SB Nation User Blog: iashwash

The Case for Tom Thibodeau

iashwash — Fri, 15 May 2009 00:53:12 -0000

(From the FanPosts. - TZ)

Tom Thibodeau is not a coaching option. He has no experience. He has no championship rings. He may or may not be able to dunk the ball. He's starting to go bald (a little), and is therefore not sexy enough. Clearly, this paragraph is all crap - we know bald is beautiful baby, Boston defense sure as hell won a championship ring, and he has had lots of experience. Just not the head coaching kind.

While I originally intended to do an exhaustive performance study, I'm not really that kind of guy. And truthfully, I can't really say how much of a defensive addition he's been to most teams, because he's mostly coached with JVG, and I'm not sure how to seperate his performance from Jeffs. Instead, I choose to stare dreamingly at the Google image search of "Tom Thibodeau," "Coach Thib," "Thibodeau coaching" and "Coach Thib upskirt." While these searches revealed various characteristics of the man, the myth, the not-yet-a-legend, it also made one thing exceedingly clear. It showed the truth behind the fire that supports the defense his teams are known for.

How does this man instill that defensive intensity? The intensive defensive is a careful result of the pensive perspective. In less rhymetastic fashion: mean-mugging is the Coach Thib way. The indisputable visual evidence:

The man is not happy on the sidelines when the opposing team has the ball, furious when the opposing point guard is dribbling up the court, and downright incendiary when the opposing big man has the ball on the block (DENY THE POST POSITION). The man is only happy watching his defense crush your opponents offense, and that only results in a sneer. Stare into that face, then tell him you don't want to play defense. I dare you. LOOK INTO THOSE EYES AND SAY IT. Science now allows us to examine the raw fire emanating from this eyes. First I must warn all those who have performed Lasik surgery*, are pregnant, have sensitivity to heat or are shorter than Eric Musselman to look away - you can't ride this ride. Now, an infra-red image of the man's face:

The man is hot fire, he looks through the player and cooks out the man. Unformed dough turns into bread in this man's presence, and not just wonderbread, I'm talking whole grain, baby. Look at him - he's melting through your screen - DON'T TOUCH IT! And if you think that's hot:

LOOK AT THAT - el hombre es muy caliente. As our second-favorite Dominican Al Horford would say: Fuego! Only straight sexy can rock a mullet on national television. Yeah, that was in Houston, what can I say - THE MAN KNOWS TRENDS.

Why do I want Tom Thibodeau? He's not just a defense man; He's a defense, man. I don't know if you're paying attention to the Magic-Celtics series, but they're playing great defense without Kevin Garnett. Kendrick Perkins is locking down Dwight Howard. Locking. Dwight. Down. Rajon Rondo is one of the better perimeter defenders in the L. Hell, even Glen Davis can slow Rashard Lewis, and he's got enough baby fat for the entire Magic roster.

Having Thibodeau as coach is singlehandedly the fastest, most effective way to change the defensive tenacity of this roster. The coaching change would be more effective than any roster additions through draft or free agency. He's not just a coach that will teach defense, he's a coach that will make this team defend. When you have a roster of gifted offensive players, you don't need an offensive-minded coach. When you've got an offensive system in place, with the man who created it teaching your players, you don't need an offensive-minded coach. Why draft Thabeet when you can turn Hawes into a defensive beast (we know he has the toolset!). Should Martin be doomed to be forever known as a defensive liability? Finally, can a brother play Donté?

Now I know he's got no head coaching experience. Apparently he's good with communicating with players, but we know this already (the eyes - NO ONE CAN DENY THE EYES!). I have little evidence to show he's good at developing young players. Selecting him would mean the Kings would need to invest heavily in a supporting staff. Which is fine, the more teachers for the kids, the better. But let's play some defense, man.

*If you have had the surgery performed on you, stare away. But you optometrists better beware.

Poll

Is TT sexy enough for the Kings?

Yes, the eyes behoove me.

97 votes

No, the hair dissuades me.

44 votes

Need to see those upskirt pics first.

63 votes

204 votes | Poll has closed

The Sinful Travesty!

iashwash — Mon, 04 May 2009 18:13:38 -0000

The Sinful Travesty!

Kenny Thomas does not make the Forbes list of Best Paid Bench Players. This constant media dismissal of Sacramento cannot continue! I demand a recount! BURN FORBES! BUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNN!

It just hit me that this guy is no longer around. No more forehead jokes.

iashwash — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 02:35:34 -0000

It just hit me that this guy is no longer around. No more forehead jokes.

Chirs Bosh, Kings have one more thing in common

iashwash — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:59:55 -0000

Chirs Bosh, Kings have one more thing in common

Shaq questions Bosh's big-man-machismo and calls him "the Rupaul of big men."
The Big Aristotle may have predicted the future of Bosh and the "Sacramento Queens," as...
okay, I don't have to take this joke any further.

Camby has a great face.

iashwash — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 06:34:42 -0000

Camby has a great face.

Andres Nocioni followed up his stinker of a first game with the Kings by scoring 19 points on...

iashwash — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:19:15 -0000

Andres Nocioni followed up his stinker of a first game with the Kings by scoring 19 points on 7-for-11 shooting to go along with 3 boards, 3 assists and 3 steals. Of course, he also committed a team-high 4 turnovers and three of his four misses were blocked. So to the people of Sacramento, I say: Welcome to the Nocioni Roller Coaster. Fasten your seatbelts and please keep your hands inside the car.

Basketbawful

There is a similar story about such a thing happening to Ronnie Price as a rookie in Sacramento....

iashwash — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:22:34 -0000

There is a similar story about such a thing happening to Ronnie Price as a rookie in Sacramento. But after the season was over and Price had paid for various things, Mike Bibby reportedly gave Price a wad of cash that more than made up for it.

from TRUEHOOP

Kings React to All-Star Snubs

iashwash — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 03:24:18 -0000

(Killer satire from iashwash. -- TZ)

Sacramento, CA (AP) - The Sacramento Kings locker room is currently in an uproar over the All-Star selections. The 24 players for the East and West teams were recently selected by a coaches vote and released earlier today by the NBA Front Office. A total of 17 teams are represented. The opinions of the Kings players vary, but it is the general consensus that several Kings players were unfairly denied a roster spot.

The Kings player with the highest expectations of receiving a spot, Kevin Martin, declined to comment in detail his response to the official selections. He simply offered this quote: "Man, if Ghostface Zillah had a vote, you know the K-to-the-M-Duece-Tray would be in that game. Speedracer don't lie." Leagues sources could not confirm why the mentioned "Zillah" did not have a vote, nor why his face would be ghostly. Members of the coaching staff, however, were adamant that if Kevin Martin had the usability of both his ankles, the selections would certainly be different. Kings Interim Coach Kenny Natt commented that he expects Martin to be an All-Star, going so far as to say "If I have to coach him for the rest of my career as a head coach, at least let him be an All-Star." When Kings owner Joe Maloof was questioned about the comments, his response was confusingly the one word "Interim."

Kings surprise player and starting small-forward John Salmons was even less willing to talk, repeating over and over to himself "Anything Allen can do, Johnny boy can do better." Next to him stood Francisco Garcia, who simply had to say "Injury, man, if no injury, Frisco on roster. Automatic, like Francisco shoots game-winning threes. But it okay, Garcia, he's a tough cookie. Francisco'll bounce back, go into overtime, hit another one. Cisco do it dirty, come eso." The coaching staff had no explanations for why every Kings player needed to refer to themselves in the third person. Donté Buckéts suggested that the denial of All-Star status likely caused them to deny themselves. Bobby Buckéts provided the more nonchalant "That's what happens to people when they get drafted... you think those suits are fashion statements?" Kings Veteran Bobby Jackson, however, had the final word: "Without bagels, there is no I or me."

Perhaps most furious of all Kings players was starting Center Brad Miller. In the post Celtics game press conference, Miller was in a rage: "Sure, I guess you think to yourself, maybe we need points and rebounds, so lets put David West on there. But your missing the point - who's going to plead your case to the referees? Is Shaquille O'Neal going to get you ticky-tack foul calls? I know people think Dirk Nowitzki can get in the refs face and bitch one out, but, c'mon - have you seen me? Dude, I am the shit - my face looks so sad, they wanna cast me in the remake of Old Yeller. I got everyone in the sidelines thinking that dude just shanked me, or smoked my weed, or had sex with my mom. Amare Stoudamire can't pull that shit. Rashard Lewis wouldn't bat an eye for a no-call. Yao Ming can't speak ENGLISH! Tim Duncan, you say? Tim Duncan? Who do you think taught Tim Duncan that eyes-wide-open-nuh-nuh-dis-shyt-aint-irie look? That's right? Brad 'ImmaBitchTill I Die' Miller. I get Rasheed Wallace results with less technical fouls - I lead the league by a mile in complaints/tech. C'mon."

Brad Miller currently is averaging 45 complaints a tech, leading Rasheed Wallace (29), Tim Duncan (19), and Eduardo Najera (18.9). Mikki Moore is second on the Kings with 2, though he has a similar lead on the leagues Screams/Possession statistic. The only other King leading the league in any statistic is Kenny Thomas, whose Dollars/Minute not only currently hold the NBA record, but also rival the US GDP. Memphis Grizzly Antoine Walker, however, promises to take back the record, as a favor to his fans.

After the Miller tirade, Kings interim coach Kenny Natt refused to respond to questions about the All-Star game, only finally commenting as he was leaving: "That team we faced tonight had TWO All-Stars on their Roster, and neither was named Eddie House, and we STILL outplayed them in the first quarter. Think about that for a minute, and honestly answer whether those "All-Star" rosters are fair."

While the debates over the All-Star selections will likely continue, it is the hope of many fans that the players respond the snubs with a desire to prove the league wrong. Said one fan who refused to identify himself by name but was all-too-willing to give his seating section: "Wait, is this going to get published? Can I make a witty comment? Dude, dude: what do I say? Oh, I know, I know... The team needs to get together, reach deep inside and pull together for a win and leave it all on the floor." All further comments were distorted by a sequence of guffaws and exclamations that the statement was a repeat of an original quote from an unnamed "She". Local police are investigating the matter, and former player Justin Williams is to be brought in for questioning.

Marion trade Rumor untrue

iashwash — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 08:00:27 -0000

Marion trade Rumor untrue

I don't have insider, so I'm not sure what it says - whether it's the Cavs trade, the Kings trade, or just trading Marion at all.

If it's about the Kings, I'm betting it references something in Bee. Still, considering Millers and Marions fates seemed linked only a few days ago, I thought I might post this if someone feels like being more revealing.

It's official: Mr. Candace Parker

iashwash — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 20:58:11 -0000