SB Nation User Blog: ghtd36

Alternative Big XII Power Rankings, Edward Norton Edition

ghtd36 — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:36:31 -0000

Power rankings are all the rage right now. But most suck. Why? Because they’re boring.

No, no, here at Rock M Nation, we need to have a much better system of power rankings. Much more…stupid.

As such, this week, we need to use Edward Norton.

I don’t think there’s much debate that the Edward Norton is the single greatest actor that has ever lived. Marlon Brando? Chump change. Humphrey Bogart? This is me rolling my eyes. Cary Grant, James Stewart, Clark Gable? What is this, amateur hour?

So, I’ve compiled my Big XII power rankings, and assigned each team a character that Edward Norton portrayed. And away we go.

1) Texas
Character: The Incredible Hulk, The Incredible Hulk

Seemingly unstoppable, the Hulk is one of the biggest badasses around. Whenever he wants (and sometimes when they don’t want), they can turn it on and dominate. Problem is, he’s not invincible. There’s a way to defeat the Longhorns (not turning the ball over, establishing some semblance of the run, sitting two safeties deep) just like there’s a way to defeat the Hulk (messing with his genes, or lots of tanks, one of the two). Either way, it’s probably best just to stay out of his way.

Nos. 2-12 after the jump.

2) Oklahoma State
Character: Eisenheim the Illusionist, The Illusionist

Sure, Eisenheim is pretty good at what he does. But as the tagline of the movie says, "Nothing is what it seems." It is very possible that it’s all smoke and mirrors, and the Cowboys are just trying to escape on a train out of town with Jessica Biel. Not that I would blame them.

3) Oklahoma
Character: Derek Vinyard, American History X

Let’s get this out of the way: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH NEO-NAZIISM. There. Said. No, Derek Vinyard was a guy you absolutely did not want to mess with a while ago, but he has since softened since he got out of the joint. Now, he’s still the kind of guy you want no piece of, especially when he feels DISRESPECTED, but without the swagger that he used to have, you can’t take him as seriously. He’s become a lot more like everyone else.

4) Kansas
Character: Steve Frazelli, The Italian Job

Steve is a solid villain who is actually winning (has the gold) for the majority of the movie, but does anyone, at any point in the movie, really think that he’s going to come away with the gold in the end? Beyond that, Kansas is here because someone has to be here, much like that Norton took this role only because he had a contractual obligation he had to fulfull.

5) Texas Tech
Character: Will Graham, Red Dragon

Graham is an obviously flawed person, but is scary in his own right. I mean, the dude can relate to serial killers. That’s not cool. He could snap and kill anyone at any time. That’s not the kind of person you necessarily want to mess with. That said, he spends most of his time being harmless as opposed to becoming a merciless killing machine. Tech also gets the Graham nod because their coach is a lunatic.

6) Kansas State
Character: Sheldon "Smoochy" Mopes, Death To Smoochy

Big. Purple. I mean, really, does anyone take this guy seriously?

7) Iowa State
Character: Nameless protagonist, Fight Club

If anything, the only reason we pay attention to this guy is because he’s new, sort of interesting and we know nothing about him. After a while, he’s certainly got the potential to be serious threat to others. But in the end, he’s so crazy that you really don’t know what’s going to happen. Not that that’s a bad thing.

8) Nebraska
Character: Les "Worm" Murphy, Rounders

Worm has to make up for the transgressions of his past before anybody respects him again. So far, things aren’t going great. He lives and dies by the "big play," and considering his current situation, he’s been doing a lot of dying.

9) Missouri
Character: Father Brian Finn, Keeping The Faith

Things have been good for Father Finn in the past couple years -- after all, he’s known that all this stuff in his life was the way he was supposed to work for a while. But hiccups and changes in recent days have led to a lot of questions being asked. In the end, it’s probably for the best that he just persevere through these questioning times. But that doesn’t make the questions any easier to answer.

10) Texas A&M
Character: Aaron Stampler, Primal Fear

It’s crazy guy in a fight syndrome. There’s something not right about Stampler from the get-go…but you can’t put your finger on it. He looks like, no, absolutely not, there’s no way that he could have killed that priest. Right? RIGHT? Then he snaps, goes crazy, looks like a total sociopath and looks capable of murdering anyone. But then, pow, right back to the normal stuff. I mean…this dude scares me, but not too much.

11) Colorado
Character: Alan Isaacman, The People vs. Larry Flynt

I mean, really…are you sure you still want to defend that guy?

12) Baylor
Character: King Baldwin of Jerusalem, Kingdom of Heaven

Respect was never the problem for King Baldwin. People love the man, a lot, especially at the beginning. But ever since he came down with leprosy, it’s hard to take him really seriously. He’s just kind of treading water, since his body is failing him. But boy, do we feel bad for him.

Happy 71st birthday, Doc Brown.

ghtd36 — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:45:06 -0000

Happy 71st birthday, Doc Brown.

Missouri's Manchurian Candidate scenario nearing glorious completion

ghtd36 — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:57:22 -0000

Missouri's Manchurian Candidate scenario nearing glorious completion

That's to say, Mike Alden has been named President of the Division 1A Athletic Directors' Association.

Congratulations to Alden on what is clearly a big honor.

(Muahahahaha...)

Tracy Jordan finally weighs in on Blaine Gabbert's ability to throw long.

ghtd36 — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:26:21 -0000

Tracy Jordan finally weighs in on Blaine Gabbert's ability to throw long.

Sept. 19 Night Shift Open Thread

ghtd36 — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 00:12:51 -0000

Know what would be fun? An open thread to discuss the night games tonight.

The big one is Texas Tech traveling to Austin to face Texas, but there are some other good ones going on, including Cincinnati vs. Oregon State, LSU vs. UL-Lafayette, BYU vs. Florida State and TCU taking on my mom's alma mater, Southwest Texas State University (or Texas State, if you hate tradition).

Discuss.

'The Sooners Go to the Hospital': a dramatic re-enactment

ghtd36 — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:23:49 -0000

This is the fourth installment of the "Sooner Disrespect Chronicles." For background, please read the previous installments:

PART ONE: ‘The Sooners Have a Gift Exchange’

PART TWO: ‘The Sooners Ride an Airplane’

PART THREE: ‘The Sooners Have a Chat’

SCENE: The Sooners, fresh off their 14-13 season-opening loss to BYU, sit in a room at Norman Regional Hospital.

SAM BRADFORD: Con sarn-it! Dang it all to heck! Crap, crap, crap!

JERMAINE GRESHAM: (lying in a hospital bed) Whoa, Sam, take it easy! You never swear like this!

BRADFORD: I know, but I’m just so tooting mad that we lost and that I got hurt! Now I’m not going to be able to play for at least three weeks, and it could be as many as six! Stinkin’ sassafras!

GRESHAM: (sitting up) Trust me, I know how you feel. My knee is killing me, but what hurts even more is that I’m out for the season! This really is the pits.

BRADFORD: And now that we lost to BYU fair and square, I’m not sure we’ll get a chance to get back to the national championship game. Geez Louise, that’s the worst!

GRESHAM: Now, we don’t know that, Sam. You could come back healthy, and who knows? Maybe our backups can...

/door flies open

BOB STOOPS: (limping in on crutch, meekly) Hi guys.

BRADFORD: C-Coach Stoops? Oh my heavens, what happened?

/team gathers around Stoops

STOOPS: It was terrible. One minute, I’m writing prayer notes to cloister nuns, and the next… (swallows hard)…the next minute, I’m…I’m lying face down on the floor, with my ankle injured beyond belief.

FRANK ALEXANDER: (looking up from playing a far-too-violent rendition of the "stop hitting yourself" game with a helpless 8-year-old leukemia patient) WHAAAAAAAT? WHO DID THIS TO YOU, COACH?!? WHO DISRESPECTED YOU LIKE THIS?!?

STOOPS: I really have no idea, Franklin my son. Well…except for…

ALEXANDER: (still yelling for some reason) EXCEPT FOR WHAT?!?

STOOPS: Well…as you know, I have a lot of security cameras in my house. And…well, I think I captured the assailants on camera. Here…(pulls photo out of pocket)…take a look.

BRADFORD: (sighs) Coach, stop it. That photo is clearly pho…

ALEXANDER: Z-O-M-G THATZ TEBOW AND COLT MCCOY! THEY’RE THE ONES WHO DISRESPECTED YOU!

STOOPS: Is it them? But why would they do such a thing?

ALEXANDER: RAAWWWWWWWWWRRR! DISRESPECT!

/goes "One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest" on the leukemia kid, whose name is Steven, still isn’t ejected

GRESHAM: Coach S, I’m not sure that’s a real photo.

STOOPS: (dropping crutch, walking normally over to Gresham) Are you calling me a liar, Jordache?

GRESHAM: It’s Jermaine, coach. And no, I’m not calling you a liar…I just…I just think…

STOOPS: THAT IS REAL! I don’t even own Microsoft Paint! How could I do such a thing? That’s a little ridiculous, don’t you think, Johnson & Johnson?

GRESHAM: But coach…

ALEXANDER: (unusually calm) Jermaine, I think what coach is trying to say is that no longer will he (voice raises to full throat) TOLERATE YOUR DISRESPECT!!!

/pokes Gresham in the bad knee

/Gresham weeps silently

BRADFORD: But now you’re walking, coach…how are you…

STOOPS: Listen boys. We’ve sustained some serious injuries over the past week. Sad Sammy Brads over here is out for God-knows-how-long. Our tight end Jennifer Grabass is completely useless to us. And now I’ve been struck by a devastating injury to my ankle.

/skips over to the doorway

STOOPS: But luckily, we’ve got backups. Great backups. Guys that can lead the way.

BRADFORD: (suddenly feeling better about the situation) Yeah, that’s right! We do have great backups! They can lead the way!

STOOPS: That’s right, Navajo Joe!

LANDRY JONES: (standing up) Well, coach, Sam’s got big shoes to fill, and I’m at a distinct disadvantage because…well…I’m devastatingly white. But I’m going to do my best!

TRENT RATTERREE: (standing up) And now that Locks of Love finally took my donation, I feel like I can definitely help out in place of Jermaine!

BRADFORD: Yeah! You guys can do it!

STOOPS: What? No. What are you guys even still doing here? I thought I cut you. Go play with Billy Sims.

RATTEREE AND JONES: Aw man

/both sulk outside, with "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMER" echoing through the hospital halls

/team looks around, confused

STOOPS: No, guys, I’ve gone out and recruited the best backup players that…um…savvy recruiting can…um…what’s another word besides "buy", Frankie?

ALEXANDER: (skimming through thesaurus) OBTAIN?!?

/eats thesaurus whole

STOOPS: Yeah, that’s it. Obtain. Boys…meet your new quarterback.

/door flies open

TOM BRADY: Hey guys. I’m taking time out of my busy schedule of playing for the Patriots and knocking up models before leaving them for even more beautiful models, so let’s hurry up and win this championship or whatever.

/pounds a Samuel Adams

BRADFORD: Coach, I’m pretty sure Tom Brady is totally and completely ineligible to…

STOOPS: And meet your new tight end.

/door flies open

KIMBO SLICE: Kimbo’s ready to roll, bitches.

BRADFORD: Now that’s just ridiculous. Coach, we can’t play with a mixed-martial artist. He doesn’t know anything about football!

/Slice pokes Bradford in the bad shoulder

/Bradford writhes in pain

/Slice and Alexander high-five

STOOPS: We can overcome this DISRESPECT, guys! BYU DISRESPECTED us in Arlington, and now it’s time to go beat Idaho State so we can get another shot at my assailants!

BRADFORD: (yelling) STOP IT!

/room, stunned by Bradford’s uncharacteristic outburst, falls silent

BRADFORD: Guys, c’mon! Injuries happen! It’s part of the game! But we can’t use that as an excuse to blame our coach’s fake injuries on Colt McCoy and Tim Tebow. And we can’t use that as an excuse to bring in the most bizarre ringers ever!

ALEXANDER: BUT…BUT…YOUR SHOULDER….HIS KNEE….DISRESPECT!!!

BRADFORD: It’s not disrespect, Frank. It’s football. Guys, we’re still a great team. We don’t need to constantly play the disrespect card! We’ve got great backups who can hold their own until we’re back at full strength. So what do you say? Can we end all this nonsense and just go play football?

/room, still silent, thinks

SLICE: (standing up, reading from script) I heard Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy, Bronco Mendenhall and that guy fromIdaho State all hate white people.

STOOPS: OMG HOW UNEXPECTED!

ALEXANDER: RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!! DISRESPECT!!!

/burns down every potato farm in Idaho

AUSTIN BOX: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you guys!

TOM BRADY: Whatever.

/watches "Good Will Hunting" thee times, chugs thirty Samuel Adams

/door flies open

RATTEREE: Does this guy ever freakin’ stop?

BILLY SIMS: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMER!

BRADFORD: God, the Lions sound so good right now.

"You don’t just walk into this joint and push a man like Blaine Gabbert around, no sir. His parents ...

ghtd36 — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:04:40 -0000

"You don’t just walk into this joint and push a man like Blaine Gabbert around, no sir. His parents named him "Blaine" to make him strong, like "A Boy Named Sue" or huge linemen named "Herman" or "Lesley." Also, the first-time starter had the privilege of playing against an extremely poorly coached team with no clear answer at running back, an ongoing and overtaxed enigma by the name of Juice Williams, and [NAME REDACTED} trying to spin plates at head coach. This all ends in broken crockery and you know it, so yes, let's repeat: 319 yards and 3 TDs in his first start for "Blaine." Name your son something effeminate, and he will turn into the biggest asskicker on the block. (Or become a transsexual bartender/ess. Life is gambling and gambling is life.)"

From the unparalleled Orson Swindle. That's certainly an interesting way to put it.

CJ Wilson's video diary for ESPN The Magazine. Funny stuff from BGL, O'Day and Mathis.

ghtd36 — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:38:55 -0000

CJ Wilson's video diary for ESPN The Magazine. Funny stuff from BGL, O'Day and Mathis.

Brewers DFA Bill Hall

ghtd36 — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 17:29:30 -0000

Brewers DFA Bill Hall

Milwaukee now officially in full demolition mode.

Hall's OPS last 5 years:
2005: .837
2006: .899
2007: .740
2008: .689
2009: .606

Owed $6.8 mil this year, $8.4 mil next year, and a club option for 2011 of $9.25 mil ($500k buyout).

OT: Favre to remain retired

ghtd36 — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 21:30:37 -0000

OT: Favre to remain retired

A little surprising, if you ask me.