The Auburn Tigers were last seen racing to a barely contested 14-0 lead against Georgia last Saturday night, then frittering it away and leaving Athens with a 31-24 loss. Evidently, though, a lead isn't the only thing Auburn's players can't hold in Sanford Stadium:

As an eagle-eyed spectator noticed (along with most of the UGA student section, apparently), yes, that young man was indeed peeing in that little room, and no, nobody has any idea what they did with his, er, leavings.

Kentucky, our apologies in advance.

With just a shade under four weeks left to go before the 2009 season finally, mercifully kicks off, the coaches -- or, rather, their poor, put-upon assistants, with the exception of Steve Spurrier's, who isn't even being allowed to call in the OBC's take-out orders anymore after the Tim Tebow/All-SEC foofaraw -- have issued their preseason Top 25. The rankings are as follows:

1. Florida (53 first-place votes)
2. Texas (4)
3. Oklahoma (1)
4. Southern California (1)
5. Alabama
6. Ohio State
7. Virginia Tech
8. Penn State
9. LSU
10. Ole Miss
11. Oklahoma State
12. California
13. Georgia
14. Oregon
15. Georgia Tech
16. Boise State
17. Texas Christian
18. Utah
19. Florida State
20. North Carolina
21. Iowa
22. Nebraska
23. Notre Dame
24. Brigham Young
25. Oregon State

Others receiving votes: Kansas, Michigan State, Texas Tech, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, West Virginia, Rutgers, Miami (Florida), Missouri, Illinois, Clemson, South Carolina, UCLA, Auburn, Nevada, South Florida, Kentucky, North Carolina State, Arkansas, Wisconsin, Northwestern, Southern Miss, Wake Forest, Arizona, Boston College, Central Michigan, East Carolina, Colorado, Maryland, Navy, Tennessee, Houston, Michigan, Minnesota, Troy.

Curiosities, travesties, and other things that struck me after the jump -- along with y'all's chance to tear this thing up yourselves.

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Never before in the history of warfare had there been a continuing explosive; indeed, up to the middle of the twentieth century the only explosives known were combustibles whose explosiveness was due entirely to their instantaneousness; and these atomic bombs which science burst upon the world that night were strange even to the men who used them.

NARRATOR (V/O): You're watching "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." Percy Harvin was one of the most talented athletes in college football history: A five-foot, eleven-inch receiver out of Virginia Beach, he broke records as an all-purpose offensive player for the University of Florida, totaling 32 career touchdowns and helping to revolutionize the role of the wide receiver in the modern-day spread offense. He was drafted in the first round by the Minnesota Vikings and signed a five-year contract worth more than $14 million.

Scene: A classroom in a Florida high school. A dozen or so high-school football players are seated at the desks; PERCY HARVIN, flanked by the high-schoolers' coaches as well as some of his own former coaches, stands behind a podium at the front of the room.

NARRATOR (V/O): Harvin had a speaking engagement at a high school in Florida to tell some potential Florida recruits about his time at the university and how it prepared him for the NFL, when one of the students asked him a fairly innocuous question.

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If you're an SEC fan of a certain vintage, you probably have vivid memories of former Kentucky head coach Hal Mumme: looked like Ted Danson's awkward younger brother, called plays like a desperate bizarro-world Steve Spurrier, and was characterized by the near-constant presence of a jaunty neck towel that had to have been perpetually sodden with the floppiest of flop sweats. His four-year tenure at UK read like the Cliffs Notes version of a Scorsese mafia epic -- lifted the Wildcats up out of decades-long obscurity to only their third back-to-back bowl appearances in program history, but painted this veneer of success on a rickety structure of malfeasance and staff infighting, and flamed out in the third act as player payments were exposed and the 'Cats were pile-driven into 2-9 embarrassment. Mumme is now the head coach at Division III McMurry University, which currently does not have a name or mascot for any of its athletic teams as a result of the NCAA striking down its former nickname, the Indians, on the basis that it could be seen as offensive to Native Americans.

I've got my towel, I've cut all the checks . . . let's light this candle.

As Mumme prepares for his first season at McMurry, Lexington Herald-Leader columnist John Clay took it upon himself to track down Mumme's UK staff and find out where they'd ended up. What he found was less than inspiring: Of Mumme and his 11 original assistants from 1997, only five are employed at D-IA programs in any capacity; four are college head coaches; two are coaching at the high-school level; and two are out of coaching entirely (though one of them has the convenient excuse of being dead since 2006).

The most successful of these gentlemen, obviously, is Mike Leach, currently leading his rowdy band of pirates at Texas Tech to regular bowl appearances; oddly enough, the guys with the next most prestigious jobs on the list were mere graduate assistants under Mumme. Chris Hatcher is the head coach at Georgia Southern (and being mentioned with increasing frequency as a candidate for D-IA jobs), while Sonny Dykes is breathing life into a formerly moribund passing attack as Arizona's offensive coordinator.

There is, of course, one guy who still rates a grade of "incomplete": Tony Franklin, running backs coach under Mumme and currently offensive coordinator at MTSU. At the moment, Franklin is known primarily for being the catalyst that started the Tommy Tuberville administration down the road to doom in its last year at Auburn, a dubious distinction indeed; but if he can work the same wonders at MTSU that he did at Troy, who knows, he might have a D-IA coaching gig in him yet, thereby eclipsing both his old bosses something fierce. The spread offense indeed works in mysterious ways.

No matter how big a guy might be, Nicky would take him on. You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And if you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he'll keep comin' back and back until one of you is dead.

I've always wanted to hunt the most dangerous game . . . Ohio State fans.

Senator Blutarsky laid down the challenge, and T. Kyle King, who hates Auburn -- boy, does he ever hate Auburn -- responded with every bit of the gusto you'd expect and then some. So now the only question is, is 100 Things Fans Should Know and Do Before They Die just an Auburn thing, or is this book part of a series? Naturally, it's the latter, meaning that in addition to a team-specific tailgating tent, leather sofa, or casket, you can now have a bucket list tailored to the college football team of your choice.

Even leaving out all the baseball-themed volumes -- is "Stay awake through an entire MLB game" on any of those lists? It should be -- we don't have the time to slog through every one of these books, much less the resources to buy all of 'em. But that ain't gonna stop us from making some educated guesses as to what's on each list. Here's what we'd include, if we were instructing individual fan bases as to how they can optimize their respective fandoms before shuffling off their respective mortal coils:

ALABAMA
* Pick three random years out of the past century and make a case for Alabama deserving a share of the national title in each of those years in a letter to the editor, comment on a rival blog, or graffito spray-painted on an opposing team's stadium.
* Get a houndstooth-patterned prosthesis or medical implant (i.e. hip replacement, pacemaker, or IUD).
* Cut off an Auburn fan's ear whilst listening to Stealers Wheel's "Stuck in the Middle With You."

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This week Mustache Wednesday pays tribute to a fellow who was taken before his time but still managed to pack more livin' into 51 years than the rest of us probably could in twice that long: Mexico City-born actor and renaissance hombre Pedro Armendáriz.

Armendáriz got an engineering degree from Cal Poly and variously worked for the railroad, a bilingual magazine, and the Mexican tourism board, but was discovered by a Mexican film director after reciting the monologue from Hamlet to an American tourist; he went on to appear in more than 100 films, including "Fort Apache" and "The Conqueror." Later in life he was diagnosed with cancer and eventually committed suicide rather than slowly waste away -- but not before toughing it out through the production of "From Russia With Love," in which he plays Kerim Bey, head of Station T in Istanbul and the one man in Turkey who can match James Bond in terms of connections, ladyslaying skills, and sheer badassery.

Below the jump, Armendáriz assists the equally well-mustachioed Francis de Wolff in presiding over the film's infamous "gypsy catfight" scene. Happy Mustache Wednesday and mee-yoww, motherfuckers.

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The U.S. House of Representatives certainly has never had a shortage of complete nutcakes, but ever since former Rep. Tom Osborne (R-NE) declined to run for re-election in 2006 (in favor of an ultimately unsuccessful run for governor), it has been regrettably short on former coaching legends. According to the Orlando Sentinel, though, next year the House may have a shot at bolstering its numbers in both categories: Former Notre Dame head coach and current ESPN talking/babbling head Lou Holtz has been talking to national Republican leaders about the possibility of running against incumbent Rep. Suzanne Kosmas for the Congressional seat representing Florida's 24th district. Granted, there's probably a case to be made that Holtz couldn't be that much worse than must of the fruit cups currently representing us on Capitol Hill, but the mere concept remains so intensely, willfully surreal on its face that there can only be one possible purpose for it: grooming a suitably bonkers running mate for Sarah Palin's inevitable 2012 presidential campaign.

Palin/Holtz '12: In your heart, you know it'd be hilarious.

What kind of a representative/VP would Sweet Lou be? Well, we already know he'd be a big fat no on the Kyoto Protocols. If his continuing close relationship with Notre Dame is any indication, we can also assume he'd swing solidly to the right on all the hot-button social issues -- abortion, euthanasia, the right of Michigan and Ohio State fans to intermarry, that sort of thing. As far as clues from his actual coaching career, we can assume he'd be dedicated to building a strong national defense, but that he'd also follow a fairly strict non-interventionist policy (unless you can find any evidence that his South Carolina teams mounted any offense whatsoever). As far as we're concerned, the wild card here is health care: If he's going to run as a Republican, the obvious assumption is that he's against Obama's health-care proposal, but you have take into account his unclear stance on drug benefits and his casual distribution of advice (as a "Doctor" on ESPN) that was, at best, quasi-solicited -- there's a possibility he'd be down for a lot more government involvement there than the GOP would like. (All together now: MAVERICK!)

As for potential appointments or staff members, it's probably early to be speculating on those as well, but one name seems like a pretty safe bet: Beano Cook as assistant for national security affairs, the Scooter Libby to Lou's Dick Cheney? Yeah, you laugh now. Just see if he doesn't.

O God! methinks it were a happy life,
To be no better than a homely swain;
To sit upon a hill, as I do now,
To carve out dials quaintly, point by point,
Thereby to see the minutes, how they run,
How many make the hour full complete;
How many hours bring about the day;
How many days will finish up the year;
How many years a mortal man may live.

Worried about the Big 10's recent habit of face-planting in high-profile out-of-conference games? Jim Delany isn't:

"In any particular time frame, could be three years, could be five years, could be two years, you could get your ass kicked, OK?" Delany continued. "It can happen. We’re not playing Little Sisters of the Poor. We’re playing the best football teams in their region.

"So were we 1-6 (in bowl games) last year? Yeah. Were we 0-6 in the BCS in the last (three years)? We were. Those are the facts. But take me from 2000 or 1997 to 2005; I remember when Michigan played Ohio State [in 2006]. We were the toast of the town, one versus two, game of the century."

Jim Delany's not too worried about it, really. He wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about it. He's not worried at all.

Sounds like a reasonably nonchalant response to the issue, even if, as Doc Saturday humbly points out, it's a problem that isn't likely to resolve itself this season no matter what Delany says. For all the criticism we've heaped on the Big 10 commissioner over the past couple years, he sounds like a guy who takes a level-headed, matter-of-fact approach to problems instead of panicking, which is the kind of trait you'd want in not only a conference commish but also . . . an advice columnist:

Dear Big 10 Commish,
My husband and I have three children: a son who is in college and two daughters, a 16-year-old and a 10-year-old. My older daughter was an A student all through elementary and middle school, but her grades have deteriorated markedly since she started high school. She has a boyfriend now and has been spending a lot more time with him and his clique of friends, and a lot less time studying or helping out around the house; she hasn't been particularly combative toward me or my husband, but that's mainly because we hardly ever see her at all. A couple weeks ago I found what looked like the remnants of a marijuana cigarette on our back patio; I asked her if she knew anything about it and she said she didn't, and that she had never tried marijuana or any other drugs. Can I trust her? Is it time for me to put my foot down and make her stop spending as much time with her boyfriend, or will that only drive her further away?
Concerned Mother in Battle Creek

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If you've devoured Michael Lewis's endlessly fascinating The Blind Side (as we have) and followed the amusing updates of cameos by Saban, the Orgeron, et al in the upcoming film adaptation (ditto), then you've probably been waiting with bated breath for the film's wide release in November. If that's the case, then Chris Mottram is going to throw some very cold water on those dreams, for he's got the film's trailer up over at Mr. Irrelevant, and . . . well, see for yourself:

Got that? Did you count up all the things that looked wrong? Good, now check the answer key after the jump and let's see how you did:

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The local rabble who've spent much of the past couple weeks going nuclear on Paul Finebaum for daring to suggest any comparison between Urban Meyer and Bear Bryant will be gratified to hear: The Bear haunted Meyer on his first visit to Bryant-Denny! At least that's how Urbs seems to describe it:

Urban Meyer remembers two things in particular from his first road trip to Alabama in his first season at Florida.

Before and after that visit to Bryant-Denny Stadium, he heard voices.

During warm-ups, he said, "I'm standing near the goal post. They flip that scoreboard on. Bear Bryant is right there talking to me. I'll never forget that."

But that pregame blast from the past didn't speak as loudly as the postgame critics. They saw Alabama 31, Florida 3 as a sign that Meyer wasn't going to change the future of the SEC.

Not a painting by Larry Pitts but an actual, unretouched photo, evidently.

HA HA SUCK IT MEYER RAMMER JAMMER HEY GATORS WE JUST BEAT THE HELL OUTTA YOUUUUU! Yeah, the rest of the story is a lot of stuff about the spread offense and about how it's changing the SEC and blah blah blah, but no matter how dominating the spread becomes, it'll never match the booming, beyond-the-grave voice of Paul W. Bryant in terms of sheer pants-crapping, bitchmaking terror.

Orrrr . . . maybe it will. Later on in the article:

"I think Florida has a great offense. I think it's very difficult to defend. So I'm not being critical. But it is different."

Saban should know.

His Alabama defense was dominant last season as the Crimson Tide rolled through the regular season 12-0. Then it faced two of the most prominent proponents of the spread offense, Florida in the SEC Championship Game and Utah in the Sugar Bowl.

Alabama surrendered a season-high 31 points to both the Gators and the Utes and lost both games.

Christ, Bryant, where were you for those two games, guy? Perhaps the Bear really is like God: He answers all prayers, but sometimes the answer is no.

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

I've already had one request this morning for "Tim Tebow Song," a YouTube music video posted by a couple of enterprising Florida fans and currently spreading like chlamydia, no doubt, through cyberspace. After consulting my What Would Orson Do bracelet, I've determined that he would post it, if for no other reason than to torture you all like the filthy beggars you are. Herewith: "Tim Tebow Song."

(Hat tip/blame: Senator Blutarsky, gouging out his eyes as we speak.)

During one of our post-SEC-media-days evening wind-downs, I overheard our fearless leader Orson, in a telephone trash-talk exchange with one of our illustrious Big XII partisans, describe Big XII Media Days as "the second guy in a DP scene" compared to the SEC. If that's the case, then Pac-10 Media Day must be the guy holding the boom mike, as evidenced by this mob scene (courtesy of Scott Wolf from Inside USC) from new Pac-10 commissioner Larry Scott's podium appearance last Thursday:

PRESEEZUN BUZZ: UR DOIN IT WRONG. Seriously, Pac-10, that is bush. In the interest of a more literary comparison, if SEC Media Days is "Animal House" -- a lot of shenanigans go on, nobody really learns anything, but nobody gets hurt -- then Pac-10 Media Day (yup, that's Day, singular) is the equivalent of a Tom Stoppard play: very low-key and dignified, a lot of people talk for what seems like a very long time, but in the end nothing happens.

As further evidence of just how much Scott's appearance fizzled, Oregon coach Chip Kelly brought the house down, comparatively speaking, with his explanation of how his spread offense relates to the Pythagorean theorem. (As someone who counts finagling his way out of AP Calculus in high school as one of his life's greatest victories, I find this inconceivable: Math?!? In college football? Too complicated! FIRE BAD!) Even Dennis Erickson's interview with Fanster.com was positively vanilla (not to mention barely audible), with Erickson offering up nary a story about golf carts, volcanoes, drunken sexual shenanigans in the Far East, or any of the other things for which you'd bother to listen to such an interview in the first place.

Meanwhile, even Big XII Media Days gave fans more excitement in a single tattoo on Brandon Carter's skull than the Pac-10 had in an entire day. Clearly, Pac-10, you guys need an adrenaline shot, but we, the SEC, are willing to provide it. How 'bout we loan Clay Travis out to you for future Media Days, just to liven things up a bit? Once you've watched Aaron Corp field the question of whether he's saving himself for marriage, your eyes will be opened to a whole new world of possibilities.

Breaking news out of Honolulu, and obviously important enough to merit its own post: Hawaii head coach Greg McMackin has been docked a month's pay for his uncharitable, sexual-preference-based characterization of Notre Dame's pre-Hawaii Bowl rug-cuttin'. Officially, McMackin will be coaching the team for the next 30 days on a "volunteer" basis, with the money he would be getting paid instead being detoured to fund an intern for a campus LGBT group.

(Pre-emptive righteous-indignation stifling: McMackin's free-speech rights aren't being violated by any of this. The 1st Amendment prevents the federal government from prosecuting you for something you've said; it doesn't bar your employers from fining you for making them look like a bunch of troglodytes. Thanks, carry on.)

With that out of the way, all that's left is to sweep up the pieces. Can we expect an Obama-style "beer summit" between McMackin, the UH president, and Charlie Weis? Or would a "cosmo summit" with McMackin and the head of the Human Rights Campaign be more appropriate? We're confident that any institution whose athletic teams were once nicknamed the "Rainbow Warriors" can be trusted to do the right thing here.