).
5. More dancing, less prancing in pre-game warm ups.

I really take issue with number 3. Long Live Chico. Other than that, I'm down. At least we won't have to worry about an actual Tank violating it's probation, though I suppose it could get called up to active duty. Perhaps we should go with a Mini-Van.

A rather suspicious item appears in the Tribune this morning:

Game consoles target of suburban robbery

Two masked men, one armed with a handgun, escaped with video-game consoles and accessories in a robbery of a Niles store Thursday morning, police said.

The men entered the GameStop store at 5695 Touhy Ave., in the Village Crossing shopping center, and asked an employee about PlayStation 3 systems, Niles police Sgt. Tom Davis said.

The article goes on to say that the other masked man started arguing with the first, stating that if he wasn't "such a f*cking tool," he would "grab the Wiis instead." The first man then asked the salesperson which sysmtem he thought was better.

Now, The last thing I want to do is point fingers, but I would like to know the whereabouts of TheBeerBaron and fuzzycubfan at the time of the robbery.

And, in the most disturbing news of the week, James Brown has STILL NOT BEEN BURIED, while his family continues to fight with the trustees of his estate.

I love James Brown as much as anyone. The man felt good, and he had just had to sing about it. Plus, he liked living in America. And you all know my motto: Love it or leave it. But, all my James Brown love aside, this is what James Brown looked like when he was alive:

James Brown died in December. It is now February. I have to believe that, had he any say in the matter, JAMES would not approve of how he most likely looks today.

While I was getting JB's mugshot from The Smoking Gun, I came across this awesome mughost of Yanni:

Heh. He doesn't look so tough without all the keyboards, now does he?

And this one:

Awesome. Johnny even makes JAIL look cool.

Finally, does anyone else hate those stupid Bratz dolls and their lips as much as I do? If so, enjoy this episode of Will It Blend?

5 songs on my iPod:

*Missing You: David Wilcox
*Gone Away From Me: Ray Lamontagne
*In The Wee Small Hours of the Morning: Madeleine Peryoux
*Don't You Forget About Me: Simple Minds
*Come Closer: My Morning Jacket

QOTD: Who's your favorite BAND (note, there is not room for plurals here, Jesse) of all time?

Please check your respective emails (except for you, tomas21, you should see today's OBD for more information) and email me if you need to.

The date of reckoning draws near. . .

Paging Dr. tomas21, there has been a APB put out for you by your fans over on yesterday's OBD. And, I don't want to complain, but my last email to you was rejected because of "policy reasons on this gateway. Reasons for rejection may be related to content such as obscene language, graphics, or spam-like characteristics (or) other reputation problems."

Reputation problems? I told you that in confidence!!!!!! Hrumph. That's the last time I tell you anything about my personal life.

First up today, someone who is having a far far worse week than the rest of us depressed Bears fans:

DECATUR, Ill. (AP) -- How do you spell Scott Wiese?

In a few weeks, that'd be P-e-y-t-o-n M-a-n-n-i-n-g.

Wiese, a die-hard fan of the Chicago Bears, signed a pledge in front of a crowd at a Decatur bar last Friday night that if the Bears lost Sunday's Super Bowl, he'd change his name to that of the man who led the Indianapolis Colts to victory.

Final Score: Colts 29, Bears 17.

So on Tuesday, Wiese went to the Macon County Courts Facility and started the process of changing his name.

Duuuude. Bad bet, dude. Bad. Bet.

From the "this explains a lot" files:

James Blunt says he wrote his megahit "You're Beautiful" in under three minutes. "I wrote it in two and a half minutes," Blunt told Life magazine. "I saw an ex-girlfriend on the tube with a new boyfriend and lived a lifetime in those minutes."

And yes, it's true, this song once appeared on my iPod Five, but, after repeated listenings, I decided that I kind of really hate it. Too bad, because some of his other songs are great, like "Wiseman." Still, he's no Damien Rice.

For all the guys on here constantly bemoaning their single status, MSNBC offers you a tip: get to the gym (and then don't shower):

Mmm, sweaty! Women aroused by male scent

Chemical in perspiration elevates female hormonal levels, study finds

WASHINGTON - For women, apparently there's nothing like the smell of a man's sweat.

Researchers at the University of California at Berkeley said women who sniffed a chemical found in male sweat experienced elevated levels of an important hormone, along with higher sexual arousal, faster heart rate and other effects.

They said the study, published this week in the Journal of Neuroscience, represents the first direct evidence that people secrete a scent that influences the hormones of the opposite sex.

This is probably true. You all need to stop dousing yourself with cologne that you get a Walgreens. You smell better without it.

Finally, this ought to wake everyone up this morning. They caught one of those things off the coast of Japan recently. It's a goblin shark, and apparently is considered a living fossil because of it's resemblence to prehistoric sharks. Yikes.

5 songs on my iPod: Motown Edition

Uptight: Stevie Wonder
Cupid: Sam Cooke
It's Raining Men: The Weather Girls
I've Been Loving You Too Long: Otis Redding
I'm Gonna Make You Love Me: The Temps/Supremes

QOTD: Which BCB poster would you most want to be stranded on a desert island with and why?

This diary, admittedly, will not be my best effort. However, I have 24 minutes to kill, so here goes:

We start with The Heckler, who has been following the story of our hapless Bears' return to Chi-town:

Supportive fans accidentally welcome back Chicago scalpers, hustlers and bootleggers from Miami

Two days after Super Bowl XLI, Chicagoans have shown great support for their Bears, despite the team's losing effort. This emotion was misguided Tuesday as a crowded gathering to greet the Bears players and coaches gave a glowing reception to the wrong incoming flight and accidentally greeted the city's smarmier side.

In addition to thousands of fans, hundred of local scalpers, hustlers and bootleggers made the trip to South Florida to ply their trade on sport's biggest stage. Many arrived at O'Hare thousands of dollars richer than they left and were greeted by at least 300 people. They were honored by the warm reception, not knowing it wasn't intended for them.

"Normally people accuse me of profiteering at the expense of fans, so it's nice to finally hear something positive from the community," said ticket scalper Leroy "Seven Fingers" Smith. "Especially considering I made about 100 grand off those idiots."

The fans were excited, yet puzzled by the men they saw get off the flight.

"I think I saw Ron Rivera," said 12-year-old Thomas Martin. "But I'm not sure why he was wearing a purple fur coat."

Everyone's favorite astronaut is back in Houston:

Troubled Astronaut Back in Houston

ORLANDO, Florida (CNN) -- Astronaut Lisa Nowak arrived home to Houston Wednesday morning, a day after she appeared in court in Orlando, Florida, to face charges including the attempted murder of a romantic rival.

As friends and strangers tried to imagine what could have caused her apparent meltdown, a few clues emerged.

A family statement said Nowak had recently separated from her husband of 19 years, who works at NASA Mission Control. They have a teenage son and young twin daughters.

I love how the media keeps referring to her as "troubled." Personally, the word I would use to describe someone who dons a diaper, trenchcoat, and wig and drives 900 miles to kidnap a co-worker over some guy she's not even involved with is "batshit insane." But that's me.

For any longhairs out there who are still insist that metal rules and that, sooner or later, Cinderella will be back on top, I give you this:

Ozzfest Goes Free

Venerable metal festival ditches exorbitant ticket prices.
by IGN Music
February 6, 2007 - In an announcement that might very well reconfigure how the industry looks at the rising cost of concert tickets, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have announced that the 2007 incarnation of Ozzfest will literally bring the music to the people for free.

"This will change everybody's impression of the way touring in the summer in America should be," Sharon Osbourne, exclaimed when announcing the decision to make Ozzfest accessible to everybody regardless of budgetary constraints.

The 25-date touring festival, which will launch on July 7th in Los Angeles is affectionately being dubbed "FreeFest." In addition to the Los Angeles stop on the tour other cities include San Diego, San Francisco, Seattle, Denver, Albuquerque, Phoenix, Dallas, San Antonio, Kansas City, St Louis, Chicago, Indianapolis, Columbus, Pittsburgh, New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Hartford, Charlotte, Atlanta, West Palm Beach, Nashville.

So chuck your aqua net into the TransAm and get rollin'.

5 songs on my iPod:

One More Try: George Michael (so what? wanna make something of it?!?!)
A Change Gonna Come: Sam Cooke
Wild Horses: The Stones
Kissing the Lipless: The Shins
We Used To Be Friends: The Dandy Warhols

QOTD: Ask any other BCB poster today anything you want to know about them.

(told you this was not my best effort)

The way I see it, this team is sorely in need of some decent nicknames, as are many members of this community. I mean really. . . Z? DLee? Dumpster? (okay, that one is admittedly pretty good). Those are terrible.

So I give you the 2007 Cubs Roster. Let's get some nicknames going. My favorites are listed. If you're nickname is chosen, it gets posted on the list. Let's go:

  57 Rocky Cherry  
  48 Neal Cotts   "Sweetcheeks"
  46 Ryan Dempster "Dumpster"
  47 Scott Eyre   "Stumples"
  37 Angel Guzman  
  53 Rich Hill  
  62 Bob Howry   "The Ninja"
  30 Ted Lilly   "Tiger Lily"
  49 Carlos Marmol  
  21 Jason Marquis   "Marquis de Sade
  45 Sean Marshall   "The Big Smooth"
  51 Juan Mateo  
  52 Wade Miller  
  44 Roberto Novoa   "The Cooler"
  13 Will Ohman  
  22 Mark Prior   "Buttercup"
  55 Clay Rapada  
  20 Jae Kuk Ryu   "Streetfighter"
  -- Jeff Samardzija  
  34 Kerry Wood
  43 Michael Wuertz  
  38 Carlos Zambrano   "The Beast"
  8 Michael Barrett  
  24 Henry Blanco      "Hank White"
  58 Geovany Soto  

  5 Ronny Cedeno  
  7 Mark DeRosa  
  56 Brian Dopirak  
  3 Cesar Izturis  
  25 Derrek Lee
  15 Scott Moore
  16 Aramis Ramirez   "Hustle & Slow"
  2 Ryan Theriot "The Riot"

  27 Buck Coats  
  -- Cliff Floyd  
  11 Jacque Jones   "Pepe Le Peu"
  19 Matt Murton   "Orange Guy/Narranja"
  29 Angel Pagan   "El Corazon"
  17 Felix Pie  
  12 Alfonso Soriano   "Fonzi"
  32 Daryle Ward

There are also several members of this site, who shall remain nameless, who are also in dire needs of nicknames (cough! Al! cough!). I leave this mission to you.

Let the nicknaming begin.
BCBers: Al: Optimism Prime

Last night on my way home from work, I was turning in the middle of a busy intersection, when I noticed a young husky darting in and out of traffic, clearly lost and really confused. It never ceases to amaze me how many people just keep driving when something like this happens. I pulled over to the side, did the George Costanza stopping traffic move, and eventually coaxed her into my car with a frozen turkey and cheese croissant that had been sitting on my front seat for two days. Hee. She was really skinny, dirty, and terrified, so of course she had to sit on my lap the entire way to my house. Did I mention that she was a full-grown husky? So that made driving fun. Brought her home, put her in the back yard while we put our two dogs up in our bedroom (and let me tell you, they weren't happy about it: "We know there's another dog out there, dammit! You're cheating on us!")

It became instantly clear as soon as we let her in the house that this was someone's dog. Not only did she know how to "sit," she was wonderful with my two little boys, who were following her all over the house and hanging on her. All she did was give them kisses. So we started calling animal control centers, etc (even though by this time I totally wanted to keep her. Sob!) Success on the second try! A family called and said their gray and white husky had been missing since early yesterday evening. Humane Society called them, they called us, and, long story short, today doggy is back with her family. Happy ending!

Okay, so maybe it's not that great of a story, but if, like me, you've ever lost a pet, those kinds of endings make me all warm and fuzzy. I'd be sick if I lost either one of my dogs.

But there's no doubt that THIS is an awesome story:

ORLANDO, Fla. - A jail official says a NASA astronaut is being charged with attempted first-degree murder in an alleged kidnapping attempt involving a romantic rival.

Lisa Marie Nowak earlier was charged with attempting to kidnap a romantic rival in a love triangle with another astronaut was allowed to go free on bail Tuesday on the condition that she not contact the alleged victim.

<snip>

Police said Nowak drove 900 miles, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut.

Oefelein, 41, piloted the space shuttle Discovery in December. He and Nowak trained together but never flew a mission together.

Nowak told police that her relationship with Oefelein was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship," according to an arrest affidavit. Police found a love letter to Oefelein in her car.

So what's more then a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship? Friends with privileges? Seems kind of lame to make all this fuss over that.

Apparently, Nowak was waiting for her next shuttle assisgment when this all went down. So let this be a lesson to you, NASA, you'd better get some new and more interesting programs up and running soon, because this is what happens when astronauts get bored.

I love that story. That might even be better than the skydiving murder story.

From the "this country has gone to hell in a handbasket" files:

About 985,000 Easy-Bake Ovens sold since last May, manufactured by Easy-Bake, a division of Hasbro Inc., because children can get their hands or fingers caught in the oven's opening, which poses an entrapment or burn hazard. The company has received 29 reports of children getting their fingers or hands caught in the product, including five reports of burns.

The recalled plastic ovens are purple and pink. They resemble a kitchen stove with four burners on top and a front-loading oven. "Easy Bake" is printed on the front of the electric toy.

It's a sad day in this country when a kid can't even use an Easy Bake Oven without the threat of severe bodily injury. For shame, America. Oh wait, they were manufactured by 3 year olds in Thailand. Never mind.

I don't understand how OJ manages to be more of a piece of sh*t every time he opens his mouth, but he does. It's amazing, really:

Providing a depressing if totally unsurprising coda to the O.J. Simpson "If I Did It" fiasco, Simpson spoke to Florida's Palm Beach Post recently, saying he told publisher Judith Regan, who was behind the project, that he hoped the book would never come out. "It made it look too much like an admission of guilt," he told the paper. "There were a lot of inaccuracies about the case and about how I would have done things. But I figure I'd let it go since I didn't kill anyone." As for the public furor? "I don't care," Simpson said. "I got paid just the same."

Yeah, that's really the problem with writing those "I swear I didn't do it, but if I did, here's how it went down (wink wink)" books. People completely misinterpret them.

Finally, good news for truthiness, justice, and the American way:

There have been rumors floating around Stephen Colbert fan sites for some time that Ben & Jerry's is working on some sort of Colbert-themed ice cream. After a tip yesterday (thanks, Ms. Interpreted), we put a call in to the ice cream company, and got this coy reply from spokesman Rob Michalak: "I can neither confirm nor deny it. But I can say there's been a lot of experimentation with red, white and blue." There are some theories as to what the likely flavor will be (including this shot of something called "Americone Dream").

Hooray! A new season of Will It Blend? is upon us. Today's blendee: What NOT to get your wife/girlfriend for Valentine's Day.

5 songs on my iPod:

Slip So Easily: Tres Chicas
Listen Like Thieves: INXS
Hold You In My Arms: Ray Lamontagne
Wurlitzer Prize: Willie Nelson & Norah Jones
Hey Julie: Fountains of Wayne

QOTD:  Which current or former Cub are you the most like?

The Bears lost. It's somewhere in the neighborhood of -40 in Chicago today. Thanks to the Sex Cannon, I'm still hungover, as his SECOND toss into double coverage caused my neighbors and I to hit the shot glasses early. And oh yeah, the rest of my family is still home in their pajamas while I'm at work. Blah on that.

And the bad news just keeps on coming:

Daley regrets betting cities with Indy mayor

As the clock wound down on the Bears Super Bowl loss to the Indianapolis Colts Sunday night, Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley was in a world of hurt. His two-week rivalry with Indianapolis Mayor Bart Peterson got out of hand, costing Daley the very city he's presided over since 1989.

"After those big wins against Seattle and New Orleans, I'd gotten carried away," said a sullen Daley, whose office was stacked full of Starbucks coffee, Space needle figurines, shrimp gumbo and Mardi Gras beads won in previous playoff bets. "I thought there was no way we'd lose, so I decided to bet cities."

Last week a confident Daley jokingly told Peterson they should bet keys to their cities. When Peterson called Daley's bluff, the bravado escalated. Neither mayor backed down. A deal was made and now Chicago is property of Indianapolis.

"Indianapolis has long been the ugly stepchild of the Midwest," said Peterson. "Now that Chicago is ours, we finally a city we can be proud of."

Peterson said Chicago will immediately get "a little Indy added to it" by building Perkins and Steak N Shake restaurants to every neighborhood. The United Center will be renamed "Reggie Miller Arena" and the Chicago will build a huge oval racetrack that will host a yearly race, drawing hundreds of thousands of spectators for some reason.

Hope you guys like Cracker Barrel! Sigh. At least Prince was great.

Alas, now that our Bears have been dispensed with without so much as a "thanks for stopping by" from the national media, we can finally turn our eyes to baseball, which is almost upon us. And lest ye all start whining about that, too, I give you this Onion classic:

In My Day, Ballplayers Were For Shit

It seems everywhere I go these days, some young fella's jibber-jabbering about how great some ballplayer of today is. It's always Mark McGwire this or Sammy Sosa that. Well, of course they're the best. These modern big leaguers, with their blinding speed, cannon arms, and towering home runs-they've got it all. Back in my day, ballplayers were for shit!

I'll never forget my first big-league ballgame. It was 1931, at the old Polo Grounds in New York. Giants versus the Reds. Dad by my side and Crackerjacks in hand, I took my seat in the grandstand on a glorious Saturday afternoon. That's when I first laid eyes on him. Out there patrolling the grass in center field for the home-team Giants was Ducky "Lead Legs" Cronin. Worst ballplayer you ever saw. Christ, did he suck.

The very first batter up to the plate hits a lazy fly ball right to Ducky. He settles under it, and it bounces right off the heel of his glove. The boos cascaded down from the bleachers like rain! Two at-bats later, Reds second baseman Charlie Frisch-not a very good player in his own right-hits a ball to shallow center field. The moment he hears the crack of the bat, Ducky's on his horse. He charges in on the ball as hard as he can, but he can't get to it. Too slow.

That's the thing about the old ballplayers: They were very slow! Today, it's like a track meet out there. Players are flying around the bases like gazelles. But in my day, the players lumbered around in their heavy woolen uniforms like President Taft after a big meal. The slowest of them all was Harry "Three-Toed" Vaughan, a first baseman with the Washington Senators. Legend had it, he could turn off a lightswitch in his bedroom and be in bed 35 seconds later. A guy like that wouldn't stand a chance in today's game.

It's sad. Nobody has a sense of history anymore. The modern fan could tell you Barry Bonds' on-base percentage with two outs and runners in scoring position during night games on the road, but he's never even heard of the old St. Louis Browns shortstop Walter "Shitty Batter" Dugan. They called him that because he was a real shitty batter. He'd swing at anything, Dugan would. I swear, I once saw him swing at a throw the pitcher made to first base. But he wasn't the only undisciplined hitter of his era: There was Rocky Evers, Herman Doerr, and Alvin Crow. Guys like that just didn't take the art of hitting as seriously as they do today. They wouldn't have lasted two seconds in the batter's box against a Pedro Martinez. Shit, he'd mow them down. In fact, I would put money down on a bet that Martinez wouldn't even have to break a sweat to do it.

These are tough sons of bitches, these ballplayers of today. Cal Ripken plays in more than 2,000 consecutive games. You think any of the old Brooklyn Dodgers could have done that? No way! Fred "Big Pussy" Delahanty used to scratch himself from the lineup if he had a blister on his pinky. One time, an hour before a crucial late-season doubleheader against the Pirates, he checked himself into a hospital with gastroenteritis because he burped. Talk about gutless.

And they were rude! Go to a game nowadays, and it's all "Yes, ma'am," "No, ma'am," and "I'm just trying to do what I can to help the team." Today's players are constantly making charity appearances, and they'll sign autographs until their hands fall off. But try getting an autograph off a guy like Frankie Medwick, the bad Chicago Cubs pitcher from the '40s. He'd have torn you a new asshole! And if you were black, well, let's not even think about that.

I was at the barbershop Monday, getting my usual weekly shave and a haircut, when I hear this young whippersnapper in the chair next to me jawing on about that newfangled Mets catcher Mike Piazza. "Did you see that shot Piazza had last night against the Marlins?" he asks Gus, one of the barbers. "It bounced off the Shea scoreboard, 522 feet from the plate. And he broke his bat on the play! Do you have any idea how strong you have to be to get a 522-foot broken-bat homer? I'm telling you, that guy's the greatest hitting catcher in major-league history."

I swear, it took every ounce of strength I had to keep me from standing up, walking over to that kid, and totally agreeing with him. Of course Piazza's the best! The old catchers blew! And so did the pitchers! And rightfielders, too! They all stunk! Buncha slow, fat, selfish, mean whiteys. I tell ya, they didn't used to make 'em like they do now.

In case, like me, you could see the writing on the wall at halftime and started hitting the bottle pretty hard, here's the Will It Blend? Halftime Extravaganza

5 songs on my iPod:

Misery: The BoDeans
You Never Evern Call Me By My Name: David Allan Coe
Low: Cracker
Quitter: Gas Giants
A Call To Apathy: The Shins

QOTD: Who do you blame the Bears' loss on (this can be members of the team, people you watched the game with, Prince, etc)?

We need about 8 more people in order to have two leagues. Right now, we're a little too big for one, too small for two. There's still time if you want in! Email me at

cubbiejulie (at) jbjoint (dot) com

Okay kids, it's not time YET to sign up for fantasy baseball. As far as I can tell, Yahoo is not yet allowing people to form leagues. However, in the interests of figuring out how many leagues/commissioners we need, please email your chosen commissioner as follows:

1) If you want to be in the Super-Competitive League (and I believe this is a highly sought after league, so there we are starting out with two separate leagues and two commissioners), email BCB reader Jimmy at titansmcm (at) gmail (dot) com or BCB reader DTJChris at ChrisGreising (at) gmail (dot)com. Here's what you can expect from Chris's Super-Competitive League:

Hey BCB'ers, this is Chris, a.k.a. DTJchris, and I am going to be the commish for one of the Super Competitive Leagues for Fantasy Baseball this year.  This league will be for the DEDICATED fantasy owner.  Honestly, this is for people who should probably seek addiction counseling or atleast hope their loved ones are setting up an intervention before they end up in the gutter clutching their fantasy baseball guide and muttering, "Bill James...Roto...".  

So anyway, yes, this is for the BCB'ers out there who are going to keep up for the ENTIRE year and not flake out after a month.  Oh, and by the way, smack talk is encouraged!  The cool kids don't have to have all the fun.  

Looking forward to kicking some Super Competitive ass.

2) If you want to be in the Semi-Competitive League, you should email BCB reader tcjhawk at

ateam111 (at) charter (dot) net

Here's what you can expect from this league:

The semi-competitive league will be a fantasy league for the serious baseball fan that doesn't have enough time to be super-competitive.  Pre-draft planning is frowned upon.  Participants may follow MLB trades, signing, waivers, and DFA's, although a participant is not to come to this league's draft with any written draft plan.  You make your decisions based on gut instincts only.  Participants need to be willing to stick with there team through the season.  No one is allowed to ignore their team because they are in last place by May 1st.  

Drinking during the draft is encouraged.  

Trash talking is allowed, but anyone getting too carried away will be referred to Julie for the 2008 season.  

We will play Yahoo's Head-to-Head version of fantasy baseball.

The LIVE draft will take place on a date to be announced at around 9pm on a weekday evening during the last week in March (that way rosters/injuries will be set/known).

3) If you want to be in the Cool Kids Smack Talk League, email me at:

cubbiejulie (at) jbjoint (dot) com

I think the title of this league is self-explanatory. We'll be competitive, but out more for fun than anything. Smack talk and drinking are not only encouraged but required (exceptions will be made for those with prior alcohol issues).

4) If you want to be in the Beer Pong league, email flyball at:

bcbflyball (at)yahoo (dot) com

Here's what you can expect from flyball's league:

So, you want to play Fantasy Baseball?  But, while addicted to baseball, you're more likely to be found at the nearest bar watching the game, than at home checking the stats.  Well I have a league for you!  

Yeah, we all love the hardcore Fantasy Baseball folks, with their stats and matchups and knowledge of every bench player on the Devil Rays, heck we even wish we had the time to be one of them.  But while addicted to baseball, its more of the hanging at the bar watching kind than comparing stats kind of addiction.  Well, now there is a league just for you.  We're going to be chiling with a once a week, head to head match up, all the fun of smack talking, but no penalties for staying out too late Saturday night and missing roster changes.  Plus in the spirit of not knowing where the evening leads, I'll throw in a few of the more random stats, because we all want to see Barry Bonds get beaned, so you might as well get points if your pitcher does it.  

Its the Beer Pong League, bragging rights every matchup, and somewhere along the line someone is keeping a little chalkboard of the totals at the end of the night.   No lightweights allowed, we  go til we kick the keg, party doesn't end til the season does.

5) Finally, if you want to be in the Slacker league, email BCB reader raalic17 at

raalickeller (at) gmail (dot) com

Here is what you can expect from the Slacker league:

Fellow BCB Slackers...the day of reckoning is near.  Or...at least it will be whenever I decide to get out of bed...oh, and probably not until after I watch some Animal Cops Detroit.  I might just stay in bed though.  But, you know, whenever I'm up and about...wait, what was I talkin' about again?..

Oh yeah!  The Slacker League!  This league is for those who love playing fantasy baseball, but just can't find the time needed to really excell at it.  Kind of like life.  

So if you turn in your homework two weeks late (we had homework?), or sometimes forget you have a computer (when did I get that really fancy typewriter?), or just don't really care that much ("Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a s***), head on over to the Slacker League!  Where EVERY DAY you can expect...well...not a whole lot!

Here's to having no priorities whatsoever.

Remember, we are probably going to need more commissioners before this thing is done, so if you want to head up a league, feel free to drop me an email.

Play (fantasy) ball!

I stopped off yesterday to see the George S. Halas NFC Championship Trophy at City Hall, and it is BEEYOOOTIFUL. Let's hope we have one more trophy to add to the case.

We being today with our good friends at The Onion, who have some insight into what efforts Rex is putting into not choking this weekend:

Rex Grossman Purposely Doesn't Tell Family, Friends He's In Super Bowl

MIAMI--Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman informed his teammates yesterday that he isn't going to tell his family and friends he's playing in Super Bowl XLI. "If I tell them, I know they'll watch, and that's just added pressure I don't need," said Grossman, adding that the last time he informed his parents he was playing in a football game, he threw three interceptions and posted a quarterback rating of 1.3 against the Minnesota Vikings. "If I do well, I can always send them a tape." Upon hearing that Grossman would not be using his standard allotment of tickets, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly inquired about purchasing them, saying he only needed five more to accommodate all of his 435 friends and family members.

While Rex is busy with subterfuge, the Bears resort to special effects to give them the edge Sunday:

Bears Deny Placing Snow, Fog Machines On Dolphin Stadium Sidelines

MIAMI--The owners, coaching staff, and equipment managers of the Chicago Bears continue to vehemently deny ownership of the 12 commercial-grade snowmaking machines and six fog generators that somehow appeared on the sidelines of Dolphin Stadium late Tuesday. "I have never seen these machines before, nor has the Chicago Bears organization ever needed to use such things in the course of football operations, as our home stadium is usually well-supplied with both snow and fog," barely discernible Bears head coach Lovie Smith said while standing hip-deep in a snowdrift during his Wednesday-night press conference. "The point is they're here now and we'll just have to learn to live with it--football players, journalists, and prissy indoor-team members alike." Coach Smith went on to say that he would file a formal protest with the league to remove the domed roof that mysteriously appeared on the top of Dolphin Stadium Wednesday morning.

Frankly, I think the Super Bowl SHOULD be played in somewhere with cold and snow. I hate watching football when it's sunny at the game. It just doesn't look right.

And from the "it's not funny because it's true" files:

Marvin Harrison can't decide how many times he'll burn Tillman

With less than a week to go until Super Bowl XLI, both the Colts and the Bears are finalizing their game plans. The Bears hope to stop Indy's passing attack by putting Charles Tillman on Marvin Harrison, an idea that has the Colts wideout pumped up.

"Did you see what Steve Smith did to Tillman in last year's playoffs?" asked Harrison. "Plus, that dude is a midget. I mean, they call him 'peanut.' Who knows how many times I'm gonna burn him on Sunday?"

Harrison and teammate Reggie Wayne then began listing the ways; everything from the hitch-and-go to the skinny post to the 20-yard out. After about 10 minutes of discussion and almost forgetting to include a one-handed sideline catch, they settled on 14.

"I wouldn't be surprised if they run him out of Chicago after this one," said Harrison. "I might even catch a couple with my eyes closed."

Just try to stay with him, Peanut. That's all we ask. Did anyone see the laughable story in the Trib claiming that Tillman is better than "L.A." Mike Richardson? Ha! Mike Richardson might be the best pure tackler this franchise has ever had. No one EVER broke his tackles. Peanut gets schooled on a weekly basis. Besides, everyone knows the LA Mike don't mess around. Plus, he could shake 'em and break 'em any time of day. Stupid Trib.

Dear God, I pity this poor woman:

CANCUN, Mexico - He is called "Super Tonio," and at a whopping birth weight of 14.5 pounds, the little fellow is causing a sensation in this Mexican resort city.

Cancun residents have crowded the nursery ward's window to see Antonio Vasconcelos, who was born early Monday by Caesarean section. The baby drinks 5 ounces of milk every three hours, and measures 22 inches in length.

In a related story, Super Tonio's mother has left her husband and entered a convent in Peru. Thank God for c-sections.

Do you spend a lot of time at Home Depot? Tired of the neighbors? Looking to relocate? Too much gravity weighing you down? Then NASA wants you:

Imagine a world where microwave-beaming rovers cook dust into concrete landing pads ... where your living quarters are dropped onto the land from above, then inflated like an inner tube ... where the grit is so abrasive that even the robots have to wear protective coveralls.

It may sound like science fiction, but these are actually some of the ideas being floated as part of NASA's plan to build a permanent moon base starting in 2010. To follow through on those sky-high ideas, the space agency is turning to some down-to-earth experts, ranging from polar researchers to miners and earth-movers.

"We will be looking outside the agency quite a bit as well as inside the agency," said Larry Toups, habitation systems lead for NASA's Constellation Program Office. "We have a lot of folks here who are very innovative and understand the space environment quite a bit, but you do have a lot of expertise outside NASA as well, and we intend to involve those folks."

Haha! Finally! Will It Blend? comes through!

5 songs on my iPod:

Thinking About You: Norah Jones
Phantom Limb: The Shins
Kiss: Prince
From The Morning: Nick Drake
Kiss Me Baby: The Beach Boys

QOTD: Who is your favorite Bear, past or present? (other than Sweetness, who is everyone's favorite)

Me? Easy. Danimal. He's my guy.

What's up with all the nostalgia here today? You all make me want to call my dad and sob "Dad?!?!! Wanna have a catch?"

So here's something to make us all laugh, especially if, like I do, you have Vikings fans in your family:

Vikings fans rooting for Colts in Super Bowl
'Polis' suffix is close enough for them

After yet another football season marred by failed expectations and sub-par play, Minneapolis Vikings fans, tired of the success of their NFC rival Chicago Bears, have decided to root for the Indianapolis Colts due to the suffix of "Polis" shared in both cities' names.

"We're just tired of rooting for a losing team," said Mike Johnson, a disgruntled Vikings fan. "It's been a rough couple of years, so we figure, hell, at least there is a winning team from a city that sort of sounds like our city. Ish. Why not root for them?"

Johnson also pointed out other similarities between Minneapolis and Indianapolis.

"They're both metropolises, which is another word that ends in 'Polis'. They're also both in the Midwest. It's also cold in both cities right now," he said. "I could go on and on."

When further questioned about his new found love for the Indianapolis Colts, Johnson added, "The Colts are practically the same team as the Vikings, anyway. Right? Right? Hello?"

Heh. My poor husband is soooo miserable this week. Hee.

And a funny from The Onion

Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation's Growing Spider Menace

WASHINGTON, DC--Following the tragic falling death of 32-year-old methamphetamine addict Phillip Diggs, who was reportedly attacked by spiders while scaling a large construction crane near Palo Alto, CA, thousands of outraged and confused meth addicts marched frenetically on Washington as part of a week of activities urging the federal government to address the nation's growing spider epidemic.

Harlowe pleads with senators to ask the King of America to do something about "all the goddamned spiders."
"Something needs to be done and it needs to be done soon--these spiders are everywhere," said Rich Harlowe, event organizer and founder of Tweakers' Rights NowNowNowNowNowNowNowNowNow!, in testimony before a Senate committee Tuesday. "The government must address this problem before the situation gets out of hand and these poisonous, acid-shooting spiders develop the powers of mind control or--God forbid--flight."

The rally drew addicts from every part of the country, many traveling on foot through the night, trading sex with truck drivers for rides, or stealing their brothers-in-law's bicycles. At dozens of rambling public speeches, organizers decried the fact that it took the spider-related death of an innocent meth addict to raise awareness of the issue, while lauding the bravery of meth addicts, and methamphetamines themselves.

A 45,000-word proposal was drafted by members of TRN during a marathon, 72-hour meeting under the Roosevelt Bridge, and presented twice to the Senate Indian Affairs Committee. The document, which includes schematics for the development of a giant "spider bomb" the size of Rhode Island, concludes repeatedly that the problem would best be combated with large quantities of methamphetamines and steel wool.

"These spiders are unstoppable," meth addict and self-described spider-hater Christine Mitchell said. "We've tried everything from scrubbing ourselves raw with bleach, to burning them off with lit cigarettes, to scrubbing ourselves raw with bleach. We've even tried burning them off with lit cigarettes. We're out of options."

Mitchell urged senators to form an anti-spider task force, but cautioned that the creatures' ability to appear and disappear at will would rule out a bleach-related "quick fix" solution to the infestation.

Several other unnamed addicts who wandered in and out of the hearings described their efforts to establish "an open dialogue" with the spiders, but said the arachnids responded by growing dramatically in size and speaking with the voices of John Goodman, Gene Hackman, and Rosie Perez, bringing the first round of negotiations to an abrupt end.

"We tried talking to them, we tried screaming at them, we tried bursting into uncontrollable crying fits in front of them, but nothing seemed to work," said one witness, who refused to divulge his name, age, or "who sent [him] here." "Even with human heads, they would not listen to reason."

You really have to click on the link and see the photo of the meth addict. Diet Coke. . .all over my screen.

There, now laugh and be merry.

You guys are going to love me, I found Part II of "Former Soap Stars Who Should Be Involuntarily Committed." Well, Hello!

The Heckler gives us an intimate look inside Lovie and Tony's special, special man-love:

Best friends forever: Smith, Dungy share a flight to Miami

If there is one story line that has already been beat into the ground it's that Super Bowl XLI head coaches are also best friends. The Colts' Tony Dungy and Bears' Lovie Smith are so tight the two traveled to Miami together this week, leaving their teams behind.

Smith surprised Dungy with plane tickets to Miami late last week telling his old pal that he wanted to spend some quality time together before the Super Bowl showdown.

"I did an Internet search for last-second deals to Miami and got a good one for just under $300 a ticket." Smith said. "We have a three hour layover in Atlanta but I bought a couple of crossword books to keep us busy."

Smith reported that he was unable to book the two seats next to each other, but he traded his window seat with a man and was able to squeeze into the seat next to a heavyset man and Dungy.

Win or lose in Super Bowl XLI, Dungy says the day of travel with his friend is one he'll cherish forever.

"I traded him my Sun Chips for his cookie. He let me read his magazine and I let him borrow my headphones." Dungy said. "No matter what happens during the game, the two of us will always have memories of that special flight to Miami."

This story makes me happy, then sad, because it makes me think of my own BFF, Linds, wasting away in some loser rehab somewhere. I know, Linds, I know that the last thing I said to you was "GET IT TOGETHER, ALCHY!" But I didn't mean it, not really. Now that we've had some space, I totally miss that deer-in-the-headlights looks you get right before you pass out. I  miss prank calling that skank Paris and pretending to be Meryl Streep's agent, telling her that Meryl TOTALLY wanted to, like, be in a movie or something with her. I haven't laughed about you puking on anyone for ages. <Sigh> I pass the time by looking at photos of you and at our Burn Book of unflattering pictures of Paris and the Olsen twins. Come back, Linds!

In other Super Bowl news, apparently Miami isn't turning out to be all Colts fans thought it was going to be:

Colts fan disappointed by Miami's lack of tractor parking
South Beach not 'farm equipment friendly'

Colts fan Billy Joe Smitherson was outraged this week when he found there's no place to park his tractor in the metro Miami area where he has traveled to root on his Colts against the Bears in Sunday's Super Bowl.

"I reckon this is hogwash," said Smitherson, a resident of Munster, Ind. "I drive my tractor to every Colts home game, and now I don't get to do it for the biggest game of the year."

Smitherson's tractor is painted Colts' blue and features a boom box that plays only John Mellencamp songs and two flags flying from a pole in the back. The top flag is a memorial to the late Dale Earnhardt, and the other is a Colts flag.

"How am I going to get fired up for the game without listening to the 'Coug'?" asked Smitherson. "Guess I'll just have to drink more 'Natty Light' to get into game mode."

Colts' fans' second-biggest complaint? Not enough love for Dale. Poor things.

Speaking of NASCAR, the 5th sign of the apocolypse revealed itself to mankind this week, when it was announced that the ol' Scottish Rite, otherwise known as the Freemasons, have sponsored a NASCAR. . uh. . car. I really have nothing to add to this, other than have you guys ever noitced that the "crossing the desert" is a lot like the "unblinking eye", and is exactly like the "Wreck of the Hesperus?"

Finally, "Will it Blend" is still slacking over there, gearing up for some big Super Bowl halftime show that they're too good to share with the rest of us. And, because I'm too lazy to really look for anything else all that interesting, please enjoy this video of cats being funny.

5 songs on my iPod:

Truly, Madly, Deeply: Ray Lamontagne
Bad: U2
Johnny, Kick a Hole in the Sky: RHCP
She Belongs To Me: Zimmerman
Question: Rhett Miller

QOTD:  What is your superhero identity?

This one is just for the league commissioners-to-be.

If you have the time and desire to be a fantasy league commissioner in 2007, please email me at:

 cubbiejulie (at) jbjoint (dot) com.

Please let me know what league you would like to run, keeping in mind that we will probably wind up needing more than one smack-talk, super-competitive, and slacker leagues. If you have an idea for another "themed" league, feel free to let let me know that, too. I'm thinking "beginner" might be another good one.

Release the emails! (ducks)

So says Jeff Borris:

"Baseball fans around the world owe Barry Bonds a debt of gratitude for being lucky enough to watch him play. He should be treasured by the national pastime, and a grand celebration by the commissioner's office should be in order." - Jeff Borris, Bonds's agent

Sorry. Had to share. Couldn't stop laughing.