SB Nation User Blog: jch24

Bardzilla vs. jch24 - Guess who won?

jch24 — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 04:02:44 -0000

Tonight's stop on the local burger tour was the legendary Bard's Burgers in Latonia, KY. Bard's is home to the Bardzilla challenge, which dares a patron to down TEN 1/3 pound patties and cheese along with a pound of fries. I was nominated to take on the beast against my will. But you know what?

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They have poutine. WIN. Here's my story.

The night started with me and Ash being early arrivals as usual, with obc, Slyde, and BK showing thereafter. Since Bard's doesn't serve alcohol we met at Goodtimers II next door, where I had five beers or so. In retrospect this was a very poor strategy. But at the end of the night, you know what? I became #8 to take down Bardzilla. SPECK.

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The Bardzilla challenge rules state that you have to finish it all in an hour or less, and you can't leave. They cut me some slack here when I had to go pee twice. (five beers beforehand, remember?)

As I stated in the meetup thread, I was leaning toward not taking the challenge because, well, it's retarded to do that to yourself. Unfortunately for me and my blind pride, Slyde decided he too would take the challenge. Halfway through he informed the crowd that he never had any intention of making a run at the monster but rather he ordered it to force me to man up. What can I say? The man knows me. :)

We had very few witnesses, but everyone who wasn't taking the challenge seemed to be full of theories. Bunch of armchair quarterbacks, I tell ya. "Oh, you're drinking too much soda", "What are you doing texting on your phone?", "Don't take a break, that will doom you!". Easy to say when you're not the one shoving over three pounds of meat and cheese into your maw.

Everyone orders (You guys are gonna have to fill in the blanks as I was writing out my will in my head and have no idea what everyone else had) and after a short time the food comes out. You wanna see hell on a plate?

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I was foolishly confident at this point. I would soon be put in my place by grilled beef.

I can't competently comment on the characteristics of the burgers at Bard's because I was far more focused on destroying my colon. All I know is that when it came out and I started, the patties were really hot. My strategy was to attack the beast by taking off the top bun and peeling off the patties one by one until I got it to a workable level. I ate the first eight patties in this fashion before throwing the bun back on and being left with a double cheeseburger and fries. Here's a shot of when I had finished three patties and was starting on #4:

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And after downing #7:

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It's hard to believe with that kind of cuteness I haven't been snatched up yet, AMIRITE?

Anyway, at this point the train started to slow a bit. I was getting full. And not the "Oh I don't think I need to eat any more tonight" full, but "Okay, my stomach is starting to visually starting to protrude" full. This is where things got tough. Upon finishing patty number eight, BK looks on amused:

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I'll be honest, at this point it was getting ugly. So I took a break and wore my napkin as a hat while sipping Diet Coke:

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The double cheeseburger and fries were HELL. I was beyond full but there was no turning back at this point. I had to get up and walk around, I started getting a little dizzy, I wanted to die. You know, my normal Thursday night minus the beer. I eventually choked down the double though and was left with the fries, 15 minutes to go. My greatest opponent to date.

via i168.photobucket.com

I couldn't eat the fries. COULDN'T. I was dead in the water, every time I ate a little more I started getting nauseous. This is where the rules came into play - You only have to clear your plate in the hour, not get them down. Cheap? Sure. Life saving? Absolutely.

So once my stomach regained its composure I shoved stuff into my mouth like no other. Well except maybe Paris Hilton. (Paris Hilton jokes are still cool right?)

My second most favorite pic of the night:

via i168.photobucket.com

God was shining on me while my eyes rolled back in my head. Awesome.

I got the fries in my mouth, won the prize. The problem moment occurred when everyone whooped it up and I started to smile, pushing the fries to the back of my throat. BAD IDEA. I bolted to the bathroom and got rid of the fries. (no barfing, that comes later.)

Thank God for loopholes, I got my free shirt:

via i168.photobucket.com

Because my camera sucks and people don't take good pics, I'll tell you what it says: "Bard's Burgers - You can't beat our meat!". Perfect.

At this point we made a victorious exit from Bard's and headed to Legend's next door, making a quick stop in Goodtimers II to let them know I conquered the beast.

At Legends we had some beers and upon starting beer #2, I felt a rumbly in my tumbly. I excused myself and deposited approximately 1-2 burgers into the men's room stall. After that I was fine. Tomorrow morning? I make no promises. Could someone call and check on me please? Or at least preemptively send a plumber to my house?

OK guys, it's on you now. Fill in the blanks, I'm going to take an antacid.

Full set of pics can be found HERE.

Braves game, 6/16.....who wants to go?

jch24 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:57:16 -0000

I knew the Braves were coming back but didn't know it was so soon. Anyway, I'm gonna go Tuesday and see if I can get Jeff Francouer to sign my FAILCOUER shirt. Anyone else wanna go? Better yet, did anyone remember to get the canned food out of their car before any of last weekend's games and get thelf-price/free tickets? :)

As a reward for meeting up I am willing to give some lucky person a can of peaches or a can of pears, your choice. I'm just that nice of a guy. Remember, this may be your only chance to see me get punched by a major league player, you don't want to miss it.

Reds fan's view of Turner Field

jch24 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:17:14 -0000

Reds fan's view of Turner Field

As promised, I put a story up at Red Reporter detailing my experience at the Brewers game Sunday. Hope you like it.

RR Eyewitness Report - Turner Field

jch24 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:54:49 -0000

Well, I've made it back and it's time for the fantastical stories I promised. Let's start with the obvious, my attire for the day at Turner Field:

via i168.photobucket.com

Where do I start? Long story short, my adventure started Thursday and culminated Sunday afternoon at Turner Field witnessing Tommy "Jesus" Hanson's ML debut. I saw three professional baseball games in three different states in four days, good times for any baseball fan to be sure. Here's my rundown from the Ted:

Me and the hostess with the mostest (more on that in a bit) took MARTA to the ballpark Sunday. She might have been testin' my gangsta, but it wasn't nearly as frightening as some make it out to be. I chalk this up to riding MARTA on a Sunday at 12:30 PM as opposed to a Friday or Saturday night. I loved the PSA poster that said something like "We can see what you're doing" with a picture of an Atlanta police officer, graffitized to hell.

We exited at the Five Points station and walked through Atlanta Underground to get to the waiting shuttle that would take us to Turner Field. My favorite part of this was when the first store we encountered (A DOLLAR STORE MIND YOU) had a sign outside advertising the following:

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Sounds like a typical Sunday at the jch household. (insert all the jokes you want here)

Upon exiting Underground, we hopped on the shuttle but not before catching sight of randomly placed baseball statues:

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Once we arrived at the stadium and walked up, I was immediately impressed by the size of the area in front of the stadium. It was huge, which allowed people to move around freely. My only complaint was the "Longest continuously existing franchise in major league history" crap. There's a reason the Reds open at home every year, bitches. :) Here's your out-of-place Brewers fan pic from the ticket line:

via i168.photobucket.com

Upon entering and getting to our sets I realized that my hostess had gotten us seats in the RF stands, which was perfect considering the shirt I was wearing. We had a great view, seen here:

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This was just before Francouer bowed to the crowd and did a little shimmy. I have no idea what this means or whether or not he does this on a regular basis. On a side note noone in our section seemed to notice my shirt, which dissapointed me greatly.

Taking pictures of the stadium from out seats, I noticed something strange. What the hell is that just to the left of the Delta sign? A 60' cow? You're damned right it is, more on this in just a bit:

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Our seats were just in front of the Chophouse Grill, wherein I partook of the Tomahawk Ale (meh). This is the view from the Chophouse:

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IMHO if you get there early, get a good seat, and keep ordering food/drinks, it's a hell of a place to watch the ballgame.

Now, to the experience at the game. I was stunned at what I encountered. All of the ballpark employees, ALL of them, were incredibly hospitable. Everyone was having a good time, it was great. Contrast this with GABP, where I'm as likely to help the usher to my seat as he/she is to mine. I enjoyed great "southern hospitality" while I was in Georgia but never more than when I was at the ballpark. It's amazing how far a little kindness goes when you're in a service position. I can't stress this enough, the employees I encountered at Turner Field cared about the people and the Braves and the experience of going to a baseball game, which is in stark contrast to what I've experienced at GABP. I'm honestly angry about this.

We need ambassadors as ushers, not old codgers and/or angry high school dropouts helping us to our seats. I caught shit from a female concessionaire for wearing a Reds hat until I explained where I was from and she answered, "Well I guess that's okay for today, baby". This same concessionaire gave the kids in front of us free Braves hats to wear later in the game because as she put it, "if you're gonna be here cheerin' for the Braves you need a hat!". We need and deserve these types of people here promoting the Reds.

Okay, I'm done ranting, back to the game.

Tommy Hanson is the Brave's version of Homer Bailey without all the drama. He's the future and everyone knows it. There was a palpable excitement throughout the fans, I heard several people say things like "I can't wait to see him!". And through the first three innings, he was ELECTRIC. He threw fastballs at 94-95 and killed them with the hammer curve at 84 mph or so. The crowd ate it up and he was feeding off the excitement. Unsurprisingly Chipper Jones is a fan favorite and when he tripled home Yunel Escobar in the first (a classic fuckup by Cameron that we've all seen and the start of a HUGE day for Chipper) the crowd went nuts. Hanson ran into trouble the second time through the lineup when the Brewers started sitting on the fastball (I think) and he lost his composure just a bit. He ended with a line of 6 IP and 6 ER but I can tell you this Braves fans - be patient, this kid is GOOD.

What I was also impressed with from the game was that Braves fans care. All the time. Every time they got two guys on, it was an event and everyone would start doing the annoying-as-hell-possibly-offensive tomahawk chop. Including the cow. I laughed my ass off at the cow doing the tomahawk chop and realized that the steamboat in CF isn't so bad after all. The retarded cow aside, Braves fans are passionate in a "I'm going to support my team at all costs" sort of way, not the Cuns fan "don't you realize how awesome we are" sort of way. It was refreshing.

Because my hostess is the one with the mostest we were invited into the 755 Club. The 755 Club is very nice, on par with our own 4192 Club. We grabbed some drinks and settled into our new seats for the ballgame, with this view:

via i168.photobucket.com

Very nice seats and even better service. In the 755 Club is when I got the only comment of the day on my shirt, when a gentleman asked if he could buy it from me because he thought "even as a Braves fan man, that's fucking awesome". It didn't hurt that Frenchy went 0-4 in the game with a killer GIDP in the bottom of the 7th.

The fun part of this development was the guys we were sitting behind. They were true Braves fans to the core, both cheering on their team while doing the chop:

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And giving shit to the Brewers fans who were in the next section over (he caught me):

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Now for the fun parts.

My favorite line of the day came when Kelly Johnson tried to bunt himself on in the bottom of the sixth innning and the wonderful woman behind us (in RF not the 755 club) stated as follows:

"HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE!!!! Aww, he's just just too short, he's just a little guy."

I had no idea what this meant but it made me laugh loud enough to make everyone around me very uncomfortable.

Next up, this fine gentleman sidled up next to us near the end of the game in the 755 Club:

via i168.photobucket.com

The front of his shorts were wet and he explained this away by saying "my cup has a hole in it!". This was funny until I watched him pass said cup to our friend the bartender who attempted to pour him another drink. The bartender worked in vain only watch the liquid fall out as quickly as he could pour it in. This good man actually had a hole in his cup, lending credence to drunken excuses everywhere. Did I mention that when I met him, he had the flower in the picture down the front of his pants? Yeah, good times.

FINAL VERDICT - I loved Turner Field. It's a great ballpark to be sure but what put it over the top was the hospitality of the staff and the excitement of the fans. I've been poisoned to an extent as Reds fan, what with the staff at the ballpark and the general disinterest of the people attending the games in person. It was incredibly nice to see people having a great time at the ballpark and cheering on their team. (even if they have a worse record than the Reds) :)

Me in my FAILCOUER shirt at the Ted Sunday, I'll have a full report coming soon. [Gondeee's note:...

jch24 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:37:09 -0000

Me in my FAILCOUER shirt at the Ted Sunday, I'll have a full report coming soon.

[Gondeee's note: The movement begins, get yours here.]

Out of towner asks for advice, but with a slight twist

jch24 — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 18:38:04 -0000

Hey guys, I will be in Atlanta this weekend and because the baseball gods are benevolent and my hostess is the bestess, I will be attending Sunday's tilt between the Brave and Brewers at Turner Field. Now, I ask of you - anything in particular at the Ted (or Atlanta in general) that is a "don't miss"?

I've been to Atlanta twice but not since 1998 or so. So basically never. What attractions (ballpark or otherwise) should I make sure to partake of? I've seen Stone Mountain and a trip to The Clermont Lounge is supposedly on the docket. Also she talked me into taking MARTA to the game against my better judgment, so that should be fun. The last time I used mass transit was when I rode a bus in Honolulu 13 years ago, and I was perfectly okay with that being the last time ever, but whatever.

In return I offer me linking to my write up at Red Reporter, complete with pics of me in the FAILCOEUR shirt at Turner Field if the damned thing gets here by Friday. It left San Jose last night at 10:00 PM via UPS ground so here's hoping.

Lastly, thanks so much for any advice you can give, I appreciate it!

Game 46 Thread, Part 2

jch24 — Thu, 28 May 2009 00:27:54 -0000

More photos » by Al Behrman - AP

Look at my hair, how can I not be good? (AP Photo/Al Behrman)

Browse more photos »

Our beloved Reds lead the Astros 3-1 in the middle of the 6th thanks to home runs by Jerry Hairston Jr. and Jay Bruce. Oh, we have Goodroyo tonight, too.

Indians @ Reds, Game 43 Part 2

jch24 — Sun, 24 May 2009 20:01:19 -0000

Tied 3-3, top of the ninth. The Reds just might have been screwed by the umps.

RR Gathering - Are You F'ing Kidding Me?

jch24 — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:32:48 -0000

So as previously reported, obc, Ash, BK and myself met up at the famous Terry's Turf Club for a burger tonight. Obc and I were early arrivals as usual, and we bided our time with a couple of Molsons. Ash and BK showed up shortly thereafter and after a quick review of the menu it was time to order.

We all went the basic route with our burgers with BK asking for no tomoatoes and me asking for no accoutrements whatsoever, just cheese and bacon. The burgers came, we ate, and hilarity ensued. This is your RR get together recap, GO!

First off, these burgers were HUGE. Awesomely huge. and juicy, oh lawd juicy. This is what I speak of:

BK impressed with his plate:

Ash's plate was juicy. Make your own joke:

These burgers were huge but they were also AWESOME. I can't speak for the others but damn that burger was worth the wait. Juicy yet textured, the Swiss cheese and generous amount of bacon were a perfect mix on the grilled bun. I'm telling you, if you have the time, go. Tomorrow. SRSLY. It's good. I won't steer you wrong with food.

Finding a great burger in Cincinnati is normally enough for a story but we figured, why stop there? It was 4-5 beers in and we were talking "last drink before heading home". Our incredibly personable bartender laid out our choices:

We chose the light version of the double tequila. We each took a sip but shortly after BK took this sip, things got interesting:

Wait just a damned minute, forget the shining star. Just who is that handsome fella behind our beloved BK?

As it turns out, one Jim O'Toole had sat down next to us at the bar. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

No, no we're not. The legendary jch/obc/RR luck had come through once again and a Reds Hall of Famer had sat down to us at the bar at a little burger joint. Life is good.

I tried to explain to him the ways of the world but instead he straight schooled me, having had 11 children and 35 grandchildren. SPECK.

Mr. O'Toole also was kind enough to explain his chicken sandwich to our beloved BK:

Of course I harassed Mr. O'Toole a bit and asked If I could get a pic of his 1961 NL Championship ring. Here ya go:

Blurry? Sure. Still cool? You bet your ass.

BK asked Mr. O'Toole what he thought of the 2009 Reds. His response - "They can do anything, they have great pitching". (please excuse the paraphrasing here)

My question to Mr. O'Toole was what he thought of Barry Bonds and the accusations. His response - "He didn't have to do it, he was so great already, you know?" I agree sir.

BOTTOM LINE: You don't meet up, you don't meet Reds Hall of Famers at a burger bar on Thursday night in the 'Nati.

Oh, and if you should ever go to Terry's and get drunk be careful on the way to the car, a neighbor has a sense of humor:

Those are cactii. You stumble into them, it hurts. Thankfully we did not.

Impromptu RR gathering on an off day

jch24 — Thu, 14 May 2009 04:38:38 -0000

So here's the deal - obc, BK, SullivanSmith, Mads, & myself are commited to meeting at Terry's Turf Club (Featured on the Food Network) at 6:00. Any and all are welcome and I promise you we'll have a good time. If you're interested shoot me an email, I'll play the role of event coordinator. If you have any question or suggestions let it be known now. What the hell, this isn't 75 words long?