Monday night while I was not watching Monday Night Football (hey, give me some better matchups and I'll tune in...I ain't spending 3 hours watching the Browns and Jaguars battle to a 3-3 tie AND and hour watching the same Geico commercial) I got an unexpected knock on on my door. I wasn't really expecting company, but I was pretty drunk as I had spent the whole day kissing cans of beer instead of going to work...so I figured, f*ck it. Imagine my surprise when I opened the front door of my apartment and found myself staring into the face of the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and (for some reason) my current favorite football player, Tony Romo.

It was the day after a rough outing against the Eagles, and I gotta say it was one of the few times I didn't feel like seeing any Cowboy's face until Tuesday around 11am when I check BTB, but since I unfortunately live in the city of Philadelphia, I knew old Tony was in trouble if somebody spotted him standing in front of my door in a trenchcoat, cleats, and a rain hat over his helmet...so I invited him in for a a quick chat. It was a pretty interesting conversation, and that's why I'll share it with you now.

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Hey guys! Just thought I'd check in before the season before I stalk all your gameday comments from the shadows lol...enjoy!

 

NFL twentyleven, it's about that time

get the wings, grab a beer, hit the couch, recline

the wives and girlfriends lost the training camp battle

now they're second-string, get used to it, it's annual

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*For everybody wondering what the hell this is, please set an hour aside and check out my other FanPost, "Blue Sunset: the Epic Tragedy of the twentyten Dallas Cowboys." For everybody else, this is for yall...go Cowboys!

Offseason Hell. This is the grim and desolate place where any gridiron warrior slain on their pilgrimage to Playoff Mountain must sojourn until the new season. Dank, unforgiving and stifling hot, it was a trying environment for even the bravest of souls...including our own Jasonidas and his Cowboy army, felled in the throes of battle by the dog-king Vixses and his mighty horde. There they stood, amongst the erupting flames and echoing lamentations of the damned, awaiting the full torments of Offseason Hell. Jasonidas led his valorous men into the main hall...the first circle of offseason hell.

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As the Cowboys continued on their collision course with Vixses, Cowboy Roytu had ideas about how his coach should implement him into his battle strategy.

 

Roytu: Interim Coach Jasonidas, I wish to have an audience with you.

Jasonidas: Very well, Roytu...what is it you want to discuss with me...

Roytu: Well, we've been doing a good job the past couple battles...I know I'm not your number 1 soldier, but I feel as though my performance is worthy of more responsibility in the offense. I'm a talented attacker...why don't you use me more?

Jasonidas: Well, Roytu...you are talented, I'll give you that...however, you lack concentration. Your form is weak, and you don't run routes very well. You do have a good battle from time to time, your war acumen has never been questioned. If I may speak frankly and as a friend, your biggest weakness lies beneath that helmet of yours.

Roytu: I know, Interim Coach Jasonidas...but I can be better! I can become a hero, achieve glory, and finally bring pride to my family, the Longhorn Clan.

Jasonidas: You seem to really want this. I admire that. Fine, we will see if your focus has improved. Dezzalonian!

 

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*narrator sits on tree stump in woods near a roaring campfire, uses grizzled, battle-hardened, and generally epic story narration voice. The flames crackle and send embers fluttering skyward as they intermittently illuminate the listeners (that's you fine folk) gathered in a respectfully hushed semi-circle*

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Now this is the tale of a man they call Wade

son of Bum Phillps (they should really switch names)

head coach of the Cowboys, or is so in name

for now, but perhaps he has seen his last game

how did this become so? Where did this begin?

As I recall, it was two thousand seven

when Big Bill Parcells quit, abdicated, resigned

(following That Game that still haunts #9)

Parcells had it locked, Jerry wanted the keys!

"I must find a decoy, so they can't blame me!

I run shit, but there have to be 500 coaches

who can look the part, my team's great by osmosis!"

Jerry wondered "Who will be the next coach in line?

I need me a b*tch, Phillips will be fine..."

They sold us that Wade was a defensive genius

but he's JJ's hand puppet, any asshole could see this

some success post-Jimmy led Jerry astray

he thought he could continue succeeding that way

pulling the strings from the box, puppetmaster

(not seeing the rope's on the fans' throats...you bastard...)

 

All that aside, the season began

and for just a while, Wade P was the man

It started so well, we were 13-3

then lost to the Giants way down in Big D

First round of the playoffs, divisonally

"It was just a fluke, like David Tyree

We'll kick ass in the new year, we're better than this!"

The fans were fanatic, Wade...lost and listless...

"The better team lost today", a statement abhorred...

Yo, the better team won, dick...check the scoreboard!

(I still fume and cuss about that, it's so damning...

knocked out first game by Eli f*cking Manning!

You say it, not I....."Super Bowl MVP!"

it doesn't compute...maybe that's just me...)

13 Pro Bowlers, none in February

there's no fan vote for Big Silver Trophies

we rationalized and dismissed it as luck

on the Giants part, we did not see we were f*cked.

 

Not yet, however, there would still be much teasing

of our fanhood souls between then and Wade's leaving

Short term, sure...we could still scream "Cowboys rock!

we'll grab one next year, check us out on Hard Knocks!"

'08 started great, then the wheels fell off...

first the Chargers, then B-More...that f*cking Pitt loss

and then came the nadir, (that means lowest sh*t ever

or so we thought then, before that we'd never

seen such a disgrace and thought it absurd

we'd lose that game in such a way to those Birds)

Wade was asked for comment after that debacle

said "Welp...we did a bit worse that we ought to...

we'll check out some film and see where we went wrong,

we'll get better next time..." Same old bullsh*t song.

Truth be told, he should had his fat ass canned right then

(but Crisco came first...copyright infringement...)

but Jerry believed, enabled, endorsed

Wade could right the ship, set it back on course

In hindsight, an error, an egregious sin

(looking back's 20/20, here in twentyten)

but before we get to that colossal decline

I must tell the tale of 2009)

 

My Boys came renewed and vivified

their spirit refreshed, demons exorcised

This was the year we let go of TO

Miles Austin appeared, as did Felix Jones

"Goddammit Tony!" switched with "Go, Romo, go!"

the defense literally filled with All-Pros

the stars seemed to align, the season went well

2009 heaven to 2008's hell

What should we as 'Boys fans have seen as the death knell?

Wade Phillips and his inept ways came as well.

My football team teased me with flashes of brilliance,

got lucky bounces and showed such resiliance,

broke the trend of losing after November

that's right...my Cowboys did shine that December

they rolled up the Redskins and shut out the Eagles

and stomped them again, they were so enfeebled

(I got joy out of that, and had quite a time

writing "1996"...some more shit that rhymes)

then came that day up in Minnesota

where 'Boys fans remembered that there is a quota

on disappointment we must have each year

3 hours later, it was as we feared...

34-3, and it could have been worse

our quarterback damn near went home in a hearse.

but whither our Wade? What did he have to say?

"Dagnabbit...we sure didn't play well today..."

Well no sh*t, Mr. Holmes, get that all by yourself?

My god you're intelligent...a brain trust, a wealth

of invaluable insight and insider knowledge...

you're a bright football mind, should run coaching college!

Coaching up youngsters one dumb face at a time

Your greatness is more than I'll fit in this rhyme!

(In case you're retarded, this is a classic

example of bitterness turning sarcastic)

An inspiring figure, a leader of men...

aaaaand that leads us to this year, twentyten.

 

I can scarce find the words, the raw intimation

to capture the scope of the humiliation

I've had to endure since the season began

or even add up all the empty beer cans,

the air-filled booze bottles, the lighters burned out

I created since the Cowboys season turned south.

They say one man makes not a team alone,

but it seems the team's heart broke with a certain neck bone

I'm a staunch fan, never been a hater,

but that's the common factor? The denominator?

who deserves the door first? Might not have a job later?

look no further than our super motivator!

that's right, our boy Wade! Mr. Phillps himself!

The pass rushing guru! The wizard of blitzing (with no safety help)

the man with the plan, secretary of defense!

a coach both of mind and body immense!

 

A man whose confusion confuses his team

a man who thinks benching bums is just mean

a man who never gets down, shook, or deterred

he just makes stupid faces, forgets mistakes occurred

"Everything's fine!" is a sentence oft-heard

(and each time he says it, I flip him the bird)

Single patent-holder of the EZ-Pass D!

I can't take this no more...somebody shoot me.

Please fire this man, he looks broken, defeated

his will to live dwindled, his resolve depleted

is it only his fault that the 'Boys play this way?

Hell no...but he's causing my hair to go gray.

 

I can't watch him make one more stupid ass face

throw one more dumb challenge at the wrong time and place

run that same damn blitz with the 2 worst linebackers

leave Ball out in coverage with a "Run By Me" placard

oversights underwhelming, understanding overstated

He along with his team vastly overrated

I only hope Jerry has mercy this day

and gives Wade a pink slip in public display

It might not change sh*t, but this here is fail

an unstoppable train wreck, a season derailed

well I've typed everything that I care to say...

besides "Yo, Jerry...fire Wade TODAY!"

 

(and don't promote Garrett either...f*ckin idiot...)

*note: While there are plenty of things to hate about Philly like the murder rate, Michael Nutter, SEPTA, Philly hoodrats, the Eagles/their fans, the increasingly corrupt police force and and "Rocky"s after III, among others, one of the things I do like about this place is the Philly cheesesteak (which is just a "cheesesteak" around here...same way Chinese food is just "food" in Beijing). I bring this up because I was at a local steak shop (that I won't give the name of for security purposes) for a taste of the quintessential Philadelicacy when I happened upon a very unexpected traveler...yes, I had the honor and horror of meeting the owner/GM/secret head coach/commander in chief/director of football marketing/pretty much everything else of my beloved Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones! I didn't expect to see him here at all, and I dont think he expected to be seen...but I couldn't pass up an opportunity to talk to the man behind the Star...and give him a few choice words about the state of my 'Boys. If any of that interests you, check this out...if not, there's an x in the upper right hand corner...click it and go in peace.

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it exposes the fairweather fans.

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