Dateline: Ames, Iowa

Jamie Pollard whistles a happy tune as he walks to his office at the Iowa State athletic building

(as he's walking) Hi. Hello. Jim, looking good. Kate, I like the dress. I brought doughnuts!

Pollard reaches his office

Ron, how are things? You are looking as happy as ever.

Wow, you are in the good mood. Did an Iowa player get arrested?

No, no. Have you checked the newspapers? We just pulled in over a million dollars of royalties in merchandise. People cannot seem to get enough of the Cyclones, so I'm walking on air. What could go wr-

Phone rings

Hello, Jamie Pollard's office... Yes, I heard... Congratulations... He is in.

Pollard shakes head vigorously

Oops he just stepped out... Where is he going? (To Pollard) Where are you going?

To the dentist.

He's going to the denti... oh you heard that? Well he was just about to leave, but he would be happy to talk to you. One second.

Sorry, he caught us.

I know that, who is it now?

It's the new Big XII commissioner Bob Bowlsby. He said he just wanted to check in.

Barta! Can't that bastard let me have one day to enjoy myself. Patch it through to my office.

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In the football offices of the Richard O. Jacobson Building

Then I look at you-oo. And the world’s alright. Just one look at you-oo and I know it’s gonna be… bum… bum… bum… bum... A LOVELY DAY, LOVELY DAY, LOVELY DAY, LOVELY DAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY!!!!!!!

Mr. Ferentz, James Vandenberg to see you.

Awesome. Send him in.

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A lone figure walks to his office, passing co-workers that cannot help but stare at his absolute audacity.

Sir, Mr. Barta, Mr. Fry, Mr. Davis and Mr. Campbell to see you.

Send them -

The door flies open and the four men file in.

(Slamming newspaper on the desk) What the hell is this?

Something I've been waiting to say for a long time.

(Picks up newspaper and reads) "Why I'm Quitting On Running the Ball - recently my football team ended a long relationship with the running back position, and I'm relieved. For over 100 years, Iowa football has devoted itself to using a position for which good work is irrelevant because teams can't stop themselves from using it. A position that never improves, constantly gets injured and makes people unhappy. But there was money in it. A lot of money. In fact, our entire university depended on it. We knew it wasn't good for us, but we couldn't stop. So, as of today, the Iowa football program will no longer recruit running backs. We know it's going to be hard. If you're interested in running backs, here's a list of schools that do it well: Wisconsin, Nebraska, Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech and Texas A&M. As for us, we welcome all other skill positions because we're certain that our best work is still ahead of us. Sincerely, Kirk Ferentz, Iowa football.

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In the backstage locker room athletic offices of Carver Hawkeye Arena

That was great and a long time coming. Seeing Billionaire Kirk getting hit with a chair over and over and over. It just gives me chills. Ain't that right, Big Sexy?

You know it, Gatens. We've been slaving away for four years on that basketball court and when we finally see some success, what is everybody talking about? Football, ooooh, two new coordinators! Big whoop, I made a backwards full court shot. Where's my parade?

Easy gents. We launched the opening salvo, but this thing's far from over. They'll come back, they're too stupid to do anything else.

I heard that they might have asked Ken O'Kee-

Mr. Barta, phone call for you. They said it's urgent.

Did they tell you who it was? And for the last time, I told you to call me Hollywood.

Sorry Mr. Hollywood. Anyway, he introduced himself as James Edward Delaney.

Jim Delaney?!! Put him through right away.

Phone rings

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Alright lets bring it in. Gentlemen, we've had a good week of practice. It's the kind of start that I and the rest of the coaching staff was looking for after how disappointing last year was. Now... I want you to be smart this weekend, don't ruin this good start by doing something stupid. OK, next week we'll dive in even...

A small motor hums in the background and begins to grow louder

...remember to read your playbook (holds up binder), you may not believe it but it does have some new stuff in it. What the hell is that noise?

Aloha ladies.

Everyone stares stunned

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In case you missed it, last week was Spring Break for the University of Iowa and many other schools across the nation. As a poor college student, Spring Break usually meant spending a week at my parents' house watching the NCAA Tournament (some would say I was destined to work with a blog), but that's not the case for others. And to you I say: go to hell good for you! Of course, students are not the only individuals who get to enjoy Spring Break, so I made it a point to find out what some of BHGP's favorites did last week and dispatched my legion of paparazzi to get some entirely discreet photographic evidence. Here's what they found:

The Ferentz men stepped out in Iowa City in a matching ensemble

Iowa athletic director Gary Barta impressed members of the media with his rendition of "Moon River"

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Ahhh you must be the new girl. I'm Joan. Here, let me show you around the office... um... Peggy, right?

Yes, that's right. Thank you for doing this Miss Holloway.

It's Joan. This is the main lobby where we show off all the trophies and awards we've won.

It's looks kind of barren right now.

Yeah, that's kind of a sore subject. We don't like to talk about that much.

The two walk into an open area

And this is the lounge. You'll see a lot of the players here. They're the low men on the totem pole. In fact, here are three of those losers now.

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Welcome to Volume II of the BHGP Treasury. An explanation on the what, why and how is included in Volume I. Let's dig on.

--- M ---

Man-cott - The Outback Bowl had the audacity to pass over 6-6 Iowa for 9-3 Wisconsin, so we did the only logical thing; and how dare you not offer a free gift card; probably kept Iowa out of the top-25 too; the Man-cott ended in 2008 when Iowa accepted a bid to the Outback Bowl to murder the Gamecocks; returned in 2009 when American patriot Ricky Stanzi was not listed on the Davey O'Brien watchlist.

Remember, they haven't had us back since 2008

Marc Morehouse - Cedar Rapids Gazette sportswriter and friend of the pants; has his own head icon for God's sake.

Marchifornication - The one true tournament in March and the only one the Hawks have been involved in the last six years; are you ready?

Marcus Coker - Former Iowa running back; slotted fourth in the opening werewolf power rankings; totally stiff-armed an asteroid; took a day off; was suspended, but not for trading memorabilia for tatttoos, get it right.

Mark Dantonio - Michigan State head coach and master disciplinarian; yep.

Marvin McNutt - At one time was a quarterback, instead turned into the best Iowa receiver of all-time. Still does most of his work with one-hand though.

Matt Gatens - The Iowa basketball version of Ladell Betts; skipped over captaincy by Lickliter; hears voices in his head; was screwed over in Marchifornication by Montreal Screwjob; should have went way old school; shooting with a glowing ball right now.

Maygasm - Eric May brings you to the peak with his athletic play, just don't let the other 38 minutes make you go limp.

Memes - Nobody deserves them more than Iowa State

Metrodome - The only good thing about the Gopher's former home is the extra wide bathroom stalls.

Michigan girl - "What is happening?!!!"

Thank god for the arrow

Mika'il McCall - Disobeyed the one rule of Kirk Ferentz - do not go on BHGP; it's pretty much strait bullshit.

Mike Hlas - Cedar Rapids Gazette sports columnist and another friend of the pants; a pretty hlilarious, hlonest, hlomer (and I'm sure he's never seen this sort of joke before).

Mike Tyson - The personification of Iowa football in 2010

Money - Kind of went to our heads.

Move Your Feet - Junior Senior's masterpiece; reserved for the best of times

Mr. Optimistic vs. Mr. Pessimistic - Or every single conversation on a game thread ever.

--- N ---

NCAA Football 2009 - Maybe too realistic

Nikolai, the Russian Booze Monkey - Candidate for the Iowa head basketball coach position.

Niko - Iowa City nightlife correspondent

Nile Kinnick - A legend; the true Iron Man; also possibly a zombie.

It's no use... he's an Ironman

NITwestern Fan - Picked the quietest place on campus to do his reading.

Norm Parker - Longtime Iowa defensive coordinator; believed to be winding down... in 2007; once married a steak... it did not last; answers more mail; talks to the Iowa basketball team; helped pick Fran McCaffery; helped Ken O'Keefe build a gameplan; became half machine; went down to Mexico with Ken O'Keefe; rode into a much deserved sunset .

Notre Dame - Finally got its comeuppance by Iowa

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There is no doubt that Black Heart Gold Pants has been and currently is a steadily growing community for Iowa fans. And just like with most burgeoning communities, a culture is beginning to form: one filled with new vocabulary, folklore and traditions. Of course, new cultures can be confusing and occasionally off-putting for newcomers. That's where I come in, over the past five years (give or take), I have been poring over the archives in an attempt to create a comprehensive guide to the BHGP culture. That guide has finally arrived, newcomers can use this guide to answer questions that have probably already arisen in your short time here (Why am I being asked to Move My Feet? Why does RossWB keep quoting the same line from Rocky IV?), while veterans can use this guide to fondly take a look back (remember when Casey McMillan threw his point guard into orbit or Joe Tiller expressed his undying love for Cream Cheese?). It's all here and if there is something I missed, make sure to let me know in the comments. Enjoy. Wow, this is probably the longest serious piece I've ever writt- *fart* Annnnnnnnnnnd it's ruined.

--- Numerals ---

6-4 - Fuck you safety? Fuck you safety.

The 7-5 Club - Tried to help Rich Rodriguez.

36 Super Black and Gold Hits - The Iowa coaching staff's Grammy-award winning album.

43-36 - The high point of Lickliter's time at Iowa, yep a win with 43 points.

Yep

80-17 - WhatIfSports predicts the rout of all routs for the Orange Bowl; Kirk retorts with a snort.

17-16 - The Hawkeyes blow out Northern Iowa in almost embarrasing proportions.

1408 - They really need to tear this locker out.

2008 Big Ten Quarterbacks - Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy needs just one word to describe them.

2009 regular season - Preserved for all eternity by Iowa players' diaries.

--- A ---

A.J. Derby - Decided to open a bus window... evidently with his face; is gone baby gone.

Ace - Adrian Clayborn's beloved pooch, publicist; joined forces with Adrian to take down Pakistanzi

Acie Earl - The new Han Solo.

Adam Jacobi - See OopsPowSurprise.

Adam Shada - Much maligned Iowa cornerback; James Hardy's cape; was booed on Senior Day, one of the most classless acts perpetrated by Iowa fans (I was there and it's still more embarassing than the Western Michigan loss that followed).

Adrian Clayborn - beloved Iowa defensive end; met his biggest nemesis.

Afghanistan - For one sweet moment, it was ours.

Awesome.

AIRBHG - The Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God; was present long before we even knew its name; sat down with our own RossWB; melted down when the Hawkeyes were shortly without running backs; but came back with a vengeance; don't read if squirmish.

Albert Young - One of the loan bright spots in the 2007 season; deserved better.

Alcoholic Daddy - Please do not make the 2007 season hit us again. Please.

Andre Woolridge - Passed over for an assistant coaching position by Fran, but not passed over in our hearts.

Andrew Brommer - Iowa center, picks up fouls at a Worelyan rate; bobblehead might be a relic of evil; got hammered.

Andy Brodell - Iowa wide receiver who destroyed both Texas (in the Alamo Bowl) and Iowa fans' psyche (with his drops and inconsistency; might have had cloven hooves for hands; had leg burst into flames against Wisconsin.

Angry Iowa fan - Angry.

Anthony Morelli - The punchline of many Penn State quarterback jokes, of course he destroyed Iowa in 2007.

Anthony Tucker - Burst onto the scene early in his freshman year; then this happened, and this, and this and finally this; might have been driven insane by the Overlook Hotel.

Anthony Tucker enjoys a night out on the town

Anthony Wyoming - Iowa's greatest football player entirely made up of cocaine.

Are You There Cyclone Fan, It's Me Jebus - Puts Judy Blume to shame; JebusHChrist woos a Cyclone mom and destroys all innocence in one night of carnal passion; Hawkeyes lose a day later 15-13.

Are You There Cyclone Fan, It's Me Again - Not to be outdone, Jebus piles dirt on the grave with hate so potent, it's illegal in 38 states; Hawkeyes lose 44-41.

Arkansas State - Fell to Iowa in one of the biggest upsets of all time.

Ashton Kutcher - Stay away from the young impressionable minds of high school basketball players.

Ask a Drive-By Truckers Character - Characters from Drive-By Truckers songs answer reader mail; better than Dear Abby.

Assume the Position - A breakdown of the Iowa football team piece by piece; perhaps a double entendre

A Winner Is You - An apt title for the Iowa wrestling preview; Nintendo you have done it again.

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Reese Morgan (center) and the future of Iowa defense

IOWA CITY (AP) - In a move that surprised players and fans alike, veteran Iowa offensive line coach Reese Morgan has decided to switch his allegiance to the defensive line.

The move came Tuesday in the Iowa football team's weight room as Morgan helped the defensive line win a weightlifting challenge in a spectacle which has quickly earned the moniker "Bash at the Bench."

The seeds for both the event and Morgan's switch were planted the day after signing day when recent Hawkeye signee Jaleel Johnson showed up unannounced in the middle of a weight lifting session.

"You people... you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here," Johnson said. "You wanna [sic] go to war? You want a war? You're gonna get one."

Johnson left immediately after his speech, but returned a day later. This time with fellow signee Faith Ekakitie, who proceeded to lambaste the Iowa offensive line.

Rightly frustrated with the mouthy newcomers, Iowa senior-to-be James Ferentz proposed a battle between the new signees for Tuesday - a bench press competition, most reps of 225 earns bragging rights.

That was fine with Johnson and Ekakitie, who told Ferentz to find two other people and have it be a three-on-three encounter.

Rumors ran rampant during the weekend about who the defensive line's third member would be. Lavar Woods was the prevailing choice, but Johnson raised an uproar with a Facebook post citing New York Giants linebacker coach Jim Hermann.

Ekakitie, for his part, remained mum, only promising that it would be a surprise.

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First off, I'd like to thank you for showing up on short notice like this. I know a lot of you have been waiting for this announcement which I think is just weird. It's only a defensive coordinator, it's not like I'm picking the next president of the United States.

Before I announce our new coordinator. I have a few personnel updates. Tackle Riley Reiff has decided to go pro and we wish him the best at the next level. Running backs Mika'il McCall and Marcus Coker will not be with the program next year. And we are in the process of replacing defensive coordinator Norm Parker. We wish them all well in their future endeavors.

Ummm coach. We've known about all of these comings and going for like the last month. In fact, I believe the reason we're here is because of that last announcement.

Jeez, that long? Well, you know I've been on the recruiting trail and American Idol has started back up, so it's been a busy month.

Anyway, I knew what I had in mind when I started to look for a new defensive coordinator. I wanted a Midwest guy, I wanted a no-nonsense guy and I wanted somebody that had a similar philosophy to me and this gentleman scored off the charts in all three.

Please let me introduce the Iowa Hawkeye's new defensive coordinator from Detroit.... ROBOCOORDINATOR.

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Kirk, the defections are starting to get out of hand. McCall, Coker, now Derby, you better have a pretty good damn explanation.

And I do sir, it's all AIRBHG's fault.

Airbag? That doesn't make any sense.

No, not Airbag. AIRBHG - Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God. I'm not one to believe in spirits or curses or that nonsense, but I heard about this on the AM radio, so you know its true.

Let me get this straight. The reason players are leaving is not a stringent team code of conduct, unimaginative schemes or just plain stubbornness - it's a malevolent deity whose sole purpose of being is hating our running back corps.

Yes sir.

Oh... my... god. That's terrible. What can we do about this? Conduct a séance? Call an expert?

Well, I was conducting a little research on the OnlineNet and I stumbled across something called Wiki Encyclopeida and there was an article about a certain staff that can weaken AIRBHG and stem his powers.

That's great. Where is this staff?

That's the thing, I don't know. But I do know somebody who might.

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(Original photo credit: Benjamin Roberts / Press Citizen)

Well it's four days later. Still mad that the Iowa wrestling team lost its unbeaten streak due to a freaking tiebreaker? Yeah, me too.

So for a little closure, I decided to check out the NCAA rules concerning wrestling's new tiebreaker rules.

Here's what I found:

3.15 Breaking Ties in Dual Meets and Team-Advancement Tournaments

When two teams finish in a tie in a dual meet or a team-advancement tournament, the following criteria shall be applied to determine a winner:

OK, that seems legit.

Let's see, criterion one

3.15.1 Greater number of victories

Both teams won five matches. Next!

3.15.2 Combined total of falls and technical falls

There were no falls or technical falls. Next!

3.15.3 Total match points

Now this is where Oklahoma State had the advantage, 54-51, but let's say that match points were even too. Let's go to criterion four.

3.15.4 First takedown

Damn, the first takedown belonged to the mad Russian Alan Gelogaev, so the Hawks are screwed again. What happens, though, if there are no takedowns by either team (which is probably a scenario equivalent to hell for Hawkeye fans)?

Well... things get weird.

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Hello and welcome Hawk fans to the first annual University of Iowa football defensive coordinator debate sponsored by Carlos O'Kelly's home of Hawk Talk with Kirk Ferentz. Now let's meet our candidates sponsored by Advanced Auto Parts.

Phil Parker, defensive backs coach.

Nice to be here.

Darrell Wilson, linebackers coach

Gary.

Ron Aiken.

It's great to be back in Iowa City.

William Inge.

How you doin' Gary?

Chris Doyle.

WHO'S READY TO SWEAT?!

Biff Poggi.

You had to put me next to him?

And last but not least - Herky the Hawkeye.

It's a pleasure.

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Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays

Welcome Insight Bowl, bring your light

Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays

Welcome in the Tempe night

Welcome bowl game, fahoo ramus

Welcome bowl game, dahoo damus

Welcome bowl game, while we stand

Brat to brat and beer in hand

Every Hawk fan down in Iowa liked bowl games a lot

But the Stoops who lived just South of Iowa did not!

The Stoops hated bowl games! The whole bowl season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that this season was again underachieving.

It could be his stable of running backs were all pretty much leaving.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that this bowl game was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, the losses or the long talks,

He stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Hawks,

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Tuesday at the Iowa football office

Norm, you don't really need to do this. Our bowl game is not for more than two weeks.

Yes, I do. Every little item in this room holds a special memory for me and every time I look around, I get a hankering to come back next year and I don't think I can do it.

Plus, I bought a sandwich from Subway last week and kinda misplaced it. And well... it's really starting to reek in here.

Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything, but this room smells rank. Anyway, I'll help you out.

Shouldn't you be looking for replacement?

Actually, that's what I've been trying to avoid. Mike Stoops has called me everyday for the last two weeks and he never stops yelling: "HI KIRK! STILL LOOKING FOR A DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR KIRK? I'D LIKE A MEDIUM HAND-TOSSED CANADIAN BACON AND MUSHROOM PIZZA" That last one was a wrong number, but I'm worried about going deaf and quite frankly, I'm not sure how I am going to let him know that he didn't earn the job.

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And I would personally like to put your team in my best hotel. I want nothing, but the best for Iowa State.

Really? But why us?

I'll tell you. I was flipping through the channels on my humungous television and something catches my eye: 50,000 people in red and yellow body paint... overalls... crazy wigs and I think to myself, this is America. People supporting the little team that could.

So you saw the Oklahoma State game? That was quite a showcase for the University.

Nah, you guys got crushed by Texas. Anyway, let me give you the address. So we can set something up.

OK, I've got a pen.

Alright. It's 8008 07734.

Mr. Trump... that's not really an address.

Well, you really need to put it in a calculator. I only work in equations, that's why I'm rich.

Ummm. OK. Still not seeing it.

Turn it upside down.

HELLO...BOOB...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You're such an idiot.

Goddamnit. Don't get my hopes up like that Kirk. We're trying to get ready for a bowl game. Speaking of which, shouldn't you be doing the same? The Sooners are pretty darn tough.

Bowl preparation? Bah humbug! We've been ready for the bowl game for two weeks now. It's out of our hands. Now it's about the execution and using the extra practice to turn running backs into safeties. Jordan Bernstine meet Jordan Canzeri.

You know, some day your conservatism is going to catch up with you.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the all the sucking. Have fun in New York, don't forget the beach towel.

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Dinner!

 (clapping hands) Alright guys, let's bring it in. Let's bring it in. Now today's an important day, we need to bring our A-games. We need to be smart, we need to be mistake free and we need to execute.

  Dad, it's just Thanksgiving dinner. We don't need the pep talk.

The Ferentz family sits around the family table

 Kirk, do you want to say the prayer?

 Yeah, sure... Dear God, we are thankful for all that you have given us - the stretch zone, the 4-3 defense, Wrigley's Spear-o-Mint gum, Marcus Coker, punting...

 Dad, can we concentrate more on the family?

 Okay. Thank you for blessing us with good health, James has been free of injuries all year and he has played well, in fact his...

 Wow, thanks Dad. That means...

 ...comeback victory against Pittsburgh was one of the highlights of the season. God, do you remember him throwing that last touchdown to Kevonte? Boy what a strike.

 ... a lot.

 Marcus has also been healthy throughout the year and so has Marvin. Lord, you have blessed us so much, but you have also tested us this year. Mika'il and the whole Factbook thing, what was that? Granting Steele Jantz superpowers for one game? Continuing to confound me with special teams? But you know what, I'm just going to chalk that up to a failure in execution and I know you'll be better next week.

 Kirk!

 Amen. Let's eat.

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(EDIT: Bumped for general excellence. -- RB)

The Nebraska athletic department holds a meeting on Monday afternoon

 Gentlemen, we have a problem. Friday is our game against Iowa, a big game. An important game. The Heroes Game and gosh darnit, we forgot to choose a hero.

 Yes sir.

 Yes sir.

 Yes sir.

 Yes sir.

 Yes sir.

 I'm glad we all agree that this is a problem, but I have the solution. This last week I've asked fans across this great, barren state to nominate a hero. And I've invited them here in hope we can pick the best one. Everybody ready?

 Yes sir.

 You're the best.

 Just for the record, I love this plan the best.

 This might be your best plan ever my excellency.

 I just named my newborn Tomosborne Thomas Osborne and he thinks that's genius.

 Good. Let's bring in the first applicant.

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 Gentlemen, I've gathered you here tonight because we've got a problem. You were at practice today. The guys are down and they look unmotivated, now I want to brainstorm ways to get the guys pumped besides the free coupon book we get for going to the Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Bowl. Any suggestions? Darrell?

  Well we have Purdue this weekend. We should remind them that this is our rivalry game.

 Yes, that's a good point. Alright, new idea. I'm going to go down the row and I want each of you to give a reason to hate Purdue.

 Ummm... their dead-eyed mascot?

 I'm also going with Purdue Pete, those muscles weren't earned the right way — 600 power lifts and a trip to the hospital.

 I was going to say the mascot too.

 Okay, does anybody have a reason to hate Purdue? That doesn't include their mascot.

Erick Campbell's hand shoots up

 There attempt at a new mascot was terrible.

 Sigh, okay nobody has a reason to hate Purdue. Where's Norm? Didn't he have a bad acid trip in West Lafayette or something?

 Norm's at home. Two-and-a-half Men is on.

 What's that?

 Well, it's about two gu-

 Wait, stop, stop. How many times do I have to tell everyone that I don't want to hear about Norm's sex life. Let's just move on. Ken? What do you hate about Purdue?

Ken isn't paying attention, but is instead watching the television

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A lone figure knocks on an apartment door in Montreal

 Pizza!

Door opens

 Wait a minute, I never ordered a pizza. Who is this?

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Tuesday in the Richard O. Jacobson Athletic Building

 Gentlemen, I can see that you're down in the dumps. I don't know why, we played are hardest, and Minnesota just played a little better. Now it's time to look ahead to Michigan, we'll play them tough and if we don't win. Well it just isn't in the cards.

 Sigh.

  Sigh

  Sigh

 Alright, alright. You guys definitely need cheering up. Now who was on last year's team that beat Michigan? (hands shoot up) See, see. A lot of you. Now how many were there when we won under the lights in Kinnick in 2009? (A few hands go down). We can beat Michigan, a lot of us have done it before. And I've brought in a few guests who have also beat the Wolverines.

 (with fingers crossed) Please be Bob Sanders, please by Bob Sanders, please be Bob Sanders.

 Dallas Clark, Dallas Clark, Dallas Clark

 Cmon be Adrian, I miss him so much.

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0100 Hours, Sunday, October 30th, 2011

  Echo base tango, come in. Over. I repeat echo base tango come in.

Damnit, Echo base this important. Somebody answer.

Sorry about that. We copy the transmission, what's going on Agent Foxtrot Romeo?

  It's time to get the hell out of this prison and back home.

You don't mean?

  Yes, it's time for Operation Bac-Os.

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(BUMP BUMP BUMP.  Fantastic. -- RB)

Hours after Iowa defeated Indiana 45-24, a lone figure sits stoically at his locker. Bruised, battered and sore, he nurses a snifter of Gatorade and relishes in another victory for the good guys in a world full of bad guys 

They call me Fade, Sam Fade, well only my close friends do and there aren't many of them in this God-forsaken town. There's Marcus Coker, who works down the street. And Marvin, the only good cop on the police force. Catches criminals likes nobody's business. Finally, there's my right hand man - Keenan, he gets better and better each week, someday he... wait there's somebody here.

/Vandenberg reaches into locker.

 James?

 All it took was one look to know that this dame was trouble.

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At Monday's defensive meeting

 Guys, that was a good win on Saturday. It's finally good to get that team off our back and get back in the win column. Now there's plenty to work on - we gave up way too many first downs, some of our coverage was susceptible and that third stick of Wint-o-Green tasted like Spearmint. There also was plenty of good things: Broderick, good pressure all night.

 Thanks coach.

 Steve Bigach, way to step in.

 Holds up 2X4 Hoooooooooo-ooooooooooo

 Dominic Alvis, big plays to keep contain.

Players all say "Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge plays"

  That never gets old (tear runs down cheek)

  Tom Donatell, nice coverage in a tough spot.

  Thanks a l...

 And Tanner Miller, biggest play of the night. You've got an ice cream sundae coming your way.

 Yes. Awwwwwwwwwwwwesome.

 Now, we've got an important test coming up on Saturday against Indiana. They're reeling and we're coming off a win so it's important th-

 Coach, I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you going to address this?

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